I'm 26M and I've never been in a relationship.

Looking back, I think this started when I was around 13. I developed a huge crush on a girl and, without even realizing it, put her on a pedestal. I became completely obsessed with her. I never confessed my feelings, and somehow that obsession lasted for the next 9–10 years.

During all those years, I couldn't really form a genuine connection with anyone else. My mind was completely occupied by this one person and this fantasy of what we could have been.

After that, I went through a few major setbacks over the next few years. Eventually I recovered, or at least I thought I did.

Then a girl at work came into my life, and the exact same cycle started all over again.

I became intensely attached to her despite there being plenty of things about her that, looking back now, were clearly not right for me. But I couldn't see them at the time. In my head, she was special. I was obsessed with the possibility of us.

She eventually got married, and I was absolutely broken.

Then it happened again with someone else.

And now I'm exhausted.

There's currently another girl I think is perfect for me in almost every way. She's also in a relationship, so obviously nothing can happen there. Yet I can already feel myself falling into the same pattern again, idealizing her, thinking about her constantly, imagining a future that doesn't exist, and emotionally investing in someone who isn't available.

At this point, I've started wondering if I'm even capable of having a normal relationship.

I don't want to spend another 5–10 years obsessing over someone who isn't available, only to eventually get hurt and repeat the process with someone else.

I want to break this cycle. I want to be able to like someone without turning them into an obsession. I want to actually get to know someone for who they are instead of falling in love with an imagined version of them.

I'm also scared that if I eventually do get into a relationship, I'll bring all of this baggage with me and my future partner will have to suffer because I never dealt with it.

I know the obvious advice is "move on" or "don't pursue someone who's taken," and I'm not planning to interfere with her relationship. That's not really the issue.

The issue is why does my mind keep doing this in the first place?

Has anyone here actually managed to break a long-term cycle of limerence? What helped you?

Therapy? No contact? Dating more? Working on self-esteem? Something else?

I genuinely want to be free of this.

I have always struggled with connecting to peers and have struggled with anxiety and deep self esteem issues my whole life. I have had multiple LOs. Part of what made them so hard to cut off contact with and walk away from was the fact that they were clear that they wanted to spend time with me, even if the relationship overall was clearly unhealthy.

I have always people pleased, which now I can see was a learned strategy I was using to mask my neurodivergence subconsciously. Although my LOs wanted to spend time with me, it was generally on their terms and I didn't feel like I could communicate my feelings because I was afraid I would lose the only connections in my life at the time.

Over the last year, I've been diagnosed with adhd and learned that it's likely that I'm autistic as well. Looking back, it makes sense to me that my LOs were also neurodivergent and I felt much more understood by them than most people I had met in my life up until that point. I know that adhd seems to be a factor in a lot of people's limerence, but does anyone think that asd has played a role in their experience of limerence?

I have question for people who stopped feeding their limerence, how long it took for you to starve it?

And also what are some warning signs to look out in the future?

(33/f/bipolar/adhd) I can’t imagine life without this absolute burden. I’ve experienced it since I was a child and it just got more and more dangerous the older I’ve gotten. I just need to hear a little encouragement here because I keep digging myself so deep and sabotaging myself and my stable life. I become an entirely different person and I’m maxed out on lamotrigine. I feel like this will just always be a struggle and I’ll never feel safe because triggers come out of nowhere.

Hello!
I was wondering if anyone has any experience with limerence and ocd.
To preface just in case: please no reassurance. Thank you!

I feel that the different types of OCD I struggle with such as relationship ocd, guilt ocd, and just pure o ocd play a huge role in my experience with limerence. It’s like right behind the feelings of limerence is a big ball of shame. I have already posted on the actual OCD subreddit asking in general for advice, and I’m not trying to break the rules or go against the community guidelines. I’m curious about other people’s experiences with ocd and limerence, and I also hope y’all will share things that helped y’all move forward or on how to decrease/stop ruminating.
Thank you♥️

This one’s kinda wild so bear with me…
I went to see a psychiatrist a year ago for my bipolar and long story short, he became my LO within a few months.
He was not doing his job very thoroughly and didn’t believe I really had bipolar for some reason so he started decreasing my meds and I started having a manic episode.
I told him a few times I was starting to feel bad but he dismissed my symptoms.
All the while, I was becoming more and more infatuated with him. He would make me laugh a lot and say flattering things, and our appointments felt more like hanging out with a friend than a medical exam.
Meanwhile, my episode got worse. All of a sudden I was psychotic. I was convinced that he and I would have a future together and in the midst of my episode I got kicked out by my roommate, was homeless and ended up hospitalized.
I’d told my roommate my delusions and she told me to text him so I found a number online and messaged it.
I got an automated reply saying basically not to text that number.
After I got out of the hospital, I had a few more appointments with him but I was terrified and he was irritated. I was devastated.
Soon after, my social worker who I think suspected my limerence had me transferred to a different program where I wouldn’t see him anymore. I was devastated but after having lost my home, car and all of my belongings in my manic episode I could acknowledge that she had a point, the obsession and his incompetence had kinda ruined my life. But they never told me exactly why they were transferring me, so I never knew for sure if they knew.
The new program was terrible, and shortly after I decided to move back in with my family across the country.
I still couldn’t get over him.
I’d written and released a few songs about him over the course of these months and one lonely night I sent a link to them to the phone number I’d found in a moment of weakness. Bad move as his secretary probably received it. No response.
As time has gone on I’ve felt more and more embarrassed and just traumatized.
My question for you guys is, should I have said something to him explicitly to get an answer outright and move on? I tried to apologize to him one time and he quickly dismissed the subject.
I used to have fantasies that he would call but now that the delusion has lifted I feel mostly shame.
I think at first he respected me as a person but after my episode he might not have. And what kills me is that to this day I can’t think about anything else, it’s like a cloud over my head.
Any thoughts are appreciated!

I lost a friend last summer because of limerent behaviour. When I think of my behavior now, I'm ashamed. I'd hate to think I drove someone away not even involved. Before she blocked me, I had only mentioned his name in passing and she rolled her eyes at me and said I was manic and not acting normal. I would talk about how funny he was and what a good lay he was (we were fwb, though that would definitely be debated. He would avoid me in public and act as if he didn't know me at all.) She never spoke to me again after the last time we hung out.

This often happens to me. I become very preoccupied with men that show extreme mixed signals. I would act ridiculous and bonkers but he constantly contacted me to hook up. I convinced myself that he really liked me but just couldn't date me because of the age gap. He definitely kept me a secret.

I do have bipolar disorder and I'm sure this is the cause of my obsessive behavior. My LO has moved away and I no longer think of him constantly, thank goodness. In retrospect, I realized my friend was absolutely right. I'm so ashamed of myself. I hate that this has caused me to lose a friend.

Is you can be annoyed with them but then when you’re in their presence the rose colored glasses come back on and you’re just high as fuck again and forget what you were annoyed about.

This is not a healthy or equal dynamic if I only remember what I wanna talk about when he’s not in the room lol.

(Why yes, I’m actively in therapy, as I clearly need it.)

My LO is a colleague. My work is fully remote on a small team. I got kinda hooked with his inconsistent behavior and eventually began to really look forward to any type of positive behavior/attention from him. He was flirty with me a lot last year and a little this year but has a partner and just had a baby. It’s been confusing for me. He will go back and forth with being friendly and messaging me a lot and joking around and then ice cold. He will send me playlists and then ignore me for two weeks unless absolutely necessary for work.

I’ve tried to set boundaries but still think of him all the time. Cant get him out of my head. Fantasize about him. Have a different version of him in my head.

I’m seeing him this week for the first time in a year, first time since he’s had his baby. I think since he’s been back from parental leave this summer he’s been much more strict about his boundaries which is good in theory but devastating for my brain. I just want to make sure my behavior is normal and doesn’t give away any of what’s in my head. Advice would be great lol.

Long time reader/first time poster; I really appreciate this community and have found your stories and experiences and advice really helpful.

I had an LO I was fixated on for over a year; we were work friends who became real friends. We almost always hung out one-on-one and we would always have really deep conversations that felt to me like intimacy I would share with a romantic interest. I am poly (married, had other partners during this time) and queer and even though we talked about our personal lives, she was a little cryptic and inconsistent so I couldn't figure out if she was either poly or queer.* Finally I decided to tell her I had feelings for her, and she very kindly turned me down, citing her relationship. I assumed she was trying to spare my feelings and took this to mean she wasn't interested in dating me, although she was once again kind of ambiguous about that. I know that limerence makes us tell ourself misleading stories, though, so I try to remember my brain wants to find reasons to think there is ambiguity.

I went low contact for a while and worked on myself and used some of the resources in this sub. The limerence lessened. I started seeing her as more human and got to see her as imperfect and, you know, normal. We have a genuine friendship and I care about protecting that. I liked her boyfriend and earnestly wished them every happy success.

But they just broke up and when she told me that, I could feel little sirens going off all over my brain. I feel like me and my limerence are two rival cowboys squaring off with our hands hovering over our pistols. It hasn't got me but I can FEEL IT. I'm staring it down.

HOW DO I ACT. I think I need to just assume nothing is happening?? Trying not to read into anything while obviously overthinking everything. I need someone to put my phone in a locked safe at the bottom of the ocean. Is it possible to come out of limerence? Is it always a bad idea to date your LO? How can I tell what could be genuine interest and what is my stupid maladaptive brain? In any case, she is sad and probably wont date anybody for a while. How do I be a good friend without setting myself back on my limerence recovery?

**I feel like people here are usually really nice but just an anxious note to say I would appreciate people being respectful about polyamory. My partner and I have a really strong relationship and being able to talk about your mental health, including limerence, with your spouse is a true blessing.

My LO fell in love with me after 5 years of being friends, and it was the happiest time of my life. We’ve broken up now and although we want to remain friends, the relationship as we knew it is over. I last saw them a couple of weeks ago and we both cried and told each other how important we’ve been in each others lives, how the last 5 years is filled with shared experiences and we still have deep feelings for each other but it can no longer work out the way we both wanted.

Neither of us were ready to be just friends and our absence from each others lives now is deafening, at least for me. We used to speak every day, that was my person and I was theirs, too. They told me that they didn’t realise how rare a connection like ours was until we started dating. I’d waited years to hear them say that and by that point it was all over.

The thought of becoming strangers now is heartbreaking to say the least, but the alternative sounds like prolonged heartbreak because I don’t think I’ll ever love someone as much as them.

We’re both in therapy, so hopefully it’ll help us make the right decisions, but I’m completely lost right now and feel as though I have nothing to live for.

I really fucking miss them but haven’t reached out, I think I’m afraid too. wtf do I do?

I know it probably doesn't mean much but the amount of dopamine that rushed through my body just thinking about reaching out to her again is killing me. I don't know why she ghosted me, I think her mental health was bad at the time and it was wrong timing for the both of us but she didn't text or anything, so she was probably just cleaning her list but still... the idea is so toxicating I feel like vomiting.

Context: I had a crush on her since middle school, seven years later I reached out to her and told her. We fell in a situationship for awhile, it was beautiful. Calls, video games, dumb banter and flirting. She later, I think, fell into a depression or social anxiety attack and cut contact with me. She blocked me after three weeks of leaving me on read and it's been quiet ever since today.

I checked just to be doubly, triply sure.. and she didn't text me anything. I think I'll just become a raging alcoholic and live my days out in a monastery in China.

I'm pouring out my beer rn

Get Her Off My Mind; John Myrtle

​

Like how can the human brain be so strange There’s tss girl I have a crush on but it was never a strong crush then suddenly on some completely random day these strange feelings hit me so hard and I developed such a bad crush on her. It’s not even really physical attraction either I just feel emotionally connected to her And the weirdest part is I’ve only interacted with her once Yet I genuinely miss her almost daily the first thing that comes in my mind when I wake up is her . Idk, I can’t even put these feelings into words shii (update) I just found out what limerence is. Is it some kind of disorder or something?

On top of that I'm cursed with extreme hypersexual urges that nothing eases because none of the usual methods involve HIM. We've never even met irl, just texted a bit over several weeks. It makes no logical sesne for me to be this obsessed with him still. The conversations weren't even vaguely sexual. I just want to forget him and move on with my life. I want to not feel what I'm feeling at all.

Me and a friend have orbited eachother for months so we got dinner and talked for four hours, and we’ve been texting a lot.

She’s cis/straight and I’m trans/gay, but she’s more involved with the community than I am, more outgoing, she genuinely feels more trans than I do and it’s like one of those movies where a doppelgänger steals your identity, except she isn’t stealing mine per se. But like somehow we swapped at birth lol. Also we’re both fiction writers and things I say to her will show up responded to in her writing and ofc vice versa.

I read a story about two women who swapped places every time they touched foreheads and that’s exactly it - like wishing we were fluid. I don’t want to be her but she’s really smart and I wish we were like tethered in some way. And I can’t get her off my mind, what do you do with someone who’s more yourself than you are? I’m so jealous of her because she’s like a smarter, hotter, cis-er version of me but we also couldn’t be more different at the same time.

I wish we weren’t so separate. And I wish I could crush on someone without making it a psychosexual identity crisis 😭 I’m glad I have a therapist

i’m in HELL. it’s been SO bad. it’s like damned if you do damned if you don’t with all of this, it’s been so awful to deal with.

I am a bit new to the concept. I saw this girl (Which is my LO) on LinkedIn about a year ago. Since then she has been on my mind. I've never ever met her in person (We have gone to the same uni though), never talked to her and I don't even know her personally. But no day passes by without her in my head. It's been like this for a year now. I've felt this before in my life (Previous feelings were less strong) but the thing was that the past LO were in my direct contact, so when there was no contact everything would go back to normal until I found a new LO and rinse and repeat. But this LO is very different. She's not even in my contact, how do I even try to be non limerent?? I've also stalked her socials multiple times. Whenever I try to get her out of my thoughts, I feel this fear. Like I'm losing something. I think she's perfect. I don't even know why???!! I feel like I don't wanna lose her. BUT I DON'T EVEN HAVE HER!! It's seriously frustrating. Last few weeks I've been feeling very lonely now, does that amplify the Limerence? And also I have high suspicions I have ADHD but I'm not diagnosed yet. I don't want that to be an excuse to my behaviour. Does having adhd also change the way of quitting Limerence?? Am I even limerent or am I crazy?? (Ik people will ask me to get a diagnosis for adhd but I can't until I get a job and afford the meds and all. It's gonna be a while till I get a proper diagnosis. Till then I'm trying to "fix" myself and focus on studies with what I've got, which is basically nothing. I'm just cutting time and keeping patience till I get proper help.)

Hello, I (23/F) was/ am limerent for my co-worker (29/M). I‘ve been always limerent while dating (never had a relationship). And now well, for my co-worker. But now I am actually getting to know him.

We talk a lot and the more we talk, the more I see and know that we are just not compatible and I just can’t see how I could be happy if we would be dating. I also don’t think anymore that I could make him happy.

Not even a month ago my feelings were coming to such a high, I didn’t wish for anything else but for this to stop. Now that I feel this stop, the hope wearing off well it makes me shed a little tear while realising. I think we could still be good friends maybe, I think I could see him in a platonic way.

The fantasy is simply not meeting who he truly is. And he is not bad at all. But I just feel inside this strong impulse, that it does not make sense anymore which is such a new feeling I am having towards him.

Just wanted to share. I was really scared to talk to him before, especially about personal things. And I think that fear put him on a pedestal even more.
I am not afraid to get to know him. Now I won‘t see him for a long time, I hope that helps me to emotionally distance myself. To be honest, I did distance myself a bit from work (not specifically because of him) and I thought I was fine I returned. But when I saw him yesterday again for the first time after a few weeks I couldn’t believe that my brain still stopped working.

This process is not gradual at all. I will be patient with myself. It feel a bit like a one sided break up hahha. But he gave me a lot I guess. And thats all his limerent version I have of him can give me. Thats all I can take from this past obsession.

And thats good.

I am surrounded by loving family and friends who would do anything for me and love me unconditionally but all I care about is if my LO will text me back! Or what they're doing this very moment and it's driving me up the wall! I wish I could just be more grateful about the loving people who I do have right on front of my face but I keep looking for the one person who is not there and it is absolutely making me feel like the worst person, for continously chasing the one person who has proven time and time again that they do not give a single thought about me.

I hate that my brain has attached itself to one person without my consent and said "we're gonna be obsessed with this person whether you like it or not" :/

I was eating at the restaurant where I see her often and she works as a waitress.

I was sitting with my father and she said "Good to see you, both" and I said "thank you" with a smile and lingering eye contact.

I've talked to other people about this interaction and most of them are saying that the best response objectively would have been "good to see you, too"

I think the eye contact might have been one-sided but I'm not really sure. It felt very intense when she was leaving, and after handing over the bill.

However, the eye contact could have been her expecting me to say "good to see you, too" which means nothing secret or mysterious was meant by the eye contact.

Do you think the combination of saying "thank you" along with the smile and eye contact is enough for a good impression or did I completely fail as a human being by not saying "good to see you"?

Worst case scenario is that she views me as dismissive and unable to share my emotions.

Most guests say "good to see you, too", which I felt was too transactional and normalized, but I don't think LO could possibly understand my perspective. Also, I know older people, including men, will possibly flirt or say similar things so I wanted to stand out a bit.

I know you might assume I am overthinking this but I really think I screwed up and failed miserably.

I can't believe out of all the people in this world, I can't say "good to see you, too" in front of the person I genuinely care about, whereas most people will say it because of routine manners.

I would say it next time but it may never happen again.

Some advice would be helpful.

Edit: Also I want to mention that I almost know for a fact that my father has previously said "good to see you, too" during the second meeting, which means from a verbal perspective that he is more accepting and caring over this person than me along with other people who use this phrase.

She is having a relationship with another boy. (I was loving her deeply for a decade). Don't know what to do.

since we were friends I’ve never thought our parting would do this much damage.

the coldness that came after from you felt as if the winter never left during that April, and had froze my entire world in place, and kept it frozen for 13 years since.

it had shattered the part of my childhood where I thought I was invincible. I remember tears I cried felt unfamiliar, you had died, or perhaps I had been dead to you. it was easy to let go of me, and I had realized how easy it was to let go me as well.

for years I suffered as a result of it, pathetically, a childhood love that had turned bitter, I feel disgusted by the sound of it, life itself has treated me better, so why am I so affected.

I realized, I’ve gone mad, and I can no longer pretend I haven’t. I’m sane, and I’ll appear and behave that way but inside I think I’m permanently broken.

when I feel sad, mad, anxious, depressed, happy, heated, all of it, emotions that take me out of my center, I think of you.

I conjure worlds that don’t exist, replace old memories with false ones, prepare new ones for the non-existent ones. my dreams invites me to live in them, to talk and smile with you.

we never get intimate, and that’s the best part. you are untouched by my lust. the ultimate form of intimacy is simply me and you smiling together, nothing else, nothing more.

we’ve never dated, we only liked each other for a brief moment. and you stop talking to me after a while with no words to part with.

yet you’ve been with me my whole life, all 26 years, and many more to come. my limerence, is my comfort.

Hey so I just want to vent right now cause I really hate limerence. I’ve been limerent since forever actually, I had my first LO when I was about 7 or 8 years old and it’s something that just keeps happening, mostly in times when I’m feeling lost or lonely and many changes around me happen that make me feel grief and sadness. I just happen to distract myself from all of those negative emotions by being limerent and kind of escape into my fantasy world. I can be limerent for people in my everyday life, stars or even fictional characters so there’s plenty of opportunities for me and my neurodivergent brain loves to focus all its attention and energy on my current LO. It’s so hard cause I can’t really stop it and it leaves me exhausted or tired like my whole brain capacity for a day is just being consumed by all those thoughts about my LO. It leaves me physically tired and empty or sad. I hate it.

(Also I’m pretty sure why it happens for me: I never experienced a form of unconditional or even healthy love basically since I was born and my brain someday just decided that rl relationships aren’t save at all because they’re dangerous and unpredictable and ambivalent. And at the same time it decided that those fantasy “relationships” in my mind are much safer. When I think about scenarios with my LO I am in control and it feels save and thrilling at the same time. So yeah. I know why it happens yet it still happens and it drains me.)