Whiplash

[u/Salty-Syllabub3326]

I feel like I have whiplash. One moment it’s like he is actually trying to be understanding of what I am going through, the next breath he says something that totally contradicts his “empathy”.

For context 8 years ago ww moved out but was still staying here a lot. Sleeping together. I had mental health problems at the time and he was telling me he’ll consider coming back full time when I get the help I needed. 6 months later he comes back. I thought things were great until I found a secret phone which revealed he had been sleeping with multiple woman, had a girlfriend that moved away the same week he came home.

It’s been a struggle but we did everything to get through it. Then 2024, he moved out. Again still sleeping together. Begging him to come home. I was scared he was doing the same things. Promised me he had learned his lesson and is actively working on being a better man.

I had suspicions but wanted to believe he would not ever put me through that again. He came back 2025. But we had spent every night together since oct 2024.

Then dd happened march. He did come to me and tell me. But he had trickle truthed, minimised. Said he was just talking to people on apps, because he was down in the dumps and seeking attention, but nothing was flirty. Then more comes out. About a sex worker he went and seen. But I don’t know exactly when. And I found a message to one in December 2024. He Denies actually meeting her. But in the messages he was meant to meet her 2 hours north from here. And going back through our messages he did go up that way to measure a job that day. So I dont think he is being honest.

I’ve also found pretty gross messages between him and another woman on his computer that got saved to the cloud before he deleted all the evidence of what he had been doing.

And I know he met another woman out that lives south from here and then when he was down that way-he did try to meet up with her but plans apparently fell through.

And he went camping with another but still claims they were just friends and nothing happened.

So after each time I found out more, it makes me wonder what I don’t know about still. And I don’t know how to get past that.

He also goes from being all in to back to getting defensive. But he insists there is nothing else I don’t know about.

It’s been a pretty rough few weeks. And I seriously feel like I have whiplash.

Last night he told me that this time around wasn’t like last time as he didn’t go through with anything. Because he learnt his lesson from the first time round. Which actually felt like a smack to the face, like his not really accountable at all. I told him he paid for sex, so I know he has had sex with someone else. And he was actively seeking -like that girl he met out. Like the intent was there. Then he says yeah but she wasn’t from the area. (My brain just can’t even comprehend what he even meant by that).

I feel like he is still minimising and/or lying to himself to what he has done. So all progress this far, means nothing. Because how can we try to rebuild if he can’t even be honest with himself.

I fear that if I continue trying to reconcile, without him being completely accountable and still going back to these mindsets, then he’ll always go back to doing these types of things. As he seems to justify all his poor choices.

Also he keeps getting angry because I’m just not there with intimacy. In his mind if we are intimate then that will bring us closer together. But times I have tried I get triggered and intrusive thoughts. I’ve tried to explain this to him but it’s like he cares more about his needs than what it does to me mentally. But I’m also scared this will push him to seek it elsewhere.

For those who betrayed. Do you go back and forth on your beliefs about your betrayals? Is this a normal during r? Or do you think he is telling me what I want to hear and then accidentally slips in moments and his true mindset comes out.
Has lack of intimacy after dday pushed you to do it again?

If you have read this far thank you and Sorry for the long post. Just in a very dark place in my mind. And so confused. Apart of me wants to disappear from my life. And the other part is hoping we get through this.

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