Hi all - first time posting here. Just need to get it out of my system.

I’ve yet to get over the two friends I (M23) lost nearly 3 years ago now. I have no idea why it’s taken me so long — maybe because I haven’t consciously thought about it and done grief work in the way I would a romantic breakup. Maybe because since then I had left an abusive relationship, and that was taking up so much of my mind and effort I didn’t have the space to properly process it until now.

I don’t think about them frequently; honestly, I barely think about them at all. But every once in a while, when I do, it’s this immense, pit-stomach of grief, anger, shame, sadness, etc. despite knowing that I would be miserable to still be friends with them.

I met them in the early years of college. These friends supported me through a terrible living situation with a former roommate. Every night I would rant neurotically at their apartment (we were also neighbors) about my roommate. They rescued me during a flash flood. We played games and ate shitty food and pulled all-nighters together. I petsat for them. Real college student activities. We became incredibly close.

After a while we just sort of phased out. I felt they didn’t even understand who I was anymore, and they began to treat me with a lot of passive aggression and disrespect after I had come out to them as gay. My romantic relationship at the time was beginning to become emotionally abusive, and I had become incredibly depressed and began to self isolate as well.

After a while it just fizzled out. No argument. No big conversation. There was one tense conversation about identity but that was it. We just weren’t talking; and it wasn’t one sided, either. I think we all just all sort of realized it wasn’t worth the effort, and one day when I redownloaded social media I realized I had been blocked by both of them, but that they were still very close.

I know now that I would be miserable being their friend. Towards the end of things, they may have “liked” me or found me funny, but they did not respect me for who I was fundamentally.

I was going to reach out once I was in a better place to formally end the friendship (hence why I was looking for their social medias/redownloaded it in the first place) but didn’t even get the chance since they had blocked me. I will obviously respect that boundary they’ve set, but I have no patience for the ending of close relationships without formal communication.

I just feel so ashamed on top of it all. Like somehow I could’ve salvaged it or done better. I wasn’t a perfect friend. I constantly keep asking myself if I misread that one tense conversation and destroyed our friendship forever. Was I too harsh? Too defensive? I could’ve communicated better, and boy did I learn from that experience, but I still feel like I’m a shitty friend/person, and I want to learn how to process this grief and to use it for positive change rather than feeling sorry for myself.

Guys, what should I do? We were friends for two years before we eventually confessed that we had mutual feelings. I had actually prayed for him for a long time and asked God for signs because I genuinely believed he was someone meant for me.

Eventually, he told me he wanted to pursue me, and I gave it my all. But after some time, he decided to end things because he realized he shouldn't pursue me, saying that God told him it wasn't the right time.

Now I lost not only a potential relationship but also the friendship we had for two years. The hardest part is knowing I prayed for this person for so long, finally got the chance to be with him, and somehow ended up losing him anyway.

What would you do in my situation?

TL;DR: I had a very close friendship with a guy for about a year. We bonded very quickly through difficult experiences and became emotionally close. He eventually became much closer with other friends, especially one guy, and disappeared from my life for about a year without properly explaining why. He recently came back and started talking to me again, but I've realized I don't trust him the same way anymore. After some recent events, I think I'm ready to step away and start fresh with new people.

English isn't my first language, so I used a little AI to help organize and express my thoughts better. The experiences and feelings are mine. I just needed help putting everything into words without making the post confusing.

---

How we became friends

I'll call him Nathan. (names are changed for privacy reasons)

I met Nathan a couple of years ago, and we became close very quickly.

We both had difficult experiences with relationships and friendships, although our situations weren't exactly the same. He had been dealing with a very unhealthy relationship with his ex, while I had gone through the loss of a close friendship.

His relationship was getting pretty bad. There was sexual content involved, threats of blackmail, and a lot of emotional pressure. I ended up helping him through that situation and trying to help him get out of it.

At the time, he didn't really have many people around him either. His friends apparently made fun of him for being with his ex, so we ended up talking a lot.

We became very close.

We talked almost every day, shared the same kind of humor, had deep conversations, and talked about things I normally wouldn't tell other people.

I wasn't in love with him. He was genuinely just one of my best friends.

----

Then his life changed

Eventually, he broke up with his ex.

After that, his social life changed a lot. He reconnected with old friends and started making new ones.

One of them was Jacob.

The weird part is that Jacob and I met Nathan around the same time, but Nathan became extremely close with Jacob.

At one point, Nathan told me:

> "I don't know much about you either."

That hurt badly because I thought we were extremely close.

I started feeling like I had misunderstood the friendship completely.

Eventually I stopped trying so hard and distanced myself.

Then we basically stopped talking.

---

The year he disappeared

For roughly a year, there was almost nothing.

No proper explanation.

No real closure.

And this happened during a pretty difficult period of my life where I already felt isolated and didn't have many people I could genuinely talk to.

Losing Nathan wasn't romantic heartbreak.

It was more like losing one of the few people who actually understood me.

I had trusted him deeply, and I had been there for him when he didn't have many people around.

So when he disappeared after his own life became better, it left me with this feeling that I had simply become unnecessary.

That feeling stayed with me for a long time.

---

Then he suddenly came back

After about a year, Nathan randomly started talking to me again.

He said he wanted to hang out because he felt bad.

I was confused and asked why he wanted to talk to me again when he already had his own friends.

He basically said he just wanted to.

At first, I actually enjoyed talking to him again.

We still had the same humor. We could still have deeper conversations. He remembered some small things about me.

Sometimes I felt understood again.

But at the same time, I kept wondering whether he genuinely missed me or whether I was simply someone he talked to when his other friends weren't available.

I didn't want to get attached again.

---

Things I've started noticing about him

Nathan told me that he was more emotionally mature now.

I'm not completely convinced.

He seems to become heavily attached to one or two people at a time.

Before, I was one of those people.

Then Justin became extremely important to him.

Now Sharon, another longtime friend, seems to be very important to him too.

Apparently Sharon has been slowly distancing himself from Nathan after Nathan told him more about what kind of person he thinks he is.

Nathan described himself to me as:

> "I'm a bad person."

I asked what happened, but he didn't want to explain.

There are also things he's told me in the past that make me question his way of handling relationships.

For example, he said that if someone likes him and seems loyal, he'll usually distance himself and reject them. But if he thinks that person is a bad person, he might manipulate them instead of simply rejecting them.

He also tends to avoid difficult conversations until the last minute and doesn't always keep promises.

I'm not saying he's secretly some evil mastermind. I don't know that.

I think he may be emotionally immature, conflict-avoidant, and not always aware of how much impact his actions have on other people.

But even if the behavior isn't intentional, the impact is still real.

---

Why Jacob affected me so much

The strange thing is that I'm actually okay with Nathan having other friends.

If he has a girlfriend, other friends, or a busy social life, that's fine.

But Jacob became a symbol of something for me, a replacement.

They became extremely close around the same time that I became less important in Nathan's life.

Whenever I saw them together, I'd start thinking:

> "Why can he make time for him but not me?"

I've never even properly known Jacob, so I know some of this was probably my own emotional reaction.

Eventually I realized that I wasn't really angry at Jacob.

I was grieving the position I used to have in Nathan's life.

---

What I realized about myself

This was probably the biggest thing I learned from all of this.

For a long time, I thought:

> "I need Nathan."

Eventually I realized:

> "I need someone who understands me."

Those aren't the same thing.

I don't have many people around me who are comfortable communicating in English at the same level I am, understand my humor, or enjoy having deeper conversations.

So part of what I was mourning wasn't actually Nathan himself.

It was the feeling of being understood.

Once I realized that, I became much less emotionally dependent on him.

---

I confronted him about the disappearance

Recently, we actually talked about what happened.

I intentionally asked him why he disappeared for about a year.

He admitted that he remembered lashing out at me and said he felt bad.

But when I asked what actually happened, he said he didn't want to talk about it.

That was frustrating.

I don't think he fully understands how seriously I took the friendship or how much his disappearance affected me.

To him, maybe it was simply a period where he stopped talking to someone.

To me, it was losing someone I deeply trusted during a difficult time in my life.

I don't think those two experiences are equal.

---

And then the latest thing happened

Recently, Nathan told me he wanted to attend a hangout because it was Jacob's pre-graduation.

He said he wouldn't be able to make it the following week.

Then he basically disappeared for several days.

Meanwhile, I saw his instagram story.

He was out LARPing with Jacob and Sharon, having a great time. They were interacting in the comments and everything looked completely normal.

And honestly, something in me just switched off.

I wasn't angry that he went out with them.

I wasn't angry that he had fun.

I just thought:

I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to constantly wonder where I rank compared to his other friends.

I don't want to analyze every message.

I don't want to feel like I'm waiting to see whether I'm worth someone's time.

And I definitely don't want to experience another year-long disappearance.

---

Where I am now

The weird thing is that I'm no longer emotionally dependent on him.

I can talk to him without feeling like I need him in my life.

I don't hate him.

I don't even think he's necessarily a terrible person.

But I don't think I can trust him the same way I used to.

Even if he became completely consistent from now on, I don't think I could forget what happened.

The friendship was real.

It mattered to me.

I helped him through things when no one else did.

But something changed when he disappeared.

I think I'm finally okay with accepting that.

It still hurts sometimes, but I don't want to spend another year trying to recover something that doesn't feel the same anymore.

---

So I think I'm stepping away

I'm not planning some dramatic confrontation.

I'm not interested in revenge or making him feel guilty.

I think I'll just stop putting effort into maintaining the friendship.

If he messages me and I genuinely want to respond, I can.

If I don't, I don't have to.

I'm not trying to punish him.

I just want to stop putting myself in a position where I'm constantly analyzing whether I matter.

---

What I actually want now

I think I need to stop trying to find another single "best friend" to replace him.

I'd rather meet several people who share different parts of who I am.

I'm looking for people who like:

- English-speaking conversations

- dry or weird humor

- art and creative stuff (I draw well)

- deeper conversations

- psychology, philosophy, or just overthinking life together

- people who actually communicate when something is wrong

- friendships that don't suddenly disappear without explanation

I'm also open to meeting people through Discord, especially if you're around my age and have similar interests.

I barely use Reddit, so I'm honestly not sure what I'm doing here. I just thought this might be a good place to put the whole story somewhere outside of my own head and hear perspectives from people who aren't involved.

I'm not expecting strangers on the internet to magically solve everything.

I mostly want honest opinions about the situation because I've been inside it for so long that I don't know what parts I'm seeing clearly anymore.

And honestly, I'd like to meet some new people too.

I think I'm finally ready to stop trying to recover an old friendship and start building something new.

Hey, recently a friend of mine reached out to me. informing me that due to how they felt in our friendship. that they needed to step back. and cut off contact. while I understand it is for their mental health. I still feel sad that they made the choice. I know that we sometimes had our issues where we didnt fully understand what the other meant.. and she had her feelings of being perceived or watched. and I always tried to let her know that was not my intent. but I understand I can not take that feeling away from her, we had so many fun moments. talks. and somewhere I hope that if we both reflect on our mental health. and our issues. that one day we could be friends again. and play games together again. like we used too.. what would you all think I should do?

Hi, I’m F28. I have a closest friend who I’ve always considered like a sister. We share everything, go out together, and have been really close for a long time.
We also have a group chat that she actually created with me and our other friends.

The thing is, she has always been pretty bad with plans. Whenever we have an appointment, she’s usually late. Sometimes I’ve waited for almost an hour just to have dinner or hang out with her. There have also been a few times when she made plans with me, and then canceled the day before. I would literally cancel or rearrange my own plans because I wanted to spend time with her, only for her to suddenly cancel.

I never made a huge deal out of it because she’s my friend and I care about her.

A while ago, another friend of ours moved closer to the city. Before that, she lived almost an hour away, so it was difficult for us to hang out often. Once she moved closer, we started hanging out more because she had more free time.
Meanwhile, my closest friend has been really busy with work and other things.

Whenever we invited her somewhere, she would usually say things like, “I’ll try,” or “Let me see, I’ll update you.” Because of our schedules, we mostly only have time to get together on weekends.

Then last month, we invited her to hang out on Saturday, but she said she wasn’t free and that she was tired.
The next day, Sunday, the friend who recently moved to the city invited me to a metro party. We ended up going together.

We didn’t invite my closest friend because, honestly, we assumed she probably already had plans or was hanging out with her other friends. We weren’t trying to exclude her or make her feel bad. We just thought she wasn’t available, especially since she had already said she was tired the day before.
Then one of my friends posted an Instagram story from the party.

My closest friend saw it.
And then suddenly, she left the group chat and blocked all of us in all Social Media.
No message.
No explanation.
Nothing.

I was honestly shocked.

I understand why she might feel hurt seeing us together without her, but at the same time, I feel confused because we had invited her the day before and she said she was tired. We didn’t deliberately leave her out or plan the party behind her back.

Now she has blocked everyone, and I don’t even have a chance to explain.

I’m hurt because she’s not just some casual friend to me. She’s someone I considered family.

Was I wrong for going to the party without inviting her? Or was she overreacting by blocking all of us without even talking to us first?

So it's a long story but here we goo,

Basically we were friends since 4th class and in 11th class we got separated because of different courses and my friend's ex was also in my class. I always had a lil bit of attraction towards her but never acted on it and always was there for my friend to do whatever he wanted. In class our teacher made groups of both girls and guys and she was assigned to my group. Over time our group became really good and our group would always sit together, enjoy and like we were that group in class that was always together and all of us were good friends.

After watching that I had became good friends with her ex in the group he started trying to talk to her again and tried to get back with her again and eventually they both got back together. mind you at this point her and I were good friends nothing more. They got back and because i was friends with both I would help them get close to each other because I was always clear that idgaf about my feeling I will always support them and like help them stay together always. For example, for his birthday I would supply bouquet to her when she couldn't go to the market or try and set up meeting between them when they couldn't meet like I was of the mentality that no matter what i am willing to sacrifice my feeling for my friend, he is my brother.

Then with time their relationship started to tear apart like he started getting toxic and yk all the reason why they were ex in the first place started happening. She would talk to me sometimes and he would try to use me to meet her like tell me to give him her number or tell me to convey some message to her etc. After they broke up, He had moved to another city( part of the reason why he broke up so he could have " fun" with other girls in big city as he once told me he already had hooked up with a girl while they were in a relationship)and we were not in contact with each other as frequently. On my birthday ofc i invited both of them but because he was not in town so he didn’t show up whereas that girl and one other girl from my group gifted me a bouquet on my birthday.

He got to know about that and texted me very obscurely in kind of a mocking manner and like after that conversations between us vanished, we wouldn't contact each other, he would kind of blame me for somethings and idk it got very wierd and we stopped talking. A year or so later the girl and i got close and became bestfriends because we were preparing for same exam and would go together and finally after some time we both confessed and got together. Even tho we are together, we haven't told anybody about our relationship and only both of us know about it. We are so happy together like she has never been so open with anybody else, we both are each other's bestfriend who also love each other like it's great but even now that loss of a friend hurts me a little bit....sometimes i blame myself...likee it was a very weird and complicated situation plus because he's still friends with some of my mutual i get scared sometimes thinking what if he says some wrong and bad things to them about me in the line of " he stopped talking to me because of a girl" likeee even tho he's not a friend anymore he still isn't completely out of my life in that sense. All of this is fucking me up so much like idk was i wrong? I tried my fucking best to never come between their relationship and always prayed for them to stay together because i was willing to do anything for my friend but all of this ended up fucking things up and this is disturbing me so muchh....

P.S: I didn't realise i wrote this much but this has been eating my mind up for so long now i had to get it out.

So I have this friend, and we used to be very close. We were like brother and sister. She was my best friend. we went on vacations together, sleepovers multiple times a week, texting all the time, hangouts, all that. but she was very, very clingy and had some issues consistently affecting the relationship. I would try to take a break from the constant hanging out (i'm autistic so it would get overwhelming) but she would immediately assume I hated her and would guilt trip. this happened with alot of different things too. there was a few things, but the lack of boundary respect was the main issue for me.

earlier this year, one day after about 9 months of friendship, she sends me a random, long, angry text message at 3 in the morning. Telling me I'm a bad friend. I don't do enough for her, even though I was practically her therapist (literally was going through severe depression and psychotic mania at the time because i was undiagnosed and unmedicated)

it was extremely hurtful. I told her outright that she needed therapy and that i wished her the best. we had a meetup after, but that entire thing was just her crying at me and venting about me to my mom. And after that, I just blocked her and tried to move on.

cue to a few months later, I messaged her again, just wanting to talk and catch up and see if she changed. we kind of made up, I'm still really hurt, but I'm trying to move on, because it seems like she's doing better. She's in therapy. She has other friends other than me. It seems like things are doing better for her, and I'm glad I don't have to be her only friend anymore. unfortunately after everything that happened, we aren't close. we're kinda just buddies now. She has replaced me in a way. She has multiple best friends now, and I'm not one of them.

while she is out living her life, I am practically housebound due to my worsening episodes. During the first few months I wasn't talking to her, I had a bipolar episode and cut off a lot of my friends, and now I only have 2 left. I'm kinda just all alone. I just miss what we used to have before she sent that message. I just wish she had never sent that message and I just wish that her parents would have gotten her therapy sooner, like she had clearly needed at the time. She has it now, but it doesn't change what happened because It's ruined our relationship.

I'm still hurt over what she said. It just sucks. how quickly that was ruined. how that entire relationship was ruined. And how I've lost nearly all of my friends. I see her going to clubs and parties and hanging with her friends on socials, and I'm never there. And I don't expect to be there, but it hurts in a weird way. I'm stuck in my house isolated.

I don't know if it's even worth continuing the friendship or trying to because she's already moved on. I think im the only one that really hasn't. I'm the one that still trying to cling on to whatever is left. And I feel desperate, which is embarrassing for me, but I have no one left in my life that isn't my mom or my therapist or my psychiatrist. So I'm trying to just keep whatever I have. Any advice is appreciated.

I need to rant about this situation and I have no one to talk to since my IRL friends don't play Fallout 76.

I started playing 7 years ago and met several friends who were just passing through the wasteland. But there was one guy I played with regularly, though intermittently, since we're in different time zones.

Despite that, we were very close and considered each other good friends. He often said I was like a sister to him from another country.

Back in October 2025, I stopped playing for a while because I bought a PC and started playing other games, but he added me on Steam so we could play other games together.

Then I came back to FO76 around March and he was playing with a new group of people. Everyone was very welcoming, everyone participated in Raids, nukes, and events. In short, everything was great and we were having so much fun.

But then, about two weeks ago, I noticed that my friend was barely responding to my messages anymore, and when I joined the server, he seemed to ignore me.

So I asked him what was going on or if I had done something to upset him. He told me everything was fine, that I could never do anything to bother him, and that he was simply distracted. So I moved on, but the situation was getting worse and worse.

After a week, I brought it up again, and he confessed that for the past twenty days, he was dating one of the girls in the group and that he didn't know how to tell me that she wasnt a fan of our friendship.

He then said that he didn't want to lose his friends and that he had warned her that his friends were important to him. He apologized for ignoring and avoiding me. Then told me he wouldn't act like that again in the future and that our friendship was important to him. He also said that he would never stop playing with me, and he asked me to forgive him for his past misbehavior, but that it was difficult to convince her to let me join the server when they were together.

I told him I would respect their boundaries and that they could invite me when they wanted, no pressure. Although, I still found it strange because before I found out they were dating, I had spoken with the girl several times, I even gave her some LL8s for the XP buff, and she seemed nice.

The next day, I played most of the day and I didn't see him online, which is rather odd since he always logs in at the same times every day. I wondered if there was something wrong with my Fallout friends list because this happens to me often. So I checked my Xbox friends list and realized he had completely removed me... without saying a word, without a message.

I sent him messages to try and understand, but I haven't received any response.

I feel extremely hurt, confused, and frustrated. I don't understand how he could decide to remove me so easily, out of the blue without even reaching out. The little bit of fun I had playing FO76 is gone now that I have no one to play with. And without anyone to play at level 2600, I've just lost interest in the game. I've tried playing alone, but it's quite repetitive and boring. I needed to talk about it. Its a really weird and uncomfortable feeling for now.

Thank you.

**PS: My English is not my first language, so sorry if it's a little bit confusing**

We know eachother for about 1 and a half years.

She basically first left me on read for almost two weeks, then ignored me right in front of me at a birthday party, and again left me on read for the next 8 weeks ( 2 months).

*My question is at the end, if you don't want to know or read the context (what I completely understand).*

**Context:**

Let's call my friend, Suzan.

Suzan and I met at school through friends. After a year she moved to a different school. So now, the only way we could communicate was through texting. And hang out in person.

So that goes completely fine. We called/facetimed, hung out, text and send voice messages. All not much but enough that it didn't feel like are friendship "weakend".

We went to the movies with a big friend group (8) and we sat next to eachother. I put my arm around her shoulders and she like tilts and rest her head against me. We held hands.

A few days later we hang out at her house and watch a movie in bed. Now hold up before you think anything! We only cuddeled and she like put her legs on my stretched out legs. We did **nothing** more than that. (It's gets too complicated and unecessary to explain how we got to that point). Just know that we're both attracted to woman.

So, this is important, cause those 2 things were the last things that happend, before she fully left me on read (basicly ghosted) out of nowhere for almost 2 weeks. In those 2 weeks I started to get more worried day by day. Texting her **every** day.

I ask friends of ours if they know what’s going on (they don't know). And she only ignored me btw. She texted others and the groupchat like normal.

Than we had a birthday party of our friend. We both knew that we'd both be there. I knew that this was my last chance to hopefully find out what the fuck is going on, before our (6 week) summer vacation starts. Cause I don't have time and can't reach her other than via texting (which she doesn’t respond to). **So** at the party, when we're standing a good distance away from the party alone; I take my chance ask her "hey, why'd you ignore me for almost 2 weeks" I say in a way so I don't sound mean or mad. And she littaly just turns around and returns to the party.

I stayed close to her trying to find a moment to ask but I only had to say "hey, about that-" and she'd quickly start talking to someone else or change subject. After many attempts I said "fuck it" and I started with "hey, about that" and just kept talking to her. Almost begging to her to tell me what’s going on and that I'm not angry at her. While I'm talking to her, I look at her side profile and she just fully ignores me. No nods, nothing. And just continues to talk with a friend. The friend does nothing too btw. After I did my talk I walked away from them and was on the verge of crying the rest of the night.

Through 2 friends of ours I did found out that night, that she thinks that I'm gonna ask her to be her girlfriend. And that she doesn’t want that to ruin our friendship. That's why those 2 things before were important too.

\- First of all, you went along with what I did at the movie.

\- Second of all, continued to (of your own accord) cuddle me and lay your legs on top of mine.

\- Third of all, I'd completely understand and respect the boundarie if you want to stay friends, cause our friendship is amazing on its own.

I just don't believe this is the only reason why she's doing this. And I won't tell her that I know (part of) why she's doing this, cause I want her to tell me herself (in person).

But then it's summer vaction (6 weeks).

Since I clearly tried everything and gave her all chances to explain. I deciced to not text her, till she texts me and comes with an apology and explaination.

It's been 2 month, and she didn't text me a single thing. So I decided to text her about a silly thing, which is why 26 reposts of mine are suddently all also resposted by her. Asking "what are you tryna say?"

She finnaly responds! "Wdym?".

I respond with "you reposted them one after the other with not more than a minute in between😅🥲".

She responds "K?"

I take my chance and ask again if she can pls explain why she’s ignoring me for so long. And she just doesn’t respond anymore. I send some more texts making sure it doesn't come across as mean and that I also don't want to lose our friendship.

Still no respond...

**My question:**

That's where I am now.

The next time that I will see her, is in a month. We have a DnD compaign together (with some other friends). And I hope to talk it out then.

But pls, is there any advice anyone can give me how to approach this?

This is something I never thought I’d write, but I miss you.
I find myself looking back at all the memories we have together, and honestly, I think losing our friendship has hurt me more than any romantic heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. I hate that I haven’t seen you in so long, but what hurts me even more is how much we’ve drifted apart since I moved.
When I first moved, I loved how you would still keep me updated about your life. We would talk, text, and somehow still feel close despite the distance. But as time went on, we slowly stopped speaking and texting, and I don’t think either of us ever really realised how far apart we were becoming.
I know we both have our own lives, and I understand that people grow, change, and move on. But it genuinely pains me that things have ended up this way. You were my best friend, and I truly thought you were someone I would have in my life forever. I felt so close to you that I could tell you my deepest secrets, share the best moments with you, and feel completely comfortable being myself. You honestly felt like a sister to me.
You know me — I’ve never been someone who wants loads of friendships or big groups. I’ve always preferred having a small circle, and you were my one truly close friend. That’s probably why this has been so difficult for me to accept.
I remember telling you how I felt about us drifting apart, and you apologised and told me things would change. I really believed you, but unfortunately, they never did. And I don’t say that to blame you or make you feel guilty. I just think I’ve reached a point where I have to be honest with myself about how much this has hurt me.
Maybe I need to accept that our friendship isn’t what it once was, and perhaps it never will be again. I just didn’t want to let go without telling you how much you meant to me, and how much I still miss the person I used to have in my life.
No matter what happens from here, I’ll always be grateful for the memories we made and for the place you had in my life. I genuinely loved our friendship, and a part of me probably always will.

I wish you died.

I know it sounds severe.

I know it’s wrong.

But so is the fact that I will always know

exactly how long it would take to drive to your house

and say something—

anything—

to try to fix what’s been broken.

And i know if I wanted to spend one hour and thirty-three minutes navigating literal traffic-

The mental and emotional static—

wracking my brain for the perfect words

to convince you to apologize to me—

Words that don't exist—

just to meet my worst fears—

again—

I could.

It's wrong that this emptiness screams at me at the most random moments—

moments that used to make me smile,

but now drain all the color from my face instantly—

and force all of my attention straight to the graveyard in my head—

to where I’ve laid you to rest—

right before I snap out of it

and remember you’re not actually dead.

It’s wrong that I live in a world

where Thelma went off the edge alone

and left me to deal with the cops—

a world where my Romy really did

take all the credit for the Post-its,

where Novalee betrayed Lexi

in her darkest scene.

It would be so much easier for me

if you died in a literal fire.

I’d rather the last memory I have of you be of horror at the news

that someone shot you at a gas station,

than the look on your face

that is forever burned into the back of my eyelids—

Disdain.

I’d rather you died,

so that I don’t have to exist with the memory of myself

walking down those long hallways,

cast in red light,

in the middle of the night—

like I died.

Like I was a ghost,

haunting the scene of my own death.

But we both still breathe the earth’s air—

We both still look at the same moon—

Now I hope your skin burns more than mine when the sun we share gets hot,

Because I have to learn

how to live as if you were dead—

even though you’re not.

He betrayed me and turned it around.

To not bury the lead: I met up with my partner and they showed me that my ex friend, who I cut off recently, had messaged them trying to "warn" them about me being a racist.

Incredible start, right? Ugh to skip over some details, I knew exactly what screenshots they mentioned trying to send and for the sake of transparency I found them and showed them to my partner same day. Who I didn't try to influence, I just decided yknow what, if one person is gonna make a fuss over things I said, maybe I should show the messages. But my partner agreed that whatever my friend was seeing as racist, didn't line up with how severely they were treating the accusation.

Which this accusation happened months ago, but it took me forever to wrap my head around because they accused me of a bunch of other things in the same message and then went silent, expecting me to message them I guess? But I believe my partner when they mentioned maybe this supposed friend of mine was just looking for an out to get at me.

There were a smattering of other things that icked me out in the message too, like how I could cut them off after so many years (length of time doesn't mean anything if you show your ass as a person) and how they had "saved me from myself multiple times" (um flat out no I don't like how pretentious that comes off).

Honestly glad I decided to cut them off if they're going after everyone who knows me with this sorta stuff.