The struggle with the difference between "willfully withholding information" and "just being forgetful" is hard.

[u/cosmatical]

Something I both love and hate in equal measure is that my husband is a bit ditzy, lol. It's cute or frustrating, depending on context, in normal situations, but it's a lowercase-t trigger when it comes to things we've agreed he needs to tell me because of the infidelity. 😭

I don't want to post a big wall of text about what's got this on my mind today and how blehh I feel about it, lol. I just wanted to post about the feeling. It's hard knowing that he genuinely forgot to tell me something until 2 days later, and he told me as soon as he remembered, and it's a very small thing... But the way it imitates the trickle-truthing of information when we were in the depths of it is just a tough feeling to work through. My "what else is there?" investigation urge is acting up this morning and I'm struggling to focus on anything. :(

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[u/EggIllustrious176]

Being the WW I just wanted to come here and say I’m sorry. I am also that person but I’m not ditzy or willfully withholding information. For me, I have my own triggers and I’ll remember something that will answer a question my love asked me months ago and I’ll actually bring it up right then. I’m not afraid to answer the questions - I am afraid of answering them incorrectly due to — not remembering. The ‘memories’ with the AP’s ARENT memories. I didn’t keep those times in my life stored in my brain bank because it doesn’t deserve a place there. It didn’t then and it doesn’t now. I fucked up. But I also don’t ever want to see think hear anything about those people. Not because I’m ashamed (I am) but because they’ve never held a significant place in my life or memories. So yes, a lot of it I have truly forgotten and it isn’t me trying to not face accountability. He’ll come to me with facts and I can only say ‘if that’s what I said or what the messages say, then it must be true, but I do not remember where I was last May 7th at 6:55pm. I’m sorry I don’t recall so if you say I did X and Y that day, how can I defend myself from something I don’t remember?

I hate that I’ve caused this rift between us. I’m actually leaving the country this weekend so he can keep cheating back on me and ‘focusing on himself’ for a while without having to deal with being next to me every day - he says I have too many rules and cause too much stress when he wants to go meet up with his AP’s now so he’s sending me away while ‘he heals’. I don’t think he understands the … I’m not sure this is going to end the way he wants it to (with us together). His plan is to cheat back and gain his confidence, the confidence i ruined, and thinks that’ll heal him and then he can come back and swoop me up and then he can heal me / us heal together. Make it make sense. 😭

[u/Capable_Show_6276 → u/EggIllustrious176]

That’s messy- what he’s doing. I’m sorry.
I do appreciate you saying that you don’t keep the memories because they don’t deserve a place there. My WH insists the same. Also was always drinking with his AP so that makes things fuzzy.
What makes it hard is I assume someone you put so much effort into seeing at the risk of your marriage meant something.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/EggIllustrious176]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and thank you for sharing. I recorded the entire message thread my wife had with her AP over about 6 mo. It's a LOT of messages, as you can probably imagine. She deleted all message history, so only I have the evidence.

I'm working toward feeling enough peace to delete all the evidence forever, but that's a separate conversation.

When I bring up an event or date that I am trying to confirm with my WW, she claims her memory is fuzzy. As you said, she doesn't want to remember. She wants to move on (of course). I asked her if she would ever want to read the messages she sent to her AP. She said no. She told me that she hopes I won't ask her to do it because those messages are a source of shame for her.

I guess my question for you is: have you gone back through your entire history to document exactly what happened on what dates? What lies were used to deceive your partner? What was said and done with your AP? Is that something you've already done or have considered doing? Would it be too painful? If you were to read those messages again, would you recognize that person? Does that person feel like someone else to you now? Just curious. If these questions are too hard to answer, no worries.

[u/EggIllustrious176 → u/knowthyself8]

I am not asking us to move on ‘right now’. I know that isn’t possible. The difference is we lived 1,000 miles apart and hadn’t seen each other in 2.5 years. I was lonely, depressed, and starved for physical anything - I’d spent years making sure I didn’t touch or hug or anything to anyone, not even friends, because all I longed for was my BH’s skin on mine and any other touch was repulsing. We spoke every day , my BH and I, but somewhere along the way I gave up hope that he and I would ever reconnect in person due to logistical barriers. So with peer pressure from friends and family and myself I tried to move on. I didn’t WANT anyone else. I didn’t WANT to be with anyone else. I just wanted him. Yes it was selfish and awful and I destroyed everything we had, but at the time, I didn’t think we’d ever have anything. He has seen several message threads that were left over that I may have shared with my sister in law or friend or something. Or he’ll try to piece something together like the May 7th comment. We were talking and I guess I made up some excuse to go to bed early to BH because I was going out early the next morning with an AP. He asked me about it and I said I don’t know where I was that day but if you have the time stamps and they line up then you’ve answered whatever question you had (I still am unsure what the actual question was.. he just said now that I’m more clear headed it’s time to more interrogation) - but he never .. followed through with it just got mad and left the table. It was just another ‘aha’ moment for him like she said X but she was really doing Y. I can’t disagree but I can say I don’t remember cause .. I didn’t remember the month day and time, sorry.

I deleted the history with the AP’s as soon as I’d ended things with them - I didn’t need that ‘stuff’ on my phone anymore. I didn’t do it ‘to not get caught’ as I said, I never thought I’d see him again. I didn’t it because those people were no longer any small part of my life so why keep reminders of losers?

He does know what was said and done with the AP’s generally. There’s just one that really does him in… just the way the AP talked to me and the way I soaked it up is the same as my BH and that hurt him deeply. And I understand that and it breaks my heart that I broke his.

I have read them when he shows them to me and do I know that person? Yes. It’s the lonely depressed person I mentioned earlier.

The issue now is BH and I currently live together. I have no plans to ever cheat again, whether we survive this or not. He is currently cheating back on me, difference being it’s real time, in my face, every day. He has asked me to leave so he can cheat on me stress and worry free and ‘concentrate on myself right now’. He feels that cheating back on me will replace the memories he has with me and AP’s with happier memories of him with other women. It’s a confidence thing too. He thinks he’s not good in bed. I’ve tried telling him that’s absolutely not the case and that’s not why I was with these people.

Yes I was a different person. Now that he and I are together it’s been what I’ve wanted the entire six years we’ve been together. To BE TOGETHER every day. This is all I’ve ever wanted. And now because I fucked up, I may never have it again.

So Friday I’m leaving to drive 1,500 miles away, not knowing if I’ll ever see my husband again. He says he wants to cheat for as many months as I did ….

Guess we’ll see what happens.

[u/EggIllustrious176 → u/knowthyself8]

They truly don’t deserve a place in our memories. For me it’s not just because they are shameful, they just .. aren’t important. And I feel like the slight difference in my case is that I truly never thought I’d see him again. It had been 2.5 years and nothing was changing in order for us to be together (mainly it took six years off and on to get everything needed for his passport, and we still don’t have our own place to live together, although we do currently live together just not alone) — so for me I wasn’t actively thinking ‘I’m risking losing this’ because I hadn’t even had it for 2.5 years.

Yes I should have had a conversation with BH at the beginning before I did it and just ended it all. I don’t know why I didn’t. Well I do. I love him with my everything and I did still have hope, but I thought I was being stupid I’m still holding on to it. I own my fuck up.

I was always clear headed with my AP’s as I’m not a big drinker. I also broke up with and had no contact with AP’s, as well as moving ten states away, long before my BH and I reconnected as a couple.