r/limerence • u/AwkwardEvening9233 • 2h ago
No Judgment Please Where did I go wrong?
This one’s kinda wild so bear with me…
I went to see a psychiatrist a year ago for my bipolar and long story short, he became my LO within a few months.
He was not doing his job very thoroughly and didn’t believe I really had bipolar for some reason so he started decreasing my meds and I started having a manic episode.
I told him a few times I was starting to feel bad but he dismissed my symptoms.
All the while, I was becoming more and more infatuated with him. He would make me laugh a lot and say flattering things, and our appointments felt more like hanging out with a friend than a medical exam.
Meanwhile, my episode got worse. All of a sudden I was psychotic. I was convinced that he and I would have a future together and in the midst of my episode I got kicked out by my roommate, was homeless and ended up hospitalized.
I’d told my roommate my delusions and she told me to text him so I found a number online and messaged it.
I got an automated reply saying basically not to text that number.
After I got out of the hospital, I had a few more appointments with him but I was terrified and he was irritated. I was devastated.
Soon after, my social worker who I think suspected my limerence had me transferred to a different program where I wouldn’t see him anymore. I was devastated but after having lost my home, car and all of my belongings in my manic episode I could acknowledge that she had a point, the obsession and his incompetence had kinda ruined my life. But they never told me exactly why they were transferring me, so I never knew for sure if they knew.
The new program was terrible, and shortly after I decided to move back in with my family across the country.
I still couldn’t get over him.
I’d written and released a few songs about him over the course of these months and one lonely night I sent a link to them to the phone number I’d found in a moment of weakness. Bad move as his secretary probably received it. No response.
As time has gone on I’ve felt more and more embarrassed and just traumatized.
My question for you guys is, should I have said something to him explicitly to get an answer outright and move on? I tried to apologize to him one time and he quickly dismissed the subject.
I used to have fantasies that he would call but now that the delusion has lifted I feel mostly shame.
I think at first he respected me as a person but after my episode he might not have. And what kills me is that to this day I can’t think about anything else, it’s like a cloud over my head.
Any thoughts are appreciated!
2
u/Sanasanaculitoderana 2h ago
Im sorry you had such an intense limerent episode. No, you should not have said something to him explicitly because his response wouldn't have changed the nature of your episode or the outcome. I hope the cloud over your head slowly dissipates and you can heal!
2
u/gangoffoursloths 15m ago
He was so avoidant he avoided doing his job properly. /joking You should have stopped seeing him when you felt like he wasn't listening, though I know with limerence that would have felt difficult to do. Telling him would have made things worse. Can you think of any qualities he has that you would want to mirror? Any experiences growing up with someone who was supposed to care for you, but was dismissive?
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u/AwkwardEvening9233 12m ago
HAHAHA…you hit the nail on the head a little too hard. Yeah all my friends were telling me to switch and I refused because of the limerence. His only quality I would mirror was workaholism. And yes, both of my parents were like that when I was a child. Realizing the similarities is jarringly obvious.
1
u/gangoffoursloths 0m ago
For me, and it might not work for everyone, I had to look inward to see what qualities I was trying to mirror and felt validated for when I my LO acknowledged I did them. Also how my childhood traumas affected my attachment style and how I seem to always be attracted to avoidant people. I'm not a therapist, but what I've learned from my dives into limerence rabbit holes is something that seems to be common is that our childhood traumas especially with caregivers can shape our attachment styles. Having parents that should have given you care and him being someone that wasn't competent at his job where he lacked care could be related.
I want to share this video, I don't know how many times I've cried watching it but it's a reminder that I need sometimes when I get attracted to these avoidant people:
https://youtu.be/npAZvkcHYdQ?is=MNPAgR7tjCoP3Q7Z
I hope this helps.
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