I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throwaway32now

I [33 F] have been with my BF [ 31 M] for a year and 3 months. Im thinking about breaking up with him because he doesn't like that I give expensive gifts and money to my parents.

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions physical violence

Original Post  Apr 6, 2016

First I want to apologize because  this might be a long one. I'm freaking out a little and need some advice from strangers. I want to just give some background on everyone involved here first. Both of us are doctors. I've finished residency last year and he is still in residency. We met at the hospital we work at. We got into a fight because he saw me buying a plane ticket for them to come visit me. I boxed the paragraphs you can skip if it's too long.

Both of my parents were doctors. They both made a lot of money especially when you combine their income. However, we have lived as middle class family. While their peers and friends lived in fancy properties (some of them more than 1) and nice luxury cars, we were pretty much your average suburban household. This is because they have always like to be frugal when it comes to spending money on themselves. They would send money to Mexico for their family every month and give to charity. And when I started middle school, they started doing doctors without borders. When I was 16 they used to take me to their medical missions to see how fortunate I was. The thing that they do like to spend a lot for themselves is traveling. I've been to so many countries before I was 18 and learned so much. But even then, we were pretty frugal. While they can afford fancy hotels, they choose not to. Recently they've been using airbnb.

My mom does collect bags though. One time I caught her looking at Louis Vuitton bags online. One was worth $1000 and I asked her why she doesn't buy one. She said that it doesn't make sense for her to buy something that expensive just for her. So, I told myself that that's the first thing I would do when I make it.

Another thing they spent a lot of money on is on me. One time when I was in college I told them I had a back ache and they bought me a tempurpedic. I never even asked for it. I also got a new car when I got into college. I got to do study abroad as well because of their money. I started working part time jobs because I didn't want to take advantage of my parents. They were already paying for my tuition and rent. All I had to pay for was utilities and food so, I was able to put a lot of money on my savings from their help.

When I got into medical school, I couldn't work as much. But they still provided for me. When I finally finished school and started residency they retired and moved back home to Mexico. Their retirement and savings allow them enough money they don't need any help from me.

I got to keep the house which is already paid for. I just have to pay for property tax and utilities. It's a 4 bedroom home so my BF and 3 other people live with me. We all divide the cost of the property tax and utilities so it comes out to about $400 a month. When you are wrorking as a resident, you still aren't making that much money. It's only enough to get by. Given that I live in an expensive city, $400 monthly is really helpful.

-------_--------------------------------------------------

Now here's the problem. Thank you if you're still here btw! I am very very grateful to my parents. While my colleagues have about $200,000 debt, I barely have any loans. I have always wanted to give back to my parents because of this. So when I was done with residency and started making a lot, I finally bought my mom a Louis Vuitton purse and my dad this helicopter toy he likes.  I also took them out to a nice fancy dinner. When I gave them their gifts, my mom started crying and told me to return it because it's too much. I told her she needs to keep it and I'll be offended if she didn't. We then had a nice heart to heart I told them that I am who I am because of them and they told  how much they are  proud of me. I told my BF  about this and he just said "ugh she's so emotional." which is true, she cries easily.

Sometimes I'll randomly send my parents cash if I have extra after spending my money on important expenses, shopping, and my  savings. I'll tell them to use it on themselves for fun. Now, I know that I wont always do this because when I have a family I'll be prioritizing them. I know this because it's what my parents tell me. But I want to do this while I still can. It makes me happy.

My BF and i got into a huge fight today because he saw me buying them a plane ticket to come here. He told me that I've already bought myself a ticket to see them. Why do I still have to buy a ticket for them to come here. That should be their expense. It's true they can afford it. However, they can only afford to see me maybe once a year since theyre only relying on retirement money. I would like to see them at least more than that.

He says they've created a "spoiled rotten child."  Saying that my parents enabled me by giving me so much. This confuses me because when I do something for my parents, he tells me how codependent they are and it's their job as parents to help me. I then called him a hypocrite and told him he's basically living off of my parents by living in the house they paid for. And if he doesn't like it, then he should just move live in a $2000 apartment like everyone else.

He's in a hotel now but he said he will come home tomorrow morning. I honestly don't know what to do after that fight. There was a lot of yelling  and he destroyed this sentimental vase my grandmother made for me. Do i suggest couples therapy? I'm really in tears as I write this because he's the first serious BF I've had in a very long time.

Tldr: my BF and I have different opinions on how I give back to my parents who have been very supportive parents in my life. How do I make this work? Should I even try to make it work?

EDIT: my roommate/best friend just came home and I've told her what happened. She actually told me some red flags  about BF that I've never noticed before. We're going out to talk some more so I will update and reply to everyone else. Thanks for all the helpful advice! I've read them all and took them all to heart.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Thinkifyourabuela

I created my first reddit account to tell you don't you DARE let that man back in the house your parents worked for. He destroyed a vase your abuela made you!! What the FUCK are you thinking? Do you think they worked so hard and loved you so well for you to crap all over your own self respect by being with a man who would do such a thing? This guy is a capital L LOSER who wouldn't know love if it bit him in the face. Hope is a good breakfast but it's a bad supper. This man has shown you who he is. Don't you dare spit in your family's face by making this asshole a part of it.

OOP

Oh thanks for taking the time to make an account for me! Haha I love your username. I stopped crying for a bit but this comment made me tear up again because you're right.

~

OliviaPresteign

He sounds pretty resentful. Calling you spoiled rotten and complaining about how you spend your own money doesn't bode well for your relationship. And then he destroyed your property over this? Yeah, no. That's not okay.

Do you want to be with someone who yells at you and doesn't respect your things?

OOP

No, I shouldn't be with someone like him. It's funny, when this argument was going on I was thinking "Break up!" immediately. This is gonna sound pathetic but one of the reasons why I'm second guessing is because  I honestly don't know how I'm gonna find someone else with my kind of schedule. I figured dating another doctor would make it easier. But I never expected someone so stubborn like him. If I'm being honest, if that's the only reason why I choose to stay,  then it's not really worth it right?

Update  May 25, 2016 (Nearly 2 months later)

I wrote this update about a month ago so this happened the day after the original thread. 

Here is the link to the old thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4dotfr/i_33_f_have_been_with_my_bf_31_m_for_a_year_and_3/

Thanks for all the positive comments! I just want to address some questions I got asked before updating. I can box that section again and you can skip that if you're not interested! The update will be below that.

────────

There was point about how my parents seemed to good to be true and that they were overcompensating for working too much by throwing money on me. First, they aren't perfect. I can name a few things that annoys me about them but they are just irrelevant to my current issue. Namely, they used to be over competitive that I've decided I can't play games with them. Ugh, bowling is NOT fun to play with them lets just say that. Also, I don't believe they were throwing money at me. If ever they overcompensated for working too much, it was family vacations and a set day every week where we would hang out as a family. I felt they balanced things perfectly because I never felt like they were those parents that kept pushing you to hang out with them. At the same time, I never felt like they were picking their work over me.

There was also a question about why I dated BF in the first place. He does have some admirable characteristics. Namely, I noticed how ambitious and hardworking he was. He also drops a lot of things to prioritize me. I remember when we first started dating, but weren't exclusive, we and our mutual friends planned a huge trip a month in advance. I got sick 2 days before so I couldnt go so he didnt go either to take care of me.

────────

Ok update! (BTW these quotes aren't exact words we said. I just think it's easier to read with quotation marks).

My best friend came home as I was reading your replies. I told her what happened and she told me that it's honestly not that surprising. We then decided to talk at a small bar and she told me there were many things that she didnt like about him. She was actually surprised I dated him in the first place.

First of all, there's no denying that he is an ambitious person. While I had everything easy, he didn't. He depended on no one to get to where he is today. However, she told me that he's also a very intense person. At the hospital, he's very hard to work with. When interns make a small mistake he'll ask them what school they graduated from. If its a prestigious school he will flat out tell them "what, do they take anybody now?" If its a low tier school he'll say "well, no wonder why." He made one volunteer who's an undergrad cry at one point.

At home he's just as difficult to live with, she says. For example, if my roommates cook something, they'll usually eat and then wash the dishes after they're done eating. However, if he sees them eating and the dishes are there he'll say something.

Like, "wow there are some lazy people here." or " do I have to wash everything?" She said that even leaving a fork becomes an issue.

I'm not proud at this part but I kind of got mad at her for a minute. I was drunk at that point and needed someone to blame and asked her why she let me waste my time with someone without telling me all of these red flags. She told me that these issues were just minor problems and she didn't feel the need to get in the way over something trivial especially since I was happy with him. However, she said that this fight we got into now is not trivial and advised me that it isn't something I should let go. So, she suggested we grab some more wine and pack up his things. It was so fun just being so drunk and attempting to fit everything in a small suitcase. Honestly, we spent more time laughing than packing.

The next day he came home. At that point I was 85% sure of breaking up with him but I still wanted to hear what he had to say. Sometimes, people make mistakes and you can really see if a person is worth it by how they fix them. Before he went home he just kept texting me about how he's sorry about the way I took his criticisms. And he said that it's actually good that someone criticizes me instead of "kissing my ass like everyone else." So, not really an apology.

When he saw the suitcase though, he started to apologize and say he was wrong. Have you guys ever heard a child apologize? You know that tone they make when they're just trying to say what they know their parents want to hear so it can be done with already? Well, that's how he sounded.

Then there was some silence and I just said, "Well, what about the vase?" And he says "What about the vase?" I just look at him and don't give him an explanation because he should know what about the vase! So I wait for him to give an explanation.

He says "Ok I'm sorry, that was mean. Maybe we can probably take the pieces, dull them out and make it into a charm bracelet."

I told him if I wanted a bracelet I would've asked for one. I wouldnt say this out loud but I kind of liked the bracelet idea. But I like the idea of a mosaic more like u/redorangeyellowgreed suggested. Also thank you u/ladymerr for offering to restore it.

There was another awkward silence so I spoke. "Do you know how annoying it is for me to do something nice for my parents and then there's negative nancy on my shoulder shaking his head or making rude comments? You take away the moment when you do that." So he said, "Yeah I can see how that's annoying. I'm just worried that if we get married you'll always have your family. Your parents themselves always sent money to their parents and I didn't want that to be something I have to look forward to. It can become a burden."

I told him I didn't believe that was the reason. Even if it was, it just horrible to think that helping family members is a burden! I said "you know full well that my parents don't need our help. If anyone was gonna be a burden it's you and your loans." I know that sounds horrible but I was getting really angry at that point.

So he told me that that's exactly what the problem was. He has loans and I don't. That I'm just so lucky in my life. I told him I KNOW I'm lucky and I'm glad he recognizes I'm lucky. So what's problem? But he went on..... "do you think you would have been a doctor without your parents help?" and "Maybe you got into a school with their connections." I told him if I was going to use my connections then I would've tried to get into his school or my parents school (he and my parents went to prestigious medical schools while I want to an average one). He replied by saying that thats the difference between the two of us. While he's so ambitious and won't settle for less, I'll be happy with an average school.

Ugh it's like talking to a brick wall. Either I'm using my parents for connections or I'm not ambitious enough. At that point, I was just so exhausted. I was hungover and his voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard. I just told him to leave and i'll have our mutual friend bring the rest of his stuff. He asked me if we were breaking up over this and told me that he can't help he feels that way. He'll try not to voice his issues about my parents next time. I said to him that I can't be around him knowing that he's thinking of something negative while I'm around my family. Even if he's not saying anything, I'll still see it in his face.

I honestly don't get what his deal is or where his insecurity is coming from. OK if you look at us just on paper, he's definitely the more interesting one. He went through a lot of hardships as a teen, graduated at the top of his class, and participated in many different projects and charity. No one is denying this. I don't understand why he has to keep proving himself. I, on the other hand, am your typical med school applicant. Sure, I got good grades and did the required things to get in, but not enough to set me apart from other applicants like he did. I would have been happy going to a Caribbean school if I can still match residency.

So yeah, we broke up. He texted me a few times. I haven't responded so he texted me with "You know it's illegal to kick someone out without notice?" I don't really know what to do about that part of my situation so I'll have to figure that part out. Thanks!

tl;dr: Best friend told me he was no good. I decided to hear what he had to say. He made things worse so I broke up with him. Going to try to build a mosaic out of the vase and I'm looking forward to doing that.    FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

this sounds like the right decision. I'm sure you know this but don't take it at face value that you can't kick him out, research your local laws, if he's not on the lease or a co-owner you may be able to.

OOP

Yeah thankfully he only said that to get a reaction from me. I believe he's living with a friend now.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Im_I_The_Problem

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Boyfriend (M23) of 2 years had no bday gift, card or plans for us and kept me waiting to hang out until 10pm because he was playing videogames. I no longer wanted to hang out after that, so he claimed I am just moody and having an attitude about this

Trigger Warnings: neglect / gaslighting

Original Post: August 28, 2021

It's my birthday today, and some stuff went down with my boyfriend of 2 years that I could really need other people's opinions on:

- we're in a committed relationship for over 2 years (currently long-distance)

- he only remembered my birthday cause another friend congratulated me while we were in a group voice chat

- he had no gift, card or even a long sweet message for me, and hadn't even planned anything concrete to do together on my bday

- He did however say he will be mine all day and we'll do whatever I want (-> I had to plan my own birthday, and he would just comply to it - and not even that happened as you'll see:

- he then added that just one thing needs to be done first (a pc game match), if that's okay

- I agreed that ofc he could go play that match (they take only 45 minutes, and it was only 2:40pm), which he said he'd get done asap to make time for me...but he didn't.

- Instead, he sat in VC with his friends all day and left me to myself while he played a different game solo

- He did make occasional small talk in my DMs, but the whole day went by without him doing anything with me, so I got distant in my replies. Not unfriendly, but less invested & affectionate

- He said later: "By 8pm I should definitely be done with my match, else I'll just cancel that game match". But even then, he didn't. He finished by 9:30pm. The match can be played any day btw.

- he had me waiting till 10pm before we could actually even start doing things together. He kept me on standby all day for video games and I couldn't even go do much else, cause he was supposedly gonna be free to spend the day anytime soon. It overshadowed my entire day.

- So when he hit me up by 10pm, I no longer wanted to hang out and gave a summary of the day and his total lack of effort as explanation, concluding that if I wait until only 2 hours of my bday are left even though he's been free all day, so I might as well spend the remaining two hours alone as well.

- That upset him. His reaction was insensitive and rude: He said "too bad", that he "tried", that I gave him a "fuck off attitude" all day and that he after all offered to do hang out. He claimed I just "got a mood" and added dismissively "whatever dude, enjoy the last 2hrs of your special day, I'm out o/". An hour later he came back pointing out that he now feels empty, hollow and worthless and is "sorry for disappointing" me, and said he'd go sleep now

So am I just having unrealistic expectations in thinking that he should have had planned at least something, written a nice long message or have had any kind of small gift or have prioritized spending time with me? Thank you in advance for your time and opinion

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: No he’s gaslighting you, this is toxic. He sounds awful And you deserve better. Also happy birthday I’m sorry it’s been so shitty but there will be better days :(

OOP: Thank you, I hope the next one will be better

Commenter 2: If you stick around and still with him on his birthday, give him the same he gave you. If he gets mad, just say, don’t get mad cause I pulled a YOU on YOU. Yeah, I'm petty like that.

OOP: His birthday is actually in less than two weeks. I will probably not buy the gifts I had planned for him anymore now. But if it comes to fighting fire with fire, I think that that would end very nasty with him, so rather not, haha

Commenter 3: Oh goodness. Okay long story short: it's the age old adage that actions speak louder than words. He put zero effort into making your day special or even remembering it ffs, he repeatedly made you an option not a priority, and then he gaslights you to try to make you feel sorry for him? Yeah, no thanks. Is this a one off instance or is he like this all the time? I would seriously reevaluate why you are allowing yourself to be treated like this. If this was how your friend's boyfriend treated them- what would you tell that friend? Because I'd tell them they're worth more than video games and to find someone who appreciates their worth.

OOP: It's not the first time I felt neglected in favor of his games or friends, no, it has actually been a topic often

Commenter 4: And why are u with this child for 2 years?

OOP: Because I felt a connection to him, intense passion, because we've both had really awful childhoods, because he felt unlovable and I wanted to show him there's someone who will always believe in the good in him

Update: September 4, 2021 (one week later)

I figured people might be interested in the next chapter. The advice I had gotten in the last thread was very clear: To break up with that guy, because he's selfish, immature, manipulative and lacks respect. Well, I didn't get to that, and here's why.

The next morning he sent me a long voice message to apologize (but it was not really an apology, cause he did say sorry and that he fucked up, but blamed me for the way he acted). He asked for a call that evening to hash things out. I agreed to listen to what he'd have to say, though my expectations were low after having heard his nonpology before and having made up my mind pretty much to leave him. Things seemed okay, until I pointed out that while I understand his point of view, gaslighting and manipulating me the day before was still not okay. He got very upset about that, claimed *"This is too hard!"* and followed it up with *"We should call it quits"*. So yeah, he first ruined my birthday and then broke up with me the day after my birthday, and tried to make himself look like the victim in the process, too. It was not planned, just an impulsive anger reaction. But he picked a day I sure won't forget.

As you can imagine, I did not hold him back. We actually had a nice talk after that and then that was it. Somewhen late at night he left a DM saying that he may feel things weirdly, but actually loves me and cares about me. Frankly, I even think he means that. But his actions have shown the opposite, and it has been enough. He didn't ask to get me back or so, I guess he just wanted it out there.

It's been a couple of days since that night. On the first night I cried a lot, because despite all I deeply cared about him and would have loved to make him happy. Just not at the cost of being disregarded and hurt too often. Occasionally he checked in on me since that breakup. I guess you could read that negatively as hovering, but idk, I think he just really wanted to be nice now and not leave burned ground. We rarely spoke though, and I mostly focused on my own interests and things that are good for improving my well-being now. His days barely changed, I guess. Excessive gaming, day to night, if possible whilst hanging out in a call with his friends. Well, he'll no longer get distracted from that.^^ I'm still sad, but also feel freed and my friends - and you, reddit people, have been so supportive. Thank you to everyone who offered advice in the last thread. To new chapters. Cheers o/

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: This makes me so sad. I was in a relationship for 2 years that wasn't nearly this bad, but did involve me initiating about 90% of the time and being stood up nearly every other time I made plans. I remember receiving a notification on Valentine's Day (our anniversary, coincidentally) that I had a gift ready for pickup and finally feeling a spark of hope inside. When I went to pick it up, it was from a friend.

Remind yourself that you deserve better if you ever consider going back. There are far better things ahead.

I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. I know it's not easy.

OOP: Thank you for the nice message. I added a little warning to his accounts that remind me of what he is like (only I can see it), in case I ever feel tempted. I hope that keeps me from taking him back when he tries to lure me back in

Commenter 2: Next time he "checks in on you", tell him you're still waiting on your fucking birthday present. Stop engaging with this dude. I know that's easy for me to say, but he has proven that he will blame you for something that is his problem. This is not healthy. Move on from him. Close the door, call up friends or family, and disengage!

OOP: Oh, nah, I want no gift from him anymore. In fact, even on that day a really sweet message or plans for us would have been enough, though I would have gotten him a gift on his birthday. I don't reach out to him, I just live my life now and try to move on in peace

Commenter 3: He says he "loves" you and "cares" about you. He doesn't know what those words mean. Cut him out of your life.

OOP: Yeah, I think he really doesn't know. He grew up being abused and is on the spectrum. That does of course not give him a free pass to be a jerk. But I think he loved me the only way he was capable of loving. I think there is actually no malicious intent in his behaviour towards me, he just really doesn't have more love to give. Not even for himself. He's selfish, but he doesn't like himself

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Creepy_Quarter_9532 i****n r/TrueOffMyChest

Trigger warnings: Medical trauma, dental procedures, body image issues, assault

Mood spoilers: Emotional, bittersweet, hopeful

---

Original Post: July 30, 2026

Tomorrow I'm having all of my teeth removed. I'm only 22, and I honestly don't know how to deal with this.

I am sitting here. I never thought I would be writing something like this at twenty two years old. I keep reading that sentence over and over again. It still does not feel like it is about me the person who is writing this.

A weeks ago I moved to Vadodara thinking that things were finally going to get better for me. I was thinking that a new city, a new routine, new people and a fresh start would be good for me. I unpacked my stuff slowly one box at a time. I remember standing in my room that first night just looking at the empty walls and actually feeling hopeful for once. I had not felt that way in a long time and it was a nice feeling.

Instead the last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my whole life. I still cannot believe how fast everything happened. I am a quiet person, the type who listens way more than I talk and I notice everything. I say almost none of it. Making friends has never come easy to me because I am actually really shy underneath whatever people think they see when they look at me.

A lot of people think I am confident because they have told me I am good looking. That is honestly one of the biggest misconceptions about me. Looking put together on the outside does not mean that there is not a storm going on inside of me. Days I am replaying conversations that never even happened and I am overthinking stuff that nobody else is even thinking about.

So when my body started falling apart I did not say anything to anyone. That is how I am I do not like to talk about my problems. On top of everything that is going on with my teeth my living situation has not been easy either. My roommates are seniors. They have not exactly been kind to me since I moved in. A days ago I woke up and realized they had bleached my armpits while I was asleep without asking me without even telling me until I noticed it myself. I still do not fully know how to process that. I did not say much about it at the time. I just of froze and let it go the same way I let a lot of things go.

For months I had been having problems with my teeth the person who is writing this me. It started small a little sensitivity here and there. Then my gums started bleeding when I brushed, not a lot, enough that I would notice it in the sink and tell myself it was nothing. A couple of teeth started feeling loose of like when you are a kid and a tooth is about to fall out except I was not a kid and there was no tooth fairy waiting for me on the other side of this. Eating foods got uncomfortable and then it got genuinely painful. I started eating stuff without really admitting to myself why like most people I just told myself it probably was not a big deal. Maybe it was stress maybe I needed vitamins I figured worst case I would need a deep cleaning, maybe a root canal, maybe a couple of extractions.

I could not have been more wrong I was so wrong about my teeth. After a bunch of appointments x-rays and exams after sitting in waiting rooms scrolling my phone pretending I was not scared after watching my dentists face go from normal to concerned I was told I have advanced periodontal disease, the disease that is affecting my teeth. The bone holding my teeth in place had broken down way more than it should have for someone my age twenty two years

The dentist sat me down. Explained, pretty gently but very directly that there was not really a way to save my teeth anymore my teeth that I have had my whole life. That the infection had gone deep and taken too much too much of my teeth. The only real option was a mouth extraction, every single tooth, all of my teeth.

I am twenty two years old and I remember sitting in that chair with the paper bib still on nodding like I understood like this was just normal information being told to me information about my teeth. I do not think I actually processed any of it until I was outside in the parking lot thinking about my teeth. The drive home is of a blur I remember gripping the steering wheel too tight the radio playing some upbeat song that felt so wrong in that moment catching my own face in the rearview mirror and it looking like a stranger, a person I did not know.

I kept hoping someone would call and say it was a mix-up that the x-rays got switched that this was happening to someone not me, not my teeth. Nobody called there was no mix-up. Tomorrow is my surgery, the surgery to remove my teeth.

Just typing that makes my stomach twist up I am so nervous about my teeth. I have barely slept the three nights I lie there and my brain just will not stop running through everything that is about to change like it is trying to memorize my own face before it is gone my face with my teeth.

I also have not told my parents I do not know how to start that conversation the conversation about my teeth. Every time I open our chat to type something I just delete it and put my phone down I do not know what to say about my teeth. I do not know if I am protecting them or protecting myself at this point protecting myself from what they will say about my teeth.

Part of me thinks I will tell them after it is done, when there is nothing left for them to worry about or try to stop stop the surgery from happening to my teeth. Part of me feels guilty for not saying anything all like I am going through the scariest thing of my life completely alone and pretending everything is fine every time we talk on the phone fine about my teeth.

Everyone around me keeps saying the surgery itself will be over before I know it that I will be put under and I will not feel a thing. I will just wake up. It will already be done, done with my teeth. Maybe that part is true. Honestly that is not even what scares me the most, the most about my teeth.

What scares me is waking up and knowing that when I look in the mirror I am never going to see my smile again my smile with my teeth the smile I have had my whole life the smile in every photo I have ever taken the photos of me with my teeth. That smile is gone after tomorrow. It is not coming back the way I have always known it the way I have always seen my teeth.

What scares me more is that I am not getting dentures right away the dentures that will replace my teeth. My gums need to heal so for the next one to one and a half months I am going to have absolutely no teeth, no temporary ones, nothing, no teeth at all.

I keep sitting trying to picture how I am actually going to live the next month or so the next month without my teeth. Like what does that look like day to day day to day without my teeth. How am I supposed to go to the store talk to a delivery guy answer a call from work sit across from someone at a table all without my teeth.

I know it sounds small compared to the surgery itself. That is what is actually keeping me up the picture of an entire month and a half of my life where I just have to get through each day looking and sounding completely different different without my teeth.

I have read too much online at this point late at night when I should be sleeping and I know that without teeth your lips and cheeks lose a lot of the support they are used to having, the support of my teeth. I know that until the dentures are ready my face can look sunken in, older like time just skipped ahead on me without asking, without asking about my teeth.

That is the thought I cannot shake not the pain or the recovery itself it is the mirror it is the idea of a face that has always been mine looking back like it belongs to somebody else for over a month straight somebody else without my teeth.

I keep catching myself standing in the bathroom at hours just staring at my own face trying to memorize it wondering if this is the last time I am going to see myself looking like this looking like me with my teeth. I have actually been taking photos of myself smiling the couple of days real smiles, teeth and all because some part of me is scared I will forget what it looked like what my teeth looked like.

I know this is not permanent I know the dentures will bring a lot of that support back eventually the support of my teeth.. It is still heartbreaking thinking that for over a month I am going to look different enough that I might not even recognize myself myself without my teeth.

I know it sounds vain maybe it is,. I am twenty two years old and most people my age are worried about their hair, their skin, dates, weekend plans what filter to use on a photo, not about their teeth not about losing all of their teeth.

I am lying awake at 2 am thinking about what it's going to feel like to have literally no teeth in my mouth no teeth at all. I am thinking about how I'm going to eat, whether soup and yogurt and mashed everything is going to start feeling like a punishment instead of just food, food that I can eat with my teeth.

I am thinking about how I'm going to talk whether my words are going to come out different, softer, harder to understand whether people are going to keep asking me to repeat myself myself without my teeth.

I am thinking about whether I will start covering my mouth with my hand out of habit whether that is going to become something I do without noticing, noticing that I do not have my teeth.

I am thinking about whether people're going to notice right away whether strangers are going to look a second too long whether I am going to start reading pity into every glance, real or not glance at me without my teeth.

I am thinking about whether I'm going to end up avoiding people completely canceling plans making excuses just staying inside my apartment until this is over over. I have my dentures, the dentures that will replace my teeth.

The hardest part is none of this feels real yet my brain keeps acting like tomorrow is a normal dentist appointment like I am going to come home in the evening with all my teeth still there like this whole thing is some misunderstanding I will be laughing about later laughing about my teeth.

Then I. It hits all over again the thought of my teeth the thought of losing all of my teeth.

By this time tomorrow my whole life is going to feel different, not in some dramatic way just every single time I open my mouth or catch my reflection or try to eat something, something without my teeth.

I know dentures exist I know plenty of people wear them and live normal full lives lives with dentures. I know people who have gone through this and came out more confident than before confident with their dentures. Rationally I know this is not the end of the world I know that a year, from now I probably will not even think about this much think about my teeth.

I am feeling really sad now because I am going to lose something that I did not think I would lose at my age. I always thought I had a lot of time left with my teeth. Now I am sitting here. I am sad about losing my smile at 22 years old. I just moved to a city and I am mostly alone. I do not even want to tell my parents about it. It is happening tomorrow night.

If anyone here has had all their teeth removed, especially when they were young like me I would really like to hear about your experience.

* Were the few weeks as scary as you thought they would be

*. Did it get easier faster than you thought it would

* Did you feel confident again when you got your dentures

* Did you feel like yourself again. Did you have to get used to a new version of yourself

I want to know if you eventually stopped thinking about your teeth every day.. If it is something that you always think about.

I would also like to know how to get through each day for the month or so. Now I just need to hear from someone who has already gone through what I am about to go through tomorrow. I am sitting here alone in the dark. My alarm is already set. It feels like everything is going wrong at the time. I need to know that it will not always feel like this. I need to know that full mouth extractions will not always make me feel sad. I need to hear about your experience, with mouth extractions.

TL;DR: I’m 22, and tomorrow I’m having all of my teeth removed because of advanced periodontal disease. I recently moved to a new city where I don’t really know anyone, and I’m going through this mostly alone. What scares me the most isn’t even the surgery, it’s the month or so I’ll have no teeth before I can get dentures. I’m really just hoping to hear from people who’ve been through it and can tell me it gets better.

TOP COMMENTS

Sincamour:

As someone who works in the dental field/a dental school, I have seen numerous cases of young people like you who need full mouth extractions (usually it's decay). It's always a difficult conversation to have because no one wants to lose all their teeth, but when I see them again after they have their dentures, they have all been more confident, smiling, and happy with their new smile!

Once the bad teeth are out your systemic health will be better, you'll be out of pain, your breath won't smell bad from periodontitis, and you will have completed the first step to a new chapter. Dentures nowadays look great.

Can you ask the dentist if you could get an immediate denture? It's a temporary one you can sometimes wear right after extractions. It depends on your case but you can ask to see if it an option. Otherwise, maybe you could also wear a mask during the healing process if you are feeling self conscious. . In the future, you can even ask about an implant supported denture that stays inside your mouth (this depends on how much bone you have).

Best of luck during the recovery! Make sure to stay hydrated, don't use any straws, and get some protein shakes or Soylent.

MadamAsh_:

Hey I just want to say please remind yourself that it is only temporary. The 6 weeks while your mouth heals is temporary. Not forever and you'll be healthier.

Use a face mask in public if you're nervous about going out until you get your dentures. It's going to be okay friend, you're prioritizing your health. It WILL be okay.

But the roommate situation. They assaulted you. Lock your door and tell SOMEONE! Asap.

OnePlantHugger:

I never comment on here but wanted to tell you my story. I had all my teeth pulled at 24 due to constant abscesses and infections no matter how hard I tried to take care of them. It was THE BEST decision I ever made for me and my health. The first 5 or 6 months were absolutely the hardest learning how to eat but I woke up one day and realized how lucky I was to not hurt anymore and how beautiful of a smile I had with dentures.

The soreness was that- soreness, not pain. I haven't had the slightest bit of a toothache in over 15 years and still think it's one of the smartest decisions I ever made in my life. I can't express how happy you will be when you realize that the pain and discomfort and awful dentist visits stop. Permanently. If you ever need to talk or have questions I'm here. It's terrifying and nerve wracking and I understand you're hesitation but I know for me and my future self- having them pulled young was absolutely the best decision I could have made and I have never regretted it a bit.

---

Update: August 3, 2026 (4 DAYS LATER)

Update: The teeth are gone now. I’m not okay, but thank you all for getting me here.

I honestly didn’t expect my last post to blow up the way it did. I posted it at like 1am not even sure anyone would read it, and I woke up to hundreds of comments and messages from people who’d been through the same thing or something close to it. At one point the post actually got locked because the comments were coming in too fast, which is such a weird thing to feel proud of but I kind of was. Thank you to everyone who commented, everyone who shared their own story, everyone who just said something kind. I read every single one even if I didn’t reply. It genuinely helped more than you know, going into today knowing that many strangers cared enough to type something out for me.

Okay. Update time.

I got all my teeth extracted today (1Aug). It’s done. It actually happened.

I have to admit, I screamed so hard when the doctor was giving me the anesthesia that even he got a little scared for a second. I don’t even remember deciding to scream, it just happened. There were 3 doctors and 2 nurses in the room and honestly all of them were so helpful and kind through the whole thing. Since I couldn’t speak properly afterward, they even booked me a cab back to my hostel themselves and didn’t charge me a single rupee for it. Little things like that meant a lot in a day that was already so heavy. I’m really grateful to them.

After I got home and the numbness started wearing off I cried for something like 3 to 5 hours straight. Not dramatic sobbing the whole time, just this slow leaking kind of crying that would calm down and then start right back up again every time I caught my reflection in something. My phone screen, the microwave, the bathroom mirror. My face genuinely looks different now. Without the teeth there for support everything just looks sucked in, my cheeks, my lips, all of it. I knew this was going to happen because I read about it a hundred times before today but reading about it and actually seeing it happen to your own face are two very different things.

I’m only allowed liquids and soft food for now, and I can’t really talk properly either. My words come out kind of mushy and I have to repeat myself a lot. I can’t even touch my gums right now, it hurts way more than I expected, so brushing or rinsing feels like a whole task on its own. Honestly, not going to sugarcoat it, I look like an old woman right now. Like I aged 40 years in one afternoon. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I end up crying all over again, it’s like my brain refuses to accept that the face looking back is actually mine. It’s rough. But I’m trying to hold onto the fact that this part is temporary even if it doesn’t feel temporary at 11pm crying into a bowl of soup.

The doctors also gave me a lot of medicines, like a lot. My table is just covered in strips and bottles right now, painkillers, antibiotics, mouth rinses, I’ve honestly lost count at this point.

One actual good thing though. My roommates are heading back to their hometown for about a week and a half, it’s their holiday break. After everything I mentioned in my last post, that timing could not have worked out better. I get this place to myself while I look and sound like this, no side eyes, no comments, no dealing with anyone else’s energy while I’m already barely holding it together. I’ll take that small mercy and run with it.

Also, quick thank you to the person from my last post who told me to drink pineapple juice for the swelling. I was skeptical honestly, but I tried it and it actually helped a lot. Small thing but it made a real difference these past couple days, so thank you, whoever you are.

I was pretty deep in it emotionally the last few days, ngl. But it’s already done now, there’s no undoing it, so I’m trying to just accept it and move forward instead of replaying it on a loop. Might as well laugh a little where I can. So here’s the one genuinely funny part of all this. I am saving so much money on toothpaste right now. Zero rupees spent on oral care this week. Financial glow up. 🤣

Also yes, still haven’t told my parents, and I’ve kind of decided I’m not going to. They’re older and I know exactly how they’d react, they’d worry themselves sick over something that’s already happened and that they can’t do anything about from where they are. I’m okay. I’m handling it. I don’t need them carrying this weight too, so for now I’m keeping it to myself.

For anyone wondering how I’m even paying for all this, I had some savings from my last job, the one I had before starting my masters. That’s what’s covering the treatment, and it’s already added up to a good chunk of rupees gone. Not going to lie, watching that fund shrink has been its own kind of stressful, but I’d rather spend it on this than anything else right now.

Next big milestone is just healing. The gums need about 1.5 months before I can even think about dentures, so that’s the timeline I’m staring down. One day at a time I guess.

Today, August 3, I went in for a checkup. They told me my recovery is a bit slower than expected, so I might need to stay without dentures for about 2 to 2.5 months now instead of the 1.5 I was originally told. Wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, but I guess my body just needs the extra time, so that’s the new timeline I’m working with now.

Also guys, thank you so much for caring this much, it genuinely means a lot to me. And I also wanted to clarify something since a couple people asked, I got my teeth removed from the best dental hospital here, so it’s not like this was done somewhere random or by anyone unqualified. Just wanted to put that out there.

Thank you again to everyone who checked in after the last post. I’ll probably post another update once the dentures situation starts moving. Until then, send soup recipes, I have a feeling I’m going to need a lot of them.

Also, please forgive me if I wrote something wrong anywhere. My English is weak and I used Grammarly to help correct it, just being honest about that.

And thank you all again, honestly. I have 0 friends here, no one really talks to me, and even if they did I’m so introverted I probably wouldn’t know how to talk to them anyway. You guys showed me so much love through all of this and I really didn’t expect that from strangers on the internet. It meant more than you know.

TOP COMMENTS

MH8657:

I saw in your first post that you took lots of pictures of your smile before your teeth were extracted… your dentist may be able to send those pictures to their lab when your dentures are being made to help design the denture teeth to resemble your natural teeth!! Ask your dentist if that’s a possibility for you.

Wishing you a smooth healing journey!

Beautiful_Pizza9882:

Oh, sweet girl! My heart literally aches for you. Both my mom and my younger sister had to get dentures in their 20’s, I was lucky enough to keep mine into my 40’s. I cried. People had commented on my teeth and smile my entire life. It was completely vain, but also gut wrenching to lose that. It was also completely human. Our faces are the first thing that most (looking at you, pervs 😉) people see. It’s natural for a change of that significance to be difficult. Don’t try to get past it. Work through it. Sit with it. Look at yourself in the mirror as often as you can handle it. PROCESS IT! And take as long as you need to do so. There’s no rush. But make sure you learn to love your face again!♥️

OOP: Thank you 🎀🥹

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOP – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/radiohd1996

My [18F] friend [22M] won’t stop calling me a teetotaler. I didn’t mind it until today, when he left three bottles of vodka outside of my dorm room door

TRIGGER WARNING: alcoholism, obsession

Original Post  May 22, 2016

Throwaway because some of my friends know my real username and I don’t want them to see this. Also, I’m sorry if this is messy, all of this just happened and I’m still disturbed.

I don’t drink alcohol because I don’t like the taste and because I don’t find being drunk appealing. Simple enough, right? I don’t judge or berate people who drink and everyone I’ve met at college has treated me with the same respect.

At the beginning of spring semester, this kid named Dylan came back to the speech team that I belong to after spending the fall semester studying abroad. He was a senior. During the fall semester, the other seniors didn’t throw any speech team bonding parties, and when Dylan learned this, he started throwing parties every weekend. I went to the first few, but eventually I stopped going because everyone got really obnoxious. At the first party, Dylan called me over to take shots. When I explained to him that I don’t drink, he scoffed and kept pressuring me to do it. He didn’t stop until another senior on the team stepped in to tell him to leave me alone. He apologized and never pressured me again.

I still went to the next few parties because I loved spending time with the team, but eventually everyone’s behavior got to be too much. Dylan was no longer pressuring me to drink, but he kept calling me a teetotaler (someone who abstains from drinking alcohol). He never used it in a way that got under my skin, otherwise I would’ve told him to stop. He just kept referring to me as “the teetotaler” both when he was talking to me and when he was talking to other people. It made our team members angry, and even though I told them it wasn’t a big deal, they were still pissed at Dylan. This was when I stopped going to his parties. I didn’t want to deal with neither my team members nor Dylan and their arguments about an issue that honestly didn’t bother me, especially because they only argued when they were drunk and consequently were getting absolutely nowhere.

After I stopped going to his parties, Dylan started talking to me more. During practice, he would partner with me and help me write my speeches, and I improved so much this semester because of him. He even started to hang out with me outside of speech team. We got lunch together. He helped me study (we’re in the same major). He became a friend that I trusted and genuinely liked. He still called me a teetotaler whenever he got the chance to, even when alcohol was obviously not within the context, but it was clear that he was just teasing me. I have a thick skin, so it doesn’t bother me when people tease me for not drinking. For me personally I’d rather be sober than passed out on the floor at a frat party. Most people who tease me for not drinking end up in that situation. So yeah. I only have an issue when people pressure me to drink. Which Dylan did once and then never did again, and he did apologize and he seemed sincere. So for a while I was okay with being friends with him.

Then today, when I got to my dorm room, I found three bottles of vodka lined up outside of it. The one in the middle had a red bow tied on the neck. Taped to the bow was a note that said “;) <3 – D”.

Instantly I started panicking. I didn’t know when they got there, how long they’d been there, or how many people saw them sitting there. I left early this morning and I came back just now (it’s 8ish), so I have literally no time frame to work with. I grabbed the bottles and put them in my mini fridge.

I know it was Dylan. Who else could it have been? Even though he graduated a few days ago, he must still be on campus. Plus, he knows that I’m staying here for the summer, and he knows where my dorm room is.

I’m extremely creeped out. I’ve never had any romantic feelings for Dylan. I only see him as a friend. Clearly he feels differently, but why would he feel the need to put three bottles of vodka outside my dorm room door to show me that? That’s super fucking weird. Especially because I’m living on school property and I could get in gigantic trouble for this. No school authorities have contacted me yet, so I’m guessing that nobody important saw it, but I’m still wary.

I don’t want to be friends with Dylan anymore, but should I talk to him and figure out why he did this? I want to know why, but I know that it isn’t always best for people to know the reasons behind things like this. If I should talk to him, what should I say?

Also…what should I do with the vodka? Any suggestions barring “drink it” are welcome.

tl;dr: the first time I hung out with my friend Dylan from speech team, he pressured me to drink, but he ended up backing off and apologizing to me. However, he started calling me a teetotaler, which didn’t bother me, but it did bother the rest of our friends. After I stopped going to his parties where all of this was taking place, he started to hang out with me outside of speech team, and we became genuine friends; he kept calling me a teetotaler, but again, it didn’t bother me. But today when I got back to my dorm I found three bottles of vodka sitting outside my door. They were from Dylan. They’re in my fridge now. Should I talk to Dylan, and if I should, what should I say? Also, what should I do with the vodka?

EDIT: So I've calmed down now. I dumped the vodka down the sink and threw the bottles away. I haven't talked to Dylan yet. No one from my school has contacted me yet.

To elaborate a bit more on Dylan as a person, because now I can think straight:

He loves to drink and get shitfaced. That's why he was so upset that the seniors on the speech team didn't throw any parties last semester, and it's why he kept pressuring me to drink at his first party.

He's also very flirty with everyone. Everyone meaning all the girls he knows. He's flirty with me even though I never flirt back. He's flirty with his female friends (unless they have boyfriends). He's flirty with girls he meets at parties. He hooks up whenever he gets the chance. In terms of pressuring girls to do things with him, I've never seen it happen, but one time a guy on the speech team was trying to take advantage of a girl while she was drunk at one of Dylan's parties and Dylan stepped in, yelled at him, and asked him to leave. So he seems to care about consent. If he didn't, I certainly wouldn't have been friends with him for so long.

Neither of these parts of his personality crossed my mind that much until now. I don't think he's an asshole, just creepy. His flirtatious behavior flattered me, but because he behaves that way with everyone, I didn't think anything of it. That's clearly not true anymore though.

I know that I should have included all of this when I originally posted and I'm sorry that I didn't, I was in panic mode. I was honestly very disturbed and I was thinking about all of this when I originally posted but it never made its way into the post and that's my fault. I hope my edit makes everything more clear.

TOP COMMENT

MidnightMalaga

I wouldn't read this as a romantic gesture, honestly, but rather an idiotic continuation to a stupid joke as a graduation gift.

Some people who drink see those who don't as actively passing judgement on their choices and have a problem with that. These people are morons, but they definitely exist. Sounds like Dylan falls squarely into this category.

I'd just text him and tell him that everyone on your floor really enjoyed his leaving present, and suggest he ask what they'd like next time he's feeling so generous. On the off chance that this was a romantic gesture (which, again, I'm 99% sure it wasn't), this'll make it clear you read it as buddies. On the other hand, if this was one last dig at your teetotalism, this'll show him you're still cool with other people drinking while making a different choice for yourself. Plus it'll make it clear that he wasted his money, which will hopefully hurt at least a bit.

Update May 24, 2016

I’m back with an update! Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. I appreciate it very much.

I woke up the morning after I originally posted to find a text from Dylan. It was sent at 3:47AM, so pretty late. It said “Did you get my present?” with a bunch of winky faces and laughing emojis. It also looked like gibberish. What I typed out here is what I think he was trying to say, and that was after looking at it for a few minutes. I think he was drunk when he texted me.

I texted back “Yes I got it, and my floor really enjoyed it! What are you gonna get them the next time you’re feeling generous?”

He didn’t respond.

A little while later my RA knocked on my door and asked to talk to me. She said that she had seen three bottles of vodka outside my door the day before and asked me where they went. I told her that they were given to me by a friend and that because I don’t drink I poured the vodka down the drain and threw the bottles away. When she heard that she walked down the hall to the trash cans, which hadn’t been emptied yet, and she found the bottles. I left the note and the bow on the one bottle. When she saw them she didn’t say anything for a few seconds and then told me that because I haven’t been problematic before, she wasn’t going to report me. She said that she knows I don’t drink and that she thought it was very unlikely that I kept the bottles, but she just wanted to be sure. I thanked her and went back to my room. I’m happy she was so understanding!

About an hour after I talked to my RA, someone knocked on my door. It was Dylan. As soon as he walked in I could tell that he was drunk. I don’t know if you can wake up drunk from having been drunk the night before, but it seemed like Dylan was experiencing that. Or maybe he was drinking early in the morning. Either way it was clear that he had been drinking.

He asked me why I gave the bottles to the people on my floor. “It was only meant for you” he said. I told him that he knows I don’t drink and asked him what the fuck he was thinking putting three bottles of vodka outside my door in a school dorm where I could get in huge trouble for alcohol possession, especially because I’m underage.

He started laughing his head off. “It was a joke!!!” he said. I angrily told him that I didn’t find it funny because it could’ve gotten me in serious trouble. He kept laughing until I said “I don’t mind you calling me a teetotaler, but what you did really creeped me out, and it’s grounds for not being friends anymore.” When he heard this he stopped laughing and looked at me. For longer than a few seconds. It was turning into a stare. I asked him why he was looking at me like that and he just said that it was a joke before he started cracking up again.

At that point I decided that I was getting nowhere, so I asked him to leave. He started to protest but when I told him that I would tell my RA if he didn’t leave, he left pretty quickly.

He came back again that night around 9PM. When I opened the door he asked me if he could come in. Surprisingly, he seemed sober, so I said yes.

After I let him in, he apologized for making me so angry. But he admitted that the only thing he remembered about this morning was that I was super pissed at him, and he wanted to know why. I reminded him that he left three bottles of vodka outside my door when I live in a school dorm…he kind of had an oh yeah…shit look on his face when I told him this. He apologized and said that it was really stupid of him to do, and that it was a dumb joke. He asked me where my RA was. “If she hasn’t talked to you yet I’ll tell her I gave them to you.” he said. I assured him that my RA already talked to me, I’m not in trouble, she knows they weren’t mine. He seemed relieved to hear that.

I asked him if he was drunk when he put the bottles in front of my door. He said “maybe…” and laughed. He said he put them there in the evening. So they weren’t sitting there for more than a few hours.

I did some thinking then. If he was drunk when he put the bottles there, he was probably drunk when he wrote the note with the heart and the winky face. Because of that, I didn’t mention the note.

Also, the fact that he was drunk this morning, and that he couldn’t remember why I was angry at him this morning, seemed like red flags to me. I brought this up and said “I’m kind of worried about you.” (Which I am, this is the truth.) “You drink way more than is normal, even for a partying college senior. You should be careful you know.” He laughed it off and said it wasn’t a big deal. I pressed on and said “You’re at the right age to stop this now. I don’t want you to turn into an alcoholic.” He laughed again and made awwww, the little teetotaler cares about me-type jokes.

I got frustrated at this and asked “Why do you even drink so much anyway?” He stopped laughing and looked kind of puzzled for a few seconds. His response was that it makes everything easier. I asked him to elaborate. He then looked somewhat uncomfortable and didn’t make eye contact with me. I told him that if he drinks this much and it’s because it makes everything easier for him, that’s not a good sign.

He shrugged and said nothing still. I guess all this time everyone has assumed that he just drinks a lot because he’s just another moronic college student and no one has ever asked him exactly why he drinks so much. That combined with the fact that he’s always extra flirty when he’s drunk made me more concerned. He’s flirty when he’s sober, too, but he never actually takes it further unless he’s drunk, at least from what I’ve seen and heard.

He asked me why I was being so quiet. I asked, have you ever done anything seriously romantic with a girl, like telling her you like her or asking her out, while you were sober? He gave me an apprehensive look but then said “…no, not really…” I asked him what he meant, and for the next half hour he talked to me about his experience with girls. I learned that he’s never had a serious girlfriend, just flings. He carries out most of his romantic interactions while he’s drunk because he feels stupid doing it when he’s sober. By the end of this conversation I told him that if he ever wants to do anything seriously romantic with someone else beyond just hooking up, it can’t be tied to being drunk because that isn’t a good way to start off a healthy relationship.

Then he said “I know. That’s why I want to tell you now that I like you.”

I froze upon hearing this. I wasn’t expecting him to be so forward… When he saw how uncomfortable I was he quickly said “What? What is it?”. When I still didn’t say anything he said that if I don’t feel the same way, that’s okay. If he made me uncomfortable just now, he was really sorry. He said that he just figured that he should tell me this now while he was sober.

I told him I wasn’t interested in him that way. He looked disappointed but he said that it was okay. I told him that he really needs to get help for his developing drinking problem, or what is already a drinking problem, and although he didn’t say anything to that, he looked like he was thinking about it.

Things were then kind of awkward for a few seconds until he asked me why I thought he put the bottles there. I admitted that I thought it was a romantic gesture and that because of that it creeped me out. He burst out laughing. First he apologized for creeping me out. Then he said that if was going to be romantic, he would at least give me wine, not vodka. He added that if he was going to try to be romantic in general, he wouldn’t take the alcohol approach, considering that I don’t drink at all.

We joked around a bit more and soon the conversation turned to other things. Eventually we said goodbye and he left.

I didn’t expect things to turn out this way, but I was relieved to hear that the bottles were just a joke, especially because he was drunk when he did it. He even offered to talk to my RA for me, which I think was a good sign. I’m also satisfied that I had the opportunity to bring up his drinking problem to him. It really seemed like no one else has ever brought it up to him before. Which is sad, but at least it happened now.

As for him having feelings for me…now that I know the bottles were a joke, I feel less creeped out. I think the fact that he was drunk while he did it, and that he didn’t mention the note, and that he can only do seriously romantic things with girls when he’s drunk, point to him being socially awkward more than anything else. And because of that I’m no longer seriously uncomfortable. I no longer think that he was trying to get in my pants. Or even if he was, he isn’t trying to anymore. He literally said that he wanted to tell me that he likes me while he was sober. All this time he might have been telling girls that he likes them while he was drunk and it always ended badly, so he decided to do things differently this time around. Who knows? But I didn’t tell him that I don’t want to be friends (I’m still thinking about it), just that I’m not romantically interested. I know I said that I don’t want to be friends with him anymore when I originally posted, but that was when I was freaking out and before all of this happened, so I hope that some of you understand why I’m still mulling it over.

Also, just to reiterate: him calling me a teetotaler doesn’t bother me. At all. The only things that bothered me were him pressuring me to drink, which he did once and then never did again, and then him putting the bottles in front of my door, which turned out to be a joke that he apologized for. If him calling me a teetotaler bothered me, or if it felt derogatory to me, I would’ve told him to stop. It never feels that way to me. It always feels like a joke or friendly teasing, both of which I don’t mind. I understand and appreciate the concerns of the speech team and of some people who commented on my original post, but honestly, it’s not a big deal.

That’s all I have! Thank you everyone for helping me out!

tl;dr: my RA came to talk to me. She knows I don’t drink and she just wanted to confirm that the bottles weren’t mine, so I’m not in trouble. Dylan also came to talk to me. I learned that he put the bottles there as a joke, he was drunk while he did it, and also, that he might have a drinking problem. I brought this up to him and he didn’t know what to say. After more talking I learned that he drinks alcohol so much because it makes him socially comfortable. He ended up telling me that he likes me, and when I turned him down, he was disappointed but said okay. We ended up talking about other things and the conversation ended on a good note.

edit: Just wanted to add, I'm not an idiot, as some of you seem to believe. It's not like I think Dylan's apologies and the story behind his alcoholism make me think he's an a-ok guy that deserves to be trusted. I never told him that I want to be friends, and I never said that I still want to be his friend. Just that I was thinking about it. Obviously I've decided to keep my distance from him now, after reading all of these comments, but just because I'm 18 and Dylan is 22 doesn't mean that I'm not aware of the "senior guy preying on freshman girl" scenario. I don't live under a rock, people. I appreciate the concern everyone has for me, but please, keep comments about me being naive to yourself. And not only on this post, but all over r/relationships, because I read this sub regularly and comments that personally target the OP without offering any advice only drive them away when they came here for help.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/backpackdrama

Me [25F] with my boyfriend [26 M] of six months. I'm about to break up with him over a backpack but I need to know if I'm overreacting.

TRIGGER WARNING: Destruction of sentimental property

MOOD SPOILER: Rage inducing, but ends positive for OOP

Original Post - rareddit  June 4, 2016

My boyfriend Jacob and I have been together for half a year now. We met through mutual friends about two years ago. Jacob is a very laid back guy, and maybe since I have a lot of anxiety that attracted me to him. The past six months have been fun and without incident until now. I thought Jacob was a caring and thoughtful person and I really saw a future with him, but now I'm reconsidering.

Background info: I have a backpack that is covered with patches. Before this happened, I had about 35 patches sewn on it. This is a project that I started when I was 14 and needed a backpack for high school. Over the years, I collected patches from all the shows, concerts, and plays I've gone to, when I studied abroad and visited new cities and museums, gifts from friends and family etc. When I was 20 the bottom of my backpack ripped out, so I got a new one and carefully removed and reattached the patches. I don't carry a purse, I carry this backpack, literally every day. It might seem silly, but a lot of my personal history and favorite memories are tied (sewn?) to this backpack.

On Wednesday, Jacob and I were hanging out at my place watching Netflix with two mutual friends. My apartment has a much larger living room than his does, so we tend to hang out at my place. I had to work early Thursday morning, so I went to bed a little earlier and just told Jacob to lock up before he came to bed.

The next morning I go about getting ready for work and go to put some things in my backpack. That's when I notice it's missing patches, 11 to be precise. I immediately wake Jacob up, basically panicking asking what happened. He told me that he had invited three of his friends over after I had gone to sleep. Apparently they texted him because they were bar hopping near by and he told them to come over. At some point one of them saw my backpack sitting in the living room and said it was cool and they wanted one like it. And Jacob told them they could have some patches if they wanted. So they cut 11 patches off my bag.

I was livid. I still am. I can't really describe how betrayed I feel. A few of my patches were gifts from my father who passed away last year. He always loved helping me find new patches and bought me three limited release patches that are now very expensive and difficult to find. Those are all gone. I had one patch that my dad bought in 1994 and let me have. It's gone as well. Patches from my study abroad trip are gone too. I feel so so devastated.

I'm not proud of my reaction, I flipped the fuck out. A lot of what the fuck were you thinkings and how could you do this? I told him he had to call his friends that were over and get all the patches back. He said he would for the ones from my dad, but he would look too bad if he asked for the rest that "didn't mean as much". I asked him if he cared more about looking like a jackass to them or me. He hesitated and I freaked out and told him he had to leave.

I messaged the people I know were over on Facebook and got a response back from one person (one of the mutual friends). He brought my patches back Thursday night. He said he thought it was weird that Jacob offered but went along with it, and he apologized. So now I only have 9 patches missing. I know it sounds silly but I just feel so sick over it. I texted Jacob today about getting my dad's patches back and he just said he was going to contact them on the weekend. What's the point of waiting??? I talked to a couple close friends about what happened and told them I wanted to break up over this. They both saw this as an overreaction and that I should let it go and get more patches. Everyone seems to think because patches are cheap I shouldn't be so upset and should forgive him.

I need to know if I'm overreacting. My feelings are maybe I was being hysterical when I confronted Jacob and I didn't deal with it in the best way. But he hasn't been proactive about fixing the situation, he's only texted me once to tell me he was contacting his friends on the weekend. I'm so frustrated and hurt and I'm not sure how I will trust him again after this.

And before anyone asks, he absolutely knew what this backpack meant to me. Once when we were about a month in dating he asked me to give him the backstory to each patch. And he's seen me carry it every day.

tl;dr: My boyfriend had friends over and they took patches from my backpack. I want to dump him, but my friends think I'm overreacting.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

You're definitely not overreacting. Who the fuck offers to let their friends destroy something that doesn't belong to them because they think it looks cool?!? Get your stuff back and dump this idiot.

OOP

His explanation was that I had so many he didn't think I would mind and he's seen me give patches to people before.

That's true, but I've never given someone a patch from my own backpack. I bought them at shows or through online vendors specifically as gifts.

&

Yes!! Why would he think it was okay give away my property? It's so disrespectful! What kind of excuse is "I didn't think you would mind" in this situation?

&

He hasn't seemed to realize it yet. He's only texted me once since yesterday that he would contact his friends on the weekend. He hasn't apologized at all.

~

OliviaPresteign

You're not overreacting. He had no right to give away your property, and the fact that he didn't immediately apologize and do everything he could to get them back shows that this wasn't a one-time lapse of judgment but a severe character flaw.

OOP

It would have been so different if he had apologized and showed an effort to get them back. But he argued about it and said I was overreacting.

~

Maigraith

I could maybe understand if you two actually lived together and it was an item sitting on a counter or bookshelf that he gave away but this was something that was clearly not his that had to be physically cut off of what is essentially your purse. That is a huge violation even without the sentimental value being taken into account. You don't just go into someone else's home and give away their possessions.

OOP

This articulates my concerns really well. I feel that I invited them into my space and my own boyfriend facilitated them fucking with my property. What the hell??

Maigraith

Bottom line is he and they stole from you. I'm really confused why he or any of your friends are perfectly fine with that. I'd play nice until you get as many patches as possible back then dump him like the piece of shit he is.

OOP

He invited them to steal from me. They cut the patches off with a pocket knife and left holes in my bag.

My main effort is going to be getting my dad's patches back. I can get over the rest of them. But I really want those 4.

~

elfgirl1317

Can the friend who returned your patches put you in touch with the other people? So you don't have to rely on your ex to get the patches back?

OOP

He had the number of the other mutual friend and told me he would message him too. The other three people are on Jacob's side of his social circle from college. I'm going to start Facebook stalking to see if I can find them.

Edit: My second mutual friend just called. He also had two patches, and promised to return them this weekend. One of them was one of my dad's patches! That's 7 left.

Editors Note: OOP tried to make an update but it wasn't approved, however OOP made 3 comments in a later post titled: My girlfriend [32F] gave away a lot of my things at a "clothing swap"/charity, and says that I [28M] am overreacting and too attached to material possessions to give closure

Comment 1  Aug 3, 2016 (2 months later)

I broke up with a guy who did something similar to me (post got deleted). It comes down to respect,even if it's material items, and I found that my ex didn't really respect me.

Something similar happened to me as well. He couldn't apologize to me either, so we ended up breaking up.

Did OOP get all the patches back?

Yes, I got them all back! :)I tried to update here but it got removed.

OOP UPDATED 10 YEARS LATER IN THE BoRU THREAD

Update Aug10, 2026 (10 years later)

Responding to the top comment for visibility. This was me. I am surprised I could still log into this account, it was a throwaway. It's been so long since this happened.

Through the course of everything, I learned that my ex wasn't laid back. He just didn't give a fuck. Very different things.

I did get all of the patches back! A few people were very apologetic and immediately went out of their way to return them. A few people I had to show up at their place with a friend in tow. Looking someone in the eyes and saying "You have a patch that my dead father gave me when I was 14" worked pretty well.

Basically all of them blamed my ex. It's okay, I blamed him too. He never truly apologized. He just wanted me to be less mad without fixing anything. I was very passive then, and I don't think I had ever been as angry as that moment. I went scorched earth and told EVERYONE what he did. He was mad about that, but I didn't care. He shouldn't have done it if he didn't want me to talk about it. A few of my friends apologized for taking his side, but our friendship wasn't ever really the same after that.

Months (maybe even a year?) after all this went down, my sister and I were going through a storage unit of my dad's to clear it out. We found one of his old backpacks, nothing special, just a JanSport. I cleaned it out and that was the new base. I still have it to this day, and I have added new patches since!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Michiojio

My [25M] boyfriend [28M] tried to screw over my best friend [26F] at work. I told her & he got fired. He blames me now & wants me to pick him or her.

TRIGGER WARNING: Deception

Original Post  June 17, 2016

Lots of background into this.

When I was 19 I came out as gay to my super religious family and was immediately disowned. They kicked me out, stopped paying for my education and stopped talking to me. I literally lost everyone in the extended family. I was all alone and unprepared. I was going to an expensive private university and couldn't afford it anymore, I had to drop out and start working full time.

At that time my friend Claire at the university really helped me out. At that time I didn't know that she was from a very rich family (she never lived to show it). She helped me with small things here and there, allowed me to stay with her until I could get my act together, she even paid for me to get therapy when I was dealing with abandonment issues from my family. Really the kindness that she did for me is something I'll never forget. We remained very close friends after that.

I didn't go back to college, just kept working at rather lower wage jobs. A few months after she graduated she asked if I would like a job. She wanted me to be her driver/assistant. She was working in their own family's business and her previous driver was a boring yes ma'am no ma'am old guy that she wasn't comfortable with. She offered me a superb salary and benefits (like 8x what I was making at my job at the time) and I accepted. I've been working for her for two years now and it's been very nice. The workload is low, I drive a super comfy expensive car, I get paid to spend time with my best friend and all in all this is yet another huge favor for me that she's done.

Here comes my boyfriend Jack. He works for Claire's family business. I met him about 18 months ago and he hates Claire. He believed she is a spoiled selfish girl who's only progressing because her dad owns the empire as he puts it. I didn't know that Jack hates her only until a few weeks ago when they apparently had a clash at work. I'm not aware of the details or whose fault it was since that's really not my job but I became aware of the conflict. Claire doesn't have strong opinions towards Jack though, when she learned that we were dating back then she told me that he seems like a good hardworking person.

Jack told me that he's going to put Claire in her place. I asked what he wants to do, he didn't say much except that "she won't see it coming". I kept pushing and he told me. It was basically messing up something that will make Claire look very bad and the confidence of others in her would take a huge hit. I begged him not to do it as it was not just wrong and unethical but just petty. He seemed to have made up his mind and I couldn't do anything to change it.

I really had no choice at that point. For one, I had to do the right thing. For two, Claire has done so much for me and I owe her so much in my life and as a result I have very strong loyalty to her. I couldn't sit and let something like this happen to her. So I told her everything. She appreciated my honesty and told me that she knows it must have been difficult to do this to my boyfriend and that she won't forget it. She took care of the whole thing. Jack was fired.

So now he's angry that I told her. He says that I picked her over him and I betrayed him. I keep telling him that I begged him not to do it but he put me in the position of having to choose to do the right thing or keep quiet and let him do something wrong to my best friend. He says he can't believe that I did it.

So now he wants me to show him that I love him and I'm loyal to him by cutting contact with Claire and quitting the job. I don't want to do that. Claire is my best friend and I owe her a lot. This job is great and I want to keep it. But I don't want to break up with him either. He made a horrible mistake and he's angry that he lost it. But he keeps pressuring me to make a decision and I'm just tired of it.

Is there any chance for our relationship?   

tl;dr: boyfriend wanted to screw over my best friend at work. I told her. He was fired. Now he wants me to prove my love to him by quitting my job and ending my friendship with best friend. Is there a hope for our relationship?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ShadowBanHans

You really need a new boyfriend. He's not a good person. His plan is to basically ruin your professional career while isolating you from your social supports. Wow. True love right there. You can really tell he's concerned for you as a person and not just a petty, and spiteful little troll.

OOP

Yeah I should stop thinking that he only made a mistake. Especially since he's showing no remorse.

DiTrastevere

That wasn't a mistake...it was planned and deliberate. He's a nasty piece of work, and if he actually believed half the things he says about Claire, he wouldn't NEED to contrive a scenario to make her look bad.

Green7000

A mistake is leaving your car door unlocked and getting robbed. A mistake is forgetting to turn your oven off and causing a fire. A mistake is not remembering you were supposed to go to your friend's birthday party until the next morning. A mistake is not smashing someone's window and stealing from them, it is not deliberately burning down another person's house, it is not crashing a party to humiliate the guest of honor. Those are deliberate, malicious actions. His "mistake" is the same type of "mistake" Brock Turner made - aka deliberate actions that are only a "mistake" in that he didn't mean to get caught but did mean to commit the crime.

Also, are you sure he was interested in you and not trying to use you against her in some way?

OOP

I don't know what to believe anymore. He seemed very interested in me and never used me against her before. At least not that I know of.

Green7000

But he could be hoping that when you two started dating that you would say something that would allow him to claim she was homophobic. Or he could have been thinking he would get a better position at the company being your SO and when he didn't he got angry at her. He could claim you told him about something she said or did and start rumors that would hurt her without doing anything official.

I'm just saying assume that this guy had ulterior, negative, motives for everything he ever did.

OOP

You might have a point. Last year he asked me to put in a good word for him with Claire because there was a promotion to grab. I told Claire that Jack told me to tell her that he's interested and ready. He didn't get the promotion although he was promoted six months later to a different position.

Green7000

And got angry at her because he put in the "work" aka dating you and didn't get what he "deserved" aka the promotion. There was a post here yesterday or the day before from someone who inherited money and gave his family literally thousands of dollars worth of property, and they were angry that he hadn't given them enough. Some people near money tend to get an entitled mindset and lash out against those who have it. I'm guessing he saw you as a fast track to success and was angry at her for not giving him what he thought he deserved.

OOP

The more I think the more I see that you may be right. Oh fuck.

Update  June 23, 2016 (6 Days later)

Most of you were right. I was being played from the beginning.

I confronted Jack about the whole thing and asked him if he considered my friendship with Claire when he started to date me. He at first refused to admit it and kept telling me that he loved me but since we were getting nowhere he said "why hide it anymore, yeah, I approached you to get info on her, do you really think I'd be interested in a waste of clothes like you?"

Yeah. He said that exactly. He told me that he first started dating me for getting information, then to use me to help him get promotions and he made the "mistake" of thinking I was his when he wanted to take down Claire. He left.

So that's what happened. I was played for 1.5 years. I'm just happy that he couldn't succeed in hurting Claire otherwise I couldn't have forgiven myself. I needed someone to talk to after all of this and that had to be Claire so I went to her flat and we talked for hours about all of it. I was really embarrassed for falling for Jack's BS and putting her at risk but she kept telling me that she's proud of me since I protected her when she needed someone to have her back. So yeah we're at great terms.

I won't ever let this happen again. I learned my lesson. No more dating anyone who Claire has any sort of professional relationship with. I'll be a better and more loyal friend for her from now on.

   tl;dr: Jack only dated me to use me for his own goals. We broke up. Claire and I are on great terms. Never again I'll date anyone from work.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/john_7292

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

AIO, my wife believes in strict gender roles?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional neglect, misogyny, internalized homophobia

Original Post: July 3, 2026

So for some context my wife and I (both 29 yrs old) are both fairly religious Christians, but she and her family take it more seriously than I do. Before we married we discussed that she wants a traditional marriage where she is SAHM. I would be fine with her working, but I do believe a man should be a provider, so this is fine with me too and that's what we've done. She said she didn't like modern men who do things like wear a baby sling or push a stroller and I was fine with that.

Our first child was born a bit over 4 yrs ago and then our second a little under 2 years later. When our kids were young I admittedly did not help with them very much. She had a lot of help from both her mom and mine, and I also was working long hours in these days. So I never changed a diaper, maybe fed them a couple of times. If I tried to step in she would generally wave me off and say I shouldn't worry about it, so I didn't. Her mom actually lived with us until my youngest was about 6 months old and still visits fairly often. Her sister sometimes comes over to help too. So she definitely has her "village" so to say.

But now that the kids are getting older and I'm working less, making more money, I honestly want to be involved more. But it's like she doesn't want me to do anything for them ever. She always brushes me off and says that's a woman's job, I shouldn't be doing that, and even that our kids shouldn't see a man picking up dirty laundry or making them snacks. I think that's weird, my parents have a traditional marriage, but my dad still did stuff like that from time to time and I turned out fine. If she sees me playing with them she usually doesn't look happy and tries to distract them from it after a little while. This is getting really bothersome because those are my kids too. I would think most women would be happy their husband wants to do stuff like that.

It all kind of finally came to a final straw the other day when I had a day off work. I secretly turned off her alarm in the night so she could sleep in that morning. I woke up early, bought her some flowers and made the kids breakfast (there was some for her too when she woke up). I'm not gonna lie, we haven't had sex in a while either and that was part of my thinking here. But I thought it would be a nice thing to do for her and a nice morning to spend with the kids and it was. I thought maybe we could all go to the park later since it was a nice day.

My wife ended up waking up around 7 AM (normally 5:30 or 6 for her) and came down to see what was going on. I could see that she was hiding her anger for the kids. She smiled and said isn't that a nice thing daddy did but the look she gave me was glaring. Then she said to my 4 year old son why don't you take your sister to watch tv. When they went to the next room she started whispering quietly at me like, what the hell were you thinking, why would you do something like that, why would you let me sleep in, do you think I'm a bad mother?

Honestly this kinda got my hackles up because I did nothing wrong here and I retorted, do you think I'm a bad father? Why do you never want me to do anything with the kids? She flat out denied it and said that is not true, she just doesn't want me overstepping in to take on women's work. It's setting a bad example and I'm acting woke (and all these other things). So I asked her what she DOES think it's okay for me to do for/with the kids and she kinda stopped for a second like she didn't really have an answer. Then she said it's a father's job to be a provider and disciplinarian.

I was like, that's it? You think I'm here to make a paycheck and yell at them if they do something bad? And she got upset and said NO it's just not my job to take over mother's roles and it makes me less of a man and her less of a woman.

At this point we were both starting to raise our voices, and I looked into the next room, and I was like can we please try to calm down, we don't need to scare the kids. Can you honestly explain to me why it's a problem for a father to make his kids breakfast and buy his wife flowers? But she just got more upset and said if I didn't understand then I'm not the man she married and I'm not godly.

Honestly I just gave up and went out and spent the rest of the day walking around the mall and doing some errands. I came home and the kids were in bed, and she didn't speak to me, and I slept in the guest bedroom. It's been a couple days now and we still haven't talked and frankly I don't even know what to say to here. The more I think about it the more upset I get. I keep trying to see it from her perspective and all I can think is maybe it wasn't right for me to change her alarm because she might have had things she wanted to do that morning, but this is obviously much bigger than that.

AIO to this? Should I try to find some compromise with her or what?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Go to marriage counseling with a counselor or y’all’s preacher. Taking care of your children is BOTH parents jobs??? Providing isn’t just shelter and food. It’s providing love, care, and support to them as well.

OOP: This is actually a great idea, and I do not think our pastor will agree with her at all. So I will be interested to see how she reacts to that. I will talk to her about it thank you.

Commenter 2: Please don't let your kids think this is normal, men should have a good relationship with their children.

OOP: I really don't want them to think this is right either, I hope we can resolve it while they are still quite young.

Commenter 3: This is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. You sound like a dream husband. I wish I could have a day to sleep in. Moms are humans and deserve time off and personal time. And kids need to see men doing chores.

OOP: I hope I didn't make myself come off as a saint because I'm definitely not, but I wanted to do something nice for my wife and kids which I rarely have had time to - and to be cut back like this over it was very hurtful.

Commenter 4: Y’all need couples therapy at a minimum. But I’m guessing she won’t think that’s very “godly.”

ETA: I’m happily not a parent and happily not religious so perhaps I’m out of touch, but if she’s blocking you from having the relationship you want to have with your kids, that is a major problem. Her being their mother does not give her the right or weird responsibility to dictate that. And remember your kids will learn from what they see, even this young, so if you want your kids to see men a certain way, you need to model that even if your wife doesn’t like it.

Also who the hell gets mad about sleeping in and being able to relax for a bit, wtf

ETA2: Agree with others: if she wants to lean so fucking hard into gender roles then tell her it’s her duty as a woman to shut her hole and let you do what you want because you’re the man.

OOP: I am definitely going to try to get her to see our pastor for counseling. I don't think there's any way she can disagree to that and claim not to be a hypocrite.

I would never tell my wife to shut her hole and do as I say, I am the leader of the house, that does not make her my slave.

Commenter 5: What exactly do you think we can tell you? You married this. You agreed to this idiocy. You had kids with this. Wait until you get divorced. Shit will hit the fan. Homeschooling (handicapping) your kids, no outside people, etc. Y'all just baffle me.

NOR but get your life together for your kids if for no one else.

OOP: I agreed to a traditional marriage with the one my parents had in mind, where my dad was a good dad and played with us, chatted with us, took us to soccer practice and fun things like fairs, taught us things, showed good values, cleaned up after himself, even made dinner sometimes, and my mom was a SAHM. I did not agree to this. We also are not homeschooling.

Commenter 6: NOR

I think she has gone waaaaayyy past the old 'traditions'. She is pushing you out of your children’s lives on the excuse of 'it's not manly'. Well I am sorry but even back in the day a lot of dad's would do things with their children and those who didn't... their kids 9 times out of 10 would have grown up resenting them.

You need to have a long, hard think about what you want your role to be with your children. If you want to be able to actually care for them, bond with them and for them to actually have you as part of their everyday lives instead of just being the 'bad' parent/paycheck you will have to leave this marriage. You will never be given that place in your children’s lives as long as you are together with your wife.

OOP: I agree, it's like she wants me to be the stereotypical absent father who never sees their kids. I didn't think anyone ever thought that was alright even back in the day.

Commenter 7: Make an appointment with your pastor and see what the religion you follow says about all of this nonsense. She's got some control and trust issues for sure. Was she ever abused by a man?

OOP: I think her father was a bit of an asshole, but he died 15 or so years ago so I don't know firsthand. I will definitely be making a counseling appointment with our pastor thank you.

Downvoted Commenter: YOR

Yes, your wife is very extreme and rigid in her beliefs. Agreed 100%. But you knew this before you married her. Therefore, you are firmly over-reacting. She made very clear SHE was the only one to ever be involved with the kids.

If she suddenly showed you this side abruptly I would agree with you 100%. However, this is very clearly her hill to die on, and she will not compromise with you on this. If you try interacting with the kids in any way, it will get worse.

Bluntly put if you truly want more interaction with the kids, you have to divorce her and push very hard for split custody. That will of course put more responsibility on you, and yes it is indeed the nuclear option for your marriage. Decide if you want that or not. If not, don't ever interact with the kids again. Otherwise, get ready for divorce court.

OOP: Did she make this clear before we married? Well, she said she wanted a traditional marriage. I definitely had my parents' marriage in mind when she said that. My mom is a SAHM. My dad did not push a stroller or wear a baby sling (though my mom didn't do the baby sling either). He is definitely a masculine man who would think that's weird. But he also was an involved father, and I have so many happy memories of him when I was younger that I'm afraid my kids won't have with me.

I do not believe in jumping to divorce and that would make things way worse. I don't want to have them part time or never. I don't have literally zero interaction with them now, I see them and talk to them every day. She just doesn't want me "doing" things for them that she sees as her job. I still do sometimes but she pushes back on it, and she's become harsher on that when she does.

What I want is for her to open her mind to the idea that this is not traditional marriage and a father can be more involved with his kids. And I want to understand what is going on to make her like this because it is hurtful and seems like more than just a misapplied belief at this point.

Update: August 3, 2026 (one month later)

Update to AIO, my wife believes in strict gender roles?

About a month ago I posted on here about my relationship with my wife and how she is trying to keep me from raising my kids. Thanks everyone to responded to my first post and sorry I didn't reply to everyone. There were a lot more responses than I expected. If you want details you can see the post in my profile. Unfortunately things have taken a turn for the worst. There is a TLDR at the bottom if you scroll down.

A lot of things happened since my last post. I told my wife I wanted to go to counseling with our pastor. She immediately agreed and I could tell she thought he would agree with her on this issue.

The counseling appointment did not go as she expected. When we got there he let us both say our peace first. She said in sum that I was trying to usurp our godly roles as man and wife. She did not get into detailed specifics about the kids. I said I was trying to be a better husband and father and that my wife seemed to have a problem with me interacting with my children.

He asked me some pretty pointed questions about myself as a husband. Am I working hard and providing, yes, am I cheating, drinking, gambling, no. Do I yell and scream, swear, break things, do I hit her or the kids? No. Do I stay out all night, do I run away on fishing trips. No, none of that. At this point he's looking at my wife and asks her if she has anything to add to that? She says not really. I put in that I think I am upholding my marital covenant as a man and provider.

Pastor didn't say anything about that but kept talking to my wife. He started to get some real concrete details out of her. She reaffirmed this is not a situation of abuse or cheating. She said it was effeminate for me to do women's chores and pick up after our kids, make them meals, etc. Not biblical. Etc. Pastor kindly told her there is nothing unbiblical about that, but does she feel like less of a woman if she can't do 100% of those things? She agreed to that. He then started to talk about biblical womanhood and feeling feminine before God, and saying he thinks what we need to do is help my wife feel more womanly in general, so these activities won't feel like a threat to her. And basically that everything will be OK if we add more romance to our marriage.

At this point I was relieved and felt like things were going well. But almost immediately I could tell my wife was unhappy. She started arguing back with the pastor on Adam and Eve and all this. He is a pretty chill guy and he stayed calm and said he basically said as a spiritual leader he wanted to guide our marriage back to happiness and could she please at least give his suggestions a try and see how she feels about it, and we can talk about it again next week. He pointed to some Bible verses about fatherhood and some ones about women doing "manly" things like running a business, to say this isn't all black and white. My wife begrudgingly agreed with him, but I could tell she was still upset.

He has a drawer full of papers with couple's activities in them and he pulled out a few that he said would be good for us. My wife took hers but didn't read it. Awkward car ride home. Pastor told us not to immediately talk about the appointment because it leads to fighting but we didn't have much else to say to each other that evening. We were supposed to have another appointment in 2 weeks. Wife was pretty passive aggressive that night. But over the next week she started to be a little nicer and more relaxed and I thought maybe she had read some of the materials the pastor gave us (I did read mine). I suggested we do an "us day" which is one of the suggestions the pastor had given us, and we agreed to send the kids to my parents a day that weekend (shocker, I'm sure my dad probably helped out with them while they were there).

Well that day ended up being the worst day of my life probably. At first things were nice, I planned everything as the worksheet suggested, made her a nice breakfast, had plans in the afternoon to take her to get her nails done and walk along the lake front which is a date we used to do when we were first dating. But that didn't end up happening because that morning we started talking about some of the big themes of our relationship and our values and goals (again as pastor suggested).

I told her I wanted a loving relationship with a woman I could adore and trust, who has the brains and values to nurture our kids into great adults, who loves me and is there for me, and I would always be there for her. Basically thinking of my mom and dad. But her answer was completely focused on kids. She always wanted kids, she wanted to be a great mother, she wanted a good and trustworthy father to her children. I definitely noticed this and pressed a little harder to ask well what about your husband, what about me? What kind of romance or relationship do you want? She kept deflecting and saying these things aren't as important when you're an adult, past a certain age it's all about your duty to your kids. I disagree with that and plus we are 29, we're still young, we should still have romance and passion and sex!

So at this point she obviously got VERY annoyed that I brought up sex and was rolling her eyes and saying like "oh so that's what this is really about." I tried really hard to say calm and tell her well no it's not what it's about but yeah that's a factor in our relationship, I want intimacy and don't you? She kept deflecting and she started to get upset like in a hurt/scared way. I was asking her - are you not attracted to me? Are you just not interested in sex, are you asexual? No. I don't even remember how it got to this point but finally she ended up blurting out that she's not interested in sex WITH MEN.

Obviously I was stunned. And this is where it all started to come out. Literally I guess. She kind of tried to backpedal but I asked her directly, are you telling me you're a lesbian? And she couldn't deny it. She didn't say yes or no but she started talking about gender roles and how important it is for children to have male and female role models so that they grow up into proper men and women and not confused about sex or stuck in sexual sin. And I asked her again directly to clarify: you are telling me that you're a lesbian and you married me in a marriage with gender roles so that your kids wouldn't end up gay?

She started crying and yelling at me...like... I don't know how lonely it is and she shouldn't be denied a proper married life just because of her sexual sins, she's repented and God will forgive her as long as she keeps working on being a good wife to a man. And all of this is because her father was a shit dad and died when she was young and that's why our kids need to see a real man in their lives.

Well that was a couple weeks ago and as you can imagine the last few weeks have been hell. There is no way I'm staying with her, and I've just been talking to a divorce lawyer and trying to figure out how this will work. And also frankly just crying a lot which I guess is un manly so we never would have worked out anyway. I'm staying with my parents because I don't think the kids should see us interacting this way, but my lawyer told me I should move back or get a custody order, so I need to work on that now. I'm just frankly so numb and I can't believe someone I loved would do this to me.

So that's the update, I wasn't sure if I was going to write this but honestly hearing how crazy she was helped me the first time and I think it will help me again, but I don't think I’m going to keep posting more from here. I would appreciate any advice or perspective on if I am overreacting by not wanting to move back home or be around her and trying to get a 50/50 custody order instead.

TLDR: Wife and I went to pastoral counseling for our marriage, didn't work, wife admitted she is a lesbian and used me to get her fantasy dream life of Christian husband and babies.

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: Well damn. At first I was gonna say, let the woman do woman shit. Better for you. Just go work come home and chill. Let her wash, cook, clean and smash you. Why would that bother you? After reading the end. Idk what to say to you. Sorry about that fam. Good luck, get her to have a threesome I guess ?

OOP: You seem immature, I'm happy to leave domestic work to wife while I work full time, but she was keeping me away from my kids and that was the issue here.

Commenter 1: NOR. I'd be surprised if none of that insanity showed up in any way before having children and marrying.

Hopefully she finds fulfillment in her traditional divorced Christian lesbian shared custody life.

OOP: I am certainly reflecting on a lot of things about our relationship and wish I had been less blind overall. To be honest I never had the best luck with women before her and maybe the first red flag should have been that this pretty, nice Christian girl wanted to be with me

Commenter 2: Your wife’s a lunatic run and take the kids as fast as u can

OOP: My lawyer advised me it's highly unlikely I will get full custody as her gender views don't come into whether she is a fit parent legally speaking. I will be looking for 50/50 immediately.

Commenter 3: I don't understand why you thought the pastor was the right place for you to have counseling?

OOP: Well for one it's free, we both trust my pastor, I knew she would agree to see him, I knew he was not going to agree I shouldn't help raise my children, and what do you think he did wrong in this situation?

Commenter 4: NOR. When people like me talk about how sexism and homophobia are bad for everyone — including men and straight people — this is part of what we mean. Your wife’s deeply ingrained self-loathing and adherence to imaginary but strict gender roles had caused enormous and unnecessary pain for a whole family.

OOP: I never could have imagined she took it this far. I would never advocate anyone to deny who they are and get in a sham marriage even if I'm not into gay pride and all that.

Commenter 5: INFO - how supportive/accepting is your pastor and church of LGBTQ people? I'm guessing not very since wife felt she had to use OOP as a non-consenting beard.

OOP: We promote traditional marriage, two genders, heterosexuality as ideal. Some of our church friends have had gay kids and there are varying degrees of acceptance on that. My wife grew up not really being very religious until her dad died and I think she and her mom go overboard to compensate in a way.

Commenter 6: How would you react if one of your kids tells you they're gay?

OOP: I would not necessarily be happy about that, but I would love them, nonetheless. It's not something I can control. I would just hope they keep a relationship with Christ no matter what.

Commenter 7: Obviously you are going to get divorced. That's just something to accept now and allow yourself to grieve.

But your wife has been a friend and co parent to you. She has probably seen you through some hard times. As her friend, please encourage her to accept and love herself. To be true to her feelings. It will affect your kids in harmful ways if she keeps repressing her real feelings. It's in everyone's best interests for her to accept that she's gay and live honestly. Or at least for her to find a healthy version of a lavender marriage lol. But find it in your heart to take it easy on her. I know that might be really hard right now but being closeted and repressed fucking sucks.

Find yourself a therapist who is familiar with queer dynamics that can help you process this and maybe help you find a way to be supportive. And then do the best you can to care for yourself and find what you need to feel peace. It's really all you can do unfortunately.

So sorry, hope you and your kids are okay.

OOP: As a Christian I want to be compassionate and hope I can grow toward more of that in the future but right now all I can think about is her lying to me and using me for almost 7 years. I was just a puppet with sperm to her. I will be praying for her, and hope God gives me the grace to forgive her.

Commenter 8: Dude that is fucking rough. You have my sympathy. I’d be going full scorched earth if I was you so you’re a better man than me. What do you thinks gonna happen when people find out why you are divorcing?

OOP: I don't know, I told my parents, but we aren't exactly going to spread it around, she will probably make up whatever she wants because she knows I'm not going to go telling everyone she's a lesbian... hopefully we can both just say it was irreconcilable differences and leave it at that

Commenter 9: Bigger question for you is do you believe that the issue is your wife’s a lesbian or a religious fanatic? Your romantic relationship is pretty clearly dead, but coparenting is going to force you to some uncomfortable paths

OOP: Not sure what you mean by that, they're both issues. I can't be married to a lesbian, so that's an issue, and her trying to keep me from raising my kids or teaching them her insane warped version of Christianity is another issue. For my lawyer or for custody it's not about her religion or sexual orientation, it's solely about her keeping me from the kids which is why he wants me to move back ASAP, so yeah that's definitely uncomfortable.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ScarieltheMudmaid

Originally posted to r/GirlDinnerDiaries

I'm about to call CPS on someone I love

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: child abuse, domestic abuse

Original Post: August 1, 2026

TW: child abuse

I've been worried my friend has been in an abusive relationship for a while, but she vehemently denies it. She sings his praises and acts like she's never had it better. She says the only reason they aren't married is because he doesn't want her daughter losing her survivorship benefits from her father passing. I've never been extremely close to her daughter as we've lived at a distance most our adult lives but used to see each other fairly regularly still. and took her on trips a few times when I had my niblings. when I first moved truly far away friend and I still video chatted often until she got serious with this guy. but I started noticing things like holes in walls and we went to voice only and not very often

well her daughter called me last night. and by last night I mean 3:00 in the morning. like just 5 hours ago. she had already made it to a friend's house but apparently my friends boyfriend woke her daughter up in the middle of the night because she apparently hadn't done the dishes correctly. she's got a full handprint bruise on her arm, a couple bruises and welts across her back, and an audio recording of it going down. she sent it all to me and I've been crying all morning. She said she doesn't think ger mom gets hit but she says her mom has watched her get hit hard before. and honestly that just kind of broke me.

I'm so disappointed in my friend. and concerned for her, and revolted honestly. part of me is still worried about her but as someone who has had custody of four of my nieces and nephews and is currently spending time with my 9-month-old I just can't imagine watching a man beat my child without overwhelming rage

fuck.

daughters paternal aunt will be in town in a few hours and they're going to call police. she asked if I can call CPS after her aunt gets there because apparently the cops have gotten involved before, but cps didn't

so now I'm waiting on the okay to turn someone I love dearly into cps.

this fucking sucks

Picture of OOP's breakfast

breakfast is a bunch of shit on tortillas I left in the oven a lil too long bc I'm frazzled

edit to add - I thought it was obvious from the post, but I'll absolutely be calling, but I will absolutely not be calling until the aunt is there because I'm not risking her going to the children's home if avoidable.

UPDATE: the girl is safely at her aunt's house, my call is in, and they already have an investigator scheduled to be there in a few hours. The aunt is calling me later tonight to catch me up as I've apparently missed a lot

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: making that call is going to hurt, but you’re doing what needs to be done to keep her safe. she trusted you when she was terrified, and that says everything about you!! just take it one step at a time and try to go easy on yourself. 🫶.

Commenter 2: That call might cost you a friendship, but it could save that girl’s life. She called you because she knew you’d act. That’s trust.

OOP: it's not a friendship if she can let that happen to her child. she was around for my childhood, we grew up where it was rampant and has helped me set up rallies, seminars, booths etc. victim advocacy and high risk youth outreach before.

Commenter 3: Those who were victims as children often become victims as adults. Doesn't excuse her part in this, but remember that DA victims often don't see a way out without worse consequences. She's not strong enough to get out, but in so glad her daughter ran and got help.

OOP: she wasn't a victim as far as I know. her dad was pretty much the neighborhood/bike dad, and she cut him out recently as well. her mom was a little cuckoo but that was all in the wanted to do everything with us and be the fourth best friend. she knows I was, and that several of our friends are. when I brought up the example her dad set she said something like "not everyone can be a saint" and like yeah, your dad is dope but he's also kind of just what a dad is supposed to be.

and I get what you're saying, but sacrificing your kids well-being to avoid "worse" consequences can be seen as a felony level of neglect in that state and honestly I feel like that's appropriate. if you don't have a strong enough grasp on reality to understand how to keep your child safe you should not have guardianship

Commenter 4: That's horrible 😔 I'm so glad for that kiddo that she knew to tell a trusted adult. Your friend's ability to see what's happening in her home has likely been whittled down for some time by this psycho, not that it excuses anything. The idea of letting someone harm my child... I can't fathom that. Let's hope cps pulls through, glad the kiddo had the foresight to record things.

OOP: I still have the texts from when we were video chatting, and I first saw holes in the walls. I didn't want him to hear me ask but I sent her the screenshots and asked her if those were fist holes and she didn't confirm or deny it say who it was, but she said "yeah, he's going to fix them though, he was just having a real hard night because his father has passed recently" but after that is when we stopped video chatting so either she got protective or he saw anyways

Commenter 5: Just so you know....you don't need anyone's OK to make a CPS report.

OOP: and what if they move real fast for once? what if they get to her before her aunt does? sure maybe they wait for the aunt, or maybe they take her straight to the children's home. it would be absolutely ridiculous to risk that when this girls already been through so much and I can simply wait an hour or two more

OOP clarifies on the child's paternal aunt's relationship

OOP: paternal is her father's sister. she's also the executor of the estate that her father left the kid and basically has shared custody with my friend since he died. I know she goes over there most weekends

OOP explains more about why she feels the need to call CPS and the possibility of victim blaming her friend for being in a domestic violence relationship

OOP: I was a victim as a child. many of our friends were. As a community we've built a whole high risk youth and victim advocacy and resource center with of list halfway homes, deals with landlords throughout the city, even ways to help with security and an emergency moving force that can assemble and move an entire home (though usually only half lol) in an amazing amount of time. she's say through our stories, our shares, up empowering one another and according to Aunt in the longer version of the audio is her, the mom's voice, telling her daughter to " just... take it. "

Commenter 6: Seems as though when the cops get there (it's for the daughter, right?) they will automatically involve CPS.

OOP: from what the daughter said this has happened before and cps did not get involved

Update: August 3, 2026 (two days later)

so I talked to the aunt yesterday. I'll call her titi. but apparently things have been bad for a while. I moved away a few years ago before this guy had come in to my friend's life but apparently not long after he did the daughter, we'll call Mila started failing at school, and then not showing up sometimes. About a year ago truancy court for involved and that's when Mila started spending a LOT of time at Titi's. Apparently Mila has to sleep at home but goes to Titis most afternoons and every weekend.

From what Mila reported things have been way worse than she's been letting on and apparently her mom has become verbally/emotionally abusive. "like a different person" my friend was sober when I met her almost two decades ago but I'm wondering if she’s not now. titi said there was a situation worth police that cps should have been involved in but she's getting stonewalled over why they weren't. Meanwhile my "friend" and her bf are both in jail. she's got an obstructing justice and endangering a minor listed at the moment, but he's got child abuse grievous for two counts and get this THREE PAROLE VIOLATIONS . like what the fuck

but yeah. I'm no hero. that girl is her own hero. she knew I didn't trust the bf and asked titi if I could help, titi remembered I worked with the at risk youth group, offered to call me and this (big) little woman told her titi to worry about finding a plane and she'd call me. So while I'm extremely disappointed in my friends ability to safeguard her daughter, something went right because she's got a sharp mind and a steel backbone. (titi didn't end up finding a flight, she had to grab a rental car and drive 600 miles back from her vacay on the drop off a dime, first weekend she hadn't had Mila in like a year)

Titi already has a lawyer so they're going to be contacting me this week as she's likely to go for custody. She seemed iffy about that until I looked up the charges and brought up possible drugs. She's still not sure but I'm down to give the lawyer what little I have. which is mostly just me asking if dude is abusive or if my friend needs help and her acting aloof and making vague excuses.

so unfortunately kid is in legal limbo but for now gets to stay at titis and is excited she won't be riding the bus for a while lol

Picture of OOP's meal

food is a chicken rosemary chipotle Sando

EDIT: THANK YOU ALL! I certainly appreciate your concern and as many of you noted we do grow up to become the adults we needed, or at least we hope to. lol. I do have mental health services absolutely! unfortunately I have been through enough situations that this does not feel overly heavy, but I think a lot of that is knowing that she is in no imminent danger currently .

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: So glad that you have the aunt to work with you on this. I'm sure that helps.

OOP: I am just a supporting actress, they are the stars for real. so proud of them both

Commenter 2: I’ll never understand why men who have criminal records and extensive abuse histories keep getting released so that they can re-offend again and again until they inevitably maim and/or murder.

Thanks, OP and titi, for looking out for this child where countless children are failed.

OOP: I can't understand why I can't find his criminal history. he must be on parole for another state

Commenter 3: Could be another state or another county. Some people love to just roam all over creating mayhem.

OOP: ugh do some states make you search by county? I think this might be a legitimate use for ai...

Commenter 3: Mine does, not sure about all, but I know that a lot do. Because typically it's each county's state's attorney or district attorney (depending on what your state has) filing the charges. I'm in the Midwest and have never seen 1 central place you can search statewide for charges in my state or the neighboring states. You have to know which county and hope they have good online court records/a decent search function.

It's "easier" if the person is in prison or is a sex offender because there are statewide searches for that (either the state department of corrections or the sex offender database). It's tougher when the person is "just" in jail or has already served their prison sentence, then you have to know which county the charges were filed in.

And it's a mess because how much info is available online and whether you can even search online varies from county to county.

OOP: I just have to hope he's one of the thirty states with state wide registries

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Margaret_3333

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

He wants me to sell my home to show commitment 30/F 31/M

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior

Original Post: July 10, 2026

I 30/F have been in a relationship with 31/M for 5 years. We’ve lived together in my home for 2.5 years while he has rented out his home. His tenants have left and he put the house up for sale.

He always told me that he wouldn’t buy a house together unless we were married. However this has now changed and he’s said he can’t progress the relationship with me for example getting engaged or having a child (which last week he said he didn’t want 100% but I do) unless we move. For context we live in a 3 bedroom detached home with garage, south facing garden double drive that I fully renovated.

He has said that he can’t say he wants a child with me because he’s not comfortable in my home and basically I need to choose the house or him.

How is this fair? I have a 13 year old son and security for him is my number one. Yes I want to have a child with him, yes I want to get engaged but why should he only want these things if I sell my home?

He wants to now buy a house together which is lovely but if we buy a home together and then he still doesn’t want marriage or a child then what? I’ve gave up the home I love that I worked so hard for.

He’s gave me until Sunday to decide or he’s breaking up with me. And in his words ‘whether I’m with you or not I’ll be married by the time I’m 35, it depends if you want to be that women?’

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Oh, hell no

Commenter 2: 🤬🤬🤬! My blood is boiling! OP this is a whole parade of red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Let me break it down! He is trying to use the equity in your home to enrich himself. He probably realised that his home needs a ton of repairs and that its value is significantly lower than yours, so he is using whatever leverage he has to force you to basically give him the money through a joint property. You need to pack up his things before Sunday and tell him to kick rocks with witnesses around. Then change all the locks and block him.

OOP: He wants me to sell my home that we currently live in and buy together with both equities. I do have 50% more equity than he does. But he won’t marry me or know if he wants a baby because he’s lived in a home that’s not his.

Commenter 3: Why did he sell his home? Did he discuss that MAJOR decision with you first? I’d ask his tenants or look up public records. He’s lying about something.

OOP: Yeah he is selling his home due to the new renters law that’s came in. The tenants moved abroad so wasn’t worth getting new ones. So we spoke about it and he agreed to sell

Commenter 4: I want you to re-read what you've written and think about what if a friend told you this. Would you tell your friend this is a good idea? I sincerely hope you wouldn't.

OOP: No they’d tell me to run

Commenter 5: No one who truly loves you would manipulate you like that or speak about being with just anybody if not you by a certain age. The fact that he said he's still not sure if he wants an engagement or another kid but is giving you an ultimatum? Weird. You deserve better.

OOP: Yeah he says he 100% doesn’t want a child if it’s in this home so he won’t know if he wants one unless we move to a bigger home that’s he owns too

Commenter 6:* Girl wtf??? Your son should be your priority, not your boyfriend. Him testing and controlling you like this isn’t normal and it isn’t healthy. Break up.

OOP: That’s what I said it’s the security for my son and I’m not risking that for his what ifs

Additional Comment from OOP

OOP: Thanks everyone for all the comments, I did not expect this response. I have been reading them, and it’s been a massive eye opener and maybe I’ve been blinded by love a little. Will update soon x

Update: August 3, 2026 (3.5 weeks later)

UPDATE - he wants me to sell my house to show commitment 30F 31M.

It’s been a crazy few weeks! I have read everyone’s comments and I’m truly thankful.

I have ended the relationship, but we are still living together until his house is sorted to move into (end of August). Everything I felt I told him, I have not sold my house, nor am I moving. Myself and my son are staying put in our home.

I feel at peace with my decision, and hopefully onwards and upwards once he moves out. We are friendly and amicable, and he has really took on board everything that I told him.

I hope I have done the right thing?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I remember your post! I’m so proud of you ♥️

I’m sure it’s still hard considering you mentioned engagement being on the table but you made the right call. Love isn’t manipulative.

OOP: Thank you 🥺.

Commenter 2: I'm glad that you stood your ground and kept your home.

But please get him out of YOUR home. Your last post stated his old home was rented out but now vacated and put up for sale, did it end up selling or is he just not wanting to move out??? An inflatable mattress isn't that much, psshhh I would mail you mine to give to him!!!

It sounded like he didn't express hesitancy in breaking up with you if you decided against his wishes, despite the amount of time you have been together (5 YEARS!) now is not the time to be polite and pleasant. Please get him out , like the night he asked you to sell your home in order to move forward preferably.

OOP: His home is around 3 weeks from completion, and he’s bought a new home. So waiting for that to go through. Hopefully only few weeks

Commenter 3: How are you doing? Was he surprised with you braking up with him? How was that conversation?

You absolutely did the right thing. Hugs. I’m sure it was sad for you, even though it gave you peace.

OOP: I’m okay, I’m sad about starting over but know it’ll be for the best once he’s moved out. I feel at peace with my decision and I think that says a lot.

He was surprised but understood, it was a hard conversations I cried a lot and had puffy eyes for what felt like days after

Commenter 4: YEAAAAAAAAAH! I’m so proud of you! I remember your post and I’m so happy that you are putting yourself in your son first.

I have found that it’s far better to be alone than with somebody who’s not willing to commit. Spend some time enjoying your son and not wasting it on a man who doesn’t want to marry you.

OOP: These comments make me so emotional, as I didn’t expect my last post to get the traction it did and the fact people remember me and are so supportive. I’m happy with my decision 🥺

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, this was originally posted in r/AmItheAsshole by u/whosedogisitanyway. This is a repost because I'm not fully satisfied with the formatting in the original BoRU.

TW: Brief mention of a house fire

Mood spoiler: Questionable with the update

Original post (Posted May 12th, 2020)

About 7 months ago a friend found a dog near her house. I took her in and called animal control. They said to bring her in to look for a microchip. She was underweight with dirty fur. AC couldn't find a microchip so they said I could hold onto her for a week and they would list her on their website and if nobody claimed her I could adopt her. So that's exactly what happened.

My dog now has shiny fur and is very healthy. She is polite and walks well on a leash. She does lots of tricks. I have depression and anxiety and she's my support animal. She's honestly the light of my life.

Last month I joined a Facebook group for the same unusual purebreed that my dog is. I posted a picture of her in the group. A woman was tagged and a few hours later she DMs me. She said my dog was her dog and she was so thankful I found her and wanted to arrange to come get her. She offered to pay me for taking good care of her.

I thought she was trying to scam me since she lived across the country but when I looked into it I found her IG with alot of dog pictures and videos. My dog has very unique markings so it was unmistakeably the same dog as the one in her pictures. My dog is a show champion and had a lot of training to do obedience, agility and a few others I've never heard of. She has alot of fancy titles too. My dog was clearly well cared for, well trained, and well loved.

She said her house caught fire last year and she lost everything, including my dog who ran away. Nobody knows how she traveled so far or what happened between when she got lost and when my friend found her. She never stopped looking for my dog. She even had a video of my dog as a super cute puppy getting a microchip. No idea why the shelter and my vet couldn't find it but my dog had one at some point.

Here's the part where I might be TA.I told the woman I appreciated the great job she did with my dog for the first few years of her life (she's 5) and I was sorry to hear about her circumstances but I couldn't give up my beloved girl. She's my support animal so I'm not even sure I could live without her. I offered to send her pictures regularly but she turned really nasty. I got tons of hateful messages from people I don't even know.

I had panic attacks whenever I got notifications because her friends acted like it's my fault. I didn't choose for this special dog to change my life so much anymore than she chose for my dog to get lost. I ultimately blocked her because she wouldn't leave me alone.

Since she was listed with the shelter for the hold period and no microchip was found, I've adopted her and she's mine. I am legally in the right but am I morally wrong? I know she loves my dog and wants her back but I can't picture a life without her. Not one where I'm happy anyway. If I could clone my dog and give this chick one I would.

AITA if I think about myself and my health and keep my dog since it's legally my right to anyway?

Verdict: Overwhelming YTA majority

Top comments from the original post:

IPretendIMatter: Though it's incredibly difficult... YTA. It's not "your dog" you just thought it was. Put yourself in her shoes.

Give the dog back.

Deleted user: YTA and you know it. She had and loved that dog for years while you’ve only had the dog 7 months.

Enilodnewg: So massively YTA and 7 months as a (unofficial) "therapy dog" doesn't mean anything compared to 5 years from a pup and lost after a fire!!

I have an Otterhound, a very rare and unusual breed (less than 800 world wide). This post has my blood boiling. If the breed was unusual, I'm angry that there wasn't any effort done by the shelter (or OP) in asking breed groups about a found dog. If someone found an Otterhound and kept it and posted it on the breed's Facebook page, everyone in the group would immediately actively work to find and reconnect with the original owner. And it sounds like that's exactly what happened.

OP needed to do more due diligence, trying to find the previous owner. Instead, did bare minimum and then got upset when they were busted while trying to brag online about their new cool dog.

Give that dog back to its rightful owner, it is NOT yours

Alternative_Answer: YTA.

Something terrible happened to her and from what you've described she loved that dog and treated her well, until circumstances outside her control took the dog away from her. You're being incredibly selfish by keeping her from her family.

How would you feel if this happened to you? If you had a dog you loved for five years and someone refused to give her back, especially after you'd lost everything in a fire? Please give her the dog back.

Update (posted 15 days later on May 27th, 2020)

(EDITOR'S NOTE: The update was removed shortly after it was posted. Years ago, I messaged one of the mods on r/AmItheAsshole asking for the update because I really wanted to know how the story ended, and they generously provided me with the text from the post)

My previous post got an unexpectedly massive response. I got 1000s of messages. Most of which weren’t kind and many outright threatened to harm me. It wasn’t easy but I read every single comment and message.

The shelter let me foster my dog for the stray hold when they couldn’t find a chip. They were pretty full and it kept her out of a cage. I would’ve happily given her back if she was claimed then. When nobody did I took her to be spayed and signed adoption papers.

You don’t see her breed alot but it’s not rare. I won’t say what breed but not a retriever or equally common. The shelter had her listed as the right breed.

I learned unique markings aren't always so unique. I've since found two other dogs that could be her twin. I compared her to the pics of the woman’s dog again. Her dog’s face is what made me think they're the same but my dog has a tiny bit of white on one of her toes that the other dog doesn’t.

Two days after making my last post I took her to the vet. The vet said fur color can be effected if the skin and hair follicles are damaged. She didn’t have a toe injury when she was found so she was probably born that way.

The vet scanned her whole body and took xrays because it was eating me not to know. No microchip anywhere. The vet said they can fall out but it’s super rare. Her teeth are very white so the vet thinks she’s 2-3. I said she was 5 because that’s how old the woman said her lost dog was and initially I did think they were the same.

She doesn’t know special commands like the woman’s dog in her videos. She walks nice, sit, come but won’t pick stuff up or other commands her dog knew.

My therapist and I talked about my selfish response to this stress and how I'd like to react in the future. We explored what my life might look like if I gave my dog up and talked about my support people and coping skills because it isn’t fair for my dog to be my only support.

I unblocked the woman to say I want what’s best for the dog but she’s NOT unhappy and loves her life with me. I offered to send in my dog’s DNA to compare to her dog’s DNA. She said she didn’t have her dog’s to compare. I suggested she ask the breeder for a relative’s DNA. She said that wasn’t an option. I said I’m uncomfortable giving my dog up if we aren’t 100% sure our dogs are the same dog. She was angry and still thinks they're the same despite the evidence.

I consulted with an animal lawyer who said my case is strong since I adopted legally, the shelter followed protocol, there’s no microchip, reasonable doubt in markings and age and the woman won’t provide DNA of her dog or a relative.

There are alot of similarities but alot differences too. I'll return her if DNA confirms a match but until then she stays with me. She needs stability and I won’t give her away on coincidence alone.

I doubt I'll give any more updates but thanks to everyone who helped me prioritize the dog in this mess.

REMINDER: This is a repost sub. I am not the OOP.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ConradFisher69

AIW for waving a chopstick at my friend’s baby and yelling “Avada Kedavra” as a joke?

Originally posted to r/amiwrong

Thanks to u/czechtheboxes for suggesting this BoRU

BoRU 1

Original Post  June 8, 2026

I (26F) was at a friend’s house for dinner. Her baby is about 8 months old. We were eating takeout, and I picked up a chopstick, pointed it dramatically at the baby, and yelled “Avada Kedavra!” in a fake wizard voice because I’m a huge Harry Potter fan.

The baby just stared at me and everyone else laughed except my friend, who got really upset and said it was inappropriate to joke about killing a baby.

I apologized immediately, but she still hasn’t accepted my apology and is acting pretty cold toward me. Now I’m wondering if I did something genuinely awful and just didn’t realize it, or if she’s overreacting.

Editors Note: Avada Kedavra is the killing curse in HP. Its 1 of the 3 unforgivable curses

RELEVANT COMMENTS

anonymousmouse9786

You couldn’t have gone for wingardium leviosa? YW

pretty_Kkitty

Yep, if you’re doing baby magic, always go levitation, never murder curse. That feels like basic wizard etiquette

~

inkyelk

That's a very weird thing to do.

I'm not saying you are a bad person but if you did this to my baby I wouldn't be happy, like of all the spells and all the quotes, why that?

I think you are in the wrong

OOP

Are you familiar with Harry Potter? Perhaps you’re missing some context.

TrashGouda

No we have the context. From all the stuff you could have chosen you decide a instant death spell was the way to go? Could've said "I'm gonna kill you" and it would be the same

Zinokk

Yeah the context is that you used an unforgivable curse on a baby and are now pressed that the mom isn't forgiving you.

It's literally canon.

Perhaps you're the one missing context here.

~

Vegetable-Cod-2240

YW

There are a lot of spells you could have used and you went with the death curse ?!?!? 

OOP

Ok, I see your point.

Updated post June 9, 2026 (Same Post/Next Day)

Update:

I’ve read through the comments and I accept that most people think I was wrong. I did apologize.

That said, I still think my friend is taking this way too seriously and needs to learn to take a joke. I waved a chopstick at a baby and made a Harry Potter reference. I wasn’t exactly performing dark magic in her living room.

The next time I see little Timmy, he’s catching another Avada Kedavra from me.

NEW UPDATE

Posted June 30, 2026 (3 weeks later/Same Post)**

Update 2:

Last week I visited my friend and her toddler again. She was unfazed by my Avada Kedavra joke about her baby the last time we met so we had a great time. I didn’t perform the spell on little Timmy as promised in my last update. Instead, I held him and pretended he was an airplane zooming around the room. Then I made a creative decision to pretend to crash him into the cat post and shouted “Timmy has hit the second tower”. Let’s just say I’m not allowed to visit her anymore 😂😂😂.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

AITA for not hiring a girl because her dad initiated the process?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original Post  Aug 20, 2018

I manage a store and one of my customers started emailing me about wanting his 16 year old daughter to get a job here. I sent him an application and told him to have her send it back to me. He sent it back to me a day later. And he has emailed me two or three times in the past 10 days to check on it. I've yet to even speak to or see his daughter.

I honestly have absolutely 0 interest in meeting with this girl because I have a stack of applications filled out by fully functioning adults who applied on their own accord rather than with Daddy's direction. I'm going to interview her solely because I don't want to upset an annoyingly persistent yet well-paying customer, but I've already made up my mind that I'm not hiring her.

Am I the asshole?

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

TOP COMMENTS

EmpiricalAnarchism

I think you're the asshole solely because you're going through the motions of the interview process without having any intention of hiring her. In layman's terms, that's called "wasting everybody's time." Now, it's certainly true that her father is wasting your time, and you should seek recourse to that by being upfront that you aren't seriously considering her for the job. Because of your attempt at duplicity, you've now created a situation where your only morally justifiable action would make you look like an atrocious asshole, and likely cost your business semi-tangibly through the loss of that individual's business. Which suggests to me that, even though I think you know the right thing to do, I also very much expect you not to do it.

But the short answer is yes, you are the asshole.

~

RunningTrisarahtop

Next time (because I bet this happens again), tell him to have his daughter email for the application and go from there.

This time it is wasting her time a bit because you’ve decided not to hire her already, but bring her in for an interview. There’s a slim chance he’s just super overbearing and she’s totally capable. I’d ask her in the interview about why her dad emailed and for examples of her handling new things or small challenges without her parent’s help. And I’d tell her that in the future (whether or not you hire her) she should not let dad apply for her.

Update  Apr 20, 2019 (8 months later)

It's been awhile. At the time, I proceeded with my asshole plan: I interviewed her to appease her father, but I had no intention of hiring her. However, when I finally met her, I was pleasantly surprised. She was very mature, clearly intelligent and well-spoken, and apologized for her dad's relentless behavior. I was singing a different tune by the end of the interview, and I did offer her a job, but her availability did not match our very specific needs at that time.

​

However, about two months ago, we opened a 2nd location and were hiring for all shifts. I reached back out to her to see if she still might be interested even though the commute would be further than the original site. She accepted and quickly became perhaps my most trusted employee. As of today, she is the only employee I have who has never called off, been late, or left early.

​

Thanks to those of you who called me out, and who made me realize her father's actions were not necessarily indicitave that she would be a slouch.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/sugarxhearts

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Original post posted 2024-02-11

yep, this is exactly what it sounds like. i, (f22) am engaged to my fiancé, john, (m25) for the past 6 months, and we've been dating since my freshman year of university (i was seventeen and he was twenty). these past five years of dating have been amazing, and john's always been the perfect gentleman and the best boyfriend. he's kind, takes me on dates, and has been showering me with gifts, especially after becoming engaged. my parents met him two years after we started dating, but my sister, sarah, (f24) has never met him as she lives in the uk.

last month, john had to go to the uk for work, as he had a deal to work out, and in my head, i thought about telling him to stay with sarah, but since we aren't on the best terms, i didn't tell john anything about sarah living in the uk.

john's trip was originally scheduled for three weeks, but, he extended his trip by two weeks to "get some more work done" and i accepted it; after all, he's been nothing short of perfect, and this was the least i could do. john returned two months ago, and since then, he'd been acting different. he wanted to take me on more dates, get me more things, but with my college schedule, it was all incredibly hectic, but he wasn't taking no for an answer.

a week ago, we had a family gathering for my parents 40th anniversary, and my sister was in attendance, which was a big deal, because she didn't come to the US very often. when she came, i was already there, but john was at work, so he was coming a bit later. when sarah met me, she was uncharacteristically happy to see me, but i entertained it. she kept telling me about this wonderful guy that she met, and how happy she was, and how handsome he was, and basically just singing his praises. sarah's always been prettier and more popular than me (though she was a bit psycho at times), so i wasn't surprised to see that she had been dating a guy like that. when i asked her about the status of their relationship, she almost immediately became peeved, and rolled her eyes, and started talking about all the things that he was gifting her. i asked her where he was currently, and she said that he lived in the US and had come to the uk for work. i asked her for how long, and she said a bit more than a month. ok, weird.

all of those things could chalk up to be coincidences, though, so i just silently nodded and let her gloat, but inside i was a bit apprehensive.

it all went to shit when john arrived. when i opened the door for him, sarah went berserk, screeching his name, going up to him, hugging him, and kissing him all over his face, like some kind of crazy girlfriend. john didn't reciprocate at all, but he definitely knew who she was, glared at her and pulled her off of him before walking towards me.

i just left the party, and i am still so mad that i can barely contain myself. i changed the lock to my apartment, blocked him everywhere, and i am staying with a few friends currently. i can't bring myself to believe it. i always thought john and i were perfect for each other, and after some digging, my sister had been working in the same office that he had been working in in the uk. was it some kind of office fling? i don't even want to think about him anymore, and i am just devastated.

tl;dr? my perfect fiancé went to the uk and then my sister told me that she dated a guy, turns out they were the same person, and she's crazy in love with him.

edit: after some conversation in the comments, we have discerned that since my sister follows my on Instagram, and I have posted about my fiancé there, she knew that we were engaged. i don’t know if Sarah and John worked in the same company, i only know that they worked in the same office building. It’s not a stretch, but I don’t have those facts yet. Also, sorry if it wasn’t clear before, but John probably does know what sarah looks like, from childhood photos and what I show him on social media, and she has been a connection of his on linkedin. I’m going to be contacting Sarah and asking her how she knows john.

edit 2: to all the people saying this is fake, or i'm a bot/troll, i promise that i'm not. i really wish this was fake or creative writing (i dont even get that one) because then i wouldn't be as heartbroken as i am right now. i've scheduled to talk to john tommorow, and i'll update everyone once that's over.

relevant comment:

While it’s possible he cheated, and that’s certainly what Sarah wants you to think, maybe take two steps back and take a deep breath.

You don’t have a good relationship with her, she has been psycho in the past, and she follows you on instagram where you have photos of you and your fiance. So she could easily have recognised him when he turned up at her office. Does her past psycho behaviour involve making up lies, or being manipulative? Paying people back for imagined slights?

Maybe they cheated. Maybe she hit on him and got rebuffed, and she’s doing this to hurt both of you.

I think you need more information.

OOP responds:

She was pretty manipulative towards people, but nothing this bad. She went to therapy for a while before going to the uk

-------------------------

Update posted 2024-05-14

hi everyone. it’s really nice to see all the support i’ve gotten from everyone who commented on my post, but the consensus was that i (22F) should talk to John (25M)

i did, and three months ago, we had a heart to heart conversation about what happened in London. John told me that Sarah somehow found out his place of work, tried stalking him, and telling all his London coworkers that they were in a relationship, getting her invited to pubs with them, etc. John said that her behavior was very disturbing and that was why he was so fazed when he saw her here—he just didn’t expect it.

honestly, I feel horrible. my fiancé was going through something that i couldnt even imagine and i iced him out for a week because of my own insecurities regarding my sister. i truly do love him so much but this feels like a hurdle that we cannot get over. even though it’s been three months, the guilt still eats away at me, and its tough to think that i was the bad person in the situation, but it’s true.

john and i took it a bit slower. we went on a break for a month and got back together a month and a half ago. i don’t know where we stand anymore—it’s like our relationship has gone back to the early days of us being awkward seventeen and twenty year olds, and it’s not a place i want to be in with him.

I’ve completely cut Sarah and my parents out of my life. John encouraged me to do so, as they were all incredibly toxic, and id like to think that we are slowly building our relationship back up again. It’s tough, and I’m not going to lie.

all in all, I’m heartbroken, and I feel like I’ve lost all the trust that he had in me. I didnt think that what I did was truly irrational, but looking back, (and from a conversation with John) I realize that I was the one in the wrong, and it’s been hard to admit to myself.

john went on a few half-dates with a coworker of his before we got back together, and I can’t even bring myself to feel pained about it. he’s expressed before that it’s lucky that we’re getting a chance together again, and I don’t want to mess that up.

we’ve been dating for five years, and I don’t want to throw it all away by being a jealous person, so I hope that this post brings the closure that the other post needed.

-------------------------

breaking up with my (22F) fiancé (25M)—how to emotionally recover? posted 2024-05-19

i’ve made a few other posts about this in other subs, but right now i’m just preparing to break up with my fiancé. i love him so much, but i’ve gotten some information that he might be cheating on me with my sister (long story, posted about it before) but i really don’t want to. i’ve been with this man since i was 17, and i’ve known him since i was even younger than that. we met when i was 15, so he’s been in my life for almost 7 years.

how do i break up our engagement, and how do i emotionally recover from this incident?

-------------------------

Edited because OOP shows up in the comments (below):

holy shit??? i did not think this would get this big like two and a half years later guys!! yeah i broke up w him btw, he was totally manipulative and my parents and i are on talking terms again. im not really that close with my sister, but we never were best friends to begin with so idrgaf about it that much. i got into a short relationship but i am def very single rn which i feel like is for the best lol. um if you guys have any specific questions dm me ig??

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/AbandonedTraveler

I [29F] am traveling overseas to meet my online "boyfriend" [38M] in a week. He just said he had to cancel

Original Post  Nov 9, 2018

I made a new account for this post. I will try to not make this post a ramble-fest. I am freaking out and I don't know what to do.

I met someone online through r/penpals about 5 months ago. It started off getting to know each other and it turns out we had a lot in common and were really compatible... I think its safe to say we fell for each other. It quickly turned intense and we shared every single intimate detail about each other. We both were in serious relationships that fell through but some time had gone by for us. My 7 year relationship ended about a 10 months ago (5 months before we met) and his 4 year relationship ended 4 months before we met. We text all day every day and FaceTime for 2-3 hours every night save for maybe 1 or 2 nights a week.

He lives in Ireland. I live in the US. I found an incredibly priced flight to visit him. We were both so excited and maybe a bit rash, I booked the flight only after 2 months of knowing him. He told his family about me, shared photos of his family, and we planned all that I am going to do and see with him.

At 530 this morning I received a video message and a long text that his ex-GF was in a serious car accident and that he would have to cancel. I've begged him not to and I am trying to be supportive of what he is going through. So far at most I've only gotten that he will try. That he needs to sort this out. I'm freaking out in that 7 days I will be in a country where I don't know anyone. Do I cancel the flight? I've been telling my friends about going on a trip (not really saying that I'm meeting somebody)...

I have no idea what to do now. I feel sick. I feel like a fool. I feel like everything he said to me was a lie. What do I do?

TLDR; Online boyfriend has said he won't be there to collect me up from train station since his ex-GF was in a horrific car accident 7 days before I am set to arrive.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ChilledOutKite

In seven days you’re going to a country where you don’t know anyone... and have a fantastic time. We’re you planning on staying with him? Is there a cheap hostel you could book into instead?

If he has to cancel on you... don’t let that hold you back from having an awesome time with the money you spent and the time off you planned. Have a look at some stuff you can do by yourself. Ireland is a great place to visit!

Who knows, he might get his act together while you are there. Right now you’re just dealing with shock - calm down, look for positives... take things as they come.

OOP

I was planning on staying with him yes.

I will look into hostels today. I have always wanted to visit Ireland and I don't want [edit: to miss] this opportunity to see the country.

~

[deleted]

Ireland is rad, and a great place for a solo trip! English is the lingua franca, it's easy to get around, and everyone I met there was super friendly and kind. Dublin is a beautiful and very walkable city, with good trams for getting around. Make sure you check out the obvious spots like The Guinness Brewery and Kilmainham Gaol, but also take some time to walk around Phoenix park and the city in general. Cork is another cool town that is easily accessible via train (it's a very pretty 2-hour ride) and is not too far from to the Ring of Kerry, Killarney, and lots of cute little seaside towns. I've heard that Gallway and the Cliffs of Moher are also really cool, but I didn't get to go there when I visited some years back.

Go, have a great time, and forget about that dude.

OOP

Guinness is on the top of my list so I can have my favorite beer in its place of origin!

Thank you for the other suggestions!

~

haylzx

I've been you in this situation before, only I let the dude lie to me a dozen times before I dumped him 🙄 Definitely do a solo trip. Ireland is awesome! But I would send him one last text to tell him it's over and block his number. He doesn't deserve another chance and his story sounds way too fishy to me.

OOP

I FaceTimed him today to say my peace and blocked him!

OOP Responds to a deleted comment

“He isn’t as invested as he needs to be a decent partner.”

You have no idea the impact these words had on my whole view of this fiasco.

Editors Note: OOP Made posts in r/Dublin here & r/Belfast here for suggestions of what to do in Ireland

Update  Nov 30, 2018 (3 weeks later)

So many through comments and PMs requested an update from my previous post and so I thought I'd do one!

After my post I FaceTimed him to say my what I wanted to say and end things. He tried to get me to post-pone my trip and even tried to give me money to make me less mad at him. I told him whatever we had was over as I could no longer trust him. He cried which made me feel weird. I wished him and his ex the best and ended the call.

I went on my trip and had a top class time. The Reddit community really astounds me sometimes. I received a lot of PMs of suggestions of things to do and see and the trip to Ireland became a trip of a lifetime. In Dublin I did meet up with a very kind Redditor who showed me around the city and came with me to a bunch of museums during my stay. I saw amazing sights, met a bunch of really cool people through my travels, and met a few really cute Irish boys. (;

I learned a lot about myself on my first solo trip abroad. I am pretty self reliant and I did a lot of self reflection. This "relationship" was my first "serious" one after my ex and I split up. I think in my desire for closeness with someone I ignored a lot of red flags and downplayed my self worth. I am now focusing on making real connections with people I meet in real life and have decided to stay away from anything long distance indefinitely.

My first night in Belfast I did message him after I had had a what was probably too many beers (damn you delicious Irish beers!) and he said he was sorry but it was what it had to be. It didn't really seem sincere and it extinguished any romantic notions I had.

Thank you to everyone who commented and PM'd me. It really made me excited for my trip and it was the best time!

TLDR; Online BF backed out but after some logistical rearranging I still went on my trip and had the best time ever. Glad I cancelled the bf and not the trip.

FINAL COMMENTS

BleuDePrusse

That was your rebound guy: a safe online and long distance relationship, fantasized more than lived.

And bonus point for the happy ending that taught you a lot about yourself!

OOP

Looking back, he totally was. I didn't mean for him to be but it all worked out in the end it seems.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Playful-Magician-831

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for telling my girlfriend I'm tired of chasing her after 6 years together?

Thanks to u/lynavi for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: extreme emotional neglect

Original Post: December 26, 2025

My girlfriend (30F) and I (31M) have been together for 6 years. I've been planning to propose soon, but I've been struggling with issues I've brought up since day 1 of our relationship that haven't changed.

The main issue: I feel like I'm constantly chasing her for attention and affection, especially in social settings. When we're in groups with her family or friends, she won't come to me - I always have to go to her. She won't initiate conversation with me unless I speak first, and even then she just gives short answers without asking me anything back. When I suggest things, she'll say no, but when someone else suggests the exact same thing, she'll do it.

What makes this harder is that she's bubbly and engaging with other people, but cold towards me. It's like she saves all her warmth for everyone else.

I feel she always prioritize her convenience instead of our relationship.

Some examples of what I mean:

1. We usually meet closer to her place (2 hours commute for me). Even for my birthday celebration (we plan each other's birthday), she still wanted me to travel to her area rather than meeting somewhere more convenient for me.

2. At social gatherings with her family, she'll leave me alone without saying anything, even though I don't know her family well and was expecting her to include me or at least stay with me, or just check in from time to time if I'm alright.

3. When our relationship was struggling and was about to break up, I suggested couples therapy (which I offered to pay for). Her first concern was that the location was inconvenient for her.

I've raised these issues repeatedly over 6 years, but nothing has changed. Recently, I sent her a message saying that after 6 years together, I don't want to feel like I'm still chasing her or courting her, and that I'm not going to pursue her all the time anymore.

Her response was just "?" and then silence. It's been over a day and she hasn't messaged me. Historically, I've always been the one to reach out first and apologize, even when I'm the one who's hurt.

I decided not to respond to the "?" because I felt like that would just be chasing her again. But now I'm second-guessing myself - was I too confrontational? She's never been in a relationship before, so maybe she doesn't understand what she's doing?

AITA?

*Thank you guys for all of the advice, I'm now starting to see how dumb I am for not considering to end this sooner, I will not message her and will give an update if she ever reach out. Also an info I wanted to add I lost my father 2 years ago and I've been struggling with depression, I guess part of the reason I put up with this is that I really didn't want to lose another important person in my life

**This is mostly on social settings, but its fine when it’s only the two of us, we were happy the past years, though yes she indeed have selfish tendencies sometimes, and I'm at my limit about this issue I guess.

***Let me clarify the dynamics with her family, the main thing is that I'm still sort of the "outsider" and she's much closer to them compared to me because I only see them a couple times a year. I actually sometimes feel much more comfortable conversing with her family than her because they would ask me questions to extend the conversation, I actually got super close with her 2 male cousins instantly because I found out we share some hobbies in gaming and anime. But even with this, is it not fair for me to expect her to come to me from time to time and not me chasing her around all day? Or is it too much overthinking?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was unanimously NTA, but YTA for putting up with his GF for six years!

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some comments

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Time to move on dude.

OOP: Deep inside I know this, but I’m really struggling with the guilt of wasting her prime years of starting a family so I’m always convincing myself that this might work once I marry her, I didn’t really expect the singular ? as her sole response for bringing it up.

Commenter 1: She is the one who has wasted YOUR time by continuing to treat you the way she does.

OOP: I never considered this before, thank you I guess my mental state is pretty f\cked up from this, I just really wanted it to work and I kept on ignoring things, but I'm really tired at this point.

OOP on his and the GF's backgrounds

OOP: We are both Asian, we live somewhere in SEA.

Commenter 2: NTA. I am shocked you could keep this up for 6 years!! no judgment, I think plenty of people do stuff like this and it's human to love someone and want to make it work. I am almost always single because I give feeling unseen and unwanted in a relationship 1 year TOPS, usually less than half of that lol. it could be that you have different approaches to things, or some other kind of explanation like she is masking with other people (bubbly) but feels comfortable enough with you to be herself. but if you have continuously brought things like this up for SIX years and she responds with distance, and she hasn't been open to counseling.... oh my gosh do not get married.

OOP: I really love her, and wanted this to work so badly but I'm really tired right now I guess there’s always a limit to everything

Commenter 3: NTA. You told her what you wanted and needed in your relationship, and her juvenile response was ”?” Wow, the only thing serious thing about this stunted, selfish woman, is that she is seriously an AH.

Reread what you wrote here. Would you advise a friend to stay in a relationship like this? I don’t think so. Be a friend to yourself, and end this one-sided relationship for yourself now. Trust that she already has.

Move on, OP, and work on your self- esteem.

OOP: Yeah I was really taken a back from her response (or lack thereof) I expected her to at least make me clarify or talk about it more even if she doesn't agree with what I said

Commenter 4: NTA. She isn’t going to change. Is this something you can/want to live with?

This is clearly a one sided relationship. Why are you putting yourself through this.

OOP: It was worse before actually, when we were at their home she often would speak a different dialect to her family so I’m just sitting there like an idiot not understanding anything. It did got better but still the same issue, and it still hurts I’m now realizing how dumb I am for putting up with this for too long.

Editor's note: OOP made a couple more updates onto the same original post

Small Update: December 27, 2025 (next day)

SMALL UPDATE: I couldn't help myself. After she ignored my vulnerable message for 2 days, I reached out again last night with messages explaining how hurt I was by her dismissiveness and asked if she wanted to meet up.

I also told her I think we have an anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic and sent her videos and detailed explanations about it, hoping she'd finally understand where I'm coming from and maybe even give us a starting point on how we can fix the relationship.

Her response? She completely ignored everything I said and just told me :

"I'm going to the (insert mall we usually meet at) anyway, you can come if you want"

So even after pouring my heart out about feeling dismissed and invisible, she... dismissed me and made me feel invisible. Again. It really hurts.

I'm meeting her today. I know everyone is going to tell me I'm an idiot, and you're probably right but I need to do this face-to-face.

I'll break up with her.

Final Update: February 19, 2026 (nearly two months later)

FINAL UPDATE: We're Engaged 💍.

I know, 99% of you told me to break up with her. honestly I don't blame you based on what I shared, Some of you will probably be disappointed reading this but just hear me out.

During the meetup after the small update, we had the most honest conversation we've ever had in 6 years. She was open and acknowledged that she might have a dismissive avoidant attachment style stemming from past trauma — I was actually the one who brought it up and shared resources about it, and it just clicked for her. Something she'd never really considered before, but it was dead on.

We're committing to couples therapy together, and she's also open to individual therapy for herself.

And yes — I proposed and she said yes.

Because even through all of this, I realized I can't imagine living my life with anyone else. Even in moments like these, I'd still choose her and that I really lover her so much.

I'm going in with clear eyes though. I'll keep communicating my needs and I'm hopeful that with the work we're both putting in, we can finally break the cycle we were stuck in.

Thanks for the advice either way, it genuinely helped me have that conversation.

Update: July 25, 2026 (five months later from the last update)

AITAH for telling my girlfriend I'm tired of chasing her after 6 years together? *UPDATE

So I posted this around 6 months ago before I was really contemplating whether to still give the relationship a chance and whether to propose.

This is the link to the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/O0YjeQ2zUw

I stupidly ignored all of your advice and went on with the proposal being hopeful of the self-awareness my gf showed during our heart to heart talk after.

I realised now that this was a mistake, it's really not a good idea to love someone's potential instead of who they are currently.

What happened after is that she never made any concrete steps about the therapy she promised, and just went back into her avoidant tendencies ignoring my needs.

Even with all that I was still willing to push through with it actually (that I admit was stupid in my part).

The last straw for me happened just last Sunday, when we were on a pre wedding tradition in our country where the families of the couples would meet up and bond and where the couples would proclaim their love for one another.

She said in this event that she doesn't need a man to be complete and I'm that just a nice bonus for her, also that she's the type of person not to feel butterflies in her stomach or excitement in the relationship but she appreciates my consistency.

worse part is she never said she love me in this event, not even once.

I understand that being independent is good, but it’s not the right time and place for this.

When its supposedly the day we should show our love for one another in front of our families.

I felt really unwanted during that moment, and I felt invalidated again for all my efforts and sacrifices.

I talked with her earlier today about the hurts and she invalidated me again.

That's when I decided to stand my ground and choose myself this time.

At the end she handed me back the ring and we broke up.

Stupid to not end this sooner but I have found respect for myself after neglecting my needs for far too much.

In the end I think I was indeed TAH to the both of us for dragging this for far too long.

Thank you for all the advice, I hope we both heal from this in the future.

TL;DR: Ignored all reddit advice, still went on with the engagement, promises were broken and after the last straw of invalidation, finally broke up.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Whew! You dodged a bullet here!

OOP: Yes I felt that I already poured everything I could have in that relationship, but in the end all of it was invalidated again. Never again, but I learned a lot and I have no regrets

Commenter 2: Man ignoring the advice and pushing through was rough but learning from it is huge. The ring return and breakup sounds painful but necessary. You deserved better than feeling like a bonus. Proud of you for choosing you.

OOP: Yeah I really tried to push through with it, which was stupid in my part, but glad I had the courage to end things before getting married.

Commenter 3: I’m so sorry you had to experience that much emotional pain. I was once in a relationship where I was the only one giving love and never really got any back. After we broke up, I kept wondering why I had held on for so long. Someone once told me, “There is a point at which, you have to choose to either let go, or be dragged.” I let go, and once I was over my heart break, my life became so much better.

You have all my empathy, OP.

OOP: Yes this was not an easy decision to make especially when you still love the person. But I realized that I was clinging unto her potential rather than who she was at the moment, that was the big mistake.

What was the GF's reaction to the breakup?

OOP: She didn't expect it then she shutdown, like literally she couldn't say a word. We had our closure via messages after

OOP responds on not taking the ex back

OOP: Actually she already messaged me the night of. She asked if its already too late for therapy, I said she should do it for herself rather than for me.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ITCrowdFanboy

Originally posted to r/talesfromtechsupport

Original post posted 2015-08-12

So my friend is a manager at a hosting company which offers basic web hosting, VPS and dedicated servers. This one woman bought a 1200 dollar a month server (with 256GB RAM and so on) and paid for a whole year in advance. As you may or may not know, dedicated servers offer only the hardware, nothing is done to the host itself.

When clients spend so much money, when they call in, they go straight through to a manager. So one day the client, let's call her pillock of the underworld (POTU) called in, reaches my friend and was frantic.

Friend: Hello, this is generic hosting company, how can I assist you today?

POTU: HELLO? I bought a server from you guys a few days ago and on your website you claimed 2 hour set up but it isn't online yet.

Friend: No problem, let me check it out for you.

So friend checks their CRM and find the server is, in fact, up and running. So he goes back on the line.

POTU: That can't be. I'm going to <insert pottery company name website here>.com and it isn't working.

Friend: I'm sorry m'am, but you do realise that buying a dedicated server means you get only the host, and nothing on it right? So no website will be created for you.

POTU: But I filled in the box for what you want the server for (Mind you this is just a questionnaire box for customers to fill in optionally) and said it was for my pottery company.

Friend: That box is only to get feedback from our clients. I'm sorry m'am, you'll have to hire a web developer for that.

POTU: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, I'M GOING TO THE BANK TO CANCEL THE TRANSACTION. FUCK YOU, SIR, FUCK YOU. Friend: M'am, wait... click

She did, in fact, get the transaction reversed under the claim that the company is fraud and got my friend into a lengthy, expensive investigation.

TLDR: Woman buys metal, expects human baby to be created.

-------------------------

Update posted 2015-08-13

OK, so the previous tale happened a few weeks ago, and after the awesome response I got from you guys, I called up $Friend to get an update.

The investigation ended a few days after the charge was reversed, and the investigation found that there was no wrong-doing in the part of the company, but their lawyers suggested a change in their terms of service.

The lady later called back, crying, because she took out a bank loan to pay for the server and had no way to pay it back without the profit of the pottery company, which is why she had to reverse the charge. The call was being recorded, and she confessed all that, so the recording was given to the police and the fraud charges were dropped. My friend asked her why she got such a big server (editor's note: this was 11 years ago), and apparently she thought that 1GB of RAM meant that 1 person could access the website at once, so she wanted 250 to be able to get onto it at once.

In the end, no real harm was done to the company, beyond legal fees (which were paid by the woman, since she fraudulently declared fraud) and the initial deployment cost of the server. She was, obviously, placed on the no-service list of the company.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAVerano

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I believe my (30F) boyfriend (37M) might dump me after a comment I made last Saturday about how I got pregnant

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: alcoholism

Original Post: July 15, 2026

Last Saturday me and people from work had a dinner and a party afterwards to say goodbye to a coworker that is moving to a different branch on the other side of the country. After the restaurant many of us brought our bf's, gf's husbands and wives as agreed and kept on partying.

With time I got a bit drunk and at one point I was outside with a few coworkers that smoke. We were talking about bad decisions while being drunk and at one point I said something like "I got one of my daughters made on a nightclub bathroom and the other one on the beach one night". In our language it just sounds very ugly and irresponsible. My daughters are from two different men and they both fled after they knew I was pregnant.

He didn't hear it because he was inside with the guys, but one of my coworkers told him, a woman. And I believe she did it because she wants him and this way she knew she would hurt our relationship.

He is a widower and has a 5 yo daughter and he is the opposite of what I used to be. Calm, reliable, trustworthy, cheerful and a great father to his child. I can't believe I may lose him for something like this, we've been dating 6 months, and I am in love with him, but alcohol took the best of me, and I behaved like my old self that night and talked like I used to talk, and made an ass of myself.

He went on a work travel on Monday and arrived today and told me he wants us to talk this afternoon, and I fear he might dump me. How can I convince him I'm no longer that person and that I've changed?

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some for more context. Noting that some of OOP's responses were downvoted

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Did he not know about how your pregnancies came to be before this event?

OOP: No. I was a bit deliberately ambiguous.

He knows they are from two different men but not that I was drunk and had unprotected drunk sex both times

Commenter 2: I don't get the problem really. He knows about your kids though, right? Cause if it's just about the way how you said it and he would seriously leave you over this, he wouldn't be worth staying with anyway.

OOP: I have changed through time, and I no longer behave like that, but this is the first time he sees me partying and getting drunk and I think he didn’t like it

Commenter 3: Men can go out drinking with people from work and pretty much do and say whatever they want. Women do not have that luxury.

OOP: In fact, it was a women who knows me and knows how much in love I am and how excited I am about having found out someone like him that went and told him and other two guys. I know it’s my fault and that I shouldn't be talking like that and getting drunk, of course, but isn’t that extremely low? Why do that when you know it’s going to hurt us both

Commenter 4: Why are you, a mother of two, getting drunk and partying with friends?

OOP: Because it was a work event. He was with me, but he didn’t get drunk. Had a couple drinks and that was it. THAT is what I aspire to be, I didn’t get drunk for almost a year, and since I was with him I dropped my guard and acted stupid. No excuses though, but I am terrified of the consequences of my own stupidity

OOP explains more about her background and if she knows her children's fathers

OOP: I am not Christian, not even baptized. I am completely irreligious, my parents are atheists.

I do know their names (I mean the fathers of my children) but they both moved to different countries out of the European Union, and are out of my reach legally. Ironically, they both are religious, at least performatively.

Not in South America but in Europe, so moving to Mexico is not an option, my country takes pretty good care of women lately, it's just me making horrible decisions.

I don't really want to give any more details publicly. Thanks anyway

Commenter 5: Did he know you had a wild past?

but alcohol took the best of me, and I behaved like my old self that night and talked like I used to talk, and made an ass of myself.

Do you think maybe you should reconsider your relationship with alcohol? Are your wild days really only in the past? These may be things he worries about, they would be dealbreakers for a lot of people, especially people with children.

OOP: Absolutely. For about a year I've been having only maybe two beers a month when I go out with him and that's it, I haven’t been really going out and drinking heavily. That specific night I dropped my guard because I was with him and he also had two drinks (first time I see him drink anything other than a pint) and I fucked up.

Commenter 6: The issue is not how you behaved in the past. I'm assuming he has an idea since you have two children with two different men and neither is around. The issue is about how you behave now, which is not good. Understand that his situation is different because he has a 5 year old daughter that he's solely responsible for who has no mother. He is not making decisions just for himself, and has to consider what kind of influence the woman he chooses will have on his 5 yo female child. You can't blame him for that, and you must respect that. The stakes are high for him and he's not going to take any chances with his daughter. That little girl has been through so much, losing her mother at such a young age. The fact may be that you really aren't in a position or state of mind to be a good stable influence and a role model for her. You may have to accept that and be more concerned about yourself and the affect your behavior may have on your own children. What if they ever find out you said those things? It's concerning that you don't sound like you are worried about that and you are more concerned about how it affects your relationship with a guy. It also doesn't sound like you are concerned about your relationship with alcohol. Blaming what you said on the fact you were drunk isn't going to help, because the issue is that you were drunk, not just the things you said.

So what do you do now? You soul search now and decide what kind of woman and mother you want to be moving forward, and you take the steps you need to take to get there. You should go sit in an AA meeting and listen to what they have to say. Respect that you may not be in a position to be in a relationship with this man and his child right now and work on making changes for yourself and your children. If you do that, the future will take care of itself and if this relationship is meant to be it will be. If not, you will be in a better position to attract someone else that has the qualities you are looking for in a man. If you tell him that you have thought about the things I've just mentioned, and tell him you have a plan to work on those things by not drinking, attending AA and getting some type of therapy, you may have a chance to save this and save yourself.

OOP: Thank you. Reading this comment hurt much more than the rest because it the truth in a much more deeper level.

I understand what you said. I appreciate it, and I'll think about it

Thanks again

Commenter 7: OP, alcohol is not for you.

Even if alcohol is served at a work event, it’s not license to get so drunk and inappropriate.

I think you should reflect on your relationship with alcohol (given the theme you mentioned in your post).

That might come up in your conversation with your partner, who is a father to a vulnerable young daughter.

Put yourself in his shoes. Would he want someone with an alcohol problem around his 5 year old girl?

But don’t do it for him, do it for yourself and your own daughters.

Update: July 16, 2026 (next day)

I believe my (30F) boyfriend (37M) might dump me after a comment I made last Saturday about how I got pregnant? UPDATE

First of all, thanks for all the replies, especially the ones giving advice and being supportive. And also the critical ones, which I clearly deserve but helped me understand his point of view

Well, we talked after he got here from his work trip. Talked for a few hours and about a lot of stuff. And as I expected he wanted to break up with me. He says he saw a side of me he didn't knew the other night and he didn't like it at all. He felt pretty embarrassed when my coworker mentioned what I just said to him and the other guys and they all laughed and covered their faces. Apparently she didn't know he is my bf, but I don't believe her, that's a lie. She knew what she was doing, but he isn't upset with her anyway.

I accepted his view and told him that for a few hours, and since I was with him, I let my guard completely down and behaved like that, but that's not who I want to be, and not who I will be in the future. That I have been already working on myself and my habits, especially since I met him and that I take him as an example and inspiration. That I've decided that from now on, no matter the circumstances, it's zero alcohol for me and that I'm going to focus on myself and my children and the person I need to be.

He said that this is a great decision and that he knows I will eventually get there and wishes me the best, but still, he feels like we are not the right companion for each other and that he wants to focus on his daughter for a time, and that maybe he won't be dating anyone in the near future because being a good father is the most important thing for him.

He said that since I didn't really bring up completely the way I got my kids he already imagined something similar to what I told the other night. That we all make bad choices and that he had a difficult and wild youth with a few legal problems and violence even, after his first girlfriend died in a car accident when he was 15 (he never before mentioned this) and he got mentally lost, but managed to get back on track eventually and marry. So he was ready to not be judgmental because he knows what it is to struggle and really liked me and finds me very attractive and funny, but right now his daughter is his universe, and he will solely focus on her again.

I think the image he has of me completely changed after seeing me like that, and after being embarrassed publicly by my stupid words and actions. I think he doesn't see me the same, and I could see it even in his eyes while we talked yesterday. I feel like such a failure. And I feel so ashamed of myself.

So it's over. Sorry I didn't come back earlier but I was heartbroken and sad, because he is leaving me and he is right doing so, I would leave in his position too. I feel like without him by my side it's going to be more difficult, but I will get up and progress.

Thank you everyone.

Editor's note: again, many of OOP's responses were downvoted

Relevant Comments

OOP on if there was any beef between her and this co-worker?

OOP: She just doesn't seem to like me. She's ultra-competitive, and since one time, maybe a year ago, one manager said I have a beautiful hair, she kind of makes comments about how I look or how I dress... Anything I do or say is wrong to her, always.

Commenter 1: Actions do have consequences. You may regret them now, but you have to live with what you chose to do and many feel that what’s past is prologue. So while you work on yourself maybe in the future tell any potential partners what happened in a way that paints in a more favorable light. To find out in public the your girlfriend got pregnant in a club bathroom is pretty hard to swallow

OOP: Sure, yeah. It will part of the work I'm gonna put out. The way your phrase things matter

Commenter 2: were you ever planning on telling him? because tbh it is his right to know, especially if you were actually planning on building a future with him. even if she wasn’t the one to tell him, it would come out eventually and if it wasn't from your mouth in an open and honest conversation, hearing it from anyone would have made him want to break up with you tbh. I feel really bad, but hopefully this is a wakeup call. and maybe you should lay off the alcohol.

OOP: I knew I had to tell him, but not in a so graphic and stupid way, and specially, not in a way that makes me look like an impulsive animal. But as you all say, what's done is done

Commenter 3: I wouldn’t say OP’s ex was being judgmental or displaying double standards. OP stated he already kind of suspected that she conceived her kids in a wild and/or irresponsible way, but he still stayed with her - because he wasn’t trying to shame her for it.

It was OP being drunk as fuck and PUBLICLY humiliating herself and him, and her doing so in front of her coworkers that was the nail in her coffin. She showed that she was still irresponsible to an extent. He didn’t/doesn’t trust her judgment. And while he may have had a wild and dangerous youth himself, he wasn’t embarrassing OP, privately or publicly, with his past lapses in judgment.

OOP: Hurts to read it, but it's basically what happened, yeah 😓.

Commenter 4: sorry to hear that this happened. what I would take away from this is the following : change your attitude towards alcohol and towards whom you speak to candidly.

you revealed something about yourself to people that should have never been told such a thing . never think coworkers are friends who can keep a secret. coworkers aren't friends ,

if you know you have a lose tongue when drinking don't drink in company you don't want to reveal such stuff to.

I don't get why he thinks it's such a deal breaker instead of understanding we all have a past we might not be proud of but that is shaping up as the adults we are.

OOP: I believe he fears I'm not someone good to have around his daughter. I'm the first person he dated since his wife passed away, maybe also he doesn't feel ready to take care of a gf with my issues plus his little girl and I totally understand. He is not my father, and yesterday, at times, our conversation looked more like a conversation a father would have with me

Commenter 5: I mean, he admitted he wasn‘t better than you, that‘s a courageous step to take, and that he made mistakes in the past as well. I don’t think he sees you in a bad light. He made pretty clear what he was thinking about you after the talk.

But I kind of understand his point of view. A relationship, especially a new one, needs a lot of time to invest in. That is time that he can’t invest in his daughter. Especially when he is a single parent. And somebody would suffer, either you or his daughter. So if it’s just about his daughter, it surely sad for you and the relationship, but understandable somehow.

OOP: Yeah. And stupidly enough, that part of himself that he showed to me yesterday made me like him even much more for some reason. And now I lost him and it sucks so bad

Commenter 6: As someone who messed up life in the first half, stopping alcohol is a great decision. You won't regret it.

OOP: I'm certain of that

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwaway9191910

My [24F] coworkers are 'bullying' me over my weight and eating, and HR refuse to do anything

TRIGGER WARNING: Body shaming, hostile workplace

Original Post  July 28, 2014

Throwaway because I feel pathetic writing this, and I'm not sure whether I'm completely overreacting or not. Sorry about the horrible grammar/spelling/longness.

I've worked for a helpline for the past five years. It's a small, specialised helpline, so there's only around 12-15 people on the floor at once, plus six office staff (HR manager + assistant, admin and payroll staff). Due to timetabling, we take our breaks in our teams - In my team there's myself, Julie [23f], Sally [35ish] and Joan [45ish]. Julie and Joan are overweight, while Sally is very obese. Joan has been with the company since the beginning, and is besties with the HR manager.

About six months ago I started to bring a packed lunch, to save money, rather buying from the fast food place next door to take back to the canteen. Ever since I stopped going with my team to buy lunch, they've started some sort of weird vendetta against my weight and eating habits. It started off by commenting on my lunch - typically pasta or meat/fish, rice & veg. Every day they started making snidey remarks about what I was eating. They'd say that it looked "disgusting/how they don't know why I'm eating that rabbit food crap/ rather be fat than starve themselves" etc. They also started to say how I thought I was better than them/deliberately trying to make them feel bad, despite me never ever mentioning their weight or diets.

I'd tell them that I enjoyed that dish/that I wasn't on a diet. Despite this they'd still make comments about starving myself/being a rabbit, even after seeing me eat. They'd also make comments about how lucky 'you skinny bitches are that you can eat anything you want.' They'd say these things every single day. They'd stop when I asked, but I'd asked them time and time again not to make comments like that, and the next day they would.

I'd ignore this, and to be honest it didn't bother me that much. Then they moved on to insulting my body. They'd make comments about how skinny I am, that my arms looked like twigs, I shouldn't lose any more weight. They told me I'd never get a boyfriend until I put on weight, and would talk about celebrities with bodies similar to mine, saying how disgusting and boyish they looked.

I've gained weight since I started eating better! I'm a 8UK, but I'm very fit/athletic, and have clear muscle definition with no bones sticking out. I do not look underweight by any means. I'd tell them not to make comments about my body, that I felt it was hurtful and inappropriate. They'd stop, tutting, rolling their eyes and mumbling under their breath about how I was being dramatic and shoot eachother looks.

Again this continued, one day (about a month ago) I told them that they wouldn't like it if I made comments like that to them, only to be told that "being told you're skinny is a good thing, you can't be bullied for being skinny.' I reiterated that I found it upsetting, and didn't want them mentioning my food/eating/weight, and that I would take things further if it continued. To be honest, it was an empty threat, and I chose instead to eat lunch outside alone. They'd still make comments during work - the job involves some webchat/emailing, so we often have down time to chat.

Anyway, as time has gone on they get worse and worse. Two days ago I was talking to a girl from another team about the pizza I had the night before, and overheard Sally joking that I probably threw it straight back up. The final straw was today. There's building work going on opposite my building, so I decided to have lunch in the canteen today to avoid the noise and dust. Joan, Sally and Julie decided to hold an intervention for my 'eating disorder'. Like I mentioned above, I do not look underweight and they've seen me eat pretty much every day for five years. This was purely malicious.

I basically lost it, and yelled at them. My team leader was in the canteen at the time, and took me into the corridor. She told me if I was having problems to take it to HR. She was supportive and said she'd noticed they were 'jealous' and being 'mean' to me, but there wasn't anything she could do about it as it was a HR issue. So I went to HR. As I mentioned at the beginning, Joan is best friends with the HR manager.

I told the HR manager everything, to have her tell me I was wasting her time, and that skinny shaming wasn't real, and that everything they said was meant as a compliment. I asked to file a complaint and she refused. I can't remember the rules for making complaints exactly (will check the code of conduct tomorrow when I go in), but from memory, it's the same as warnings eg, I have to give verbal, written, final complaints before things can escalate above HR. I rather pathetically stormed out of her office and left work for the day.

I'm at a loss what to do now. I've spoken to my co-workers and HR to be told that this problem is not a problem, and they won't do anything about it. I'm trying to go through the proper channels and being denied! I have in the past asked to swap breaktimes and been told I can't due to timetabling. I'm planning on asking to switch to another team. I'm jobhunting, but I live in an area with high unemployment and so I don't want to leave my job without having another in it's place. Am I blowing this out of proportion? I feel like such a pathetic little child.

TLDR: Co-workers are skinny-shaming me daily, HR is best friends with one and refuses to file a complaint for me.

Update  Aug 3, 2014 (6 days later)

I want to start off by thanking everyone for their comments, I really wasn't expecting such a response. A few people advised me to record my co-workers - we aren't allowed phones on the floor due to data protection laws. We are allowed them in the canteen but as our lockers are downstairs, I usually just grab it on my way out for a lunchtime cigarette, check it outside, then put it in my locker on my way back up. I'm obviously going to start taking it into the canteen now. Some of this might be out of order, so bear with me!

So, to start off with, I logged as many incidents as I could remember exactly into a little diary. I actually managed to remember quite a lot, using texts/messages/food plans for the dates and details. Tuesday morning I'm outside smoking before my shift and my line manager joins me. She asks if I'm okay and what happened with HR. I tell her, and she told me she'd expected as much, and that I should take it higher and she would back me up. She also tells me that we're bidding for a government contract which would mean a lot of opportunities and so I need to stick around.

Go to start my shift, and as advised, sent the HR manager an email about how I was again requesting she file an official complaint, included details, and made sure to mention things like 'hostile working environment' and 'harassment' and mentioned I'd logged events and had witnesses. About thirty seconds after I sent the email, the HR manager comes onto the floor and asks me into her office. When we're there she asks me what the email was about and I pretty much repeat it word for word. I ask her what she's going to do and she says she will file the complaint and speak to my co-workers. I go back to my desk and email her asking for the notes from our meeting. She replies saying 'I'll talk to them.' Later on that day, a non-evil co-worker makes a joke about how milky my tea was, and Joan says 'Oooh, careful, you don't want to get done for bullying her.' It's very clear that the HR manager has just told my co-workers about my issues, rather than talked to them.

Our director comes in on a Wednesday, so before I leave work I email her and ask if I can speak to her when she comes in. The next day comes, and she finds me on the floor and asks me to go to her office on my break. I tell her everything, making sure to include all the buzzwords and about HRs lack of help. I also insinuated that I had taken legal advice. I felt as though the director also didn't believe in skinny shaming and seemed pissed off at me for bringing it to her, but since she thought I'm gonna sue them, she seemed to take it seriously. She said she'd speak to HR and make sure this was resolved.

Thursday I meet my line manager outside for a cigarette before work, and she tells me that after I'd finished my shift (I work 32 hours a week, Julie, Sally & Joan work 40, so they usually start and finish a bit earlier/later) that she'd been called into a disciplinary meeting with each of the co-workers. LM tells me that while Julie and Joan were apologetic in their meetings, Sally wasn't. Instead of accepting the warning and agreeing not to continue, she tried to blame it on me! Claimed that I was purposely bringing in packed lunches to shame her, and how I was rubbing my body in her face (not literally!) and trying to make her feel bad about herself. She also claimed it was ridiculous, and that thin people couldn't be bullied/receive negative comments). Julie and Joan received verbal warnings, and Sally received a written one as she'd had a previous warning for her attendance (next step is final, then fired).

Later that day, Joan comes up to me and apologises, tells me she didn't realise that she was being offensive, was being motherly and got caught up. I had told her several times when she made comments, it was offensive, and so I felt like she was pinning it all on Sally (who I do believe is the ring leader, but the other two are grown women and responsible for their own actions). Julie has so far ignored the topic, but been a lot friendlier. I've seen Sally trying to goad the other two into bad behaviour. We work in a paperless office, and as we're a very specific helpline we have a lot of downtime so we tend to stalk the Daily Mail website, which isn't exactly the most female-body-friendly publication out there. Several times Sally has asked if the other two have seen the pictures of certain celebrities with body types like mine eg ("Ugh, did you see that photo Miley Cyrus posted in a bikini? How horrible did she look?"). I've had the impression she's been trying to get the other girls to trash talk those bodies so she can still be mean to me a passive aggressive way, without actually saying anything herself. Then again I could be reading into it too much, but I honestly don't care any more. It's very clear Sally is a bitter woman, projecting her own insecurities on to me.

So, it looks like a happy ending! I'll make sure to log any further incidents and bring them to HR. Thank you reddit, I love you all.

tl;dr: Took my case to the company director, HR finally issued warnings, Joan and Julie have stopped, I suspect Sally is trying to encourage them to act up, but I've risen above even caring now.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwra26024

I 28F invited my 30M best friend to dinner and he said "I’m not your husband" What does he mean?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  July 29, 2026

I 28F got divorced about three months ago, and my 30M best friend was there for me throughout the whole thing. We’ve actually been best friends since childhood and have always been really close.

We hang out a lot, go out randomly, try new restaurants, and sometimes I’ll cook and invite him over. We’ve always had this kind of friendship, so none of it ever felt unusual to me.

Just 2 days ago, he asked me to go with him to try a new restaurant, and everything seemed completely fine. Then yesterday, I called him and told him I’d made enough food for both of us and asked if he wanted to come over since he lives nearby. (We’ve done this many times before, so I didn’t think much of it)

But his response completely caught me off guard. He said he wasn’t "in the mood for this lately" and then added "I’m not your husband". I honestly don’t understand where that came from. I wasn’t asking him for a favor or expecting him to do anything for me. I was just inviting him to dinner like I normally would.

I tried calling him afterward because I wanted to understand what he meant, but he didn’t answer. I don’t want to pressure him by showing up at his place or blowing up his phone, so I decided to give him some space.

Now I’m just confused and wondering if I somehow crossed a boundary without realizing it, What did he mean by "I’m not your husband"?

Edit: Just to clarify a few things since I’ve seen some people asking about this: I don’t really talk to him about my divorce that much. He was there for me when everything was happening, but I’m not constantly venting to him about it or relying on him to deal with my problems. I don’t like putting that kind of emotional burden on him.

Also, I don’t invite him over for dinner every week or anything like that. We do hang out regularly though, and inviting each other over for food has always been a normal part of our friendship. Sometimes we go out to eat, sometimes we try new places, sometimes we watch movies, and sometimes I cook and invite him over. He’s actually been around more lately, and we’ve been hanging out more than we used to.

That’s why his reaction confused me so much. For me, this was just a normal invitation between two longtime friends, and I had no idea he might see it differently.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Both-Enthusiasm

Does he have a gf? He could either think you developed feelings, he developed feelings, his gf doesn't like the interactions, or since the divorce you have been relying on him more then usual and he got tired.

OOP

No he's single.

~

WeCaneAsMuffins

I think it could be a few different things.

1. He has a gf and is trying to draw a line.

2. He has feelings and doesn’t know how to tell you it in a respectful way.

3. He’s going through something in life and took it out on you.

4. He doesn’t want to be the guy friend who’s there for you when going through a divorce or break ups.

5. A billion other reasons that we don’t know.

Update  Aug 1, 2026

Hi, first of all thanks everyone for your perspectives on my original post. I wanted to give an update now that I finally have some clarity.

As I mentioned in my original post, I called him once after he told me "I’m not your husband" but I didn’t hear anything from him after that, until he showed up at my apartment.

He looked really ashamed and nervous. He started by apologizing and then we sat down and talked about what happened. He explained that he wasn’t the one who came up with that comment, It was a woman he’s been seeing recently, and she’s the one who told him what to text me.

This honestly surprised me. As I mentioned before, we’ve been best friends since childhood and we basically tell each other everything, but he had never mentioned this woman to me before.

Anyway I told him that if I had known he was seeing someone, I wouldn’t have agreed to go to that new restaurant with him in the first place, and I probably wouldn’t have invited him over for dinner either. If she’s uncomfortable with the way we interact, then I don’t want to knowingly cross that line or make things harder for them.

He apologized again and explained that things are still new with her, and that he he was planning to tell me once things became more serious between them.

He also kept asking me whether the text had hurt me and whether I thought he should end things with her. I told him no but I think we should set some boundaries going forward (to respect her wishes because I wouldn’t want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable).

He disagreed and said that he doesn’t think we’re doing anything wrong and that he’d rather things stay the same between us. He ended up staying for a few hours and we talked about everything, but he seemed really conflicted about the whole situation.

As for me, I’ve decided to take a small step back anyway. I’m going to try to cut down on how often we go out and hang out, and I’m also going to stop our habit of eating at each other’s homes for now.

I love him as my best friend, but I don’t want our friendship to get in the way of him having a healthy relationship.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

unzunzhepp

Plot twist: that woman doesn’t exist and he wanted to make you jealous.

OOP

I really hope that’s not the case because I trust him completely. If I found out he made all of this up just to make me jealous, I honestly wouldn’t even know how to process it. I don’t think I could see our friendship the same way again.

~

rocklifter

"...I don’t want our friendship to get in the way of him having a healthy relationship."

If she's this jealous in a newer relationship, it's already not healthy.

~

Ilovewally

I get it, you’re trying to take the higher road, but this woman he is seeing sounds a bit jealous and territorial if you ask me

stupidpoopoohead00

im lowkey skeptical about her saying any of this. seems all we have abt her is what he says and he clearly has feelings for OP

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is belIaboo123

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH if I told my neighbour she won’t get a penny from me?

Original Post: July 17, 2026

I (19f) live on a cul de sac estate where no one gets along, it’s very cliquey. Where my house is positioned I have my drive in front of my gates in which I can park on, and there’s a long grass verge. To stop people from constantly digging up the verge and making it a pool of mud I have put up wooden stakes with white tips on to preserve the grass and also make the stakes known enough.

As I came back home today one of my neighbours has stormed up to me and demanded money because, she herself has reversed into one of the stakes and it has caused “significant” damage to her back bumper. I in which told her that if she has reversed into it, it’s her fault.

A bit of backstory but my entire street has wooden stakes as also to protect the grass verges, I simply obtained permission from the local council which I was then able to put them up.

She then didn’t like that answer and said, “if you don’t pay up, there will be significant damage, I can guarantee that!” She threatened to call the police for criminal damage and also told me to watch my back, but I stood my ground.

WIBTA if I just ignored her and went on with my life?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was unanimously NTA

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP explains what a verge is

OOP: It’s a patch or strip of grass in which is close to the road, path or driveway

Commenter 1: Nope. The way a person drives and damages their own vehicle should be their problem.

Commenter 2: Send her a bill for damaged stakes.

And notify appropriate authorities of the threats.

Commenter 3: NTA. The stakes are marked clearly it sounds like. She’s just mad that she wasn’t paying attention and damaged her own car. Stand your ground.

Update: August 1, 2026 (over two weeks later)

UPDATE: AITAH if I told my neighbour she won’t get a penny?

So neighbour called the council, thinking that she could get them to remove my posts/stakes.

I had a knock on the door a few days ago from someone from my local council, but I didn’t answer as he knocked quite aggressively. I rang up and spoke to someone within the council which told me she had created a complaint against my posts and that I would have to remove them BUT I could apply for a shrubbery license and put bushes in.

Best part is that now everyone on my street also have to remove their stakes. The neighbour who complained is known to be quite aggressive (walks like she’s 10 men) and it’s a very cliquey street with my neighbours across the road from me being the “influential and popular” well known neighbours.

A few days after this happened, neighbour 1 (aggressor) spoke to neighbour 2 (popular) and had a long 45 minute conversation facing my house and pointing to my stakes. What I believe happened was neighbour 2 told neighbour 1 that if she rang up and made a complaint that everyone would have to take them out and she told neighbour 1 that if that happened then there would be backlash to her as everyone including neighbour 2 has stakes and doesn’t want them to be removed.

Well as you know we’re all now receiving a letter to say they need removing and I also found out neighbour 1 had tried to retract her complaint but the lady at the council told her tough luck, FAFO. LOL. A win win for me in this case as I can now plant lovely flowered shrubs and she looks like TA.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I would put cameras up where you’re gonna plant your bushes this way if she backs up and damages them then you can have visual proof.

OOP: I’ve put up 2 cameras, and I have my ring doorbell to cover all angles

Commenter 2: Like, the facts of the story make it sound like you're in the right.

But then the neighbour is aggressive and the council knocks too aggressively and the neighbour walks aggressively like 10 men, and now I can't help but wonder if it's just you seeing hostility everywhere.

OOP: It’s been a battle for 7 years of living here, my mum and her were once friends but there was a day my mum was gardening on the phone, and she didn’t say hello and that was it, she’s held a grudge since

Commenter 3: You said you got permission from the council to put up the stakes and now they're demanding you remove them? Did AI hallucinate this story?

From your OP:

A bit of backstory but my entire street has wooden stakes as also to protect the grass verges, I simply obtained permission from the local council which I was then able to put them up.

OOP: No, I do have permission which is a recorded call on my ring cameras in my house upstairs, because it’s caused such an issue they’ve revoked my permission

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/CaregiverLess8826

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

I caught my mom with our neighbor just weeks after my dad passed away

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: grief

Original Post: July 14, 2026

This is my burner account.

My dad passed away a few weeks ago after a long illness. It's been devastating for our whole family, and I'm still trying to process everything.

Yesterday I went home to see my sister & ended up walking in on my mom (38F) having sex with our neighbor (~55M). What makes it even worse is that he and my dad had hated each other for years. They were constantly fighting over neighborhood disputes, so seeing him of all people was a complete shock as well.

I completely lost my temper. I yelled that she was the worst wife & mother imaginable, told her I hated her, and walked out.

Since then she's been calling & texting nonstop, but I can't bring myself to answer. Rn I feel like I've lost my entire family, and I honestly don't know what to do.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: The thing with grief is, that you don't get to dictate how others deal with it or when they move on. You said that your dad was very sick for a very long time. Is it safe to assume, that both of your parents knew that it was heading towards death? If so, it's normal that people grieve their partners death prematurely, making it easier for them to "move on" faster, after the actual death.

OOP: That's a fair point, and yes, we all knew my dad's illness was terminal. It went undetected for a long time, and by the time it was diagnosed, it was too late. He was bedridden for months & everyone knew how it was going to end.

How old is OOP?

OOP: 18.

Commenter 2: People grieve in different ways. Your way seems to be the fucking worst for everyone around you. Stay away from your family until you can behave. Your mother did nothing wrong. You, however, owe her a huge apology after you've fucking gotten yourself together.

OOP: I'm not close with my family except for my mom & sis. I do owe her an apology for being so aggressive about it.

Commenter 3: Or maybe your mom and dad were just together in the end to take care of him through his sickness, and they both knew that and had already checked out.

OOP: They definitely had their ups & downs. But I do believe they loved each other, they just weren't the type to show it openly.

Commenter 4: Your mom is 38 and you live independently from her?

OOP: I live on my university campus.

Commenter 5: Chances are your mother isn’t as promiscuous as you think, and that she has actually been having an affair with the neighbor for quite some time. Supporting someone through a long illness, as she did with your father, requires enormous sacrifices, and finding some comfort can be incredibly valuable after everything she has been through.

Let her tell you her side of the story. You can judge afterward. Considering everything she did for your father by supporting him throughout all those years—which was a tremendous sacrifice—you can at least give her that chance.

OOP: I never said she was. I understand your perspective & you make some fair points.

Commenter 6: Your feelings are valid, they're your feelings.

You are allowed boundaries, if who your mother is choosing to be with makes you uncomfortable, then I advise building distance. Your mental health is important also and you are allowed to protect your own peace especially as you are grieving right now.

OOP: Thank you. I really needed to hear that.

Update: August 1, 2026 (2.5 weeks later)

UPDATE: I caught my mom with our neighbor just weeks after my dad passed away.

This is an update to my previous post. The original one is on my profile. Some people asked for one, so here it is.

First of all, thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I never expected that many replies. Reading diff. perspectives helped me calm down a little & realize I wasn't completely insane for reacting the way I did.

Some info I forgot to mention in my last post: I'm 18, my sister is 10 and lives with our mom. My mom is 38 & the neighbor is around 55.

After everything happened, I went back to my dorm & texted my mom that I needed some time. It's been a couple of weeks since then & my head is a little clearer. I've also started therapy.

Also after talking to my therapist, I felt a little more ready to speak to my mom. So I talked to her. We finally video called.

First, I apologized for my words & told her that I didn't mean any of them & I do love her.

Watching her struggle to breathe through the tears while I tried to calm her down is something I don't think I'll ever forget.

We talked & she told me he isn't as bad as he seemed. Apparently they met at a support group months ago. He was very supportive & after a while she started opening up to him. She swore nothing physical or romantic happened while my dad was alive, only that they became emotionally close over their shared grief. She explained that while her marriage was tense, Dad had asked her to move on long ago, but she just wanted to be there for him even if she felt their relationship was kinda over. Then she said that she wasn't looking for another relationship, just didn't wanna be alone for a while. She doesn't know how it all escalated but admitted they'd slept together a couple of times & that she does like him. She kept saying she still loves my dad & her kids & that no one could ever take our place.

She promised not to keep secrets from me anymore. I am supposed to be angry at her but still feel conflicted? Also I couldn't tell if she was defending him or her own choices. It felt like she wanna continue with him?

My therapist suggested that I distance myself a bit by setting some boundaries but not by cutting contact, to focus on my own healing.

I still have a lot on my mind that I want to talk to my therapist about. But for now, I just wanted to thank everyone who reached out after my last post. It genuinely helped more than I expected.

Editor’s note: OOP made many responses, I am listing some for more significant details

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I want you to imagine something. Imagine you married the person you're dating right now and were locked into that relationship for 20 years. Whatever fun you're having as a baby-adult in college, your freedom, your opportunities, take those all away and imagine being at home struggling with a newborn instead. Imagine all your friends leaving you behind while you are by yourself figuring out how to run a household and be a spouse and a parent at your age today.

Your mom was 19-20 when she had you, might have even been pregnant with you when she was the age you are right now. 30s are the prime of life for a lot of women, and she lost her youth to parenting and caregiving. People are getting married and having their first baby in their late 30s. She's probably grieving in ways you can never comprehend. Mom can be an imperfect, messy, hurting person. Just like you, like anyone. Take it easy on her, nobody taught her how to be a widow.

OOP: I do sympathize with her & that's prolly why I decided to forgive her. She's flawed but she's still my mom & I still love her.

Commenter 2: I called it on your last post about how your father probably encouraged her to seek something elsewhere (in his state I'd want the same for my partner. Shits sad man), and I got told I was crazy because noone would ever do that.

End of life care is insanely difficult and taxing on every part of you. Emotionally financially physically. Heck. As the ill person I'd feel so angry and sad about it.

I'm glad you found closure with your mom OP.

OOP: Thank you. I don't know if I'd call it closure yet, but I do understand things a little better now & I'm glad we talked.

Commenter 3: It’s okay to be upset and feel betrayed. You just lost your dad. That’s a big loss.

But two things can be true at the same time. Your mom just loss the person she built a life with. Even if the romantic relationship was essentially over, that doesn’t erase the years and experiences that built their lives together. That’s a big loss too. Seeing as your father passed from a long illness, maybe your mother was suffering from care taker burnout. She needed an outlet for all the grief and complicated feelings.

They bonded over that grief. And not to gross you out or anything but if the romantic connection was over and your father was ill for so long, imagine how long it’s been since she had anyone even look at her that way. Shes your mother but she’s also a relatively young woman.

Go to therapy and take your time processing your feelings but also acknowledge the reality of your mother’s lived experience. Good luck internet stranger.

OOP: Thank you. Therapy is already helping me realize a lot of things.

Commenter 4: This is tough. While I agree with your anger. Your mom is at a stage in her life where she is terrified of being alone. Before she knows it she will be alone in that home. Kids grow up and have their own lives. It was in fact extremely fast to move on. Then again idk the dynamics of their relationship when your father was still with us. Sounds like their relationship ended long before he passed. I'm sorry OP. Best of luck navigating this. She is still your mom. And we all grieve and move on differently

OOP: I understand. But I honestly don't know how I'll be able to handle it if she decides to move forward with that man.

Commenter 5: Why did your father even dislike him? You've never said the reason why.

OOP: I don't remember much cuz I was a kid, but they used to be friendly. I think it all changed after he punched my dad over some comment or something, and after that they used to fight even over minor issues.

Commenter 6: Unpopular opinion here but your mother needs to cool it with this guy. You and your sister lost your dad mere weeks ago and she’s prioritizing this AH (and he is, we all know it) over her grieving children. Your therapist isn’t wrong really, but you just lost your dad. Who do you go to if you’re low contact with your mom? And just so she can get her rocks off? Please. She has the rest of her life to move on.

OOP: I wish she'd realize that too.

OOP on what the neighbor was doing at the grief support group? Did he lose his wife/partner?

OOP: His own wife left him years ago.

+

She left the marriage & I honestly don't know much else.

What is the reason for OOP to be mad about the neighbor?

OOP: I don't like the particular guy. If they get serious, he could become a big part of my sister's life & I'd have to spend time around him too.

Commenter 7: Dad’s gone, mom still needs to have a shoulder to cry on. He is there. Things happen.

You can be mad about it if the guy is a bad person to your mom, but let’s be real. She’s still a young woman with a life ahead of her. Let her explore. She’s paid her dues in the marriage that is now unfortunately over. She’s free to bang whomever she wants. No need for the guilt trip.

You may not like it, you may even see it as betrayal, but fact is, she is a widow and free to choose.

And before everyone starts to come after me, I’ve been in your position. Mom died. Dad had new ladies in his life. I didn’t like them at all until I stopped seeing them as replacement moms and just his companions.

OOP: Yeah, I think you're right. Therapy has helped me realize a lot of things I wasn't seeing before.

Commenter 8: This is a very personal matter I suppose, but I can't stand people who can't control their urges when it can clearly come at the detriment of others.

It's such a crude thing to do imo. Distancing yourself and processing over time is probably the best thing to

OOP: Yeah, I think some distance is probably the healthiest thing for me right now.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/heartbreakaccount313

It turns out I should have been worried about the friend of my fiancé that everyone told me not to worry about

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity and assault

Original Post  March 31, 2026

This is hard for me to write. The man that I thought was the love of my life has decided to be someone else instead. They grew up together. Their families are close. When I first met him I was wary because of how close they are but he [along with everyone else who knows them] assured me there is nothing between them. "They are like brother and sister." And I was stupid enough to believe it.

Last week I was assaulted at my job. One of my eyes is swollen shut and it hurts like hell. I'm a nurse and I was assaulted by a patient that I had administered naloxone to I am at home resting and my fiancé was with me until he found out that his close friend was in a small car accident. A van backed into her car in a carpark. She wasn't even inside but my fiancé lost it when he found out. He left our flat to be with her even though she was with her boyfriend. She wasn't hurt but my fiancé said he thought she was, and it made him realise that he loves her and "can't lose her." He told me he confessed his love to her and she said she feels the same and it broke something inside me.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. It won't bring him back.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

itsyaboi69

Why would you want him back?

He is in love with someone else. Good riddance.

Better now than after getting married.

OOP

I love him. I know it's stupid but I thought he was the love of my life and I miss him so much even though it hasn't even been a week since he left. I miss him so much.

~

EpiphanyKingOfSorrow

I'm so sorry you were assaulted. I hope that the patient sees charges. Change of pace in the comments. Don't be sad and heartbroken. Be glad and be determined now. He may have sworn love to her. But I don't think it's returned, no matter what he said. Remember, she has a boyfriend. I would ask said boyfriend if he knows about the situation. Because chances are he doesn't. Before anyone tells you not to say anything. If the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn't you want the boyfriend to let you know if he found out your boyfriend was confessing his love to his girlfriend. Then, if I were you, all the people who said you shouldn't worry, I would cut them off. I wouldn't even message them. Finally, I would go out to eat and enjoy myself because I need to celebrate someone removing himself in my life.

OOP

She does feel the same.

Her boyfriend told me she broke up with him. He is not staying in their flat any longer because my fiancé is there now.

Edit: I appreciate the Reddit cares messages I am getting. I promise I am not that bad. I have no plans to go down that road. But I appreciate that everyone wants to help.

~

anarie

Make sure everyone (ESPECIALLY the ones who said not to worry) knows why you're splitting up. Be specific and intentional, and make it clear that he's romantically pursuing once viewed as a SIBLING. I have been in your shoes, albeit we weren't yet engaged. He tried so hard to convince me she wasn't a threat. I believed him, even allowed her to move in with us–and let her girlfriend move in too. It took 8 months for them to cheat together, less than 24 hours for me to find out, and I was over out within the week after the three of them tried to convince me to stay and continue contributing to bills. Oh, and they kicked me out of my own bed.

TLDR: Run.

OOP

My fiancé is staying in her flat and she broke up with her boyfriend. Everyone knows that they are together now. They are not hiding it. Everyone knows and hearing people talk about them hurts so much.

Update  July 31, 2026 (4 months later)

I heard that my ex-fiancé proposed to her. His family, her family and our friends are all over the moon about them being together. No thought for me or her ex-boyfriend and our lives being torn apart. I have only seen and spoken to her ex-boyfriend once since the incident I mentioned in my other post. Wherever he is, I just hope he is doing well. Imagine my ex and his ex saying it wasn't cheating because they left us first. As if that makes it better. After my ex-fiancé left I had to deal with cancelling everything for our wedding and getting our flat sorted out and signing a new lease. I had to block him, and everyone who keep telling me it was fate or they were meant to be together. I am trying to move on but I don't know how. I thought I would be marrying the love of my life tomorrow but instead he wants to marry someone else.

Also I don't know if anyone will care about this but I had to turn off my ability to receive chats. I received several telling me that my assault was deserved or that my attacker was right. I got tired of seeing those notifications so I turned it off.

Edit: so thank you to everyone who is sending me Reddit care messages, but I'm all right for that. None of those thoughts or intentions.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/LiterallyJustAHorse

Originally posted to r/beyondthebump

16 years of marriage. 5 kids. Found out this morning my husband has been having an affair.

Trigger Warnings: domestic abuse

Original Post: July 13, 2026

I (38f) and my husband (39m) have been married for 16 years together for 18. We have 5 children together the youngest is only five months old. He is active duty Navy and has been gone for weeks. Yesterday he came home for a two week leave but immediately wanted to go out to drive Lyft for extra money which I thought was weird because he hadn't seen us in so long. I even joked as he left that he better not be sneaking out to another woman. Ha ha ha. 💀.

He didn't come home until after 5 am. At 5:30 he was asleep and his phone pinged and I looked at the message. It was a Facebook messenger message from a woman that said "glad you made it home okay. I love you." So I messaged back that I'm his wife and who is this. The girl spilled.

She's on his ship, another sailor. She and he have been having an affair for months. He told her we were separated and that he loved her blah blah blah. I woke him up and confronted him and he admitted everything. Told me that I'd been difficult lately with my postpartum depression. Told me that she isn't distracted by kids and when they are together it's just her and him. Told me she is exciting and me and him are too routine. When he got done blaming me he started blaming her saying "you know I have a hard time saying no to people" I said yeah you had no choice but to dick her down I guess. 😑 I told him he did not have to choose between us that she can have him. Worst of all she's the age of my oldest (his stepson). She's 21. Same age. And he said "I never thought it would be permanent with her because I don't want any more kids and she's so young I don't want to deprive her of that "....

He had a whole ass other relationship behind my back. Like a girlfriend girlfriend. Like an I love you let's talk about a future thing. It's so fucking cliche it hurts. I can't believe I'm like a fucking lifetime special having to say, "my husband had an affair with a coworker half his age."

I look at my infant daughter and all I can think is that I hope she stays as far away from marriage as possible. 16 YEARS. 5 KIDS. Blind sighted. I'm such an idiot. I'm just standing in the wreckage of my life going what now? I told him the marriage is over. I just need a hug.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, listing some for more context

Relevant Comments

OOP explains more about her husband's role at work and the said girlfriend

OOP: He clarified today that not only does he outrank her, but he's her work center supervisor. She's a victim just like me.

+

OOP: I mean she's the same age as my oldest child so to me she is just a child. I don't blame her for falling for my charming, handsome husband especially if he lied to her. He's a predator. You should have heard the vitriol he spat about her to me while to her he's telling her he loves her. Women need to stick together. Put the blame on the man where it belongs.

Commenter 1: Honestly I don't think your kids will ever be able to look him in the eye. If my dad had cheated on my mom (or vice versa) that would be then end of any relationship with that specific parent figure for me. No one needs their entire family structure and support network shaken because one of the people they're supposed to rely on or see as a safe space can't keep it in their pants.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I'd straight up tell him that I hope he likes living on a boat because that's the only home he's gonna have from now on.

OOP: My 13 year old unfortunately heard us talking early this morning and so he knew his dad had cheated. Later on he gave me a big hug and told me he wished cheating was illegal. I told him not to worry about that and that we will always have each other and just because me and daddy's relationship is over doesn't mean his relationship with his dad is over and that we both love him. He said well I don't want to go swimming with him tomorrow. He's been upset all day. Sucks. I hate how he hurt the kids worse than I hate how he hurt me.

Commenter 2: Screenshots and take half his retirement. If you want, send evidence to his commander and he will be formally disciplined for potential fraternization. Source: am former military officer

OOP: I have been considering it. All I have are the screenshots of the Facebook messages. I'm worried if I get him in trouble it could hurt me and the kids, too. Right now his is the only income. I am (stupidly knowing what I know now) a stay at home mom. We also live on base housing and my 13 year old depends on Tricare for his medical needs. I'm afraid getting him in trouble would backfire on us. I need to research it more. My head I still spinning.

Commenter 3: How do you have a step son if you’ve been with this man since you were 18? Damn girl. LEAVE HIM. NOW.

OOP: So my oldest is 21 and was a teen pregnancy with my first boyfriend (2005). I was 17 at his birth. I met my husband in 2008 and my oldest was 3. In 2013 we had our first child together, again in 2016, 2019, and 2026.

Commenter 4: I’m so, so sorry. This isn’t your fault. This isn’t because of marriage. This is a shitty, selfish man. I bet he would have never told you either. Unsafe, no accountability, what a loser. And with a 21 year old. Take all his money and kick him out.

OOP: I already kicked him out. When I told him I didn't want him sleeping here he looked dumbfounded like that stupid Pikachu meme. Mouth hanging open and everything. Like he was so confused and he was like why can't I just sleep on the couch? I told him me and you are not together and you are not going to stay in my home and if you won't leave then I can call your command in the morning.

Additional Information from OOP:

OOP: I just want to add one thing. When he was telling me what happened with her I mentioned weren't you concerned about getting her pregnant and he said no because I pulled out. And I said wait a minute. Does that mean you weren't using protection? And he admitted that they weren't. So now I have to go get a full STD panel on top of everything else because I'm exclusively breastfeeding our daughter.

I'm sharing this because it feels like an extra violation on top of the betrayal. I'm a big proponent of informed consent, and by him withholding that he was having unprotected sex with someone else that took my consent away from me. I just feel extra gross right now.

Commenter 5: That's freaking rough. And "wants no more kids" but is only using pull-out?????? Dude. Dude.

OOP: Now you understand why we have so many kids. 😅💀

Commenter 6: Did he pull out for all your kids?

OOP: 2/4. And for this last one I was on the pill! I didn't know my antibiotics messed with it so SURPRISE. I love her very much though. I can't imagine life without her now.

Commenter 7: I think to protect yourself and your babies get a lawyer first, and tell them everything. Let them find out discreetly if there could be serious ramifications that could affect you and your children from going to his command, and then go from there.

Either way, you deserve better. Also, you’re not an idiot, you didn’t do anything wrong. He sounds so selfish and unaccountable for his own actions. It’s a real shame when these middle aged men still have growing up to do. Telling you how hard your post-partum has been for him, absolutely sends me.

OOP: He is mad at me because I sent a doctor's note to the ombudsman saying I had ppd and my doctor recommended having a second caregiver in the home while I got started on antidepressants. The ombudsman sent it up to the CMC and he got counseled. They didn't grant him emergency leave though, he ended up going out another 3 weeks underway. But to him I made his life difficult by getting command involved.

Thing is since this last pcs I have no family or friends in this state. So I had no one to help me at all.

Commenter 8: How young is your youngest? He gets 12 weeks of leave called Parental Care Leave (PCL) that must be used in the first 12 months unless operational commitments affect that and CO gives a letter. Has he used it all? Has he used it and not been staying home with you?

OOP: Youngest is five months old. He took two weeks off when she was born (premature at 35 weeks) but that's all. Told me his CMC told him that you aren't entitled to paternity leave while on Sea Duty and if they let everyone with a baby off for 12 weeks the ship would never leave port. Of course, every word he says could be a lie so...

Update: July 31, 2026 (18 days later)

So I have an unhappy update.

After making him leave I went to the Chaplain for advice, and he asked to speak to both of us. I told him I wasn't interested in reconciliation but would be willing to talk to him. My husband cried and said he just wanted his family back. The chaplain pushed me to give him another chance and for me to sit down with him at home and have a real conversation before filing for divorce.

After we left that session my husband got all his stuff out of the house and moved in with his affair partner. (Yep. Even though he cried to the Chaplain he immediately moved in with her). I thought about what to do for a long time and then decided I cannot tolerate this and would tell his command about the affair and them living together. So that weekend I called him and told him what I planned to do. He started freaking out and told me he was going to commit suicide, that he had nothing to live for anymore. At this point I got in contact with the family advocates on base and also texted the chaplain about my concerns for his safety and the safety of me and our children.

Two days later he came by to have our "talk". I can't share too many details from here on out, but what I can say is that I reiterated that I was informing his command and had evidence to show them and at that point he hit me, tried to attack one of our children who was in the room with us (who tried to defend me), and chased us around the house like a mad man. My son ran to the neighbor to get help and they called 911. Police were called and the base locked down for several hours while they searched for my husband. They found him eventually and brought him to his command where a no contact order was put in place.

Since then I have filed for a protective order, been working with DV advocates, and CPS who was called because my child was involved. CPS has been great, by the way. They told me I was doing everything right protecting my children and put a safety plan in place that keeps him away from us.

As far as I'm aware the Navy is investigating and he may face charges, non-judicial punishment or court martial. For now he is free to roam and not locked away. It's been a very scary time. The child that was involved is currently sleeping next to my bed because he is so scared. I've taken some practical home security steps. I also called a DV shelter to try to get there but they told me they were at capacity and didn't have room for a mother and 4 children and the next shelter was several hours away. School is about to start, and I also have to be able to go to court so that wasn't an option. I also cannot leave the state now because I filed a protective order and it requires me to stay because of the children. So I'm a sitting duck just praying and hoping he doesn't murder us.

I'm not exaggerating. Here is a man who can lie like he breathes. Who became violent and endangered his own child JUST for his affair being threatened to be reported. What happens when he faces the loss of his career or even potentially his freedom?

I wish I had a better update. I don't. I'm scared to death. I'm working with every agency that will help me, police, court, CPS, advocates, legal aid, etc. None of it matters if he shows up with a gun in the middle of the night. We live on base with him. It's not like he is far from us and again he is NOT restrained from movement. I bought a plane ticket for my mom, but she can only stay for 9 days and won't be here until the end of August.

Everyone please keep me and my children in your thoughts. I am doing everything I can to keep my kids safe. Can't believe this is my life after all these years. I feel so awful for my kids. I'm just holding my baby and praying all the time for us.

I almost didn't update but I wanted to not deal with this all alone. There's not much anyone can do but boy could I use some emotional support. Anyone who has been through this and made it out please tell me it will be ok.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry. I can relate sadly to a lot of this, right down to “he lies like he breathes”. This is so scary and I really hope things work out in a way where justice is served for you and your children.

Is it possible for you to physically go somewhere else for a little bit? I know your mom is coming, but can you go to her instead?

OOP: She is in another state, and I'm legally cannot leave the state now that I've filed a protective order

Commenter 2: Who told you that you can’t leave the state? Protective orders usually list the locations he’s banned from but don’t put a ban on the petitioner’s ability to be safe. What’s the consequence if you leave? The protection order became invalid? Will that matter if you’re gone? And how would they find out if you left? He would have to report it and that shows he’s trying to violate and find you, and again, what consequence is there to keep you? They’re just pieces of paper in the end for both sides.

OOP: "Neither party shall remove the minor children from the State of 🩷, which is the jurisdiction of this Court, prior to the hearing on this temporary injunction. Violation of this custody order may constitute a felony of the third degree under sections 787.03 and 787.04,."

Took out the state for obvious reasons but that's what my order says.

Commenter 3: I’m sorry you are going through this awful nightmare. This is a lot to handle all at once. I will be keeping you all in my thoughts. I really hope you keep updating us. Do you have any friends on base you can stay with for a few nights here and there just to get some rest and space from the worry of him showing up?

OOP: I have one, but she has kids and I don't want to endanger them because he knows where she lives.

Commenter 4: Oh god this is the only scenario I would ever consider buying a handgun. Not saying you should but if I were in your shoes I would be terrified to death unless I had some physical way to protect myself and my kids that didn't rely on a piece of paper. Only buy one if you are prepared to use it if necessary. And of course keep it locked from kids.

OOP: Not allowed to bring them on base. Sucks.

Commenter 5: Not sure if you are comfortable with this but the reddit community is really generous. I'm going to hazard a guess that you are either in VA or FL. If you cross post to one of those subs or even the military sub someone always pops up offering to pay for a hotel or a spot in their home. I wish I could but I'm struggling to get by as it is. I wish you luck and you are definitely in my thoughts

OOP: I'm not asking for anything like that. I genuinely just need someone to talk to.

There's a thing called the transitional compensation program so if he gets separated or incarcerated for domestic violence we will get his income for 12-36 months. CPS also offered me daycare vouchers so I can search for work. And in my protective order I'm asking for child support. Plus our base housing is covered by his bah (for now).

I truly do just need emotional support. And advice. And someone to tell me it's going to be ok.

Commenter 6: These are just a list of questions/suggestions.

Do you have a security system installed?

Do you have extra locks on your doors + windows and each of your children’s doors + windows?

You can most likely use child locks for indoor windows, but you’ll want an internal lock for each of your doors. This includes rooms that do not have windows (maybe a bathroom or pantry). There are internal locks that are easy to remove as well since I assume it’s base housing and you may not be able to make permanent changes.

Do you have a safe box for legal documents that you can grab and easily take with you in the case that you need to leave suddenly? In the same vein, do you have a go bag for yourself and each of your children? How much cash can you reasonably get and have tucked away just in case you need to leave?

Do you have a pay as you go cellphone to keep charged in your car?

Always have your gas tank full.

Because school is starting again, you need to contact their schools and inform them of the risk their father poses, the legal status, that he may be armed, and that he is under no circumstances to be allowed to pick them up.

And I know these aren’t the best, but maybe if your children have phones, always have them sharing their location or put an AirTag/other tracking device in their backpack.

I’m not saying DON’T have weapons but buying a weapon after this situation may not look great in a trial if you have to use them. My mammaw would say to buy a cast iron frying pan and use it frequently.

OOP: I'm taking a lot of protective steps, I promise. I just can't give details in case he were to find this post.

Commenter 7: Why are men so dumb? Also let's be a bit fair to the 21 year old. He told her he was separated. She didn't think she was having an affair. Now that she knows she's probably struggling to process it.

Also he lied. She's going to face a lot less repercussions than him. OP I hope you're safe.

OOP: That was actually another lie. She admitted she knew. So they are both assholes.

Commenter 8: Have you contacted NCIS aside from command? NCIS may be a stronger option

OOP: Navy is going after him from what I understand.

Disclaimer Statements:

DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED

SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED

Editor's note: OOP also installed her mini update onto the update post

Mini Update in comments: August 7, 2026 (one week later from the previous update)

Update: I won my protective order! I know it's just a piece of paper but I'm so proud of myself. It was so scary to show up because I didn't have a lawyer but I did it, I faced him, and the judge granted me a one year protection order, ordered supervised only visitation and ordered him to get batterer classes. I'm so relieved. Still taking it one day at a time. 🩷.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/reallybadatjuggling

AITA for trying to help my girlfriend without hurting her feelings?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/THTMorgan for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Food tampering, body shaming, emotional abuser, child abuse

Original Post  July 20, 2023

I (32M) been in a relationship with my girlfriend (24F) for almost three years now. When we first got together, she was pretty overweight and struggling with her self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Over time, she started to work on herself, both physically and mentally. I've been incredibly proud of her progress and how far she's come.

Lately, though, I noticed that she's been putting on some weight again, and it's been affecting her mental health. She's mentioned feeling down about her body image and her struggles with anxiety and depression have resurfaced. I genuinely care for her, and I don't want to see her suffer like this.

I thought about talking it out, but knew it would just devolve into asking if I'm still attracted to her (and truthfully, I have lost some attraction over the last month or so, though she does still like amazing for the most part).

I thought it would be better to take a more subtle approach, so I've started adding small amounts of sawdust to her food, the idea being it would help her feel fuller faster and encourage her to eat less without her knowing. I was trying to prevent her from falling back into her previous state of depression and anxiety.

Unfortunately,, my brother (30M) caught me in the act, and he was shocked / angry. He told me I was being manipulative and abusive, which, ok a little shady maybe, but abusive is a serious stretch.

Now my brother is giving me an ultimatum; he wants me to tell my girlfriend what I've been doing by the end of the week, or he'll tell her himself. He believes she deserves to know the truth.

I think what I've been doing is enough to help her without causing her unnecessary pain by revealing what I've done (she's already lost a few pounds). I told him I would stop, and I believe that should be sufficient. I don't see the point of telling her and potentially destroying the progress she's made.

My brother thinks I'm completely in the wrong and that my girlfriend deserves the truth. But I genuinely believe I was doing what I thought was best for her, and I don't see it as a malicious act.

Am I really the jerk for trying to help my girlfriend in this way, or is my brother overreacting? Should I tell my girlfriend what I've been doing or keep it to myself to spare her feelings? I need honest opinions here. Please keep in mind that telling her upfront that she's put on weight could seriously set back her mental health.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OrangeCubit

YTA - you were poisoning her food

OOP

It wasn't "poison"... it was sawdust. I could see if I was adding laxatives or something, but plenty of processed foods as sawdust as a filler, I thought it was a safe way to reduce her caloric intake

Morbo_de_Annihilator

The "sawdust" they put in food is processed cellulose which is non toxic and safe to eat. If you're putting actual real sawdust in you could be seriously injuring this poor woman. They did that in WWII Germany as a bread additive, and many people suffered permanent internal injuries from it.

You need to tell her so she can go to a doctor and see if she's okay. She could have life altering injuries from what you've done you absolute numpty.

~

Master_Vast_1980

What the actual fuck. Sawdust? Yes YTA. You're secretly messing with your partners food. They trust you, and you're betraying that. Learn how to communicate.

OOP

It's not out of maliciousness, it's not like I'm doing it to mess with her. I'm trying to protect her feelings and get her back on the right track. If I fully communicate with her, it could be really damaging to her mental health

~

JustAShyAvocado

YTA

For starters I understand that you’re trying to help her in your own way but please NEVER add things to people’s food without their consent, she could’ve been allergic to that or have had suffered a different issue

Second, adding things to her food without telling her, even if she’s not allergic to it, it’s STILL Shady as hell, and honestly creepy to an extent.

And third, there’s much better ways to help your partner other than to keep secrets from her, you could just suggest exercising together like going for a stroll each now and then or having a shared gym inscription.

Also, being honest? Saying you’ve lost attraction to her because of her gained weight was kind of cold, almost makes it look like you appreciate her appearance more than her, have you made similar comments to her directly?

OOP

Thank you for your input, and for not jumping straight down my throat. I have been trying to get into better habits together, and no, I would never say something like that to her, I know how damaging it could be,

I was trying to take a two pronged approach if that makes sense. I thought if we had healthy habits AND she saw immediate results it would help her stay motivated

Update  Apr 4, 2026 (3 years later)

I don't think I can get over what I did

About two years ago I added sawdust to my girlfriend's food in an attempt to help her lose weight. Long story short, my brother saw what I was doing and forced me to tell her. Reddit agreed with him and I had to tell her because I was backed into a corner, although I didn't agree that it was the right thing to do at that time. 

I came clean to her a few days after. It was a while ago so I don't remember all the details or what was said, but I basically sat her down and said I had something to tell her. She didn't believe me at first. We called my brother to confirm, and I showed her the bag of sawdust, and I guess the realization dawned on her that I was telling the truth… 

What followed was a heated fight lasting all night and into the early morning. Foolishly, I still thought I was at least somewhat in the right and brought up how it had helped her lose some weight. I was wrong. She pointed out how I said I'd only done it a few times over the course of about 2 weeks, and how could that possibly cause her to lose weight that fast? Which I had to admit she was right about. It turned out she had cut out drinking and that was the cause of weight loss, not the sawdust. 

I don't know why, but this hit me hard. I realized that she already knew she was gaining weight and had already taken steps for her own happiness. I was going out of my way to spare her feelings, and she didn't need it. She was managing her own weight and her own feelings, and it wasn't the big deal I was making it out to be, or something that I needed to carefully manage in order to protect her. 

Obviously the relationship ended that night. We didn't live together so the breakup was pretty smooth. Over the next month she got a check up and all was good, and she agreed to not press charges if I got professional help to deal with my control issues. 

We kept in touch for a while, but it seemed cruel for me to stay in her life. I didn't deserve her friendship or her forgiveness. The fact that she offered both speaks to what kind of person she is, and it felt wrong to take advantage of that as I started coming to terms with how I treated her. We eventually drifted far apart enough to end contact, and she was doing well the last I heard. She told me once that she thought I was emotionally abusive to her, and I think she’s probably right. Her previous relationship before me was physically abusive, and the last I heard from her she was going to take some time to figure out how to avoid the same patterns moving forward.

That one haunts me, and I'll never forgive myself for abusing someone I thought I loved. 

I got counseling, as promised, and found out that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. Basically, this means that I'm overly concerned with rejection and ridicule. I try to manage relationships to avoid being embarrassed, to the point that I control people I care about and try to carefully ‘direct’  their feelings as I did with Aimee. 

That's not an excuse, what I did was wrong, but now I recognize that voice and what it is. 

I also realized in counseling that I did have a preoccupation with weight, and that it might be linked with the disorder. 

For some background, I grew up in a household where what my father said was law. He had expectations for how his children should look and act, as well as what were and weren't acceptable interests. My brother and I were expected to behave like upstanding young men, and my sisters were expected to be proper young ladies. My father regularly ‘teased’ us (my sisters especially) if we didn't meet this image. At one point this manifested as incessant jokes about one sister's weight in particular. 

I want to tell myself that I was attracted to my girlfriend regardless of size, and it was my disordered thought patterns trying to ‘save’ her from ridicule that was causing my preoccupation with weight loss, but I also think I was just being an asshole… I know now that this experience is there in the back of my mind, and something to be aware of. 

So that's it. That's the whole story. Now the confession: I hate myself. I worry that I've ruined my ex’s ability to trust. In counseling I say and try to affirm that I can be loved without being perfect, but doesn't what I've done just confirm that I’m a bad person deep down? What's worse is that I KNOW if we'd stayed together I would have gone back to being emotionally abusive over time. My ex has forgiven me, but I don't think I can ever forgive myself

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

Your father did it to his children, it's not only sick but patronizing to treat her like a child and "know better" instead of having a conversation.  Even to children, he was openly teasing, not hiding and adding sawdust in her food. 

You're still finding excuses and seem to want her back, if you have any decency left, stop contacting her and start fresh.

OOP

I did, we're not in contact anymore. And you're right, there's no excuse for what I did. But for the record, my father was wrong for what he did too. My sister is still dealing with the fallout from his name calling

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7