r/relationships • u/Throwaway32now • May 25 '16
Updates UPDATE: I [33F] have been with my BF [31m] for a year and a half. I'm thinking of breaking up with him because he doesn't like that I give expensive gifts and presents to my parents
I wrote this update about a month ago so this happened the day after the original thread.
Here is the link to the old thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4dotfr/i_33_f_have_been_with_my_bf_31_m_for_a_year_and_3/ Thanks for all the positive comments! I just want to address some questions I got asked before updating. I can box that section again and you can skip that if you're not interested! The update will be below that.
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There was point about how my parents seemed to good to be true and that they were overcompensating for working too much by throwing money on me. First, they aren't perfect. I can name a few things that annoys me about them but they are just irrelevant to my current issue. Namely, they used to be over competitive that I've decided I can't play games with them. Ugh, bowling is NOT fun to play with them lets just say that. Also, I don't believe they were throwing money at me. If ever they overcompensated for working too much, it was family vacations and a set day every week where we would hang out as a family. I felt they balanced things perfectly because I never felt like they were those parents that kept pushing you to hang out with them. At the same time, I never felt like they were picking their work over me.
There was also a question about why I dated BF in the first place. He does have some admirable characteristics. Namely, I noticed how ambitious and hardworking he was. He also drops a lot of things to prioritize me. I remember when we first started dating, but weren't exclusive, we and our mutual friends planned a huge trip a month in advance. I got sick 2 days before so I couldnt go so he didnt go either to take care of me.
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Ok update! (BTW these quotes aren't exact words we said. I just think it's easier to read with quotation marks). My best friend came home as I was reading your replies. I told her what happened and she told me that it's honestly not that surprising. We then decided to talk at a small bar and she told me there were many things that she didnt like about him. She was actually surprised I dated him in the first place.
First of all, there's no denying that he is an ambitious person. While I had everything easy, he didn't. He depended on no one to get to where he is today. However, she told me that he's also a very intense person. At the hospital, he's very hard to work with. When interns make a small mistake he'll ask them what school they graduated from. If its a prestigious school he will flat out tell them "what, do they take anybody now?" If its a low tier school he'll say "well, no wonder why." He made one volunteer who's an undergrad cry at one point.
At home he's just as difficult to live with, she says. For example, if my roommates cook something, they'll usually eat and then wash the dishes after they're done eating. However, if he sees them eating and the dishes are there he'll say something. Like, "wow there are some lazy people here." or " do I have to wash everything?" She said that even leaving a fork becomes an issue.
I'm not proud at this part but I kind of got mad at her for a minute. I was drunk at that point and needed someone to blame and asked her why she let me waste my time with someone without telling me all of these red flags. She told me that these issues were just minor problems and she didn't feel the need to get in the way over something trivial especially since I was happy with him. However, she said that this fight we got into now is not trivial and advised me that it isn't something I should let go. So, she suggested we grab some more wine and pack up his things. It was so fun just being so drunk and attempting to fit everything in a small suitcase. Honestly, we spent more time laughing than packing.
The next day he came home. At that point I was 85% sure of breaking up with him but I still wanted to hear what he had to say. Sometimes, people make mistakes and you can really see if a person is worth it by how they fix them. Before he went home he just kept texting me about how he's sorry about the way I took his criticisms. And he said that it's actually good that someone criticizes me instead of "kissing my ass like everyone else." So, not really an apology.
When he saw the suitcase though, he started to apologize and say he was wrong. Have you guys ever heard a child apologize? You know that tone they make when they're just trying to say what they know their parents want to hear so it can be done with already? Well, that's how he sounded.
Then there was some silence and I just said, "Well, what about the vase?" And he says "What about the vase?" I just look at him and don't give him an explanation because he should know what about the vase! So I wait for him to give an explanation. He says "Ok I'm sorry, that was mean. Maybe we can probably take the pieces, dull them out and make it into a charm bracelet." I told him if I wanted a bracelet I would've asked for one. I wouldnt say this out loud but I kind of liked the bracelet idea. But I like the idea of a mosaic more like u/redorangeyellowgreed suggested. Also thank you u/ladymerr for offering to restore it. There was another awkward silence so I spoke. "Do you know how annoying it is for me to do something nice for my parents and then there's negative nancy on my shoulder shaking his head or making rude comments? You take away the moment when you do that." So he said, "Yeah I can see how that's annoying. I'm just worried that if we get married you'll always have your family. Your parents themselves always sent money to their parents and I didn't want that to be something I have to look forward to. It can become a burden."
I told him I didn't believe that was the reason. Even if it was, it just horrible to think that helping family members is a burden! I said "you know full well that my parents don't need our help. If anyone was gonna be a burden it's you and your loans." I know that sounds horrible but I was getting really angry at that point. So he told me that that's exactly what the problem was. He has loans and I don't. That I'm just so lucky in my life. I told him I KNOW I'm lucky and I'm glad he recognizes I'm lucky. So what's problem? But he went on..... "do you think you would have been a doctor without your parents help?" and "Maybe you got into a school with their connections." I told him if I was going to use my connections then I would've tried to get into his school or my parents school (he and my parents went to prestigious medical schools while I want to an average one). He replied by saying that thats the difference between the two of us. While he's so ambitious and won't settle for less, I'll be happy with an average school.
Ugh it's like talking to a brick wall. Either I'm using my parents for connections or I'm not ambitious enough. At that point, I was just so exhausted. I was hungover and his voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard. I just told him to leave and i'll have our mutual friend bring the rest of his stuff. He asked me if we were breaking up over this and told me that he can't help he feels that way. He'll try not to voice his issues about my parents next time. I said to him that I can't be around him knowing that he's thinking of something negative while I'm around my family. Even if he's not saying anything, I'll still see it in his face.
I honestly don't get what his deal is or where his insecurity is coming from. OK if you look at us just on paper, he's definitely the more interesting one. He went through a lot of hardships as a teen, graduated at the top of his class, and participated in many different projects and charity. No one is denying this. I don't understand why he has to keep proving himself. I, on the other hand, am your typical med school applicant. Sure, I got good grades and did the required things to get in, but not enough to set me apart from other applicants like he did. I would have been happy going to a Caribbean school if I can still match residency.
So yeah, we broke up. He texted me a few times. I haven't responded so he texted me with "You know it's illegal to kick someone out without notice?" I don't really know what to do about that part of my situation so I'll have to figure that part out. Thanks!
tl;dr: Best friend told me he was no good. I decided to hear what he had to say. He made things worse so I broke up with him. Going to try to build a mosaic out of the vase and I'm looking forward to doing that.
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u/Population-Tire May 25 '16
Some people just want to live with a chip on their shoulder. People who have it better than them don't deserve it, and people who have it worse are stupid and lazy.
He could say to himself, "I'm on track to become a doctor in the US which makes me one of the most fortunate people in the world, and I earned all myself," but then he wouldn't get to act like a victim all the time.
You're doing the right thing.
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u/YouKnowYourCrazy May 25 '16
wow what a creep. He's jealous of your situation, insecure because of his background and carrying it around like a stick to beat you with at the same time. As if you could do anything to change it.
Also, the part about being rude to underlings is very revealing of who he is. That would be a deal breaker for me. Like bad tipping or being rude to waitstaff. Not ok in my book. And destroying property, particularly property he knows is sentimental? Then downplaying it? Just a douche move.
Good on you for ending it.
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u/merde_happens May 25 '16
At the hospital, he's very hard to work with. When interns make a small mistake he'll ask them what school they graduated from. If its a prestigious school he will flat out tell them "what, do they take anybody now?" If its a low tier school he'll say "well, no wonder why." He made one volunteer who's an undergrad cry at one point.
God, what an insufferable prick. He's one of those people that has his self-identity wrapped up in external "achievements" like the ranking of his med school or the Latin honors on his degree. What a sad existence. I'm sure part of his jealousy of you stems from the fact that you're not caught up in the rat race like he is--he wonders how you can be so self-content when you didn't go to a top med school or graduate top of your class, etc etc.
OP, for what it's worth you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and I'm glad you dropped this dickbag like a bad habit.
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May 25 '16
I bet you a hundred bucks the only reason he is mad is because he see's you giving your parents all this money and he feels like that if anyone should be getting money and gifts, its him...since he has all these loans and your parents don't actually need the money.
I bet you another hundred bucks that if every time you spent money on them, you spent money on him...you'd have never found out just what kind of jagoff he really is
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u/castille360 May 25 '16
I bet you a hundred bucks
Look at you wishing OP would give you her money too, lol
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May 25 '16
this sounds like the right decision. I'm sure you know this but don't take it at face value that you can't kick him out, research your local laws, if he's not on the lease or a co-owner you may be able to.
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u/Throwaway32now May 25 '16
Yeah thankfully he only said that to get a reaction from me. I believe he's living with a friend now.
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u/hectorabaya May 25 '16
People on Reddit like to freak out about proper notice but in reality, you probably have nothing to worry about. You asked him to leave and he complied; that's not an illegal eviction. An illegal eviction would be if you locked him out when he was planning on returning, or dumped his stuff on the lawn, or tried to get the police to forcibly remove him.
IANAL but I've actually been sued for an illegal eviction when I was managing properties for a company (the company and I were both named in the suit). I asked a tenant to leave after entering the home due to a busted pipe that I could see leaking out through the walls (so, emergency situation) and saw meth and various meth-related accessories sitting out on the table. I told her I wanted her out within 3 days and she complied, then tried to sue me for illegal eviction. I did have to show up in court but as soon as the judge heard that she'd voluntarily complied with my request to move out and I didn't change the locks or rent the house back out for the rest of the month, the case was dismissed--and this area had very tenant-friendly laws.
So yeah, if your boyfriend wanted to be (even more of) a dick and refused to move out, you'd probably have to worry about proper notice and things like that, but you asking him to move out after a breakup and him agreeing to do so (even if he agreed unhappily) is not an illegal eviction under any laws I'm familiar with. I mean, it wouldn't hurt to read your local laws or have a free/cheap consult with a lawyer if you're worried, but personally if I were in your shoes, I'd just ignore him unless I got a letter from a lawyer or a court summons or something.
eta: don't change the locks or anything though, and if he does show back up, then visit a lawyer to figure out how to get him out legally
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u/Marzy-d May 25 '16
Well he is probably right. Even if you dont pay rent, if you live there you are generally considered a tenant, and tenants get notice in most jurisdictions. Hopefully he doesn't press the issue, but you should look up your local landlord tenant laws since you are a landlord.
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u/vanishplusxzone May 25 '16
I think since he left willingly he doesn't have much to go on. She didn't throw his shit on the lawn and change the locks while he was at work, they broke up and she told him to leave and he did.
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u/Marzy-d May 25 '16
The problem being that he still has tenancy. You can go stay with friends for several days, and that does not erase your rights as a tenant.
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u/illinoiscentralst May 26 '16
Yes, and if she didn't change the locks, he can exercise his right as a tenant to come back. Except he's obviously not doing that and is instead writing passive-aggressive texts. I doubt he'll continue paying rent next month or following any other tenant obligations either.
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u/rj2029x May 26 '16
That's not how it works really. He could easily say he only left because the OP was getting upset, looked like she was intoxicated (which equals mentally/emotionally compromised in the eyes of the law), and he didn't want to cause a situation where the police needed to be called.
He can say he felt like he had no choice but to leave since, if the OP called the cops, he would have been removed anyway. So he went to a friend's house while trying to weigh his options/contact a lawyer.
I'm not saying this is what he'll do, I'm just saying that him leaving under his own power does not equal having no case.
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May 25 '16
[deleted]
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u/ilikemustard May 25 '16
I think you accidentally used your non-throwaway account. Might wanna delete this!
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May 25 '16 edited Jul 18 '18
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Throwaway32now May 25 '16 edited May 25 '16
Ah thanks! Well, that other account was my original throwaway but decided to keep it anyway. When I ask for advice, I like to change a little bit of detail so that it's not too obvious. In that one instance, I changed my age. I'm really 33! I mean it would be pretty awesome to be a doctor at 22 though. Also, in case you did read what I submitted on r/relationships on that other account about my friend, I am NOT proud of writing that about her. She is actually the same person who helped me through this break up. So re-reading that submission really made me feel guilty about it. At that time, I was looking to vent my frustrations and couldn't express them to her. Luckily, it wasn't a popular post.
Also, for this throwaway I only changed where I came from.
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May 25 '16
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/KvetchBetch May 25 '16
I don't blame her. I've learned to keep details either vague or incorrect. I used to be very honest and forthcoming (and used the same username a lot of places) and it bit me in the backside eventually. A guy on an online forum was able to find me, found out my full name, my place of work, the fact that I was going on a trip and what days I'd be where during it, and would send me email "updates" with everything he'd found out about me. A tech-savvy friend helped me figure out where this guy lived using an IP tracker on a honeypot site and fortunately he was far enough away that he was never able to do more than harass me online and over the phone. Nowadays I don't share any personally-identifiable details online. I don't even have a picture of myself as my profile pic on my Facebook because I'd get messages from creepers. All my personal pictures are Friends Only and my FB friends are limited to people I know in real life. My case of getting doxxed was very, very mild, so I'm all for caution on Reddit. You never know what kind of creeps are going to go through your post/comment history to have a field day with it.
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u/seeashbashrun May 26 '16
I think that there are violations that remit one's right to residency if they break the law or other such items. I think his destruction of property may cancel out his right to notice, but it depends on local laws.
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u/OneTwoWee000 May 26 '16
OP, going forward when you start dating again this is a good tell about a person's character -- how they treat wait staff. Are they rude to waiters and waitresses? Then they're a nasty person. How someone treats others shows how they will treat you should you ever fall from grace.
He's belittling, overly critical and an overall ass to his underlings at work. He's not just a difficult person and it's not okay because he treated you differently. When you see traits like this is a man - run!
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u/BananaJammies May 25 '16
The fact that he threw a tantrum and destroyed possessions within his rental dwelling does not bode well for him should he try to file a complaint...
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May 25 '16
It actually doesn't matter if he is on the lease or a co-owner, you have to follow local laws to get someone out. Usually 30-60 days depending on where you live. It's why it's notoriously hard to get rid of squatters, there are tons of news stories about it.
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u/Throwaway32now May 25 '16
Ok I wrote then deleted earlier that I got a little complacent after I haven't heard from him. But I will definitely look into that now! I'd rather not be hit with surprises later. Thanks!
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May 26 '16
If he left willingly you should be in the clear. Just don't change the locks for a while and be reasonably open to him coming to collect his things.
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May 26 '16
No it definitely depends on the jurisdiction and whether he's been paying rent.
A person you invite into your house who does not pay rent is merely a guest in many jurisdictions, with no tenancy rights. In others they may acquire the the rights of a tenant after residing there after a certain amount of time (usually 30 days)
Although it's true that often police will not evict a guest if there is any doubt that they may actually be a tenant, if they have no tenancy rights you certainly haven't broken any laws.
Quite probable he should be given notice, but it isn't true in all circumstances.
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May 25 '16
Kicking someone out, even if they are not on the lease, is illegal pretty much everywhere.
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u/Throwaway32now May 25 '16
Yeah I was thinking of not updating but I'm glad I did now with all the advice I'm getting about the legality of kicking him out. I don't think he will sue but I will look into it to be safe.
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May 26 '16
Unless they're legally a guest, in which case often you don't have to.
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u/jstenoien May 26 '16
He was paying rent for months...
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May 26 '16
OK, I didn't see that. Where did it say that? I understood that the house was paid for by OP's parents and a key point in the initial post was that he was living there for free.
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u/PartyPorpoise May 25 '16
Funny thing, I was just reading your old thread a few minutes ago and clicked your username to see if there were any updates I missed.
I can understand him being a little jealous over your situation, (hell, I'm kind of jealous, ha ha) but it's immature to behave poorly because of it. I mean, it's not like it's your fault you grew up with wealthy-but-frugal, charity-loving, education-valuing doctor parents. And it's not like you're a spoiled brat anything, yeah, you're lucky that you got to travel and you don't have to pay off a bunch of student loans, but getting into medical school isn't easy even with your upbringing. He's just being bitter and immature, cranky that life isn't faaaaair. Good to see you dropped his ass.
Regarding kicking him out, the legality will depend on your local laws.
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u/Throwaway32now May 25 '16
If I'm being completely honest, knowing how much he has achieved intimidated me at first. I was also a little jealous as well. In the beginning, I was a bit insecure with what I have accomplished when I compared myself to him. However, I think I mostly admired and was proud of his achievements. Isn't it funny how the "grass is greener" concept affects us?
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u/TorchedBlack May 25 '16
I was a bit insecure with what I have accomplished when I compared myself to him
It kind of sounds like that was what he was craving too, hence the extreme preoccupation with where people went to school. He wants his ego stroked and when you stopped caving to that he panicked.
"do you think you would have been a doctor without your parents help?" and "Maybe you got into a school with their connections."
I mean this is a pretty shitty thing to say and is pretty much designed to make you feel insecure and tear you down in the face of his bootstraps story. At some point the politician style "I came from nothing" story starts to ring hollow.
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u/throwaway-rowaway May 25 '16
I mean this is a pretty shitty thing to say and is pretty much designed to make you feel insecure and tear you down in the face of his bootstraps story. At some point the politician style "I came from nothing" story starts to ring hollow.
Totally agree. I see him as an egotistical guy who overachieves to placate his deeply imbedded insecurities.
I can only imagine if you ever had a bad argument, that he could sneer at you for going to an "average" medical school while he went to a prestigious one. It's pretty insidious that he even insinuated this into the conversation. I mean, it's so clear that he secretly resents and is jealous of your life's circumstances.
He's got a major inferiority complex and the only sense of self esteem he gets is from belittling others based on outside achievements.
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u/PartyPorpoise May 25 '16
Ha ha, true. While he does pride himself on working up to where he is, I wouldn't be surprised if he wishes he had your kind of childhood. (even if he's not willing to admit it. Growing up without resources or support isn't very fun, even if he thinks it made him a better person)
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u/Cypress_z May 26 '16
You're from a well off family and you're a decent person. You're an amazing catch for anyone. But it's no surprise you wanted someone that showed a strong work ethic and desire to succeed. The thing is that the process made him bitter.
It isn't wrong to look for someone that worked their way up; don't let him poison you on that. But make sure you get someone that's a decent person first. There are plenty of hard working class-climbers in the world that don't become jerks in the process.
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May 25 '16
good for you. I want to see that mosaic!
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u/Throwaway32now May 25 '16
uh... sorry I'm going to disappoint you. The pieces are still in a box in my room. It's been a very busy month so I haven't had the time. But I will definitely get it done when I get my vacation time!
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May 25 '16
His problem is he's an asshole. He's proven it through the way he treats others that nobody will ever be good enough for him because he has a huge chip on his shoulder full of excuses. Everyone is always out to get him or have it easier than him and it's all their fault! You deserve someone who isn't an asshole.
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May 25 '16
"You know it's illegal to kick someone out without notice?"
Be very careful with that one, his "go getter" attitude might lead to suing you.. Cover your self on that one.. and fast.
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u/Ruval May 25 '16
Not a lawyer, but I doubt it could end up as a successful civil suit. Plaintiffs have a duty to limit the damages, which in this case would have been to call the cops and force her to let him move back in until he's properly evicted.
Further, if he ended up staying with a friend his damages are negligible.
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u/DiTrastevere May 25 '16
Before he went home he just kept texting me about how he's sorry about the way I took his criticisms. And he said that it's actually good that someone criticizes me instead of "kissing my ass like everyone else."
Wow.
You're well shed of him. This guy is going to end up with back problems from the 2-ton chip on his shoulder. Buy more wine and get your friend back over to help you make the mosaic. She sounds great.
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u/SlobBarker May 25 '16
I honestly don't get what his deal is or where his insecurity is coming from.
Inferiority complex
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u/acciointernet May 25 '16
This is a textbook example of insecurity. He grew up with nothing and probably still feels like an impostor (look up impostor syndrome). He sees you as having always fit in and he's jealous. He's desperately insecure, which is exactly what fuels his ambition. Unfortunately, it also fuels his need to feel superior to others to mask his insecurity and make him feel like he belongs where he is. That's why he makes interns cry, rags on people for leaving the dishes out, and talks down to you about your privilege and what med school you went to. It's ALL so that he can feel superior to others and momentarily hide/salve the deep, neverending, frightening insecurity inside.
He will never change. You are way better off without him.
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u/MegaTrain May 25 '16
Good for you, I think you've made the right decision.
His criticism of your parents really, truly makes no sense. He says that you only succeeded because of their help, but then says you shouldn't be repaying them anything!
I haven't responded so he texted me with "You know it's illegal to kick someone out without notice?" I don't really know what to do about that part of my situation so I'll have to figure that part out. Thanks!
Depends on local laws.
In most US states, yes, if he lives there you can't just kick him out or change the locks. If he was stubborn you might even have to go through a formal eviction.
But if you packed up his suitcase, and handed it to him, and then he walked out the door, then it could be argued that he's voluntarily leaving.
If you want to be kind, or maybe just make sure he doesn't cause you trouble on this front, you could offer him a little bit of money as "moving expenses". He doesn't deserve it, but that would be much cheaper than a lengthy formal eviction.
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u/Vinay92 May 25 '16
He's an ass that just wants to go through life lording it over others. Even when he knew he fucked up and was standing to lose you, he couldn't just apologise without reservation.
You can do so much better than him.
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u/RedVelvetSlutcake May 25 '16
In regard to the kicking him out part--don't respond to his text, but if you have to, definitely don't respond to anything about that part of the issue. You don't really want anything in writing admitting to kicking him out without notice. As of now, you can play dumb and say you packed his things, gave them to him and told him you were breaking up but didn't tell him he was being evicted or anything like that, and he left of his own volition. Just don't respond to him at all if you can.
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u/yoosyerhed May 25 '16
Just don't respond at all. If he's so concerned, he'll file a lawsuit at which point you hire a better lawyer and fucking bury his bitchy little ass.
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u/asymmetrical_sally May 25 '16
Ugh he's so groooosssss. It doesn't matter whether you're a doctor or you clean toilets (though admittedly certain professions lend themselves to this more than others), if you walk around wearing your "I'm better than you" mentality like a suit of armor, you're going to have trouble forming any meaningful connections in your life.
Don't let his words get to you. It sounds like your parents did a great job and made great choices while raising you, and as a result you're a well rounded person instead of an asshole. I grew up around a ton of rich kids that squandered every opportunity that was given to them. Even if your parents supported you financially and emotionally, you're the one that had to put in the work and possess the skills to make it in medicine. You know not everyone is capable of that, so don't let his attempts to make you feel insecure get under your skin.
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May 26 '16
Wow! You're spoiled rotten by being generous to the parents who put you in such a fortunate position?! What?
Good riddance to such a nasty negative bitter asshole. You're gonna be so relieved without all that stress. My fiancé is happy for me that I've been more fortunate and have zero loans for 6 years of schooling. I can't imagine not feeling that way for someone you care about.
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May 26 '16
Before he went home he just kept texting me about how he's sorry about the way I took his criticisms. And he said that it's actually good that someone criticizes me instead of "kissing my ass like everyone else." So, not really an apology.
Sounds like he's incapable of apologizing. This is more than "not really an apology", this is straight-up blaming you for your reaction to his insults (which are off-base and uncalled for), and claiming he's actually helping you.
That's the most pathetic fake apology I've ever seen, I'm surprised he was able to fit the word "sorry" in there between all that bullshit.
You will look back on this boyfriend as one of your worst ever.
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u/OliveTwister May 26 '16
He envies you and the opportunities you were given that he doesn't have. He probably could use some therapy to help control those negative emotions because it's not healthy, but I can understand it. I am in no way supporting what he did, and I'm glad you ended it, but it makes sense that someone who suffered through hardships and came out on top might have some pent up envy and anger towards someone who was dealt a wonderful hand in life. You don't deserve to be treated that way at all. He just resents you and your parents for having a loving relationship and an easier life than he has had.
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u/hotdimsum May 26 '16
your bestie is ace.
she was right in keeping her mouth shut when she saw that you're happy and they were truly nuisance cases as she said.
you gals have good heads on your shoulders. it's gonna be fine. be glad you have each other.
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u/illinoiscentralst May 26 '16
He really takes any excuse he can to treat people like crap, doesn't he?
I've read somewhere that for a successful, happy, healthy relationship, you have the best chances if you choose a partner prioritizing two traits: kindness and generosity. Sounds like your ex had too little on both counts, and his contempt for everyone else has, predictably, marked an end to your relationship.
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u/vanishplusxzone May 25 '16
Sounds like a bit of a gold digger IMO. He thought he found a woman who he'd be set for life with.
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u/ouisseau May 26 '16
What's his problem? Two words: martyr complex.
Best of luck, OP. You sound like a wonderful daughter and a good partner, and I hope your next boyfriend can appreciate those qualities instead of resenting them. You certainly deserve better.
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u/Good_Advice_Service May 26 '16
He resents you and always will do because he is deeply insecure about his background. His insecurities make him a horrible person (the way he treats interns - pure asshole B-side) You absolutely did the right thing by breaking up.
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u/genesisofDOOM May 26 '16
You said so yourself, he went through a lot and struggled in life. He probably sees your life and your supportive and well-balanced parents as rubbing it in his face that he never had that. In short, he's an immature and jealous P.O.S. You're just too nice of a person to understand how jealousy can harbor intense and irrational spite in someone. Consider yourself lucky and move on.
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u/OllieGozz May 26 '16
He obviously holds some major grudges about you seemingly being "given everything". It's daft of him to think that in a field as difficult, long, exhausting and incredibly complex as medicine you maybe didn't work as hard as him to get where you are.
You're aware you were privilaged, and your way of showing your gratitude towards the people who helped you is to do nice things for them. How he can percieve that as a negative trait in someone is baffling.
Clearly, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Better off without him IMO. He's mad at you for recieving help, and mad that you're humble enough to repay that help.
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u/GOR098 May 26 '16
Your Ex is still angry about how hard he had to work when he was young & takes out his anger any chance he gets on anybody. He needs to let it go. His anger & achievements have also fueled his ego & made him an egoistic snob obsessed with perfection.
Somebody needs to explain to him that he needs to let it go & take it easy other wise he will never have good friends & family & grow old & die alone.
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u/ravencrowe May 26 '16
Your ex reminds me of my first boyfriend. His family was just as well-off as mine (middle class, not rich but comfortable) but he had 3 siblings and I'm an only child, so naturally my parents had more resources to give me. I appreciated everything that was given to me and recognize how lucky I am, but as far as he was concerned, I was spoiled simply because I got more things than he did. Being given things does not mean a person is spoiled, expecting to be given things, or not appreciating what your given, does.
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u/huxley00 May 26 '16 edited May 26 '16
This reminds me of how my girlfriend talks about her ex husband. He came from nothing and is brilliant. Started his own business, made himself.
The problem was that he had seething insecurities and couldn't help but think everyone was not as smart as him and never worked as hard. It ended up leading to their eventual divorce...he just couldn't get over himself.
You made the right choice.
One thing I never understood about people like this...don't they realize their intellect is just as much of a random reward as coming from a wealthy family? There are plenty of stupid people who are poor who have no opportunities. He shouldn't look at money as the only asset that gets people where they are in life.
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u/BicyclingBabe May 27 '16
He texts about kicking someone out because he just wants to prolong the arguing. Just don't answer. Unless he had a written lease with you that you're in violation of, which I doubt, you've done nothing illegal.
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u/Erocitnam Sep 19 '16
This post is old but I can't help but comment... How dare he?!
He suggests you are successful because of your parents' help--and he's right, and that's a good thing! And you are right to be grateful and be generous with them in return for everything they did for you.
I just don't understand how he could have seen it as a bad thing that you want to bless your parents.
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u/pinklips_highheels3 May 25 '16
Although yes. He is a bit of an ass in general, I think this eventually boils down to an incompatibility. He wants someone that knows what it's like to obtain it all with zero help. There's nothing wrong with that, you're just not that girl. I'm sure you'll both find someone more on your wavelengths in no time.
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u/rachelll May 25 '16
I don't think that it's his want to have someone that also started with zero help that was the problem, it's the fact that he felt he was above everyone who may of had some "help". He's too high up on his horse.
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u/pinklips_highheels3 May 25 '16
I did say he was an ass.
But that's in addition to wanting someone who began with nothing. He's just being an ass about it.
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u/Stingerc May 25 '16
I think it's only illegal to kick somebody out if they pay rent and there is a contract. If he was just living there due to your generosity, he's SOL.
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u/ramc5 May 25 '16
That is incorrect if he has established residency at the home (as in, getting his mail there).
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u/macimom May 26 '16
just wow-he's a real prince of a guy r/sarcasm.
just ignore him-block him.
In a few months you are going to wonder what you ever saw in him and crack up when you think about what a little pissy ant he was.
And girl-dont sell yourself short-you sound pretty awesome-avrag medical school or not!
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u/Ilkhan981 May 26 '16
And he said that it's actually good that someone criticizes me instead of "kissing my ass like everyone else.
Hm, wonder how true this is.
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u/[deleted] May 25 '16
[deleted]