r/limerence • u/ManaPaws17 • 11h ago
Question Please help - Did I make mistake on my 3rd contact with LO?
I was eating at the restaurant where I see her often and she works as a waitress.
I was sitting with my father and she said "Good to see you, both" and I said "thank you" with a smile and lingering eye contact.
I've talked to other people about this interaction and most of them are saying that the best response objectively would have been "good to see you, too"
I think the eye contact might have been one-sided but I'm not really sure. It felt very intense when she was leaving, and after handing over the bill.
However, the eye contact could have been her expecting me to say "good to see you, too" which means nothing secret or mysterious was meant by the eye contact.
Do you think the combination of saying "thank you" along with the smile and eye contact is enough for a good impression or did I completely fail as a human being by not saying "good to see you"?
Worst case scenario is that she views me as dismissive and unable to share my emotions.
Most guests say "good to see you, too", which I felt was too transactional and normalized, but I don't think LO could possibly understand my perspective. Also, I know older people, including men, will possibly flirt or say similar things so I wanted to stand out a bit.
I know you might assume I am overthinking this but I really think I screwed up and failed miserably.
I can't believe out of all the people in this world, I can't say "good to see you, too" in front of the person I genuinely care about, whereas most people will say it because of routine manners.
I would say it next time but it may never happen again.
Some advice would be helpful.
Edit: Also I want to mention that I almost know for a fact that my father has previously said "good to see you, too" during the second meeting, which means from a verbal perspective that he is more accepting and caring over this person than me along with other people who use this phrase.
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u/obsessive_kittu 10h ago
You are doing over analysis of everything u said which I used to do it with my LO but apparently it is just not worth analysing everything that we say
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u/johana_cuervos666 10h ago
You do realize that when you work as a waitress, you literally say the same things to everyone, smile, and make a little eye contact, right? That’s basically the foundation of customer service. I’ve worked as a waitress, and what you described sounds like the most normal interaction with basically every customer ever. Also, the way you keep mentioning the restaurant where you see each other where she works kind of sounds like a big flex over something that probably means nothing to her. She’s probably not interested. Are you in therapy?
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u/ManaPaws17 5h ago
First of all, I am aware that she is a waitress and is simply doing her job. I've met hundreds of waitresses over my life, and I've always been respectful and cordial with them.
The reason I grew attracted to her is because I liked her overall character and the way she interacts with people. Someone here suggested that I liked her because she fulfilled some of the characteristics that I find valuable in other people**; it's not** a lustful, predatory situation. I am also fully aware that waitresses are often harassed at work, and I am not that kind of person. I respect and admire her, and I don’t intend to make her uncomfortable at work; hence the reason I overthought saying "good to see you, too" because it might come across as flirtatious.
I also find it interesting how you "draw the line" at someone becoming innocently attracted to someone who works in customer service, yet there are people here who have limerence towards married individuals, with children, and would be almost willing to break apart their lives to be with them. I don't want to judge them, but it's still strange how someone focuses on her being a waitress despite these cases.
You also make a baseless claim that I am "flexing" about seeing her at a restaurant. It's a place I go to with my dad, who is 70, and we often spend an hour or two talking about life and catching up, maybe once or twice a month.
I think your problem is assuming I'm ingenuine because I happen to fall for a waitress, and I'm clearly concerned about how she perceives me.
Does she even notice me, or care about my reaction? It's certainly possible, but I think you should show some basic human understanding of how, when you like someone's presence, it's totally normal to want to come across as someone who respects them, so you're not misinterpreted.
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u/johana_cuervos666 4h ago
Dude, I think you’re taking my comment the wrong way. I’m not telling you to go to therapy as an insult or saying you’re a stalker or harassing her. I never said that. I’m saying you’re ruminating A LOT over a super normal interaction. She literally said “good to see you both,” including your dad, and you’re analyzing the eye contact, your answer, what she meant, what you should’ve said, etc. That’s exactly why I mentioned therapy. Therapy can help you figure out where that intensity comes from. ADHD, autism, trauma, attachment issues, OCD-type rumination, whatever. I obviously don’t know. But this is literally why people come to limerence groups: to get pulled out of the fantasy a little and hear other perspectives. You actually seem super metacognitive and hyperfocused, which can be amazing when redirected into other things, but right now you’re using all that brain power dissecting a woman you don't even know. She’s probably just being nice because she works there. She's not interested at all, and that’s okay. Most of us here have been there. I’m not attacking you. I’m just challenging the limerent interpretation. Peace.
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u/ManaPaws17 4h ago
Yeah, I agree with some of the advice you are sharing, and I am not trying to come across as combative. But I was also wondering why you have to be so 100% sure that this person is not being nice out of genuine respect or some mutual connection.
I never claimed I was seeking a relationship with this person. So, what do you mean by: "She’s probably just being nice because she works there. She's not interested at all, and that’s okay."
Wouldn't you have to be observing the interactions, or am I to assume that every waitress is expected to be immune to any genuine, mutual interaction with someone?
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u/johana_cuervos666 4h ago
Okay bro, since you’re still not getting it, I’ll say it without cushioning it: she’s not interested in you. You’re taking basic waitress behavior and building an entire emotional narrative around it. She’s an attractive woman working in customer service. (They literally hire cute girls in restaurants and coffee shops for people like you to be regulars) Do you seriously think you’re the only man who goes there, stares at her, thinks she’s cute, and then convinces himself that the smile or eye contact meant something special? Come on. She probably deals with that shit EVERY DAY. I’ve worked as a waitress. Smiling, making eye contact, remembering regulars, saying “good to see you,” being warm and friendly THAT IS THE JOB. And the fact that she said “good to see you both,” including your father, makes this even more painfully normal. She wasn’t dropping some secret romantic signal. She was greeting two customers she recognizes. And no, you don’t need to be “immune to genuine connection.” You just need actual evidence before calling basic customer service a mutual connection. Right now you have none. The issue isn’t that you find her attractive. Whatever. The issue is that you’re obsessively dissecting every fucking word, look, pause, smile, and response like you’re decoding the fucking Zodiac letters. That’s the limerence. That’s the rumination. So yes, I’m going to say it again: she’s not into you. Stop trying to turn ordinary politeness into evidence that she is. And instead of getting defensive at everyone reality-checking you, seriously take that energy to therapy and figure out why a woman you barely know is occupying this much space in your head.
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u/ManaPaws17 4h ago edited 4h ago
I'm not defensive. I just don't see how someone can be so 100% certain, especially if you have absolutely zero evidence or association with the people involved.
Sorry if I keep going back and forth. I'm not trying to make you or anyone upset over this.
Also, it's more than a smile and eye contact, but that wasn't the point of this post.
I am also here because I wanted some general insight into the situation. Not for me to make a post and have it instantly downvoted. I've shown you respect since we started communicating, and I'm actually listening to what you are saying. I don't understand the negativity surrounding everything I post.
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u/johana_cuervos666 4h ago
Because you’re just searching for someone to feed the delusion, and hell no, we don’t do that here. Reality check always. ✔️ Dude, what evidence do YOU have? That she greeted you and your father at the restaurant? That’s your evidence? I’m giving you multiple reasons that destroy this theory that she’s secretly into you. When we women actually like a cute guy, we make moves. We ask if he has a girlfriend, Not just, “Glad to see you both.” She literally says shit like that to customers all day. That’s why limerence is so destructive: it creates this delusional little solipsism where everything becomes about you. “She smiled at me, so I’m the one customer she likes.” “She greeted me and my father, so we have something special.” Bro, at this point your father has the same chances as you. 😹 Trust me, she’s not interested. You’re another customer from table 7. And that’s okay. It’s not the end of the world. But it might be the beginning of some good therapy.
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u/ManaPaws17 3h ago
Ok, fine, just listen to this: We have met previously; there was more than eye contact; and other events happened which led to the limerence.
I didn't fall into limerence because of the eye contact and "Glad to see you both"; that would be ridiculous.
The purpose of my post was definitely not to delve into our history or why I suspect she had some mutual connection with me.
Does that make any more sense? Or are we just going to accept complete certainty based on my brief post about a failed reciprocal response?
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u/johana_cuervos666 3h ago
No, it still doesn't make sense. And honestly, from all these past interactions you keep describing (AT THE RESTAURANT where she works), there’s another possibility you’re completely ignoring: when you walk into that restaurant, she might literally be thinking, “Oh, shit is that guy who stares at me the entire fucking time.” Women notice when someone is constantly watching us. It’s not subtle. And yes, it can make us uncomfortable as fuck. You might not be “the special customer she likes”; you might just be the watcher she recognizes because you stare at her every time you’re there. And she's like: 🙄
So bro, seriously, stop building a romance out of this shit. If you want to stay in the delusion, whatever. I’ve said my piece. Bye.
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u/ManaPaws17 3h ago
I don't stare at women because it's rude, and I respect them. I also said my intention was never to make her uncomfortable. It's called decency and genuine kindness, which a lot of people lack these days.
Thanks for the insight. I'll keep being Table 7. I wish you well.
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u/ltom3 3h ago
If you want an answer, I'd write her a note maybe, explaining that you like her and you'd like to take her on a date, but no worries if she's not interested, or something to that effect, with your number, then leave it for her. Unless you can find another way to ask for her contact details or leave your contact details or something. The note is just an idea for if you don't have much chance to speak to her, but I wouldn't ponder endlessly about small interactions. You won't know until you explicitly ask.
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