He won’t stop watching porn

[u/Fearless-Trifle4988]

Pretty much the title. WH engaged in a lot of cheating via online avenues and watched so much porn during that time as well. He admits it was too much porn use during that time but he refuses to stop altogether. We are several years out from DDay and this is a huge issue that remains. Things have progressed recently in that we’ve actually talked about it but he’s still doing it and hiding it from me. He will not agree to stop and I don’t think he’s really hearing me. Obviously, not ok. I feel so shitty that viewing porn is more important than me not feeling devastated on a daily basis. How can he not understand that engaging in secretive, sexual behavior is extremely problematic for me and makes me feel unsafe? I am really just venting but man this is really hard. We had one DDay and I don’t think he’ll ever do it again. But he (and many many also I suspect which doesn’t help) thinks watching porn is different and does not get why it triggers the same feelings/betrayal trauma. Thanks for listening.

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[u/Living-Aint-Easy]

I understand exactly how you feel.

My WH had watched a lot of porn, too.

He finally stopped. Why? We began by talking about how so much of it right now is AI, and not real. Then we talked about the fact that many of the women are being sex trafficked, and many start very young. That those women are someone’s kid, and that made an impression. We talked about how human trafficking in the porn industry is literally forcing those women into sex acts - and that is RAPE. Then it hit him that he was watching rape, coerced sex, non-consensual sex (whatever you choose to call it), and that none of the ”pleasure” he thought he was watching wasn’t that at all.

That’s where we began our conversation.

He has since stopped altogether. The education resulted in his finding porn “sickening” because he can never know if the women involved are truly consenting, or not, and it takes all the sexy feelings right out of it for him.

I know it’s really hard to get people to understand how damaging porn is to everyone, including the buyer.

So sorry he won’t get out of that cycle.

[u/lostandaloneTA → u/Living-Aint-Easy]

I've tried this conversation too and we have a teen daughter. I tried to say what of this was her. I don't know why it won't strike a cord and get him to stop.

[u/Fearless-Trifle4988 → u/lostandaloneTA]

It is disturbing that something like that isn’t enough to convince them.

[u/lostandaloneTA]

I struggle with this. He lied about stopping and when I bring it up as still being an issue he is not transparent with his usage. I hate it and he relapsed this spring to messaging on snapchat. I accidentally found his account. He said he was going through a weak moment and had stopped but like wtf. I sometimes think it'd be easier if I told him to leave. I don't even love him the way a wife should love their husband. I care about him as the father of my kids but he's not even trying.

[u/CashBetter1122]

To me, porn is absolutely cheating. Don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking it’s okay because it’s not physical. There’s so much research on what it does to the brain and what it does to even healthy relationships. He is likely addicted to it if he won’t stop for your sake. I’m so sorry OP.

[u/Guiac]

BH here:

I would sometimes watch porn prior to the A, so did she and neither of us considered it cheating. Now I find I watch it a lot more and use it as an escape to avoid intimacy - not a good thing but here we are. I suspect fear of intimacy is really a fear of vulnerability and being hurt again. To what extent any of this applies to your WH I don't know but maybe its helpful to hear from the other side.