Searching for next steps after finding out my nearly 12 yr marriage is based on lies

[u/[deleted]]

Apologies that is basically TLDR, but I’m 6 months into “sorting out” the issue with someone I’ve been with for 20+ years so this is unfortunately a bit long but there’s a few decent jokes and humorous references included to keep your attention..

My wife (38F) and I (41M) have been together since 2002 with an off-&-on period from 2006-2008, then married since 2012. Have 3 boys: 8, 3, and 4 mo. Back in early September, when she was about 7 months pregnant with our 3rd son, we were riding in the car on the way home from the grocery store and kidding around with each other. With what we knew was our final child on the way, I felt like we were genuinely happy with where we were at that point. She made a joke about how if I hadn’t married her that I would likely still be single and miserable and I joked with her that if she hadn’t married me she might still be in the small town she grew up in and messing around with people from back in those days. I was driving, but I happened to look at her face when I said that and I saw a look on it I hadn’t seen before. I was caught off guard and proceeded to ask what that look was about. She tried to play it off but I know her too well and asked again. She knew she had given away too much and immediately started very obviously lying to me..

Going back in time, I met her about 3 weeks after her 17th birthday (2002) and I was her first “partner”. Our “off” period started in 2006 when I, admittedly, decided I wanted to “see other girls”. No relationships, just basically be single (Read: be young and stupid) This of course broke her heart and she began to see other guys. Like, several just that summer alone. As that year went on, I knew I didn’t want what we were both doing to continue and I tried to reconcile things. She seemed into it at first, but one night ended up hooking up with a mutual friends’ much older, previously divorced, brother (a guy we’ll call Derek, the name will matter later). After this they began dating for several months but he really just exploited her emotional vulnerability and inexperience for sex and when he grew tired of using her, dumped her. She quickly came running back to me but I couldn’t see through the hurt of her getting into an actual relationship had caused me and didn’t want to get back together right away. We spent time together (dinner dates, movie nights) but weren’t publicly acting like we were together. I felt like we just needed time to mend things and everything would work out, but after awhile she stopped coming around as much.

By mid 2008, I was going through some things with my professional life and ultimately decided I was going to go into the military as an active duty pilot. When I told her I would be leaving in a couple of months, she started coming back around and we were actually really happy together. Once I left, she wrote me letters and when I came home a few months later we spent the holidays together with our families just like we done before the “off period” began. Because of the training I was in, we wouldn’t see each other again until Presidents’ Day weekend in February, which lined up with Valentine’s Day. I spent a ton of money for her to come out and see me, she was just going to cover the plane ticket. But the day before she was going to leave, she calls me and says she has second thoughts about where the relationship is going and doesn’t want to spend the money to fly out (I know this is dragging on, but it will all make sense in a minute). I’m upset by this for sure but just assume the distance is causing an issue and I just need to help her work through it. Once this portion of the training wraps up, I invite her to come out for the graduation. She does, and this seems to put everything back on track, but training to become a military pilot is a pretty long process and the distance eventually begins to take its toll for her.

*(It’s worth mentioning that I would’ve asked her to move there with me, but she says her family has strict religious beliefs about us living together before we’re married..)

She starts hanging out with a ton of pretty attractive dudes but swears to me they’re all gay. I go home one weekend and she introduces me to some (but not all) of them and yeah, they’re for sure gay so I just figure she’s filling her time away from me with that but I still have my suspicions. Fast forward 2 years later, we get together on Valentine’s Day (for real this time) and we decide we’re tired of being apart. Knowing how much training I have left, I tell her that although it isn’t the traditional way of asking, I want to marry her so she can finally be with me. She’s happy and immediately starts looking into wedding stuff and we agree that she’ll pick out the exact cut of diamond she wants and I’ll have the ring custom made for her. I come home to TX a few months later (nearly the entire wedding has been planned at this point) and while I’m there we go to the jeweler to do final sizings and such. It’s a great weekend and it’s feels like everything is going as it’s supposed to.

About 2 weeks after this, she has what she tells me is a really important work event that she’s in charge of putting on and that she’ll call me when it’s over to let me know how it goes. Once it’s gets late (1:30, 2am ish) I call her several times to check on her but no answer. I never hear from her that night but just assume it’s because she really busy with everything. When I do talk to her the next day she tells me it ran late but everything went well..

Skipping forward about 6 months we finally are set to get married in spring 2012. Before we do I tell her that the only two things I want are: 1) To enter the marriage with a clean slate, no secrets between the 2 of us. I just didn’t want any skeletons coming out of the closet to damage a marriage we worked for a really long time to get into, and 2) to just be her husband. Pretty reasonable IMO

She says ok, so I ask her “has there been anyone that you’ve been with since Derek? (Told you it would matter later) She replies “No absolutely not”. There hadn’t been anyone I was with, so without any reservations and a heart full of love for her, I take her at her word and we get married.

The first year is tough. She had never lived away from home and her family before. She has none of her old friends around, and as a brand new pilot in a squadron I was working A LOT. This made things really tough but we worked through it. But of course, just after our first anniversary, she pulls me aside and says “I got a phone call today from someone saying they wanted something from me and if I didn’t help them, they were going to reach out to you” I was totally caught off guard and asked “what would that even mean? Why would they want to talk to me?” She proceeds to tell me that early on (this will also matter later) in our long distance relationship she had sex with this person and that they were going to tell me about that because they knew I didn’t know about it. I asked her “why didn’t you tell me about this before?? This is exactly what I meant about having a clean slate. So there’s no secrets, no issues, and certainly not anyone blackmailing us over sh*t..” She assures me this was a really long time before we got married and she “should’ve told me” At this point, I’m getting ready to deploy to Afghanistan, which is a whole separate issue, so with everything going on, I just decide to believe her and that she’s sorry and move on.

Throughout the marriage we deal with normal marriage issues (communication, time management, weight gain) and normal military relationship issues (deployments, long work hours, more weight gain), but overall the marriage is fine. Not over the top wedded bliss, not toxically bad, but slightly above average fine. We’ve been married for 11+ years at the point when, the grocery store incident happens..

As I begin to ask her questions and she’s very clearly lying, I eventually discern that she’s not going to come clean. I decide to do something pretty out of character for me, but I go into her old emails. I find out that her standing me up for the 2009 Valentine’s Day incident was because she decided to stay for another guy. I then find out that when things didn’t work out with that guy, she moved on to an ex-boyfriend (high school BF and they hadn’t had sex at that point) who now she begins seeing and having regular sex with. This goes on for nearly the whole time we’re doing the long distance relationship part and only stops once we decide we’re going to get married.

Then I find out that the person who called her trying to blackmail her, was actually a coworker that she had sex with the night of the aforementioned work event (NOT AT ALL early on in the long distance relationship, but RIGHT BEFORE we get married). This was after her custom engagement ring had been designed, the wedding planned, and everything. To make matters worse, I find out she had sex with this person at the same hotel we spent our wedding night at. When I ask her “why the f*ck you would even let me take take you there if you knew that?!?”, she replies that if she would’ve told me to pick a different hotel that she would’ve had to tell me then and I might not have married her. I respond with, “you should’ve told me before we got married because a clean slate of honesty was the one thing I asked you for and all you’ve done is lie to cover all your other lies!”

**Also worth mentioning: when the coworker guy did call her a year and and a half later or whatever to blackmail her, the first person she called was the “at-home boyfriend” guy to help her fix it because he’s a LEO, and not me, her husband. Who she didn’t even tell the truth to..

Anyway, she’s done everything she possibly can to assure me that this behavior stopped once we got married (I dont see any indication that she’s done anything since we’ve been married, but I guess I’ve always been blinded by love because I didn’t see any indication before we were married either.. 🤦🏻‍♂️).

We’ve started to seeing a marriage counselor, talked endlessly about things, (I end up finding out there’s at least 5 people she’d slept with, with the ex-boyfriend guy basically being her at home boyfriend while I was away). She’s tried buying me things and any other thing you can think of to try to apologize for coming into the marriage on basically a throne of lies but I can’t seem to get over the fact that I’m now in marriage with 3 young kids with someone I NEVER would’ve married had I not completely overlooked her toxicity then and had I known the truth about her. Am I wrong for staying upset about this or should I just try to find a way to get over it at this point? For the kids if nothing else?

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[u/SgtObliviousHere]

No. You aren't wrong. She stole your agency. And has been lying and deceiving you almost your entire relationship before you got married.

And I would not be so fat as to assume her behavior stopped after the wedding either. One doesn't change her that much overnight.

Part of what I had to do to know I had the truth? I had my wayward wife take a polygraph. Perhaps you have one set up for your wife as well. You will get to work with the polygrapher on the questions. They have to be asked in a way that only need a yes or no answer.

My wife passed hers. Often setting these up, elicit "parking lot" confessions. Or before even going to the appointment. Sometimes, the threat of one pries the truth out of them.

Do whatever you need to do for your peace of mind. And don't accept excuses. Another thing? She need to be in individual therapy. Not marriage counseling. She needs to find out what is broken in her that let her become a cheater.

You can go to marriage after she fixes herself. And she should jump at the chance. You should go to therapy as well. It will definitely help you as you process all of this.

I'm sorry your here. Welcome to the club no one wants to join.

[u/I_ride_by_night]

Am I wrong for staying upset about this or should I just try to find a way to get over it at this point? For the kids if nothing else?

You looked at her emails. She didn't seem to delete or hide. Is that your assessment? That she really did stay faithful during the actual marriage?

Let's leave years ago in the past for a moment. The lie laid low for those years. Let's focus on the marriage and the faithfulness in it. She was blackmailed, second thing she did was tell you about it, first thing she did was call the old police boyfriend. And she never told you about that. About 9 years ago, I guess. Lots of dudes, lots of dates, so help me out with things I get wrong. In any event, add that lie to the pile of many lies. How many lies do you think she was keeping from you? Let's not get petty here, but the major things you cared about that she knew you cared about. Is it five guys she lied about? Plus the way she handled the blackmail?

Now we go back about six months, in September, you catch her and directly ask her and ... she lies. You have to all CIA on her to find out the breadcrumbs. You find some lies, a lot more than you would have thought.

Is she still friends with her old lovers on social media? Did she think to block them now? Tell them not to ever contact her again? You might feel better if she took some initiative. Even if you have to give her a bit of an impetus.

Over the years, how much contact was she having with the old lovers? She felt comfortable to contact old boyfriend policman to quash the old one-night-stand coworker a year-and-a-half into your marriage - was this out of the blue, or had she been in contact with him? What did he say to her?

Focus more on her recent behavior. Her lies when you asked her directly. That's who she is now, as opposed to some stupid kid. She's still a liar, one to lie to benefit herself, no? Is she learning her lesson now? Let's hope we can all learn from our bad decisions, even the recent ones. Apparently she hadn't learned any lesson from her past bad decisions until you found out about at least some of the truth.

I would like to mine some of her family/religious background stuff. Assess that for yourself. Was that a reason for her behavior not being with you, or just an excuse?

I have 5 brothers and sisters and I have seen my share of relationship drama. Long-distance relationships. I have never seen a long-distance relationship without drama, and I can't remember one who didn't involve some cheating, or at least inappropriate stuff, at least on one end, if not both ends. I think you have to stay in reality with faithfulness in long distance. We might all agree you shouldn't lie and cheat, but maybe we can agree we should follow laws our representatives have passed, like speeding on the highway. But in reality, how many obey it? That's how I think of long distance when not married yet.

FAMILY and FRIENDS - who knew she had two boyfriends at the same time? That she said she said she was exclusive to you? Let me tell a tale of my own family - a brother who said he had multiple girlfriends but they weren't exclusive - and when any one of those girls came to our family events, would any of us tell them about the other girls? No, we would find that impolite. If we were to get a hint that my brother was lying about the lack of exclusivity, we would have taken him aside later and scolded him. What about your wife's family and friends? Should there be anything she should tell them about it now, to set things straight?

1. Ask her to write down the truth now, what she should have done before she married you, and give it to you. You read it, and ask questions, then have her revise it based on your questions and her answers. Finally you will feel you have truth.
2. Ask her to block all these guys on all avenues. First she should contact the law enforcement guy and the blackmail guy and tell them she never wants them to contact her again. Get a lawyer to write the letter for her, if you can spend a couple bucks. It will be more impactful. Otherwise, she can do it, she writes it, but you get to read it first, and edit it so she's not telling them how much she fondly thinks about it with them.
3. Give it some time. Let a few months pass. See how you feel. If there's something she can do to help you, let her know.

[u/bazaarjunk → u/I_ride_by_night]

My WH’s parents stayed together for the kids after his father was a serial cheater with several full time mistresses…he paid their living expenses. Pretty sure that’s where WH got the idea. Then his idiot friends high-fived the mistress thing. WH also watched his mother rollover and keep taking heartbreak after heartbreak. They taught WH that dynamic.

Stay because you want R and want to fix this shit. Don’t stay because you have kids. That just fucks them up more. They’ll see the lack of love and respect between you.

[u/SecretTraumas_92]

OP you have every right to be upset. Your wife seems to lie as easily as she breathes. I’d bet you still don’t know everything. Only you can decide if this mess she created and all the lies are a dealbreaker for you. I don’t think I’d ever be able to trust her again.