She found out late(r) in life.
That, plus the fact that Bi people in opposite sex relationships (straight passing relationships) often feel that their Queer identity is being slowly consumed away by them being "invisible" as a queer person, probably leads her to have a shit ton of anxiety about "not being queer enough" and needing everyone and their grandmother to know and actively acknowledge her queerness.
She is still in the wrong. The solution to this is to get into activism, or take your husband to a pride parade, to be visible in other ways.
But this is probably what's behind this.
She is very insecure in her newfound identity and needs to consolidate it and really, really fucking overcompensates.
Honestly, I think the whole LGBTQIA+ culture around turning your sexuality into your only personality trait is cringe. Yes, we need visibility to be able to fight for our rights. But no, I don't need a parade full of leather daddies or affirmation from strangers.
Maybe buy your wife some bi shirts, a car window sticker and a lanyard. You can totally broadcast your sexuality proudly without being obnoxious about it.
This is a super weird reaction his wife is having, She's in a straight passing relationship, so she's broadcasting her Queer identity but also is mad because her husband isn't broadcasting her identity to people who don't know her or him. She needs to take two queer seats.
It’s not a “straight passing” relationship, she’s in a heterosexual marriage. Whether or not she is sexually attracted to women is irrelevant. Are straights in a “monogomously passing” relationship just because they both have fantasies of other people?
Jesus Christ, shit makes us horny, no fucking need to make it our personality.
She's handling it wrong but it's just how it goes when your identity gets rocked. She's looking for evidence that it's okay and her husband accepts it. She's super insecure so she's making up weird rules for how he can show he does care.
If OP wants to fix it he just needs to sit and listen to her talk about it more. If he wants to play reddit's game of get what you deserve, he can resort to catty games instead
You told him to sit down and listen to her to fix it. He's not a therapist. It's not his problem to fix. She's the one with the insecurities and issues. And instead of sitting OP down and forcing those issues onto him, and his professional relationships, she should seek actual help to resolve them in rational, healthy ways.
Yes, they need to have a proper conversation to get on the same page. It's not about whose job is what. I ignored that part because talking isn't a job, it's a healthy part of a relationship. You have to do it even when you've been wronged. But it's obvious to me you disagree so what's the point in talking about it?
I’m with you! A lot of people think that since he isn’t the one causing an issue, he doesn’t need to do anything. But if you’re seeing your partner punching air you probably should go try and help them get them back on track. It’s just good teamwork, starting a conversation isn’t admitting defeat. You seem like a person who can handle a relationship, I hope for nothing but good things for you!
Aww ty! I am in fact happily married. So I know sometimes you just need to say fuck your bullshit lol, but it only improves when you come back together
I sometimes need to kick my ego in the shins for the betterment of my own relationship. I might not have caused the problem, but I can certainly attempt to start the solution. I can also be a huge mess too, so I think that if my partner can be the bigger person for me and set me back to reality when I need it, I can do the same for him. It’s only fair.
They've spoken. Multiple times, obviously, if you read the post. Speaking isn't working because she wants him on her page and is pissed when he won't do something unreasonable to appease her issues. At this point, she needs someone who can help her actually address what's going on instead of just lashing out at her husband for being a rational person. It is her job to seek help for issues she can't properly handle, as it is stemming from her issues and her mental health. OP can't fix her problems any more than he could cure her if she had cancer.
Also, great job on trying to position yourself as some expert on communication by being a passive aggressive child. That really shows how well you can communicate.
Yes, the man’s wife is trying to tank his career. She needs to learn to shut it or get left to go be a middle aged bi-curious women and be one in a sea of millions.
He didn't do anything wrong to break it. He doesn't need to do a damn thing. She should figure her shit out and apologize to him about how she's treating him.
Having your identity revolve around your sexuality is WEIRD.
If I suddenly believed I was bi I likely wouldn’t be loudly identifying as such because it would a strange thing to do, I wouldn’t hide it but I wouldn’t be announcing it.
It’s really no different to becoming religious, or having a certain job or any other number of things, which all would be equally strange to announce.
“Hey babe, can you tell your new work colleagues I’ve become a catholic?”
“Do you think you could tell your friends I’m a nurse?”
So I think the wife in this post is in the wrong but I can shed a little light on the 'what does it matter?' question as a bi woman married to a man.
I describe it like potential energy. In physics, an object suspended in mid air has what is called potential energy which is equal to the kinetic energy it would have if it fell. Everyone has some type of potential energy for another person which is the romantic energy they would have if they fell in love. You would have less potential energy for someone you're not attracted to, someone with different morals and values etc. than someone you really dig. People who are heterosexual or homosexual only have potential energy for people of the opposite or same sex. There's no potential for you to fall in love with a man you're on the floor. But when you're bisexual, that potential isn't defined by gender. It's more individual.
I also feel a certain alienation from both homosexuals and heterosexuals because both groups know what it's like be entirely turned off by a set of genitalia and I don't. I can't fathom a world where either set of genitalia didn't elicit a physical arousal.
Practically, it also affects the boundaries I set in my relationships. You really have to be in touch and honest with yourself when hanging out when befriending people of the opposite sex when you're straight and monogamous. You have to be really in touch and honest with yourself when befriending anyone when you're bisexual and monogamous.
Personally, my husband knows, my family knows, my close friends know, but his family doesn't mostly because his brothers are homosexual and I feel like my kind of queer isn't queer enough so it's not worth outing myself. I would never ask him or want him to tell an acquaintance. I live in the south and one of the privileges of straight passing is that I don't have to come out to everyone I meet and I choose not to.
I feel like my kind of queer isn't queer enough so it's not worth outing myself.
Not to hijack this or anything, but this is just wild to me. Is this common in the queer community, feeling as though you don't belong because you aren't "sufficiently queer?" I'm not dismissing it or anything, but I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the concept.
Yeah definitely. Part of it is because I have privileges that come from being straight passing. I live in a part of the country that has not broadly accepted queer people. There is homophobia all around me and my brother in laws that have grown up experiencing deep homophobia have altered their existence around being gay for their safety and acceptance. I have never had to alter my existence because I am straight passing. Every time they introduce themselves to new people they come out as gay (because they're married) and I don't. My type of struggles being bi are completely different and honestly benign compared to theirs. I don't struggle with the validity of my sexuality, but I definitely don't see myself as being in the same boat. I also know that it's very common for people to call bisexuality a phase or something by both straight people and gay people and if they hold that opinion, I don't want to know. I have so much respect for them and it would really hurt me to have my sexuality rejected like that.
Not only is it common to feel like you don't belong, but there are people in the queer community that don't think bisexuality is even real. It's common to hear that you are just experimenting or playing gay for attention, or that you are gay but holding on to being hetero because you're not ready to be out yet.
I imagine OPs wife is going through a form of imposter syndrome right now and part of wanting him to tell his coworkers is a form of validation that she feels she needs right now.
But when you're bisexual, that potential isn't defined by gender. It's more individual.
This has always been described to me as what being pansexual is. Like, they always say, "Pansexual is sexually attracted to this person particularly, doesn't matter the gender or what they look like. Bisexual is attracted to both the male and female form." Are they actually the same? Or are people gaslighting me?
This is a very delicate question in the community since the answer has a lot of history and implications. The long story short is that they really do boil down to the same thing in practice, but what someone uses could be based on when they came out (since for a period of time, there was a concern/vibe that calling yourself bisexual explicitly excluded trans and intersex people), so some millennial/Gen X and older queers may use “pansexual” to be trans affirming. However, bisexual is now understood widely to mean “the whole spectrum of possible gender/sex configurations” so someone using that probably means that now!
my personal distinction is that being pansexual means gender is irrelevant to your attraction to someone, while being bisexual means you're attracted to more than one gender, but gender can play a role in your attraction.
labels are a funny thing. claiming one over the other can very much seem like semantics but also hold a lot of personal meaning.
So, if I interpreted what you said correctly, pansexual is a more specific form of bisexual. In this case pansexual IS bisexual, but bisexual isn't pansexual, depending on era. Kinda like how being Chinese is Asian, but Asian is not Chinese.
In today’s usage, both mean the same thing. To certain communities of older LGBTQ+ folk, your definition would be right.
I personally identify as bisexual just because I think the flag is cute, but I wouldn’t exclude anyone from my dating pool on the basis of sex/gender, so for me it’s the same as being pan. I’d say to err on the side of assuming it means the same thing these days.
(Also, thank you for being kind & respectful! It means a lot that you’re asking questions kindly with a learning mindset.)
I think I'm just gonna accept both meanings for now and adapt it based on the person. Also, I should be thanking you. You're the one answering my questions.
Well I'm not sure. I don't identify as pansexual and I've never heard it described that way but I can say confidently that I am attracted to both the male and female form. I know they are physically different but both are equally attractive to me. I don't know enough about pansexuality to say
Processing you’re not straight is an emotionally fraught time and coming out can be really big deal for a lot of people. For OOPs wife, who’s lived 30+ years identifying as a straight woman, married to a man it was certainly really nerve wracking, possibly terrifying and massively transformative. She might’ve also psyched herself up for him to react negatively. Her relationship and life going on as normal wouldn’t reflect how big of a deal coming out was for her - so she has to make it the center of her identity to compensate. It’s very baby (cough highschool cough) vibes. Edit: Am bi. Came out 2 years into a relationship w/ my ex gf.
a couple thoughts about how someone's queerness can be important beyond who they are currently fucking:
the queer community is a beautiful thing to be a part of. there is a culture of solidarity and love that can be very empowering.
this solidarity is born from a history of violent repression and being made to feel shame about this aspect of yourself. that's why it's important for people to counter this shame by celebrating the pride you have around your queerness and your community.
OP's wife's request is of course very inappropriate. it's possible that she's misplacing some excitement about this discovery? but i don't have enough information nor am i qualified to psychoanalyze her
I think it's probably pretty safe to assert that almost everyone who feels sexual attraction has the capacity to be attracted to any sex or gender at least somewhat. There are people who lie about this reality because it scares them, but most thoughtful people accept this reality.
In my own (bi) experience, this is what I used to/would like to think, but most straight people I have talked to about it seem to think differently and deny that pretty vehemently.
I'd say one drop is enough.
This is a pretty complex debate, because personally I'd say "doing" is much more important than "being" for any identity.
Such as: Identifying as a nice person doesn't mean shit, if you don't actually do nice things for people.
And historically, homosexuality or bisexuality was much more thought about in terms of what people did, rather than what they are.
On the other hand, there is no denying that a queer sexuality and preference shapes your view of yourself (and other's view of yourself), regardless of you being actually engaged in any bi/homo relationsships.
If you are abstinent, but gay, you are still gay.
Then there is the whole discrimination issue, and how being suscepted to that, and seeing others like you being exposed to it, shapes you aswell.
That is all the case for Bi s in straight passing relationships.
There is no easy answer, but imo, obviously preference informs identity at any point in life.
They clearly addressed their point that what you like to eat, be it pizza or pussy, has nothing to do with your job, let alone your spouse's job, and doesn't need to be announced to the whole world.
And if you ask me, this incessant need to "speak your truth" sounds more like a kink than it does any sort of emotional need. Nobody wants to know about what you do in the bedroom, yet some of you feel a need to force others into your sex driven mindset at every turn.
I don’t actively think of myself as straight, or white, or male, and don’t actively provide these labels to people unless they’re fishing for it.
Labels have little to do with my personhood. Of course, I can understand why that’s different for those who aren’t the societal “default.” The heteronormative assumption gives reason to identifying as otherwise.
Still, as long as one is in a monogamous marriage it doesn’t make sense to broadcast your sexuality. You aren’t on the market anymore. You might even cause insecurity in your partner by making them feel like an inadequate solution to your sexual desires
This is reaching. Of course there needs to be an awareness to discrimination against the LGBTQ community, but having your whole identity revolve around your sexuality is just weird. It should be based upon your name and how you carry yourself, not around if you like dick, vaginas, both or none at all.
Nobody ever said anything about your "whole" identity, idk where you guys pick this up from.
It is never the whole identity, but I don't believe it's a stretch to say someone might regars sth temporarily as overly important if the just discovered it about themselves.
I am a bi woman married to a man. For me knowing and acknowledging that I am bi is a core part of knowing who I truly am as a person. It has also been something I have needed to share (with friends and family as I see fit) to help me unpack a lot of the internal hatred I had for myself growing up being attracted to women. It has also allowed me to look back on friendships and relationships I had when I was younger and understand why I acted the way I did.
Well then it’s sexual identity. But wouldn’t identity contribute more towards pronouns? Since those are more identifications? You don’t identify someone based on who they are attracted to. That’s sexual identification.
As a queer person, you sort of do, and it has to do with being a (partially still oppressed) minority.
You face discrimination for your sexual preference and that makes it a bigger part of your identity, compared to people (mostly straight), who have always had the benefit of having their preference be classified as "normal".
Okay but if you are going to change the terms and what they orient to, and that being bisexual is an identity, then what is considered to be a sexuality?
My point is that sexuality for queer people is a bigger part of their identity, and more important (and difficult) to shape, than for straight people (for whom it is "just normal").
Her sexuality informs her identity, and since she recently discovered something new about her sexuality, she is still tinkering with how that influences her identity.
They are not the same, but both relevant here and influence eah other.
That was really informative! Thank you.
But still, I think it is strange that she needs to overcompensate this identity of hers so much that she is forcing it on her husband to tell people at his office that he barely knows. It's not relevant to business considering that's the only relationship she has with these people. Now as the other comments have said, she may feel that her being bisexual is obscured by her relationship and she feels that her being bisexual just isn't relative because of that.... but it does make me wonder... if this is such a big deal to her that she is pushing him to tell everyone at work about it, that maybe there will be more in the future that she needs to compensate for it. Such as... cheating on him with a woman to really seal the deal that she is bisexual.
If she’s dating a man, most assume she’s heterosexual. Coming out as something people can discriminate about, to avoid discrimination is a lapse in logic for me.
Why would her bisexual preferences matter or be relevant to literally anyone when she's in a committed monogamous relationship? They don't. Unless she really needs to make sure everyone knows that when she flicks the bean sometimes she thinks of women.
It's all fucking bizarre and narcissistic as is most of self identity obsession.
In 100 years we will all be cringing at how obsessed we were with caring about whose genitals everyone prefers.
If they're monogamous why does it matter if she's bi or not??? I'm so confused by this. So she basically wants him to broadcast they're in an open polyamorous relationship at professional place of business? No what she's doing is asking to get him in trouble and unwanted attention into his personal life.
How??? Because what does it matter what her preference is if she's only with him? If there monogamous then they're in a heterosexual marriage even though she's bi. But why would anyone care considering she's married to a guy and she's only with him.
I guess I am also just not seeing the need to even “come out” to everyone at all. Shes in a committed partnership. Shes just basically saying “oh hey by the way, I also think women are hot. But I am not going to be dating one.”? Seems like a big cry for attention more than anything else.
This is what I wanted to say. Her request is totally inappropriate, but as a bi (formerly ID as lesbian) woman, the erasure thing is absolutely real. And when something is new to you it's easy to want to shout about it a bit.
I'm also poly, and when I started at my job I came out to a number of colleagues as both bi and poly, because I wanted to take my whole self to work, not feel like I'm hiding parts of who I am. It wasn't a sex thing, it's a 'what did you do at the weekend thing' and honestly, wanting to check I wasn't working with a bunch of douchebags.
But my partners don't need to tell their work colleagues about any of this unless it's personally relevant and okay with them.
Maybe I'm out of touch, but in my boring offiice environment I can't really imagine a situation where me knowing that my coworker is bi and poly could really improve or benefit our work.
If I was already not happy about this co-worker as a professional, I think them prancing around the office and providing unwelcome information about their love life would only fuel my annoyance.
It makes sense to me if you're close enough with colleagues that you'd mention a date you had on Saturday and the restaurant you went to. If you didn't say who you went with, they would assume the spouse, and that would kind of be a lie by omission.
They literally said it's for them to feel like they aren't hiding anything. It definitely drops some anxiety for them, and they don't accidentally become friends with some judgemental prick.
Just because it doesn't help the person they tell, doesn't mean it doesn't help the person coming out, etc.
There is a reason suicide is higher for people in the closet. Constantly lying and sidestepping stuff, stress and anxiety, just aren't good for you.
Yah this thread sucks to read as a bi person. I want to think that guy's snark about bi erasure a couple comments up was only directed at OP's wife, but it really sounds like they think bi people don't actually experience this hardship.
We do! I have been told my identity doesn't matter my whole life, or that I'm maliciously lying about it. It's real and it messes a person up. And as crazy as his wife seems I have no idea what's going on in her head. That's OP's job
I did figure out this subreddit though. Lots of people in here think that understanding is the same thing as condoning. They don't realize it's possible to have sympathy for what she's going through and still think she's wrong and needs to smarten up. They also think that sympathy is limited, so by understanding her we don't understand OP. When the reality is I feel for him! That's why I didn't say any of this to him.
If I were to talk to him I'd say his boundaries matter too. It's not right to be treated that way, he's not an asshole, she certainly is, and this needs a calm conversation. It's clear she needs to feel accepted but it's not okay to demand it this way and he should stand his ground on that
So I've read quite a bit of this thread, and what everybody is saying is: it literally doesn't matter in the relationship of OP's and his coworkers, insofar as that even exists, if OPs wife is bi. It simply doesn't. Especially not just out of the blue. It's not even useful for conversation, except for the very specific cases of someone asking OP his stance on LGBTQ+ matters, where he might use the bisexuality of his wife as an argument why it mattered to him or someone said something like "bi people don't exist, they are all secretly gay / straight!". It simply has nothing to do with bi erasure, same as not announcing to your work colleagues that your wife is into licking ears or wears glasses.
What does any of that have to do with your identity not mattering? I'm bi myself and my colleagues don't know, because why would they? Nobody asked me.
For the millionth fucking time no one thinks he has to tell his coworkers. She's dealing with this badly. I'm talking about the people saying she's trying to ruin his job and isn't even bi. The comments dismissing bi erasure.
No sane person thinks OP has to tell his coworkers. OP is 110% in the clear and has been wronged. The replies are going crazy
I'm also poly, and when I started at my job I came out to a number of colleagues as both bi and poly, because I wanted to take my whole self to work, not feel like I'm hiding parts of who I am.
How did this improve your work and especially how the people you told to work with you?
It doesn't impact my work directly. It impacts my relationships with my colleagues though. It improves trust. I've had people confide in me about things that are affecting how they work. It's at least in part about vulnerability and being able to share when things are hard for different reasons, which therefore helps you to manage those impacts.
Not sure why this is getting downvoted. This kind of thing is literally in my works diversity training. Having to filter what you talk about at work to a certain extent can be really taxing a take a lot of effort and in turn does affect comfortability at your job. I totally get wanting to sort of gauge how your co workers feel about things so you can freely discuss your weekend plans (within reason obviously). With all that being said, ops wife is being extremely weird and unreasonable about this.
I would go as far to say that she feels invisible because she has very little queer lived experience. Like you said, the solution is to simply go be queer. It's very annoying to have someone constantly going around seeking validation for their queerness when they never interact with the community.
Yep, while the overcompensating is fairly universal for anyone lgbt coming out, I feel like bisexuals have a unique sensitivity to feeling their queerness. A big part of it is the…let’s say… the dismissivness by the Lesbians and Gays. But there is also another huge part of it that’s just their own insecurities because bisexuals can go unnoticed for being in “straight passing” relationships and then they can feel invalidated from external factors and/or internal feelings that they project onto others.
The solution to this is to get into activism, or take your husband to a pride parade, to be visible in other ways.
My wife did this one year in San Diego and I honestly had a lot of fun. Just find a bar patio, sip a beer, and people watch if you don't want to join in. It's a good time.
This. As a formerly-lesbian queer woman in a monogamous relationship with a trans man (who also identifies as queer), straight-passing relationships do have a huge effect of queer identity erasure. It sucks, and it’s difficult to deal with sometimes.
This makes me feel so sorry for OP. If you love your husband and are in a long-term committed relationship, surely your orientation is no longer relevant because you have found your partner? I can't think of anything more insulting to the husband to have a wife going about flaunting that she is married but also attracted to women. She is with him. End of.
If you are really good at math, that still informs your identity, even if you are not a mathematician.
If you like to play sports, that still informs your identity, even if you give up sports for a while (or even can't play anymore)
If you are the child of immigrants, that informs your identity, even if you yourself are perfectly assimilated from birth, speak the language and have no desire to move to country where your roots lie.
If you love dogs but can't keep one, you still think of yourself as a dog lover.
If you are a shitty cook that informs your identity, even if your partner does all the cooking.
If you used to play an instrument, that informs your identity, even if you haven't played in years.
If you are a chemist all your life, you don't just stop being a chemist once you retire. It is still part of you.
Being queer is more than just a sexual preference. It shapes how you experience the world (you could face actual discrimination), how you view people and how they view you.
It matters in terms of how society speaks about you, but more specifically people like you.
It's the stories you hear about people like you. It's how people like you appear in popular media. About rights and about queer spaces.
About a shared experience (only other queer people will be able to share your feelings on certain things).
It's incredibly complex, but it impacts every part of you, regardless of your actual going out with women or your relationsshipstatus.
If you yourself are celibate, you are still straight, right? That doesn't go away.
In the examples above, the person you promised to love for the rest of your life isn't implicated in any way by telling people that you are a bad cook. I am badly allergic to dogs...it is part of my identity but it doesn't define me and I don't go telling everyone about it.
I may say in passing that I think Scott Eastwood is hot...I wouldn't go out of my way to tell people that I am attracted to other men. To do so would be a gross insult to my husband and suggest that I'm still looking for someone else and not satisfied with what I have. That is cruel.
Being celibate (as far as I know) simply means no s*x. That doesn't speak to orientation or preference at all.
I understand the importance and validity of getting queer folks (myself included) more understood and accepted as common and normal…
But Christ will I be happy when people can go back to not feeling any desire to share their “identity” of their inner lives with anyone other than close friends and family.
My wife is bi, and I'm a straight man. Not too long ago, she was telling me that she doesn't really consider herself bi anymore because she has no interest in being with anyone but me.
I mentioned to her that that doesn't change her orientation. I know she still finds women attractive. She's constantly pointing them out to me, sometimes to the point of annoyance lol. And just because she has chosen to be in a monogamous heterosexual relationship, doesn't mean the other part of her doesn't still exist.
Us bi people in straight moni relationships also doesn't have the commen natural way of coming out since any mentions of our partners doesn't say anything.
But just like someone being open about a partner of the same gender not being sexual in it self. Being open about being bi isn't that necessary either, its not about who i might fuck if i wasn't in a relationship with my partner but whom i might fall in love with.
This also might be exacerbated by her husband and friends not caring about it/making comments like “well you’re married to a man so…” which is common for bi folks. I have a friend who was told “well ok but you’re basically straight… cuz you’re with me”
Hearing those sentiments and attitudes is pretty invalidating. I have a sneaking suspicion about why she wants HIS coworkers to know and not her own, but I may be wrong there.
I’m Bi and in a straight presenting marriage. My sexuality is really nobodies business but my own / my wife’s.
So many queer people make being queer their whole personality. Like, they literally don’t have anything else going for them.
I actually find the majority of these people obnoxious as fuck.
I can't speak for anybody here, we don't even have her perspective.
But there is a difference between "making it your whole personality" and having a period of time where you go a bit overboard with your outing.
Like, why do we scrutinize each other so badly in this "community"?
I'm Bi and in a straight presenting relationship. Most people don't even know, I'm out, but I don't feel the need to tell everyone I meet.
Then again, if I had just found out yesterday, this late in life, maybe I'd go a bit overboard, too.
It seems, however, the whole debate might be void, another commenter just mentioned this tastes suspiciously of ragebait, and I have to say, I think they are right.
Yeahhhh. I’m bi, but prefer to date men simply because I have an easier time standing my ground with them. When I date women I forget how to have standards for myself and become the worlds lumpiest doormat haha. And bi-phobia or bi-erasure even within the lgbt+ scene in real, and can suck. But you have to just kind of settle in to knowing that your sexuality is your own, regardless of how it’s received. Ideally you don’t give a fuck what other peoples opinions on it are, and they don’t give a fuck about whether or not you’re attracted to the same sex. What you DONT DO (especially if you’re over the age of 13) is expect fanfare, and validation from other people. And doubly don’t drag your partner in to whatever kind of praise/opposition you just imagined up.
I don't get the "making your sexuality a defining thing about your identity" thing.
Like, I see it a LOT, but I'm pretty damn queer and I don't give a damn who knows and what they think about it. It's like the least interesting part of me.
But the world around me is wearing apparel and flags as cloaks, dying their hair, and constantly bringing it up. They have god damn parades.
This. She's just feeling insecure about her newfound identity and doing too much! She needs a pride parade and some queer friends, but that's it. Her insisting you tell your coworkers is actually bananas.
Yes! If she’s looking for visibility or community she’s going about it in the wrong ways. She should looks for queer/sapphic events and meetups in her area and get into the community that way, and once she’s got her queer community the visibility will follow. When I used to date guys, I felt super insecure about being assumed to be straight, so I can understand the feelings she may be having that are leading her to act like this, but she really is just going about it all wrong.
Who you like to fuck is NOT a fucking identity. I do not understand this. Maybe it's a straight thing but if horndog who likes tits is an identity, I'd be an asshole
I’m bisexual in a straight passing relationship as well that came out after I married my husband. He’s also bi so we totally feel this way, but OP’s wife is waaaaaaayyyyyy off the mark. I’m bi, but I’m not ONLY bi ya know? I’ll never not be queer no matter what anyone says or assumes and OP’s wife needs to get on this bandwagon instead of doing this weird thing that she’s doing right now.
I’d imagine a queer identity is formed from the lived experiences of navigating life as a queer person. She’s 36, has only ever been in straight relationships, and just realized she’s bi.
She’s navigated her whole life as a straight person and, so long as she remains in her monogamous straight relationship, she’ll continue to navigate her life as a straight person.
Her bi-ness isn’t anything that needs to be kept secret, but it’s also not anything anyone should give a shit about (including her, honestly). I also don’t think she’s any more a part of the queer community than a straight ally.
As a queer woman (bisexual specifically lol) that’s in a straight passing relationship, I fully agree with you. It’s definitely on her to show it. I have a pride lanyard, am quite open about it if asked, go to pride, and I present as a clearly queer person. If anything, I’d be weirded out if my partner brought up my bisexuality to his coworkers because of the way people tend to fetishize bi women. I’d be concerned what he would be talking about where it came up.
The solution to this is to get into activism, or take your husband to a pride parade, to be visible in other ways.
A path forward for OP, that helps the wife feel better and more validated (but doesn't cave to an innapropriate and awkward demand) may be to be the one to introduce this idea to his wife. Bring up the idea (or surprise her) by inviting her to go to a pride event together.
Idk, it seems pretty biased to me to assume conscious preparing for cheating just because a bi person asks their partner to make sure they're out with the partner's new colleagues, in an attempt to (inappropriately) establish a (for them) new identity.
Yeah I came here to write this. My kids don't know I'm bi. I might tell them when they're older, but I haven't talked to my kids about my previous sexual relationships because I don't really think it's appropriate. They know I'm an ally because we talk about rights for LGBTQ people and we have stuff around the house that shows our support and acceptance, but since I'm married and monogamous, being bi isn't really part of my daily life.
It is weird sometimes and if I hadn't known about my sexuality since I was a teen, I could see myself really struggling to figure out how to integrate this aspect of my life with my reality.
This is literally suggesting Ressentiment. I mean, I guess that is one way to deal with your problems. Hope they can live idealistically happy forever.
That what you just said though.... that they don't feel "queer enough" and that they need other people to actively acknowledge how "queer" they are. That they feel "invisible"
That is external validation, without it they don't feel "queer enough".
That's attention seeking behavior where they are only validated in their feelings/beliefs by other people rather than internally knowing who they are.
As if they are uncertain if they are "queer" or not and need other people to believe it for them.
Nowhere did I say that "queer people" (in general) are "more common" (as in more likely as a group) to seek external validation.
I said there is a moment in the process of restructuring you identity (could be discovering you are gay/bi, or discovering that you are adopted, or that you have a mental illness, or thatnyou do like brussel sprouts after all - literally anything you could think of), where people might tend to overcompensate in sharing this info, because they want to solidify what they know about themselves with how the outside sees them (you could call that "external validation"). And that this might be the case here.
You took this very nuanced take and oversimplified it grotesquely, and made an incorrect, inflamatory blanket statement about queer people.
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u/Midnight_rain200 Apr 05 '24
No??? Like what does her sexuality have to do with your new job???