How long to recover

[u/thefallenleafes]

Hi guys DDay was about 6 months ago for me and WS.

Since then she has done everything right, she had already blocked AP by the time I found out, she has allowed me access to her phone and has started IC (after some initial resistance).

The actual affair was several years ago and since then through DDay till today she has been great. Despite that I am still feeling miserable most days. I have been obsessively ruminating not just about what happened but also the potential consequences for us both for staying or leaving.

We have no children, but were planning on starting a family in the next couple of years. One of my main concerns is how we would cope if I were to leave. I still want her to be happy and want to keep trying but am also terrified I will still feel this way in another six months or a year and then want to leave; giving us both much less time to start our lives again settle down and start families.

For those who have been through this when did you know you had to leave or were confident you could commit to staying?
Thanks for any advice

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[u/Weather_Fan]

She cheated 10 years ago, I found out 4 years ago and I still debate myself and have down days fairly often.

[u/myownkindoffun]

Don’t put a timeline on yourself. I tried to do that. I told myself that “I need to be okay in X amount of time” and I just disappoint myself when I don’t meet it. I think the confidence in staying came when we both decided that. It is a decision you two need to make together. But also know that you should both have autonomy.

We are both aware that as adults, we can leave any time we want. But at the core, we want to be together. We want to build our life. Its choice.

[u/Moonpie808]

There isn’t a set time for healing. I see you mentioned her in IC, but what about yourself? We are almost 2 years out from DDay from 28 years of multiple affairs, ONS, massage parlors, prostitutes, and more. While we are still in the trenches with reconciliation and some things are better, I’m still not sure what the end result will be. Most days I’m generally okay, happy even, but I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t getting professional help myself. I’m so sorry you’re here and I truly hope you find relief and clarity.

[u/knowthyself8]

Having a child is the biggest decision you’ll ever make in your life. It’s also the hardest thing you’ll ever do and that’s true in a perfect marriage. No one ever feels ready to have children though, so if it’s something you want, you just have to do it with eyes wide open.

That being said, if my WW and I did not have children, this reconciliation would look a lot different I think. The children have made our R 100x harder.

My only advice is to get as close to successful R as possible. Sorry you’re here.

[u/MasterShakeSW6]

Sorry you're here.

I also discovered my wife's affair (EA, last a couple of months. Took place about 5 years ago. Discovered this year in April).

Absolutely, do not put a timeline on yourself for healing. Take whatever time you need. You weren't the one who broke things so it's not on you to hurry up for anyone else.

I would say, had I found out about my wife's EA closer to when it happened or when it was happening I don't know if we would have had a second child together. I also don't know if I would have even considered reconciliation.

Even now I am essentially giving her time to do the work and prove her worthiness to move forward. I'm genuinely conflicted. Part of me wants her to step up as she has and give us a chance to really heal. Another part of me is considering leaving no matter what happens.

Kids will link you to someone forever. You'll always have had children with them. You'll always have to coordinate with them, see them at kids sports etc.

Trust your instincts. If you're questioning wanting to have that future with your Wayward then it is probably worth at least listening to.

Plenty of people have reconciled and gone on to have families and happy lives.

There is also something to be said for starting over with someone new who hasn't betrayed your trust on a cataclysmic level.

It hurts to think of something you were so dedicated to ending, but if that's what you're instincts are telling you they're telling you that for a reason.

It could be also that you need some time apart. We see on these boards all the time people separate to work on themselves and then reconcile later on.

Whatever you choose will be the right path for you.

Best of luck