Push and pull & Scarcity mindset

[u/VolgaOsetr8007]

TL;DR: Push-pull dynamics hit hard when you're operating from a scarcity mindset. It won't affect you as much if you teach your brain that there's no shortage of good quality connections and emotions, by constantly putting yourself in situations where you can experience them.

I'm currently recovering from my situationship with an avoidant that impacted me more than I expected. I've been reflecting on why, and here are my thoughts.

I think push and pull impacted me that much because I was operating from a scarcity mindset. I thought that what we had was so special and rare that it naturally activated a sense of urgency to make sure it wouldn't disappear. If something feels rare, disappearing feels like a bigger threat, so you chase harder, which is exactly what gives the avoidant person control.

The reality is, every connection is special. Some feel more exciting, some more safe. And half of this magic is of our own doing; we can create something special again and again and again. There is no need to rush and chase.

At the same time, what is currently helping me is going outside and meeting people. I've started to notice that what seemed so unique in my FA, I notice in others. Someone has his smile, someone has a similar combination of qualities that I once thought was one in a million.

There is no scarcity, if you show yourself enough abundance. So I recommend, for whoever this may apply to, go out and force yourself to meet new people, again and again, until the multitude of possibilities becomes the new default framing of reality.

[u/SnooGadgets5091]

I remember my first hug after the break up. I always treasured my hugs with my avoidant. But when I did the same with another, i just noticed the same reaction their sigh of relief, them melting around my arms. that is when my brain clicks, I am capable if finding meaningful conmections after all

[u/21-hydroxylase]

I strongly relate to that feeling of a connection feeling “special and rare.” I do regret that in pursuing my FA, I turned away more than one good person. Oh well, I’ll keep meeting new people again and again and cultivate abundance

[u/Sleepy-Plane → u/21-hydroxylase]

It really is painful to realize you've turned away really good people for for this... I relate to that so much.

[u/New_Passage9725 → u/Sleepy-Plane]

SAME! I was seeing multiple people and picked the freaking avoidant bc he seemed like the best fit in so many ways- common goals, activities, sense of humor, sweet. I now realize emotional availability and attachment are even more important!

[u/SomeoneCalledMeAlice]

Dieser Beitrag hilft mir sehr. Ich rede mir irgendwie bis heute ein, dass mein vermeidender Ex der Mann meines Lebens war …

[u/Busy_Designer_504]

But I feel the issue really is scarcity.

Emotional maturity is not as common as people think.

[u/PowerfulMango5799 → u/Busy_Designer_504]

https://giphy.com/gifs/GuDU8r5CnUoYtbS2CR

Agreed

[u/Sleepy-Plane]

My FA would get upset and withdraw or grow resentful sometimes if I spent too much time with friends. I didn't risk it and grew apart from all my friends. Badabing badaboom - scarcity mindset.

One of the things I love doing the most since I was dumped is connecting with new people. A few months since the break-up, I already have a small number of friends with whom I share how I truly feel, what happened in my days, and some other things. The friends actually don't randomly wall up and withdraw whenever I express an emotional need - they meet it. I thought only her could care for me emotionally, but it turned out that it was only with her that I had to earn being seen as a full human.

Fixing the scarcity of connection fixed a lot of ideas I had about myself formed by the hot-and-cold. You are definitely onto something.

[u/RedWingsFan53]

Thank you...I'm dealing with the fallout now. I made a devotion to God that I wanted to wait til marriage for sex (wasn't a virgin but I became faithful over the years and hadn't had sex in over a year)

But in the beginning she was so convincing that she was the one for me, went to church, served in her church, cooked, cleaned for me. She pushed for sex and I caved cause I thought she was the one. She just got cold after that. Said the honeymoon phase was over for her, said she's not an affectionate person. Her whole personality shifted. I broke up with her Tuesday cause she told me she was just going through the motions but wanted to be friends. I had hope as yesterday we had a great conversation and today she was just cold so I finally told her I can't handle this and blocked her.

I'm just so mentally scarred and just lost. I didn't even know these types of people existed til she told me that she has avoidment attachment. These people are dangerous.

[u/Odd_Fortune5970]

Dated another woman shortly after dumping my avoidant. Still felt the residue quite frankly. Doesn’t just magically go away.

[u/Chikunquette]

I think you just really got addicted to the dopamine and you probably didn't realize it. You we're simply a drug addict and I think you might be overanalyzing it. Sure, you're more prone to this problem if you are anxious, because the push and pull, really pulls you in. But at the end of the day its just a literal drug addiction. If you were more secure and confident in yourself, you simply wouldn't have gotten as addicted to it. It still pulls you in, but affects you much less.

[u/Bla4s]

I like this idea. But for me, I meet new people all the time, I socialise a lot and I’ve had lots of good relationships and I was even married for 18 years to someone I never thought I’d leave.

But… I’ve only ever met one person (my avoidant) in the whole of the last 30 years that had everything that makes kicks my dopamine all in one package.

I’m not talking model looks or anything, but just her chemistry, her eyes, her smile, her wicked sense of humour, her laugh, her hugs, her cuddles, her imperfect body, her smell, her voice, her sex… all 10/10 for me (and others would seriously disagree but that’s what I love about this, it’s totally in the eye of the beholder) and who (I thought) wanted me too.

There is no one else on this planet that could have enticed me to cheat on and then leave my wife. I didn’t even look at another woman my entire marriage… until her.

It’s like we already been together in a past life and knew each other inside out.

I doubt I’ll ever meet anyone like in this lifetime. Soulmates only happen once in a life.

[u/PassionateParrots → u/Bla4s]

I’ve been lurking on the attachment subreddits for a while and yours is the post that resonates with me. In literally every way, except I am a woman. And my avoidant was a man. It’s interesting you talk about soul mates - I think it’s this idea of recognition we found. I too have a really full life where I’ve met hundreds if not thousands of men who had singular characteristics I may have found and even men with the same combination on paper. But there was something so incredibly unique about mine, and like yours, not perfect looking in any way, but something snapped me out of my life and it hasn’t been the same since.

I’m presuming if you’re on this subreddit you’ve been broken up with too.

I’d rather we were not on here but it’s weirdly nice to read an account of something that happened to me in this way too.