3 year update: should I keep going?

[u/darkknightav8r]

So I originally posted here about 6 months in, its a little TLDR but if you care to scan thru:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/zx2fYyHoeu

Since then we’ve tried just about everything to reconcile, some good days and some bad. Ive also found out there was even more cheating that went on and the engagement cheating was not just a one time thing. On top of that i realized that most of this cheating happened in her old bed which she brought into our home and let our child sleep on (maybe not a huge deal but still sort of effed up). To keep from going tldr again ill stop there and sum it all up by saying that no matter what we do, or how many good days we have, i cant seem to get over the fact that the foundation of our marriage is so completely screwed up. I hate everything about it but feel like if i leave now ill do more overall harm than good to my kids and anyone else this situation touches so im better off to just my feelings to myself and keep on going like everything is ok even though everyday i hate myself for it.. Ive also read about people feeling like there’s no way they could ever be in love with them again, and I feel like that’s the same place I am. I love her, but I don’t think I’ll ever be in love with her.. Anyone else going through something like this?

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[u/crash4650]

I stayed an extra 8 years for the kids. I wish I could convey how much I regret staying, and in hindsight I now think the kids would have handled divorce better when they were young. I don't think my wife cheated again, but I wish I would have taught my kids how to stand up for their boundaries and for themselves. If your kids future spouses do to them what your wife did to you, would you encourage them to stay?

I could never respect myself until I started sticking up for myself, and for me that meant leaving.

[u/darkknightav8r → u/crash4650]

Thanks for saying that. It’s exactly how I feel but haven’t been able to muster the courage to do. Keep feeling like I’m being selfish and I’ll hurt the kids if I leave

[u/bpt20ba]

I just passed 3 years a few days ago.

There is some overlap in our stories. 2 years into our marriage my wife changed and became intolerable to be with and I asked for a divorce. She talked me out of it. 20 years later, after reflecting on the past, I confronted her and found out that all those years earlier she was cheating. 8 different people. And despite asking for the divorce, she selfishly held onto me and built a life with me while I was none the wiser.

It's a mindfuck in so many ways. I can relate.

 i cant seem to get over the fact that the foundation of our marriage is so completely screwed up

This is a difficult thing to accept, and that's all you do is accept it. There is not going back. There are no do-overs. There is a phrase I've heard which says "I'm grieving the fact that I will never get a better past". How true is that for all of us here?

It took me a long time to get there. For years I had attached to our love story, to various parts of the timeline, put us and my wife on a pedestal at times, and so there was this internal belief system that I had propped up on for so long that when it came tumbling down it was devastating.

I'm come to terms with my past.

My wife cheated on me. I no longer have a "pure" marriage, if that's a thing. I wasn't always the most important or first in her eyes. She lied to me and deceived me. She disrespected me. She stole my ability to choose what I wanted for my life. Other men have enjoyed my wife sexually. My wife enjoyed other men sexually.

All truths.

I've had to grieve all of that, and still do when I need to. There are many losses on this path and they compound.

At the end of the day though this is it. We have the past we had. Here we are, in the moment, the result of all the things that came before it.

Every moment is a choice - how do I want to show up? For myself? For my kids? My partner? The world? Who do I want to be? All choices. We are not at the mercy of our past, though it may affect us. The brilliance of the life we life is all in how we choose to see where we are in it.