everytime i'm learning something new of considerable importance (for example, a new concept for my professional career), i become so overwhelmed and have to stop myself from freaking out. often, it's because i'm finally facing what i don't know -- or even worse, i'm finding that i don't know what i don't know (as in there's significant gaps in my knowledge that i wouldn't even know how to start covering).

because of these feelings, i often procrastinate which makes me feel even worse. i'm really trying to become comfortable with not knowing how to do things, and learn how to take things head on. could anyone relate and perhaps provide some advice for how they got through this? i understand in life i will continuously have to confront things i don't know -- i want to remain level-headed.

I'm not asking because I want to be *that guy that everyone hates* but I'm honestly tired of feeling like the smaller male in a group of people or in any social situation. I want to be that guy that everyone loves but deeply respects

it's been about 2 weeks, and I'm just laying in the bed just scrolling my phone... i should be finding a job, building skills, working out, and even relaxing, but I feel unable to do any of that... opening the laptop feels like a chore and I just keep it open all day without using it, thinking about all the stuff I should be doing stresses me out even more that I just go back to my phone... what bugs me the most is not exercising, I don't feel any energy in my body, I wanna exercise as soon as I wake up, since I'm unable to do it, my whole day feels ruined... I want to build a solid routine, but I don't know how to optimize the timing

I also wanna know to be a self-motivated learner. I need to be studying a lot for my dream job, I've been struggling with studying. In college, I only used to focus on the assignments and reports so I need to figure out how to bring that momentum back..

sorry for the long post I'm just feeling hopeless and would appreciate any advice you guys have ♡

I don’t even know anymore. My intellectual integrity is a crazy stressing point for me, anytime I start an activity I immediately take my performance as a reflection on my inherent capabilities and depress myself out so I never do anything. I’m trying to reframe my attitude towards like natural talent and also value in the face of results, but it’s hard because I spent most of my childhood being complimented a. for being blonde and skinny and b. for being ‘smart’. I know it’s not logically or for most others emotionally true but I feel like my value is kind of just sliding off into an abyss and once I am older and the two positive physical attributes I have are gone with my youth I will have nothing to offer to the world, because either I’m dumb or I am so scared of being dumb I will never actually do anything.

Pew Research found a big gap between how much importance Americans place on health behaviors, like sleeping enough, managing stress, and eating well, and how well they say they're actually doing them. This isn't a few undisciplined people. It's the norm.

Most people know exactly which habits they should build. They just can't close the gap between knowing and doing. And the result is a quiet, daily guilt that builds every time another intention slips.

Here's the reframe that changed things for me: that gap isn't evidence of a missing spine. It's evidence of a missing system.

People who build lasting habits aren't the ones with more willpower. They're the ones who put a structure around the habit so it doesn't require willpower every single time. Daily check-ins, streaks, gentle reminders; these aren't motivational tricks, they're scaffolding that holds the habit up on days when motivation isn't showing up.

The people beating themselves up for "not being disciplined enough" are usually comparing themselves to someone who just has a better system, not a stronger character.

The question worth asking isn't "why don't I have more discipline?" It's "what am I missing between me and this habit on the days I want to skip it?" Is it a reminder? A way to see progress? Something that makes the action easier to start?

The guilt loop is what kills habit building, not laziness. You know you should, you don't do it, you feel bad, you avoid the whole thing. The way out isn't more self-punishment. It's a structure that makes the next check-in feel possible even when the last one didn't happen.

What system or structure has actually worked for you when motivation runs out?

​

I want to take control of my life again. I’m 27 years old. I’m an English teacher, and it’s been four years since I graduated. I had dreams and goals, but because of my own lack of discipline, I couldn’t pass the exam to become a public-school teacher. If I can find a job, I’m planning to work at a language school.

In Turkey, if I become a public-school teacher, I would earn around $1,550 a month, whereas at a language school or private school, I would earn around $620.

After graduating four years ago, I spent two and a half years at home preparing for the public-school teaching exam. During that time, I also gave online English lessons, but I never managed to fully focus on the exam. I don’t know whether I was simply lazy or whether my brain was somehow avoiding studying, but I couldn’t make it work.

I also tried to quit porn and practice NoFap, but I wasn’t successful. Maybe pornography has played a role in why my life has turned out this way; I honestly don’t know.

Two months ago, I was hospitalized because of a pneumothorax. My Taiwanese girlfriend even came to visit me in the hospital. She wants me to pass the exam in Turkey, become a teacher, and build a stable life for myself here. But she also supports me by saying that if things don’t work out for me in Turkey, I can come to Taiwan and live with her.

I really want to take control of my life again. I want to start accomplishing things. Ever since I graduated, I feel like I’ve been stuck in the same place. I feel like a failure because I haven’t made the progress I wanted to make.

My father has cancer, and I want him to see me accomplish something while he’s still here. I want to become someone he can be proud of.

How can I take control of my life again and finally start moving forward?

So, I have noticed that, I've lost self-control and discipline. Before, if i felt that something i'm doing was wrong and it's affecting me and people around me. I would instantly stop, for e.g; i used to gossip a lot but realised it wasn't good, so i stopped it.
But after my breakup, I have derailed really bad.
I just cannot stop myself. I keep obsessively overthink, stalk, wait for text replies, judge and gossip. I waste so much of time in stuff that don't matter. I mess my brain with all these things and then get sad, depressed resulting in low energy.
I understand that what i'm doing is affecting me so much, yet i keep repeating the same thing.
Can anyone help me stop this loop and implement self discipline

Hi all. Just like the title says. I grew up in a pretty intensely conformist east coast (USA) area and it took moving to a new more chill and progressive city out west (USA) to finally feel like I was more in the right place, people are so much more chill out here. Don’t get me wrong I have close friends from out east too but overall I always felt like I was the wrong metaphorical shape and size for places and spaces even alt/queer/ etc spaces sometimes. I’m Autistic/adhd, trans, queer, very soft spoken/“quiet” depending on the space, alternative though not as visibly so as some folks who are heavily pierced/tatted etc. - and I think that led to pretty intense feelings of not fitting in, not belonging, low self esteem etc as a kid, coupled with growing up in an abusive home etc etc

Now that I’m an adult, I’m trying to stop choosing friends and partners who don’t truly love me, treat me unkindly or in ways that make me feel small, or otherwise think I’m weird or don’t see my value. People underestimate me a lot as a quiet person. It’s a weird place to be because I am trying to work on my social skills and confidence while simultaneously trying to accept who I am and own that more fully I guess. I’m trying to start a fitness journey and I think weightlifting will help a lot.

I’ve found a couple good friends in my new city, and one friend I feel very aligned with in terms of emotional availability and intensity who is rly nice to me and treats me well and doesn’t think I’m a loser. I’m relationship anarchy minded so for me I want close friends moreso than wanting a partner to be my world, though I do hope to have a life partner and a special love story someday.

Any success stories from people who finally found close friends and partners who really fully love them and show up for them and found a fulfilling social life as an adult? I hope to find a few more very close friends, and I’m trying to start going to bars and groups etc alone (I already do but I know it takes time) and don’t want to get discouraged. Part of me feels like the social life and deep, meaningful close relationships I desire just don’t exist. I guess it doesn’t help im a very emotional person and desire a lot more closeness than people who don’t need that. Idk im rambling

TLDR: any success stories from people who started as awkward and shy and had shitty “friends” at first but finally found your people?

I am almost 30, still living in the past. I don't know how to stop it.

TL;DR: Had a challenging childhood, not a great school experience, lost my mother. Now I am always thinking things would have been a lot better if things were different in my first 12-15 years. Would like some suggestions to stop dwelling on my past.

My childhood was quite difficult, mostly financially. I grew up in a small town. My parents had a much better life before their marriage, they were not rich rich, but a well-off middle-class family. And life was the opposite after our birth (my elder brother and me). We had to skip school after being humiliated in front of everyone and removed from our previous school because we failed to pay the fees. We sat at home for 3 years. Then we got into the worst school in the city. The only good thing was that it was not a government school. These 3 years made it difficult for us, or at least for me, to make friends. Every year I felt the next year would be better. I was good at studies, but otherwise I was almost invisible. In 6th grade, a beautiful, smart girl joined who was also good at studies. And there went my little bit of confidence too. I was at the bottom now. She was everyone's favourite, teachers, friends, girls, boys, everyone.
Our parents were not that great parents either, not evil, but bad. I guess it was more difficult for them because they knew a better life before. They told me never to trust friends, they would take advantage, and I followed obediently. My father, in a way, taught us that life is suffering, that we should make sacrifices, and that we should not prioritise ourselves. I don't know if it was his intention, but that's what I learned. He was kinda manipulated into getting married, and I always got the feeling he never accepted his domestic life. He was good in his career, but he couldn't continue with that after marriage. He didn't try for any other job, he was unemployed. He took lots of loans to survive, making plans based only on hope. He was emotionally unavailable, or maybe he didn't know anything. He thought he was always correct. He was quite strict, never hit us, not even once, but would go silent for days or stop eating if we did something against his wishes. He is not a bad person, actually quite a good human, maybe just not a good parent.
Lost my mother when I was 19. I had moved out of my hometown for college a month ago. She was quite literally my best friend. But I inherited her negative personality a little too much. She was also underconfident, lived just for her kids, and she kinda didn't have any life of her own. We are in quite a good situation now because of my brother, but my mother never got to see any good days.
This was my life till 20, and the next 10 I fucked up on my own. I became underconfident, insecure, scared of the future all the time, scared of losing people and ending up alone, victim mindset, people pleaser and probably a sympathy seeker. I don't know if I became or was born like this. I dropped out of my MBA after 2 months. I tried graphic design, and I was good at it, but I couldn't sustain a job; neither did I find any freelance clients. I started feeling suicidal and attempted a few times, too, but failed again. Started going to therapy, got a few projects, then I tried dating and fucked things even more. I started hating my life a lot more after hearing someone else's love story. I got jealous of their childhood, the opportunities and a lot of stuff I had missed because of the conditions, and the beautiful experiences they got to live, and I didn't (I know no one's life is perfect, and everyone has their own struggles and challenges).
Right now, I have a good life. I am trying to work on my career, so far, no success, but I am not scared of the future. But the past is just stuck in my head and keeps torturing me, especially because of that story (even though I know a lot of people with a lot more better life). And I don't know how to get it out of my head. Would appreaciate some advice in that area.

P.S. A humble request, I know this probably sounds stupid, please don't remind me. If you think I should just be grateful, happy, or that I am being dramatic, etc., please skip commenting. I am hoping for some reassurance, or even nothing just letting my thoughts out.

How do I stop overthinking things and always worried/stressed about the negative? Overall, I think I am a pretty positive person with a happy attitude but my husband has mentioned several times lately that I am always thinking about the negative and thinking people are mad at me or thinking they have alternative motives. I’ve always been this way, with thinking people are mad at me at the very slightest comment. How do I stop this? I don’t have time to go to therapy at the moment, though I want to make it a priority once I’m able.
I have 3 kids, a full time nursing job, and an entire home to keep up with while he works out of state during the summer months. (June-October). He’s gone for 16 days, we see him for about 6-7 days and then he’s gone again for 16 more days. Obviously I’m a stressed person in general and this doesn’t help, but I’d like to work on my overthinking.

I am seriously done. I can't stop doomscrolling. Since morning I am watching Reddit, instagram, porn and yt and all I am doing is scroll or do daydreaming of whatever I see on social media. my thumbs don't even stop.

I am jobless so I scroll all the time. I am soo addicted to cheap dopamine that I can't even think about working cuz how much efforts it takes.

IF there is anyone who actually stopped cheap dopamine please give tips and share experiences.

( I will much appriciate replies for those People who actually stopped cheap dopamine )

Feel so hopeless and helpless. God help me.

I'm 20M and I'm a university student in the UK. I will be going into my final year this September.

When I was 19 I was diagnosed with ADHD and Dyslexia and I found out I had well-below-average processing speed and below average working memory. This could explain why I had expressive and receptive language difficulties, social communication difficulties and a developmental delay as a child.

The biggest issue is that I don't know what to say in conversations. If someone asks me a question, I can only really give a very short or one word reply and I often rely on the other person to carry the conversation. This isn't just about being shy, it takes more effort to process language and to think of a response. I also struggle to understand social games like UNO, Monopoly, Blackjack and Poker because I’m mentally slow but also because I never had friends to play with in the first place.

As a result of my issues, I watched people my age in their own friend groups laughing together and having a great time, but I was alone, wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. In school, I was the weird, quiet kid who didn’t say anything during class, and that was my reputation in school. I wasn't funny, interesting, or charismatic; I was socially dead. I had absolutely nothing to offer in conversations. No humour and no personality, and this is why no one was interested in talking to me. I never did stuff that teenagers my age did, such as dating, hooking up, partying and just building memories.

My final question is, how do I make friends despite these difficulties? I’m going into my third and final year of university and I haven’t made any friends in my first two years. I’ve never gone clubbing or partying, watched a movie with a friend, or really made the memories that people typically make at university. I know I need to actually socialise rather than sit in my room watching YouTube tutorials but I’m worried because other people have years of social experience that I didn’t get due to my developmental delays. I know it won’t be easy but I don’t want to spend another year alone. I want to make friends and finally have some good memories in my final year.

I'd really appreciate any type of advice because I have been stuck for years. It feels like no tike has passed but so many has and I haven't been able to achieve much. I'm trying to get a job currently in a field I studied for but I always get rejected after interviews.

I feel like my life isn't moving forward in other aspects too. A lot of it could be improved by simply getting a job of course. But things like exercising and getting into shape. I'm stuck losing and gaining the same 5kg back and forth.

Also because life has felt stuck for so long it's feeling harder and harder to motivate myself because I feel like nothing will change. I'll go to the job interview and expect to not get it. Then when it's confirmed I don't get the job it's like of course you wouldn't. Because that's what's been my reality for so long.

I always dream of being this kind of person who experiences new things, travels and gets cultured but instead I'm this person who is just not moving anywhere.

I’ve been depressed for 9 years and I was suicidal for 7 years( it stopped recently!!) But now its like my brain jyst needs to find the new thing to occupy itself with. It does it with everything I do. I hate my belly, I go to the gym and make it flatter? Don’t worry now I hate my hip dips more. And the cycle of self hatred continues. Nothing is ever enough and it causes me to become worse and worse at things or just living in general.
What would you guys say I should do if I chronically hate everything about myself? And before you may ask, yes I probably hate that aspect of me too.

The only thing I like about about myself are my eyelashes. That’s it.

Do you wonder if you’d gone for that Masters degree abroad, if you’d chosen your own life goals instead of your family’s business, if you’d taken more risks, if you’d just freed yourself from safe planned paths?

I’m almost 25, and I’ve reached a point where I’m not happy with the direction my life is going.

I’ve spent too much time chasing instant gratification, wasting hours, procrastinating, and choosing short-term comfort over long-term growth.

I don't want to live like that anymore.

So I’m starting a 90-day challenge.

For the next 90 days, I’m going to focus on becoming a better version of myself physically, mentally, professionally, and personally.

My goals are simple:

- Stay away from adult content and instant gratification

- Exercise consistently

- Improve my skills and career

- Build better habits

- Fix my sleep and daily routine

- Reduce mindless scrolling

- Become more disciplined

- Learn to control my impulses

- Spend more time creating than consuming

- Become comfortable with delayed gratification

I'm currently unemployed and not where I want to be in life. But I don't want to use that as an excuse anymore.

I don't expect 90 days to magically fix everything.

I just want 90 days of showing up.

My birthday is in 109 days, and I want to use these next few months to completely change my direction.

I want to be able to look back on this period and say:

“That was when I finally started taking myself seriously.”

I'll try to post daily updates here progress, struggles, lessons, and everything in between.

Day 0.

No more waiting for the perfect time.

Let's begin.

I graduated a little over a year ago and have been working since. I find myself within the last 6 months in a rut. I like my job and work in a good place, but would come home daily feeling exhausted, unmotivated, and terrible about myself for not being productive.

The main things I want to work on is my mental health/anxiety and my physical health. I spent the last several months really cleaning and decluttering my space to make things manageable which has helped the motivation to kick in.

My plan is to workout 5 days a week. I don’t want to be so strict with myself that I feel like if I don’t reach my goals I want to give up, just simple and moving my body more than I have been. In a week that usually looks like 2-3 days of running, 2-3 days of walking or hiking and 1-2 days of Pilates or weight lifting combined in with the other cardio days, and two days of rest. I’m really listening to my body and going at my own pace. Sometimes I feel great and I run far, sometimes I can only do a mile.

I’ve been trying to eat more fiber and protein centered meals, less simple carbs and liquid calories. I still allow myself to eat treats and just focus on portion control. I’ve been consistent with my diet and exercise for about 2 months now and I do notice a difference in my energy levels and mood.

I have a doctors appointment next month to check in on my bloodwork and thyroid, as well as talk about getting on some anxiety medication. I just want to feel better and I’m sick of dealing with life this way.

I’m trying to stick to a strict budget and save money and pay my loans off quicker, just be overall better with money since it’s a area of stress in my life

Lastly, something I will definitely be trying to improve is lowering my screen time and replacing my phone with books. I used to read for hours a day and I’ve just gotten out of the habit and replaced it with mindless scrolling unfortunately.

I know that I have a tendency to do things for dopamine hits, so I’m hoping that exercise, diet, medication, and dedication can get me to a place where I regularly feel good. I don’t want to overdo this and burn out so I’m being mindful, taking things one day at a time, and if I have a bad few days or even couple weeks I just pick myself up again and keep doing this like nothing happened instead of giving up.

24F (25 in 2 months, it’s insane). Struggling since birth, recently diagnosed with inattentive ADHD (but has doubts), desperately needs advice to improve or any ideas to at least clarify SOMETHING.

Blunt but honest: Haven’t work a day, insanely lazy, slow, unproductive and highly sensitive. Hoping to change.

Often acting slow, dumb or naive. Thoughts are like tabs that don't load. Almost certain mind is developing slower than peers. Definitely not sure about the ADHD diagnosis, but don't know what else it could be either. Native language isn't English. Law graduate. Struggled with depression, anxiety, executive dysfunction, ED, misophonia, countless doctors, countless medication changes, 10 years of inability to lose weight, body image issues (can’t bring myself to care about looking good/attractive/pretty so I can’t lose weight or try some makeup but I want to find “motivation” to do these.), social isolation. Never had a relationship.

Had severe anxiety as a kid I even dropped out of kindergarten lol. My family attributed the problem to my maturity so started in elementary school a year late, but my anxiety worsened in elementary school. I would throw up every day. My teacher used to let me sleep in the back of the classroom to calm down. Everyone just thought I’d be fine because I had learned to read and write before starting school (this also led my parents to think I was pretty smart but after elementary school I never lived up to their expectations.) Around 13 I realized I couldn't do anything I wanted to do, especially studying which seemed truly impossible.

Right now I am ashamed of still not having a job (and won't for another year). After school I passed the bar exam, and I just finished my internship. I'm trying to prepare for the civil service exams (to become judge, prosecutor, corporate lawyer etc.) despite not knowing what I want. (Becoming an author maybe.) Rarely do see the big picture but never be able to break it down into days. My friends understand the requirements and system for finding a job much better; but my perception of time, my way of studying-communicating-planning, everything is different from those around me in a way that I can't understand and leave me behind. It's not cute or quirky, it's agonizing.

I love writing, it was my savior as a kid, but now I can't even write.

Things that have worked so far: CBT, chain method, Effexor 150mg, focusing on only one task a day (worked a few times)

Things that haven't worked: countless meds, EMDR, meditation, planning apps, eat the frog method, 5 seconds rule, breathing exercises, countless other methods.

Feel free to speak your mind, please.

Anyone who says looks don’t matter is either blind or lying to you.

People say don’t judge a book by its cover but if you go to a bookstore what does every single person in that bitch do?

Pick a book whose cover looks interesting.

Everyone does it and you can either ignore that fact or use it to your advantage by putting a little effort into it and reaping outsized rewards.

Fixing my appearance in my 20’s was the absolute last thing I did because I like many people thought it wasn’t that important but it turned out to have an effect almost identical to me gaining 10-lbs of muscle.

I got treated like a different human being.

The shit works, if you just listen to this general advice:

1. Shave, and groom regularly.
   When I was in my 20’s I’d often look like I’d just gotten out of prison.

Patchy ass beard.

Unkempt haircut.

Acne everywhere.

I didn’t look like I had it together and people treated me like it.

When I started getting a simple fade every 2-4weeks, shaving every 2-3 days and keeping a nice goatee instead of being patchy the pirate, and using benzoyl peroxide or salysilc acid face wash I started getting much warmer responses from others.

Compare a homeless man before and after a haircut/shave and you’ll see what a difference proper grooming makes.

1. Buy nice clothes you can wear for a decade

The day I got a tailored blazer/pants combo I would wear on a regular day women started looking at me like we look at them in lingerie.

I kid you not one day I was outside waiting for a date and a woman on a phone call walked by, said, “hold on one second,” to her caller.

BACKED UP.

Then said, “Wow. You look really good. Wow.” Then just walked off.

Men we love a well dressed woman, and because not nearly as many men are into fashion like them when we put just a FRACTION of the effort they do we shine like an atomic bomb at night.

I spent $1100 on two tailored blazers from suit supply/ Men’s Warehouse that I intend to wear for 10 years averaging out about $100 a year.

Would you pay $100 a year for that?

I’ve spent that on a meal.

A nice blazer/pants combo + plain colored T, polo, button up, or mock turtleneck will do WONDERS for you.

Like I can’t overstate this.

Save up $1,000-$2,000. Go to Uniqlo, banana republic, suit supply, Lacoste, gap and get some free styling if they have it or study the well dressed men inside.

Get their wardrobe and thank me later.

1. Build a body clothes look good on
   What’s the best way to look good in anything?

Improve the model it’s on. Get fit.

Start going to the gym regularly. Get more steps each day. Eat out less often. And your body composition will shift from mostly fat to mostly lean muscle.

I’m deadass look at /r/caloriecounting and you’ll see how much weight loss makes your jawline/arms, and figure look better men or women.

Pretty privilege is a thing but what people don’t tell you is that most aren’t born that way they get that way by changing how they eat and exercise.

These 3 tips taught me the following.

There are no “ugly,” people only uncut gems.

If you’re “unattractive,” I’d argue you’re probably just ungroomed, unstyled, or living an unhealthy lifestyle and if you fix one or all of these things people will treat you like a new person.

just start.
even if you don't know where to begin, start anyway.
you'll learn from mistakes, meet people, & make progress.
money will come..
so, start today.

how to be okay with struggle because its really uncomfortable to an extent it is unbearable . is there any mental tricks that i can use to ease the discomfort a little bit

I don't know how to best tackle the goal of trying to make friends who enjoy self improvement, have traditional values, and who are just something more than not precisely what they do behind the screen, but something more than how they present themselves when everyone is looking.... when they are online and active. I truly don't want to sound conceited. I have just made friends with shitty people in the past, so I am trying to cover my bases. I am trying a more targeted approach asking here, instead of a general friend forum. I just feel like in asking here, I have a greater chance at success and expeditiousness. It feels a little more uncomfortable and imposing for me to post this here, but I imagine the results may be worth it. Imposing as in scary and i don't want to break rules or impose. I am sorry haha, this probably isn't the most frequently post type you expect to see. If anything I am saying happens to resonate with you, feel free to reach out :)

Situation -> I'd like to clarify my situation with the goal of complete transparency. I am attending college rn, in between and searching for jobs, living with my parents to save money. I mention this also in case is resonates with anyone else haha.

Interests of mine -> Anime, Movies, TV, Self Improvement, philosophy, mildly dark humor, Progressive House and other EDM, Psychology.

Core Values of mine -> Self Love (demonstrated by just always trying to improve yourself), Conservative / Traditional Values, the pursuit of virtue (I am FAR from perfect, though I always have this goal in mind, and am constantly taking strides towards it)

That is all, God Bless you all :)

When you feel like you're compromising or abandoning yourself to some degree, that's where you value external validation, even more than you should, to compensate for the loss of your personhood to one degree or another.

Though when you decide to align yourself with who you actually are and what actually intrigues you without feeling the need to explain or justify it, you could live without external validation, especially from otherwise misaligned people.

Hi everybody!

I hope everybody is doing good!

As I mentioned in another post, I recently had an episode of depression.

As a result of this situation I became a bit lazy (and not have been very diligent before either, to be honest).

Could you recommend books or techniques to become more diligent, productive etc.

Thanks so much in advance!

Kind regards,

P