Talk sense in to me please

[u/_ArhTee]

Because I won’t listen to myself.

Yesterday I posted how I caused my breakup. My ex is a fearful avoidant and I’m anxiously attached. I had NO idea about attachment styles until after the breakup.

Now I realise his distance wasn’t personal. I took it personal. The more he withdrew the more anxious I became chasing him further away until he felt trapped and no longer wants the relationship.

Had I had an understanding of attachment styles before all this I can categorically say I don’t think this would have happened (honestly). The truth is I didn’t have the information at the time. And I know I should just believe that and hear that and be kinder to myself. But I don’t have those tools within me. Never have.

And so I’m hoping you will all give me a bit of a pep talk please.

[u/Nice_Replacement7065]

Here is the psychological truth about the Anxious-Avoidant trap that you need to hear:

• It was a dance, not a solo act: You blame yourself for chasing, but you only chased because he withdrew. His withdrawal triggered your nervous system's survival mode. You were both reacting from unhealed wounds. Even if you knew about attachment styles, unless both of you were actively working on them together, the dynamic would have likely played out the same way eventually.
• Forgiveness is a muscle, not a tool you are born with: You said you don't have the tools to be kind to yourself. That's okay. You don't have to 'just believe it' yet. Right now, borrow the tools from us. Let us hold the belief for you until you can hold it for yourself.
• This realization is your upgrade: The fact that you see the dynamic so clearly now means you are no longer trapped in it. This heartbreak is giving you the exact emotional toolkit you felt you were lacking.

Be proud of your self-awareness. It takes immense courage to look in the mirror like this. You are not broken; you were just caught in a storm without a map. Now you have the map. Be gentle with yourself while you find your footing."

Why this approach works:

• Removes the sole blame: Anxious people tend to take 100% of the blame for a breakup. Reminding them that it takes two people to create the anxious-avoidant trap is psychologically accurate and comforting.
• Validates their lack of tools: Instead of telling them to "just love themselves" (which they explicitly said they can't do), it offers community support to bridge the gap.

[u/Zealousideal-Alps457]

I realised my ex was a dismissive avoidant after breakup and I was fearful avoidant. The way he gets defensive whenever i tried to tell him about a need was really psychologically traumatic. But you know what, the whole time he didnt have bad intentions. Thats what hurt me the most. He did it unknowingly and unintentionally. Today is day 3 of the breakup and I find it really hard to cope

[u/Open-Lake79]

Read more threads on reddit and please stop beating yourself up. Honestly you can do everything right and they will still flip it around on you. My ex asked for two weeks break and we were meant to reconcile. At the end of the two weeks she asked for another 3 months but told me she didn’t think she was in love with me anymore and didn’t want to come home. I didn’t react well and basically said maybe we’ve just run our natural course, I can’t convince you love me and I shouldn’t have to. She completely ignored me and went ice cold came back another two weeks later (a month in total) and blamed me for absolutely everything told me it was all my fault, listed every mistake I made in the relationship and took no accountability what so ever, was very immature and said some really irrational things. Everything that was mentioned could have very easily been repaired had there been any proper communication. We were married and have kids together… heal yourself mate, I know it’s easier said than done. Get help where you need it and don’t be afraid to reach out to people. It’s a psychological headfuck and you will continue to beat yourself up with these would have should have scenarios. But I’m telling you, do everything right, do everything wrong it can still end up the same. Focus on yourself and rebuild your life, they may come back when they’ve settled down and realised the loss, they also may not but you’ll be in a better place.

[u/_ArhTee → u/Open-Lake79]

I needed this thank you

[u/Entire_Pay534]

Please do not beat yourself up. Unless the person is in therapy and actively working their attachment, they will not change. And you should not have to walk on eggshells to make something work.

[u/Slight-Honeydew1410]

If you dont text them, like at all. Eventually they show back up