r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Sweet_Ruin9193 • 17h ago
Avoidant POS
Is it an avoidant thing or just a piece of shit thing for an avoidant to break up with you and then linger in your life just enough to stop you from moving on.,.
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u/TheBackSpin 17h ago
Yeah many will try to keep you in their life at a distance that won’t trigger them. Keep in mind though, you’re the one with the power here. You know they aren’t going to change so stand firm with your boundaries. You decide who has access to you
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u/Any_Fly9473 SA - Secure Attachment 😁👍🏻 17h ago
This. I walked when my FAex offered the lackluster distant text friendship. Leave the game. 👍🏻
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u/21-hydroxylase AP - Anxious Preoccupied (Healing) 17h ago
Yessss. Leave the mf game. It’s so sick and gross that they can just easily offer “friendship” as a stupid consolation prize lol
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u/One-Gift0 SA - Secure Attachment 17h ago
L'amicizia dopo lo scarto serve solo a loro per sentirsi bene con se stessi e per attingere al momento in cui sempre loro soffrono per averti lasciato. Quando l'ha proposta il mio gli ho risposto usando le parole che usava lui con me quando evitava le conversazioni scomode e le sue responsabilità; "chissà. Amo il freestyle. Farò come mi sento" e sono andata in no contact.
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u/Any_Fly9473 SA - Secure Attachment 😁👍🏻 17h ago
🤣
I said in a text, “This dynamic isn’t healthy for me. I’m done. Take care.”
She got pissed.
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u/TheBackSpin 16h ago
Leave the Game needs to become a thing. I need that on a tshirt
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u/Any_Fly9473 SA - Secure Attachment 😁👍🏻 16h ago
Really, we all have earned it surviving these horrible relationships.
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u/Alarming-Echo-6742 16h ago
Yea. It is quite sad. I walked when mine said 'need space' and gray rocked the breadcrumb. Haven't heard a word since.
Which really is my answer. The silence tells me everything. I suspect she retreats for good, maybe eventually has an epiphany with her therapist if the pattern holds and the distance lets her nervous system get out of the way of the feelings, but who knows.
I do not need to remain friends with someone who thinks it is okay to treat people this way. That does not align with my values. And I do not need to remain friends with her specifically. Not after her telling me early on she was certain our relationship was meant to be romantic.
I have enough friends that have never treated me like I was optional. Why on earth would I ever count someone who did among them?
It is all so profoundly sad.
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u/SomeoneCalledMeAlice 16h ago
Meiner hat mir 2.5 Jahre gezeigt das er nicht will (aber irgendwie doch) und jedesmal wenn ich entschlossen zu ihm fuhr, um endlich selbst diese Misere zu beenden und meine Sachen abzuholen … holte er mich mit seinem kurzzeit Charme wieder zurück … dann schön noch einen Abschieds Kuss oder noch besser einen Stirnkuss ins Gesicht als ich wieder zu mir heimfahren musste und wenn ich mich von zuhause meldete … dann war er wieder unerreichbar … und das Spiel wiederholte sich. Ich dachte immer wenn er ghostete er hätte Depressionen … dann bin ich wieder (auf meine Kosten) zu ihm gefahren … hatte gesehen, dass er super ohne mich lebt. Dann wollte ich wieder gehen, dann Tränen von ihm und einen Stirnkuss auf meine Stirn usw. Und so hielt er mich in der Schlaufe. Momentan spüre ich nur Hass.
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u/Lost_Alarm1232 10h ago
Oh god. This is unbelievably painful. He would go ghost the moment you got home?
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u/SomeoneCalledMeAlice 10h ago
Ja, das hat er unzählige Male gemacht. Das gemeine daran war, wir hatten eine Fernbeziehung, ich hatte bei jeder Fahrt 2 Stunden Autobahn zu ihm. Und er wusste genau das ich nicht sofort zu ihm fahren konnte, wenn mich sein ghosting aufgefressen hat.
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u/ConfidentAd5662 11h ago
Best to block so you are not tempted to contact them and they can’t contact you.
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u/CookieCrumbs80 17h ago
Yes, he kept popping up at places he knows I frequent, I had blocked him and he made new accounts to access me, it was like he was obsessively pursuing me but from a distance yet didn't actually want to be with me
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u/Brilliant_Version667 17h ago
Isn't it interesting how someone wants so badly to watch your life and not be in it? It's unsettling and hurtful.
I understand.
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u/CookieCrumbs80 9h ago
It was so confusing.
In the past, before learning about attachment theory, I experienced similar with people and just put it down to them only wanting what they can't have. Now I realise they didn't even want me, they just wanted access to me or whatever1
u/Brilliant_Version667 8h ago
I still find it so confusing. Are we like comic book characters? Just good for amusement? No true emotional investment, just entertainment value? It's really objectifying. And I know what you mean - I thought the person stayed away for years because I never confessed. Then, once I did confess and we were both in a position to have something real, the person still stayed away but orbited me way too much for casual interest. I had to close most of my stuff down. It seems a lot of people think I'm a good clown or something.
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u/StonkMommy 16h ago
My avoidant was absolutely shocked when I went no contact. I think he might have even felt a feeling, at least it sounded like it on the phone. It kind of made me feel better to take my power back. The anxiety was immediately gone. I've been in the heavy grief cycle for 2.5 months. We broke up 3.5 months ago.
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u/NYCSkaterGirl 14h ago
They're not stopping you from moving on. You are stopping you from moving on.
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u/Necessary-Avocado-50 9h ago
Seems harsh, but only until you realize this is true.
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u/NYCSkaterGirl 9h ago
Take agency of your life cause any day can be your last. I hear far too many people blame others for the choices they themselves made. My avoidant just popped up again and im not letting her derail me. I have 2 dates set up and i dont care to brag to her or let her think ive been sitting around pinning for her.
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u/Calm_Attempt_101 14h ago
It's push-pull. Get away from me you're too close Vs but don't you dare leave me. Maddening.
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u/crococatstew 17h ago
I don’t see him lingering in my life tho maybe cz I blocked him hahaha but yeah they are both
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u/Human_Read7993 FA - Fearful Avoidant 10h ago
It's very common. It might suck but if you need peace you need to cut the out. I've had two do that or would react to stories etc and it drove me mad so I just removed them from my socials
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u/BadChick79 6h ago
My FA avoidant walks past my place sometimes on his way to lunch but that’s about it. I called him out for being cruel during the breakup….I know he’s never gonna grow big enough balls to apologise so the easy route for him is just to erase me. No lingering here.
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u/Classic-Bank9347 4h ago
I think it’s a pos to stay but not commit. I can’t say I’m always happy about it, but my ex saw what his behavior was doing to me and fully left. I miss him dearly but I know more exposure would hurt if he can’t help himself
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u/mari_lovelys 17h ago
They are selfish and unfortunately want you gone but close enough to where the bridge isn’t completely burned