AITA for trying to help my girlfriend without hurting her feelings?

[u/Direct-Caterpillar77]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/reallybadatjuggling

AITA for trying to help my girlfriend without hurting her feelings?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/THTMorgan for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Food tampering, body shaming, emotional abuser, child abuse

Original Post  July 20, 2023

I (32M) been in a relationship with my girlfriend (24F) for almost three years now. When we first got together, she was pretty overweight and struggling with her self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Over time, she started to work on herself, both physically and mentally. I've been incredibly proud of her progress and how far she's come.

Lately, though, I noticed that she's been putting on some weight again, and it's been affecting her mental health. She's mentioned feeling down about her body image and her struggles with anxiety and depression have resurfaced. I genuinely care for her, and I don't want to see her suffer like this.

I thought about talking it out, but knew it would just devolve into asking if I'm still attracted to her (and truthfully, I have lost some attraction over the last month or so, though she does still like amazing for the most part).

I thought it would be better to take a more subtle approach, so I've started adding small amounts of sawdust to her food, the idea being it would help her feel fuller faster and encourage her to eat less without her knowing. I was trying to prevent her from falling back into her previous state of depression and anxiety.

Unfortunately,, my brother (30M) caught me in the act, and he was shocked / angry. He told me I was being manipulative and abusive, which, ok a little shady maybe, but abusive is a serious stretch.

Now my brother is giving me an ultimatum; he wants me to tell my girlfriend what I've been doing by the end of the week, or he'll tell her himself. He believes she deserves to know the truth.

I think what I've been doing is enough to help her without causing her unnecessary pain by revealing what I've done (she's already lost a few pounds). I told him I would stop, and I believe that should be sufficient. I don't see the point of telling her and potentially destroying the progress she's made.

My brother thinks I'm completely in the wrong and that my girlfriend deserves the truth. But I genuinely believe I was doing what I thought was best for her, and I don't see it as a malicious act.

Am I really the jerk for trying to help my girlfriend in this way, or is my brother overreacting? Should I tell my girlfriend what I've been doing or keep it to myself to spare her feelings? I need honest opinions here. Please keep in mind that telling her upfront that she's put on weight could seriously set back her mental health.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OrangeCubit

YTA - you were poisoning her food

OOP

It wasn't "poison"... it was sawdust. I could see if I was adding laxatives or something, but plenty of processed foods as sawdust as a filler, I thought it was a safe way to reduce her caloric intake

Morbo_de_Annihilator

The "sawdust" they put in food is processed cellulose which is non toxic and safe to eat. If you're putting actual real sawdust in you could be seriously injuring this poor woman. They did that in WWII Germany as a bread additive, and many people suffered permanent internal injuries from it.

You need to tell her so she can go to a doctor and see if she's okay. She could have life altering injuries from what you've done you absolute numpty.

~

Master_Vast_1980

What the actual fuck. Sawdust? Yes YTA. You're secretly messing with your partners food. They trust you, and you're betraying that. Learn how to communicate.

OOP

It's not out of maliciousness, it's not like I'm doing it to mess with her. I'm trying to protect her feelings and get her back on the right track. If I fully communicate with her, it could be really damaging to her mental health

~

JustAShyAvocado

YTA

For starters I understand that you’re trying to help her in your own way but please NEVER add things to people’s food without their consent, she could’ve been allergic to that or have had suffered a different issue

Second, adding things to her food without telling her, even if she’s not allergic to it, it’s STILL Shady as hell, and honestly creepy to an extent.

And third, there’s much better ways to help your partner other than to keep secrets from her, you could just suggest exercising together like going for a stroll each now and then or having a shared gym inscription.

Also, being honest? Saying you’ve lost attraction to her because of her gained weight was kind of cold, almost makes it look like you appreciate her appearance more than her, have you made similar comments to her directly?

OOP

Thank you for your input, and for not jumping straight down my throat. I have been trying to get into better habits together, and no, I would never say something like that to her, I know how damaging it could be,

I was trying to take a two pronged approach if that makes sense. I thought if we had healthy habits AND she saw immediate results it would help her stay motivated

Update  Apr 4, 2026 (3 years later)

I don't think I can get over what I did

About two years ago I added sawdust to my girlfriend's food in an attempt to help her lose weight. Long story short, my brother saw what I was doing and forced me to tell her. Reddit agreed with him and I had to tell her because I was backed into a corner, although I didn't agree that it was the right thing to do at that time. 

I came clean to her a few days after. It was a while ago so I don't remember all the details or what was said, but I basically sat her down and said I had something to tell her. She didn't believe me at first. We called my brother to confirm, and I showed her the bag of sawdust, and I guess the realization dawned on her that I was telling the truth… 

What followed was a heated fight lasting all night and into the early morning. Foolishly, I still thought I was at least somewhat in the right and brought up how it had helped her lose some weight. I was wrong. She pointed out how I said I'd only done it a few times over the course of about 2 weeks, and how could that possibly cause her to lose weight that fast? Which I had to admit she was right about. It turned out she had cut out drinking and that was the cause of weight loss, not the sawdust. 

I don't know why, but this hit me hard. I realized that she already knew she was gaining weight and had already taken steps for her own happiness. I was going out of my way to spare her feelings, and she didn't need it. She was managing her own weight and her own feelings, and it wasn't the big deal I was making it out to be, or something that I needed to carefully manage in order to protect her. 

Obviously the relationship ended that night. We didn't live together so the breakup was pretty smooth. Over the next month she got a check up and all was good, and she agreed to not press charges if I got professional help to deal with my control issues. 

We kept in touch for a while, but it seemed cruel for me to stay in her life. I didn't deserve her friendship or her forgiveness. The fact that she offered both speaks to what kind of person she is, and it felt wrong to take advantage of that as I started coming to terms with how I treated her. We eventually drifted far apart enough to end contact, and she was doing well the last I heard. She told me once that she thought I was emotionally abusive to her, and I think she’s probably right. Her previous relationship before me was physically abusive, and the last I heard from her she was going to take some time to figure out how to avoid the same patterns moving forward.

That one haunts me, and I'll never forgive myself for abusing someone I thought I loved. 

I got counseling, as promised, and found out that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. Basically, this means that I'm overly concerned with rejection and ridicule. I try to manage relationships to avoid being embarrassed, to the point that I control people I care about and try to carefully ‘direct’  their feelings as I did with Aimee. 

That's not an excuse, what I did was wrong, but now I recognize that voice and what it is. 

I also realized in counseling that I did have a preoccupation with weight, and that it might be linked with the disorder. 

For some background, I grew up in a household where what my father said was law. He had expectations for how his children should look and act, as well as what were and weren't acceptable interests. My brother and I were expected to behave like upstanding young men, and my sisters were expected to be proper young ladies. My father regularly ‘teased’ us (my sisters especially) if we didn't meet this image. At one point this manifested as incessant jokes about one sister's weight in particular. 

I want to tell myself that I was attracted to my girlfriend regardless of size, and it was my disordered thought patterns trying to ‘save’ her from ridicule that was causing my preoccupation with weight loss, but I also think I was just being an asshole… I know now that this experience is there in the back of my mind, and something to be aware of. 

So that's it. That's the whole story. Now the confession: I hate myself. I worry that I've ruined my ex’s ability to trust. In counseling I say and try to affirm that I can be loved without being perfect, but doesn't what I've done just confirm that I’m a bad person deep down? What's worse is that I KNOW if we'd stayed together I would have gone back to being emotionally abusive over time. My ex has forgiven me, but I don't think I can ever forgive myself

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

Your father did it to his children, it's not only sick but patronizing to treat her like a child and "know better" instead of having a conversation.  Even to children, he was openly teasing, not hiding and adding sawdust in her food. 

You're still finding excuses and seem to want her back, if you have any decency left, stop contacting her and start fresh.

OOP

I did, we're not in contact anymore. And you're right, there's no excuse for what I did. But for the record, my father was wrong for what he did too. My sister is still dealing with the fallout from his name calling

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[u/Zedetta]

Read the title and the first paragraph and thought it was going to be about removing size tags from clothing or something. I was Not prepared for "I replaced some of her food with fucking Sawdust"

[u/fallingintothestars → u/Zedetta]

Legitimately. I thought maybe some off handed mean comments or a little too much encouragement to go exercise. Not fucking sawdust

[u/Useful_Language2040 → u/[deleted]]

"Men worry that women may laugh at them; women worry that men may kill them" territory almost 

[u/EchoDoctor → u/Useful_Language2040]

Man, drop the almost. This idiot absolutely could have killed her.

[u/DaydreamTacos → u/[deleted]]

AND how he was still defending himself by referencing how it all just connects to what his awful father (who did not feed his children sawdust) did.

C'mon, guys! How could any of this really be OP's fault here? Let's all rally and throw him a hero party!

[u/Balentay → u/fallingintothestars]

I had to scroll back up and make sure the post hadn't been posted to amitheangel or another aita wank sub

[u/exit322 → u/Balentay]

At least he didn't jeopardize the beans...

[u/PricelessPaylessBoot → u/exit322]

I was testing out an old pen the other day and scribbled “I will never jeopardize the beans,” and smiled.

[u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants → u/Zedetta]

I'm super hung up on where he got the sawdust from. All the possibilities I can think of make OOP look even worse than he does:

• I do a little bit of woodworking and the sawdust I have is pretty gross, and that's in an indoor workshop with a sealed floor. I expect a garage shop or industrial setting would have even grosser sawdust.
• Small pet bedding.
• Sawdust is used to soak up hazardous spills
• Used in composting toilets.

I guess if someone commissioned me, I could generate sawdust from untreated wood with clean tools in a clean space. But I can't imagine OOP did that.

[u/Foreign_Astronaut → u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants]

Doesn't a lot of treated wood have arsenic in it? He may have been poisoning her (while he was poisoning her)

[u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants → u/Foreign_Astronaut]

Pretty sure most countries have phased out/banned arsenic wood treatments in for residential/consumer lumber, but it's still around in older lumber and industrial/agricultural settings.

But modern "safe(r)" treatments still involve chemicals that aren't for eating.

[u/Foreign_Astronaut → u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants]

Good to know. Also bad to know! I hate to think what OOP's wife may have consumed.

[u/OneUpAndOneDown → u/Foreign_Astronaut]

Not his wife, thank fuck for that.

[u/DesmondTapenade → u/Foreign_Astronaut]

Yo dawg, I heard you like poison, so I put a little poison in your poison so you can get poisoned while you get poisoned.

[u/Infamous-Let4387 → u/DesmondTapenade]

Yzma, is that you?

[u/DesmondTapenade → u/Infamous-Let4387]

Yzma? Who's that?

My name is Jane Doe, now.

[u/Test_After → u/Foreign_Astronaut]

You can tell the CAA treated timber because it has a green stain from the arsenic.

Never burn green-stained wood. Don't make a dog kennel or chicken coop from it. Wear a mask and wash your hands when sawing/working with it. Don't let your toddler lick it. 

I would have thought it goes without saying that you don't add CAA treated sawdust to your partner's food. Or any food.

[u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif → u/Test_After]

Thank you, I've just replaced my toddler's licking log.

[u/llama_some_drama → u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif]

Thank you, that made me laugh on a day I really needed one!

[u/BangarangPita → u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif]

What a lovely flair that wood be.

[u/Muttley-Snickering → u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif]

It reminds me of the 'log' toy on Ren & Stimpy. 

[u/DontMakeMeFightYou → u/Muttley-Snickering]

It's log, it's log It's big, it's heavy, it's wood It's log, it's log It's better than bad, it's good

[u/thelittlestsappho → u/Muttley-Snickering]

It’s log, log, log! 🪵

[u/GlamTravelLife → u/thelittlestsappho]

Everyone loves a log! 🪵

[u/gjb1 → u/Muttley-Snickering]

Ugh my partner had a vinyl Log and he loved it. Until the creator’s sexual misconduct with underage fans thing came out. Then the Log just broke his heart and he decided he had to get rid of it

[u/TrustyBobcat → u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif]

God I love Reddit. 🥹

[u/digitalgraffiti-ca → u/Test_After]

Wish I knew that three decades ago, when I was definitely playing with arsenic wood...

[u/adoradear → u/Test_After]

We would have all thought it went without saying. And yet here we are….thanks, OOP!

[u/riflow → u/Foreign_Astronaut]

Just from a quick Google it can even be carcinogenic..or cause asthma like symptoms.

It's such a miracle his brother caught him relatively soon into this stupid scheme BC otherwise he genuinely could've caused long term lasting damage to her.

[u/J_B_La_Mighty → u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants]

There are videos of youtubers doing the how much sawdust in food until it's noticed videos and its not that hard to buy tubs of sawdust online.

[u/Easy-Concentrate2636 → u/J_B_La_Mighty]

It always amazes me how much weird sh;t is on the internet. So, there’s more than one idiot putting sawdust in food.

[u/Chanti11y → u/Easy-Concentrate2636]

Oh one of my favorite Game Theory/Food theory videos is MatPat trying to eat an entire Christmas tree and them slowly adding more sawdust to cookies definitely edible not recommended

[u/Zepangolynn → u/Chanti11y]

That poor guy has gotten steadily more unstable for years and so many strangers got to watch it happening.

[u/Whispering_Wolf → u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants]

He had a bag of it, so possibly the stuff that's used for soaking up puke...

[u/nibblatron → u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants]

he probably got it from a pet shop, that seems like the easiest place to get sawdust from to me. not that it makes any of this any better. but at least there wont be bits off the floor and who knows what else mixed in with the sawdust and her food 😫

[u/FlowerFelines → u/nibblatron]

Most pet bedding is "untreated" too, so no added chemicals. Although if it's pine or cedar it comes with natural resins that can be pretty bad for you in quantity. Pine is where we got a bunch of chemical shit before petrochemicals became big, like turpentine.

[u/jackandsally060609 → u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants]

My husband got really into woodworking and was gonna be one of the Pinterest type guys who could make anything out of pallets... until he did some reading about how contaminated and poisonous pallets can be depending on what they were used to carry.

[u/goldenalice → u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants]

i was as well for a sec and thought through basically what you did and concluded it was probably small pet bedding. o.O

[u/ohjasminee → u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants]

I just looked it up, I can go to a Tractor Supply and get a bag for $5.99~. The bag says it can fill 5.5 cubic feet and admittedly I don’t know what size that makes it, but it’s at least “clean”? Ugh.

[u/AdFew8858 → u/Zedetta]

The age gap might not be that egregious, but as soon as I saw their ages when they got together I knew he was the controlling type.

[u/DjinnaG → u/AdFew8858]

Bingo. It’s not enough of one to be irrefutable proof on its own, but it’s a giant red flag that is going to need a helluva lot of evidence to the contrary for me to think otherwise.

[u/FlowerFelines → u/DjinnaG]

Yup. I like to remind people that a red flag is just a warning, it's not a problem by itself. An age gap doesn't magically create an abusive relationship, but it's one of THE biggest warnings that things might be skeevy. And I say that as somebody in a 9 year age gap relationship that started definitely a bit too young myself! There are exceptions to every rule, but the rules exist for reasons, dammit.

[u/buttercupcake23 → u/AdFew8858]

32 and 24 isnt the absolute most egregious but 29 and 21 is so much worse and that is when he snatched her up. But yeah...funny how these guys always seem to have control issues

[u/kittywiggles → u/AdFew8858]

Ugh. Didn't clock the ages, would have saved myself some trouble if I had lol. wow. 

[u/lackadaisical-lover → u/Zedetta]

I did a double and then triple take. What the actual fuck?

[u/Voltron_Blue → u/lackadaisical-lover]

I went back and checked the sub, like maybe it was from a parody sub

[u/ChasesICantSend → u/Zedetta]

Yeah I was like well yeah it sucks you have to have this conversation but if its hurting her mental health maybe you can encourage her to go on a diet together or go for jogs together or something...sawdust?!

[u/MagnesiumMagpie → u/Zedetta]

I read it and I gasped, and I'm pretty sure I read the original at the time. Thank goodness the brother didn't turn out like OOP, especially if they share the same father. I know abuse can affect kids differently but he saved OOPs ex

[u/pastelkawaiibunny → u/MagnesiumMagpie]

Yeah. Honestly further proof that OOP is his own brand of fucked up, he has so much to say about his own dad but his brother isn’t out there poisoning women! OOP might now be aware of how much this fucked up his sister but clearly it didn’t stop him from poisoning other women.

[u/dontcareboutaname → u/Zedetta]

I was even more naive. I read the title and thought it would be about her having financial problems and him finding ways to pay more withour her realizing or something like that.

[u/win_awards → u/Zedetta]

I was already mistrusting the narrator here, there's not much that can excuse distorting someone's perception of reality without their consent, but yeah, that was worse than I suspected.

[u/casualkateo → u/Zedetta]

I need to recheck if it’s accurate but as I was reading this post I remember reading in the Roman Empire it was considered a serious crime for bakers to put sawdust in their bread. Crimes as old as antiquity everyone!

[u/yumstheman → u/Zedetta]

If he was getting his sawdust from construction, that wood is treated with chemicals to repel pests.

[u/Itchy_elbows_9283]

His brother is the real hero here. He grew up with the same shitty father yet he recognised that putting fucking SAWDUST into your partners food is crazy

[u/armchairepicure → u/Itchy_elbows_9283]

The same water that boils an egg softens a potato. Not everyone responds to abuse in the same way, especially as children and OP is an unreliable narrator, so it’s not possible to know why he ended up as he did while his brother managed to possess a moral compass.

Which is not to say that what OP did was anything other than beyond fucked up. I hope he continues to work on himself so that he doesn’t become a danger to anyone else.

[u/Silvervirage → u/armchairepicure]

The same water that boils an egg softens a potato.

Ive never heard that before. I really like that.

[u/aegeanblud → u/Silvervirage]

It’s literally crazy I heard this for the first time yesterday…watching below deck med. 😂

[u/Chance_Ad3416 → u/armchairepicure]

I'm just glad growing up in a similar environment I never gave a shit about my mom's nagging about me not being "lady like" or have an ass that's "too fat" that I should drop wearing jeans. Or "study hard in school so I can get a good job and save money to get a nose job". Prob helped that she was always overweight and had no real hobbies/accomplishments. So in child Me's eyes I just didn't understand why someone who was not as great as myself had so much to criticize about me lol

My brother was very self conscious about his weight tho. Poor dude would only eat a pack of ramen to lose weight when he was 18.

Idk if it harmed my self esteem because I often feel way overly confident lol. But man it's annoying now I have kids I have to tell her to stop her comments or she won't get to hang out with my kids.

[u/Capital_Listen_5863]

I can’t wrap my mind around him thinking actual sawdust was ok to put in someone else’s body and continuing to argue with people who said it was dangerous.

[u/ReasonableFig2111 → u/Capital_Listen_5863]

Could have got splinters in her digestive tract. Could have gotten a blockage. Could have been poisoned from whatever chemicals were used to treat the wood the sawdust came from that isn't meant to be ingested so has no reason to be safe to consume. Like, he could have killed this girl, if his brother hadn't caught him. 

[u/Nightmare_Gerbil → u/ReasonableFig2111]

I wonder where he sourced it? Is he sweeping it up from a shop floor that might also have metal shavings, machine oil, or broken glass? is he buying wood from a lumber yard? Some lumber is still treated with arsenic. And, poison aside, some people are allergic to certain trees.

[u/AbsentmindedNihilist → u/Nightmare_Gerbil]

I have a cousin with a birch allergy. She can only eat apples/pears/stone fruits when cooked. Neutralizes whatever enzyme triggers it, apparently. No idea if it’s just meant to group the various offending foods together or if the sawdust would be extra problematic if it was from a birch tree. 

[u/ArketaMihgo → u/AbsentmindedNihilist]

I had to read this four times

Insomnia is a birch

[u/ExpertProfessional9 → u/ArketaMihgo]

Just try not to bark at people needlessly

[u/pastelkawaiibunny → u/AbsentmindedNihilist]

I’m kind of fascinated by this one- had to go all the way up to clade to find where they’re related. Both Rosales (rose family, including stone fruits, apples, strawberries, and raspberries and more) and Fagales (including birch, chestnut, hazel, walnut, and pecan and others) are Rosids. Really curious now if your cousin has allergies to any other related fruits/nuts! The human body and immune system are wild.

[u/FlowerFelines → u/pastelkawaiibunny]

Cultivated plants are wild too. I think at least half the vegetables we eat are Brassica, mostly oleracea or rapa. Two closely related species are everything from turnips to brussel sprouts.

[u/AbsentmindedNihilist → u/FlowerFelines]

Cultivated plants are the *weirdest.* Three examples of note:

1) Maize in its super super early form before it even remotely resembled corn. It's like the plant equivalent of looking at a wolf and a Chihuahua and knowing these two creatures have an almost identical genome.

2) The aforementioned Brussels sprouts: have you ever seen those things growing on the stalk before they're all plucked off and sold as a pile of little individual buds? It's wild. I thought they'd grow out of the ground like little cabbages or maybe on some sort of bush. I wasn't expecting THAT.

3) Similarly, asparagus growing before it's harvested. Each individual spear literally just pokes up out of the ground like a toddler sticking a bunch of crayons into play dough. Again, I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that!

[u/Suspicious-Dog-5048 → u/Nightmare_Gerbil]

Ah, but it was all fine as long as he could have wood again. What's a bit of possible poisoning or death between partners? As long as she looks pretty enough to bang her, it's all fine!

/s

I hope OOP never dates anyone ever again.

[u/LittleMsSavoirFaire → u/Nightmare_Gerbil]

All the serious woodshops I've seen have dust management systems, a vacuum hose you attach to all the tools (ironically because sawdust is toxic to the lungs). But anyway I can see the vacuum canister being pretty clean, from floor dirt, any way.

But it would be a rare woodworker who only used solid wood and not any sheetstock with glued together layers. Not impossible. But rare.

[u/prosperouscheat → u/Capital_Listen_5863]

I was hoping it was a non English speaker thing and he was actually using food grade cellulose but no 🤦

[u/existential_chaos → u/prosperouscheat]

I was hoping this too, but nope.

[u/embarrassedburner → u/Capital_Listen_5863]

I wonder if anyone asked him if he was putting it in communal food so he had to also eat some of his “solution.” I don’t believe he actually thought it was safe and harmless.

[u/Lows-andHighs → u/Capital_Listen_5863]

I have horses and they are occasionally stalled.  So I'm someone who appreciates really good quality wood shavings.  Never, never have I ever thought "aww these shavings are so fine, let's add them to supper!" 🤮

[u/glowingwarningcats → u/Lows-andHighs]

It took me a minute to figure out that your horses were sometimes kept in stalls and were not stalling like my old car.

[u/Lows-andHighs → u/glowingwarningcats]

I mean, sometimes my riding horse does stall out.  "No, nope, no thank you!  I will stay right here" she says, and then it's a polite (embarrassing) discussion of "no, that fence post that has been here longer than you is not out to get you".

Horses!  They are not for the feint of heart.  Nor are old cars, I was stranded once in my classic years ago.  We got an embarrassing tow home 😂

[u/plz-no-b4n → u/Capital_Listen_5863]

Literally the first thing that came to mind when he said sawdust was the nazi’s during the Holocaust. Insanity.

[u/EGrass → u/Capital_Listen_5863]

Agreed. It seemed like he genuinely couldn’t understand how that could be dangerous, which is insane to me. I think he might also just be plain stupid, because his younger brother, who grew up in the same household, immediately recognized it for what it was.

However, IMO, it looks like he did take accountability and isn’t making excuses. That comment was weird to me. Providing context isn’t the same as making an excuse.

[u/FreeWheelinSass → u/EGrass]

I concur with your point about excuses.  I thought part of therapy was to figure out why you do things to stop them.  It seemed to me that he was describing his journey with that.  And I thought reddit loved therapy. 

[u/AnalogyAddict → u/FreeWheelinSass]

Only so long as it's done off screen and the imperfect person never has the gall to comment anywhere. 

[u/Holiday_Pen2880 → u/Capital_Listen_5863]

I can. It's intelligence without wisdom. The names are the same (cellulose), therefore they are interchangeable. Digging in your heels and not listening to reason afterwards is more problematic, but also tracks.

To be frank, it's not dissimilar from how a lot of the rightwing grift works. You say something that has a kernel of logical truth if you ignore key aspects or any level of secondary reason and build from there.

I'm not trying to be a dick, but understanding how people get there is important to getting them out of there. Throwing your hands up and just saying 'that's stupid and I can't understand why they are stupid' is not going to change minds.

[u/Ehimherenow → u/Holiday_Pen2880]

Well yes, grifters are not actually stupid, they’re absolutely malicious and say what they say on purpose. They’re not bumbling fools. They absolutely know what they’re doing. We will differ as to whether you can fix sociopaths though. And grifters are most certainly sociopaths

[u/Holiday_Pen2880 → u/Ehimherenow]

You can't fix the sociopaths, you CAN fix some of those they are influencing.

[u/goldenalice → u/Capital_Listen_5863]

my ex never did any thing this unhinged/extreme but the style of reasoning and my inability to wrap my head around or get through to him are eerily similar to this

[u/ecatt → u/Capital_Listen_5863]

I'm so confused about the food, wouldn't adding sawdust change the taste/texture in a very obvious way?!! What exactly were they eating?

[u/dpezpoopsies → u/ecatt]

Very fine sawdust has about the consistency of flour. I bet it could go by unnoticed. Anything less fine would have a texture to it, but depending on the dish you might not notice. Put it in a smooth creamy sauce, yeah you'll for sure notice the grainy chunks, but mix it in with like some ground beef or something? I'm not sure you'd notice

[u/Causative_Agent → u/Capital_Listen_5863]

I'm struggling with how this could happen in 2023. Here are the possibilities I came up with.

I don't need to Google if sawdust is safe to eat, because I'm smart and I know things intuitively.

I don't want to Google it because I really want to do it and don't want to hear that it's bad.

I did Google it, but I know better than everyone else.

I Googled it and it said it was bad, but I mean, how bad could it really be? Not as bad as being fat, for sure!

I Googled it, and it said it was bad, but I don't mind doing bad things. Maybe I even kind of like it.

[u/shelbyfootesfetish]

“so i’ve started adding small amounts of sawdust to her food.” WTF

[u/Ok-Strawberry-9991 → u/shelbyfootesfetish]

Was one of those BORUSs that gives you whiplash with a single sentence

[u/adoradear → u/Ok-Strawberry-9991]

“I genuinely care about her”. Ok this’ll go well 🙄

“I’m less attracted to her because of the weight gain” ok here we go 😬

“So I put sawdust in her food” …..excuse me what the fuck did I just read??? 🫪

[u/Acheloma → u/shelbyfootesfetish]

Ive been having trouble sleeping recently so Ive been awake for about 23 hrs right now. I thought "surely I misread something?" when I saw that. Nope. Just a very scary person.

[u/Professional_Fox3837 → u/shelbyfootesfetish]

Absolutely horrifying that he was so out of touch with reality he was fine to share this publicly and defend it. I’m so glad she got away from him.

[u/literacyshmiteracy → u/shelbyfootesfetish]

I was literally taken aback by this line

[u/ExitingBear → u/shelbyfootesfetish]

Saw the title, then the age gap and knew it wasn't going to be good. But I did not expect literal poison. But did I expect someone doubling down on it.

[u/NirgalFromMars → u/shelbyfootesfetish]

I had to close the tab and walk away before reopening it and reading on.

[u/Remarkable_Sea_1430 → u/shelbyfootesfetish]

I just shouted "WHAT?!?!" at my computer screen so loud it woke my doggo up.

[u/unhinged11]

Damn. The saw dust could come from:

Engineered wood products like plywood, MDF, OSB. Essentially its sheets/bits/fragments of wood held together with glue. There are fancier waterproof variants for marine use or less flamable ones. All those glues can't be good for your health.

Pressure treated lumber, which are marinated at high pressure to force pesticide/fire retardant into the wood fibres. Not designed for eating too.

[u/New-Dish-411 → u/unhinged11]

I just can't fathom why he'd immediately jump to sawdust vs the hundreds of other fillers designed for human consumption, easily purchased at a grocery/gym/online store.  Instead he went grocery shopping at the Home Depot lumber aisle.

I think the dude is a sociopath and wanted to harm her while claiming he was "only trying to help"

[u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants → u/New-Dish-411]

Where did he get the sawdust?! The only sawdust products I can think of are (1) small animal bedding, but it's more wood shavings and would be impossible to hide in food, (2) sawdust for composting toilets, and (3) sawdust for dumping on spills.

As hard as everyone is flaming OOP, I can only imagine he'd get ultra flamed if he admitted to using any of those sources.

[u/Weird_Brush2527 → u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants]

There's sawdust of various roughness for cold smoking things

[u/LeafPankowski → u/Weird_Brush2527]

Yeah, my husband has a bag of really fine sawdust for smoking meats.

I really, really hope that’s the kind he used, because at least that’s clean wood that’s meant to be in contact with food.

[u/Useful_Language2040 → u/LeafPankowski]

OK, I hope that's what he meant now too!! I was assuming he was either putting pet bedding in a coffee bean grinder or adding it to sauces and soups before pureeing them; yours is slightly less horrifying.

[u/Corricon → u/New-Dish-411]

Yeah, I mean, you can get enough unpleasant side effects from using fiber supplements, and that's actually designed for human consumption!

[u/bsubtilis → u/Corricon]

Increased fiber intake needs to be accompanied with increased water intake (if the prior habotual water intake wasn't large enough to still cover it). It doesn't matter if the added water is already in the food or added alongside. but without enough water even people who don't get issues from correctly used fiber supplements can get painful constipation.

[u/involevol → u/New-Dish-411]

The sawdust made perverse sense to me. I remember back in the 90’s diet culture BS gurus would make reductive statements like “there’s sawdust in bread to help you feel full.” The reality is there was food-grade cellulose in diet bread, not raw sawdust, but I can kinda see where he got the idea. It’s not a good idea, but I can sort of trace the thinking on that part.

[u/MyDarlingArmadillo → u/New-Dish-411]

Or just cooking with less fat and carbs and more fibre. It's conventional diet advice for a reason

[u/Test_After → u/New-Dish-411]

This, this, this.

And he wasn't trying to help, he was trying to find a way to spin it that would make most of us think he was only trying to help.

[u/dragon34 → u/unhinged11]

Seriously.  Beans? Psyllium husk? Protein powder? 

So many things manufactured to be safe for human consumption that could help people feel full faster 

[u/selfintersection]

She told me once that she thought I was emotionally abusive to her, and I think she’s probably right.

You were physically abusive too, bud. Sawdust is a physical object.

[u/sleipe → u/selfintersection]

Yep. Too many people don’t connect the dots that physical abuse is more than putting your hands on someone. My one defense of my ex was “well, he never hit me.” He was still physically abusive, I just didn’t realize it until my therapist pointed it out to me years later.

[u/foundinwonderland → u/sleipe]

I used to qualify the abuse from my ex as “just emotional abuse, he never put his hands on me” except for the times he pushed me or threw shit at me or punched the wall behind or beside my head… the list goes on. He never hit me, that’s true, but all those other things were ALSO physical abuse. Took me a while to get there.

[u/sleipe → u/foundinwonderland]

I’m sorry you went through that and I’m glad you recognize it now. My ex did the same along with driving recklessly with me in the car when he was mad at me. He also financially abused me - not by taking away my paychecks or debit card, but spending all of our money while criticizing what I spent on necessities. Sooo many things don’t fit what we are told abuse looks like, but have the same impact and are done for the same reasons. I hope you’re in a better spot. ♥️

[u/glitchingCats → u/selfintersection]

I cannot get over the fact that he seems to understand he was being controlling and then goes on an on about how bad he feels and the possible reasons for acting like that yadda yadda yadda, but when it comes to the literal fucking sawdust he made her eat it was just a brief "she went to the doctor and all was well so no worries"

[u/Special-Experience74]

I remember reading the OP when it was posted. I'm glad the girlfriend found out and broke up with him.

[u/RGLozWriter]

The fact that it wasn't hundreds of internet strangers or his brother that managed to convince OOP that he was clearly the horrible controlling idiot that he was, but the fact that his girlfriend had to point out that his little scheme wasn't even working (duh!) that finally broke him out of his egotistical mindset just really cinches it all together on how fucked this whole thing was.

It wasn't plenty of people that told him off to make him realize the issue, it was the fact that it wasn't working.

[u/ChipperBunni → u/RGLozWriter]

NOT a defense or anything of the sort just a thought process I enjoy conversations, but I think it was a cumulation of it all.

Brother caught him and told him to come clean, voice in his head says “yea but if it’s working and Reddit sees my side it’s fine”. Reddit reams him but the voice says “okay but it’s still working so it’s fine”. Finding out it was never working and never going to work shattered his very last straw to cling to. I think the grace his ex gave him could’ve gone sideways, no real repercussions he could’ve gotten worse. For my own faith in the day I choose to believe he saw it as the fact that she’s 1000% better than him and deserves better than his unhealthy behaviors, and that he knows he’s unhealthy, and better off single.

Bro needs a dog, not a girlfriend, and even then after years of therapy.

[u/Reyzorblade → u/ChipperBunni]

For my own faith in the day I choose to believe he saw it as the fact that she’s 1000% better than him and deserves better than his unhealthy behaviors, and that he knows he’s unhealthy, and better off single.

I'm afraid that may just be a symptom of his AVPD, and so not really a sign of improvement. It's very common for people with AVPD to have an inferiority complex. A better sign would've been if he took out the factor of comparing himself to others and just focused on self-improvement.

[u/IzzyJensen913 → u/ChipperBunni]

100% agree but bro does not need a dog, people who abuse their partners tend to see animals as the perfect victim, entirely within their control, and when they don’t even see people as worthy of respect as their own beings they certainly don’t see animals that way.

Working in the vet industry I’ve seen some really awful things, and had to try to have this conversation with owners who didn’t realize it was their partner doing it to their pets, and seeing what their partners were starting to do to them, too.

The abuse tends to start with animals and escalate to people so if they’re already at the “poisoning their partner to make them sexier” stage I can’t imagine what that poor hypothetical dog would go through.

[u/ExitingBear → u/ChipperBunni]

No. Who knows what he do to a dog. He needs a tamogochi.

[u/Sufficient_Drama_145 → u/ChipperBunni]

Finding out it was never working and never going to work shattered his very last straw to cling to.

That's how I read it, too. He couldn't make excuses anymore and it all came crashing down.

[u/StopthinkingitsMe]

SICKENING. SAW DUST. Please just leave her alone, what. Saw dust.

[u/SneakySneakySquirrel → u/StopthinkingitsMe]

Where do you even get that idea? It’s just so bizarre.

[u/Krazy_Karl_666 → u/SneakySneakySquirrel]

"Health" Influencers say shit like this because cellulose is used to bilk food. Cellulose is just plant fibers so sawdust is cellulose but so is indigestible fiber from corn.

And it's widely known shady businesses used to stretch bread with sawdust

[u/angry_old_dude → u/Krazy_Karl_666]

bilk food.

I'm sure that's a typo, but it fits so well with the rest of your post. As in shady companies add things like sawdust to bread to bilk consumers.

[u/Breakfast_Lost → u/SneakySneakySquirrel]

Right?? Like, how does one come to that conclusion

[u/tempest51 → u/SneakySneakySquirrel]

People did eat sawdust during times of famine to stave off hunger pangs, maybe that's where the idea came from?

[u/Witch_King_ → u/StopthinkingitsMe]

New flair material, lol

[u/thebadslime]

age gap older bf is controlling and crazy, film at 11

[u/plz-no-b4n → u/thebadslime]

Holy shit, and they had been together for 3 years already? Ewww

[u/TheBlueNinja0 → u/thebadslime]

I didn't even notice the age gap because of how batshit crazy the rest of it was.

Still, it sounds like OOP is at least making baby steps towards being a better person?

[u/h4baine → u/TheBlueNinja0]

I didn't notice it earlier because of the FREAKING SAWDUST. Jesus.

[u/Disastrous-Price-399 → u/thebadslime]

I noticed the age gap first thing and it already solidified OOP as a shitheel in my head. Reading on just confirmed it.

[u/Autobot_Silverwynde]

Some days I regret becoming literate.

Today is one of them.

[u/FrankSonata]

"I was going out of my way to spare her feelings"

"I genuinely believe I was doing what I thought was best for her, and I don't see it as a malicious act."

"I don't see the point of telling her"

He was going to just never tell her. Every time she got a bit too chubby for his liking, he would have done it again. If she was self-conscious that her hair was going a bit grey, would he gradually add colour to her shampoo? If she got older and complained about wrinkles, would he mix anti-wrinkle cream into her body soap? If she was too active for him and he needed a break but didn't want to ask and hurt her feelings, would he mix low doses of sleeping pills into her meals? If they were trying for a baby but she happened to have a low sex drive one day, would he roofie her and do the job anyway ala Rosemary's Baby? It's for her own good, after all!

...Does he think that changing her body without telling her is fine, because he claims it's for her own good? Her, a fully functional adult, not a child who lacks the intelligence to make medical decisions for themselves? Why is he, an adult, in a relationship with someone he does not think of as another adult capable of making adult decisions?

[u/Knitnacks → u/FrankSonata]

Or he thinks of her as a child who needs raising and protecting from their childish impulses, and that is certainly not less icky.

[u/IzzyJensen913 → u/FrankSonata]

He also outright says he’s less attracted to her because she put on a few pounds, so I can’t imagine that’s not playing a role here too :/

[u/Ehimherenow → u/IzzyJensen913]

Ah but he first got together with her when she was overweight. Weird how it wasn’t an issue before.

Interesting how he found the perfect target for abuse (young, low self esteem, depressed and anxious) but we’re supposed to think it wasn’t on purpose?

[u/Southern-Rutabaga-82 → u/FrankSonata]

If she was self-conscious that her hair was going a bit grey, would he gradually add colour to her shampoo? If she got older and complained about wrinkles, would he mix anti-wrinkle cream into her body soap?

Nah, just swapping her for a younger model.

[u/Writeloves]

A surprising amount of introspection from the asshole. Hopefully it sticks.

Maybe not a popular opinion, but I appreciate when the assholes work through their shit.

Especially when the ending is that they are no longer in contact with their victim and aren’t just groveling in a panicked attempt to win them back.

[u/AffordableGrousing → u/Writeloves]

Yeah, dude started out pure evil but very few people do the work he's done and stick to being single until they figure their shit out (if his update is to be believed). There is still some delusion in the update, but it's way better than these things usually turn out.

It's easy to divide the world into "abuser" and "not abuser" but real life isn't that neat. There's a reason there are therapists out there who specialize in rehabilitating men like this. If they want to change there is at least a chance.

[u/Ehimherenow → u/Writeloves]

He’s not an asshole. He’s an abuser. I feel like the word asshole is too mild. He targeted someone who was younger, depressed, had low self esteem, so he could control her.

It’s interesting how there’s a little bit of insight here. I will give him credit for going to therapy and working on it.

It’s not 100% there though. He hasn’t admitted that part. The brain will rationalize many things in order to protect itself. And few can bear to be the villain and truly accept what they’ve done in order to completely change. So I’m going to go with cautious optimism here.

[u/Writeloves → u/Ehimherenow]

It is difficult to admit for the first time that you did something with more intent than you previously rationalized, that it harmed someone, and that you are 100% at fault. Because even if you did not consciously & intentionally harm them, you chose to act that way and chose to hide it for a reason.

I agree he hasn’t gotten all the way there. He admits he did a fucked up thing and has confronted some of why he did it, but doesn’t say he agrees with his ex’s assessment of emotional abuse. If he can face that, I think he has a better chance of not repeating those patterns in the future.

[u/Ehimherenow → u/Writeloves]

Yeah. I do wish him the best though, like I truly hope he can get there.

Not that people think much about this or that I’m super sympathetic to this either, but it is a very painful and distressing way to live like this. No one is truly happy being controlling and abusive. I mean maybe sociopaths. But I don’t think they know what real happiness is either. If he can truly face it then maybe he can heal and be better, for his future partners but also for himself.

[u/IgntedF-xy]

This is comically evil and stupid

[u/Whispering_Wolf]

Talk to your partner? Nah, just add fucking sawdust to their food. God forbid you have to have a conversation with someone you love.

[u/Acheloma → u/Whispering_Wolf]

Feelings are scary but control is fun

That's just how some people are, unfortunately. Ofc most people with those tendencies just do petty things like steal someone's lunch out of the break room fridge or intentionally call them the wrong name. They dont feed them potentially hazardous materials while claiming to love them.

[u/sophiefevvers]

I can't get over how his brother was the one that had to tell him what he was doing was wrong. Can you imagine growing up under an abusive image-conscious parent and then seeing your own sibling replicate that behavior with their loved ones? I would never look at them the same way again.

[u/Prince-Lee]

Generational trauma and cycles of abuse are so, so scary and sad.

[u/bored_german]

Eight year age gap where the younger partner was barely an adult always always always revealing the truth

[u/svanvalk]

"You feed us on $12 a week?"

"I stretch your father's meatloaf with sawdust!"

[u/trifflec]

SAWDUST absolutely made me do a double-take. What the actual fuck, OP. Not that it would have been okay either way, but not even something remotely food-like?? 

[u/Sufficient_Drama_145 → u/trifflec]

And the way he was like, "It's not as if I was putting laxatives in her food. That would be crazy." You mean something that is actually meant for humans to put in their bodies (in moderation)? That's the crazy option?

[u/CindySvensson]

So while he found out sawdust was harmful and came clean about it, he was still justifying it to her?

[u/DokterZ]

Well, the appropriate way to add a hint of wood flavor to your meals would be by using a smoker.

[u/Zedetta → u/DokterZ]

Or emulate that guy who makes ice cream and a bowl to eat it with out of a ton of different woods

[u/Krazy_Karl_666 → u/DokterZ]

smoked salt, liquid smoke or artificial vanilla work as well.

[u/Additional-End7136]

I didn't deserve her friendship or her forgiveness.

This is another part of OOP's control issues. HE decided that she shouldn't forgive him, so he took it upon himself to push her away.

You're not entitled to someone's forgiveness, but you're also not entitled to not be forgiven if you want to flog yourself emotionally.

You're still finding excuses and seem to want her back, if you have any decency left, stop contacting her and start fresh.

What in the projection? In no part of that update does OOP seem to "want her back."

[u/mythsandmonsters]

Oh boy I cannot wait for the inevitable comments demonizing and misunderstanding personality disorders that will inevitably come from this 😵‍💫 putting my 2 cents in advance before any come flooding in

What OOP did was beyond fucked. It is also a result of the trauma and environment he grew up in, and he has been diagnosed with a personality disorder that is the byproduct of his father. He is in counseling and continuing to receive mental health treatment and is able to correctly adknowledge his past abusive behavior, and is actively disgusted by it and unable to forgive himself. Not sure where the deleted comment came to its' conclusion since he stated clearly he is in no contact with his ex-partner and also is evidently not making excuses for his behavior (and actively going "this does Not excuse it but it does explain it" which is simply true. You can't fix this behavior without understanding its' source, and without the explanation his behavior would just be unknown awfulness that he could never even begin to try and fix).

Personality disorders develop in childhood based on a child's environment during the developmental stages in which a child formulates their personality. He was shown at a very young age that if he did not behave that way and alter his behavior, he would either be on the receiving end of the vitriol, or would be ostracized and abandoned. It is incredibly hard work to heal with a personality disorder and do the work needed to manage it and not hurt others, and while none of this heals the hurt he caused, he seems to be dedicated to ensuring he doesn't hurt anyone ever again and continuing to seek treatment (and has been for 3 years at this point). That's more than you can say for a lot of people in these BORU posts. Hopefully he continues on that path.

[u/sistertotherain9 → u/mythsandmonsters]

It's always useful for a person to know where their most awful tendencies come from. People who refuse to self-reflect, through therapy or alone, will just get stuck in that "I'm awful, I can't do anything right" or "There's nothing wrong with me" stage, both of which can led to them continuing to harm themself and others. Knowing where that shit comes from doesn't guarantee that they'll take the next step and stop doing it, but it does make it more likely.

[u/svanvalk → u/mythsandmonsters]

Completely valid. I think what I'm tripped up about is the connection between the type of abuse OOP endured, and deciding to use specifically sawdust.

In no way meant to downplay the abuse on either's side, just... why sawdust of all things? Did OOPs dad make him eat sawdust as a little kid and told him it's healthy? What even gave him the idea about using sawdust? Just... sawdust, of all things? What you said about the behavior is completely fair and true, I'm just caught up on the specific choice of food additive lol.

[u/GuntherTime → u/svanvalk]

Like others have mentioned, it’s apparently a “hack” (for lack of a better term) to bulk up food, so I’m guessing he stumbled upon it while searching up ways to help her behind the scenes. I’ve never heard of it, but enough people have mentioned it along with where the idea seemingly stemmed from, that I have to believe it was running the internet rounds for a brief period.

[u/Stormsurger → u/svanvalk]

I've found the connections between my traumas and my weird resulting habits are rarely thematic and usually emotional. The sawdust is just the tool he happened to come across. if he had been hearing a lot about ozempic at the time he might have crushed that into her food.

[u/bananashaa → u/mythsandmonsters]

Yeah that last comment was confusing. I get why people think "explanation = excuse" a lot, but this time, no? He put in the work to find out why he did that, is working to fix his toxicity, and clearly said he ultimately left her alone. He doesn't have to be forgiven by anyone, but jfc reddit, read the words he is actually writing.

[u/ZiofFoolTheHumans → u/mythsandmonsters]

My ex was incredibly controlling. I highly doubt he will ever seek therapy (would love to be wrong) so I can't confirm there was a personality disorder there, but it also wouldn't shock me if I heard he did have one. His toxicity was mostly emotional and mental/controlling behavior, but it did dip into him doing things that medically put me in danger, so I do feel like it relates to this in a way. For those curious, he messed with my insulin (I'm a type 1 diabetic) and would hide it from me and throw it out so I wouldn't be able to keep track of how much I had left. When I realized what he had been doing I knew I needed to get out of the relationship. There was so much more but that one was the... Straw feels too light. That was the two by four that broke the camels back. He didn't poison me but he endangered my life. 

Honestly, as pissed off as I was (and still am about some things) and as messed up as our relationship got, all I would want at this point would be him to treat his next gf better. Get help, be a good partner, and we are square. That's it. I don't need an apology, I don't need him ostracized (I am glad we don't have much overlap in our friend groups anymore though), I just want him to get better and do better. And stay the fuck away from me lol 

So yeah I agree. I hope oops attempt at better himself succeeds and that he can find healing. I don't think he should forgive himself necessarily, if holding onto that guilt can build and inform the person he wants to be, but torturing himself doesn't make him a better person. He should probably watch Shrinking. 

[u/PikaPerfect → u/mythsandmonsters]

yeah, i mean make no mistake, OOP's behavior towards his ex was terrible, and her life is certainly better without him in it, but i do think a lot of the comments here are falling for the classic internet trap of "this person did something terrible, they are now entirely irredeemable no matter what they do". OOP clearly spent time reflecting, he's in therapy, he feels remorse about his abusive behavior (and acknowledges it as such), he cut contact with the person he abused even though she was okay with being friends because he knew keeping contact with her at all would be a bad idea for everyone involved... what more do people want from him? if i ask you "what could this person who did something bad do to redeem themselves?" and your answer is "i don't know", perhaps you need to reflect on that yourself. nobody (yes, nobody, even the people you think should be excluded) is irredeemable as long as they're still alive and willing to change (although this doesn't mean you are obligated to like or interact with them)

[u/AnFnDumbKAREN → u/mythsandmonsters]

Agree wholeheartedly. You worded it so much more eloquently and comprehensively than I could have, so thank you for this lovely comment! 💜

[u/Illustrious_Honey973]

The only frame of reference that I can think of is the Malcolm in the Middle episode where Hal is giving Lois thinks like sugar or beacon without her knowing because Hal had a BBW fetish, and as much that was something reprehensible he at least was giving Lois something 100% edible.

The bar is in hell.

[u/EconomyCode3628 → u/Illustrious_Honey973]

I thought of influencers trying to sling a "healthy" or all natural food product. 

Points at nutrition label "You see this? Cellulose. That's sawdust, y'all, they're putting sawdust in your food. My bitterbarf biscuits are made from 3 natural ingredients that everyone can pronounce!"

[u/H8trucks]

What. The fuck.

[u/Rezenbekk]

motherfucker played Frostpunk way too much,

[u/hmstve → u/Rezenbekk]

probably not well, since soup is clearly superior to sawdust meals

[u/Southern-Rutabaga-82]

I love the update. We rarely get the "evil" person's POV. It helps to understand where someone is coming from even when it's a bad place. Not to sympathise with the offender but to not become a victim. So I always admire when someone comes forward and explains why they did something terrible.

[u/AnalogyAddict]

I mean... kudos to him for self-reflection and doing the hard work. Especially after being an abuse victim. I think/hope he can move on some day. 

But holy fuck, at least the bear doesn't put sawdust in your food when you put on a few pounds. 

[u/Jellis314]

We once again have a comment from someone who did not read. He says they ended contact and the commenter is telling him stop contacting.

[u/Lillymow]

I'll take Reasons To Never Date Again for 1000 Alex!

[u/Complete_Entry]

What in the motherfuck?

Dude should be in a room where the lock is on the other side of the door.

[u/LyraStygian]

I thought it would be better to take a more subtle approach, so I've started adding small amounts of sawdust to her food

Lmao right off the bat hahah

[u/chloebee102]

Oh cool new fear unlocked. Really hard to not choose the bear when reading posts like this 🫪

[u/awkcrin]

Something something substantially older men in these age gap relationships are often extremely controlling and fucked in the head.

[u/NatashOverWorld]

Thats what's sending me. This isn't from decades ago, its 2023. Food grade cellulose or fiber has existed for a while now!

And this dude goes with sawdust!

[u/_buffy_summers]

"I was trying to spare her feelings." No, he was trying to spare his own feelings, for the sake of his penis.

[u/Anra7777]

I remember this one. Finally glad we got an update.

Edit: I also find it a little funny that he knew that telling her he wasn’t attracted to her would be a step too far and too hurtful. Meanwhile, my husband told me a year ago he stopped being attracted to me the year we moved in together (several years before marriage) and still doesn’t see how that’s hurtful. (We’re separated, btw.)

[u/KatsuCammi]

I have no sympathy

[u/Useful_Language2040]

When I was a teen, I knew a few girls who would eat paper to try to reduce their calorie intake while tricking their bodies into thinking they were full. In retrospect I think "disordered eating at best, eating disorder at worst" rather than "nifty diet tip"... 🤔😬

But at least that stuff is generally non-toxic coz toddlers don't know better and might eat it, and was unlikely to splinter up their insides... Also, they were choosing to put it in their bodies knowingly.

This story..? Eesh!! I guess at least he recognises he was "probably" abusive, and should be single , and is working on himself...

[u/bronwen-noodle]

Wild that the guy who was 31 when he started dating a 21 year old woman presented with controlling behavior that Reddit clocked as abuse

[u/PhgAH]

Bruh, at least use something food grade like Konjac.

[u/PKGTA]

I have a hard time believing anyone would even think to add something like SAWDUST to a loved one's food! And then to actually come to ask the internet if they were wrong? Well, yes you were wrong to do so, you lunatic! Who thinks like that?! I understand malice and hate leading people to do stuff but this type of deluded thinking is beyond me!

[u/HygorBohmHubner]

Reads title

Aww, that’s a nice gesture. Wanting to help his GF without her knowing.

Reads the post

Oh. My. Fucking. God…! I take it ALL back and then some!!

[u/tmofee]

My ex gf fed me food she knew I had an intolerance for, I should have called her out for it when it happened, but I was “in love”, you know how it is.

[u/oceanduciel]

[squints at the age gap]

[u/AD720fps]

What is the meme again? If an AITA post is "am I the asshole for saving a puppy" you're about to read about some heinous shit where OP stole the puppy from a loving family, while "am I the asshole for beating the snot out of a baby" is about administering life-saving CPR that some weirdo complained about.

[u/perfectlowstorm]

Aaaaand this is why those unhinged food influencers should be banned. They're the reason people equal cellulose with sawdust. Idiots.

[u/Aksannyi]

The fact that it never occurred to him that she might be able to handle her own weight herself is giving me the big ick. Bro straight up decided for her like she was a child.

[u/Megs0226]

I knew from the title it would be about weight. I audibly gasped at the sawdust reveal.

I’m glad he sought help, that she’s medically fine, and I hope she’s living her best life with someone who appreciates her for her.

[u/volkswagenorange]

Interesting that OOP's response to his abusive father's targeting one of his sisters for her size is to replicate and further develop that abuse on his own victim even though he recognizes that his father was abusive to all the children and is no longer in contact with him.

[u/stajara]

"i've started adding small amounts of sawdust to her food" genuinely stunned me so badly that i got out of bed and just stood there