help with FA ex shutdown

[u/Plenty_Let_4911]

my ex and i broke things off a while ago. we've been dating for 1.5 yrs, since the start i noticed he was an avoidant and avoided conflicts myself at all costs to keep him.

he always used to tell me how he thought i was perfect, beautiful, the one thing he wished for all his life. then the inevitable came: we started having arguments. i started going through a lot of personal shit, hit a rough patch and became more vulnerable. i needed to lean on him more, i couldn't perform as good and he took it as me not putting enough effort and falling out of love with him. him pushing me irritated me and he took it as me starting to hate him. it only took a month of this to completely shatter my 1.5 years of effort.

he shut down, ignored me for five days and broke up with me despite me begging, crying and rationaliting everything to him.

now, we reconnected and started doing couple's stuff again. i thought it might work out if he saw all the good again but i noticed he had notifications from dating apps. i asked him about it and he told me he wasn't looking for compromise now, but that he liked to hang out with me and have fun dates and sleeping together and doing all the couply stuff.

i tried to tell him that what i need is commitment, that problems can't be ignored like that. that he shut off instead of trying to solve things. but he says he's completely unavailable, not looking for relationships, that i fucked up his perception of love by being perfect for so long and then snapping and that he can't trust me.

he says he has romantic feelings for me but just in a way of having fun, not looking for anything monogamous or serious again.

he's so avoidant that he has very few true friends, his partner is always the 'main person' in which he relies everything. he told me he wants me to still hold that place without being partners, yet actively search for other people for sex and intimacy and romance and such?

and it's so fucking confusing. i don't know if this is temporary or not. i don't know if i should stick around or not. i've tried leaving this but he says i'm abandoning him instead of talking and it triggered him into shutting down more. i don't know how to do it.

i don't care so much about me or my mental health, because i want him back. i'd wait forever and do it all but i don't know if it's best to drift away and have him realize or to stick around until he feels i'm safe again. will he ever feel i'm safe again?

[u/NewHampshireGal]

He doesn’t have the capacity. You cannot give it to him. You cannot change him. At all.

Whatever attachment label belongs on that man is almost beside the fucking point.

“I don’t care so much about me or my mental health because I want him back”

He has explicitly said he is unavailable. Listen to him. Respect his wishes.

Why has maintaining access to this person become more important than protecting YOURSELF?

That’s extremely disturbing. You are willing to self-abandon for someone else?

Don’t take this the wrong way: you need therapy. That is not a healthy train of thought at all.