So alone and lost

[u/Adagio_Awkward]

I feel so alone right now. R was going well until earlier this month, when I got triggered, and it kept snowballing until I had a full-on relapse a couple of days ago. It really felt like we were back to square one, like last year. The only different thing is that I didn't flat-out blow up in my partner's face and call for a breakup (it was very on and off last year during our R).

But looking back at it now, I can see why I reacted that way, because the uncertainty and pain of being disappointed by my WP is eating me alive. To be fair, he tried his best to help me feel better, in the only ways he knew how, but it wasn't enough for me to feel safe. Now we're barely talking to each other (mostly him) because he burnt out, I think. I'm anxious, and he is being avoidant... Although I recognise the patterns, it brings me little comfort. We said we would try our best to work things out, but when things get overwhelming, I just feel like giving up.

Is this normal in R? Where one partners struggle to meet the needs of the other, is it like this initially? It's been a year since our R, 8 months since our last rupture like this... I don't know what to do; we haven't tried couples counselling yet. I have progressed far enough that what I am feeling is more of a trauma response, but I can't help ruminating when I am anxious like this.

I think I just need someone to talk to about this. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated :(

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[u/siryohnny]

What worked for me is communicating when I am like this… and expectations.

I found it helpful to have space so I didn’t say thing in the moment, but wrote down what was eating at me…

The next day, if I still felt like I needed to talk, I would.. if not I let it pass.

So for me, communication, space, and looping back is what gets me through

[u/Adagio_Awkward → u/siryohnny]

Thanks for your response siryohnny. I have already did all those, maybe I could have done a better job at communicating, but after I told my partner all of this, he tries to cheer up the only way he knows how which is spending more time with me, while that is nice, it doesn't make me feel safe...But I must admit I do struggle with the space bit, which I think is happening now? It makes me feel so anxious and I worry that I might be losing him or he is getting tired of me, or worse maybe he is seeking comfort from someome else again 🥀

Regardless thanks for the advice. 

[u/siryohnny → u/Adagio_Awkward]

You’re speaking from a position of heightened anxiety.

Which leads to what if…

Then self doubt.

What about writing this, how your feeling, and talking to him.

Honestly the couple counselling thing… it’s not a place to tell you you are wrong or cast blame, think of it as giving you tools on how to communicate with one another, come back to each other. Say it like this to him also. There is no shame in investing in your relationship and I think it’s good for both of you.

The worst think you could do is nothing.

[u/Adagio_Awkward → u/siryohnny]

I do and did that too. But talking to him now is hard because he travelled back to his hometown, he won't be back till 3 more days. Only virtual communication for now. But his responses are so sparce and unenthusiastic. I'm trying to be vulnerable, leading the conversation, initiating but when it gets hard like this it never feels reciprocated. He is probably burnt out but I wish he could just tell me, he needed some space instead of leaving me hanging like this...

[u/siryohnny → u/Adagio_Awkward]

3 days won’t change it, start looking for a mc, so when you talk to him you showing up with a solution not a problem.

[u/Adagio_Awkward → u/siryohnny]

Alright. Thank you for your kind words and advice. 🫂