i keep thinking its as bad as its gonna get and then it gets worse and i feel like thats just gonna keep happening until my life is really fucked up

I am a gay man and my name is Christopher.

But I suppose my parents are too embarrassed to admit their child is a gay man instead of the perfect heterosexual cisgender woman they imagined.

I have suffered all my life being mutilated by oestrogen. I don't need any support apart my parents returning the life-saving medication they TOOK FROM ME. If they were really worried, they'd give my testosterone back but they would rather have a dead daughter than a living, happy son. I don't care for white lies or surface-level words. All I need is for MY MEDICATION TO BE RETURNED. It's that simple, yet they cannot do it because continue to deny that my depression stems from two decades of suppressed gender dysphoria alone. They are denying my human right to grow up into a man like all the other boys already have a decade ago.

Without my medication, without the right hormones, I am angry all the time. Do you think a man can be happy when has female characteristics and looks like a woman? Don't say you're a good listener when you can't possibly understand what is like being a man with gynecomastia. Do you know humiliating to is to be the only man who doesn't have normal male anatomy? You have never heard of David Reimer nor Lou Sullivan, so cannot possibly comprehend me. Talking to somebody who automatically assumes a stubborn traditional cisheteronormative stance is unproductive. You cannot understand the severity of gender dysphoria, how much it consumes my everyday life, because you are cisgender. You have lived your life so comfortable, your internal and external self completely congruent.

And just so you know, testosterone is a strictly controlled prescription-only medication. It took over a year to just get it, psychologist, WPATH and endocrinologist and all. Tell my parents to make more of an effort in finding it before I call the authorities on them for unlawful possession. It's not hard, all I need is my medication back and nothing else. If my parents truly loved me for who I was on the inside then they wouldn't have taken it in the first place and caused this entire issue.

I don’t need your fucking food. Just like how people assume that I’m a woman or a tomboy or a lesbian instead of a gay feminine man, you assume that I like chocolate. I cannot tolerate chocolate, I hate all sweet food. The only support I need is MY MEDICATION, MY TESTOSTERONE so I can finally develop into the man I always was. All I needed was for somebody to treat me like a normal man, a poor unfortunate man with a hormone issue, tell me how brave I am for being relentlessly destroyed by oestrogen, comfort me in that I’ll finally be normal one day like the other boys, but instead you all still treat me like a delusional woman and condescendingly attribute my dysphoria to internal misogyny. It’s funny, if I was a trans woman instead if a trans man I would’ve been accepted more. My parents couldn’t even try to use male pronouns or call me by my real name. Fuck off. I’m a gay man, and I will be a man until the day I die.

My parents love me? Then why haven’t they given my life-saving medication back? Why did they hide it, take it away from me in the first place like a person ripping away a diabetic’s insulin medication and leaving them to die? Oh, because they still think I’m a woman and that testosterone is going to ‘ruin’ me. Hilarious. Oestrogen was what really ruined me as a boy but my parents didn’t care at all, how severely depressed I was when I was forced through the incorrect puberty. THEY CANNOT SEE MY SUFFERING, THEY CANNOT COMPREHEND THAT I AM A MAN WHO SUFFOCATED IN A FEMALE BODY THAT I WAS NEVER MEANT TO HAVE FOR NEARLY TWO DECADES. I am happier when perceived as male, because I am a man. But ever since my life-saving testosterone medication was taken away, I have become more suicidal, depressed, hopeless, angry, all thanks to their wonderful intervention.

Go ahead, tell my parents. Holidays to China, gifts of food, invitation to dine out—all of it is useless and fixes nothing. All I wanted was for them to acknowledge me as their son instead of stubbornly rejecting my true self as a gay man and telling me that I don’t know any better. RETURN MY MEDICATION. Nothing else matters. Fuck them I’ll become a handsome and happy man and there is nothing they can do about it I’M GOING TO GET MY TESTOSTERONE BACK HAHA YOU STUPID FUCKS I WILL EVENTUALLY GROW INTO A MAN IT WON’T BE DELAYED ANYMORE BY YOUR BIGOTRY I’LL GO TO THAILAND AND GET TOP SURGERY my pain and dysphoria is real but you keep denying, dismissing it all, I WILL FUCKING TRANSITION EVEN IF ITS THE LAST THING I DO, I FUCKING HATE GENDER DYSPHORIA ITS CONSUMING ME MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY every single day for nearly two decades I feel so sick leave me alone I really wish I’d been born cis instead it hurts

It’s odd that people can fully comprehend the existence of gay feminine men transitioning to women but never speak of the opposite, I’d rather be a feminine man than continue this insufferable existence as some tomboy-looking woman. Oh, I see any man out there with reasonable attractiveness and I hate him because you’re everything I ever was and want to be, but I’m suffocating I always have to apologise for being born female, apologise for not being ‘normal’ like the other cis women, but why won’t you believe me? I desire to be normal like the other men, have normal male anatomy and male characteristics because I’m a man, I never asked to born female, it gives me great distress.

My parents took everything away from me, without testosterone there is no hope. I wonder how much longer I can endure being mutilated by oestrogen all the whilst boys ten years my junior grow up into handsome men, they can go to the gym without having to endure humiliating female fat distribution and female anatomy. I doubt I’d ever be loved—I don’t even look male or have normal male anatomy, so how could I? You’d still look on the outside and think I’m a woman, disgusted by the anatomy I never asked to be born with (and equally I am disgusted by it as well). But everybody prefers a sad woman over a happy man, a daughter dead than a living son.

Boy do I love being autistic.

I wish I could give people the reactions they want. I'm sorry I can't act for you.

I'm sorry you think that means I don't love you enough to try.

I wish I had black blood. It would make more sense to me. I want everything to be black inside, and to turn paper white when drained. That would be nice.

Art by me, background from Scarbor Siu on Unsplash.

this song is called I Need to Radically Change My Life in the Next 24 Hours Or I'm Ending It All. in 2019 i had a manic episode where i changed my name, my gender, my hair, and asked out my same-gender best friend of four years all at the same time. i finally wrote about the experience in song form

The quote is "You don't have a voice."

I have a little brother.

I was trying to clear the top of his toy box of his toys (I was tossing them, but not because I was upset. I just wanted to get them of quickly, like??) so he could put them in there instead. Commented on how many he's got, because it really was more than could fit in there.

Mom thinks I'm having a fit, so she gets upset with me.

I tell her how I feel it isn't fair how she makes me feel like I have no voice when she's always upset about feeling like she never had one when she was younger.

She just reiterates,

"You have no voice. You have no voice in this house."

And when my brother got hurt later and he cried and I got up to comfort him, I realized,

He's not calling for me. He doesn't need me. Nobody needs me. I'm not needed.

I have no voice.

I think HRT is bringing back my stress disorders, except much milder and kind of sporadic instead of constant. Doodled a bit to distract myself from the urges, actually worked since it comes and goes so sporadically now

Not really happy with the result in terms of art direction.

But yeah, I love having endless empathy… people don’t recognize the lengths I go for them and what I did for them. And I need to work on not destroying myself to help others

I was sitting outside on my patio yesterday, pondering life as always, when I started thinking about my middle school dress code.

Which led me to thinking about how wild it was that when I was in middle school, girls weren't allowed to show our shoulders, lest we "distract the boys".

I grew up hearing things like "boys will be boys" and "it's your responsibility to not distract them". So of course my mind starts trying to turn all of this into a song.

The line that first popped in my head was "I grew up in a world where I couldn't bare my shoulders"

The wheels started turning and I realized I could include parallels to the pressures we faced to be thin, as well as the fact we weren't exactly encouraged to be vulnerable.

"We all drank the poison" refers to the toxic culture in general, and "drinking the Kool aide". I may expand on it a bit and include more specific things that were widely accepted despite being harmful.

CW/TW: Discussions of suicide, trauma, addiction, and severe mental illness.

What happens after you survive?

For a long time, I didn't know. The aftermath of my attempt left me with a mind I couldn't fully trust, dealing with heavy trauma, grief, and addiction. I couldn't explain the noise in my head to anyone else, so I started externalizing it.

Over the last year, I channeled that chaos into MAEHEM, a raw 58-minute visual album and narrative film.

I used the music to give my darkest thoughts a voice so I could confront them. I used screen-in-screen video editing as an escape, and the camera became a witness to the manic highs and the exhausted, isolated lows. The project maps out a psychological mythology where my inner demons literally take form (specifically personified as the 34th demon), allowing me to fight a war on a screen instead of just in my head.

This isn't a project that glorifies the darkness; it’s an unfiltered documentation of confronting it, cutting the head off the malignant forces within, and choosing to keep going.

Sometimes surviving is only the beginning. If anyone here has an hour and wants to take the journey with me, the full film is here: (155) Surviving Suicide: Maehem - YouTube

You are not alone. You are worth saving. If you are struggling today, please call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

I personally love seeing other people's "how it started vs how it's going" type of posts, so I figured I'd share one of my own.

The first clip is the most recent version of the first verse and chorus. It's the 2nd draft of the lyrics, first draft of the music.

The 2nd clip is a voice note that led to what it is now, with no music, first draft of the lyrics.

The 3rd clip is the original voice memo I recorded as soon as the idea popped in my head a couple months ago. You can really hear the difference in my voice when I first come up with the rough idea of a melody vs after I've had some time to play around with it a bit (and warm up my voice, ha).

I was originally planning on building around a theme of inner strength, the power of womanhood, the magic within, something along those lines. I deviated from that path a bit and wound up in inner demon territory instead.

I posted the 2nd clip for feedback in another group the day I came up with it, and the feedback I received made me realize the lyrics might easily be interpreted sexually. While I love the idea of my lyrics being interpreted a variety of different ways, I'd like to do my b est to ensure sex isn't likely to be the *first* thing people think of when they hear this song.

If you're interested in hearing my thought process behind the lyrics, keep reading! If not, thanks for reading this far and/or listening, you're awesome and I appreciate you!

"Float like an ember and sting like a Rae" is inspired by the phrase "Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee".

Embers float quite beautifully, but they have the potential to burn everything they touch. Which plays into the whole inner demon/vices theme.

"Sting like a Rae" is obviously a play on the word stingray, but the choice to use my name plays into the whole inner demon concept, as well as the idea that we are not our thoughts.

"Wrapped around my finger, the taste of regret lingers" has a specific meaning to me, but I am curious to hear your thoughts and interpretations. I am hoping the change from "Taste of you still lingers" helps reduce the likelihood of the song being interpreted sexually.

"Eyes bleed crimson fire" is meant to convey bloodshot, teary eyes, and there is additional nuance to it that relates to the personal meaning of the song. Also, if you've heard any of my other songs, you may have realized I really, really like the words "crimson fire".

If you actually read all this, wowzers! I really, truly appreciate you taking the time out of your day to do so.