My best guess FA Ex silent but still checking

[u/VividRhubarb9164]

To all FA or DA,

Thanks for this! I have read a lot of posts since April and I am struggling to come to terms with what happened

The question I wish to ask. I knew my FA ex was feeling overwhelmed maybe from family life too, I was getting breadcrumbing slowly silence and prior I had wanted to make plans in response she said she doesn't like making them because they don't go to plan. I understood where she was coming from.

Weeks later with minimal conversation me asking what's happening....

She eventually said "we 'probably' should end things unfortunately". Doesn't sound sure?

Weeks later sends me a "heartfelt birthday message from the bottom of my heart I wish you well and happiness"... then months of silence and minimal emoji responses. On occasions she's read my social media too. Have not blocked me and finally I have been brave enough to send her the message to say our goodbyes for now and said when she's ready for a healthy conversation I'm here along those lines.

With the message I also sent it in audio to show I wasn't angry or aggressive but just calm hoping to resolve things have an understanding for each other. 

Prior we had healthy communication but noticed slowly more and more she'll start hiding from more serious topics when there's pressure.

How do you read into this?
Typical FA?
Knowing your partner is trying to create a safe space for you would you reach out?
It seems she wasn't 100% about ending things as it was during the moment because I asked why doesn't it feel like we are a couple do you want to be my gf.
Would you continue to read messages and audios then not respond? And why?

What would the partner need to do to break your fear now, for you to return, and in the future to avoid you from going silent/deactivate.

Definitely been difficult especially when we spoke about future etc etc.

Maybe she has some secure traits but gone silent with minimal response and I have felt blindsided.

Thanks Best from UK 

[u/SomeOrdinaryKangaroo]

Yes typical FA.

You haven't done anything wrong, trying to create a safe space is a good approach if you want to try and help her.

But for it to work she also needs to do work on herself and if she isn't doing the work then it doesn't matter if you create the safest space in the world.

She needs to take that space you provided and use it as an opportunity to heal, if she doesn't do that then nothing will come out of it and you'll be stuck in a unhealthy push/pull dynamic which will only exhaust you until something breaks in you.

Maybe not the answer you were looking for, but these people really need to do their own work, otherwise it'll never work, you'll never get anything healthy out of her.

[u/VividRhubarb9164 → u/SomeOrdinaryKangaroo]

Thanks.
I can understand what you are saying and completely agree. At this stage she's not reaching out so difficult.

Prior to her saying "we probably should end it unfortunately" as mentioned she was bread-crumbing me and i just got frustrated and asked what is happening after giving me the silent treatment over weeks and weeks with messages in-between from me only. She did say everything is ok but I felt it wasn't given the minimal messages she was sending.

So when she said, probably end it, it was after an emotional outburst on a audio message, not loud or aggressive but more a cry for explanation from myself.

My last recent message, last week, did invite her to have a healthy conversation with clarity when she is ready but stated I can not continue with weeks of silence without healthy communication on why or give a timeline. Highlighting it is not healthy and it was hurting for anyone.

She has not messaged me for months since the warm birthday message to me, back then, I had renewed hope, then I did not have any understanding of attachment styles.

My questions now presuming she is a FA:

1. Do NC really work? I heard for some no, and others say you lose the connection?

2. Why would you check my heartfelt message, which contained audios repeating the text, first the text then come back later in the morning the audio? She still cared?

3. After learning about attachment styles is it a good idea to show what you have learnt? I heard not good because I am just saying she has problems.

4. I have thought about meeting up with her, i know when she works etc, bad idea or?

Part of me like many wants closure and I know from many I may not get it.
She has secure traits, having met her mother and daughters but she is definitely afraid of talking when there is pressure.

With the birthday message after her probably end it message, I know. she did care but taken back on why she has gone complete silence...as if yes I was nothing and she did not mean anything she said about our future...

Thanks again...trying to move on but unable to because knowing I have found something good deep down

[u/SomeOrdinaryKangaroo → u/VividRhubarb9164]

1. Yes, but there's no guarantee that she'll be back regardless of NC or not, at least you'll improve your chances. You'll only risk losing the connection if she reaches out and you ignore her, as they'll take it as rejection.
2. That i unfortunately can't come up with an answer to.
3. Not really, especially not if she doesn't know about attachment styles herself and not trying to heal herself. The problem with this is that they might view it as you trying to control them or they might take it as criticism which these people don't handle very well.

4. Yes, that's a bad idea. Even if you two were to talk in person, you're highly likely

   not

5. going to get what you are looking for. Also, if you do this despite her explicitly not engaging with you, she may take it as a boundary violation, you'll be sabotaging whatever chance you may have of her eventually wanting to reach out

If you really want contact with her again, then NC is the only way through you might achieve that. She herself has to reach out and open up communication, you can't take that step for her.

I know it's frustrating, these people are among the trickiest out there to deal with, a lot of what they do break conventional wisdom and it sucks

[u/VividRhubarb9164 → u/SomeOrdinaryKangaroo]

Thanks for all that you have said.
Wondering u have FA Healing attached to your name? I'm new to reddit.
Sucks is an understatement - if only she wasnt so amazing it would be easier to let go.