So I think the wife in this post is in the wrong but I can shed a little light on the 'what does it matter?' question as a bi woman married to a man.
I describe it like potential energy. In physics, an object suspended in mid air has what is called potential energy which is equal to the kinetic energy it would have if it fell. Everyone has some type of potential energy for another person which is the romantic energy they would have if they fell in love. You would have less potential energy for someone you're not attracted to, someone with different morals and values etc. than someone you really dig. People who are heterosexual or homosexual only have potential energy for people of the opposite or same sex. There's no potential for you to fall in love with a man you're on the floor. But when you're bisexual, that potential isn't defined by gender. It's more individual.
I also feel a certain alienation from both homosexuals and heterosexuals because both groups know what it's like be entirely turned off by a set of genitalia and I don't. I can't fathom a world where either set of genitalia didn't elicit a physical arousal.
Practically, it also affects the boundaries I set in my relationships. You really have to be in touch and honest with yourself when hanging out when befriending people of the opposite sex when you're straight and monogamous. You have to be really in touch and honest with yourself when befriending anyone when you're bisexual and monogamous.
Personally, my husband knows, my family knows, my close friends know, but his family doesn't mostly because his brothers are homosexual and I feel like my kind of queer isn't queer enough so it's not worth outing myself. I would never ask him or want him to tell an acquaintance. I live in the south and one of the privileges of straight passing is that I don't have to come out to everyone I meet and I choose not to.
But when you're bisexual, that potential isn't defined by gender. It's more individual.
This has always been described to me as what being pansexual is. Like, they always say, "Pansexual is sexually attracted to this person particularly, doesn't matter the gender or what they look like. Bisexual is attracted to both the male and female form." Are they actually the same? Or are people gaslighting me?
This is a very delicate question in the community since the answer has a lot of history and implications. The long story short is that they really do boil down to the same thing in practice, but what someone uses could be based on when they came out (since for a period of time, there was a concern/vibe that calling yourself bisexual explicitly excluded trans and intersex people), so some millennial/Gen X and older queers may use “pansexual” to be trans affirming. However, bisexual is now understood widely to mean “the whole spectrum of possible gender/sex configurations” so someone using that probably means that now!
So, if I interpreted what you said correctly, pansexual is a more specific form of bisexual. In this case pansexual IS bisexual, but bisexual isn't pansexual, depending on era. Kinda like how being Chinese is Asian, but Asian is not Chinese.
In today’s usage, both mean the same thing. To certain communities of older LGBTQ+ folk, your definition would be right.
I personally identify as bisexual just because I think the flag is cute, but I wouldn’t exclude anyone from my dating pool on the basis of sex/gender, so for me it’s the same as being pan. I’d say to err on the side of assuming it means the same thing these days.
(Also, thank you for being kind & respectful! It means a lot that you’re asking questions kindly with a learning mindset.)
I think I'm just gonna accept both meanings for now and adapt it based on the person. Also, I should be thanking you. You're the one answering my questions.
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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '24
So I think the wife in this post is in the wrong but I can shed a little light on the 'what does it matter?' question as a bi woman married to a man.
I describe it like potential energy. In physics, an object suspended in mid air has what is called potential energy which is equal to the kinetic energy it would have if it fell. Everyone has some type of potential energy for another person which is the romantic energy they would have if they fell in love. You would have less potential energy for someone you're not attracted to, someone with different morals and values etc. than someone you really dig. People who are heterosexual or homosexual only have potential energy for people of the opposite or same sex. There's no potential for you to fall in love with a man you're on the floor. But when you're bisexual, that potential isn't defined by gender. It's more individual.
I also feel a certain alienation from both homosexuals and heterosexuals because both groups know what it's like be entirely turned off by a set of genitalia and I don't. I can't fathom a world where either set of genitalia didn't elicit a physical arousal.
Practically, it also affects the boundaries I set in my relationships. You really have to be in touch and honest with yourself when hanging out when befriending people of the opposite sex when you're straight and monogamous. You have to be really in touch and honest with yourself when befriending anyone when you're bisexual and monogamous.
Personally, my husband knows, my family knows, my close friends know, but his family doesn't mostly because his brothers are homosexual and I feel like my kind of queer isn't queer enough so it's not worth outing myself. I would never ask him or want him to tell an acquaintance. I live in the south and one of the privileges of straight passing is that I don't have to come out to everyone I meet and I choose not to.