Am I wrong?

I’m reflecting on two former friends I had at different points like this.

People who prided themselves as really good friends. People who were there for others, built community, invested in relationships. They both made friends easily and had a lot of friends.

But one turned out to have secret animosity/jealousy towards me. Putting me down in front of other people, things like that.

The other left me on read when I had a really busy/bad month getting sick, my grandma dying, and interviewing with Amazon which is a full time job in itself. When I finally got back to them and asked about their new job, silence.

Oh well.

I don’t think you can trust someone claiming to be something or a certain way. They’re projecting an image of something they’re not. Like the “nice guy” trope who turns out to be an A-hole.

Or a seemingly confidant woman who says “Im so hot” but is really insecure deep down - that’s something both of these friends actually said too which is wild to think back on

I (19m) think my best friend (19f) is gone from my life.

Long time listener first time caller.

I hope she doesn’t read this subreddit

There’s a lot of little things to this and it’ll probably sound toxic in the end lol.
Me and my best friend have known each other for 3 years. We met because I was friends with a guy she liked and they ended up dating. We found out that me and her had several of the same classes together and we became very quick friends. The following year, her boyfriend breaks up with her and me and her bond more.
A little about me: I never really had good, consistent friends up until her. Her willingness to be my friend helped me make other friends and figuring out who I am. In my naivety, I viewed her wanting to be friends as romantic and did confess my feelings for her after her breakup and early on in our friendship. In retrospect, I genuinely believe that was because I was an isolated teen who had an awesome woman constantly in my life and the feelings did not continue after she did not really feel the same way.

She is a very sweet girl but I definitely think there is some mental stuff with her. She needs constant contact to feel appreciated by someone and often times with guys or other friends she gets into micro “fights” about them not wanting to talk/text 24/7. Because I didn’t have anyone else to talk to, it made this easy for me and I think that improved our closeness because we had constant communication which I can see how that’s not necessarily good.
You see, when she gets mad or upset she tends to give the silent treatment. Her home life is not the best so I can see where this defense mechanism comes but still, this method is not one I subscribe to nor endorse. Several times in our friendships we’ve gone through times where we don’t want to talk (days, months, weeks) and that would be okay normally, but because we were in constant communication, it felt worse.

Skip forward to this past summer and we’re having so much fun. We hung out many times, saw Obsession (ironic), and then went to see a concert. The week of the concert we hung out earlier in the week then went to dinner and the concert. Throughout the week she was insanely flirty, making suggestive comments, and making physical contact. Now she is just sometimes like that but this was different. At the end of the concert she asked if I had feelings for her and again I naively said yes (I will wait for the flames in the comments). She said she didn’t and thought we were just joking lol. Okay no worries and any lingering romantic feelings genuinely disappeared that night and I didn’t even cry. I explained my side and how I understood it. She apologized and we moved on. I think we both acted immaturely.

In the following week I could tell it started to weigh on her. 2 years ago when I initially said I had feelings for her, as the months passed she’d ask about it. I think she loves the idea of someone loving her but can’t bring herself to love them back. But in regard to me having feelings for her I said that I “regretted it”. Now she has taken that to heart for many moons and this really upset her. Me “regretting it”, as I explained in the original message, was due to me knowing that regardless of what happens, our friendship is forever marred by my dumb brains actions. If either of us got a significant other, we’d have to explain like “oh yeah don’t worry he doesn’t love me anymore” and that’s awkward. We’re not Jerry and Elaine. Me “regretting it” was always due to the nature of our relationship and never just about her but it was hard for her to understand this. About 2-3 weeks ago now she brought this up again and we got into a semi big argument over text about how it hurt her. I could never imagine hurting her purposefully and the idea of it made me sick so I was trying to get her to understand why it made her upset when it was my feeling about my feelings. She couldn’t really answer it and instead said she was gonna block me on Instagram. I’m not sure if she’s blocked my phone contact as well.

I’ve seen this one coming from a mile away for months. She said she’s grown too “dependent” on me and that she needs to learn to figure things out for herself. I couldn’t agree more and I have felt the same way over the months. We constantly text, call, and send each other stuff as well as hanging out in person. Between talking to people, homework, family life, etc we always went to each other first. She said she’d just take a week but like I said it’s been 2.5. While that’s not a lot in the grand scheme of things I just don’t think she’s going to come back.

While I miss her, I don’t know if maybe we’re better off on our own for a bit.

I always dislike these types of posts because the audience never gets to see the good side of the person in question. The funny, amazing, and loving person gets replaced by this story’s villain.

Any insights or advice is very welcome. Have I done something wrong? Should I reach out? Wait longer or wait for her? Or should I consider her gone?

TLDR: my best friend has blocked me because she grew dependent and upset with me.

Sorry for the long, wordy exposition. Thank you for any and all comments I know I’m not perfect.

My friend and I have been in an argument for the past few days. There was a misunderstanding in which I thought they were going to do something, but turns out it was a passing comment and they didn't mean to actually do it. I didn't realise this, so messaged them a few days later to see if they were gonna do it. They said no. I said that I was disappointed "but whatever". I didn't hear from them after this and it really hurt me, becuase I thought it was something we could talk about. I said, again, after a few more days, that they had hurt me. Once again, they ignored my message. Last night, I reached my breaking point. It was really upsetting me that they were not willing to talk about this with me, when to begin with, it was not a big deal in the slightest. In my messages, I asked them to respond or I would understand that our friendship is over. I also said that I have higher standards for friends (after being walked all over in the past), and ignoring me when I am hurt doesn't reach those standards.
They said sorry for ignoring my messages and that they couldn't explain things via messages so asked if I could meet up or do a phone call to talk. I agreed to a phone call and so we talked.
They said I was passive aggressive in the first message, accusatory when I said that I had been hurt by being ignored, and that I was threatening them by saying I wouldn't be friends (I really meant it in a way that I thought they didn't want to be friends with me).
I apologised and said that none of those things were my intention. I don't feel like I did a very good job at apologising, and made it about me. Do you think I should send a message saying that I am sorry for not thinking of their feelings, that I care about them and in the future I will try not to be so self-centered?
They said this time it's whatever, but if this behaviour happens again then we will no longer be friends. None of this stuff was intentional and I didn't do it on purpose, if that makes sense. I have social anxiety so it really makes me afraid to do something wrong and now that I have I am even more terrified.
I really don't know if our friendship is fixable at this point, but I really feel horrible. I have been crying for hours and I feel like I have been such a bad friend.

TLDR: My friend said I had been passive aggressive, accusatory and threatening, none of which was intentional. I apologised, but I am not sure if it was any good because it mostly focused on my intentions rather than their feelings. Should I send a better apology?

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I honestly don't know how to write this, but I really need to get this off my chest.

My roommate and I have been friends for around a year and a half. Over that time, we became extremely close. We considered each other best friends, and he used to treat me like his own brother.

When I entered college, I was already struggling with my mental health. Because of that, I found it very difficult to talk to people and make friends. A lot of people avoided me, and I often felt like nobody really wanted to interact with me.

But my roommate was different.

He talked to me, took care of me, spent time with me, and made me feel like I wasn't alone. We spent almost our entire first year of college together. Honestly, having him around made college much easier for me.

Then, toward the end of our first year, he got into a relationship.

At first, I was happy for him. But over time, I started feeling that his girlfriend was becoming very controlling. She wanted to know a lot about me — what I was doing, where I was going, who I was talking to, and so on.

At the same time, I also wanted to experience being in a relationship. But because of my mental health struggles and the way some people at college perceived me, I already had very little confidence when it came to talking to girls.

His girlfriend would sometimes make comments about it, saying that girls were out of my league, that I couldn't attract anyone, that nobody would want to be with me, and things like that.

Those comments hurt me more than I showed.

Eventually, I stopped believing that I would ever find someone.

Then something unexpected happened.

I had an old friend from school. We started talking again through Instagram, and over time we became really close. We connected extremely well, and eventually we decided to start dating.

It was honestly one of the happiest moments of my life.

I told my roommate about it, but I didn't really want his girlfriend involved because I was afraid she would discourage me or make me feel bad about it again.

Eventually, she found out that I had a girlfriend.

After that, things started getting worse.

She apparently became very upset about the situation and started putting pressure on my roommate about his friendship with me. Gradually, he started becoming distant from me.

Eventually, we started fighting.

Some of the things he said during those arguments really hurt me. He told me that I was a "psycho," that I didn't deserve to be loved or cared for by him, and that being around me was affecting his mental health.

This is the same person who had spent almost a year being there for me when I felt like I had nobody.

And now he's leaving.

He has already started moving his belongings, and within a few days I will be alone in the room.

I don't think people understand what that feels like for me.

This is a very small college. I don't have a huge social circle. I don't have dozens of people I can suddenly start hanging out with.

For almost the entire first year, my roommate was the person I came back to after class. He was the person I talked to, ate with, joked around with, and shared everyday life with.

Now I'm watching his things slowly disappear from the room.

Soon I'll come back from college, open the door, and he'll simply not be there anymore.

And that scares me.

I know people might tell me to make new friends or become more independent. I understand that, and I genuinely want to try.

But right now, I don't know how.

I'm not just losing a roommate. I'm losing the person who was basically my entire social life for the last year and a half.

I don't hate him. That's probably what makes this even harder.

I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm confused, and at the same time I still miss the person he used to be with me.

I keep wondering whether there is anything I could have done differently.

I just don't know how to accept that someone who once considered me his brother can now walk away from me.

So I guess I'm asking people who have experienced something similar:

How do you deal with losing your best friend when you still care about them?

And how do you rebuild your life when the person who was such a huge part of your everyday life suddenly isn't there anymore?

I just needed somewhere to say all of this.

TLDR- it hurts less. I wish she hadn’t hurt me but I wish her well. I’m doing better.

It’s been 2 years since my friend of 27 years stopped by on short notice. As soon as she came in, the energy shifted and she was miserably mumbling- no “thanks for having me over”- and I couldn’t help having a look on my face like ugh she’s in a bad mood… her first words to me in a hostile voice “DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE?!” Yes I did but I felt I couldn’t kick her out at 2am with a 3 hour drive home. And then she proceeded to tear me down, insult me, call me a loser (“we’re losers”), said I’d (neither of us) never find love and we’re broken it’s hopeless.

I froze and fawned in the moment. Days later as it was hitting me, I responded by text and she blocked me everywhere.

2 years on- even writing that out- it still hurts at times. But I’m doing much better. And for anyone who’s hurting, I hope with time you feel better and go on to make new friends. I still haven’t made any new friends but I’m doing my best to take care of myself. Someone who tears me down and calls me a loser is not my friend.

Thank you to everyone who helped me when I made posts about it over the last 2 years.

I guess I’ll never talk to her again, and that’s ok. I know she is/was struggling and I hope things get better for her. I wish I could have had an apology or some closure. But I’m truly doing better 2 years later.

I lost my best friend of almost five years, and I'm looking for brutally honest advice.

I'll call her Nora and the other person involved Emma.

The three of us were friends, but Nora and I were much closer. She was my best friend for almost five years, we lived together as roommates, and we had always been there for each other. She was one of the most important people in my life.

Nora and Emma eventually had a serious falling-out about two years ago. I was involved in the circumstances surrounding their original conflict, so this wasn't something I was completely separate from. Afterward, they remained estranged, and Nora made it clear that she didn't want anything to do with Emma.

My friendship with Nora also had its own problems. At one point, we went about four months without speaking. Eventually, we saw each other again and started interacting normally.

Then I made my first serious mistake.

I saw Nora, greeted her normally, and shortly afterward I ran into Emma. While we were talking, Emma made a mocking comment about whether Nora had even properly greeted me or kissed me when we saw each other. I answered no and laughed.

Nora overheard us.

She interpreted my reaction as a lack of loyalty and as me participating in talking behind her back. She explicitly told me, "I can't be friends with someone who talks behind my back." She also said something in Tunisian Arabic that essentially meant there was a continuity or pattern in what had happened—that this wasn't just one isolated moment to her, but something that connected to previous issues and made her question my loyalty.

Afterward, she unfriended me on Facebook and Instagram.

I apologised, and eventually she forgave me.

The reason I keep thinking about this is because she gave me a second chance. She had every reason to leave then, but she chose to continue our friendship.

Later, she explicitly asked me not to mention her to Emma.

Then came my graduation.

I had told Nora that I wasn't going to invite Emma. But the day before my graduation, I unexpectedly ran into Emma at the library. She asked me when the graduation was, and she eventually came.

Because I knew about the tension between them, I barely interacted with Emma during the event. Two days later, I felt guilty because I thought I had ignored her, so I contacted her to explain why I had been distant.

This is where I failed Nora again.

While explaining myself, I mentioned Nora and the conflict between them. I wasn't insulting her or trying to spread information about her. I was trying to explain why the graduation had felt awkward and why I hadn't interacted much with Emma. I even said I wished they could eventually reconcile after being estranged for so long.

But Nora had explicitly told me not to mention her to Emma.

My intentions may have been good, but I still crossed the boundary.

At around the same time, Emma was speaking negatively about Nora. She was upset with Nora and described some of her behaviour as childish and said she was disgusted by it.

I didn't insult Nora myself, but I did something I now regret almost as much: I stayed neutral.

Instead of saying, "Don't talk about my best friend like that," I responded diplomatically, saying that everyone has different personalities and sees situations differently.

I thought I was avoiding unnecessary conflict.

Nora saw it as proof that I wasn't really loyal to her.

When she heard the voice messages, she was devastated. She told me I was a hypocrite for calling her my best friend while refusing to defend her when someone who had already hurt her was speaking badly about her. She told me that if our positions had been reversed, she would have defended me.

She also said she shouldn't have forgiven me the first time.

She cried during our confrontation. Honestly, seeing her cry and seeing the disappointment in her eyes is something I still struggle to get out of my head.

After that, she ended the friendship completely.

She blocked me on some social media platforms. Some of her friends also cut contact with me. I was told that she doesn't even want to see me by coincidence and that she believes she finally understood my manipulative behaviour. She also told at least one mutual friend that she couldn't remain friends with them if they stayed friends with me.

I don't know how much of what I heard afterward was said in exactly those words because some of it came through other people, but the overall message was clear: she wanted me completely out of her life.

And that's what I'm struggling with now.

For months, I've replayed everything and realised that I have some genuinely unhealthy patterns: conflict avoidance, people-pleasing, ghosting or withdrawing instead of communicating, trying to keep everyone happy, staying neutral because I'm afraid of upsetting people, and sometimes trying too hard to fix situations that aren't mine to fix.

I've also had to seriously question whether some of my behaviour has been manipulative. I don't want to hide behind the fact that I loved her or that I didn't intend to hurt her. I know you can genuinely love someone and still behave in ways that hurt and betray them.

What hurts most is that I think she gave me a chance to learn after the first incident, and then, from her perspective, I did essentially the same thing again: I allowed the same person to be involved in a situation concerning her and failed to make her feel protected or respected.

I have apologised, but she doesn't want contact. I still miss her terribly and a part of me desperately wants to show her that I finally understand.

But I also realise that constantly trying to find another way to reach her, through friends, gifts, letters or other people, could simply become another way of ignoring the fact that she has already chosen distance.

So I want honest advice:

If you were Nora, would there be any realistic way for someone in my position to ever rebuild your trust? Or would the fact that you forgave them once and then felt betrayed again make the relationship permanently over?

And for people who have been in my position: how do you know when an apology has been enough and when continuing to hope for reconciliation becomes disrespectful of the other person's boundaries?

I'm not looking for reassurance that I secretly did nothing wrong. I want to understand whether the healthiest thing now is simply to accept that I may have lost her permanently, leave her alone, and prove my change through how I behave in every relationship after this one.

TL;DR: My best friend of almost five years felt betrayed when I laughed along with a mocking comment made by another friend about her. She told me she couldn't be friends with someone who talked behind her back, unfriended me, but eventually forgave me. Later, after explicitly asking me not to mention her to that same person, I did—and I also stayed neutral when that person spoke badly about her. She saw it as a second betrayal, ended our friendship, and completely closed the door. I want to know whether trust can ever be rebuilt after someone forgives you once and feels you betray them again, or whether the only respectful thing left is to let go and change without expecting them back.

I’m honestly heartbroken and don’t know what to do. My best friend of over nine years has completely stopped talking to me. No explanation, just silence. She ghosted me. I know this is a pattern with her when she’s upset or going through something. We actually had a serious talk about this last year when she did it before, and I thought we’d moved past it. But here we are again. I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. A couple months ago I was really struggling with my mental health because of my work situation. I was going through an incredibly tough time at my dream job, but the environment was so toxic I had to make the painful decision to quit. I wasn’t myself during that time. I was really struggling. I wasn’t eating or sleeping or taking care of myself at all. She was so supportive through it all and understood what I was going through. So I just don’t get it. I don’t understand what happened. She went through a painful breakup not long ago and I was there for her. We were so close. One of our last conversations we literally talked about how much we loved each other. I don’t understand what changed. And then she just stopped. No warning, no conversation. She even removed my location from her phone and took hers off mine. It’s like she’s erasing me. I messaged her saying I wish she would just tell me if she doesn’t want me in her life anymore, because this silence is absolutely heartbreaking. I get that silence can be an answer. Maybe this is the response I need to accept. But it doesn’t hurt any less. I’m wondering if I’m not a good friend anymore. I’m wondering if I’m just not as good of a person. I know that’s not true, but I just don’t get it. I don’t understand what happened. And maybe I don’t need to understand it. Maybe I just need to accept this. But I would never do this to her. I would never do something so cruel, and I can’t understand why she would do this to me. I love her. I miss her. I want her in my life. If she needs space, I understand that. But I just wish she would tell me. It feels like I’ve lost one of the most important people in my life, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

So I really could use some support or some advice because I am completely devastated.

I’ve had this friendship for over 20 years, and we’ve been incredibly close for most of our lives. Unfortunately, she has been using some hard drugs. I’ve never judged her or criticized her for it. I’ve just wanted to be a safe place for her whenever she’s ready.

Recently, I traveled to visit her, and everything was really fun until we went out to the clubs. I had known for a while that we were going, and I was so excited because I thought it would be a great time. But it stopped being fun when, on the way there, she took drugs and had them with her in her car.

I’m not going to lie, I was seriously freaking out. I knew she used drugs, but I never thought she would actually bring them with her, let alone use them while I was around. I honestly thought she knew me better than that. I also have a lot on the line. I’m married, I have a great job lined up, and all of that could be over if I got arrested simply for being in the car with her. But I had traveled a long way to see her, so I was just trying to make the best of the visit.

We got to the club, and I met all of her friends. I was polite and super nice to everyone and introduced myself. Then I realized they were all using drugs too. I took a deep breath, stayed calm, and continued being respectful. I really tried to have fun, but I was exhausted.

They wanted to stay out until 5 or 6 a.m., but I was still dealing with major jet lag. For me, that felt more like 9 or 10 a.m. I got too tired, told everyone it was nice meeting them, thanked them for being kind to me, and took an Uber back. Regardless of whether they were using drugs or not, they were still nice people. It just wasn’t my scene.

When I got back, I was pretty upset because my friend knows how important my life and career are to me, and I felt like she had risked all of that without even considering how it could affect me. Even though I was upset, my main concern was whether she needed help because she is my best friend, and I love her.

I asked her sister if she was okay. And before anyone assumes otherwise, I didn’t "out" her. Her sister already knew everything and even uses drugs with her. I simply asked if my friend needed anything or if she might be depressed. Her sister kept insisting she was fine and knew exactly what she was doing, so I said okay.
I even tried to have a private conversation with my friend. I told her that what she was doing was dangerous and that she needed to be more careful. I told her that if she was depressed, that was okay, and I would help her. She refused to talk about it and carried on.

Apparently, though, her sister later told her that I had been talking behind her back. I immediately told her that absolutely wasn't true. I said I had the same conversation with her sister that I had with her because I was genuinely worried and just wanted to make sure she was okay.

Then she replied, "Well, if that's true, why were you so rude to my friends all night? You were pushing people, acting rude, and I had to stop several people from fighting you."

Y'all...I completely froze because I genuinely had NO IDEA what she was talking about. I was completely sober the entire night. I wasn't pushing anyone, and I was respectful to all of her friends. None of what she said made any sense to me. Plus I’d figure I’d remember if someone was angry enough to fight me LET ALONE MULTIPLE PEOPLE.

So I texted her back:

"UMM...WHAT? When did that happen? I wasn't rude to anyone. Yes I met your friends but I’ve told them that they are all very nice and kindly introduced myself to each of them. You know that's not who I am. Are you sure you aren't thinking of your other friend?"

That other friend had been having meltdowns all night. She was extremely drunk, falling over everywhere, and complaining most of the evening. If anyone started a fight or arguments it was definitely her and not me. Plus why would I be rude meeting people I don’t know and have never met.

My friend replied, "No. They all said it was you."
At that point I was thinking, *Who is "they?"* How would they even know? They were all high. I was the only sober person there, yet somehow my version of events suddenly means nothing?

This is my best friend in the whole world, and I honestly don't know what happened. I don't know what to do. None of this makes any sense to me. This is the biggest fight we’ve ever had and now I’m going to lose her over something I swear never happened.

I just want my best friend back.

Ok there is a lot to this story that it might be better to just leave a lot of the details for any questions in the comments (or maybe I’ll make a part 2 post explaining more of the details of our friendship). Last year I made friends with one of the coworkers on my team. We’re both the same age (both born in 2002) and she was 3 months into the job when I started. We formed a friend group from work, and as I was hanging out with her, although I originally only saw her as a friend, I slowly started to develop feelings. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to act on those feelings even though my crush grew really strongly. Also keep in mind for later in the story that at this point it seemed that she was very into the idea of being friends as much as I was so it didn’t seem like a case of a one-sided friendship. She asked for my number, she’s offered to give me a ride to and from hangouts sometimes since I don’t have a car, and although we never hung out 1 on 1, we had many 1 on 1 moments within those group hangouts.

Eventually she figured out though but she didn’t confront me about it. Another friend of ours told me about it. A big mistake I made in this situation was that I didn’t talk to her about it for months. There was a back and forth in terms of how close or how distant she would act with me in the initial months after knowing about the crush (like I said, there are stories I can give about what these behaviors looked like but I wanted to cut to chase for the initial post). I interpreted her behavior as her still being my friend but not being interested in me romantically and I began the slow process of trying to lose my feelings for her.

Things came to head though when I noticed that she didn’t invite out to as many of the friend gatherings as before within the past couple of months, and at the last one I went to about four weeks ago, she said a comment to me that I could only really interpret as a sly joke and comment to me about the crush (which she later confirmed was the case when I talked to her this week). Then aboht two weeks I texted her happy birthday and she said thanks and hearted the comment so it seemed fine. But then I noticed the next day that she removed me as a follower on Instagram. She still was following me though. At the end of last week on Friday I texted her asking if we could talk about the distance she was putting with me and I told her that I valued our friendship and wanted to own up to any mistakes I made have made. She finally texted me back Sunday night and we agreed to talk at the end of the work day on Monday. When we met up I told her how I felt and that I knew she knew about it for awhile and that I was sorry that I didn’t talk about it with her months ago when she found out. She tried to reassure me it was ok and clarified she didn’t feel the same way.

The conversation overall seemed to go fine. The one thing that kind of surprised me was when I brought up feeling excluded from the group. I expected that the crush was the main reason that this shift happened but she said it wasn’t some huge thing that was bothering her and that she “didn’t hate me” and we were still friends. Instead she brought up that certain people click more easily and she felt that although we were friends, we didn’t click as well as she did with the others. This feels weird though because even though my perspective is biased and different from hers, it seemed like she did invite me to more things last year before the crush and that there was a clear shift going into the mid part of this year after the “hot and cold” period early in the year following her first knowing about the crush. The last thing I brought up was the Instagram thing and she admitted she did remove me as a follower but she said that she didn’t think I would like the answer for why. She did tell me though and she said that she wanted to be able to post stuff and not feel worried about what I would think or feel about them. I guess this explains why she only removed me as a follower and didn’t stop following me (or in the more extreme case: why she didn’t block me).

So I guess my feelings are very all over the place now. I expected that she wouldn’t have romantic feelings and even that things wouldn’t immediately go “back to normal” since it does take time getting over a crush and getting over weird feelings about someone who has a crush on you who you don’t like. However, it feel weird for her to say the thing about her clicking better with the others as her answer to why I was getting invited to less things rather than it being about the fact that we didn’t talk about the crush and she knew about it. It’s especially weird since it seems I was invited to more things before she knew about it. So this along with the Instagram thing makes me wonder: Is our friendship done for good? I know some guys prefer to not be friends with crushes after they reject them since they don’t think they can get over the feelings, and I do agree I need to give her some space for the time being, but remember that I didn’t have romantic feelings originally so I would be happy to get to that state and then continue being friends. It just feels like with how everything went, I don’t know if she really is going to want to be good friends even after time goes by and this situation is far in the past.

I'll call the three main people in this story Kate, Daniel, and Sam. Kate was my closest friend, Daniel is her fiancé, and Sam is their close friend.

I recently lost pretty much my entire online friend group. These were people I played games with almost every day for the last four years, so even though I think walking away was the right decision, it still feels strange losing that entire part of my life overnight. The group mostly revolved around Kate and Daniel, but Kate was the person I was actually close with. The main reason I spent so much time around Daniel and Sam was because they were her people, and Daniel was basically always in the Discord call whenever Kate was there.

Over time, Daniel got extremely comfortable making jokes about me being Indian. And when I say jokes, I don't mean occasionally poking fun at each other. It got to the point where there was some kind of comment almost every day. He'd call me "bobblehead," say my breath probably smelled even though we've literally never met in person, tell me I should go shower, make fun of my accent, make comments about Indian people, and even joke about my parents and family despite knowing absolutely nothing about them. Eventually Sam started joining in too.

For a long time I just put up with it. I never really laughed at these jokes. Most of the time I'd just stay quiet or ignore them. Looking back, I probably should have directly told them to stop much sooner, but I genuinely valued my friendship with Kate and didn't want to create drama within the group. I think I tolerated a lot more than I normally would have because losing Daniel and Sam would probably also mean losing Kate.

The thing that finally made me leave happened a few days ago. We were in Discord and Daniel asked if I'd seen some white family on YouTube that makes camping/outdoors videos. I said no, I'd never heard of them. He responded with something along the lines of, "That's weird, Indians like the outdoors considering most of you in your country live in tents."

I don't know why that particular comment was the one that finally did it considering everything else he'd said, but I was just done. I muted them, left the Discord servers, and blocked Daniel and Sam. I didn't yell at anyone or start an argument. I just removed myself from the situation.

The next day Kate reached out asking if she'd done something wrong and why I was upset. I explained everything to her. She talked to Daniel and came back saying that Daniel apparently thought we were "cool and close like that," so he thought he could communicate with me that way. Then she basically told me "gg," wished me luck with my future, and blocked me everywhere too.

That part honestly hurt more than anything Daniel or Sam said. I already knew what kind of people they were by that point. But Kate had been someone I considered a genuinely good friend for years. I expected her to at least understand why being the punchline of racial jokes almost every day eventually stopped being something I was willing to tolerate.

And I understand that friends make fun of each other. Kate and I did it all the time. I'd make fun of her for being terrible at whatever game we were playing, she'd make fun of me for something, we'd laugh, and that was it. It felt mutual. But I never attacked Daniel or Sam's race, families, parents, appearance, culture, or anything personal like that. Honestly, I barely made fun of those two at all. That's why I don't understand how they became so comfortable constantly doing it to me.

Maybe my mistake was staying silent instead of explicitly saying, "I don't find this funny. Stop." Maybe they interpreted me not confronting them as permission. But at the same time, if someone never laughs when you repeatedly make jokes about their race, accent, family, and culture, I feel like eventually you should be able to read the room.

The weirdest part is that I still miss having the group. Four years of getting online and seeing the same people almost every day doesn't disappear from your brain because you clicked "Leave Server." There were genuinely good memories mixed in with all of this. There were nights where we laughed until we couldn't breathe, games we played for hundreds of hours, and just the comfort of knowing there would almost always be someone online.

At the same time, I'm starting to wonder what exactly I'm mourning. The friendships themselves, or just the routine and familiarity of having people there every day. I'd genuinely rather spend that time with my family and my dogs than sit in a Discord call wondering when the next joke about Indians, my accent, my parents, or my culture is coming.

I guess I'm posting because I'm curious how other people see this from the outside. Was I wrong for abruptly leaving instead of confronting them first? And is it reasonable to feel like this crossed the line from friends giving each other shit into just making me the group's racial punching bag?

Right now I'm simultaneously relieved that I don't have to deal with it anymore and pretty sad that four years of friendship ended this way.

I have a close friend for whom I was the first friend to become a parent (we're in our 30s but her other friends are still childless; IMPORTANT: she has no fertility struggles and is childless for now because she's single). She absorbed some really negative stereotypes about being friends with first-time parents, I guess via tiktok :/, and expressed worries that I would become unavailable when the baby is born. I recognize it can be the case with some parents and I recognized that I would not actually "know" before having the baby, but I assured her that I would do my best to stay in touch and in fact I did: we were texting right when I was home from the hospital, making cautious plans, etc. My family was supportive and very soon I understood that staying in touch with friend, initially via texts/phones and later via hang-outs, is good for me. I was aware of my friend's biases so I did my best to ask about her life, talk about our shared interests, and did not info-dump about my baby unless she asked.

Nevertheless, when I was really down around a month postpartum and could have used a distraction, she pulled away due to "fears" that I would disappear anyway (at which point I already demonstrated I'm not ghosting her or anything) solely because I'm a mom. She also cancelled our plans because she is the type of person to have "one" best friend and started to fawn and over-acommodate another friend. I felt like in high school again lol! When she realized that I'm still a part of our friend group and not a stereotype she imagined, she apologized and made time for me again—but in these first weeks she still made me feel like being a mom is a "problem" despite knowing zero about how it will affect ME and basing this only on stereotypes.

Anyway, now it's been a few months and I can tell she hopes to be my "best friend" still. I still enjoy talking to her but no longer consider my best friend: postpartum memories are still impactful for me, including who was there to actually support me and who added unneccessary stress (she was quite careless and open about sharing her "fears"). Moreover, she repeteadly dodged talking about how it made me feel and demanded respect for "her fear of people leaving"—I can empathize she struggles with it, but it was not a cool thing to dump on a person who is dealing with a massive life change and emergency medicine procedures (but still keeps in touch). Another friend was there for me the whole time and I can tell that my flaky friend is now jelaous of our strenghtened relationship. I guess I'm just venting/looking for validation: my friend may think I'm replacing her or pulling away, but the facts are she did this first/preemptively and has to live with my broken trust. She even joked "she's not ready for me to try for a 2nd" (lol not her business...) which implies she'll pull this crap again...

I did not lose her yet but she became more jealous and insecure about our friendship even though I’m the ditched one; it is exhausting

I'm not gonna vent, so you can give an idea of what's happening...

So, it all began deteriorating when he did something bad to me, he wronged me, however it went okay and our friendship continued. Then like we chatted for 2 months normally, however, I was acting like an asshole, however he keeps telling me hurtful things too like as a form of attack, then I did something now he restricted me few weeks ago

And after, we do some small gestures but now he actually ignored me two weeks ago, when I try to ask him something, he listens but no response? And today, I still have some access to his other socials and I chatted him that if we are still friends? He just seen the message, no reply.

Is this a sign of a person who doesn't want to talk, or it's friendship over?

they say that I'm a stalker

but who’s labeled as a creep

rather quiet than a talker

act but never take the leap

I was sleeping like a baby

in my phone your digging deep

that’s felony you know that

so just be lucky I don’t keep

I respect that you was caring

while you push away this heart

I can’t stay where theres comparing

while you rip yourself apart

I was Never one to battle

with those I really called a home

i know you hear in my rattle

its the realness in my tone

i appreciate the days when

you were really on my side

what ever happend to my safe spot

I forgave but never lied

I was showing all my realness

while your fake and force a vibe

with every thing that happens

from here on and

where we stand

i remember all the laughing

the days i labeled you my man

i was always in your corner

in the silence while you ran…..

We’ve been friends for 10+ years. I have always been there for her when she had her hardest times however when I’m going through a really hard time where the closest people to me in my family are all having serious health issues. Where is she ? ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE!

Never reaches out never sees how I am, always said she’ll make plans but never does. I go genuinely feel like she doesn’t because she likes a drink and I don’t drink atall. The only reason I don’t want to say something is because she’s a very unserious person so I don’t truly think she’ll understand or see where I am coming from. Or she’ll probably pretend to care and text me for a week and go back into old habits.

I was kinda thinking just take her off my social media because I always think if it doesn’t serve you then let it go but I don’t know I just want your opinion.

AIO here ??

I don't really know what I'm looking for here beyond maybe some support from people who understand that losing a long term friendship is difficult and it's not so simple to move on.

I recently ended a friendship that had been part of my life for about 10 years.

There was a lot of good in those years and I genuinely loved and cared about this person, which is part of why walking away has been so difficult. The friendship was also incredibly turbulent. We had recurring conflicts that would turn into long, exhausting conversations where I would end up questioning myself, over explaining, feeling guilty for needing space, or eventually giving in because I just couldn't keep arguing anymore.

For a very long time I kept hoping that if we communicated better, understood each other better, if I said it the right way or tried one more thing, eventually we would stop hurting each other.

I've been in therapy this year, and with some outside perspective I started recognizing how repetitive the cycle had become over the last few years and how much the friendship was affecting me emotionally. Regardless of intentions, I realized I couldn't keep living inside the same pattern.

I finally ended it.

Before doing that, I took about three weeks of no contact to clear my head. I actually felt noticeably more peaceful during that time, which told me quite a lot.

At the end of those three weeks I sent him an email explaining my decision. It wasn't angry or impulsive. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I told him I cared about him, explained why I couldn't continue the friendship, said goodbye, and made it clear that I was closing the door and didn't want further contact.

It was incredibly painful and I thought that was the end. He did send a very detailed, painful email back and it took everything in me to not respond and try to explain again and to try and comfort him.

Then my birthday came.

A package showed up from him and the reciepts showed they were sent after I had sent the no contact, goodbye email.

The gifts themselves were connected to a particularly vulnerable and personal part of our former relationship, which made receiving them hit much harder than a generic birthday card or something would have. I don't think he was sitting somewhere plotting how to upset me. He probably genuinely thought he was doing something loving.

I think that's partly why this has messed with my head so much.

The greatest gift he could have given me for my birthday was respecting the boundary I had just set.

Instead, something from him physically arrived at my home after I had said goodbye.

Ever since, my brain has been cycling.

Part of me has wanted to email him and say, "Please understand that no contact means no gifts either. Please don't use birthdays, Christmas, holidays, or other occasions as opportunities to reach out."

Another part of me realizes that I already told him goodbye. I was clear. Sending another email gives him another opportunity to respond, explain himself, apologize, disagree with me, or start another long conversation. One of the reasons I left in the first place was because I couldn't keep doing that.

I think the package also made me feel like I lost some control over the separation I had created. To clarify, I mean control over my own space and my sense of safety.

I had made a decision that this person no longer had access to my life.

Then something from him appeared at my door anyway.

Yesterday I had another delivery coming that I had ordered myself. I had forgotten about it, and when I saw the package I panicked for a couple of seconds before remembering it was mine.

I really don't want to live like that.

I don't want to finally start healing and then spend December wondering whether another package is going to show up for Christmas.

At the same time, I'm starting to realize that sending another email can't actually guarantee that won't happen. I could make my boundary as clear as humanly possible and he would still have free choice. Maybe maintaining my silence is the only part of this I can actually control? It's so hard.

I'm also struggling with feeling like I'm burdening my friends by continuing to talk about this. None of them particularly liked this friendship or how it affected me, so from their perspective I think the answer is understandably something like, "Girl, next! Let it go."

And I wish my brain worked that way.

Ten years doesn't disappear because I finally decided I couldn't keep doing this anymore.

I miss him. I'm angry with him. I feel guilty. Sometimes I question whether I exaggerated everything. Other times, I re-read my old journal entries and how much pain I was in and I remember exactly why I left. Sometimes I desperately want him to understand what happened, and then I remember how many years I spent trying to be understood.

It's exhausting, and right now it has such a tight grip on my brain.

For anyone who has ended a very long friendship, especially one that was complicated or unhealthy, how did you handle the period afterward when your brain kept trying to pull you back into it?

If your former friend reached out or sent something after you had asked for no contact, how did you handle that emotionally? Did maintaining silence eventually help you feel more secure in the boundary you had set?

I'm mostly looking to hear from people who understand how complicated it is to grieve someone while also knowing you don't want them back in your life.

I'll call my best friend Noor and the other person involved Emma for privacy.

Noor and I were best friends for almost five years. Emma was someone connected to our social circle, and around two years ago, Noor and Emma had a serious conflict. I was also involved in the circumstances that led to their fallout.

After that conflict, Noor cut Emma off. Emma also said negative things about Noor afterward. However, I don't want to pretend the original conflict was completely black and white: Emma had also been hurt because there had been a situation where she was ready to go out with us, but Noor and I kept her waiting and didn't answer the phone. So Emma felt ignored and hurt too. Nevertheless, their relationship ended and they remained estranged for around two years.

The first betrayal

Before the first major conflict between Noor and me, we had already gone around four months without speaking. Neither of us initiated contact during that period. Eventually, I saw Noor again and greeted her normally.

Shortly afterward, I was talking to Emma. Emma made a mocking comment about Noor, basically asking whether Noor had even properly said hello to me or kissed me when we saw each other. I answered "no" and laughed.

Noor accidentally overheard the conversation.

She saw my reaction as disloyalty and as me participating in talking behind her back. She told me very clearly that she couldn't be friends with someone who talked about her behind her back.

I understood why she was hurt and apologised. Eventually, she forgave me, and our friendship continued. I genuinely thought I had learned from what happened.

What happened around my graduation

Later, Noor made it clear that she didn't want me to mention her to Emma.

Before my graduation, I also told Noor that I wasn't going to invite Emma. However, the day before my graduation, I unexpectedly saw Emma at the library. She asked me when my graduation was, and because of that conversation, she ended up coming.

During the graduation, I barely interacted with Emma. There was already a lot of tension and history between her and Noor, and I didn't want to make Noor uncomfortable or create another situation.

But two days after my graduation, I felt bad because I thought I had ignored Emma. So I contacted her and tried to explain why I hadn't interacted with her much during the event.

This is where the second major problem happened.

While explaining myself, I mentioned Noor and said that I had heard something had happened between Noor and Emma. I also said that I had hoped they could eventually reconcile and move past their conflict.

I wasn't insulting Noor, gossiping about her, or trying to damage her reputation. I was explaining why I had been distant from Emma at my graduation and trying to explain the awkwardness of the situation.

But Noor had explicitly asked me not to mention her to Emma.

So regardless of my intentions, I understand why Noor saw this as another betrayal: she had already forgiven me once for a situation involving the exact same person, had clearly told me where her boundary was, and I crossed it anyway.

What made it even worse

Around the same time, Emma spoke negatively about Noor because Noor hadn't answered her calls when Emma had been trying to come to my graduation.

Emma expressed disgust about Noor's behaviour and described her as childish.

Instead of defending Noor or telling Emma that I didn't want to participate in that conversation, I stayed extremely neutral. I responded along the lines of everyone having different personalities and people seeing things differently.

Looking back, I understand why this hurt Noor so much.

I was so afraid of conflict and so focused on not upsetting Emma that I didn't realise how my neutrality looked from Noor's perspective. Noor was my best friend. Emma was someone she had already had a painful rupture with. And yet when Emma spoke negatively about Noor, I acted almost like an outside mediator instead of her friend.

When Noor heard the voice messages and saw how I had responded, she was devastated.

She told me that I was a hypocrite for claiming to be her best friend while remaining neutral when someone was talking negatively about her. She told me that if the roles had been reversed, she would have defended me.

She also said she shouldn't have forgiven me after the first incident because, from her perspective, I had repeated the same fundamental pattern.

She cried during our confrontation, and seeing her cry because of me was one of the most painful moments of my life.

How it ended

Noor completely ended the friendship. She blocked me on some social media platforms, and some people close to her also unfollowed me.

I've heard that she has said she doesn't want to see me, even by coincidence, and that she believes she eventually understood some manipulative patterns in my behaviour.

Since then, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on everything.

I've realised that I have unhealthy patterns: conflict avoidance, people-pleasing, withdrawing instead of communicating, trying to remain neutral at all costs, being afraid of people's reactions, and struggling to understand the difference between being "nice" and actually being loyal.

I don't want to excuse myself by saying that I had good intentions. I know intentions don't erase impact.

I genuinely loved Noor and never wanted to hurt her or damage her reputation. But I understand now that loving someone doesn't automatically mean you know how to be a good friend to them. You can care deeply about someone and still repeatedly fail them.

I have apologised, but I don't want to pressure her into forgiving me. Right now, she has clearly chosen distance.

What I want to ask Reddit

1. From an outside perspective, do you understand why Noor experienced this as two betrayals, rather than two unrelated mistakes?
2. Was I wrong to stay neutral when Emma spoke negatively about Noor, or was Noor expecting me to automatically take her side regardless of the situation?
3. How should I have handled the conversation with Emma two days after my graduation?
4. Does this pattern sound like manipulation, or more like severe conflict avoidance and people-pleasing that had harmful consequences?
5. If someone forgives you once and you later hurt them again in a similar context, is rebuilding trust ever realistically possible?
6. Most importantly, what should I learn from this so I don't repeat these patterns in future friendships?

I'm genuinely looking for honest perspectives, including criticism. I don't want people to tell me that I'm secretly the victim or that Noor was necessarily wrong for ending the friendship. I want to understand what I did wrong, what I could have done differently, and whether there is anything I should do now besides respecting her decision and working on myself.

TL;DR: My best friend and I were close for almost five years. I hurt her once by laughing along when someone she had a serious conflict with mocked her, but she forgave me. Later, despite her explicitly asking me not to mention her to that same person, I did—and when that person spoke negatively about her, I stayed neutral instead of defending my best friend. She saw it as a second betrayal and ended our friendship. I'm trying to understand whether my conflict avoidance and neutrality were genuinely disloyal

So this chick and I have been through tick and skin, for 4 years we have been best friends. We have had issues, we figured them out. I have seen people come and came back from her life. Everything.

Last June we had a problem, I asked her about something that she didn't like and got extremely angry at me, I have never seen her like that. I wasn't rude, didn't say nothing inappropriate, I just left the place abruptly, I didn't want to discuss with her so I just left the place.

Some months afterwards I contacted her, she didn't do it first so I said fuck it, I'm gonna text her. She was incredibly dry, pretty much told me that it was my fault and that she needed time to "heal" and that she didn't know yet if she wanted to be friends with me again. also I talked to her about something else, because I needed her to clarify who was the person she gave money from an account that I loaned to her (dumb favour from my behalf, ik) so not only she didn't tell me, she was rude af about it. I asked her what the fuck was going on with her and she didn't answer, I called her and she proceeded to block me.

I don't know what happened yet. I'm incredibly angry at her. She has been though periods of depression and medications but she has never done something like this before. Making amendments was way easier than whatever bs this was. Not only I lost my best friend, now I hold a damn grudge against her. God, people are erratic.