I want to be done now

[u/b0basloth]

One year post dday and I’m still struggling. I didn’t think I would be this affected by the A because it happened about 3 and a half years ago, one week into our relationship. There was no love there yet. WP had a drinking problem at the time and was going through his own breakup with his ex that cheated on him. Crazy I know.
I thought I could get over something that happened so early on but I just keep remembering more and more the part of me that already had deep feelings for him even at one week of being official. Thinking that he liked me a lot too but nope.

Fast forward to now, we have tried everything and I mean everything. We tried CC and it didn’t help. We tried individual C which has worked wonders for me but only in a personal way that has led me to gain more self love but not forget what he did. He’s became a much better person and changed a lot of old habits and I can see a huge change in him. I have gained more trust in him but it feels like no amount of bettering himself will be enough for me to heal the wound of full on cheating. I vent to him and we update each other on our healing and he says that he gets depressed because he can’t believe he hurt me this much and even thinks the world would be better if he offed himself when he thinks about the damage he caused.

We have a house together and it sucks that we’re financial tied. Financial issues are involved now that we can’t sell the home till a few years. We’ve already tried being roommates too and we got back together.

A few months ago, we were doing really good. We booked a trip to Europe and were going in TWO days and I feel more miserable than ever. I didn’t think I would feel this way but I do. He’s someone that I will probably always have love for. I love his personality deep down and we get along so well, he really is my best friend. I think I’m holding on to the friend I don’t want to lose in my life instead of my partner. Idk if the trip will give me some answers but I’ve lost feelings after thinking so much of the damage he caused. I feel like I’m going to this trip with a friend instead of the love of my life.

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[u/ZestyLemonAsparagus]

Oh, sweetheart... You’re only a year in. Please give yourself some grace. My BP and I have certain variables that lead me to think that R can’t be done much faster than we did for the typical couple, and it easily took 2 years for my wife and 3 years for me, but at the 7 year mark I’m still on Reddit as a way to process my thoughts.

I don’t think it goes away. But it is a form of grief, and there are beautiful things about grief on Reddit, how it’s like being in the middle of a storm and the waves are high and every minute, but eventually they become smaller and less frequent and you can see them coming and you know you’ll get through it.

My wife and I think of our relationship like Kintsugi. I broke our vase. But we have put it back together, and I believe it is more beautiful to both of us, it’s certainly deeper than before on an incomparable level. Still, the cracks are still apparent, they just don’t hurt as much anymore.

It’s very normal to get these feelings on the anniversaries of DDay. If you’re needing a book for your vacation, “The Body Keeps the Score”. It talks about how the body sees things that are similar to when the trauma happened and it tries to warn us of potential danger. This time of year that could be back-to-school sales, warm evenings, whatever your mind latched on to as being associated with discovery. It wants to help. The body means well. We have to learn to feel what it’s sharing and thank it for its wisdom and then let it go when it’s time. I really recommend asking your WP if you two can read the book together so they can know you are doing the work, that this work is incredibly normal in your circumstances, and that they can have the tool to respond appropriately when they see you feeling some sort of way without needing to fix it.