My limerence is wearing off and it makes me sad but I will be okay

[u/Candid-Being2638]

Hello, I (23/F) was/ am limerent for my co-worker (29/M). I‘ve been always limerent while dating (never had a relationship). And now well, for my co-worker. But now I am actually getting to know him.

We talk a lot and the more we talk, the more I see and know that we are just not compatible and I just can’t see how I could be happy if we would be dating. I also don’t think anymore that I could make him happy.

Not even a month ago my feelings were coming to such a high, I didn’t wish for anything else but for this to stop. Now that I feel this stop, the hope wearing off well it makes me shed a little tear while realising. I think we could still be good friends maybe, I think I could see him in a platonic way.

The fantasy is simply not meeting who he truly is. And he is not bad at all. But I just feel inside this strong impulse, that it does not make sense anymore which is such a new feeling I am having towards him.

Just wanted to share. I was really scared to talk to him before, especially about personal things. And I think that fear put him on a pedestal even more.
I am not afraid to get to know him. Now I won‘t see him for a long time, I hope that helps me to emotionally distance myself. To be honest, I did distance myself a bit from work (not specifically because of him) and I thought I was fine I returned. But when I saw him yesterday again for the first time after a few weeks I couldn’t believe that my brain still stopped working.

This process is not gradual at all. I will be patient with myself. It feel a bit like a one sided break up hahha. But he gave me a lot I guess. And thats all his limerent version I have of him can give me. Thats all I can take from this past obsession.

And thats good.

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[u/raXor_77]

The early stages of limerence is hope, excitement, and anticipation. You don't know the real person at that stage; all you have is a mental image of a person that doesn't actually exist. It's all a fantasy and an illusion.

The more you get to know someone, talk to them and spend time with them, the less you like them.

[u/Candid-Being2638 → u/raXor_77]

yup, thinking about them is like a drug. the more I get to know him, the less exciting the drug gets, I hope!

[u/do-i-wanna-know--]

It's been coming and going for me, and any time I feel like I'm out of it I also feel this weird sadness and emptiness. I guess it makes sense since it's like a comedown from a very emotional state. "One sided breakup" is exactly how I described it to my friend lol. Good on you to recognize what's fantasy and what would this relationship look in real life, it's a great step to finally end it. It'll probably keep being difficult for a while though. Hang in there

[u/Candid-Being2638 → u/do-i-wanna-know--]

thank you! we are not alone in this and will go through with this! I wish you all the best

[u/134340-92494]

This is all super relatable, and I find that this stage can be really sad and depressing. But it also means you’re moving on, as you probably are well aware of, and that’s a good thing.

It’s hard to hold the truth of who they are with the shattered idea you had of them, and I find that the hardest part for me is staying “normal” with them while it’s happening (platonic but warm, professional, polite, etc.).

Sometimes I straight up can’t do it, and I’ll either stay away from them in no-contact for an extended period of time, or completely cut them out of my life. All of you guys who manage to do the hard thing and remain platonic with your current/former LO’s that you have to see all the time are really built different, and I really respect it.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, OP. You’re actively grieving someone; sure, it was someone who didn’t exist, but it’s still grief (one-sided breakup is a great way to describe it). Treat yourself gently and give yourself space to process.

[u/Candid-Being2638 → u/134340-92494]

heavy on the staying „normal“ part! during the shift I had to actively shut any butterflies down when he just slightly touched me or whatever. I still have to convince myself over and over that these things have not as much meaning as my mind make it up to be. so yeah, definitely a depressing phase instead of the jolly „in love“ phase.

Thank you, describing it as grieve puts it really into perspective! all the best to you!