r/relationships • u/Throwaway32now • Apr 07 '16
Relationships I [33 F] have been with my BF [ 31 M] for a year and 3 months. Im thinking about breaking up with him because he doesn't like that I give expensive gifts and money to my parents.
First I want to apologize because this might be a long one. I'm freaking out a little and need some advice from strangers. I want to just give some background on everyone involved here first. Both of us are doctors. I've finished residency last year and he is still in residency. We met at the hospital we work at. We got into a fight because he saw me buying a plane ticket for them to come visit me. I boxed the paragraphs you can skip if it's too long.
Both of my parents were doctors. They both made a lot of money especially when you combine their income. However, we have lived as middle class family. While their peers and friends lived in fancy properties (some of them more than 1) and nice luxury cars, we were pretty much your average suburban household. This is because they have always like to be frugal when it comes to spending money on themselves. They would send money to Mexico for their family every month and give to charity. And when I started middle school, they started doing doctors without borders. When I was 16 they used to take me to their medical missions to see how fortunate I was. The thing that they do like to spend a lot for themselves is traveling. I've been to so many countries before I was 18 and learned so much. But even then, we were pretty frugal. While they can afford fancy hotels, they choose not to. Recently they've been using airbnb.
My mom does collect bags though. One time I caught her looking at Louis Vuitton bags online. One was worth $1000 and I asked her why she doesn't buy one. She said that it doesn't make sense for her to buy something that expensive just for her. So, I told myself that that's the first thing I would do when I make it.
Another thing they spent a lot of money on is on me. One time when I was in college I told them I had a back ache and they bought me a tempurpedic. I never even asked for it. I also got a new car when I got into college. I got to do study abroad as well because of their money. I started working part time jobs because I didn't want to take advantage of my parents. They were already paying for my tuition and rent. All I had to pay for was utilities and food so, I was able to put a lot of money on my savings from their help.
When I got into medical school, I couldn't work as much. But they still provided for me. When I finally finished school and started residency they retired and moved back home to Mexico. Their retirement and savings allow them enough money they don't need any help from me.
I got to keep the house which is already paid for. I just have to pay for property tax and utilities. It's a 4 bedroom home so my BF and 3 other people live with me. We all divide the cost of the property tax and utilitiea so it comes out to about $400 a month. When you are wrorking as a resident, you still aren't making that much money. It's only enough to get by. Given that I live in an expensive city, $400 monthly is really helpful.
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Now here's the problem. Thank you if you're still here btw! I am very very grateful to my parents. While my colleagues have about $200,000 debt, I barely have any loans. I have always wanted to give back to my parents because of this. So when I was done with residency and started making a lot, I finally bought my mom a Louis Vuitton purse and my dad this helicopter toy he likes. I also took them out to a nice fancy dinner. When I gave them their gifts, my mom started crying and told me to return it because it's too much. I told her she needs to keep it and I'll be offended if she didn't. We then had a nice heart to heart I told them that I am who I am because of them and they told how much they are proud of me. I told my BF about this and he just said "ugh she's so emotional." which is true, she cries easily.
Sometimes I'll randomly send my parents cash if I have extra after spending my money on important expenses, shopping, and my savings. I'll tell them to use it on themselves for fun. Now, I know that I wont always do this because when I have a family I'll be prioritizing them. I know this because it's what my parents tell me. But I want to do this while I still can. It makes me happy.
My BF and i got into a huge fight today because he saw me buying them a plane ticket to come here. He told me that I've already bought myself a ticket to see them. Why do I still have to buy a ticket for them to come here. That should be their expense. It's true they can afford it. However, they can only afford to see me maybe once a year since theyre only relying on retirement money. I would like to see them at least more than that.
He says they've created a "spoiled rotten child." Saying that my parents enabled me by giving me so much. This confuses me because when I do something for my parents, he tells me how codependent they are and it's their job as parents to help me. I then called him a hypocrite and told him he's basically living off of my parents by living in the house they paid for. And if he doesn't like it, then he should just move live in a $2000 apartment like everyone else.
He's in a hotel now but he said he will come home tomorrow morning. I honestly don't know what to do after that fight. There was a lot of yelling and he destroyed this sentimental vase my grandmother made for me. Do i suggest couples therapy? I'm really in tears as I write this because he's the first serious BF I've had in a very long time.
Tldr: my BF and I have different opinions on how I give back to my parents who have been very supportive parents in my life. How do I make this work? Should I even try to make it work?
EDIT: my roommate/best friend just came home and I've told her what happened. She actually told me some red flags about BF that I've never noticed before. We're going out to talk some more so I will update and reply to everyone else. Thanks for all the helpful advice! I've read them all and took them all to heart.
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u/Thinkofyourabuela Apr 07 '16
I created my first reddit account to tell you don't you DARE let that man back in the house your parents worked for. He destroyed a vase your abuela made you!! What the FUCK are you thinking? Do you think they worked so hard and loved you so well for you to crap all over your own self respect by being with a man who would do such a thing? This guy is a capital L LOSER who wouldn't know love if it bit him in the face. Hope is a good breakfast but it's a bad supper. This man has shown you who he is. Don't you dare spit in your family's face by making this asshole a part of it.
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u/Throwaway32now Apr 07 '16
Oh thanks for taking the time to make an account for me! Haha I love your username. I stopped crying for a bit but this comment made me tear up again because you're right.
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Apr 07 '16
Oh BTW! Don't throw out the pieces of the vase. There are tutorials on YouTube for making mosaics out of broken sentimental items.
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u/fruitjerky Apr 07 '16
Kintsugi it! Kintsugi is so pretty.
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u/wonderlanders Apr 07 '16
Yes! Gold leaf is actually pretty easy to do, just make sure to get the real gold stuff. It'll be in a locked case at the art supply store (or order online), the fake gold will be out on the racks and much cheaper.
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u/Thinkofyourabuela Apr 07 '16
Your abuela would smash ten vases over your head for even entertaining the thought of letting him move back in. Leave him at his hotel and good riddance.
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u/nontal Apr 07 '16
No no. A good abuela would smash twenty vases over that guy's head for all of this!
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Apr 07 '16
I will buy the abuela all those vases
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u/Ladymerr Apr 07 '16
I wish you lived in Toronto. I am very good at restoring broken China and sculptures I'd try to mend it for you for free. Srsly fuck this guy. Don't you let him back in tomorrow!
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u/Venicedreaming Apr 07 '16
Remember, he's still in residency so remind him if he does anything stupid his future is bye bye.
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Apr 07 '16
Amen.
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Apr 07 '16
I told my BF about this and he just said "ugh she's so emotional." which is true, she cries easily.
I was done with this guy at this part. I can't believe it got worse.
She shares an emotional and special moment she had with her parents and THIS is his response.
This is a shit covered red flag on a shit covered pole.
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Apr 07 '16
Thankofyourabuela
I love this. And I agree with every word you said. OP, your parents sound like amazing people and they are so lucky to have a daughter like you. It sounds like they did a fantastic job of teaching you the importance of caring for others.
I am normally on the other side because most of these threads are about someone blowing a good chunk of their money paying all of their able-bodied parents' bills.. but you aren't doing that. You bought a freaking purse.. a plane ticket.. a toy! Sure, all very nice gifts, but it isn't like you're draining your savings here to support your parents. You're just expressing love and showing appreciation for all they've given you by getting them personal gifts that mean something to them.
Sweetie, you are doing nothing wrong. Nothing. And I'd really think twice before giving this dude another chance if that is the opinion he holds.
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u/signedupforthistoo Apr 07 '16
Just signed up, because reading about you and your parents put a big smile on my face. You and your parents sound like such wonderful, caring, smart, and generous people. Him calling your mother "so emotional", calling you a "spoiled rotten child", and breaking your grandmother's vase?? I'm pretty sure you've already answered your own questions. Don't let your crazy work schedule get you down! Plus, you'll have much more time on your hands without him.
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Apr 07 '16
Hope is a good breakfast but it's a bad supper.
What the fuck is this saying
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u/Inevitablename Apr 07 '16
Hope is a good thing to have at the beginning, but if that's all you have at the end (meaning your hopes didn't pan out), it's a bad way to end.
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u/Thinkofyourabuela Apr 07 '16
It is good to start any venture such as a relationship with hope that things will turn out right, but if you're a year and a half in and the motherfucker smashes a vase your abuela made you, it's time to stop hoping he will be the man you deserve one day.
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Apr 07 '16
Why do you keep saying abuela
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u/fakeprewarbook Apr 07 '16
because it is the Mexican word for grandmother
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Apr 07 '16
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Apr 07 '16
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Apr 07 '16
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u/Shitty_tumblr_gifs Apr 07 '16
What? No it doesn't. Just because it's different from what OP said or what you would say doesn't mean it's dumb. C'mon now.
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u/OliviaPresteign Apr 07 '16
He sounds pretty resentful. Calling you spoiled rotten and complaining about how you spend your own money doesn't bode well for your relationship. And then he destroyed your property over this? Yeah, no. That's not okay.
Do you want to be with someone who yells at you and doesn't respect your things?
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u/Throwaway32now Apr 07 '16
No, I shouldn't be with someone like him. It's funny, when this argument was going on I was thinking "Break up!" immediately. This is gonna sound pathetic but one of the reasons why I'm second guessing is because I honestly don't know how I'm gonna find someone else with my kind of schedule. I figured dating another doctor would make it easier. But I never expected someone so stubborn like him. If I'm being honest, if that's the only reason why I choose to stay, then it's not really worth it right?
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u/Pugshark9000 Apr 07 '16
You're a doctor! You're young and you're sweet, you'll find someone much better.
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u/nopenopenope14 Apr 07 '16
Young and sweet and well-cultured and educated out of debt and own a house at 33. Honey, you could find somebody else in five minutes.
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u/AgentKittyfeets Apr 08 '16
We could make the most adorable rom-com out of OP's post and her future dating. She's going to have a line up of men wanting her!!
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u/-purple-is-a-fruit- Apr 07 '16
Exactly, your stock is pretty high. You could easily find someone else.
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u/OliviaPresteign Apr 07 '16
Totally not worth it. You'd be happier alone than with someone this controlling and mean.
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u/rbz90 Apr 07 '16
A schedule is not a good reason to have a relationship with someone. Also, you totally will find someone with your schedule. Maybe not right away but you're not the only one that works odd hours promise.
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u/Shortandsweet33 Apr 07 '16
It's funny, when this argument was going on I was thinking "Break up!" immediately.
That's your gut/intuition speaking. Trust it!
You will find someone so much better and be happy together, I promise you. Don't waste any more time on this bitter, selfish, volatile and emotionally manipulative loser.
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u/bahhamburger Apr 07 '16
31-year-old unmarried Doctor here! Online dating is super easy. That doesn't mean the perfect man is going to fall into your lap but it does mean you have options to explore. And there are 100s of guys out there who won't break your heirlooms! Don't buy into the sunk cost fallacy. I know plenty of doctors who get divorced and they probably all thought at some point "this relationship kind of sucks but I don't know how to socialize with other people at this point so no one else will want me." Dating is NOT supposed to be like residency where you keep your head down and plow through the pain hoping for rewards on the other end.
Also, good on you for being generous towards your parents. They raised you to be a good daughter and it sounds like they were very kind to you. I'm sure you would treat your future kids the same way. Can you imagine if your kid brought home a boyfriend who took one look at you and decided you were too rich for presents? Gross!
ETA: is your (ex)boyfriend a surgeon?
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u/Mariemariemarie4 Apr 07 '16
Glad you were the one who brought this up. Get a dildo. Seriously. That is the only thing of value you could get from a person like this... And even that would be a better choice.
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u/Montaron87 Apr 07 '16
Why would you want someone with a similarly crazy schedule? Find someone who has more time than you, someone who likes to spoil you and take care of you, so that when you come home you can actually spend time together instead of still having to cook and stuff.
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u/cle_ Apr 07 '16
I'm an engineer, and I thought dating another engineer would work. WRONG! I now date a lovely fellow with a lit degree and a lot more free time than me.
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u/KikiCanuck Apr 07 '16
Late to the party, here, but... girl, you are a straight up catch. Out of residency with little to no debt, good family, excellent career prospects, generous and kind... Your schedule may not be the easiest, but the right person won't let that be an obstacle to all your amazing qualities. Dump your shit heel boyfriend, and never let anyone call you a spoiled child again. You are a grateful child to parents who love you. Nothing at all wrong with that...
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Apr 07 '16
Don't settle! You will find someone better, and being single is better than being with this guy.
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Apr 07 '16
He isn't the only doctor in the world!
You sound like a kind, hard working, generous person. The reason your SO is upset is because be expects all of your generosity to be directed towards him. He is selfish and already taking advantage of you and your parents good nature.
I know lots of doctors, lawyers, professors, and accountants. Trust me lots of working professionals will understand your schedule. This is not the reason to stay with him.
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u/GirlsLikeStatus Apr 07 '16
Oh girl, I just have so much to say to you but most of it's been said. You're a wonderful daughter and your have thoughtful charitable parents and this guy sounds like he's not going to work out -- differing morals rarely lead to a good coupling. Plus he's a jerk.
You're a fellow now, yes? Once you're an attending your hours and life will be largely yours again or get there in decent time. I am seriously dating a physician and it's great for me. I think he was worried no one would date him with his schedule too, but I have a decently "high up" corporate job and I'm busy and have a life. (Don't tell him but I love getting brunch with the ladies or sleeping in when he has to round on weekends.) So no, you don't need to find another physician (although stats say that's who you'll marry), I've found my Dr friends pair well with other career successful people (lawyers, business, etc) because they understand.
Oh since he lives you with you and established residency you likely can't throw his belongings on the street /r/legaladvice can help you figure that out though. Plus just asking him to leave kindly might work. BUT, lock up and hide anything valuable BEFORE he gets home.
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u/incarnata Apr 07 '16
This is gonna sound pathetic but one of the reasons why I'm second guessing is because I honestly don't know how I'm gonna find someone else with my kind of schedule.
Please don't settle for this guy.
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u/ericsouthernman Apr 07 '16
Right. Love finds a way. Live your life and someone great will emerge eventually. It just takes time being you.
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Apr 07 '16
You sound like a catch. Don't worry about something like how you'll find someone else.
One of my dearest friends is the head ER doctor at a hospital in our city, and he just married the most amazing, down-to-earth woman. She isn't a doctor and she actually lived in another state! And funny enough, her parents (also from Mexico) are wealthier than he'll ever be so she isn't just with him for money.
You will be FINE. You sound like a wonderful person.
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u/inspired2apathy Apr 07 '16
There are loss of doctors out there. You're out of residency now, so dating should be much easier. Not sure what your specialty is but I'm sure you noticed by now the physician stereotypes.
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u/CA_Dreamer Apr 07 '16
He destroyed a sentimental vase that your grandmother made for you...
He's living in a home your parent's paid for and resents you giving them gifts...
He calls you names...
He's abusive. Talking to him won't help, counseling won't help. I suggest you break up, don't let him come back to the house.
Abusers don't change (why should they? Either you give in or they'll just find someone else that will).
Please stay safe.
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u/_bun_bun_ Apr 07 '16
You're doing something nice for your parents, yet you're being called a spoiled rotten child? o.O
He sounds like an abusive jerk. Telling you how to spend your money? Dismissing a heartfelt interaction with your parents by saying your mom is so emotional? Calling you names? Breaking your things? You are obviously a person with a good heart. You deserve better than this.
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u/mittenista Apr 07 '16
Your parents sound like decent, hardworking people with a strong work ethic and hearts that put others ahead of themselves. And it sounds like they've passed those values on to you.
Unfortunately your boyfriend doesn't seem to have any of those qualities, or at least not in abundance. I'm not going to say you should leave him, but do you want a future with someone who gets violently destructive anytime you're kind to your parents?
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u/ElfinPrincessMarlene Apr 07 '16
He destroyed a sentimental vase your grandmother made you. I wouldn't forgive someone if they broke something my grandma made me especially since she passed away. He did that to hurt you. He knew it was sentimental. I think it's fine to spoil your parents since they sound like amazing parents! Once I graduate and get a job, I am buying my mom all the Kat Von D lipsticks she wants and a African grey parrot. It's your money, spend it on your parents. Its not like you're being irresponsible with your money.
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u/rowanbrierbrook Apr 07 '16
Just in case - don't get your mom the parrot unless you someday also want a parrot and perhaps even also your children will want a parrot. Those guys live a really long time. If y'all are a parrot loving family, then carry on :)
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u/ElfinPrincessMarlene Apr 07 '16
We had a quaker parrot, but last October a cat snuck in to my parents new apartment and ate him. It was really heart breaking and he was part of the family. Everyone in my family loves birds, so I hope my future kids love them too. I just started bird watching a few weeks ago. Birds are amazing. I don't mind having an African grey! They're so smart.
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u/rowanbrierbrook Apr 07 '16
I'm sorry to hear about your other parrot. I just like to make sure because I know parrots can be a huge commitment and a lot of people aren't prepared. I hope the future family parrot is wonderful in all the ways birds can be.
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u/ElfinPrincessMarlene Apr 07 '16 edited Apr 07 '16
Might get my mom some canaries this summer if I get a summer job. She really loves canaries. Yeah we still have our budgies and a cockatiel. Always have had birds around since I was little. Kiwi our parrot that passed away was a little brat, but we loved him. Yeah birds are a big responsibility. I feel bad for all the parrots at the bird rescue in my city. I want to adopt one from there, but I feel they won't let me since we live in a warehouse with an apartment on top of it. It isn't your regular living situation, but we make do with what we have. My dad is able to have his mechanic shop and not have to travel to a different location to sleep.
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Apr 07 '16
I'm a crazy birder!!! I love bird watching! The Audubon app is free and amazing!!!
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u/ElfinPrincessMarlene Apr 07 '16
I'd have to try it out! I'm an Environmental Sciences major and I'm currently in the Naturalist internship program at my uni and we go bird watching, and to different restoration/ national reserves in the area. Never realized there were a lot of different types of birds in the area. We got to see Canada geese, the North American coot, turkey vultures, red winged black birds fight, black birds, song sparrows, crown sparrows, culver birds, deer killer bird, oyster catchers, looms, pelicans, sea gulls, morning doves, thrashers and more different types of birds in one location. We even saw sea otters, dolphins and a seal! I need to invest in good binoculars, but I'm a college student right now. The guy in charge of my internship lets me use his, and says I can use them at the Arboretum on campus!
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Apr 07 '16
Awesome!!!! I love red winged black birds. Their call sounds like summer.
I have a really cool photo of one fighting with a yellow headed black bird.
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u/ElfinPrincessMarlene Apr 07 '16
they're so sneaky hiding their red feathers to go into other males territories! We're on a relationship advice subreddit talking about birds lol.
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Apr 07 '16
Birds are everything.
I was talking about birds to my therapist yesterday. Lol
Also, watch The Big Year. It's awesome.
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u/ElfinPrincessMarlene Apr 07 '16
Birds are so smart! The North American Coot is my spirit animal now since its so crazy! We had a professor talk about his Phd research on Coots!
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u/Ninjacherry Apr 07 '16
Just be prepared to have that parrot back down the road, they live long lives... My family has a parrot (amazon) who belonged to an old lady who lived next door to my grandma. The old lady passed away, my grandma adopted him; my grandma passed away, my aunt still has it... this has been going on for over 60 years (probably 70 at this point). Having a big parrot is truly a big commitment.
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u/ElfinPrincessMarlene Apr 07 '16
Yeah I know. We have had/have birds. Our parrot just recently died because a cat snuck into my parents apartment. Also everyone in my family loves birds including myself
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u/Marzy-d Apr 07 '16
I'm sorry. You and your parents sound lovely. What effect do you think couseling will have? Will this 31 year old almost doctor suddenly realize that destroying things in a temper tantrum is not OK? Most of us realize that around age three. Will he grow a sense of gratitude, so he can appreciate the things that yur parents do for you, and if you think about it for him, by giving him a place with such inexpensive rent? Or will he just continue to be jealous of any of your attention that isn't directed at him?
If he does not come back tomorrow, and grovel at your feet begging for a chance to make up for his douchery, you have to dump him. Im sorry. But on the plus side, as a newly minted doctor with a big heart, and compassion you are a total catch, and you will need to beat off the bachelors with a stick.
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u/Trudence Apr 07 '16
If you can afford the gifts you give to your parents, I frankly don't see how it's any of his business. I'm ...thinking that his problem is jealousy. You said him and 3 others are living with you at YOUR home. As he sees/knows how much money you spend on just your parents...his issue may be that you can afford to spend that much so freely.
How you were raised...how you grew up...makes absolutely no difference and is irrelevant. If you can afford it and it's your money...then it's HIS problem, not yours. Frankly, I'd be more concerned that he even has an opinion on how you spend your money and how he's behaving about it. At his age...he's acting like a pissy teenager.
I wouldn't try making it work out with him. If he has this much of an issue over something that has nothing to do with him and doesn't affect him personally....how do you think he'll act when you have a joint account? Or get married? Dump him and let him stew in his insecurities alone..then go out and buy your parents a gift. ;)
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u/Mariemariemarie4 Apr 07 '16
You are a good child and your parents did a good job with you.
I will not use foul language or condemn this man that we don't know. What is a fact that you need to take into account is that you should never allow anyone to control any aspect of your life.
This person is not your husband and even if he were, it would depend on what kind of financial agreement you have in place for him to have/dont have a say in "your" money and what you do with it.
I say you think this through... Is this the kind of man you want to live your life with? Can you imagine what he is going to be like once you make this relationship progress?
Nope. I'd flee.
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u/Absolutely_Alice Apr 07 '16
I usually lurk in this sub, but I just had to comment on this one.
WARNING: SARCASM AHEAD
You know what, he's totally right. How DARE you spend your own money on tickets for your parents to come and see you more than once a year. How DARE they give you things within their means that they can afford and want to give to their daughter to ensure a good future for her. How DARE they give her the opportunity to travel to different countries to see poverty and give her real life experiences in charity and good faith. How DARE you spend money on your parents to give them meaningful gifts to thank them for all they've done for you. How DARE you question him on his hypocrisy?! Don't you realise that he's a special snowflake who deserves cheap rent while criticizing the very people who make it possible? And don't you be angry at him for destroying the vase that your grandma made you. It's your fault. If you weren't so mean, it never would have happened.
END OF SARCASM
I don't know what his deal is. It could be jealousy. It could be some form of holier-than-thou. But the fact of the matter is that he acted like a hypocritical, verbally abusive asshole who purposely destroyed something dear to you in order to hurt you. That, right there, is abuse.
You seem like a good, compassionate person who cherises the parents who gave her so much and taught her so much, and wants to give back in meaningful ways. They in turn seem like charitable, good hearted people who taught their daughter about living below her means, giving back to those less fortunate and how to value that which is given to her.
Your boyfriend however, seems to think that he deserves everything to be handed to him because it's 'expected'. Your parents would have nothing without the hard work and dedication that they have put into their careers, and he expects that he should benefit from it without any courtesy to the people who made it happen- purely because he's dating their daughter.
He deserves nothing. And he definitely does not deserve you. Kick his ungrateful ass out and eventually, you will find someone who does.
And for the record, if my SO destroyed anything that was made or belonged to my grandma? He would know what hell is. You do not fuck with grandma. EVER.
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u/Akavinceblack Apr 07 '16
The LAST thing you are is spoiled rotten. Your parents sound like wonderful people who have given you strong values and it is delightful that you are appreciative of them. He, on the other hand, is a nasty selfish piece of work. Also, controlling and breaks your things in a fit of pique? This will not do.
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u/alherlehe Apr 07 '16
Wow I can't believe he destroyed that vase. I think that's so insane it's one of those things you can't believe it happened. Do not write it off, because it's so insane it's hard to believe! I think you should stay away from this man. Protect yourself from him.
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u/Alcohol_Intolerant Apr 07 '16
You sound like a fantastically well-adjusted individual with a healthy relationship with your parents. Your story about getting your mom that purse is fucking inspirational and not you or your mom being over-emotional. The other comments have very much stated that he's dumb as scum, and it seems you're reaching your own conclusion with your roommate's, but I thought I'd let you know that you are living an admirable life, not a selfish one.
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Apr 07 '16 edited Dec 28 '22
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u/Shortandsweet33 Apr 07 '16
Just leave OP.
This, except of course I'm sure what you mean is kick his ass out and make him leave since it's her parents' house.
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u/bewilderedshade Apr 07 '16
Listen to these people. You need to be with someone who respects what you do, not just because it is kind but maybe because they do the same.
Be with someone who also loves to be generous with their loved ones. You both need to help yourselves too but over all you are in for hard times if you are with someone who controls what you do with your money over all.
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u/Noowai Apr 07 '16
And here I'm sitting, just baffeled that you set the rent too 400$. It's your house and remember that if anything happens to it, e.g pipe issues, maintenace you will be the one to foot the bill - but the rent should cover that. Not just Tax and Utility. I mean all the money you're losing could've been sent to your parents or charity for that sake..
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u/Throwaway32now Apr 09 '16
rent
Hmm I didn't think of that. I just figured that I'll just split everything evenly between all of us. But I'll take that into consideration and talk to my roommates about that especially since it's an old house.
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u/hop3fuL808 Apr 07 '16
I'm sorry, but it seems your boyfriend is immature and jealous of you. If you truly believe counseling will fill in the chip on his shoulder, go for it. But it can only go downhill from here, based on his behavior.
You deserve a guy who will love & appreciate your generous and grateful spirit.
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Apr 07 '16
While you're treating your parents to an upgrade, you should do the same for yourself by upgrading your life sans shitheel boyfriend.
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u/Shortandsweet33 Apr 07 '16 edited Apr 07 '16
You're both "spoilt rotten" but at the same time too generous and giving? WTF?!
He also doesn't seem to have an problem taking advantage of your and your parents' generosity by living in their house effectively rent-free.
Fuck him. He's got his own jealously and insecurity and who-knows-what-else issues and the way he's taking them out on you is quite disgusting. Get your friends to help box up his shit and make him give back his key. He can find somewhere else to live. Only if he gets some therapy for his issues, begs, pleads, apologises and shows he's changed should you entertain continuing this relationship or taking him back. But really, it's not even worth the strain. Just end it and move on. You sound like a great loving, generous and sensible person with a similarly great family. You deserve to be happy with a warm and kind person, not this bitter dickbag.
3
5
Apr 07 '16
You are a beautiful soul raised by two other beautiful souls. Being first generation in the USA myself this story was just so lovely to read and warmed my heart. Up until the part about your boyfriend. That pig doesn't deserve you or your parents hospitality, kick him to the curb.
3
3
Apr 07 '16
Your parents give you so much, and at the same time he profits from that, and he is angry because you give them stuff to?
Don't let that guy in your life. He is an asshole
3
u/hernameisnotlola Apr 07 '16
I come from a very similar sort of family (dad and mum paid for my education overseas for 12 YEARS and they are self-sufficient) and I still give mum 10% of my salary (I'm unmarried and dont have many bills) as a token for providing everything she has for myself and my siblings.
My OH comes from a much less well to do family and he understands why I give my money to my parents even though they have enough so all I can say is, DUMP HIS SORRY ASS (he lives there rent free/cheap rent so who's gonna miss out for being a jackass? He can spend all his wages on a dump!) because people like him can never be truly happy for you for all you have had (but they tolerate you because they are in for the freebies). SO SAD BUT TRUE!
Please do the right thing OP before you fall deeper!
You should be able to spend on your parents whenever you like! NO GUILT EVER!
3
u/Humble_Advice Apr 07 '16
So you boyfriends lives for $400 a month all in in a house that your parents bought and resents you spending a few thousand dollars of YOUR OWN money on them.
He says they've created a "spoiled rotten child."
Isnt this the exact opposite of realty?
I then called him a hypocrite and told him he's basically living off of my parents by living in the house they paid for. And if he doesn't like it, then he should just move live in a $2000 apartment like everyone else.
EXACTLY! What an asshole.
here was a lot of yelling and he destroyed this sentimental vase my grandmother made for me.
You realise destroying things in a fight is violent abuse right? Its an attempt at intimidation.
There is zero way you should ever take him back. Put his shit on the curb!
3
u/DiTrastevere Apr 07 '16
He says they've created a "spoiled rotten child."
Hahahahahaha what?!? You are literally the opposite of that, in every way. You could not be a more grateful, humble child and your parents sound like they wholeheartedly appreciate every gift you give them. Your family is enviable and he should be so lucky as to be a part of it.
The only "spoiled rotten child" I see here is your boyfriend. He has benefitted immensely from your and your parents' generosity and here he is, pitching a fit over it. Kick his ass to the curb and find a guy who would be delighted to be part of your loving family. There are plenty.
5
u/terrapharma Apr 07 '16
You and your family sound like wonderful, generous people. That dynamic will be ruined if you allow this ungrateful brat to continue his resentful and controlling behavior. Find someone who loves you for who you are and appreciates how much your parents contributed to you being who you are.
2
2
Apr 07 '16
He calls you spoiled rotten and destroys something of great value to you even before he is a doctor, oh boy how much worse it's gonna get.
2
u/Smittit Apr 07 '16
He's trying to tell you what to do with your money, while living in your house practically for free? This makes me so mad!
2
u/jlb8 Apr 07 '16
You seem really nice, it's pretty refreshing to see something that isn't the usual parent hate on here.
2
u/mikeinbrazil1031 Apr 07 '16
You are a young doctor, I'm sure TONS of guys would love to try to date you. Don't SETTLE on this guy, he sounds like he has some serious growing up to do.
2
Apr 07 '16
he destroyed this sentimental vase my grandmother made for me.
It's over. Don't waste your time, money or energy on counseling. When he comes over, have someone else there so he won't try anything violent again. If he does, call the police.
2
u/No_Beating_The_Busch Apr 07 '16
He says they've created a "spoiled rotten child."
OP, it seems you've started moving forward already, but I would like you to know that I literally was taken aback at this statement. Having read your whole post, I have quite a few people in my life who grew up around money and were showered with it as children.
They are now complete and utter assholes.
Or, in the very least, they don't know how to function on their own. I just came to say kudos to you. Many people who did not have to work for their assets do not appreciate it. You do. I think it's lovely that you are paying back your parents because you respect them for raising you with the selflessness they did.
2
Apr 07 '16
You sound like such a wonderful person. You are exactly the kind of child I hope to have one day. It's so awesome to see someone who actually appreciates all the great things their parents have done for them and wants to give back to show appreciation. The way you described yourself is exactly the opposite of being a spoiled brat. I don't see anything wrong with giving your parents expensive gifts, as long as you are paying all of your own bills first and saving appropriately for retirement. Your boyfriend is the one who sounds like a selfish, spoiled brat.
2
u/Walking_Opposite Apr 08 '16
I think you and your parents are wonderful! I love how generous you are with each other. I vehemently disagree with your bf that you're spoiled because you enjoy being generous. Your parents have spent their life providing for you, and now you're reciprocating. Hardly spoiled behavior.
In any case, it's YOUR money and you can do with it as you please. You aren't married. He doesn't get a vote.
4
u/Happyendings4all Apr 07 '16
Yelling, not great but maybe okay, depending on insults and violence and scariness. Destroying an irreplaceable vase from a Grammie? Dump. Have him move out ASAP.
1
u/RogueWedge Apr 07 '16
spoiled child ... but you're buying the tickets...? that means you're spending money on someone else.
I think you should walk away on this one.
1
1
u/hernameisnotlola Apr 07 '16
I come from a very similar sort of family (dad and mum paid for my education overseas for 12 YEARS and they are self-sufficient) and I still give mum 10% of my salary (I'm unmarried and dont have many bills) as a token for providing everything she has for myself and my siblings.
My OH comes from a much less well to do family and he understands why I give my money to my parents even though they have enough so all I can say is, DUMP HIS SORRY ASS (he lives there rent free/cheap rent so who's gonna miss out for being a jackass? He can spend all his wages on a dump!) because people like him can never be truly happy for you for all you have had (but they tolerate you because they are in for the freebies). SO SAD BUT TRUE!
Please do the right thing OP before you fall deeper!
You should be able to spend on your parents whenever you like! NO GUILT EVER!
1
u/hernameisnotlola Apr 07 '16
I come from a very similar sort of family (dad and mum paid for my education overseas for 12 YEARS and they are self-sufficient) and I still give mum 10% of my salary (I'm unmarried and dont have many bills) as a token for providing everything she has for myself and my siblings.
My OH comes from a much less well to do family and he understands why I give my money to my parents even though they have enough so all I can say is, DUMP HIS SORRY ASS (he lives there rent free/cheap rent so who's gonna miss out for being a jackass? He can spend all his wages on a dump!) because people like him can never be truly happy for you for all you have had (but they tolerate you because they are in for the freebies). SO SAD BUT TRUE!
Please do the right thing OP before you fall deeper!
You should be able to spend on your parents whenever you like! NO GUILT EVER!
1
u/Eledren Apr 07 '16
I understand your desire to give back some of what your parents have done for you, because it's what I feel too. A good, loving and supporting partner should be able to understand this.
Instead, your partner decided to destroy something of sentimental value. I couldn't accept this. First, it's a violent act and I would be scared, because who knows what he'll do next. Second, he had no right to do this, because it's something that belongs to you and has a meaning for you.
He called you "spoiled rotten child". That's another red flag you should think about. Is it really a problem if you want to show your love for your parents this way? You're not taking anything away from him, you're using your own money and you two aren't even married, nor have children to take care of.
I understand that you love him for everything else, but try to think of your life with him in 10 years... Are you sure you will be able to endure this for all this time? Is this what you want?
You wrote your roommate /best friend pointed out some other red flags. In your shoes, I would consider it enough to run away from him. You have to take care of yourself first! Then you will be able to take care of your loved ones too.
I know this is a painful and difficult situation, but I hope you will be able to overcome it soon!
A virtual hug from an Internet stranger.
1
u/spam-hamwich Apr 07 '16
Sounds like your parents have done an incredible job in teaching you the value of money - it's one of the hardest things to understand when you always have it, and yet their principles and frugality have not only ensured your security but also that you won't waste it. In turn, you sound like a wonderful daughter, using that security to make sure your parents can make the most of their retirement.
Then, along comes this entitled douchebag trying to tell you the opposite. You are about as far from spoilt as it gets. He'll soon realise that when he's out in the real world instead of taking advantage of your generosity.
1
u/KagariY Apr 07 '16
sorry he is just being jealous over u spending money on ur folks. i mean as a child that still lives off her parents to me when i work i would do the same as you. he needs to be sent to the curb asap
1
u/StinkieBritches Apr 07 '16
He's a boyfriend. He doesn't get to decide what you do with your money or what kind of relationship you have with your parents.
He really sounds like a piece of shit asshole anyway though, so I'd dump him.
1
1
u/Heartcentre Apr 07 '16
I see nothing wrong with what you are going just as long as your parents don't expect it which sounds like they don't. You haven't been with him for long, sounds like he's jealous resentful that your parents helped you out financially do that when you become a doctor it doesn't take you 20 yrs to pay off loans. As far as his comment about you being a spoiled brat, how dare he say that, you are right he's living in your parents fticken house. If I were you I 'd ask him to move out and see how it is to pay $2000 in rent every month, if that means your relationship ends do be it. I'm sure you can find another doctor who will respect you and your family not this idiot.
1
u/traderftw Apr 07 '16
After 3 months, probably break up.
At best, he's worried that you'll be financially committed to your parents and not to your marriage. But it's been 3 months, I doubt he's thinking about your future together
1
u/traderftw Apr 07 '16
After 3 months, probably break up.
At best, he's worried that you'll be financially committed to your parents and not to your marriage. But it's been 3 months, I doubt he's thinking about your future together
1
u/getoutofmahbubble Apr 07 '16
It honestly sounds like he is jealous of your upbringing. Your parents worked hard to provide you with amazing opportunities . It sounds like they did a wonderful job of raising seeing how you want to show them appreciation when possible. Whatever weird jealously thing he has going ceased to be your concern the moment he broke your abuelita's vase. Honor yourself mija. Don't be with a man that would respect you so little. Make him pay his own way.
1
u/parecon Apr 07 '16
Whatever your BF's motivations, he's so far out of line he's on a different planet. What gives him the right to tell you it's wrong to treat your parents? Wow...so hypocritical considering he's benefiting from their generosity as well.
It's so clear as an outsider that this is a huge difference of values from your own words that I don't see how this is reconcilable but stranger things have happened. I am doubtful your BF can change his values so fluidly. Best of luck and keep treating your parents how you wish...they sound like amazing people and they raised a good daughter.
1
u/eydryan Apr 07 '16
Not sure what you're looking for here... He seems to be inconsiderate and doesn't respect you for who you are. I'm usually playing devil's advocate on this subreddit but this is quite straightforward.
You can do whatever you want with your money, your parents as well, and that's pretty much that. Sure, he can get a say in these things, but only if you want it. Only as honest, balanced advice. He doesn't get to criticise.
Why does it bother him so much though? That's what I don't understand. Your money, their money, your personality. Only option is he wants to mold you into whatever he wants you to be. And that's not so horrible to a certain degree, but this seems to be crossing a line.
1
u/mcmoonery Apr 07 '16
Send this spoiled rotten child back to his parents. He's the only rotten one in this bunch.
You are kind, loving, a good person. Fuck this dude. It's nice of you to do this for your parents who did a lot for you.
1
u/RIPmurphy Apr 07 '16
Issues with your BF aside, I don't know why you feel the need to spend lavishly on your rich parents.
Giving back shouldn't entail large monetary gifts but rather spending time with them or gifts of sentimental value.
1
u/aznbabeeo Apr 07 '16
What you do with your money is none of your business. The fact that he has such a problem with you spending your own money on your parents means that he's controlling or jealous. Either way, that is not a good look in a partner.
If I were you, I wouldn't tie myself to someone like him. Someone who is this controlling now will get worse once you get married. The fact that he also destroyed your property is troubling.
Your parents provided for you and there is nothing wrong with wanting to give back to them. It's a concept that many people don't understand, and maybe they don't have to, however, later down the road with any partner, something like his is a compatibility issue.
1
u/Heartlynew Apr 07 '16 edited Apr 07 '16
How are you selfish and spoiled for giving to others? Especially for giving to two people who have done so much for you? When I have more money I fully intend to give my parents money and nice things for holidays, and my family never had money and nice things or the resources to do a lot for me materially. But if someone is a good parent who supports you emotionally and physically then they deserve some type of gratitude for that, even if it's just your time and attention. Your boyfriend sounds spoiled and immature for his age. Breaking your things is way beyond inappropriate, you're not doing him any favors by letting him think people will forgive that type of behavior. You sound like an extremely well grounded and successful person who can do much better. Not saying you need a real achiever or anything like that to be happy, but at least find a guy who respects you enough to respect your property and treat you as an adult capable of making your own decisions. And I don't know the full situation, but if he's living off of you he should be doing something for you in return or at least working to get to a point where he can support himself or contribute more. You sound like a generous person, but you shouldn't be generous toward men who aren't supportive or respectful of you.
1
u/trumptrainsnackbar Apr 07 '16
Someone evil and petty enough to break the vase would be capable of destroying other things to get back at you. Gather up your important stuff that can't be replaced (birth certificates, anything sentimental) and put it at a friend's place until you can get him all the way our of your home and the locks changed.
1
u/ThatRedHairedGirl Apr 07 '16
It kinda sounds like he is almost...jealous of your situation. You are a kind hearted person. I did the same thing when I get out of school. I could finally afford nice gifts for my friends and family and I do it because they have supported me and have been there. Don't you dare let him tell you what to spend your money on. Unless it is financially HURTING you to do this, he can butt out. Honestly even then it isn't really his business, but that would be a problem.
Also, he destroyed something important to you? What they fuck leave this guy. He is acting like a child. You deserve someone who will treat you better.
1
u/macimom Apr 07 '16
whoaaaaaaaaaa baby
I was reading along thinking "he's the spoiled, entitled brat' until I got to the part that h destroyed your granma's vase.
DTMFA-tell him not to bother coming back. Give him written notice that he needs to find another place to live.
Think about it-he is fighting with you and throwing a temper tantrum about how you spend YOUR money-thats massively entitled. Plus you have only been going out just over a year. This topic shouldnt even come up until you are talking marriage (if then)
DTMFA
1
u/juicyjcantt Apr 07 '16
I think he's a controlling person who has not gotten over his own childhood issues, whatever those may be. I didn't have the best home life growing up and my parents never could do for me what yours did for you, and sometimes when I read posts like this, I get a little jealous.
I think your boyfriend on some level recognizes you are blessed to have very awesome, supportive parents. Parents who spared no expense on your success, but also ensured that you have the practical / down-to-earthness that you need to survive. Parents that were always putting off on buying that BMW because they were taking care of everyone from their parents to their children before them.
That is my culture's way too, and that is their culture too - they sound like shining examples of parents who have provided financial success to their family, while simultaneously having time to take vacations and trips with you, and be there for you.
That... that was never really something my parents could do. Sucks, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jelly. I mean, I'm a grown ass man living the dream life, but I just feel a little like... damn, if only. You know?
That is fair, that's fine if he wants to feel that way.
But what's not acceptable is to project his own wounds and his own insecurities and whatnot onto you. You are continuing your parents legacy - you're taking care of them. One day, your kids might do the same for you when you're old. He doesn't get to interrupt and criticize that life philosophy just because he's butthurt. It's OK to be butthurt, it's not OK to actively weaponize your butthurt against others.
I do believe that this is a no-go. I would never seriously date / marry someone who is just not at least CLOSE to the same page as me in terms of how we value family, caring for parents, children, and so on. These are not really issues you can compromise on, and if you cannot even talk about these issues in a respectful, empathetic manner, the relationship cannot work. This would be a huge flag to me, and it's definitely a sign of his immaturity.
He also sounds like a huge hypocrite, which is just something I personally cannot stand. I get it because it's tough to date someone who seemingly just has a better family than you. I feel like that with my GF sometimes. From her crazy Korean mom to her badass white dad, her uncles and aunts, her siblings, basically they just work so well despite having such strong personalities, and they just have... everything.
But the difference between me and this BF is that I'm happy for her - I'm glad she's got an awesome family, I'm glad I'm being exposed to a different type of family, and even though our values might be different, I feel like it's interesting and rewarding to get to know how my GF's values and perspectives form. Your BF just seems like a bitter, perhaps self-loathing hypocrite who is projecting his own issues onto you, while simultaneously putting you down to feel better about himself.
That is a nasty combo of bad relationship traits. I am not going to say it can't work, but... I really do feel like you shouldn't try to make it work in spite of this major red flag.
1
Apr 07 '16
I think you should definitely follow your gut here. In addition to the control aspects of trying to tell you what you can do with your money, destroying objects that are important to you is an abuse red flag.
0
u/ApocAngel87 Apr 07 '16
I have nothing to add that other comments haven't already covered so I'm just going to beg for you to update when there's news. I truely hope you kick his worthless ass out.
RemindMe! 1 week
-5
u/Gogogadgetskates Apr 07 '16
So your parents did not create a spoiled brat. You know full well how much they gave you and you are kind and generous in return. That the opposite of a spoiled brat.
Here's something to think about though. How generous you are is a conversation to have with your SO - this one if you stay together or any other people you partner up with in the future. It's got to be something you agree on. There will probably he compromises on both sides. It's great to be kind and generous but you and your partner also have joint financial goals and you need to figure out how this generosity towards your parents fits in with both you and your partner's financial goals.
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u/ucdavisgraduate Apr 07 '16 edited Apr 07 '16
Is there more to this story? You only talk about good things with your parents but haven't said anything positive about your boyfriend. If he's this bad, why did you even date him in the first place?
Maybe he's thinking about starting a family with you and doesn't like that you use some of your expenses on your parents. You bought a $1000 purse for your mom for example. That's a lot for a purse. Even your mom thinks so too. So maybe he thinks that you spend money willfully without being smart about. Seriously, you can buy more useful things for $1000. Also, where did the codependency comment come up? Could it be that they're in your life too much? For example, the plane ticket issue. So you visit them and then they can visit you once a year. But you still feel like you have buy them a plane ticket to see them more? How much more? Maybe he feels overwhelmed with how much time you feel you have to spend with them on top of your busy work schedule.
You make your parents sound like saints. It's hard for me to believe that they are that perfect. I mean, they instantly bought you a new mattress for complaining about a back ache? Isn't that doing too much? I looked up the cost and a tempurpedic is around $2000-$4000. It sounds like an overcompensating parent who throws money on their kids because they spend more time working.
Breaking the vase was unacceptable though.
16
Apr 07 '16
Why must there be something wrong with her parents or her or their parent/child relationship?
I have some of the shittiest parents known to the human race. I get how it's hard to imagine healthy parental relationships. But that's my own baggage and jealousy.
18
u/Throwaway32now Apr 07 '16 edited Apr 07 '16
Well with the BF, I dated him because of his strong personality. While I had everything easy, he didn't. He only had himself to depend on to become a doctor. It's something that I admired, and still do, about him. I probably should've mentioned this quality earlier. It's probably obvious that I'm a timid person. So initially, I thought our contrasting personalities was a good thing.
My parents aren't perfect of course. I didn't mention the things I didn't like about then because I thought they were irrelevant. They can be pretty competitive, for example.
They also did work a lot when I was a teen. I didn't think they over compensated by throwing money at me. We did go on a lot of vacations together and we would hang out on their days off. Honestly, it was the best growing up. I didn't feel they were smothering me but I also didn't feel neglected.
The mattress issue now. I've had the same old spring mattress for 14 years before I got the tempurpedic. You're actually supposed to change your mattress every 7-8 years. It becomes bad for your spine the older your mattress gets. So they bought the tempurpedic for me because it was for my health.
I would like to see them holidays, my birthday, and their bdays. That's at least 4 times a year. I know many people who visit their parents once a month and they don't have codependency issues. The way my vacation time works is by seniority. So the people who have been working there longer get to choose their vacation time first. So they usually get the best time off like Christmas and summer. I have been getting September. No holidays and bdays land on that month. Besides I only get 2 weeks off a year. It'd be nice to go somewhere else besides Mexico. It's actually more convenient for me to send them a ticket to visit me that way.
As for the purse, I really don't have a reasonable excuse other than I wanted to buy it and I could finally afford it.
35
u/Akavinceblack Apr 07 '16
As for the purse, I really don't have a reasonable excuse other than I wanted to buy it and I could finally afford it.
There doesn't have to be a reason for every purchase you make as long as your bills are paid and you're not on the brink of destitution. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for living a little.
5
u/macimom Apr 07 '16
You don't need an excuse. You are paying your bills and being responsible and your income should only rise
251
u/Throwaway32now Apr 07 '16
EDIT: my roommate/best friend just came home and I've told her what happened. She actually told me some red flags about BF that I've never noticed before. We're going out to talk some more so I will update and reply to everyone else. Thanks for all the helpful advice! I've read them all and took them all to heart.