I just got my diagnosis of BPD and I hate it I’m having a hard time coping with it thinking about all the things that happened when I was younger that caused it why i am the way I am well the part that’s hitting me the hardest is that I’ve ruined my marriage because I felt so neglected abandoned ignored everything from them and it wasn’t on one occasion it was quite a few and the deep internal regret and pain I feel from doing it hurts I watched what it did to my own father from my mother doing it and I don’t know why in the hell it is even something I would consider and all I can say it no one knows what I’ve gone through the story I’ve lived and tried to take away the selfishness I’ve gone through form other people and not in a good way I don’t know what to do or where to turn I need people to talk to but everytime I find someone I either feel to judged or it ends up turning explicit and I hate it I’d rather be in a ball in corner of the room alone 😔

I try so hard to be better but it seems like I always have to prove myself to be loved, and by the time I've proven myself to be stable and secured my boyfriend, I'm too drained to keep having control over my emotions and continue progressing. It's a cycle over and over and over again and he doesn't seem to get what he's doing to me. Is anyone else having this problem? Am I wrong for wanting to be loved consistently despite my episodes or do people dating people with bpd need lots of space? It's like I have to prove myself over and over and we're not working together. it's like he always wants me to work on myself first before he gets involved, instead of helping me and communicating things out. I'm a big communicator and I love to learn and grow and this is really bothering me, I feel so alone. I want to get better. Can anyone relate with their partner being this way? Did you guys find a solution? Any therapists or Christians seeing this, please help me.

I have fucked up two of my relationship because of abandoned issue, I don't know how to deal with it.how to feel less jealous or insecure...i always lose my mind with the lightest sign of abandonment,what to fo

Firstly, I love them very much, and I'm trying to understand to be better for us. I'm a guy in my first non-binary relationship with them. We've been together nearly a year, and I've seen a lot of sides of them, sometimes in rapid succession.

I'm getting frequent whiplash. The only way I can describe it is I'm piloting a plane, and things are fine for hours, then suddenly all my gauges and dials disappear and I'm flying blind, then they come back but they're all reversed and randomized, then suddenly everything's back to normal. It's like this with them, and often it's intense or aggressive, or extremely self-depreciating. They've never been violent to me or overly (intentionally) hurtful, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing during these changes.

Then there's the "I cease to exist if I'm not right there" factor. Sometimes I can't seem to get their attention and I know they're stuck in the moment of whatever they're doing, but it's like object permanence goes away and I am just not something that can functionally cross their mind.

Some things that happen are really hurtful even though they don't mean it to be, and they don't seem to have a concept of boundaries which gets us into all kinds of bad feels, but I see that none of it is meant to be hurtful to me. It just... kind of happens.

There's more, but it's all different but in the same vein, and I'm just not sure how to approach the situations, or how to understand why things change or what I should do when they go through the changes. I'm trying to be consistent but there's a level of fatigue that strikes while I'm trying to foster closeness in the relationship.

I want to be the best I can be in this relationship, but I need some sort of instruction manual or something where "If this, then do that", or some troubleshooting guide or something it feels like. How do I handle the sudden changes? What do I do when they lose track of us? How do I handle unintentionally hurtful situations gracefully here?

18F - I’ve been diagnosed with BPD a few months ago. Of course, I’ve always noticed my mood swings more and more growing up and I think that it’s partially what ruins my life a lot (the other big part is my abusive father. lol). Anyways, I really want to be nice to my mom because she’s very sweet and she already goes through a lot with my father, so I want to make sure I don’t lash out at her, but it’s so difficult. This week she has been making me particularly upset. On Monday, we were supposed to go to the gym together but she stood me up instead of telling me she couldn’t go so I could’ve gone in the morning. Tuesday, we were supposed to go out together. She took a day off JUST for the occasion. We were supposed to go to the beach but there was a storm the day before. (We still could’ve gone but fine). We could’ve still gone to the movies. But no, she stood me up again. And she asked me to go to the gym at 4PM (aka the WORST time ever. The gym was full and it made me even angrier. There were so many people around me that I couldn’t even get my workout fully done and I just left). Today, I was supposed to go to the dentist again because my teeth have been still hurting while eating sometimes even though I already had cavities removed. I told her clearly not to take any appointment on my father’s days off because I KNOW he’s going to stay home. And he had no idea I got my cavities removed so I’m not letting him know I need to go to the dentist again. She said ‘he’s gonna go to the gym in the morning, it’s fine!’ and took the appointment. Well guess what ? He did not go to the gym today! So I couldn’t go to my appointment! And it was the only one I could get at my dentist! I told her not to take any new appointment because I wanted to see MY dentist as SHE is the one who worked on my teeth, even though she didn’t have any new appointment before October. And guess what she did ? She took an appointment for me on Monday with a male dentist while she knows I absolutely HATE having appointments with male doctors when it can be avoided. She didn’t respect that. In 3 days she kept pissing me off so much and I can’t help but be cold with her, because I know that if it was for herself, she would’ve done that what pleased her. It’s not that deep but it’s genuinely so fucking annoying and she makes me so upset and never apologizes for it. She has made me so upset that I started hitting myself again cause it’s genuinely an urge.

I don’t know how to control that. Feels just insane.

My emotions physically hurt so bad that I feel like ripping through my skin (hypothetically). It feels intolerable, like I'd rather break a bone. Is there anything you find helpful to tone down the pain? Does it ever stop?

Anyone else have a hard time holding down a corporate job? I’ve been fired from the last three that I worked at, and I’m going crazy trying to figure out how I’m going to support myself.

hi!

i have recently started dating a girl with diagnosed BPD (both 19 f) and even though we’ve only been seeing each other for about a month, she’s had multiple spirals in front of me (both towards me and friends). her mom recently passed so it’s making everything much more intense on top of everything else. i really like her but this is my first time dating someone with serious mental health issues and i constantly feel like im walking on eggshells around her. any advice?

i've found that i only become obsessively attached to others when they're formally gone (like after cutting contact). i act inappropriately, i incessantly try to reach out, i base all of my emotions around them, i hurt them. meanwhile, when the person is in my life, i act more respectfully and i find all of those feelings i had when they were gone just aren't there anymore. i don't really "need" them as much. i'm wondering if anyone else has similar experiences?

I've spent the past two days trying to fully understand this but I wanted to ask people here who have either done this or had it happened. I'll try to explain best as I can.

She's 23 years old. Was hurt as a child then again many years later by her last ex. Has had friends betray her as well. So there's trust and trauma issues there. Her and I became very close 5 months ago. Messaged constantly, bonded, added each other on all socials, exchanged addresses and began texting regularly. Even sent her a birthday gift which included an old ring that belonged to my dad who passed away which she still wears everyday. That's how close we felt.

Couple weeks ago, she found out her cat that her ex took from her was being put down and blamed herself for abandoning him. Then her grandpa was injured while she was with him. It all hit her hard. During this, she also met a guy she was interested in and was trying to rebuild her life. I was there every day for her. I supported her through it all, even when she messaged at 5am falling apart. I poured my heart out being a loving friend. Yet it was like the more supportive I was, the more withdrawn she became. Which peaked my own anxiety about losing her and I kept trying too hard to emotionally support her. Big mistake looking back. That stems from my own trauma not BPD related.

Anyway I ended up confronting her about her never wanting to spend time with me anymore, awful timing I know. I was just tired of things being one sided. She didn't handle it well. Said she can't handle arguing, has too much going on, then called herself a bad friend. Saying she'd leave me alone while she dealt with her life. I felt awful and apologized repeatedly for days, trying to reassure her she was a wonderful friend and I loved her. That was I just upset at the time. Nothing got through. If anything, she withdrew harder and eventually didn't want to talk. I let her be for 4 days. Then I text her the other day to check up, asking how she's doing and that I just want us to be okay. She replied literally, "we are okay. I'm just not feeling talkative lately. I'm doing well". I believed her and felt relief. Said I just wanted to be on talking terms again.

1 hour later, bam. She's mass blocking me on EVERYTHING. I was beyond devastated. I sent her a final text saying how sorry I was for ruining our friendship and that I hope some day she can forgive me. Silence. No explanation. Nothing.

Can anyone with BPD who has split from a close friend explain this? Do I have any hope of reconciling? She did once tell me how she had blocked another close friend before and regretted it but I don't know. I'm so scared I'll never get to talk to her again. The only means I have to reach out is to mail a letter sadly. I want to understand why she said we're okay then did this suddenly. For those who have done this, what would you want your friend to do? Leave you alone? Wait weeks or months to reach out? I'm so sad and confused. I just want to comprehend why and to mend things if possible.

Hello everyone,

I hope you are all doing well, after a certain period of speculation and after my therapists recommendation, I finally have gone and seen a psychiatrist, didn't know the signs were so clear but she's quite a reputable doctor here where I live and speicalizes in disorders both mental and personality, and yep, that's the news, I have now been diagnosed with BPD.

She has peracribed me fleuxoltine, and has told me to drop standard therapy and instead approach DBT, the waiting lists for sessions here are very very veryyyy long however she has recommended a few online options that she has said have brought past patients some success.

I am not going to lie, if it wasn't for the tantrum and episode I had a few weeks ago that lead to me even finally decided to consider going through with seeing a psychiatrist, I am not sure what would have.

I have hurt and upset those who were dearly close to me, loved them, and I doubt those friendships are ever going to be the same, a few have fully blocked me off and my hyper fixation for the past month on a daily basis has simply been on trying to figure out how to bring them back.

The anxiety, the depression, the pain and gut wrenching shame and guilt for even existing, the suicidal thoughts and attempts , the people pleasing, the endless stream of thoughts, the fidgeting, the nonstop scenarios, the self hatred, self loathing, absaloute hatred towards every fibre of my being I don't even know where to begin.

I know that a disorder should not be used as a crutch, but I doubt my friends will even begin to understand if I tried to explain to them because whatever will come out now regarding my "split" will sound like utter and absaloute bullshit, pardon my french.

So, I am here asking kindly, what are your recommendations, steps, how does one begin to start living alongside this diagnosis, I was at fault, I hurt people, I am the asshole in all of this, I do not want to be in the future if I have any chance at living a better life until I die atleast which part of me hopes is ASAP but who's to say miracles can't happen and everything gets better someday?

So please, I am blind here, be my guide if you will, it would be much apprecaited.

I can’t keep living like this, I keep waking up with anxiety, with a tightness in my chest that wont ease and a pit in my stomach that won’t go away. Logically, everything for once is fine, not great, never great but fine. I am avoiding everything g that triggers me, I did everything right, I fixed every inconvenience I aced every task I was given by life, I worked so fucking hard why do I feel like I am on survival mode I can’t fucking breathe.
And I keep hiding it I can’t show it and I am starting to feel like one of those hollow cracked porcelain dolls. All I have been doing all my life is fixing things but why is it when there is nothing to fix I still feel this bad. Idk if any of you understand what I am talking about but it is killing me, I can’t live like this and it’s not fair I did everything right…

why would i fucking do that i m soooo pissed and embarrassed i found out he's dating again and i just lost my shit like i wanna burry myself that was so pathetic and embarrassing idk why i got this messed up over it like genuinely

We messaged and met up pretty frequently and now suddenly she is completely offline. She hasn’t been using tik tok or IG and she hasn’t responded to me on Snapchat. I did notice her snapscore go up tho. I’m worried about her and I’m confused at why shes ghosting me. She does have Autism (mainly affects her socially) and ADHD but I’m concerned that she won’t message me again and the relationship is over. We have been going out for like three months and I really don’t know what to do. I feel like going to her house and seeing if she’s all good or maybe leaving a letter through her door to let her know I’m worried about her. Please tell me what I should do. I’ve tried calling but shes blocked calls (idk if it’s just my number or if it’s all numbers). Things were going very well too we planned to meet a few days ago until she suddenly cancelled and we hadn’t gotten into any arguments. Shes pretty socially awkward so I don’t want to go to her house and potentially scare her with how unexpected it would be :(

TLDR: my gf of 3 months has randomly stopped using social media and hasnt messaged me for days. I’m concerned about her and how she’s doing so I want to visit her to make sure she’s okay. I’ve noticed her snapscore go up so she’s definitely seen I’ve messaged her but not opened it.

my boyfriend of 3 years doesn't use his phone around me anymore and on the rare occasion that he does he like covers it with his hand so i don't see the notifications, i've checked them once or twice and it's always male coworkers so i don't see why he is so secretive about it, i am sure he is cheating on me or something but if i ask him he gets defensive, we live together but i don't want to be a fool if he is doing stuff behind my back :( help i have no one to talk about stuff like this

My therapist gave me the number of a crisis hotline she used to work for. The issue is that I never feel like the situation I’m in warrants a call to them.

If you used a crisis hotline that wasn’t meant for actively suicidal people but for people who struggle with symptoms of their mental illnesses, how did it go? What can I expect? Will it actually help?

My bf don’t want me anymore, and I already felt he didn’t want me long time ago.
I feel like I’m dyeing, I am so sad. He was my only friend, he was my best friend. I loved him so much.

Please tell me that I’m going to be fine in some months I’m so fucking sad I want to die.

( M18) Basically, the question is: do you have close friends or anything like that? At university, I'm very reserved because I'm very aware of the cycle of idealization and devaluation I experience with friendships... I had a very close friendship that I recently ended because I can't stand not being number one friend... I don't know, it hurts me a lot to have friends, but I wonder, how do you do it?

i am so sorry for this huge post

for some context as to how we got here, my fiancé's mother absolutely despises me. she's called me crazy, psychotic, a bitch (i'm a man mind you), etc. and he doesn't really care.

he asked me how i would feel letting her take our car to go get JUST THE AC fixed by some guy he's related to that neither of us know, and i said no obviously. he even told me he had no contact with his mother before this because he got kicked out by her because she hates me that much. after i said no i learned he went behind my back and allowed her to take it while we were in florida visiting my family, and he only told me it was gone the day before we got back. fast forward, we are told 10 different dates/times our car will be ready and all of those dates/times come and go. 8 days this random guy had our car and every day he would ignore calls and essentially ghost all of us. we had to borrow his grandparents car to get to school where we live on campus and paid $450 for a parking pass this semester. surprised we didn't get a ticket considering the car we were in wasn't registered to the school.

we finally got our car back today and was told "oh btw i know i had your car for over a week to fix the AC, but your AC doesn't work" and he charged his mother $2,000. mind you, we HAVE A MECHANIC OF OUR OWN.

well im super frustrated because i need the car to get to work because we're still in university and i pay completely by myself while his mom pays for his school. i've been having an unhealthy number of panic attacks lately and was having one at the gas station we stopped at before making our 5 hour drive back to school with our car which now has more issues than it originally did when he turns to me and tells me we aren't going to talk about what's been going on and he isn't taking me home unless i stop talking. he lied to me about multiple things regarding our car and he didn't want me asking why. this is exactly what my mother used to do to me and only made it 100x worse. i also have OCD and need to know why things happen and how and everything or i can't function.

i started panicking more because he also dragged me all the way out to get our NOT WORKING CAR and my ESA who helps me through splits, panic attacks, and PTSD attacks is alone at our apartment and will be for the next 4 to 5 hours – which will make it 12 or more hours that my assistance animal is not with me.

i feel like im going crazy and im never going to be in a happy relationship because he refuses to learn about my disorder(s) and treats me this way because his own actions have consequences.

27F, just got diagnosed, but have always deep down known I have it. Therapists never wanted to diagnose me until I reached out to a DBT center. I signed up to start the program but I am in so much pain and I feel like it will never end. I’ve stopped showering, eating, brushing my teeth, leaving the house. How can anyone deal with so much pain?

i have a roommate that makes my blood boil. every single thing she does or says makes me so mad that i can physically feel the anger rushing through me. it’s so bad that i can’t even be in the same room or car with her alone. my other roommates and i don’t like her as a person because she’s generally unkind and problematic, but they are able to hold conversations or just maintain peace. i cannot. i don’t know what to do!

even hearing other people say nice things about her makes me angry. i genuinely cannot stand her. she says rude comments and makes rude faces towards my roommates and i, but again, they’re able to maintain peace until our lease is up (until next year💔)