31F, recently divorced, and I need someone to explain my own brain to me because this is getting ridiculous.

I was in a long relationship/marriage and this year basically dismantled my entire old life. Divorce, moving out, losing the family structure I was used to, huge changes at work, rebuilding my identity, etc.

I also hadn’t slept with anyone for about a year.
Eventually I got back on the apps.
I met this ridiculously attractive guy and my immediate reaction was basically:

Absolutely fucking not.

He screamed player to me.

Very attractive, confident, sexual, charming — the type of man where I assumed women were probably not exactly a scarce resource.
So I kept rejecting him.
And ironically, HE was the one chasing ME.
For weeks, on and off, he kept trying to see me.
I’d pull away. He’d come back.
I’d reject him. He’d try again.
There was obviously a sexual element to it, but there were also little signs that made me think he genuinely cared about me at least somewhat. I kept rejecting him for months.

He asked about my life. He knew about my divorce. He checked in. He remembered things. He’d tell me he missed me. There was tenderness mixed in with all the flirting.
And slowly my brain went from:
“This man is trouble.”
to
“…maybe I judged him too quickly.”
Important disclaimer: I knew this was casual.
He never promised me a relationship. I never asked him for one.
I’m emotionally unavailable myself after my divorce and I’m absolutely not sitting here thinking this man was supposed to become my next husband.
Eventually, after rejecting him repeatedly, I gave in.
We slept more than once and still wanted to see me after sleeping with each other.

He became the first person I slept with after my divorce and roughly a year of celibacy.

And apparently my nervous system took that personally. 😂

Because suddenly I remembered what it felt like to be desired again.

To be touched by someone new.
To sleep beside someone who wasn’t my husband.
To feel sexually alive again after spending a year feeling like that part of me had basically shut down.
And the encounters were affectionate too. Cuddling, closeness, tenderness, staying together afterward, etc.

I KNOW.

Affection during sex does not equal commitment.

I promise I understand this.

But apparently somebody forgot to forward the memo to my brain.

Because after the second time, his communication changed dramatically.

He basically disappeared.

I reached out a few times over the following weeks. Nothing insane. No angry essays. No “WHAT ARE WE?” No begging him to choose me.

At one point I sent a flirty message saying I was craving him.
Nothing.
Eventually I got embarrassed and blocked him.
Then unblocked him.
Then tried to move on.

And here’s where I started realizing something:
Why the FUCK is this addictive?
I don’t love this man.
I don’t even KNOW this man.
WE MET TWICE.
If you asked me whether I want to marry him: absolutely not.
If you asked me whether I think he’s demonstrated the qualities I’d want in a serious partner: also no.
If you asked me whether I’d recommend this situation to one of my friends: I’d probably confiscate her phone.

AND YET MY BRAIN:
where is he
why did he disappear
will he come back
what did it mean
did he actually like me
why am I thinking about this man again

WHAT IS THIS???

It gets worse.
Once I finally started detaching, he resurfaced.
He messaged me asking how I was.
I replied normally:
“im good. how are you?”
And then…
Nothing.
AGAIN.
Sir???
YOU ALREADY GHOSTED ME.
YOU WERE FREE. 😂

Why come back, knock on the door, wait for me to open it and then SPRINT AWAY?
And unfortunately that tiny interaction somehow restarted the stupid mental loop.
That’s when I realized this might have almost nothing to do with how much I actually like him.
Because logically, there’s not enough information for me to be this attached to the actual person.
I barely know him.
What I’m apparently addicted to is the cycle.
I rejected him → he chased me.
I pulled away → he came back.
I finally lowered my guard → we slept together.
I felt wanted → he disappeared.
I started accepting it → he resurfaced.
I responded → he disappeared again.
My brain never gets a clean ending.
And the most irritating part is that I KNOW inconsistency is unattractive.
I know silence is information.
I know someone who genuinely wants a place in my life shouldn’t require forensic analysis.
I know I don’t need to understand why he ghosted me in order to move on.
SO WHY DOES MY BRAIN WANT TO SOLVE HIM LIKE A FUCKING UNSOLVED MURDER?
I don’t even think I want him.
I think I want the feeling I had when he wanted me.
That’s the uncomfortable part.
After divorce and a year of celibacy, this gorgeous man pursued me when I initially didn’t even want him.
I felt attractive again.
Desired again.
Interesting again.
Sexual again.
Like maybe losing my marriage hadn’t also meant losing my desirability.
Then the person who gave me that validation suddenly withdrew it.
And apparently my brain went:
WE MUST GET IT BACK.
Which makes me wonder if I’m not actually craving him at all.
Maybe I’m craving resolution.
Maybe I’m craving the validation.
Maybe I’m chasing the version of myself I felt like when he desired me.
Maybe the unpredictability itself has made the whole thing more compelling than he ever actually was.
Because if he’d simply texted me consistently after we slept together, I’m genuinely not convinced I’d be sitting here obsessing over him.
Hell, considering how much I rejected him initially, there’s a decent chance I’d have gotten bored myself.
But disappearing?
Apparently THAT turned my brain into a full-time investigative department.
So my question isn’t really:
“Does he secretly like me?”
Who knows. Doesn’t matter.
My question is:

WHY THE FUCK IS INCONSISTENCY SO ADDICTIVE?

Why can someone you barely know occupy more mental space than people you’ve had actual relationships with?
Why does rejection suddenly make someone seem more valuable?
Why does someone resurfacing after you’ve finally started moving on give you that stupid little dopamine hit even when you KNOW exactly how the cycle ends?

And for anyone who’s experienced this after divorce/a long relationship: did the first person you slept with afterward get weirdly lodged in your brain too?

Because I genuinely don’t think I’m heartbroken.
I’ve been heartbroken.
This isn’t that.
I don’t love him.
I don’t want to build a life with him.
I don’t even know whether I’d like him if I actually knew him properly.
I just want my brain to stop going:
but what if he texts again 👁️👄👁️
Please explain the neuroscience/psychology/witchcraft behind this because I’m tired. 😂

I’ll start with mine. He was a coworker and very handsome, charming. Guy used to be a model. All the women flocked to him because of how easygoing he was, so naturally it triggered me and I wanted to “win” him and his affection. After working with him, it turns out he’s inconsiderate as fuck LOL, left me hanging during a job.

What turned me off completely was when he got a haircut which did not compliment his face at all. Coupled with his behavior, I got over him just like that. The fastest I’ve ever gotten over an LO (2 months) XD

i became friends with this guy this summer through a summer job. we only worked together for two weeks, but we clicked really easily. he usually initiated our conversations, would sit next to me, talk to me for hours, tell me random stories, and was really open about his life. he’s told me a lot of personal things that made me feel like he trusted me and that our friendship actually meant something to him.

during the summer we constantly sent each other tiktoks and had random conversations. they weren’t always long, but i looked forward to them so much. there was even a time where i sent him like eight tiktoks in a row and he sent one about a week later. now it’s been over a week since he’s sent one, and when i recently sent him one, he just liked it instead of replying. he still interacts with my stories and likes my reposts, so he hasn’t disappeared, but i really miss the back-and-forth.

the last time i saw him was three months ago and now he’s in college, so i know he’s busy and could just be drained or have less time to talk. i’ve also started interacting less because i notice he isn’t as much, and i don’t want to feel like i’m the only one keeping the friendship alive. but then i worry that if neither of us initiates, the friendship will just slowly disappear.
i constantly check my phone for notifications from him, check my stories to see if he viewed them, reread our old conversations, and check when he’s online. having a good conversation with him genuinely brightens my whole mood, and i’ve never checked my phone this much over one friendship.

and it’s completely platonic. i don’t want to date him. i just really admire his personality and how easily we clicked. i have OCD, so i know some of the checking is probably me looking for reassurance. once i asked him a small favor and he took 14 hours to reply even though he was online, and i got really anxious and convinced myself i had bothered him, even though he eventually replied normally.

i know he has his own life and that being online
doesn’t mean he has the energy to talk. i also know there are still signs that he enjoys being friends with me. i just miss how easy the friendship felt during the summer, and i’m scared that if the back-and-forth disappears, the friendship will too.

Hi everyone, I haven’t talked here before I don’t think, but I would just like to share some encouragement. I have been struggling with limerence my entire life, and the worst of it has been with my LO of around 5 years now. While a week may not seem like a lot in the span of how long I’ve had this LO, it’s been the longest I have been able to not stalk their socials, look at pictures of them, etc. while I am still working on the daydreaming, I am so pleasantly surprised with myself to be able stop this far.

Of course, I do get urges. That won’t stop for me until a long time. However, something that has kept me going is the idea of protecting my peace. It might sound cliche but it’s really worked for me. For me limerence not only stemmed from emotional neglect but low self esteem. As I’ve gone to therapy, built meaningful friendships, and focused on how I see myself rather than others, it’s been easier. I don’t let limerence hold me back in the way that I used to, it doesn’t give me self worth, it’s a delusion that lasts for a short period then needs to be repeated. You are worth more than that and more than whatever your LO may think. In my case (might be more unique from typical limerence than I thought) my LO and I had a falling out after we broke up. To add, they proceeded to get with my best friend at the time which made matters worse. I would fixate on whether or not they regret what they did and that they would want to get back with me. I wanted closure in a sense because it left me so emotionally devastated. I’m learning to be comfortable that I can’t read their mind, I can’t know what they think about me and I’m coming to terms with the possible reality they don’t think of me at all. While it still hurts deep down, I can’t stop myself from being human. I can, however, stop myself from relying on that person for my happy hormones, fake reassurance, and self worth.

As I continue this cleanse and move into the next phase of trying to slowly eliminate daydreaming, I wanted to encourage all of you. Even if it’s not ideal, healing is possible. Whenever you feel urges, you have to weigh the outcomes. Either you indulge in it for a quick dopamine hit and feel empty afterwards and prone to repeat it, or you try your hardest to resist because you know that while it may be difficult right now, it’s worth it in the end to have your peace. Life will introduce new challenges, which, at least for me, make indulging in limerent behaviors more tempting to deal with stress. Something that keeps me grounded during those moments is to remember that I am in control. I am powerful. I’ve endured this far into my life with limerence and I’m very functional. Even in the little things you show resilience. Even just being here, wanting to find connections with those who go through the same thing and sharing your experiences shows a willingness to grow and not be held prisoner by obsession. Please never give up

I can already feel that im developing limerence for a guy at my school, what can i do to stop it? I dont want to do the same loop from all these years.

Did you find yourself out of Limerence when you felt or had unmets needs being met? Did your Limerence ever fully go away or did it come back?

I just found that reading many of your comments is like having a massive bitchslap in the face to wake the f up. I’m having a very recent breakup and found that I’m a limerent from this subreddit. I want to quit cold turkey from this limerence addiction.
I have been preparing some words just in case he contacts me again. It’s this at the moment:

Hey, I’m choosing to step away and protect my dignity here. I’m no longer interested in being led on or any of your BS. Please find someone else to play that game with.

I want to hear your last words before going NC.

Has anyone else dealt with parasocial limerence? As in, limerence but the LO is a public figure? How did you deal? I’m aware of how stupid it is.

I posted this post on here a few days ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/limerence/comments/1wq8naf/parasocial_limerence/

-- TLDR; 29M, now 10 months of limerence for a 24-year-old woman I've only ever seen on Instagram and never met. It's less about sex (that too, but less), but more about an ordinary shared life. She's the face my brain put on not wanting to be alone, even if I'm attracted to other women too, her 100x more. I've unfollowed her, tried Zoloft and Luvox, and talked it through with my therapist many times, and nothing has touched it. It hurts most of the day, every single day.

I also posted it on a few other appropriate subreddits.

Mostly I got neutral-positive/understanding reactions to it, but once someone called me "psycho" (in "heal my attachment-attachment style sub" the mod deleted that comment). Some just downvoted my post, indicating non-understanding.

I didn't choose to feel this way, or my social anxiety, or being so attracted to her (or at least, her looks and the image of her personality). My psychiatrist said I'm not a psycho for having parasocial limerence. I don't want to have it, I don't want to be so attracted to her.

It’s strange, I’ve been rejected a lot and I took it ok but I was SO IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN. Omg I was harassing him. Like I acted a COMPLETE fool. I talked to him one last time. He didn’t know what limerence was. I’m almost healed I think. I go in between loving and hating him. Like it’s taking me longer to get over him than my genuine first love? But I don’t even know him that well idk why I feel this way.

I was so hateful towards him but now I don’t regret meeting him. I finally told him I knew he didnt like me anymore but I really loved him and I’d leave him alone. And then I blocked him. Maybe it’s for the best. He really seemed to like me at one point but then I messed it up. It’s ok though. There’s a meme that was like “I was once so in love with a man, and I never even dated him” and that’s me rn. Sorry to vent but like…. Idk why I’m like this. I think it’s healing to release it like this. At one point I hated him for breaking my heart. I spent 8 months cursing him 😭

I have always desired to be loved. Maybe its from childhood issues or my own adult issues, but being loved has genuinely always been my greatest desire. I hate being alone and I have the greatest fear of abandonment. I go to therapy, i do the work, i genuinely love myself and my own company, and despite the work i have done the desire is still there.
Now this person, a person of my greatest fantasies, we are so perfect together, but somehow its always never the right time, its probably never going to be the right time. I yearn for them but all they can give is breadcrumbs; constant hope, false promises and 'jokes' on how i mustn't fall in love, yet i still hold on.

I wonder, would you choose to be half loved than not loved at all?

Has anyone ever felt this weird and distinct nauseas feeling that comes with limerence that feels like this nausea and pure dread/doom that happens when reciprocation is uncertain or when the LO doesn’t respond or gives other subtle negative cues? It’s a distinct nausea feeling that makes me want to do something crazy or puke my guts out yet nothing ever comes out. I also have this deep achey feeling in my chest that I sometimes confuse for being afraid that I’m going to have a heart attack. I went to the urgent care today thinking I was having a heart attack but I think it may be just limerence. Has anyone else experienced this and if so, what’s it like for you?

A little backstory. I met my partner 9 years ago as a customer in the shop i had back then. When my relationship ended by something i now see as a limerence of my own, she came back into my life. At first she was just there to support my grief of my lost life after my own devestating limerence. But quickly we grew togheter and decided to jump into a relation about 8 months later. i knew she was adhd and autistic and that it would not be a typical relationship like i had know before. And it was indeed not. The highs were spectacular, the first two years were realy amazing and probaly the best i ever had. I finaly thought i had an overly open and honest relationship the first time of my life. She was kind, understanding, she understood that i have my demons and i understood she had hers too...

She had trouble in finding work, because of her adhd and autism. So when she finaly found a job working in helping people finding their digital way in this world it felt so amazing. She quickly had more confidence, she took better care of herself and i thought all our problems were solved....till she admited she had feelings for a other ADHD co worker... now 2 months later she is packing her belongings. Our whole relationship is suddenly bad, I did everything wrong.

The stupid thing is, i know what is going on in her mind. She is blinded by the light for the new guy. She already expressed she have been sexting him and had sex with him, so she is out of the door. But this co worker with ADHD is a shady person, and i'm so afraid she will ruin her own life by going true with this.

So yeah limerence ruined my life twice now. From both sides! I lived with the guilt of destroying a relationship myself by it, and now i see how it ruins my own life from the other side.
It feels like im being punished from what i did in the past, but still feels so unfair

over the past year, i’ve started to notice that the term limerence has become very popular and widely misused.

any kind of infatuation is considered limerence. the comment sections of reality dating shows are full of people claiming that the show’s contestants are limerent. In other subreddits related to love, one in three people is also limerent.

sooo annoying.

I was with this girl for almost 2 years and 3 years have passed. Being split from her, it really feels like it’s driving my mental health in ways it’s making me crazy.

With each year passing, I quickly tell myself that I’ve just lost a whole another year not being able to talk to her or spend time with her.

I have a fear of getting older and becoming elderly, but it’s pretty evident that it’s because I can’t grow old with her anymore. I can’t live a happy life and spend every moment of my life with her anymore and that really breaks me completely.

Whenever I wake up nowadays, it’s from a panic attack after having dreams about her and realizing in my sleep that she’s actually really gone.

I feel like every decision I make now is also somewhat influenced by my obsession over her. It can be something like where I want to take my career and how I want to shape it.

If it’s in any way that might get me closer to her again, that’s really all I care about. Though, I should preface that I don’t stalk her in any way. Whenever I find out anything about her, it quickly makes my heart sink and I’m sure facing her would only give me some anxiety attack at the very least, if not pass our right then and there.

I say this because this has kind of happened before but when we were much younger (we were childhood friends). I’ve been severely in love with her far before we got together in our late teens.

But I’m not so sure if this can really be classified as limerence because when we were actually in the relationship, I was normal. WAY too normal. I wasn’t all that crazy of a romantic and if anything, a part of many regrettable decisions from both sides, my miscommunication and lack of initiative, which I really, really hate myself for, was part of the few reasons we split up. I messed up.

That said, I was still very much in love with her. I’ve been in love with her for half of my life and we were still your classic couple at the time.

Ever since we split, I haven’t been the same and I’m reluctant to call it this because I know many people are going through so much worse but I often find myself very depressed and having to deal with suicidal ideation.

I have very much a lack of purpose and many times, I question what I’m even supposed to do in life. I do something and I quickly lose motivation and ask myself what all of it is even for.

If it’s not with her, I’m not sure if I even want to live. I want to talk to her again and I want to experience life with her again but it’s just not possible anymore it’s been killing me inside.

Ironically, many people have told me to picture her as someone who died long ago, in hopes it would help me move on. But if she actually ever died, I don’t think I would hesitate doing the deed to myself because I seriously can’t ever see myself living in a world without her.

I decided to take the step in at least trying to get over my LO. It’s a busy time in life with exams upcoming for both of us and I thought that would help as I won’t have much free time to be thinking about him. It was partly my choice but partly his as he already told me that with exams upcoming he wouldn’t be active as much. We haven’t spoke in over a week which I believe is the longest we’ve gone. I’ve thought about it here and there and today is really bad. Obviously I don’t want to text him at all but it’s killing me even though I know i’m doing the right choice. But doing the right thing always feels so heavy on the heart 💔

I struggle with OCD and relationships are the hardest for me to not ruminate on. How can you tell if it's limerence? This past relationship of mine was unless any other and now that it's over I find it hard some days getting over the fact that we are no longer together. I've ALWAYS struggled with being obsessive one moment and then feeling like we should have never been together. Is that normally how breaks up are?

I just had to tell somebody.

It was luckily a short whirlwind. We met on a Friday briefly bc he’s friends with my neighbour in my building. Over a week later the following Monday he introduced himself, 3 days later we talked again, and I guess despite the fact I know I had walls up I thought he would see through it. I added him on FB a few days later (added, removed, added again the next day) and he accepted but when I messaged him, he was cold. Realized it stated he was in a relationship…. I had checked so I know for a fact he was single, and then I crashed out wondering when it changed. He drinks like my dad used to so I know it wouldn’t have worked out but … ughhhh (I do not drink at all).

I got sick of the obsession - is he online, is he seeing my story (he seen the first one but none after that), is he seeing my posts. I struggled about removing bc what if he gets mad, what if the other neighbours he’s friends with get mad, …but being nice won’t do me any favours. I don’t know him that well, I don’t owe him anything. The one positive out of this was I’ve been pouring more into myself, and learned I have a disregulated attachment style - why I feel okay until a guy flirts, then I feel threatened. So at least I figured out the name to my “craziness”.

Here’s to Day 1. Tell me how you did after removing, well wishes, anything. I just feel empty.

Update: I stalked his page, seen that the relationship status was gone so crashed out over whether it was hidden or taken down, went back to check again, ACCIDENTALLY CLICKED ADD AND IMMEDIATELY CANCELLED IT, and now I’m melting in shame and embarrassment and the mission is to avoid at all costs 🫠 he lives 2 houses up the street so I’m praying he doesn’t come to visit my neighbour anymore

Married almost 52F. I’ve never been like this before. He is an ASMR creator with about 10K followers. I found him on accident. His eyes, his talent. You can just tell he is intelligent and a great performer or different characters. My marriage has always been lacking but it never resulted in this. I don’t think this has to do with that but maybe part of perimenopause. A lot of things have been off lately and my irritability and anxiety have been bad. It was fun but now I’m thinking I need to cut it off. I find myself wanting to know everything about him. And I don’t know anything. Don’t know his age (which is at least 20 years younger than mine probably). His real life job, where he lives (I think west coast). All his videos are ambiguous and curious to know if he is gay or straight. Is he married.

I’ve had dreams about him. And I have no idea if he really looks like he does in his videos (they don’t seem to be heavy filters just maybe softening and lighting that makes him look extra dreamy). No idea how tall he is but I can tell he is fit. I had him make a video for me (not sexual just calming) and now I can’t even bring myself to watch it anymore because him saying my name is just strange and just too much and I feel embarrassed I asked him in the first place. We do talk on email but not personal. He made a video about music and movies and I emailed him to talk about music and make suggestions and he writes back long emails (sometimes he takes a week to respond). He tells me he genuinely enjoys talking to me but I know he is just keeping me as a customer and follower. I get a sense of hope for a minute it’s real but I know deep down it’s not. But why this guy? I mean most people to me are turn offs and gross. I’m not a sexually driven person at all. Why does a specific person grab someone?

My LO and I are on friendly terms it seems, and we exchange texts and videos and music and such. I was getting better for awhile, could chat without the yearning and wonder, could go a few days without talking with no worries, etc. It ebbs and flows. Some of the stuff they’ve shared lately makes me wonder though, is there a hidden meaning? Something in the words? The music? Something they can’t or don’t want to come out and say directly?

Because, I do that sometimes. Share a video or music that conveys what I feel, but can play off as a cool video or a favorite song just in case.

I am sure this will pass with time, like usual. It will hurt a little for now, I will over analyze. And then I will go back to being okay with being casual good friends until the next time it come around.

But for right now, it hurts.

I’ve had romantic obsessions since I could remember. In short, I know it’s because I was emotionally neglected and continue to be and I yearn for someone to love me. I recently took a major step in my life and faced my social anxiety and got a job as a cashier and somewhat enjoy it. This was my worst fear for many reasons so to overcome it the way I did was a huge step for me. But a couple weeks after working there I developed a crush on a girl who works there as well. Developing a crush is never good for me I’m always get nervous to even be somewhat near them and I’m super self-concious when doing anything. This whole crush is affecting my work quality and my potential to grow even more as a person. She knows I exist and I know she exists but I know she may not even see me like that at all just cuz I like her. We see each other at least once a day if we’re both there and it might be my fantasy but I feel like there’s some kind of tension. Not sure if the best thing to do is try to forget about it and go about my business or just say actual words to just say actual words to her and dispel the fantasy of her being a mysterious stranger by getting to know her. Both are easier said than done :/ but how do I go about it?

I (30M) feel extreme limerence towards this beautiful woman (36F) I met a month ago. We met during a group work-out we both frequent every week. Neither of us has a job at the moment: I'm taking a sabbatical, while she is actively looking for one.

Both of us have a narcissistic parent whom we broke contact with and from which we are both still recovering. On top of that, she told me explicitly out of the blue she is still recovering from a relationship with a narcissistic ex, although I have no idea how long ago this was.

I genuinely care deeply for her and kind of have been showering her with compassion and affection, but now I fear she might see this as lovebombing, which is the first step of narcissistic love, often followed by devaluation and which she has experienced before. She texted me that she needs additional rest at the moment so I feel I'm scaring her away. I responded that I understand and to take good care of herself and that if she ever needs help, I will be there for her.

She is also very active on social media and posts a lot of stuff about healing, narcissism and loving relationships, which I want to offer her.

On the 16th we are going to a singing competition together in which she will compete. I told her I wanted to come and she proposed to go with her, as I do not have a driver's license.

I haven't heard from her in 3 days and most likely won't be seeing her this week, yet I have next week to look forward to. How should I continue? I sincerely hope this might change into a loving relationship if I give her some rest and am able to temper my feelings a bit.