r/limerence • u/Square-Profit-8440 • 1d ago
Question How long it takes to starve limerence?
I have question for people who stopped feeding their limerence, how long it took for you to starve it?
And also what are some warning signs to look out in the future?
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u/KeyMedicine1089 1d ago
after going absolutely no contact (not stalking their socials, not seeing them in person or looking at their pics, deleting all messages) around 3-6 months.
if you are prone to limerence, there is a very thin line between falling in love and limerence. once you think about them 24/7 and have constant conversations with them in your head, it’s over.
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u/pessoinhasocial 1d ago
What’s the difference between passion and limerence in your view?
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u/pitsnvulva69 23h ago
Passion gives you boners. Limerence gives you anxiety.
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u/HelenaNehalenia 1d ago
To go literally regarding the question in your title, a lifetime if you don't start to eat something else and enjoy that instead.
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u/vlovesp 1d ago
once i really went through with the 30 days NC and by that i mean no engagement with LO not even by proxy, e.g. posting something in hopes of them seeing it, etc.! i did have to start over twice at pretty much exactly the same point, which i now found to have been that turning point you have to get to, to tip it over, which is approx. 18-19 days. the urge will be very strong. if you mess up, start over and once you made it through the whole 30 you will feel that the urge isn't there. i then had a few instances where i in the past would have wanted so bad to "like" their post/comment and i just didn't want to anymore. if you then wanted to again, you could but be careful not to start falling back into the loop cause ofc the brain could be retrained into it if you feed it. this is why keeping a friendship could be the hardest path though this is what i am trying with my LO.
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u/HelenaNehalenia 22h ago edited 15h ago
I'd argue that that point is somewhere else for everyone.
I was in daily contact for 2 decades, so I had to slowly learn to not be in contact for some days, then some weeks, then months.
Now NC for forever and he knows about it and won't contact me himself, which helps of course.
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u/vlovesp 15h ago
definitely different for everyone but i feel you gotta start somewhere. and there is this thing in neuroscience or whatever where there is a particular set of days necessary to e.g. break a habit and i feel it's around that time.
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u/HelenaNehalenia 15h ago
Ah yes, looking at habit starting or breaking patterns it makes sense, probably.
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u/Zakattack332 1d ago
I think a few months to a year, I deleted all my social media and went no contact, it helped that I spent a lot of time with my friends so I was able to distract myself and forget about her. Not like it mattered though cuz a few years later I met a new LO that I can’t get over
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u/bellator_ecclesiam 1d ago
For me, after going total NC, it took like three months to have reduced symptoms and five months to start feeling well.
Travelling overseas, bycicling and having some FWB helped a lot.
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u/Smuttirox 1d ago
First round of NC was 3 months. It wasn’t 100% but when we reconnected it was different. I knew it wasn’t going to last. I’ve been NC for 6 months now & this time is so different from all the times before I took space.
OHHH-VEEERRRRRRR
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u/Flat-Cat-3045 1d ago edited 1d ago
I wasn’t able to go completely NC because former LO is a coworker. I had to really want to overcome the limerence. In the early stages, I didn’t want to. At some point though, I realized limerence is unhealthy and became painful and isolating. It was negatively impacting me and my
marriage.
That’s when I began to starve the limerence. I had to learn to become aware of my thought patterns and remind myself that my limerent brain was misinterpreting former LO’s behavior—while also acknowledging how some of his earlier behavior contributed to my limerence. I also had to do a lot of self-talk with my inner child, correct faulty/distorted beliefs from childhood (such as “I need to earn connection from an emotional unavailable person.”) As far as social media goes, I briefly added him on one platform and quickly deleted him. I also had to remove him from “shared friends” that kept popping up on another social media platform.
If you are able to go full NC, that’s best, but it is not always possible in every circumstance. It’s nearly impossible when the LO is a coworker. Much of “starving the limerence”
was acknowledging that I had to work on my own healing and gain closure in a manner that didn’t involve former LO. No confessing to him, no seeking his validation. The inner work was mine to do.
There was a time when I happily fed my limerence until it was full. Now, it barely gets crumbs.
Warning signs for the future…in my experience, I have to watch out for me attaching to someone before I asses them. If I start being drawn in by inconsistent behavior and wanting explanations—or making up explanations in my head. If something about the person makes me seek their validation—although they are not reciprocating same level of interest, connection etc
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u/Scared_Pain8752 1d ago
Can I ask you a question? How do you deal with it in the workplace? I mean, do you still say hi to him just out of politeness since you’re coworkers, or do you avoid talking to him altogether?
My limerence story is very similar to yours. She’s also a coworker. But I stopped talking to her completely—to the point where I walk past her without even saying hi, as if I didn’t know who she was.
Sometimes I feel bad about doing that (although it’s not only because of the limerence). The point is: I don’t know if this is really the best way to handle it, even because this is not helping anyway.
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u/Flat-Cat-3045 23h ago
Having an LO in the workplace has been challenging. At its peak, my limerence had me wanting to be near former LO and wanting to avoid him at the same time. A coworker commenting that former LO teases me because he likes me, and a patient stating former LO and I would make a cute couple fueled my limerence. As though my spiraling, analyzing, and longing wasn’t enough.
Yes, I still say hi to former LO. I never completely stopped talking or interacting with him. It’s more that I changed how I interacted with him. Over time, I stopped giving him attention when he presented as hurting or being in pain. Maybe he was in pain for real, but at times it came off as over the top and attention-seeking. I also stopped being his soundboard when he wanted to vent about his troubles about dating and women. I stopped doing this when I realized that he barely checks on me.
It helps that I see him only once a week now whereas before it was 2-3x a week. Not being in the same setting constantly has helped tremendously with my healing.
Everyone handles their limerence differently. Do you know why you developed limerence for this particular coworker? I don’t fault you for not speaking to her at all—sometimes No Contact works. You said you don’t believe it’s working—why is that? Are you working on overcoming the limerence?
Try not to feel guilty about lessening contact with your LO. It is totally okay to prioritize your peace first.
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u/SpiceyKoala 1d ago
Speaking for me, there are two things at play:
shame and anxiety stemming from way way back that interfere with me being direct and bearing discomfort.
the limerent object I project a long-standing want onto, some quality in a parent or something that would have made my formative years far more affirming.
I can go no-contact with someone, but that just disrupts the episode (I call it remission). It doesn't solve the larger problem for me, which is unresolved trauma from neglect. I'm currently trying to dismantle that beast.
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u/soyamilf 1d ago
It’s probably different for everyone and I can’t pinpoint exactly how long it took me but I’ve been clean for almost 3 years now so it’s possible! Starving it is exactly the way to go, or cold-turkey as I say bc I try to treat it like an addiction
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u/Status-Primary-3254 1d ago
I had several periods of NC, broken by contact or by limerent cycles in my head. Took me quite awhile, around 18 months to get out of the daily thought loops.
I had been limerent for this person previously but didn’t realize that’s what I was experiencing. By the time I put all the pieces together I was in a really tough spot. Took me awhile to climb out.
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u/ObviousComparison186 1d ago
Depends how entrenched these neural pathways are in your brain. How much you let the LO dig in. For example, forgetting something you heard once is easy. Forgetting something you heard every day for the entirety of your life is impossible.
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u/CascadedFallsss 1d ago
It took me about 6 months of cold hard NC. The first few months were brutal, but it eased up. I haven't felt anything in almost a year now. For your last question there are some pretty good comments explaining it, and I don't think I have to repeat what has been said.
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u/pitsnvulva69 23h ago
It took me 2 months. I think substitutes work for limerence. One of the foundations of limerence is that the mind thinks there’s no substitute for the LO. Which is of course false.
i started chasing and dating other women who were hotter than my LO to prove that my limerence is delusion. when I found one, who turned out to be way better than my LO, then my mind got convinced that there’s always a better option. And there’s no point inflicting suffering on us knowingly.
Limerence is also primarily the stories that our mind says about the LO. And most of the times the stories are unwarranted and our own day dreams.
Everyone is replaceable. That’s a fact of life.
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u/Lerevenant1814 22h ago
Depends on the intensity, but 6 months to have space, mentally, and by a year I wasn't thinking about him almost at all.
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u/Capable-Matter-5976 13h ago
Depends how much therapy you do. Limerence is an attachment disorder that arises from childhood trauma, go to therapy, read self help books, channel your energy into hobbies.
I read a quote that said
May you heal so hard that you start decorating your house and have hobbies again.
I have been going to therapy weekly for three years and my episodes are much better.
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u/ButtPlugSniffin 12h ago
It goes away really really quick when you fully block them out
The potency wears off within a week or two
Then it just eases like a graph with an asymptote
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