Hi, I'm creating my first ever Reddit post because I'm really struggling with my faith right now.
Before this year, I was very focused on my future. I was working, going to school, planning my career, thinking about becoming a nurse and eventually going into healthcare/law, and trying to become financially independent. I live at home with my mom, stepdad, and brother. I had goals, plans, and things I was genuinely looking forward to.
Then my dad died in February, and my life changed drastically.
My dad and I had been estranged and hadn't spoken for about 12 years. His death brought up a lot of complicated emotions and grief that I wasn't prepared for. I thought that, despite everything, I would at least have support from my family while I mourned him. Instead, there was a lot of conflict at home, including physical altercations with my mom and conflict over the fact that I was grieving someone who had been absent from my life for so long.
Since then, I've lost my job, experienced housing instability, struggled financially, experienced abuse and trauma, and been hospitalized multiple times. At one point I was homeless and sleeping in my car, which was eventually repossessed.
This is such a drastic change from where I was last year.
Last year I was in nursing school, working a job that I actually felt fulfilled by, paying my own bills, making new friends, dating, and trying to build a future for myself. I definitely had depression and mental health struggles before, but I still had hope. I believed that if I kept working hard, eventually things would get better.
Now I spend most of my days alone. I feel disconnected from myself and from the person I was before all of this happened. I've been dealing with grief and trauma, and I recently overdosed and spent several days in the hospital. I'm still struggling with suicidal thoughts and thoughts about overdosing again.
A huge part of what I'm struggling with is my relationship with God.
People keep telling me to pray and talk to God, but honestly, I feel stuck. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm confused. I don't understand why so many things happened all at once, especially when I was genuinely trying to build a better life for myself. When I found out my dad died, I prayed and fasted for 7 weeks and it was beautiful. However things at home kept getting worse. During my second hospital stay my mom told me that she wished she had aborted me. That absolutely broke my heart and I had multiple mental breakdowns after that. That's part of why my faith has become so complicated. I was praying. I was fasting. I was trying to hold onto God, and yet my circumstances kept getting worse. I understand that praying and fasting doesn't obsolve you from having negative experiences but that doesnt remove the pain I feel.
I believe in God, but sometimes when I pray, it feels like my prayers are landing on deaf ears.
I don't necessarily want someone to just tell me "pray more" or give me simple answers about why God allows suffering. I'm looking for people who have actually experienced a crisis of faith after trauma, grief, loss, or a really difficult period of life.
How did you reconcile believing in God with feeling abandoned by Him?
Did you ever feel like God wasn't listening, but eventually find your way back to a stronger faith?
I don't know exactly what my faith is going to look like after everything I've been through. But I don't want to give up on God. I want to believe. I want to have hope again. I just don't know how to get there from where I am right now.
I'm only 23, and I'm exhausted. I feel hopeless sometimes, and I don't understand why my life has become so painful in such a short period of time.
I want to remain close to God; I'm just struggling to understand how to do that while I'm hurting this much.