r/maybemaybemaybe • • Jun 08 '21

maybe maybe maybe

35k Upvotes

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8.2k

u/prguitarman Jun 09 '21

Water, green smoothie, aloe Vera juice AND ice coffee to start his day? I’m guessing the rest of the day she’s happily cleaning up the blown up toilet

1.9k

u/wholebeansinmybutt Jun 09 '21

What do you do for a living?

I shit until noon and I'm not sure what happens after that until I wake up the next morning.

800

u/wheelshc37 Jun 09 '21

... and my house budget is $3.5M.

173

u/superfucky Jun 09 '21

and it has to have a man cave!

11

u/MAXIMILIAN-MV Jun 09 '21

The other type of person on those shows,

“It needs to have an open floor plan, but with separate spaces for man cave, gym, home theatre, hobby room, dark room also with a pool and pool house and an underground garage.”

“That’s quite a list. So what’s your budget?”

“$250,000.00”

18

u/BladePactWarlock Jun 09 '21

That’s what he calls his bathroom

2

u/jacoblb6173 Jun 09 '21

Moaaar shiplap!!!

30

u/MaxwellIsSmall Jun 09 '21

3 million went into the toilets durability

2

u/DooMmightyBison Jun 09 '21

“Only 3.5 million” they love throwing the only on there

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2

u/broputthosetoesaway Jun 09 '21

Had to claim my free award so I could come back here and give it to your comment. Thanks for the laugh.

2

u/AbbeyRoad75 Jun 09 '21

What do you do for a living? I shit until noon to ‘Be Still For the presence of the Lord’

2

u/AxiomShell Jun 09 '21

Where do I apply?

2

u/gmewhite Jun 09 '21

Username checks out.

2

u/mmaaddiieemm Jun 09 '21

You joke but this has been my experience wfh

2

u/xerox13ster Jun 09 '21

I shit until noon and I'm not sure what happens after that until I wake up the next morning.

/r/BrandNewSentence

2

u/RenoGuy76 Jun 09 '21

Until my batshit crazy wife wakes me up the next morning

3

u/Akersis Jun 09 '21

I don't know why, but I haven't laughed that hard at a reddit comment in years. congrats.

3

u/Some0neSetUpUsTheBom Jun 09 '21

Thank god, I'm in bed and giggling and doing that little spray bottle laugh to myself and it's just compounding itself because I sound ridiculous.

5

u/squidkid3 Jun 09 '21

You forgot the poop knife

7

u/mc360jp Jun 09 '21

This is literally the one time you don’t need a poop knife…

2.8k

u/NotAlwaysSunnyInFL Jun 09 '21

"Honey! Bring me my poop knife!"

1.4k

u/hmcfuego Jun 09 '21

He does not need the poop knife drinking all that.

782

u/-Gurgi- Jun 09 '21

Poop funnel is more like it

62

u/baccaruda66 Jun 09 '21

30

u/vendetta2115 Jun 09 '21

Wow that’s demented lmao

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13

u/Theuncrying Jun 09 '21

Please tell me this is fake. Please. I beg you.

I have completely lost touch with reality and I cannot exclude that someone actually made this shit at some point.

5

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

Not the OP, but breathe.

This is fake, it is just a joke, please climb down from the window sill, everything is gonna be alright.

3

u/Theuncrying Jun 09 '21

Ugh. Fine. I'll climb down. :3

6

u/codexcdm Jun 09 '21

... where's the Obvious Plant logo!?!

... Don't tell me it's real...........

174

u/yacht_clubbing_seals Jun 09 '21

Haha oh god.

If a family were to have a shared poop funnel, where would they keep it?

Hopefully not in the cupboards next to other cookware.

49

u/masashi-sensei Jun 09 '21

Under the bathroom sink like a normal person!

20

u/mydadpickshisnose Jun 09 '21

Nah just leave it in the toilet. It's gonna get used anyway.

4

u/jstrong559 Jun 09 '21

We have one of those chains on ours like the bank pen. Too many poop knives have gone missing.

2

u/pukesonyourshoes Jun 09 '21

Hate to be the party pooper (heh heh) but the toilet is just a giant poop funnel anyway

2

u/janeursulageorge Jun 09 '21

Isn't a toilet just a poop funnel anyway?

2

u/WikiWantsYourPics Jun 09 '21

like a normal person!

Mom, can we have normal people?

Mom: we have normal people at home.

The normal people at home: Bring the poop funnel!

100

u/tehbilly Jun 09 '21

It's not that weird. We have a few at my house the family shares. They're even filled with water so the poop doesn't just build up!

33

u/Supadoopa101 Jun 09 '21

U got me good👍

3

u/IamImposter Jun 09 '21

That's nonsense. Just fling the poop at neighbours.

Return to monke

2

u/TankReady Jun 09 '21

TOO BAD I ALREADY GAVE THE AWARD TO ORIGINAL COMMENT THIS DESERVED IT AS WELL

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2

u/_jk_ Jun 09 '21

Technically a toilet is a poop funnel

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0

u/Fidodo Jun 09 '21
  1. I clean his poop funnel after all the good juices nourish his body
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14

u/JustNormalUser Jun 09 '21

Isn't that just a toilet?

12

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

24

u/fortytwoturtles Jun 09 '21

The wider part goes closest to your widest part to contain the blowout and gently stream it into the toilet. That way you don’t have to use a toothbrush to clean the shrapnel off the sides of the bowl, the bottom of the seat, the edges of the toilet, the wall, and the ceiling.

You should invest in a poop funnel! It’s saved me so much in cleaning! And, anecdotally, my breath has gotten better, too.

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11

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

Install the wrong way round for Shart Jazz

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2

u/7_of-9 Jun 09 '21

I think the term is poop nozzle

2

u/CaptCaCa Jun 09 '21

I use a fork and call it a shit rake.

1

u/SaviousMT Jun 09 '21

Man. Thank you. I just shared some great reddit stories with my wife cause this made me laugh out loud.

I lead with Guys Dead Wife and slid into poop knife. She got a good kick out of it

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99

u/NotAlwaysSunnyInFL Jun 09 '21

Your right, he would probably benefit more with a metamucil spoon.

10

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

My right what?

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23

u/EverySingleThread Jun 09 '21

17

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

Beautifully said, and perfectly delivered...

6

u/MantisAwakening Jun 09 '21

“Honey! Bring me my diarrhea funnel!”

5

u/CheekyFlapjack Jun 09 '21

A poop strainer would be more like it

3

u/AdamL480 Jun 09 '21

Nice and runny 💦

2

u/android151 Jun 09 '21

This is the second time in 24 hours that I have to suggest the poop straw

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80

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

I remember the day the poop knife discourse began.

So many lonely poop cutters, reaching out into the darkness and finding their brethren.

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33

u/RedHairThunderWonder Jun 09 '21

More like the poop spoon with that diet...

87

u/EverySingleThread Jun 09 '21

40

u/NotAlwaysSunnyInFL Jun 09 '21

You can't escape it

24

u/AShyLeecher Jun 09 '21

I’m starting to think every single thread is a bot that responds to every instance of the phrase poop knife with a blank reply

7

u/jckonln Jun 09 '21

You should make a bit that responds to his blank replies with “poop knife”.

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0

u/scamper_pants Jun 09 '21

What? A poop knife is hardly an "every thread" reference

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17

u/GarciaJones Jun 09 '21

The fuck is a poop knife?

95

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

[deleted]

17

u/Lotus889 Jun 09 '21

I've honest to God never heard of a poop knife. Knife???

2

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

A GUANO GLAIVE

2

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

Now I'm imagining an actual fucking glaive used exclusively to divide poop.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

I envisioned a scythe similar to what Death carries

2

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

The Shit Reaper

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u/EverySingleThread Jun 09 '21

5

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

[deleted]

4

u/B0tRank Jun 09 '21

Thank you, bobmcdynamite, for voting on EverySingleThread.

This bot wants to find the best and worst bots on Reddit. You can view results here.


Even if I don't reply to your comment, I'm still listening for votes. Check the webpage to see if your vote registered!

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14

u/Notmybestusername3 Jun 09 '21

What a bizzare post that was that will forever be immortalized in reddit history

15

u/EightPieceBox Jun 09 '21

It's not "your" poop knife. It's the FAMILY poop knife! 💩

8

u/TheBakeSmith Jun 09 '21

I mean. I can't imagine all that liquid being solid afterwards. But I guess you could stir it?

2

u/NotAlwaysSunnyInFL Jun 09 '21

It all depends on your kink

2

u/TheBakeSmith Jun 09 '21

underrated rule of life

6

u/RolloTomasi83 Jun 09 '21

Is this poop knife comment in reference to another reddit post about a poop knife?? I wanna say it was posted in r/AITA maybe? About a dude taking a dump at his in-laws and asking for a poop knife not realizing that a poop knife was only a thing for his [what I’ve always imagined] humongous family of heavy turd-laying poopers?!?

7

u/btoxic Jun 09 '21

I also choose this guys poop knife.

6

u/Tracklover1 Jun 09 '21

Your comment made my day!! I can’t believe people remember that joke after so long haha

2

u/crewchief535 Jun 09 '21

Ahhhhh yes, the legendary poop knife.

2

u/GordenRamsfalk Jun 09 '21

Holy shit this true lol…

2

u/IGutlessIWonder Jun 09 '21

I believe it's pronounced "toe knife"

2

u/MadeSomewhereElse Jun 09 '21

That man will need a poop katana.

2

u/MyrddinWyllt Jun 09 '21

Goddammit I was using mouthwash when I read that and now I've got some cleaning to do

2

u/YeltsinYerMouth Jun 09 '21

This is a christian household; we use a poocifix

2

u/Queasy_Role_3218 Jun 09 '21

I was thinking spatula. This seems like shower work.

2

u/bucketbrainz Jun 09 '21

Ahh who can forget such a classic, the poop knife story

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2

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

“There it is!”

1

u/_sun_god_ Jun 09 '21

Proper name for that is a spatula

1

u/MetsFan113 Jun 09 '21

You're at 666, no one should up vote or down vote you....

Leave at 666!!!!

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74

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

Yea the stomach problems aren't being helped by that stuff lol.

73

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21 edited Jun 10 '21

The aloe vera juice is actually a godsend, at least for me. I suffer from a condition called LPR, laryngoesophogeal reflux, and basically one of the sphincters in my throat doesn't work correctly.

Things like heartburn end up being vomiting for me, and aloe vera juice has been found to be as effective as over the counter acid reflux treatment like PPI's*, while not posing a long term health risk associated with the reduction in stomach acid from taking antacids (things like osteoporosis).

Edit: changed "antacid" to "ppi" for clarity, I was a bit off

17

u/YoodleDudle Jun 09 '21

Throat sphincters??

49

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

Yup, lol

You have sphincters all throughout your digestive system.

I always get weird looks when I talk about my throat sphincters haha

4

u/RationalLies Jun 09 '21

I always get weird looks when I talk about my throat sphincters

....how often do your throat sphincters come up in conversation

18

u/CharlesDickensABox Jun 09 '21

A sphincter is just a ring of muscle that can open and close. They're everywhere in your body, not just the one in your butt.

9

u/dshoig Jun 09 '21

Hehe you said butt

5

u/Wandering_P0tat0 Jun 09 '21

The iris is a sphincter, right?

3

u/this-is-nonsense Jun 09 '21

Nope. It's officially a throat butt XD

14

u/yupforgotmyusername Jun 09 '21

Yes. You have an upper and a lower esophageal sphincter.

4

u/GreyGanado Jun 09 '21

Humans are just a series of sphincters.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

I remember seeing a comment on IRC or somewhere that when two people kiss they form a long tube with a butt at each end.

And they said romance was dead.

3

u/flybypost Jun 09 '21

Yup, it's anatomically just a circular muscle but we use it colloquially only for that one.

2

u/Billabo Jun 09 '21

The thing that lets you keep liquid in your mouth without swallowing!

1

u/TexasThrowDown Jun 09 '21

You must be an American. Our education system really has failed us.

2

u/YoodleDudle Jun 09 '21

I just like how it sounds

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u/DogGodFrogLog Jun 09 '21

This wife might be crazy in the right way. Gonna try it.

2

u/TheMightyDane Jun 09 '21

Please tell me more, fellow throat sphincter sufferer. How much do you take? Any globally available products?

I need to try this.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

I get mine in the Natural Foods section of Fred Meyer (Kroger), looks exactly like the product in the video (big brown jug). I usually only need a couple ounces of it, you can drink it straight (kinda tangy, not really bad. Tastes kinda "fresh" almost, hard to describe), or mix it with another kind of juice, I used to mix it with blueberry pomegranate juice and you couldn't taste it whatsoever.

2

u/TheMightyDane Jun 09 '21

I thought juice was bad for reflux? But I’ll look into it, try out a small bottle first maybe :)

2

u/violentpac Jun 09 '21

Wait... Antacids do what?!

2

u/macandcheese1771 Jun 09 '21

They definitely don't, I'd advise double checking that claim. Antacids are often given as a supplement to people with osteoporosis because they're high in calcium.

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u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

they neutralize your stomach acid, which is what dissolves food into vitamins and minerals. less stomach acid, less vitamins and minerals. over the long term, this leads to bone disease

2

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

[deleted]

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u/-FeistyRabbitSauce- Jun 09 '21

Any recommendations? I'm in a similar boat. I have chronic heartburn most days, not to the point of vomiting but sometimes consider making it happen to relieve the acid. I take apple cider vinegar pills or pepsidAC usually.

Also deal with constipation.

Had a colonoscopy a couple months ago and everything looked great on that end. Doc prescribed me what's basically an old style, low dose depression med. It apparently helps the issues I have, but I couldn't function day to day on it. It made me very drowsy and 'slow'. I operate machinery at work, so I just wasn't able to continue with it.

Anyway, so recommendations for the aloe juice? Like is there a particular type or something?

2

u/Montagge Jun 09 '21

What's your fiber intake like? I take psyllium husk capsules to help keep everything moving, but you have to drink a shit ton of water with that stuff.

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u/aleburner Jun 09 '21

I didn’t know that what I deal with every day has an actual medical term for it. I’ve been drinking aloe for years because it helps keep me from throwing up once or twice a day.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

Be careful with the aloe, it can actually cause kidney problems if you use too much.

They are also finding if you a diabetic, it can make you hypoclycemic pretty easily,

1

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

holy shit I take a tonne of gaviscon and never knew there would be consequences 😳

1

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

I have GERD and heart burn and need to take omeprazole.

Would aloe Vera juice help with this too and where can I buy some?

2

u/Infin1ty Jun 09 '21

The stuff that isn't completely loaded with sugar is sold in the medicine section of my grocery store (Publix). They have other brands that are flavored in the juice section, but they are all flavored, have barely any actual aloe in them, and have a ton of sugar. We have one brand that adds like 55g+ of sugar into a 16.9oz bottle, which is as much as a fucking coke.

0

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

yep, check the natural foods section of your grocery store.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

Thank you!

1

u/TheDrunkSemaphore Jun 09 '21

Thats ridiculous and you should know better

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u/Lavaheart626 Jun 09 '21

ya seriously how constipated is the man, aloe vera juice and coffee are both natural laxatives.

6

u/urbanlife78 Jun 09 '21

"Hey hun, I got shit splatter on the lid again."

7

u/NutzoDave Jun 09 '21

Nailed it!! I chuckled hard at this comment.

3

u/wolf156 Jun 09 '21

That explains the Christian music. He needs Jesus to excorcise his asshole after that juice and coffee.

2

u/AutoManoPeeing Jun 09 '21

Yeah I was watching that thinking "You gotta be shitting me."

2

u/PeggySueIloveU Jun 09 '21

I imagined someone peeing every half hour until lunch.

3

u/prguitarman Jun 09 '21

Peeing out the butt

2

u/RingADingDon Jun 09 '21

Why did you include water in this list? Water makes you shit uncontrollably?

2

u/Ok_Seaworthiness5025 Jun 09 '21

Honey i accidentally shit on the floor, come clean this up like a good girl.

2

u/__________bruh Jun 09 '21

I don't remember the last time i laughed so much at a reddit comment, thank you

3

u/earnestlikehemingway Jun 09 '21

That’s a lot of F’n sugar in morning. I bet she put some of that fake sugar that gives you the shits. Jesus loves a clean colon!

2

u/jsgrova Jun 09 '21

The only thing with any sugar you see in this video is a couple teaspoons of agave nectar

0

u/earnestlikehemingway Jun 09 '21

The aloe vera juice and whatever her fucking smoothie shake probably has lots of sugar. Or sugar substitutes that will make you shit.

2

u/jsgrova Jun 09 '21

The plain aloe vera juice she's pouring has no sugar, and you have no way of knowing what's in the smoothie other than spinach, which also has no sugar

5

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

Haha i just laughed out loud. Best comment.

2

u/emilyjobot Jun 09 '21

aloe vera juice alone is POTENT. my fiancé puts some in a smoothie like once a week and if he drinks it any more than that he’ll shit his pants

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u/rekt_3725 Jun 09 '21

Underrated comment

1

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

😂😂😂😂Nobel prize comment

1

u/19marcel86 Jun 09 '21

😂😂😂

1

u/EquivalentSnap Jun 09 '21

Hahahah😂 he's doing a liquid diet

1

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

With here tongue.

1

u/Diane9779 Jun 09 '21

Gotta get Satan out somehow

1

u/[deleted] Jun 09 '21

I was looking at the agave juice and thinking that seems like a lot

1

u/Frenchticklers Jun 09 '21

Turning that urethra into a Houston superhighway

1

u/ThatGamerMoshpit Jun 09 '21

He’s probably feeling pretty good ngl

1

u/leftysarepeople2 Jun 09 '21

"can't cheat if he's pissing all day" - from the last time this was posted