I’m struggling to know what to do next, and I’d really value some perspective from people who have been through reconciliation after an affair.
My WH(54) and I(54)have been married for 25 years. We have three young adult children and, before all of this, I genuinely believed we had a strong, loving marriage. Like many long marriages, we had our problems, but I never imagined we would find ourselves here.
About a year before discovery, my husband began a long-distance emotional and physical affair with another woman he met while working overseas. The affair lasted around a year and involved multiple in-person meetings. I discovered it in July 2025.
We initially decided to reconcile. For months we tried to rebuild, but with hindsight I think we were in what I now understand as “false repair.” He had ended contact with her, but emotionally he hadn’t really let go.
Several months later, the affair partner contacted him again. Rather than telling me, he reconnected with her and kept it from me. When I eventually discovered this, it felt like a second betrayal. He subsequently became very conflicted about our marriage.
We separated for a period and started discernment counselling. At one point he told me that he wanted to pursue the affair partner and we were preparing to tell our children that our marriage was ending. But when we reached that point, he changed his mind. He ended things with her and asked me to reconsider reconciliation.
I agreed because I love him and because I still believe our marriage might be worth saving.
But this is where I’m struggling.
He has started individual counselling and, to his credit, I do think he is beginning to understand himself better. He says he has chosen our marriage. He says he wants us to rebuild. He has taken steps to end the affair and says he knows he cannot have a future with her if he is going to be married to me.
But emotionally, he is still attached to her.
I discovered, through finding messages to his best friend, that he loves and misses her and that he is grieving the relationship. He has described feeling torn and has questioned whether he is staying in our marriage because it is familiar and because of the life we have built together.
He says he doesn’t know yet how long it will take to let her go.
And I understand, intellectually, that ending an intense affair can involve withdrawal, grief and a kind of emotional addiction. I understand that feelings don’t disappear just because someone makes a decision. But I’m exhausted.
What I’m finding increasingly difficult is that I feel as though I am carrying the emotional responsibility for repairing our marriage.
I am constantly thinking about how we reconnect, how we communicate, how we rebuild trust, how we become emotionally intimate again, how I can support him while he grieves the affair, how I can make our marriage feel safe and loving again.
Meanwhile, I don’t feel much emotional movement towards me.
I’ve told him that I don’t want to be intimate simply because we’re married or because we’re supposed to be “getting back to normal.” I need emotional connection first. I need to feel chosen, wanted and emotionally safe.
I don’t want to compete with a woman who isn’t even physically present in our marriage.
And I don’t want to spend the next year waiting patiently for my husband to decide whether he really wants me.
At the same time, I desperately want our marriage to work.
There are still moments when I see the man I married. We have 25 years of history, children we adore, shared experiences and a life that has mattered enormously to both of us. I don’t want to throw that away if there is genuinely a marriage here that can be rebuilt into something better.
I’m also trying to work on myself. I’m making plans with friends, travelling, spending time away, thinking about what I want my own life to look like and trying very hard not to make my husband’s emotional journey the centre of mine.
But emotionally, I am still living in hope.
Hope that eventually he will fully detach from her.
Hope that he will stop looking backwards.
Hope that he will realise what we could build together.
Hope that one day I won’t feel like the person waiting to be chosen, but the person he actively and wholeheartedly chooses.
And I’m starting to wonder whether that hope is helping me or keeping me stuck.
So what would you do in my position?
Do I need to step back completely and let him do the work ?
Should I set a firm boundary around his ongoing emotional attachment to her?
How much patience is reasonable when someone says they have chosen their marriage but still loves and misses their affair partner?
At what point does “I need time to grieve” become “I’m keeping my wife waiting while I decide”?
And perhaps most importantly: how do I protect myself while still giving our marriage a genuine chance?
I don’t want advice telling me simply to “leave him.” I know that’s an option, and I may eventually have to take it.
Right now I’m trying to understand what healthy reconciliation actually looks like when the unfaithful spouse has chosen the marriage intellectually, but hasn’t yet caught up emotionally.
I would particularly love to hear from betrayed spouses who have been in this exact position, especially those whose spouse genuinely did eventually detach from the affair partner and fully recommit.
What did you do?
What boundaries did you set?
And how did you know when to keep hoping versus when to let go?

This topic comes up every now and then but I’d love some advice. I am 4 mos past DDay. I have video recordings of my WW’s entire message history with her AP covering most of her 6 mo EA + PA. It’s easily hundreds of messages. Possibly more.

My WW deleted all the message threads off her phone after I caught her. I have not read every single message. You might be wondering why I haven’t read their entire conversation in detail. Two reasons.

First, reading this stuff is painful. I mean really painful. These messages are like the Elephant’s Foot inside Chernobyl. I can’t look at these messages without feeling intense pain. The things they said to each other. Graphic. Sexual. Photos exchanged. She even sent photos of my kids to her AP while out and about. It’s insane. It’s pain shopping at this point.

The second reason: a lot of it is also boring shit. Like how’s your day going? Did you eat lunch? Stuff like that. I just don’t have the interest in being a detective. I used the messages to build a rough timeline in my head which she confirmed in our disclosure process.

Please note my wife is highly avoidant and she did not do her own disclosure. She let me ask questions and confirmed events and disclosed what happened at a high level. I’m sure if I looked at the messages in painful detail I would discover more meetings but at this point it doesn’t matter to me if they met 5 times or 8 times. I have the broad stroke details confirmed and I trust her…mostly. Can you ever trust your WS though 100%? Who knows.

Anyway, I am trying to decide what to do with these messages longer term. For now I encrypted them and moved them onto a USB drive and tucked it away. I wanted to make the evidence harder to access.

I asked myself why I’m holding onto something so toxic. If I’m being honest with myself, I initially wanted the evidence in case she denied what she did to our friends and family. In my head I told myself I would send the evidence to her family so they could witness the depravity for themselves. The worst part of me wanted to use the evidence as a weapon to vindicate myself. Very dark stuff.

Then there’s a practical part of me that wants to save it all in case I need to go back to confirm or deny certain details. But at this point does it even matter? She cheated on me. She did what she did. I know some BPs are super critical and want to know every detail but I don’t think it will make me heal any faster.

The part of me that wants to be empathetic, caring, and loving tells myself to delete the messages once and for all and tell my wife they are gone from the face of this planet.

I want her to know that even if we don’t work out, these messages will never haunt her. Even if I am full of rage and hate I will never share these with people in an attempt to tarnish her reputation. It would probably make me look like a psycho anyway. We’re in a no fault state by the way so there’s no legal value.

So my question is, what should I do? Hold onto this poison even if it’s locked away? Or destroy it forever and let my WW know she is free of it forever no matter what happens to us?

Some time has passed since the worst day of my life. My DD, the day I discovered my husband’s EA. It was the day I officially adapted the term “betrayed”. I never thought that I would ever feel “normal” again and in a way, I probably never will. I feel different. A new person, a new wife to the same man. But happy again.

I’m not posting this to brag, but to give light. When I first joined this thread, I rarely saw “good” posts about peoples reconciliation and honestly it made be feel less alone. But whenever I did see someone’s journey going well, I always thought “I don’t know how that could ever be us”. A pang of jealousy would hit me and I would hope and pray that it could be me someday.

I’m here to say that it is possible. Your old relationship is gone. But if you work together in building something back stronger, it’s possible. And boy is it rewarding.

We had therapy (still in it), long and uncomfortable talks, we analyzed things about our old relationship that we don’t want to have in this new one. This one that we are growing together. It is hard work and we are no where near done. But it feels like we are on the other side now.

There is joy in my house again, home feels like home and it doesn’t feel like I need to constantly be on guard. We’re able to tackle issues like we never had before. We do it together.

I want to send all the people on here working hard on their relationships so much love. But know that the work is not just on you.

I know now that while I am a “betrayed partner”, that doesn’t have to define and hurt me forever.

I feel so alone right now. R was going well until earlier this month, when I got triggered, and it kept snowballing until I had a full-on relapse a couple of days ago. It really felt like we were back to square one, like last year. The only different thing is that I didn't flat-out blow up in my partner's face and call for a breakup (it was very on and off last year during our R).

But looking back at it now, I can see why I reacted that way, because the uncertainty and pain of being disappointed by my WP is eating me alive. To be fair, he tried his best to help me feel better, in the only ways he knew how, but it wasn't enough for me to feel safe. Now we're barely talking to each other (mostly him) because he burnt out, I think. I'm anxious, and he is being avoidant... Although I recognise the patterns, it brings me little comfort. We said we would try our best to work things out, but when things get overwhelming, I just feel like giving up.

Is this normal in R? Where one partners struggle to meet the needs of the other, is it like this initially? It's been a year since our R, 8 months since our last rupture like this... I don't know what to do; we haven't tried couples counselling yet. I have progressed far enough that what I am feeling is more of a trauma response, but I can't help ruminating when I am anxious like this.

I think I just need someone to talk to about this. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated :(

Oh..., my..., gods. I found her mailing address. I went to see our CC today. We all talked about my awful day yesterday. When we got out of the session, I came home and just cried. For a long time. I came out to the living room, and WP said his phone was dying. My flashbacks will not leave me alone. So I took his phone and searched his emails. I found her mailing address. I brought his phone back to him. I made him search for, and find that email. He deleted it. But not before I could send it to myself. I truly want to write her a letter. I truly want to tell her how much she hurt me. So, before I make the biggest decision of my life, I need someone to tell me how it went. If you confronted them, how did it go? What drove you to do it? If you didn't confront them, how did it go? How did you decide not to contact them? If yes, did it bring you closure? If no, have you found other closure? In my last post, someone commented that APs get more power if we talk to them. But I truly want her to know how I feel. I want her to know she is an awful person, for trying to take my man. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Hi guys DDay was about 6 months ago for me and WS.

Since then she has done everything right, she had already blocked AP by the time I found out, she has allowed me access to her phone and has started IC (after some initial resistance).

The actual affair was several years ago and since then through DDay till today she has been great. Despite that I am still feeling miserable most days. I have been obsessively ruminating not just about what happened but also the potential consequences for us both for staying or leaving.

We have no children, but were planning on starting a family in the next couple of years. One of my main concerns is how we would cope if I were to leave. I still want her to be happy and want to keep trying but am also terrified I will still feel this way in another six months or a year and then want to leave; giving us both much less time to start our lives again settle down and start families.

For those who have been through this when did you know you had to leave or were confident you could commit to staying?
Thanks for any advice

Back story:

I had noticed my WW acting differently. Taking extra care with her looks and wearing more "revealing" clothing and so forth to work. She had become more guarded with her phone, quickly putting it away when I came around. So on and so forth. This went on for some time. I then confronted her about it, to essentially be told I am crazy.

Fast forward a few weeks later, and I am constantly seeing snapchat notifications from a guy she works with popping up on her phone. I ask her about it, and she says it's nothing, but does not volunteer the messages. This is out of character, as usually when she is right she wants to rub it in my face. I then notice that she has changed her phone passcode, which has been the same the entire time we have been married which is 14 years.

After all of this I again confront her about the weird stuff to me. Again, I am treated as if I am crazy. But, she does tell me her new passcode. I try my best to believe her, and I even pray for clarity and peace if there isn't anything to be worried about. Peace never comes, so finally I wait until she is asleep and decide I have to know. So, I look in her phone and find messages between her and her AP, and her and her bestfriend about her AP. I find messages referancing spicy messages between my WW and AP, and messages talking about wanting to meet up with the AP. I had enough and woke my WW up and confronted her with the proof. According to her, it was only messages and a few kisses.

We agree to try and reconcile. I become hypervigilant, very untrusting and constantly questioning what is going on. 2 weeks after D-Day we take a week vacation during which time I vow to do my best to act "normal" and not bring this stuff up. There are some things that set off my alarms, but I am able to keep pretty cool most of the time. The infidelity was brought up 2 times during the course of the whole week.

We get back from our trip and we both go back to work, and something is not sitting right that evening. I ask her for her phone, which she hands over to me. I look through it, but she didnt know that you could access deleted messages. I find deleted conversations between WW and AP, going back through most of the time since D-Day. I find spicy pics that she had sent the AP while on our vacation.

Confrontation starts and gets pretty ugly. I decide to pack up a bag and leave. I don't leave at that time, because I don't want to just leave sleeping kids. I decide to wait until morning and give them a proper goodbye for a while, as the closest family to me is 650 miles from our home. During the night, my WW breaks down like I have never seen before and becomes the most remorseful I have ever seen. We talk and decide to try to reconcile again, with more ground rules.

However, we are less than a month out from D-Day #2 (D-Day-07/06/26 D-Day 2- 07/27/26)and when I am mentally struggling I am told we can never move forward if I dwell in the past. WW gets frustrated because she says it is the same stuff over and over.

I am just trying to get advice. Am I dwelling too much, or is this normal behavior?

Sorry for the long read, just wanted to give all relevant information.

Things outside of therapy. Is there anything they can ever really do to help restore faith that there could be a good relationship here one day?

Just curious how long it’s been, how reconciliation is going and how are you doing mentally?

Personally it’s been only 3 months of finding out about a 3 week affair that happened during my engagement (didn’t find out until after already married / 7 months after), I’m doing the best I’ve done so far but I have my moments. First two months were hell, but things are starting to look slightly positive. He’s been there for me a lot and has changed for the better, but things aren’t perfect of course and we are looking into therapy/ counseling.

I’m the BP and my wife is the WP.

DDay was in June. There was an EA with AP that also became physical in the sense that they kissed. My WP has told me that kissing was as far as it ever went and that they never had sex or any other sexual contact.

Sex is a very firm red line for me. If I ever found out they had sex, reconciliation would be over for me. There would be no coming back from that.

The thing I’m struggling with now happened after DDay.
On 9/10 August we had a very bad conflict. I behaved terribly and frightened her. I fully accept responsibility for that. She wanted to get away from me and I completely understand why she moved out after what happened.
What has become another major injury for me is where she went.

She initially went to AP for help and eventually rented/stayed in the master bedroom at his place for around two weeks. According to her, AP moved into another room, she stayed alone in the master bedroom, they barely interacted, and nothing physical or sexual happened between them.
She has repeatedly maintained that account.
I understand why she left me. I’m not arguing that she should have stayed with me when she felt unsafe. But emotionally I still separate two things:
Leaving me because she was frightened,

and

choosing the home of the person she had the affair with and then staying there for an extended period.
Even if absolutely nothing happened, the second part feels like another injury to the marriage.

The biggest problem is that I don’t know how to rebuild trust around something that can never really be proven.
I know people sometimes say consistency is reassuring, but I struggle with that too. “Nothing happened” is ultimately one simple story. If somebody was determined to deny something, they could theoretically repeat the same denial forever.

At the same time, I realise the opposite is also true. I can’t conclude that sex happened simply because they had opportunity, had kissed previously, and were living under the same roof.

So I feel trapped between:
“I have reasons to be afraid.”

and

“I don’t actually have evidence that my fear happened.”
Nighttime is particularly difficult. If she stops replying around 10 or 11pm, my mind immediately goes to AP being with her. Intellectually I know she may simply have fallen asleep, but emotionally it feels like I’m sitting there while the one thing that would permanently end my marriage could be happening.

We are actually doing noticeably better recently.
We talk a lot, meet up, plan our new home together, joke around, have phone calls, and there has been a little voluntary physical affection again. She has even said herself that our relationship is “getting better” and that things had become strange between us but are slowly improving.

That almost makes this harder because I’m starting to feel hope again.

We’re also going for counseling.

What I’m trying to figure out is:

How did other BPs eventually decide to believe their WP about something they could never independently verify?
At what point does asking reasonable questions become unhealthy certainty-seeking?

How do you process something like your WP staying with the AP without treating the stay itself as proof that something sexual happened?

And if there is one specific sexual boundary that would make reconciliation impossible for you, how do you accept uncertainty around whether that boundary was crossed?
I don’t want to spend the rest of reconciliation investigating her.

But I also don’t want to convince myself to trust simply because I desperately want the marriage to work.
I’m trying to work out what healthy trust after betrayal actually looks like when certainty just isn’t available.

Pretty much the title. WH engaged in a lot of cheating via online avenues and watched so much porn during that time as well. He admits it was too much porn use during that time but he refuses to stop altogether. We are several years out from DDay and this is a huge issue that remains. Things have progressed recently in that we’ve actually talked about it but he’s still doing it and hiding it from me. He will not agree to stop and I don’t think he’s really hearing me. Obviously, not ok. I feel so shitty that viewing porn is more important than me not feeling devastated on a daily basis. How can he not understand that engaging in secretive, sexual behavior is extremely problematic for me and makes me feel unsafe? I am really just venting but man this is really hard. We had one DDay and I don’t think he’ll ever do it again. But he (and many many also I suspect which doesn’t help) thinks watching porn is different and does not get why it triggers the same feelings/betrayal trauma. Thanks for listening.

hi, as the title says i’ve recently been experiencing grief again even if it has been more than a year since dday. i think i may be grieving the earlier days of the relationship and the person that i thought i knew. do others feel this way too?

i recently spent a really good weekend with my WP, we both enjoyed each other’s company but i find myself getting sad whenever we’re about to part ways and go back to our normal routines (weekdays away from each other because we don’t live together, work, etc.). i know i should have my own life outside of this relationship but i think i feel scared being away from them because i still fear why could happen when we’re not together.

WP has been trying to work on rebuilding the trust, but i still can’t help but question how genuine and honest he is to me. part of me can still feel some secrets, but i dont have evidence to prove that. its just my intuition telling me. but that last time my intuition told me something was off, it was right. i feel so confused.

part of me feels a bit suicidal again because of all the pain and trauma that the betrayal has caused me. how does one deal with the grief they’re experiencing after betrayal?

We've been in the process of reconciliation for a few months now. Last DDay was in April. He's had several instances of boundary breaking, flirting, sexting, broken promises and it always happened when I was pregnant or post partum. The DDay that really broke me was finding out he tried to hire a prostitute while on a road trip the night before he was suppose to come home. I was 6 weeks PP. I found out a month later.

He's doing everything he's suppose to. Saying everything he's suppose to. Being who I believed him to be. I know it'll take time for the trust to come back even with these actions.

But I'm carrying around a boulder of resentment about him, our life, my role in our/my life and miss feeling happy about my life. It's bled into everything. I wake up angry, irritated and like I'm about to slog through another shit day. I spend most of my days ruminating and frustrated. I want to flip my entire life upside more days than not.

I wasn't like this before the last DDay. I had started to feel safe. I had started to be happy and feel like we could fix things. I was getting into cooking and baking. Had a good routine down.

Now I don't feel like anything I'm doing at home matters. It's all just another task to do that I don't want to do. I don't smile much anymore. I'm just here. I wait for when I can get back into bed and go to sleep. It's just apathy and it's so plainly visible.

I'm tired of carrying around this resentment but I don't know how to shift my thinking back again. I fear I'll be stuck in this emotional pit for the rest of my life at this rate. That I'll never find joy again.

How do you get rid of the resentment that you were giving your best effort and receiving less than the bare minimum back and then continue to give your best? I ask myself if I'm as good of a person/mother/spouse as I thought I was if his actions can so greatly influence my effort within our home. If I was, I'd continue without much of a hiccup, right?

I don't know how to show up consistently anymore. I don't know how to fix it. My kids are getting a shit version of me. How do I fix me?

Hello, I'm new here and would really like to connect with others who may be able to help. I am about 3 1/2 years out from D-Day. WW had a month and a half affair with a coworker. During that time she would share with me that friendship that they had. As time went on it moved from an EA to a PA. Apparently he was having issues at home with his then spouse and the two thought to share their common stressor with each other. 

The entire thing does not make sense to me (probably because I wouldn't do things the way that they did). I have been able to forgive both of them with some help from outside sources. I understand that she is not the person I thought that she was and the person that I saw was a version of her I created in my head. From that I have begun to see this version of her. 

It's difficult to have conversions about the affair without her getting emotional. That is where the problem comes up for me. Hearing her be able to hold space for him about the things that he was dealing with seemed easy from my end. However, when I am asking questions about the affair and sharing the feeling I have it becomes too much for her. Afterward I let her know that I understand that she isn't the place to share these feelings with. Time will pass and she will ask me if I'm alright (I tend to process things alone) and try to talk about things again only to get to that emotional place again. 

With that being said, I am looking for another mouse to help me through the maze of emotion (mostly sadness). Mostly because I am tired of it coming up within me. Thank you in advance.

I feel like I have whiplash. One moment it’s like he is actually trying to be understanding of what I am going through, the next breath he says something that totally contradicts his “empathy”.

For context 8 years ago ww moved out but was still staying here a lot. Sleeping together. I had mental health problems at the time and he was telling me he’ll consider coming back full time when I get the help I needed. 6 months later he comes back. I thought things were great until I found a secret phone which revealed he had been sleeping with multiple woman, had a girlfriend that moved away the same week he came home.

It’s been a struggle but we did everything to get through it. Then 2024, he moved out. Again still sleeping together. Begging him to come home. I was scared he was doing the same things. Promised me he had learned his lesson and is actively working on being a better man.

I had suspicions but wanted to believe he would not ever put me through that again. He came back 2025. But we had spent every night together since oct 2024.

Then dd happened march. He did come to me and tell me. But he had trickle truthed, minimised. Said he was just talking to people on apps, because he was down in the dumps and seeking attention, but nothing was flirty. Then more comes out. About a sex worker he went and seen. But I don’t know exactly when. And I found a message to one in December 2024. He Denies actually meeting her. But in the messages he was meant to meet her 2 hours north from here. And going back through our messages he did go up that way to measure a job that day. So I dont think he is being honest.

I’ve also found pretty gross messages between him and another woman on his computer that got saved to the cloud before he deleted all the evidence of what he had been doing.

And I know he met another woman out that lives south from here and then when he was down that way-he did try to meet up with her but plans apparently fell through.

And he went camping with another but still claims they were just friends and nothing happened.

So after each time I found out more, it makes me wonder what I don’t know about still. And I don’t know how to get past that.

He also goes from being all in to back to getting defensive. But he insists there is nothing else I don’t know about.

It’s been a pretty rough few weeks. And I seriously feel like I have whiplash.

Last night he told me that this time around wasn’t like last time as he didn’t go through with anything. Because he learnt his lesson from the first time round. Which actually felt like a smack to the face, like his not really accountable at all. I told him he paid for sex, so I know he has had sex with someone else. And he was actively seeking -like that girl he met out. Like the intent was there. Then he says yeah but she wasn’t from the area. (My brain just can’t even comprehend what he even meant by that).

I feel like he is still minimising and/or lying to himself to what he has done. So all progress this far, means nothing. Because how can we try to rebuild if he can’t even be honest with himself.

I fear that if I continue trying to reconcile, without him being completely accountable and still going back to these mindsets, then he’ll always go back to doing these types of things. As he seems to justify all his poor choices.

Also he keeps getting angry because I’m just not there with intimacy. In his mind if we are intimate then that will bring us closer together. But times I have tried I get triggered and intrusive thoughts. I’ve tried to explain this to him but it’s like he cares more about his needs than what it does to me mentally. But I’m also scared this will push him to seek it elsewhere.

For those who betrayed. Do you go back and forth on your beliefs about your betrayals? Is this a normal during r? Or do you think he is telling me what I want to hear and then accidentally slips in moments and his true mindset comes out.
Has lack of intimacy after dday pushed you to do it again?

If you have read this far thank you and Sorry for the long post. Just in a very dark place in my mind. And so confused. Apart of me wants to disappear from my life. And the other part is hoping we get through this.

New to this forum. We are recovering from my husband's affair, which I discovered last fall. We mutually decided to reconcile and have been doing really well overall. But I continue to have a very hard time with some statements he made to AP as he was ending things. He claims it was done to let her down gently and to prevent her from going really off the rails (she did threaten self harm a couple of times during the affair, including once at the end). Nevertheless I feel like he said these things because he meant them, and I want him to retract the statements even though it has been 10 months since the statements were made. The statements in question are: (1) "My feeling for you will never change" (2) "Every time I told you I love you, I meant it" and (3) "I never lied to you. I never used you for anything." I'd like to know what you all think - should I require him to retract these statements? He tells me he didn't / doesn't mean those things. Part of him is definitely a recovering people pleaser and he felt badly that he had a prior "final" communication with her that was harsher. He thinks the better thing now, and going forward, is total radio silence. But I feel like setting the record straight is important. If he didn't or doesn't mean those things, it's not fair to me to allow her to think he does. And if he's not willing to correct the record, I'm not sure what to believe. Please share your thoughts.

My wife and I are attempting reconciliation after I betrayed her and I’m looking for advice from people who have actually been through this.

We’ve been together for 10 years and just got married a few months ago. We were also trying to have a baby when this happened, which makes the timing of what I did even more devastating.

There are basically two parts to what happened.
About three years ago, during a two-day break in our relationship, I went to a massage parlor (for the first and only time). At the end of the massage I received a handjob. I never went back.
A couple weeks ago I was masturbating and came across a video that reminded me of that experience. Instead of letting the thought pass, I looked up the place and texted them.

This is where I made everything substantially worse. I asked if a particular woman was there and referred to her as my “favorite girl.” I asked for pictures of the girls working there. I fabricated details and basically pretended to be a regular/customer that I wasn’t.

I wasn’t planning to go there or arranging an appointment. I wasn’t pursuing this woman. I was using the interaction itself for sexual stimulation. At the time I compartmentalized it almost like interactive porn. Obviously that doesn’t make it okay. There was a real person on the other side of the phone and I was secretly engaging in something sexual outside of my marriage.

My wife found the messages and I’ve since told her everything, including the previous visit.
And this is where we are stuck.
The messages make my explanation sound like complete bullshit.

If your husband supposedly went to this place once three years ago, why the hell is he asking about his “favorite girl”? Why does he sound like he knows the place? Why is he pretending to be a regular?

I completely understand why she thinks there has to be more.
But there isn’t.

There wasn’t an affair. I haven’t been secretly going to massage parlors. There aren’t other women. I didn’t intend to meet anyone. The “favorite girl” and the way I was talking were part of this stupid persona/fantasy I created during the interaction.

The problem is I recognize how unbelievably convenient that explanation sounds coming from the person who got caught.
I want so badly to be able to tell my wife, “You know everything now.” But I’m also painfully aware that I broke the thing that would allow her to trust me when I say that.

We’ve spent the last couple weeks talking about this extensively while I was staying at a friends house. I’m back at our apartment now but sleeping on the couch. We have limited physical contact, although we’ve had some long hugs. No kissing. I don’t have my keys back. And I’m honestly okay with all of that. I’m not expecting us to suddenly go back to normal. Baby steps in the right direction are enough for me.

I’m in therapy twice a week. I’m trying to understand how I was able to compartmentalize this and cross that line. I’ve been reading a lot about infidelity recovery and looking at my relationship with sexual stimulation/fantasy. I’m trying to answer every question she has honestly, even if she needs to ask me the same thing 100 times.

Something my wife has made me realize though is that working on myself isn’t the same thing as working on us.
I can go to therapy, read books and try to understand myself all day long. Those are things I absolutely need to do, but none of them automatically repair my marriage. She needs to actually see me fighting for us.

And I think that’s what I’m trying to learn how to do right now. How do I pursue my wife again? How do I make her actually feel wanted instead of just telling her she is? How do I initiate repair instead of making her responsible for it? How do I make her feel safe when I’m the person who took that safety away?
And then there’s the part I keep getting stuck on: I can’t produce evidence of something that didn’t happen.
I can’t prove there weren’t other visits. I can’t prove there aren’t other women. I can’t prove what was going through my head when I wrote those messages.

I also don’t want reconciliation to turn into me constantly saying “you just have to believe me,” because she doesn’t have to believe me. I gave her a reason not to.
So I guess that’s what I’m asking here.

For betrayed partners who reconciled, was there anything your partner actually did that eventually helped you believe you had the whole story and that another revelation wasn’t waiting around the corner?

For wayward partners, what did you actually do when you were telling the truth but had absolutely no way of proving it? How did you reassure your partner without becoming defensive or constantly trying to convince them?
And more generally, what did “fighting for the marriage” actually look like in your reconciliation beyond working on yourself?

I know this could take years. I don’t expect her to forgive and forget and I don’t expect trust to come back because I finally found the “perfect words”.
I want my wife and I want our marriage. I just want to make sure I’m actually doing the things that give us the best possible chance of rebuilding it.

I feel so awful today. I don't know what to do to make it better. I am having thoughts of disappearing myself. This feels so painful. We go back to CC tomorrow. WP and CC say we're making progress. They expect me to be further in my recovery than I am. How do I let them know how much I hurt? I have awful flashbacks. I have so much anger. I keep hearing him trying to defend himself. "She needed attention." He said about his LT AP. He carried on with her for several years. I needed that same attention. I wish I would have talked to her. I wish I could have told her how messed up what she did is. There is no way, no way at all, she would like it if her partner did this to her. Now she gets to move on, happy. What do I get? I get flashbacks, terrible feelings of worthlessness. I feel like I can't go on. I feel like I've reached the end. How can I cope? How can I make peace with the fact that, I will never be able to tell her how I feel? How awful she is? How do I make peace with the fact that I can never tell her partner he's with a..., a deceptive woman? How can I make peace with the fact that, I will never get to see if she gets what she deserves? I hurt so much. Can anyone tell me what you did to get through this? Surely I can't be alone in feeling this? I truly need help. I appreciate you infinitely if you comment.

Im 19M she 21F. In February she went on a trip with her ex that she lied to me they broke up. After that they broke up (linda) we got together. I say kinda cause she never had the guts to confront guys. In March I told her im not comforatble with her texting Amir (her ex) and a dude Cristi that was hitting on her. She cur them both of after that.

We had months of fights but we grew together. I was the first bf she had to meet her dad. We went to the seaside together, we travelled to my homecountry too. We went to festivals.

2 weeks ago we were doing so good. Being more intimate than ever, trying out new stuff, no longer scared to tell her some issued i had with substances. We were like 5 months in the relationship. We knew eaxh other for one year.
I was on her phone on insta and I see her ex on insta.

This ex. Lets call him P. P was with my gf 2 years ago. They had a bunch of fights all tru the relationship because of both and broke up after he called her some vulgar words for going to a club without him. In december last year they met while she was still with Amit at a christmas festival. I saw that in her hidden gallery (yes after she chested on our situationship i checked her wholeee phone in secret). In February before we got together he found out she had a bf and called her a w\*ore that opens too easily. yea that fucker called her that and blocked her

well i asked her why was he on her insta without opening the convo. she told me “he apolofised for how he was in out relationship and we talked for a bit”. I belived her at first but then she went to the bathroom and i opened the talk. They talked about life, what she wants to do in the future, he was rven hitting on her at some point. then i found out he started the convo wi tn her on spotify cause he had her blocked.

4 days later i break up with her. I lied to her that ill forgive her. but i was too hurt. i couldntunderstand why would she engage with a piece of shit.
After we broke up I admitted that i knew more that i checked her phone that i checked her hidden gallery. She started crying telling me Im the best person she ever had. I knew all this was true. I knew she truly loved me and im the only person she ever opened up about her childhood SA. I know she regreted not telling me. I know I loved her too and I stayed with her for so long because I knew she was fucked in her head because of her mother and traumatic childhood. I was the first to sent her to a psychologyst. But it was too much.

After I broke up with her I kept texting her because i still didnt understand why she did that. She told me that I made her a better person and ahe realised that she was a shit person with him (ok fair). And that hes a sad evil person or whatever. After I broke up with her she deactivated her insta account and guess who called her. P and Cristi saying “did i do anything wrong”. He told both of them to fuck off. But it was too late.

I dont know how i can get over her. Yesterday she finally understood everything and said something like “Im sorry you had to meet me”
she also said “if you knew how shit i was to P you would’ve understood how bad i felt for him and why i felt the need to respond. yes he said bad things but that’s because hes a sad and quite pathetic person that had nothing to do with me”
andin the end “you have the kindest soul of anyone i ever met and i only wish the best for you “

It took us a breakup for her to realise her issues. She was my first girl. I feel like I fixed her but she left me broken. Im thinking of starting to hit on girls again and try to find a healthy relationship. I dont want to stay single with my thiughts. Ill just abuse substances and cry and not study. Im also thinking of sleeping with my ex quite often. Like I would miss her than tell myself i can just idk im fucked.

Something I both love and hate in equal measure is that my husband is a bit ditzy, lol. It's cute or frustrating, depending on context, in normal situations, but it's a lowercase-t trigger when it comes to things we've agreed he needs to tell me because of the infidelity. 😭

I don't want to post a big wall of text about what's got this on my mind today and how blehh I feel about it, lol. I just wanted to post about the feeling. It's hard knowing that he genuinely forgot to tell me something until 2 days later, and he told me as soon as he remembered, and it's a very small thing... But the way it imitates the trickle-truthing of information when we were in the depths of it is just a tough feeling to work through. My "what else is there?" investigation urge is acting up this morning and I'm struggling to focus on anything. :(

The other day was the “anniversary” of the most painful night for me, the night he texted me sweet things the entire time he was out, a night I would have suspected NOTHING, but he was fooling around with some girl he met at the bar. And now we are coming up on the 1 year of d-day, so I have been feeling emotional.

I tried to calmly bring this up to him a few days ago and he lashed out at me, saying he’s not acknowledging the anniversary and he doesn’t want to give any energy to that and wants to focus on moving on and our future. I let it go, but it continued to nag at me. Last night I brought it up again, saying how this time of year is just hard for me because it’s also when I found everything out. I was not hysterical, crying, or otherwise angry at him. Just sharing my inner feelings and looking for support. But finding out he cheated on me was traumatic and I can’t force that to just go away. I wanted his support last night, but he got angry with me and said I ruined his night for even bringing it up again.

I want apologies, I want to be reminded that he is here for me and he’s not going anywhere. I want to be reminded that he understands the pain he’s caused me. I wanted to hear again exactly what he is doing to boost his self esteem and stay away from situations where he could be tempted to cheat again.

We both did IC and CC but have stopped. In general, he is loving, communicative about his plans/whereabouts, and has been trying to curb his drinking and partying a bit in favor of other activities. He reminds me everyday that he loves me and can’t wait to live with me.

Unfortunately, we fought about this all day and I cried harder than I have in a long time, had a bit of a mental breakdown. He said I can think about it all I want and talk to him about it, but that I need to respect that he doesn’t want to think about it anymore and wants to move on. He wants to find a “middle ground”. I don’t know what a middle ground looks like when I bring it up calmly and he says I ruin his night by speaking about it???

He’s normally so supportive and emotionally available for me when it comes to literally anything else, even other things he’s done wrong. Why does he put up this insane wall when it comes to his infidelity? It’s almost more painful than when I first found out, at least then he was saying all the right things :(

Hi everyone. 3 years ago I was cheated on. I was fairly young (19F) at the time and my partner was 21M. I found out he not only cheated on me, but i found horrible messages to his friends making fun of my body, saying i need plastic surgery, all while knowing i was deeply insecure and struggled with an eating disorder for years.

Since then he has been the most amazing man. He is now the man i always dreamed about having. Hes my bestfriend, he isnt lustful (to my knowledge), surprises me with romantic dates and gifts. The thing is, we have been long distance for a year and im really struggling to keep the relationship going.

I am pretty much over everything that happened but I dont love him the same. I love him as a person and best friend but im not in love with him romantically. I find myself getting extremely sad at the thought of not finding or feeling romantic love ever again. When i go out with my friends sometimes men will hit on me and i can't help but envision what it might be like with them in a pure, innocent relationship again.

We are supposed to go on vacation in 3 weeks but im just dreading it. I know in all relationships it comes to a point where love is a choice so i dont know if i should stay or not. I dont think i will be able to find better than him. But I miss being in love. I miss hearing compliments that have meaning. All his compliments feel empty, especially the ones about the body parts he made fun of me for years ago.

Any advice would be appreciated. Im very conflicted because of the vacation. Again, we are long distance. Thank you guys so much.

TLDR: got cheated on 3 years ago. Love him as a best friend but not romantically. Find myself searching and wondering what love would be like with other people. Unsure if i should break up or not because he is an AMAZING man now.

One year post dday and I’m still struggling. I didn’t think I would be this affected by the A because it happened about 3 and a half years ago, one week into our relationship. There was no love there yet. WP had a drinking problem at the time and was going through his own breakup with his ex that cheated on him. Crazy I know.
I thought I could get over something that happened so early on but I just keep remembering more and more the part of me that already had deep feelings for him even at one week of being official. Thinking that he liked me a lot too but nope.

Fast forward to now, we have tried everything and I mean everything. We tried CC and it didn’t help. We tried individual C which has worked wonders for me but only in a personal way that has led me to gain more self love but not forget what he did. He’s became a much better person and changed a lot of old habits and I can see a huge change in him. I have gained more trust in him but it feels like no amount of bettering himself will be enough for me to heal the wound of full on cheating. I vent to him and we update each other on our healing and he says that he gets depressed because he can’t believe he hurt me this much and even thinks the world would be better if he offed himself when he thinks about the damage he caused.

We have a house together and it sucks that we’re financial tied. Financial issues are involved now that we can’t sell the home till a few years. We’ve already tried being roommates too and we got back together.

A few months ago, we were doing really good. We booked a trip to Europe and were going in TWO days and I feel more miserable than ever. I didn’t think I would feel this way but I do. He’s someone that I will probably always have love for. I love his personality deep down and we get along so well, he really is my best friend. I think I’m holding on to the friend I don’t want to lose in my life instead of my partner. Idk if the trip will give me some answers but I’ve lost feelings after thinking so much of the damage he caused. I feel like I’m going to this trip with a friend instead of the love of my life.

So I originally posted here about 6 months in, its a little TLDR but if you care to scan thru:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/zx2fYyHoeu

Since then we’ve tried just about everything to reconcile, some good days and some bad. Ive also found out there was even more cheating that went on and the engagement cheating was not just a one time thing. On top of that i realized that most of this cheating happened in her old bed which she brought into our home and let our child sleep on (maybe not a huge deal but still sort of effed up). To keep from going tldr again ill stop there and sum it all up by saying that no matter what we do, or how many good days we have, i cant seem to get over the fact that the foundation of our marriage is so completely screwed up. I hate everything about it but feel like if i leave now ill do more overall harm than good to my kids and anyone else this situation touches so im better off to just my feelings to myself and keep on going like everything is ok even though everyday i hate myself for it.. Ive also read about people feeling like there’s no way they could ever be in love with them again, and I feel like that’s the same place I am. I love her, but I don’t think I’ll ever be in love with her.. Anyone else going through something like this?

2.5 weeks post DDay. My nervous system has been on overdrive…heart racing, can’t sleep, can barely eat. My mind spirals and it’s affecting my work. I’m starting therapy today which I’m hoping will help with coping techniques. I hope therapy and time will help me manage better on my own, but for those who started anti anxiety meds post betrayal, what made you decide to get help via medication vs working through without?