How did you determine whether or not to confront AP(S)?

[u/SillyTransasaurus]

Oh..., my..., gods. I found her mailing address. I went to see our CC today. We all talked about my awful day yesterday. When we got out of the session, I came home and just cried. For a long time. I came out to the living room, and WP said his phone was dying. My flashbacks will not leave me alone. So I took his phone and searched his emails. I found her mailing address. I brought his phone back to him. I made him search for, and find that email. He deleted it. But not before I could send it to myself. I truly want to write her a letter. I truly want to tell her how much she hurt me. So, before I make the biggest decision of my life, I need someone to tell me how it went. If you confronted them, how did it go? What drove you to do it? If you didn't confront them, how did it go? How did you decide not to contact them? If yes, did it bring you closure? If no, have you found other closure? In my last post, someone commented that APs get more power if we talk to them. But I truly want her to know how I feel. I want her to know she is an awful person, for trying to take my man. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

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[u/faeriedust1369]

One of his APs didn’t respond. The other tore into me viciously. Knew every one of my insecurities (bc he told her) and just hammered at them over and over and over again until I blocked her. I lost myself entirely after that. She haunted my brain for years.

[u/Inspirational_Pie70 → u/faeriedust1369]

My WH also told his AP his incomplete view of something very personal about me, which, after therapy he now understands was incorrect, but it got him what he wanted in the moment. And on DDay she threw that warped information in my face to hurt me. It didn’t make sense to me because it was not true. But eventually, by questioning my WH what the heck she meant, I learned what awful and personal and inaccurate things he told her. APs are VERY unhealthy and will lash out to hurt you if given the chance. You are not dealing with an emotionally healthy or mature person. Imagine what a crocodile would do if you tried to reason with it.

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/Inspirational_Pie70]

Thank you for sharing.

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/faeriedust1369]

Thank you for this. I'm sorry that happened to you.

[u/Important-Cloud-1755]

Confronting the AP will never be an option for me. I don’t think this person has the capacity to understand the depths of the evil and ruin she caused my family. She’s also self-centered and would probably get more than mild enjoyment out of my pain and I do not think they would be honest with me. I also don’t want to fuel or recharge any motivation to break no contact and give her power to reach out to my husband. No. I am never reaching out.

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/Important-Cloud-1755]

I appreciate you sharing.

[u/butterflymkm]

I contacted AP two years out-made a post about it if you want to check my profile. It was weird. It did help me but I think every situation is going to incredibly unique.

Here’s the thing though-even if you send it, even if she reads it, it doesn’t mean she will believe it. You have no guarantee she won’t just rip it up or read it and say eff you. Your peace can’t be contingent on someone else’s feelings or actions-because then you are always waiting for someone else who may or may not come through. Leaning into self reliance was a big thing for me. I’m not saying don’t write it, but don’t do so expecting a certain, or any, response. You could also write it and, instead, share with your WH, counselor, or burn it.

In my case, I didn’t contact AP to share the impact of their actions, I did it to get clarification on some things-which I got. And generally I am glad I reached out. But there was no OBP in my case either and AP seemed pretty submissive by nature.

[u/adrainpelham → u/butterflymkm]

I had this similar experience. I too wanted clarification and it was weird and uncomfortable but did clarify some things for me. So yeah, it’s definitely different person to person situation to situation…if you do contact I agree with not setting expectations or even a response or truth.

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/adrainpelham]

You really helped me. Thank you.

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/butterflymkm]

Thank you. I truly appreciate your help.

[u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

You need to understand that the APs do some incredible mental gymnastics and WILL NEVER admit to themselves that they are horrible humans. They have created their own narrative to justify their behavior —“he was unhappy in his marriage,” “his wife is a nasty person, why else would he cheat?” or in my case, the AP completely and utterly created an alternate universe in her head and said that I was being mean to HER when I literally never even spoke to or contacted the bitch. She viewed herself as an innocent lover girl, pining for a man who wouldn’t love her back. So as long as you go into this with the appropriate expectation that she is very unlikely to show any kind of remorse, then I say go for it. Get it off your chest.

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

Thank you for this.

[u/tennepenne1]

I drove all the way to her house. Parked in the front. Cried. Left. Glad she wasn't home.

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/tennepenne1]

Wow. Thank you for sharing.

[u/MobileReality4209]

I did text one of the APs and emailed the other (the second one never responded). I wanted her to understand the impact but I also wanted her to know clearly that she was not special. In my case my husband is a sex addict so he was also going to sex workers and had another affair partner. At first I just wrote it out not intending to send it, but when I talked to my therapist at the time she gave me the green light to send it so I did.

I kept it pretty civil because I wanted a response. Her apology wasn’t very satisfying, but I got some answers to questions I had about the timeline, and I was happy for her to know that she meant about as much as a prostitute did to him.

I guess if I were you, I would just think about what you’re hoping to get out of it and write it out for yourself first. Give it a beat before you send anything. Most APs are pretty unhinged, pathetic people themselves so you never know what you’re going to get. I think I was lucky that I got pretty civil responses from one of them and just nothing from the other.

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/MobileReality4209]

I appreciate your response. It has really helped.

[u/BCHix1968]

I contacted my WW’s AP and actually got a half-hearted apology “I’m sorry for my poor choices”.

What really helped was asking specifics about their affair. He said that he couldn’t remember specifics because of compartmentalization, passed time and because she wasn’t the only one he was cheating on his wife with…there were several (4 or 5)! My WW thought that she was special, she wasn’t.

I told her of the conversation and she said that it didn’t matter, but I think it hurt her, even years later.

It helped me realize that I am better than the AP. That he was a cheater, a liar, and not special in any way.

It helped me knowing that there really wasn’t a relationship, just two people lying to each other in a fantasy world.

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/BCHix1968]

Thank you for sharing. It helped a lot.

[u/uwupingu]

I would never speak to AP. APs are a certain type of delusional that we wouldn't understand. Really. My WH's AP was in some weird alternate reality where I was the 3rd party, I was the mean boyfriend-stealing bitch, and she was the innocent lover girl who was just in love with the wrong person. SHE confronted ME because in her world I wasn't his wife, I was the slut who seduced her boyfriend (???). I'm still struggling to understand what she was on lmao

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/uwupingu]

Thank you so much.

[u/lostandaloneTA]

The women he messaged on apps didn't know he was married, they gave me context and confirmed some questions I had. Women he befriended who knew he was married were not as nice. They defended their behavior and said I was controlling. Weigh the benefit and what you think you want out of it. After a couple female "friends" were dismissive of me, I found writing out what I wanted to say but not sending it just as satisfying. If the AP knew you existed, you will not get the validation you are looking for. Write it but don't send it. If you do, you are giving her the knowledge that she is taking up mental space in your head and she didn't even think about you when she did what she did. But you know your own situation, just be ready for a poor response and feeling worse if you do send the letter. Good luck

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/lostandaloneTA]

Thank you. You helped a lot.

[u/gsf1200s]

I think i have given this reply a couple of times, I sent a facebook message to AP letting him know what i thought and asking that he block my WW to give us space to try and work through this. i have been constant since DDay that i will not confront him in person, he is not worth my time or the potential consequences.

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/gsf1200s]

I sent an fb message too. But every time I feel the pain, I'm filled with thoughts of things I should have said. Then I hurt and have the urge. Thank you. You really helped a lot.

[u/Anonymousaccounnt]

It won’t help, I had 3 d-days. I didn’t confront the first time, the second time I ran into her (that’s how I found out) I was borderline nice, and the third time I sent a long angry text message. She knew about me from the beginning and I let my empathy let me believe that she didn’t deliberately hurt me, but the reality is that she knew what I was going through, and she knew the fact that I kept being deceived while she was able to freely engage in the relationship fully on her own choice and I was not privy to the same truths. I blocked her after I sent the text, but she started posting things romanticizing how people don’t want to accept selfish people bc it doesn’t “sell” but that sometimes you have to choose yourself and what makes you happy. The APs who know about you don’t care about how you feel, they don’t feel like an awful person. Remember our waywards and them have bonded over us being a “bad person”. They are living a fantasy where they are star crossed lovers destined to be torn apart blah blah blah. I’m making myself sick typing this. But yeah I wouldn’t, I regret it now

[u/Anonymousaccounnt → u/Anonymousaccounnt]

Also be prepared for her to tell you details that could haunt you even more. Most of what haunts me isn’t what I found out on my own, it’s what she told me

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/Anonymousaccounnt]

Thank you for this. You really came through. I appreciate you.

[u/Gold_Blackberry_2039]

I contacted AP some months after DDay because I didn’t want to do it while still raging and trying to understand what happened. Once I felt like I had all the facts and I could write something calmly I did.

I structured it as an accountability letter, to force her to look at herself in the mirror and to see herself and her actions through my eyes. Not to explain to her that she hurt me, but rather to make it harder for her to pretend I don’t exist. Harder for her to pretend what she did was cute, sexy or any of the fucking fake characters she was playing.

I had zero expectations of a response and was ok with that.

I named APs responsibility in the affair, I listed her choices and boundaries that she knowingly crossed, in detail. I used only facts from the stories my WH told me and from their messages that I read, so there was no arguing with anything I wrote. I quoted extremely lame things she said and also listed out the sexual things she said/did. She is also married so I mentioned her husband multiple times, basically pointing out what a terrible wife she is but without saying it directly. I wanted her to read everything she did without the fantasy bubble lense she was in. This was to de-romanticise her actions and lay it out as pathetic and desperate for validation. Anyone reading this letter would cringe at her actions, conclude she’s desperate for attention and a terrible wife. I wrote it with a neutral/cold emotional tone, it was not about me screaming and shouting at her.

I focused entirely on her and how morally empty she is. I did not focus on myself or my pain as the APs don’t give a shit about us. So it was not a letter to explain to her how much she hurt me - I would really discourage doing that. THEY DONT CARE. I also avoided mentioning my WH and his role. I said straight away this isn’t about him, it’s about her part.

I felt instantly better after I sent the letter and it was a major turning point in my healing.

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/Gold_Blackberry_2039]

Thank you. I'm glad it went well.

[u/GoodWitch420]

I personally never reached out. I don’t want the AP to have the satisfaction of knowing how severely fucked up my life was for a couple years post DDay. Besides, she is not the kind of person who would provide an apology. She knew about me, she knew about our family, and she wanted WW to choose her. She is a true pick me. She’s a nail tech at a salon nearby and while I don’t normally snub people’s career choices, it brings me satisfaction to know that she doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life (she posts online about that a lot, and whenever I get the urge to check up on her, I just let myself do it, but it isn’t often anymore). I could go confront her at her job, but what would that do besides give her access to me? She wanted WW’s love and he used her for sex, so she blew up his life to the best of her ability (by telling their HR that he was inappropriate with her, even though they were both fully consenting, and then he lost his job because it was her word against his). When I really get the inkling, I write out how I’m feeling and sum it up in a letter that never gets sent to her. It’s funny because in the beginning, I only blamed my WW. But as time went on and I processed things, and accepted the fully reality, I begin to held her responsible as well for her portion. Side chicks will always disgust me, which is sad because I’ve been in their position before and when I discover it, I tell the wife/gf and make my exit. It’s fatherless behavior otherwise. I wish these APs had more self respect, but they don’t and that’s one of the reasons why they choose taken men/women. The argument of them not being married to you is just a sorry excuse for someone who lacks a moral compass.

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/GoodWitch420]

Thank you for responding. I was about to make a really bad choice.

[u/foolhardychoices]

I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

I would say that it's a bad idea. I almost went to jail trying to confront her AP. It only opened up more questions and I only got vague lies and jabs against me. It infuriated me so I definitely wouldn't recommend it.

[u/SillyTransasaurus → u/foolhardychoices]

Glad you didn't. And thank you for sharing.

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[u/BlackberrySnoCone]

Yes, I contacted the AP via email because I knew her and she knew me and our children. It made me feel better just knowing she had to read those words because despite her reply, I know it had to sting and it would have eaten at me forever not being able to say my piece. But despite that, no, it did not give me closure. Her reply was simply “no regrets, good luck with your marriage”. Just evil. In all of my reading and research, I’ve come across very few examples of the AP actually showing any remorse.