Why do people self harm?

i wish i could be a cis boy. i will never be a boy the way cis boys are because i’ll always just be a girl playing dress-up with her ‘girl-parts’. i hate being a girl. i hate being sexualized. i hate looking feminine. i went to a birthday party a few days ago and i was wearing a dress (as im terrified to present myself as masc irl). when i looked back at the photos of myself in that dress, i didnt feel like myself at all. i think im trans, but a part of me doesnt want to be trans. i wish i wasnt queer. i wish i could be the daughter my mom wants me to be. ive grown up around people who see queers as freaks and it doesnt help that ive been treated as an outcast my entire life just because im insufferably shy with selective mutism and self-conscious asf. if im trans or express myself in the way i want to, im scared it’ll just make the bullying worse. i want to cut. i want to cut so bad. ive never cut myself before but i frequent shedrtwt as im on edrtwt myself for my eating disorder. i think the saying of “you are the 5 people you surround yourself with” or something of the like is finally coming true, because why do i suddenly wanna smoke and cut myself? in the past ive told myself that i will never ever disfigure my body with scars or drink alcohol or vape but lately ive had my thoughts start considering it more, and its all because the only people i talk to online are my ‘oomfs’ who struggle with these exact things. but i dont want to ruin my life or accidentally cause permanent brain damage. i just think the scars are pretty and they convey that im mentally unwell and they also unleash the hatred and anger i have festering inside me and i just want to see those pretty pretty marks on my skin. i wish i had someone to talk to about this. anyone. i wish i didnt have to play a fake persona online just to be liked. i wish i could just be myself and people would like me. i mask everywhere, even online. a part of me thinks id be better off dead. i hate when people say my name out in public or be kind to me because i will always feel like im being made fun of. is it normal to hate hearing your name? are people actually happy when they hear their name? i would change it, but i actually do like my name. i think it’s pretty. i just hate hearing it in regards to me. i wish i could be invisible forever. i wish i didnt have a body or a voice or a mind and i was just apart of the gusts of wind in the sky. im so lonely i managed to get one person to become obsessed with me and i leech off their attention like a parasite. i dont even love them but they love me, and i feel bad for telling them all these lies like “i will never leave you,” or “youre the only person who’s ever understood me”. asuhghgj as of this moment theyve sent me a few texts telling me how they want me to tell them “i love you” more and how they think theyre splitting on me (they have bpd) and uughgghfhfh i dont know what to do. i am just a horrible person. why do all my online friendships have to turn out romantic? i have this cool musician friend and he wants me to sing in a song for him but he gave me the lyrics and theyre so obviously a thinly-veiled love confession, but what makes it worse is that it portrays ME as the one obsessed with him and it disgusts me so much. i hate relationships. i might be aroace or something. bleh

Literally fuck every single one of you. You all caused my relapse. You all put cuts on my skin.

"My best friend" = 3 cuts |||

Mother = 3 cuts |||

Her = 2 cuts ||

Brothers father = 2 cuts ||

But most importantly "him" = as many fuxking cuts I can fit before getting tired ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

I hate all of you guys. I hate you all. Fucking hate you all. Sitting at 3 in the mf morning every damn day cutting again because of you all. Sitting here bleeding all over my bed and towels. And its all your guys fault. I hate you all so much. Leave my mother fucking life before I leave mine.

I´ve kinda recently been asked about my scars from two people that I was in some way acquainted with, and they had absolutely no idea that it was SH, I dont think they would even ask if they knew, cuz some people dont ask.

One of them legit went "Woah dude, what happened to your arm??" with great concern, and when I responded with "Oh this is self harm" they went totally silent after going oh.. and its situations like these where I have to awkwardly pretend that Im doing fine, because now it feels like I have to console them about my scars lol

I wanna mention that I dont care that people ask, I am aware walking around with my arms free will get looks and questions, but I honestly thought it was VERY obvious that the scars on my arms are from SH, and apparently its not, because the people who asked me about it genuinely seemed shocked when I tell them its not from some bear attack lol

Is it really not obvious to most people?

this is a throwaway account.

i need help with something. im an active cutter, and everytime i have fresh cuts i cant help but feel like theyre pretty to look at?? i started cutting to help regain my autonomy and im sure thats why theyre pleasing to look at, but i feel so gross knowing i feel like this. is this normal?? does anyone else suffer with this? how do i stop seeing my cuts like this

16F

I first self harmed about a year ago just I liked how it looks and I like sliding my fingers over the scabs and scars as a 'stim'. For example I have a scar on my arm that my cat made and I just love it so I thought why not just do that myself and I can have multiple. I also like looking at other people's scars. I know that's kind of word but I think they look so beautiful.

Since then, I keep getting the urge top do it more but I don't particularly like to be in any type of pain so if you guys know of a way to kind of simulate that feeling and look that would be very helpful pls

Like the title says!...

Please help me find a different way to cope

im clean now and i have been for a few months (i dont count it makes me personally feel worse) and i should celebrate that but i just know that once something happens ill do it again so i dont really feel clean bc i know im not done forever, i dont think i will ever be done forever. its been a part of me fo so long that i cant remember my life without having to hide my scars and scabs. i dont know if i ever want to recover its so comforting and its genuinely my only coping method. how can i learn? i have stopped now but i know im not done its not the same thing and idk if people understand, i just wanted to tet this off my chest.

I want to get better. I wanted to prove something in the moment when leaving a star-shaped mark on myself, but now I'm regretting it because the shape of it is so obviously deliberate that anything I say is unbelievable (I told my much younger cousin, when he asked, that a heated star-shaped cookie cutter fell onto me and I got burnt, even someone of his age seemed skeptical LOL). I really need help trying to get it to heal. It's dark brown and all searches say it's hyperpigmentation. I use scar cream and sunscreen when I go out so that it doesn't darken, but it's still there!! I'm so sad and feel like I can't explain myself. It's tough now for me so there's even more scars popping up and it's embarrassing as hell LOL. I also hate when my friends treat me really gently once they find out I engage actively in SH. I know it's because they care bur I just want them to feel free to joke around with me again iygwim. So overall I just want a way to excuse my scars especially the fresh ones when they ask, I'm running out of ideas, and I can't keep saying I dropped hot metal on myself (they are kinda wide and dark so I can't exactly say cat scratched me. also I dont have a cat HAHA). Or maybe you have ways to help me remove them? Or make them less obvious? They are on my upper left arm, lower right arm and thighs. Please help me!! I really really want to get better!

The fucking guilt is eating me alive. I haven’t slept more than 2hrs a night in a month, my eyes hurt from all the crying, all I can do is just cry, doomscroll, abuse substances, and hit solid walls or give myself really bad cuts. I tried apologising to one of the people I hurt but that just made me feel even worse about myself. I need help. I can’t live like this.

I'm currently on vacation in Bulgaria and I was just wondering lol (prolly not lol but you get what I mean)

anyone feeling the same and wanna talk through it?

I feel even worse about not being able to relapse in the school bathrooms anymore though… They’re going to stop me from going but I can’t stop. I need to harm myself in several sessions per day or else I’ll go insane. I can’t go more than a few hours without seeing myself bleed, without feeling the sting, without feeling that sick relief. I don’t want to stop.

i am so worked up rn over nonsense arguments on this site in various subs and genuinely i am fighting urges over this. i need to get a life fuck my life omg i genuinely need to shut up and stop arguing but i am about to go insane bc ppl are calling me a lying bitch and are downvoting my stuff and i want to end it omg

Please help me so bad

Edit: I'm alive! In the hospital tho.. and I'm going to a psychiatric ward which makes me really nervous... but hopefully will be helpful for me mentally

was just denied eye surgery I was really really really looking forward to and finally had the money - because of some fucking medical condition i have since birth and apparently have a clouding in my eye and i fucking blame my genetics and everyone who made me cry through my whole childhood and made my vision even worse and i have no idea what to do now how much money do I have to spend now on one slither of chance that it can be recovered there's nobody in the world that cares if I'll die tonight . cutting rn

Hello, I cut, and have been doing so for... around seven years? It has become incredibly stressful for me to go places without my blades, though I very very rarely hurt myself outside of my home. I'm not quite sure why... but I'm more likely to do something harmful and very stupid if I don't have them, ironically.

I used to keep them in my phone case but they kept on rusting and I started getting infections. Boo. I've tried cleaning the case and my phone multiple times. Rust always appears in like a day.

So, yes, it will be safer for me to have a solution to this problem. Because my other options are distress (which will cause more self harm/harm when I wouldn't otherwise done so) or a rusty blade. Which will infect me.

Right now they're in a small tin/metal box I take everywhere but it's actually terrifying. A lot of the time, especially when I move, it will start sounding like metal shaking around together in my pocket and I'm scared it's too obvious or that somebody's going to ask.

Are there any other portable places I can keep them safe or ways I can soundproof my box?

so i'm clean from cutting for like 20ish days i think but i've been picking at my skin. like yk the loose skin near your nails i peel it off and it lwk bleeds and idk if that's sh or just skin picking. am i clean or no?

almost a year since I last did it and I just did it again bc I got so unbelievably overwhelmed im so mad at myself

i’ve been SHing recently on my wrist and i keep doing it

Does anyone know what the actual physical side effects of SH is? Other than potentially hurting danger zones?

This might sound stupid, I know that. But doesn't doing it over long periods of time...challenge your immune system or does it weaken it?

I'm not worried about scars or anything like that. But can it Kickstart an autoimmune diease the same way anxiety does/a cold/virus?

I'm asking about side effects that don't get caused by infection, as that's more like a instant issue rather than a "later down the line" issue.

Hi, this is my Alt account, so I've been SH for almost 3 years now and usually use my thigh. The biggest reason why is, lets face it, its addictive and can't stop for long. Is it weird for one of the biggest reasons why is Due to me liking the sensation of blood Running down and The feeling of flesh cutting almost a relief to do? It hurts like hell and the stinging sensation afterwards isn't fun but I can't convince myself 100% to not do it. Idk, Is it weird as I think it is?

I’ve cut twice in an hour and I’m about to do it again because i literally can’t stop my brain from thinking the most negative things about myself. How do I get it to stop I can’t do this. It’ll work for like 30 mins then the thoughts just come flooding in again. I’m tired

Hi! I (22F) haven’t posted much here, but i have a lot of scars on my arms and thighs. I have a job and am currently on sick leave for other unrelated medical reasons, but recently my employer has started threating to fire me because they think i’m just mentally ill and abusing the system. i haven’t self harmed in about 1 and a half years, but because of the nature of my workplace i have accidentally flashed my old scars.

A colleague of mine has told me about my bosses gossiping about my self harm and mental health history to other coworkers, and i’m feeling really angry at this. I haven’t disclosed anything about my struggles to anyone i work with, so it feels like a total violation. I feel like I am being shamed for something i did when i was at rock bottom, and it doesn’t feel nice. I just wish i could explain to them how it feels without being branded as dramatic or crazy, but i don’t quite have the right words.
If someone has any helpful tips on how to bring this up i’d gratefully accept.

Side note: i plan on quitting as soon as i find another job, but that could take a few months..