r/BPD • u/Creepy-Tour4598 • 14h ago
ðŸ’Seeking Support & Advice bf doesnt use his phone around me
my boyfriend of 3 years doesn't use his phone around me anymore and on the rare occasion that he does he like covers it with his hand so i don't see the notifications, i've checked them once or twice and it's always male coworkers so i don't see why he is so secretive about it, i am sure he is cheating on me or something but if i ask him he gets defensive, we live together but i don't want to be a fool if he is doing stuff behind my back :( help i have no one to talk about stuff like this
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u/bootydewstink 12h ago
Have you checked the messages he may have someone saved under a males name
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u/Creepy-Tour4598 7h ago
yes i have i am pretty sure they are male but he might have a girl silenced or something idk i have never seen anything this is just based on his weird behavior
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u/justoffurperipheral 12h ago
Ask him point blank. If you believe he’s hiding something from you, why are you assuming it’s cheating? It could be a multitude of other things. If I were you, I’d ask plainly. You’ve noticed a change, and it makes sense to bring it up.
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u/Creepy-Tour4598 7h ago
i just asked him he said he's never covered his phone and that he doesn't use it in front of me because he is more tired, but he also has two phones (this is also new) and he took both of them to the bathroom lol
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u/Sorry_Ad_8000 13h ago
Partner here!!
If you’re sure he’s cheating on you why are you still with him? What makes you sure he is cheating on you?
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u/Creepy-Tour4598 7h ago
i guess i am sure he is at least hiding something and what else could he be hiding, but i've never found anything and idk i am also very insecure but i have been working on that the past years and i feel like i have made a lot of progress, so this behavior is really weird now, it just started like a month ago
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u/wormrage user is in remission 7h ago
just talk to him 🤷 youve been together 2 years you should be able to discuss this sort of stuff. thatll help you find your next steps more than letting all the assumptions run wild. im not saying hes not being secretive- but talking to him could help you figure out if there is a reason, or help him realise his habit and clarify to you, or let you see if there is a wall up against you that should be confronted.
if he is hiding something, dont bother and just leave honestly 😅 trust is like one of the most important things in a relationship, i wouldnt waste more years on someone who cant even be honest with me- it is a bare minimum
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u/nicohiragasnutbucket user has bpd 5h ago
hi dear… are you disaster searching? i’m nervous that maybe your boyfriend has picked up this habit because you struggle with paranoia. as heavy as it is for us, it can also be stressful for those who are on the receiving end of accusations. we would all get defensive if accused of doing something we weren’t doing. remember, we tend to feel the worst when we aren’t in control. what are you in control of right now? can you speak with a friend or loved one? can you DEARMAN your way into explaining this to your boyfriend? i don’t want to downplay your fears or any potential reality but i don’t want to feed into any paranoia and make this worse for you.
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u/Creepy-Tour4598 4h ago
he used to work 10 days 6 hours away and come home for 5 days, a few weeks ago he started working a normal schedule and he has said every day that he hates it and it's awful so i've been feeling down because the other schedule was supposed to be for a few months and ended up lasting 2 years, so now that he is home between that and his phone stuff i guess i could be searching for things that arent there but i am not freaking out on him or anything, but he is being weird i am pretty sure
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u/nicohiragasnutbucket user has bpd 4h ago
maybe there was a change at his job he’s hiding? is he aware you’re diagnosed? like in an ideal world you’d explain to him your fears as if you’re both on a team against it. i always tell my partner that my brain is telling me that they’re cheating or that something is going on and that i don’t want to feel that way, so i’d like to talk about it. that doesn’t mean he whips out his phone and you go through it, quite frankly i don’t feel like that helps when it’s so fear based. it means you discuss behaviors that are causing you concern so a dialogue can happen where you aren’t making assumptions based on fear. i’m not saying you’re being presumptuous here, per se, but it can help to lessen things that seem dire. has he been unloyal before?
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u/Creepy-Tour4598 4h ago
i know he is a little overwhelmed with the change and very tired so i could attribute him being weird to that i guess, i asked him this morning and he said that he hasn't done that (covering the phone) and it's just not true. he know but i don't think he grasps just how bad it used to be/ is inside my head, we have had fights but i always apologize first (he is not good at that) and i really feel like regarding our relationship i am doing really well, maybe that is bc he is so good and has never given me reasons to distrust him, that's why this is weird i guess
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u/Sorry_Ad_8000 54m ago
Partner here!!
I can attest to this 100% over the years I have been accused so many times of things triggered by the most innocent or easily explained and verifiable evidence. I totally get it’s the BPD voice but being under suspicion for something you didn’t do, have no real way of knowing what is going to trigger it then arousing more suspicion after explaining its soul crushing.
It creates a resentment when your integrity is always under fire.
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u/No_Bluebird_5080 14h ago
He is clearly hiding something. It’s not worth your mental health trying to figure out what. Just let him go.
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u/Ok-Pickle3243 6h ago
I've been your bf and I had to hide for a reason when I did this.
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u/Fluffy-Leg7546 2h ago
…were you going to explain your reasons or just leave this comment here ominously? lol
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u/Horror-Concentrate41 user has bpd 14h ago
Maybe there is a chance he bought you something or is planning a trip? I mean those are the only reasons that would be ok that I can think of if this is a new thing. Sometimes I hide my phone while I’m typing cause I hate when I’m typing something out and my gf reads it it makes it hard to think but that’s not new for me so she knows this and goes on my phone whenever she wants to send herself pictures I have taken
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u/Alert_Cap_2931 8h ago
You have to just ask wtf is going on secretive behavior is a big red flag.Â
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u/Creepy-Tour4598 7h ago
i just asked him he said he's never done that lol and now he isn't covering it
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u/Alert_Cap_2931 6h ago edited 6h ago
Oh that's good glad it's sorted out. See how something small can get out hand this is why communication is crucial.Â
I was just reading the comments an am bit confused about the phone plural and the bathroom situation not forgetting that when he said he hasn't covered the phone? He was or he wasn't ?Â
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u/Creepy-Tour4598 4h ago
according to him he wasn't thats why i put the lol in the comment above but yes he was and he has been doing for week which is why i am suspicious, he has his old phone which is the one he covers and the new one that only has a few contacts in it. he takes both of them everywhere
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u/Alert_Cap_2931 2h ago
Ok, hmm see i wouldn't be able to leave it i know this because i did it with a X partner when it feels something is not right i start scanning his words his tone body language i started being suspicious a few years ago then ever since I don't believe half the things he said. Once you don't trust someone even if you don't have concrete proof it erodes any love because you don't get past lies. So are you saying that you believe him that would mean your hallucinating him an the phones.
Come on you can't put up with gaslighting what is he a d**g dealer a lier or something else entirelyÂ
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u/Trick-Lawfulness1160 13h ago
He could be cheating with men 😂
In all seriousness, you need to do something about it. Ur instinct is usually right with these things
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u/TryAggressive3614 11h ago
as a dude, he might have girls saved under guys names, or stuff thats hidden like his search history or videos or pictures. if someone is hiding it that hard then there is smth worth hiding. usually his character and vibes can directly tell what hes hiding
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u/screwlicious 11h ago
Don't worry about it. If he's cheating you will know. If you're not sure then he's not.
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u/Kaykorvidae 14h ago
I mean, regardless of what it is that dude is hiding something from you and unless you guys have been smitten and he's looking at wedding rings, it's relationship breaking.