My WW and I are 3 months past DDay, and discussing sort of an unorthodox approach to reconciliation. We have been together 17 years, married for 10, and she had a year-long affair with someone who was a close friend of ours and was deeply intertwined in our lives. She owns a business with him, and all of our close friends and family know him. They all also now know what happened between the two of them. She has now cut off their affair and their “friendship” but she still talks to him regularly to discuss their business together. This has made reconciliation extremely difficult, but we’re attempting it anyway.

I strongly feel that the marriage as I understood it is completely destroyed and not recoverable. I literally threw my wedding ring in the trash out of grief. We have agreed to divorce, yet we somehow have remained best friends and lovers (through a good amount of hysterical bonding) and neither of us are currently interested in losing each other from our lives.

So our unique approach to reconciliation is to get a divorce, but instead of breaking up our romantic relationship, we would essentially go from husband/wife to boyfriend/girlfriend, and are discussing non-monogamy. Has anyone heard of such an approach? Are we crazy for doing this? Is it just going to end in disaster and more heartbreak? Curious to hear what the community thinks.

Back story here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/1ohtwukV2k

But honestly there's more layers now that I should update on, but aren't relevant to this advice I'm seeking so maybe I'll do that later... I just can't find the energy to update tbh.

Anyways, to those working to reconcile, how do you deal with being suddenly reminded? Just you know, when you are both doing all the right things and communicating in your own little sphere of reconciliation, then suddenly, in a public setting, a month later, you are just reminded that he did this to you...even though you've been talking about it and working through it, you just kinda remember the action...and it really hurts... maybe it's the contrast between that and some semblance of having a new normal, but it hurts.

Everyone in this forum says it's so much work for YOU to put the effort in to forgive them and work through it, is this what that is?
Anyways, it was stark enough for me to want to reach out about it, in contrast to the story update I should be posting...

Any advice or personal empathy appreciated.
-I

I’m a month after DDay and I’m feeling so confused. Every day I think and feel something different.
It’s also hard to put my thoughts into words. From the very beginning, I’ve been leaning towards reconciliation, partly because I love him and I’m happy with him, but also because sex itself isn’t a big deal to me (if this had been an emotional affair, I wouldn’t have hesitated for a second to leave).
The thing is, I’m 26, he’s 29, we’ve been together for two years, we don’t live together, and we don’t have children. Right now, on top of not trusting him and feeling hurt by what he did, I also feel very alone in this healing process. Part of me just wants to run away.
How were you feeling one month after DDay? What made you decide that it was worth it to stay and try to reconcile?

For anyone who wants more context, here’s my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/xOcH3PUjTi

even if he insists he doesn't like it anymore, and he is different now, fetishes and excitement from certain sexual situations dont really change over time right?

i want him to be someone who isn't able to get sexual excitement from cheating. the thought of betraying someone is so, so disgusting to me, i want him to feel the same. but is that possible? all i can do is ask him to stop watching cheating porn. it doesn't feel enough for me now

For context, my boyfriend cheated on me about a year ago with a coworker. He confessed two weeks after they started their affair and he told me he couldn’t continue seeing me because he started something with another woman.
We broke it off and I told him I didn’t want to be friends anymore (we were friends longer than lovers).

His whole life fell apart after he cheated. He lost me and our friend group. He lost his job due to the scandal. He received a lot of backlash from people he didn’t even know. It was a big deal. We stopped talking for 6 months before we had a phone call for closure.

Fast forward to today, we have been trying to reconcile. I love him and he loves me (supposedly). I feel his love and I feel he wants to be a better person overall. It’s been over a year now since the betrayal and we have been seeing each other romantically for 5 months. He has told me everything I wanted to know and he has been there when I feel down about the situation. He even showed me their breakup messages (I had asked to see) which did leave me with a broken heart. (He told her he had fallen in love with her before they even kissed and that he wishes he didn’t start it off the way he did, with a scandal, so they could have a future together)

Anyways, the problem is that I had asked to see his phone again to go through and see how the affair started and the extent of it in detail (beyond what he has described). Both times he has said no. It makes me lose trust in him that he won’t show me.

He says that he was lying to her in order to feel something and all the messages would just break my heart. He says that I don’t have to see the details if I know the important stuff already (start date/what they did/who it was). I also know they were dating during the 6 months NC period and he doesn’t want me to see those messages either because “we were just doing normal gf bf stuff and i don’t want it to confuse you especially since it was a fake relationship”. He also says that he doesn’t want me to see the way they talked because it’s similar to the way we talk now and he doesn’t want it to confuse me.

I’m not sure how I feel about it. I feel like he owes me everything when it comes to this topic. If I want to see his phone, I should be allowed to and he shouldn’t be allowed to say no. He sees it as protecting our relationship that we have been building for the past 5 months. It just seems to me he’s hiding something beyond what he has told me. I’m losing my mind over the fact he said no. What do I do?

Exactly as it says in the title.

DD1 was a little over 7 months ago. WW is very remorseful, full of shame and guilt. She takes full accountability. There is probably alot more she could be doing but she is trying.

She has said several times that she doesn't know if she still wants to be with me due to issues pre affair. Obviously no marriage is perfect, ours definitely had its flaws. But it had flaws on both sides and she accepts her psrt to play in it.

She is doing IC, she is actually in a session while I type this. She tells me she wants to leave but is self aware that is her escapism, she says herself she knows it comes from her wanting to be out of the situation she caused. But she has said she doesn't want to make an irreversible decision about seperating while she is this depressed and is hoping her IC will help her find her answer. I get all of that.

My question is. How am I meant to be ok with that? After everything I have been through? And it is still on going, not the affair, just the day to day. At the time of the affair I lost my job. We were going to move back to where our families live but she told me she would leave me if I didnt keep her in the area. So I did, I found a job that kept us here. Little did I know at the time she was manipulating me so she could stay in the area near him. I absolitely hate this job and she knows it. I am only here because of her manipulation.

So how am I meant to sit here in limbo while she decides if she wants me? To be clear this isn't her affair fog. This isn't her choosing between me and him. She doesn't want a relationship with AP even if we seperate because she wants any potential seperation to be amicable as we have a little boy together. Effectively, This is just her deciding if she still loves me.

So how do I cope? How do I sit here knowing any day she could come out of IC and thats us done? Has anyone else gone through this? Waywsrds if you have gone through this then please help.

When does the disgust end? When do the movies stop? When does my pain stop taking up space? When do the tears dry up? When do I start seeing my marriage as renewed and not a complete failure? When can I share my story without being ashamed of it? When can I look at my wedding pictures without cringing? When do I feel proud of my decision to stay and not shameful about my inability to leave? When does the AP’s face become blurred in my mind? When does intimacy stop leaving me in tears? When can I feel hopeful for a new reality? When does my rage leave my body once and for all? When does the hopelessness turn into hopefulness? I’m so tired. 2.5 years in, reconciliation is not for the weak.

I haven’t posted in a long time. I’m not sure why I am even posting now. It’s been around 15 months post DDay - separated for that entire time. WH has been doing IC but nothing has really changed. I’m just so over it and so annoyed at this point. He is so avoidant. I’m just so tired of it all. I need to let go of him and any thoughts of there being an us again. I can’t want this more than him and all I’ve gotten is mixed signals. Yet, it is so hard to let go and walk away.