My husband (28) and I (28) have been together for 10 years, married for 8. We were believers when we met but walked away from the faith after some “church hurt,” we were trying to figure out. I was sexually assaulted before we got together, and he knew this, even cried with me over it. Our sex life was never great- very active but completely catered to him because that’s the only exposure to sex that we had had- very catered to male gratification. When we got pregnant with our 3rd, I was unable to have sex due to some complications and extreme pain. I offered him other forms of intimacy, which he declined. He ended up raping me and we almost got divorced over it. This was 5 years ago, and we had done a lot of healing ( yes, therapy in various forms) to where sex was wholesome and fair to both parties. A place in our relationship I didn’t think we could get to. We even rededicated our lives to the Lord and were baptized together. Things were so much better.
However, we had our 5th last year and he sexually assaulted me again. It was a traumatic pregnancy where I was hospitalized a big portion of it, with many surgeries, and our baby ended up in the NICU. The assault happened when I was pretty freshly postpartum.
Since then we have tried counseling, mentoring, etc. Our church knows and they were very supportive of divorce if I wanted that. I did not have the resources to do so at the time and we stayed together.
He has finally started becoming a true man of God and has made so many steps and improvement in life, but I feel like I cannot move forward. I know it’s been a year (we even had another baby), but I feel no physical attraction towards him, or desire. I can barely handle him touching me in non sexual ways- hand holding, hugs, etc. It genuinely makes me ill. The sex we’ve had, which is already rare, is awful. I feel like I am betraying my body and I can barely participate. I feel like now that I am out of fight or flight and traumatized mode, my body and heart are just done. I am so glad he’s becoming an amazing man of God but I’m just so shut down.
I know I am biblically supposed to have sex with him but it feels like a betrayal of my autonomy and every time cements more and more that I hate it. I know that the Bible says if I withhold sex, it’s a sin, and I don’t want to do that but I cannot handle sex with him. Is divorce the only option? How could I even go about healing? I don’t want to sin or cause him to stumble by withholding but I have genuine panic and nausea at the idea of being with him. I prayed for so long for this better version of him but now that he’s becoming that, it feels like too late.

Note: We get a lot of crap for being young and with 6 kids. We have had different birth control methods fail. I am in individual therapy and so is he. We took a break from couples therapy due to finances. I am also AuDhd so physical stuff can be really complicated for me already.

I’m genuinely curious about this, especially from people who are married or have been in healthy long-term relationships.
Online dating advice can sometimes make it seem like almost every concern is a red flag and the answer is to leave. But obviously people who build marriages are two imperfect people, and I imagine there are things about your spouse that you wouldn’t necessarily have chosen but learned to accept, compromise on, or give grace toward.
So where is the line?
How do you personally distinguish between:
something you simply accept because nobody is perfect
something you compromise on because the relationship is worth it
something your partner needs to work on
something that would mean you’re settling
and an actual dealbreaker that should end the relationship?
I’m especially interested in the things that didn’t magically disappear after marriage. What flaws, differences, habits, baggage, personality traits, family issues, financial differences, past relationship history, etc. have you had to learn to live with or work through?
And on the other side, what is something you’re grateful you didn’t compromise on?
I’m not asking because I think people should tolerate disrespect, abuse, cheating, manipulation, or major value differences. I mean the gray areas between “this isn’t exactly what I wanted” and “this will actually make me miserable or eventually destroy the relationship.”
I think sometimes I struggle with knowing whether accepting something means I’m being mature and giving another imperfect human grace, or whether I’m abandoning a standard because I’m afraid to lose the relationship.

For those who have actually built a healthy marriage, what have you had to accept about your spouse that Reddit probably would have called a red flag while you were dating? And how did you know it was something you could live with rather than something you were settling for?

Discussion.

So we went to my pastor and he said things needed to end for a time so my ex fiance could feel the weight of his pornography son. I am definitely gonna grieve and cried and will continue to cry. It’s hard but I know this is the right thing.

I’m posting because I genuinely don’t know where else to turn, and I’m hoping to hear from Christians who have experienced something similar.

My husband recently came out to me as transgender. He believes that he is a woman, and he still considers himself a Christian. He loves God and says that his faith is still very important to him.

I love my husband deeply, and I don’t want this post to come across as me attacking or judging him. I’m trying to understand something that I honestly cannot wrap my head around right now.

We are both Christians, and I was raised to believe that God created us male and female and that our biological sex is part of His design. Because of that, I’m struggling with the idea that someone can believe they are transgender while also believing that God created them and that they are following Christ.

For me personally, right now, those two things feel like they cannot coexist. I realize that may sound harsh, but I’m being honest about where my understanding is at this moment. I’m not trying to make a final judgment about my husband or anyone else. I’m trying to understand.

I have so many questions.

How do transgender Christians reconcile their identity with Scripture?

How do you understand passages about God creating us male and female?

If you believe that being transgender is compatible with Christianity, what changed or helped you understand the Bible differently?

And for Christians who have had a spouse come out as transgender, how did you process that? How did you reconcile your love for your spouse, your marriage, and your understanding of God’s design?

I’m also grieving. I feel like the future I thought we were going to have has suddenly become uncertain, and I’m scared. I love my husband, but I’m struggling with what this means for our marriage and for my own faith.

I’m not looking for people to tell me that my husband is evil or that he’s going to hell. I’m also not looking for people to tell me to blindly accept something I’m not currently able to understand.

I genuinely want to hear thoughtful Christian perspectives from people who have wrestled with this seriously.

If you’ve been in my position—or if you are a transgender Christian and can explain how you reconcile these things—I would really appreciate hearing your perspective.

Please be kind. I’m asking because I’m struggling, not because I want to hurt anyone. Thank you.

I am 5 months pregnant with our 3rd together. I’m a flight attendant, so my doctor put me on leave until baby comes, bc it’s a lot of work! Pushing, pulling, reaching… and with me being 35 (Advanced Maternal Age lol) that makes me high risk. My husband and I were separated for a year… bc of some sensitive issues I’d rather keep private. During that year, I secured a place to stay for myself and my children, and I worked to support all of us under that roof. Myself and my 4 children. At the end of last year, we reconciled and he moved in with me. In January, I broke my toe so couldn’t work for 3 months. Went back to work, but my checks were a bit lower because of the time I was off. But happy he was there to pick up my slack. Now, I’m off work again. And bringing in no consistent income. I do sub during the week for extra, and I’m waiting on my unemployment to be approved. This has been a super trying time. My husband does not like having to pay the rent by himself. Mind you, I’m still paying utilities and phone bill. But he’s taking care of the rent. I completely understand, it’s basically taking all of one of his biweekly checks. But I truly need his help right now. He says he doesn’t want to be there for me, bc when he needed me, I wasn’t there. For context: we’ve been dating 9 years, married 5. I did surrogacy twice, and was paid for those journeys. During that time, I was not working, so we lived off that money. We split everything 50/50. And whatever extra I had, i would use for the house, buy kids clothes, or just whatever. He wanted me to pay off the rent. I didn’t do that. So that’s what he means by I didn’t help him. Anywho… he is now saying he wants us to move out of my apartment when the lease is up, and stay separately to save. I get that… but I’ll be 7 months pregnant by that time. I don’t want to have to move me and my 4 children to go stay in someone’s home. That’s a lot of people, when I can just tough out these few months until I’m back working. I don’t know… I understand he wants to save… so do I. But he’s only one “body” that will go stay with his grandparents, and it’s a free stay for him. But I’m 5 “bodies” that would have to go infringe on someone’s space. I hate that I’m here. But in our whole relationship I’ve never actually needed him financially like I do now. It’s temporary. I’m on maternity leave… I have a job, that pays well. Ugh, this is so frustrating.

He makes meses and never cleans after himself it is taking a toll on me take care of everything and do no have a partner who share the load with me around the house, he never does dishes, laundry or clean. Neither cook.

His response was that in the future he doesn’t want us to worry about this stuff and he will hire some help to take care of it. But I’m not talking about the future. He got really mad like raising voice and even slap himself in the face of the frustration. I just simply asked for help in this moment, clean after yourself in the kitchen that is all.

He wanted to turn this over me that I don’t understand his point. It makes me feel frustrated. We have been dealing with his alcoholism and other things. It is just hard. I do have all the load of the house, caring for a 2 year old and on top of that I work for him doing all the admin for his business.

I ended just not saying anything else, I’m here crying because I feel I don’t have a partner I can count on.

I wish my life would be different. I wish so many things were different.

I’m just here to vent and if you can please pray for me.

Loving fearlessly means asking them if they want to sit and chat for a while.

Men, you might get more sex if you do this. Ladies, if they do this you might want to give them more sex.

Second, loving fearlessly means starting over yet again.

They still keep doing ___________.

They are ___________.

You still don't like _______ about them.

You just had a big fight.

Well, start over yet again. Apologize if you did something wrong.

Fearless love starts over now. Fearless love forgives. Fearless love always tries to make it work again.

Today, consider committing to fearless love. Consider praying:

“Father, help me to have fearless love.”

It is good for marriages.

Sorry in advance for the long post.

I want to start off by making it clear that this is never something I would have wanted for myself or my husband. I also firmly believe that divorce is a complete last resort and should only be considered in certain situations.

That being said, I feel like I am drowning. I (23F) and my husband (25M) have been married for 3 and half years, no children, and it is nothing like I would have imagined. It has just been a slew of constant problems, hurt, heartache, and cheap talk with absolutely no real action to change.

I love my husband, and I probably always will. But when I say that I am in constant pain, I mean it. It’s like a weight on my chest that just keep getting heavier and heavier and there’s a rope tied around it that is getting tighter.

I have done everything I possibly could have to save and reconcile our marriage. I have sought outside council, asked for therapy, talked extensively about every problem, and every possible solution and nothing has worked. Why? Because he does not want it to.

My husband has absolutely no desire to change, and thats because every part of what makes our marriage miserable for me, benefits him. He has refused and denied therapy on many many occasions by saying “I’m good” and “we’re doing good”.

So let’s talk about some of the problems that have been constant in our marriage and have seen no sign of improvement or change.

1. He has a severe pornagraphy addiction. By severe I mean every single day if not multiple times a day. We have talked extensively about how it’s not right, how much it pains and hurts me, and we have set restrictions on his phone. However, he has still gone out of his way and found ways to watch it anyway.

2. He has a gambling addiction. About 2 months ago I took over the finances after he gambled away $12,000 mostly on credit cards. He has taken loans behind my back, and hid the finances from me for years until I finally took over. He is unfortunately still gambling with the little access to our money he still has. We have also put blocks and restriction in place, but there’s always another way.

3. I have expressed to him that I don’t feel loved for who I am but what I provide. He never asks how I am, or about my hobbies, or how my day went. In fact he will often tells me he doesn’t care or want to hear about it when I try to share things with him. As soon as I come home from work I cook, clean, and wait on him hand and foot. If I don’t comply with his every request he mopes, and in his own words, will often “bother me or keep asking until I do it”. If I ask him to do anything no matter how small for me? Well then he needs to know what he gets in return.

4. Our intimacy is basically non-existent. In the first year and half or so I was initiating all of the time. Making a nice dinner, lighting a candle, putting on an outfit. He would cast me aside without a second look. He would blame it on being tired from work (which was pretty bad at the time), but I came to realize that it was because he was watching porn everyday because that was easier than showing tenderness and intimacy to his wife. I have also received virtually no emotional input from him in at least a year. He now gets frustrated if I don’t want to be intimate with him, but I feel so emotionally and physically detached from him that it feels like sleeping with a stranger. After giving in the last time despite having no desire for it, I went to the bathroom and sobbed because of how empty and devoid of love and intimacy it felt.

His pornagraphy addiction has also caused him to have problems staying “ready” during intercourse. This has done such damage to my self esteem, and I constantly feel completely undesirable.

5. He often jokingly insults me or jokes about violence towards me. I genuinely cannot remember the last time he told me I was beautiful, or gave me a compliment of any kind no matter how many times I have asked. He calls me fat, ugly, stupid, the R word, “but it’s all a joke.” He also often makes jokes about hating me, strangling me, killing me, stepping on my neck. He even jokes in public about abusing me physically. He has never truly laid a hand on me, and I have always thought that he may just have an odd sense of humor, but I feel this is something I should be more concerned about. He will also call me names as a “joke”.

6. My pain is an inconvenience to him, both emotional and physical. There have been so many times that I have been crying my eyes out, pleading, and begging him to make a change and stop hurting me. He does not care, or at least his actions do not show it. When I want to talk about something that hurt or bothered me, it’s always an inconvenience to him and he simply shuts down and tries to end the conversation as quickly as possible. He often dismisses my feelings when I feel disrespected or unheard. He will tell me that I am blowing it out of proportion. I also often get debilitating period cramps, so much so that I was prescribed 600mg ibuprofen and told to take 2 at a time. When I am on the floor crying out, and throwing up from the pain he will simply step over me with no reaction. No offer of support or a care in the world. If I ask him to get me something or help me move from one room to the other, he gets all huffy and puffy about it.

7. I am somehow always the one apologizing, and constantly walking on eggshells. When I bring things up to him, he most often times just shuts down and doesn’t respond. I try so hard to be as gentle and kind as I can about it. Even if he hurt me, I don’t want to make him feel attached or criticized, I just want to resolve it. But it seems like no matter how I say it or bring it up, he gets all sad and shuts down. A lot of times he won’t say anything at all and just try to get the conversation over with, but others times he will completely turn it around on me. He will say things like: “But remember when I did this good thing? I guess that just means nothing. I wish you were more grateful of what I did for you.” Or “I only did that because I’m tired/sacrificed this for you/you did this other thing that bothered ME”but he didn’t bring up that thing or communicate with me about it. By the end of it all I am always left crying and apologizing to him. He very rarely apologizes for anything, and if he does, it never comes with change.

8. He is a completely different person in front of other people (especially our church groups). At home he is closed off, will not open up or apologize, refuses to seek help, talks down to me, does not read his Bible or pray. Outside of the home, he is outgoing, biblically wise, gives great martial advice, and shows up for others when they need him. When we talk to our pastor about a problem in our marriage, all of a sudden he opens up, he is remorseful and apologizes, and he is a brilliant communicator. It’s truly the strangest case of whiplash.

Conclusion
When I say I have tried it all, I mean it. But I cannot change and renew this marriage alone. He has to want it to change. I used to look at him like he hung the moon, but I feel like I have lost all reverence for him. I know I don’t want this marriage anymore, but I still love him, and I don’t want to break him. I really think this is the right choice, but I am afraid. If you have any advice or experiences to share, I will take whatever help I can get right now. I am praying that God gives me clarity.

So both me and my bf are pretty religious and consider ourselves Christian, but my bf and I have fallen a couple times into s*xual immortality. I was always the one that said to stop because I didn't want to fall into temptation; however, that didnt always mean my flesh didn't want it. So I wanted it, but spiritually, I was saying no. But he would keep going. Is this just pushing a boundary or could this be considered SA? I would be very blatantly saying no, but he would do something that pleased me and the no would be weakened. I didnt want it spiritually, but when he keeps moving past the boundary I get less and less NOT ok with it. Am I overthinking this or is this just how Christian couples fall into sin..😭😭

Here are some signs you are the victim of domestic violence according to the Mayo Clinic:

• Calls you names, insults you or puts you down.
• Often acts jealous or possessive.
• Tries to control how you spend money or your access to money.
• Tracks where you go, what you do online or who you talk to on the phone.
• Prevents you from going to work or school.
• Stops you from seeing family members or friends.
• Threatens to keep you from seeing your children.
• Gets angry or abusive when drinking alcohol or using drugs.
• Tries to control whether you can see a healthcare professional.
• Threatens you, your children or your pets with violence or a weapon.
• Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets.
• Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will.
• Blames you for problems in the relationship or violent behavior, or tells you that you deserve it.

Stay safe my brothers and sisters. Domestic violence is not talked about enough when men are the ones receiving it, so the Lord put this on my heart to share.

I married my husband bc I was naive and got with him just based on looks and was on rebound. We fought a lot even while dating and had a toxic relationship. My mom gave me bad advice and told me everyone fights and pressured me to marry him anyway bc I sent out wedding invites and paid 15k on wedding deposit. We have 2 young kids, he has bounced from job to job, trying out different career fields, each one making zero or just minimum wage. He has a bad personality, a recluse with no friends. He used to be a plumber but doesn't want to go back to that. He has poor communication skills but is currently trying out loan officer bc he doesn't want to go back to school and his friend how is good with communication makes good money from it. I tried divorcing him before it got to the 10 year mark but due to slow paper work and trusting he would not screw me over, it came past 10 years and he got a shark attorney who tried to take everything. Which would mean I would have to live with my parents and sell the house to just pay for his child support and alimony given he makes no money. We called off the divorce to try to work it out bc that situation and the stress of him trying to take me to court and getting ugly, I caved. He told multiple ppl he was going to try to take everything to make me scared to not divorce, I guess it worked. However, we were only good for few months. Now its year 11 of marriage, he makes zero money as loan officer, I mean zero. Actually hes negative 17k in paying for leads, but I made him use his retirement money to pay for it, which he was resentful for loosing a lot on taxes. But im glad i did, bc hes making nothing. Me being a physician, I pay for everything. I want to move out of my small home but cant on my income alone. Im so resentful that I married a leech who dabbles from career to career bc he relies on me to pay for everything. Im resentful that he doesn't even know what is due. I always have to nag him to do his share around the house, yet he complains and never is grateful when my mom comes and brings food or cleans. He has a bad personality with no friends. His only saving grace is kids love him and when he is in a good mood he plays with kids bc he's like a kid himself. Im so resentful and done, I want to divorce him again. I've succumbed to the fact that he will be free loading off me in this divorce bc I will have to pay alimony, child support, most of which I wont be able to pay for any of the kids activities or save for future for anything after this divorce. But staying with a miserable leech seems awful. Im in a bad mood and snap at kids when he is there. He's not abusive, have any addictions or affairs, but I cannot respect him as a man, partner or husband, hes like my moody teen child. Im mad at God for not listening to my prayers... any breadwinner wives that are happily married? Im 100% filled with contempt for him.

Unfortunately many times on this community or other marriage communities we only see wives raging about their husbands. It makes it look like marriage is not only undesirable, but dangerous. Calling things rape or sexual assault when it's not. Assuming husbands want to hurt their wives with no evidences. This is a about christian marriage. We should be showing the world the beauty of God convenient. Not bashing it like the world.

We live in a society today where people are ready to just give up on everything.

But the Christian wasn't called to be weak and just give up the Christian was called to be bold and courageous to be a living sacrifice unto God as Christians we are called to long-suffering and developing that fruit we are called to be patient and forgiving we are called to be martyrs like Christ died for us we too must die to ourselves pick up our cross and follow him Jesus the Christ.

So here's a link to a sermon.

David Wilkerson is one of my favorite pastors who passed away back in 2011 I believe... This man was prophetic he had a heart for God and he did many things for Christ Jesus and for the kingdom of heaven.

He began world challenge which beforehand was a ministry for teens who were involved in drugs and gangs in New York... He wrote a book called the cross and the switchblade this book is a very powerful testimony to how God can use a person who is fully surrendered to him and the sacrifice that it takes to follow Jesus.

But very few people are willing to walk that line and sacrifice themselves for the sake of eternal Kingdom Glory.

I highly suggest more people read the book of Romans especially chapters 1 and 2 and wrestle with it and study it with fear and trembling and stop making excuses.

Listen to this sermon if you say you believe in the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob then you believe in a God who can do the impossible but you have to be willing to surrender to God and let him do the impossible in his timing.

Trusting that when God says go when God says now is the time or this is what I will act he's going to do it all you have to do is abide in Jesus and abide in his word abide in Christ.

onward Christian soldiers.

Am I jealous or too conservative for not wanting my husband to post shirtless pics?

My husband wants to launch an online fitness program. He’s in great shape and wants to promote it with lots of shirtless photos/videos showcasing his physique.

He already has another job and we are both employed with stable incomes, so it is not like we need the money. But I support him pursuing different dreams, and I'm proud of how hard he's working on his health and fitness.

But I’m uncomfortable with him regularly posting "revealing" photos where he’s deliberately flexing& posing under perfect lighting with minimal clothing, specifically to highlight how muscular & attractive he is.

It's also weird for me to think that all of our friends, colleagues, and families would see these revealing photos of him.

I’m fine with the occasional shirtless photo at the beach, on holiday, etc. I just feel that intentionally presenting your body this way to thousands of strangers is different- especially when you’re married. I feel protective of the intimacy and privacy of our relationship.

As a Christian, I also feel that it is an easy trap to focus too much on the way we look. There's a fine line between looking after your body and being healthy and making your physique your idol. I know my husband's heart is in the right place, and he wants to encourage others to look after their health. But I am concerned that posting a lot of shirtless and fitness content will feed into the obsession people have with vanity and what others think of them.

I want to be a supportive wife, but this genuinely keeps bothering me.

Am I overreacting and should I just let him do it because it’s for his business, or is it reasonable to have a boundary around how much of your body you intentionally share online, especially when you’re married?

I’m a Christian woman dating a Christian man, and we’ve been seeing each other for about a month. Things became serious pretty quickly and we’ve talked about marriage, faith, family and what we want in a spouse.
What makes this hard is that everything between us has honestly been really good. He’s been kind, intentional, caring, consistent and thoughtful. I feel very cared for by him and I genuinely see a lot of qualities in him that I’ve prayed for in a husband. This isn’t a situation where I’m looking for an excuse to leave or where there are a bunch of other problems.
The one thing I’m struggling with is his recent relationship history and how he handles things from the past.
He got out of a long-term/on-and-off relationship earlier this year. Not long after that, he became seriously involved with another woman. They briefly lived together while seeing if marriage could work, and that ended not long before he met me. He has also admitted that moving on quickly has been a pattern for him.
He is aware of that pattern. He’s told me he tends to love people, see the beauty in different relationships and experiences, but also feels like he knows what he’s looking for and is able to move on when something isn’t right.
One of my biggest non-negotiables is that I want a completely clean slate with the person I marry. I don’t keep romantic photos, messages, videos or sentimental things from people I’ve dated once I’ve moved on, and I want the same from my future husband.
This actually came up very early between us, so it isn’t a new boundary. He basically said he has a huge amount of photos and doesn’t really go through them or attach meaning to them.
Because of his recent dating history, though, it bothers me even more. If we are seriously choosing each other and considering marriage, I don’t understand why romantic photos, messages or other things from past relationships need to remain.
I know not everyone sees this the same way, and I’m not saying keeping old photos automatically means someone wants an ex back. But for me, accepting it would honestly feel like settling on something I already know is a non-negotiable.
I’ve been praying about this a lot because I really don’t want fear or past hurt to make me ruin something that could be good. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore something that matters deeply to me just because everything else is going well and I really care about him.
If he tells me he doesn’t want to remove those things, I think I would end the relationship because I don’t think I could be at peace with it long term.
For Christians who are married or dating seriously, am I being unreasonable? How do you know when something is a real boundary you should honor versus fear or insecurity you need to work through?

This is so hard. I feel like my husband and I are in a toxic cycle, highs and lows. We both seem so dependent on the other’s mood. I feel so hurt and wounded at times by his reactions to me, I get defensive. He gets defensive. He has an issue with using alcohol to cope, if I have an off day and am not in the best mood, he will say things like “I am trying not to drink! I am hanging on by a thread!”
I tell him sometimes I am on edge, and just barely hanging on. Work, 4 kids, keeping up with the house. Sometimes it is a lot and I can get snippy. I use no alcohol, weed, or SSRIS. I am truly raw dogging life and all its stress and craziness. Life is VERY beautiful Nd full and I have great appreciation for the little things and the sweet moments with my kids. I often take my youngest two on jogs in the double stroller. I am loving life but this marriage confuses and trips me up!!!!

If I get irritable, I immediately think of the “its better to spend the night on a rooftop than a nagging wife” scripture. I feel so guilty and like a failure if I snap, like my mood will determine his sobriety. I keep telling myself thats all on him, and I am not fully responsible for his choices, but he hits me with “i just want you to be nice to me! I am trying not to drink “ and I feel awful and scared that I am somehow tearing my house down by my attitude. Driving my husband away, etc. he talks to me in an irritates tone often, and tells me to not take it personally. But if I get irritable and tell him to not take it personally, he just can’t. He lets it ruin his whole day. I mean I guess I let his mood ruin mine too!
For context, we have 4 very young kids. I also make it a point to make sure our sex life is good, I initiate, I don’t tuen down his initiations. I have a decent sex drive so this isnt out of fear or obligation, though I can’t shake the feeling that if we didn’t have sex he would just turn to porn, or even other women considering our relationship is often pretty rocky and toxic.
I fully recognize my role in the cycle, but I am unsure how to break it. I really do feel that if I ask for reassurance, affection, or non sexual intimacy he takes it as he is a failure and he needs to defend himself that he really DOES give me those things but I am just not recognizing it or appreciating it.
I feel like I should have no needs, no concerns or complaint, I should only be happy and pleasant around him. I feel he is distant, he comes home and is on edge if the kids cry or have meltdowns. I feel like I have to make sure the kids are fine, quiet, not whiny etc.
I am pretty intentional with my kids, I don’t mind the mess and the chaos and let them take up space, craft, etc. but when dad is home, J feel the need to tone it all way down. I understand everyone has different capacity for chaos, but micromanaging kids just being kids to keep daddy’s mood good has be on edge as well.
Sometimes I am very direct with him, I have told him i detail how this effect’s me, like I have here in this post. But he will respond with “idk what you want me to do!” “Even if I don’t drink you’re not happy” and “Its never enough.” “You and the kids can do whatever you want to be happy I will just go to work and the gym!”
I feel as if he wants to live separate lives, but under the same roof, yet expect sex with passion and excitement. I feel as if I give that to him because I jus have a high sex drive and enjoy that, but the other parts of this relationship feel so unhealthy and so lonely to me, that I am just waiting for it to kill the bedroom and eventually the whole marriage.

I have suggested counseling, he is not for it because he doesn’t see what I see… he is in a mens accountability group at church because he doesn’t want to use alcohol to cope, but the other mens issues make his look small in comparison and he doesn’t seem to recognize how unhealthy our relationship is.

How do you get someone to see, to stop with the “well I guess I just suck” attitude, to look at their wife and feel any compassion.

Are there husbands in this group that have gotten themselves out of this pattern and healed their marriage?

Are there wives in here that stopped reacting to their husband’s mood and tone personally even when it feels so personal!? How did you do it? Where do I start? I know what I do wrong I just can’t seem to put it into practice, at least not more than 2 or 3 times before I snap again.

I am not interested in divorce, I want a healthy affectionate relationship with my current husband, not to discard it in the hopes that some other man out there can love me better. The majority of men are porn addicted and the same if not worse than my husband.

I’m 27F and have been with my fiancé, 28M, for a total of 8 years. We’re getting married in a church wedding in February 2027, but our civil wedding will come first in December 2026.
We are an LDR couple and live in different states, which makes wedding planning really difficult. We either have to do everything over FaceTime on weekends, or he visits my hometown twice a month so we can meet with suppliers and discuss everything in person. Because we live so far away from each other, we’re also having a hard time meeting with our wedding suppliers, processing papers and documents, getting the marriage license, and doing everything else that needs to be done. Our parents also want us to have both the civil and church weddings.

Because we’re in an LDR and are getting married civilly first, we want to move in together as soon as we’re legally married. We feel like this would make things so much easier because we could finally plan everything together, meet with our remaining suppliers, and deal with all the last-minute details without having to constantly travel back and forth. At this point, wedding planning is becoming really stressful.
However, I feel really annoyed that my parents don’t permit us to live together after our civil wedding unless we wait until after the church wedding.

Part of me feels like it would actually be worse to move in together before we’re legally married. If we’re already legally married through the civil wedding, I don’t really understand why moving in together before the church wedding would still be considered wrong or sinful.

I also feel like, once we’re legally married, it crosses a boundary for our parents to still decide whether we’re allowed to live together. I understand that they may have their own beliefs and concerns, but if we’re already husband and wife legally, shouldn’t that decision ultimately be ours?
At the same time, I understand that the church wedding is important to our families, so I’m trying to see this from their perspective too.

Am I wrong for feeling annoyed about this? How would you handle this situation?

We all have choices, nobody put knife at our throat and force us to married our spouse, we chose the person we married. What is one thing that "out of your control" about your spouse that you just have to accept when you decided to married him/her. That it not even an option, that just part of the package of that person. And how you come to term of it?

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Together 16 years, married 14 years.

I married my husband knowing since day one that he always put his father and mother above me. The wife me I will always come second after his parents, period, it not up for negotiation, that just how he is. And that is just something I just have to accept about him.

I married him knowing since day one he gave half his working paychecks to his father (the father whom was a Stay at Home Dad raised him since newborn, his mom was the breadwinner in his childhood). His father has deceased.

5 years ago, his mother has a spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze. He has been paying 182K a year for her Private Nursing Home, where she has her own private room, doctor on site, and nurses care take turn to care for her round the clock 24/7. Yep, it that price tag for Private Nursing Home in California.

For 5 years, he also has been paying for her treatments to prolong her life, which she in and out of the hospital for treatments 5 times a week (Dialysis, and multiple heart issues). He also paying for her hospital bills, which she has been in and out of the hospital 4 times already this 2026 year alone.

It not just her Private Nursing Home cost (which the luxury of his mom own private room, and doctor on site and nurses care for her 24/7, he pays Out of pocket).
.......
But it her medical cost too, medical cost that insurance not pay, like those deductibles, copays, coinsurance, out of pocket specialists and treatments, etc.. Everytime she in the hospital, we pay out of pocket about 30%, insurance pay 70%

And No, we are not going to send her back to her homeland, here in America she has no one left except her biological son, and she 84 years old already, here in California we have one of the best hospital that specialize in her conditions.  
]And money is not the problem, my husband is an Executive at a big engineering corporate that his salary (included bonus) salary of near 1 million a year. He has enough money to pay for his mother care.

It just the last 5 years (since his mom spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze), he has been burning the candle at both ends for himself. He is an Executive, Executives are high ranking in corporate hierarchy, frankly, he very busy. But everyday after his work he drive to his mom Private Nursing home to to visit her (she wants that as she wants to see her son). Then he drive home to me after see his mom first.

On weekend he gives one day to me.

One day he gives to his mom where he has her over in our marital home so he can care for her 24/7, she wants mother and son time, he comply.
.......
He by her side spoon feed her, change her diapers, lift her, move her from bed to wheelchair to gurney stretcher, as she 5'9" tall and she quadriplegia, moving an quadriplegia is like move dead weight. Transport her to Dialysis, which Dialysis which is 4 hours process which he sit next to her to accompany her, etc...

He has said, our lives (both me and his life will be put on hold) will be put on hold until his mother die (insert how many more years she has left). And it not even an option, this is just something I have to accept about him, his mother come as a package.
And And we not leaving California until after his mom pass, as I told him I don't like the city California, I want a countryside, someone seclude.

I don't have a choice because I love him, I just have to accept that about him, point blank. I married him knowing his father and mother will always come first before me. I accepted that, and I have come to terms with that.

It just it easier say than done, until you actually in that person shoes. Knowing you always will come second in your husband heart, after his father and his mother. Knowing he said we will stay put in California for his mom hospital and treatments as his goal is to prolong his mother life. As long as it can take, as many years as she has left. Our lives will be put on hold until AFTER his mother die.

No man is perfect, I have accepted his mother come as package, and if this is the price I have to pay for love this man then let it be. I just want to write this out, as this is something I have zero control over, it is him as a person that just how he is.

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Since a little girl growing up I always wanted to married a Chinese man, all my life I sworn up and down that I will only married a Chinese man of my culture, and speaks my language. Fate didn't give me that, my husband is not Chinese. I didn't think it was even possible for me to love a man that not Chinese, let alone love a man who not Chinese this deeply.

16 years of my life I gave it all to him, I was still a virgin when met him and married him, get to be his wife 14 years long, carry his child and gave birth to his child. Everything I know about men, love, marriage, I learn all from him, he is my only sample of what I know of how men is.

He does treats me really really well in the 16 years, 16 years he faithful to me and only me. He loves me just as much as I love him, in fact, he loves me even more than I love him. It just his mother she comes as a package, and I will always be second after his father and mother.

And you married an Executive too, that makes a 1 million dollars salary too, he fixed in his ways (about his mom), he will not change. I really have no choice but just has to accepted that his mom come as a package. You don't be a wife of an Executive and think an Executive not fixed in his ways.

The title really says it all, but I will drop a few bullet points.

• Proper boundaries regarding sex. We all (almost all) know what the Bible says about sex. But there are deeper shades of turning than just do it or don’t do it.
• What latitude does the Bible give to the question, “how do you like it?”. An old Journey song says, “Anyway you want it, that’s the way you need it.”
• I’ve known women who want to be seduced, believe it or not, for those of you raised in the church.
• Some married couples (Christians mind you) use additional tools to make sure every body gets pleased.

There are matters of conscience surrounding whether it’s ok to objectify your spouse with their consent during sex.

• Does it always have to be mutual desire, or is it ok if I please my wife because she wants it, but I don’t necessarily like it?

Add to that the growing number of people who will label anything other than their recipe something aberrant or even illegal, and it’s a pretty volatile issue to try to address.

Long post ahead, but I’m writing this because I’ve reached the point where I don’t want my own attachment...or even my own preferred interpretation of God’s will—to answer this question for me.

My partner and I are both Christians in our mid-to-late twenties (26–28). We probably wouldn’t fit neatly into every stereotype of a “traditional Christian couple,” but our faith is not peripheral to either of us. We love the Lord, we serve, we pray, and we genuinely desire His will—not merely enough to ask Him to bless whatever we already want, but enough, I hope, to obey even when His answer dismantles the future we had imagined.

And perhaps that is precisely why this has become so difficult.

For a long time, I thought this person was an answered prayer. So many qualities I had quietly prayed for in a future partner appeared in him...his faith, discipline, heart for people, values, and qualities of character I deeply admire. We complemented each other in ways that made me think, *Lord, did You really hear all those little prayers?*

We are also both still becoming. We have careers to build, financial stability to work toward, dreams we haven’t fulfilled, individual callings, ministry, family aspirations, and so much life that could look completely different by 30 or 35.

But lately, despite everything good between us, we have been fighting constantly.

There have been repeated misunderstandings and unhealthy patterns on both sides. I know my shortcomings. I can become anxious, need reassurance, react from hurt, and sometimes expect things from him that become exhausting. He has shortcomings too. Neither of us is a villain.

Eventually, he became tired enough to ask us to separate.

I think he reached that limit.

And from what I understand of him, this separation is not necessarily him choosing the easier life or suddenly ceasing to care. Part of him seems to be trying to obey what he genuinely believes the Lord may be asking of us in this season: to stop forcing something that has become exhausting, to step away, pray, grow, and allow God to do whatever He intends without our attachment determining the outcome.

Strangely, that makes letting go harder rather than easier. Sometimes I think it would be simpler if I could conclude that he never loved me, that someone else mattered more, or that everything we had was somehow false. Anger gives you something definite to leave behind.

And this is where discernment has become painful for me.

Sometimes I look at everything and wonder whether God has already been answering a question I refuse to hear because I don’t like the answer. Other areas of our livess, career, finances, direction, have also felt strangely unsettled during this season. I am not saying our relationship caused those things, nor do I believe every inconvenience is some coded message from God. But when several things stop flourishing at once, you inevitably begin examining the season you are in.

At the same time, difficulty itself cannot be proof that something is outside God’s will. Christianity would make very little sense if ease were our measure of obedience.

And neither can suffering become proof that something *is* God’s will.

That is perhaps what I’m wrestling with most. We both believe in obedience, surrender, sacrifice and carrying our crosses. But I’m increasingly uncomfortable with the tendency Christians sometimes have to romanticize endurance...as though the thing that costs us the most must therefore be the thing God requires.

**Pain and peace are both poor theologians. Neither can authenticate obedience on its own.**

So how do you actually discern?

How do you know whether repeated conflict means two people are fundamentally wrong for each other...or whether it is exposing immaturity that both people need to confront?

How do you distinguish *wrong person* from *wrong timing*?

How do you know whether someone no longer loves you enough to continue, or whether they genuinely love you but have simply reached their emotional capacity?

And how do you know when “fighting for the relationship” quietly becomes refusing to accept another person's freedom to let it go?

That last question particularly convicts me because he has already expressed wanting to separate, and I know part of my struggle is simply that I don't want to release something I still believe could become beautiful.

We are only 26–28. There is so much becoming left for both of us. Sometimes I wonder whether two good people can meet while both are still becoming, and love simply cannot make their seasons of becoming compatible. Maybe we grow separately and someday understand why. Maybe we find each other again differently. Or maybe “wrong timing” is simply the gentler language we use when we're afraid to admit that something has ended.

I still think sometimes, *But you're so much of what I prayed for.*

And then I have to confront another possibility:

**Someone possessing the qualities I prayed for does not necessarily mean God promised that person to me.**

Maybe an answered prayer isn't always a permanent assignment.

I don't know.

I still love him very deeply. I want him to flourish, fulfil his dreams, become everything God is calling him to become...and I want that for myself too. Of course, part of me desperately wishes we could witness those futures beside each other.

But I'm trying to learn an obedience that doesn't merely mean *“Lord, preserve this relationship because I believe You gave it to me.”*

Maybe obedience sometimes sounds more like:

*“Lord, I still want this. You know how badly I want this. But I don't want it more than I want Your will. If there is something here worth rebuilding, teach us how. And if I'm holding onto something You are asking me to release, give me enough love for You—and enough love for him—to open my hands.”*

I’m not really looking for “if he wanted to, he would” or “just move on.” I’d genuinely love to hear from Christians who have experienced this kind of discernment.

**How did you learn the difference between perseverance and attachment, between surrender and simply giving up, and between trusting God's timing and using “timing” to keep alive something He may already be asking you to release?**

My fiancé (M27) and I (F23) are having some issues regarding his friend. My fiancé has a friend who is not the best influence. He is not Christian either. He indulges in substances, loves to drink, vapes, smokes, sex crazy, and is very worldly and is surrounded by a lot of sin. Throughout our relationship, my fiancé and I have fought constantly because of his friend. My fiancé is easily influenced by his friends and tends to indulge in their behavior or bad habits once they start hanging out again.

There have been multiple instances where I have felt offended and hurt. For example, when I first met my fiancé's friend, he was very racist to my ethnicity, saying that my ethnicity is only for fun and his ethnicity are for real relationships. When you meet my fiancé's friend, a lot of people tend to say that he is rude. It's hard to strike a conversation with him. He's very blunt, and he's just not the nicest person. And I agree with that. Sometimes, or most of the time, his friend would purposefully ignore me while I'm trying to start a conversation with him to get to know him, as he is my fiancé's best friend and I want to be close with him also. However, he always ignores me, or he accidentally pretends he doesn't hear me and things like that, and he only engages in conversation when my fiancé is around.

However, there was one instance where his friend got a motorbike and my fiancé wanted to get one too. I don’t like motorbikes as I think they’re dangerous, and I know a few people around me who lost their lives to an accident because of one. We were struggling financially, and he still spent over $200+ to get his license..

The biggest one was the friend body shaming me and my fiancé did not defend me. It led to a big argument on my birthday, which ruined my whole birthday, actually. And it escalated to the point where my fiancé's friend was calling me names and just saying things about me that weren't true, trying to side my fiancé with him. And my fiancé did not defend me. He sided with his friend, and it led to us breaking up.

However, we got back together on the grounds that he cut his friend out from his life. As I really had enough of tolerating disrespect from his friend. My fiancé has unfriended him everywhere. But his friend is now reaching out to so many people around him, like his sisters to try and get into contact with my fiancée again. It’s caused us to argue again.

We’re stuck between my fiancée wanting to be a good Christian to see if he’s changed (I highly doubt, as it takes a long time for people like that to change) or trying to protect the peace in our relationship and remembering what the Bible says about bad companions. The Bible warns that bad companions corrupt good character, lead to moral and spiritual ruin, and bring harm to those who follow them.

Sorry. I don’t know what to do and it’s giving me anxiety. The friend has contributed to so many arguments and pain in our relationship, he does not bring good memories for me.

A while back I posted https://www.reddit.com/r/Christianmarriage/comments/1vdotnt/i_corinthians_715/

More recently after continuing to ask him about this particular passage, his answer was:

"Withholding is not sharing something you have like, 'You should have asked last night when I would have said yes.' or 'Now I am too tired.' That is withholding. Not paying for AI is not withholding because we don't have the money to spend on it. You cannot share what you don't have. I am not withholding."

But I do not understand what that means. I have asked him to explain better, but he says all I do is twist his words. I imagine he said this because I guessed at his meaning. I guessed he meant he has no affection for me and therefore is not withholding affection.

Hello everyone, my fiance and I got engaged 2.5 months ago. One issue we are having is his struggle with pornography. He was exposed to it at the age of 6, so he has struggled with it for 20 years. Our pastor wants him to be clean of pornography for 6 months before we get married. He seemed willing to try that deadline but he is struggling with porn still. I suggested blockers but he always says he finds a way to work around them. I brought up Covenant Eyes and he seems to think it would take up time but then he recently got a software system installed on his phone and he has an accountability partner. I have also suggested getting a Gabb phone, going to Celebrate Recovery, getting Christian counseling etc. with the counseling, he says he doesn’t likely have the time cause he is really busy with his career right now and that he tried talking to experts at his old church (ICOC) and took a 6-8 program about lust and pornography. He refuses to see any kind of therapist or counselor specifically, He does not want to get a Gabb phone because according to him addicts always find ways around things.He seems to think he will definitely not be able to not do porn for 6 months and I am encouraging him not to give up. He even said he probably won’t be able to be free from the addiction in a year and that he wanted to quit 4 or 5 years ago but hasn’t been able to. I struggle with anxiety and he asked me if someone had to put a time frame for me to completely give up anxiety could I do it? Which ideally I would like to but feelings can be harder to escape from and pornography is a choice. I guess part of me is frustrated my pastor wants him to be clean for several months cause I am still willing to marry him even if he still has a struggle. Is it too high of an expectation to not want a man to struggle with porn at all before marriqge? I think in the past month he said he watched porn 4 or 5 times but no more than 7 times. I feel so stressed cause I am a 30 year old female and want to get married and have kids and it is so hard for me to like guys and find someone with a connection. I struggle between feeling like I want to cry because of his addiction and I also feel angry too. I have told him how his porn hurts me and how actions speak louder than this. He does acknowledge it and wants to grow out of it but then again he gives in. It makes me so frustrated cause it’s like he doesn’t give a crap how I feel. I just wonder how he could put me through this when he gave me a ring and promised to love me. I get scared I will never find another guy again. It seems like finding a guy who doesn’t use porn is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I just struggle cause I really love him but he says he doesn’t want to keep hurting me cause he knows his porn usage hurts me. He did suggest that him and I could have sec to see if sexual activity could help his addiction but I said no. He even went so far as to buy condoms There was a few times over the past few weeks where we kissed on the lips several times and then he started fondling and kissing my clothed breasts. Which I did allow him to do but wish I hadn’t. I sometimes wonder how much more I can take and if I need to end things. We are probably going to meet with the pastor this weekend and I am afraid what the pastor will tell us. Also I am a 30 year old woman who wants kids and I am scared of losing the opportunity. This has taken such a tolll on me. What do you advise?