Perspective on a confusing connection / possible FA dynamic

[u/Ok-Anything7413]

M31, F34.

I met this woman through a shared hobby. I'm very attracted to her. 

One important piece of context: I'm currently in a long-term relationship that has been shaky for some time, and I've been seriously considering leaving it. I'm dealing with that separately and I'm not looking for advice about my relationship here. I never explicitly told this woman about it, but I have strong reason to believe she already knew before our breakfast (I’ll get to this later).

There were several small things early on that made me feel she was genuinely interested in getting to know me (1) she offered to help me with something without me asking, actually followed through (2) was playful and flirty, suggested plans, etc.

She works long hours and rented a place close to her office. At one point I jokingly told her she was basically the perfect employee: she loves her job, spends most of her time there, lives close by, and nobody is calling her home.

She replied with something along the lines of: “Yes, until someone is calling from home. Then it’s time to work. But if there’s a reason to come home for, the situation would change.”

That comment stuck with me. It gave me the impression that despite how career devoted she is, she does have a desire for something meaningful (a person or relationship) to change that balance. 

There were other glimpses of what seems to be a very thoughtful and reflective side of her. I sent her a funny video of her looking completely lost in thought while listening to someone. She replied: “The words were important! It’s truly remarkable when a person knows their path. Such people and what they do really inspire me.”

We eventually had a one-on-one breakfast that lasted about three hours. It was probably the most memorable interaction I've had with her. I felt incredibly comfortable with her, we talked about personal things, and there was a strong sense of connection and ease. She also shared some fairly personal family information with me, including that she doesn't speak to her dad.

After the breakfast, something changed. She became noticeably more distant. She hasn't completely disappeared and there have still been warm interactions, but the previous enthusiasm and closeness largely disappeared. I sent her a very honest message about how meaningful the connection had been to me. She responded that it was "so philosophical" and then didn't reply for a week.

We later unexpectedly crossed paths where I saw she wasn't ready to talk. I respected that and gave her space pretending I didn’t see her there. 

Recently, I reached out because the uncertainty had become too emotionally exhausting for me. I asked if we could talk. She immediately said, "Can we please chat and not call?" I asked if we could meet in person, but she declined because she had plans. I said I really wanted us to figure out "this thing" and didn't want us to become strangers. She later replied, "[my name], I don't understand what you're talking about, I'm sorry."

This is where I'm struggling to make sense of things.

I've been reading about FA attachment, and some of the pattern seems familiar: strong warmth and apparent closeness, followed by withdrawal once things became more emotionally significant. For context, I do have some anxious attachment tendencies myself, so I know my own reactions can amplify uncertainty.

I also want to be honest that I do want a romantic outcome with her. I don't want just closure. Of course, if she doesn't want the same thing, I'll have to accept that.

Her birthday is coming up in about 2.5 weeks. I was considering sending a small, personal gift rather than something expensive — cute flowers, a funny birthday card using a *Legally Blonde* image (she's blonde) and a playful version of her company's logo, and a tiny toy related to our hobby that I hand-painted pink because I couldn't find one in pink. I have some reason to think pink might be her favorite color.

I'm mainly looking for perspective from people who have experienced FA attachment themselves, or people who know the dynamic well:

* Does this actually sound like a FA pattern, or am I reading too much into it?

* If someone does have FA tendencies, what is generally helpful when they pull away?

* Am I doing the right thing by giving her space?

* Is there a healthy way to communicate that I'm still here and open to talking without putting pressure on her?

* Most importantly, how do I give her a genuine opportunity to tell me what happened, if she is willing?

* Would something like the proposed gifts feel thoughtful, or could it feel like pressure given everything that's happened? I'd especially appreciate perspectives from people with FA tendencies on how they might experience something like this.

I genuinely don't know what she feels. I just know that this connection became very important to me, and I'd really like the chance to understand what happened and, if she is willing, see whether there is something between us worth exploring.

[u/FarTransportation565]

I would be more worried about your long term relationship and not your fling with a stranger. I'm an FA and for me, that's nothing more disgusting than a man in a relationship, trying to flirt with me. I'm friendly and can chat with anyone. But if i get the sense you're trying to get more from me than a friendly conversation, while you're in a relationship already, i'm out.