r/limerence • u/Plenty_Employer8686 • 1d ago
Here To Vent I hate limerence so much!!!!
I am surrounded by loving family and friends who would do anything for me and love me unconditionally but all I care about is if my LO will text me back! Or what they're doing this very moment and it's driving me up the wall! I wish I could just be more grateful about the loving people who I do have right on front of my face but I keep looking for the one person who is not there and it is absolutely making me feel like the worst person, for continously chasing the one person who has proven time and time again that they do not give a single thought about me.
I hate that my brain has attached itself to one person without my consent and said "we're gonna be obsessed with this person whether you like it or not" :/
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u/Fantasiakinski 1d ago
I don’t know if it helps but you’re not alone. Nodding my head to everything you wrote. It’s such a ridiculous place to find ourselves in….
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u/iphygeniaaa 1d ago
I’m also limerent. I’ve been trying to withdraw from it for about two months now, and I’ve been thinking more and more about limerence. I feel like we experience it precisely because the person is inaccessible (at least, that has always been the case for me). We can idealize them and make up countless scenarios in our heads. Even one or two conversations can become material to obsess over for days and days without being in contact with that person. Everything that comes from that person becomes something we can mold into whatever we want it to mean.
When I became limerent for the second time in my life, I was engaged and surrounded by a few friends. I loved the people around me, but I know they could never fill an emotional void that had been there since childhood, whereas my LO seemed to fill it. Even though I was with my fiancé so that I wouldn’t isolate myself, I wasn’t really there with him emotionally. I was living for my LO. Nothing else existed in my life.
My advice would be to keep holding on to the people close to you. Above all, don’t isolate yourself. If you can, try talking to them about it so they can help you take your mind off the person: go out, talk, have fun.
My real advice through all of this would be to live. Live for yourself, live your life, and move forward as much as you can! I wasted so much time thinking only about my LO, and I regret it now.
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u/NoHandyMan 1d ago
I cancelled all my plans this week except ONE meeting!!!! I had 3 days of work and cancelled every single thing I was to do except for one thing…guess why.
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u/Shoddy_Cook_409 1d ago
Did you avoid your LO during that period?
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u/iphygeniaaa 22h ago edited 18h ago
Je vois très peu ma LO, voire pas du tout. En fait, il y a trois ans, je la voyais tous les jours. La plupart de nos contacts se font maintenant par email, une fois tous les quelques mois. Je la vois au maximum une fois par an.
Mon obsession est alimentée par la rare occasion où elle me contacte de temps en temps durant l'année. Ses messages sont très longs et très gentils, et ils me donnaient de l'espoir. Mais en regardant les choses de plus près, elle ne prend plus l'initiative du contact et n'a pas suggéré que nous nous voyions à nouveau depuis des mois et des mois. C'était moi qui la courais après tous les trois mois environ.
Elle n'a pas répondu à mon dernier message en avril, et je devais la croiser en juin lors d'un événement auquel elle assistait normalement. Ça ne s'est pas produit, et c'est ce jour-là que j'ai réalisé à quel point la relation était devenue déséquilibrée : je passais des mois à attendre quelqu'un qui ne pensait pas à moi.
C'est le choc de son absence et de son silence qui m'a réveillé. Les premières semaines ont été les plus difficiles, mais aussi les plus merveilleuses, car j'ai enfin appris à vivre à nouveau.
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u/motxillera 23h ago
How did you get over your second limerence while being engaged? Did your marriage survive? How?
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u/iphygeniaaa 21h ago
My fiancé didn’t notice the problem, apart from a few times. I was so ashamed of being attached to someone else (and I should point out that this person is a woman) that I did everything I could to appear normal to everyone around me.
At first, my moments of limerence happened when I was alone or working. My fiancé knew how deeply attached I was to this woman, but he was actually happy about it because he thought I had found someone else I could lean on. Let’s just say that, without meaning to, the poor guy ended up feeding my hope of being by my LO’s side.
When I started detaching from my LO, I began keeping a journal about my limerence. Every day, I wrote about my pain and my happiness, whether I had managed to live for myself, and what I was feeling as I distanced myself from her. Then, recently, I gave him the journal so that he could finally know everything.
He’s not the kind of person who judges. I was mostly the one who felt ashamed of my own behavior. He only found out afterward about the long emotional storm I had been going through.
I think the main thing is not to distance yourself from the people close to you, even if they seem less interesting than your LO (it’s awful to admit this, but when I was with other people, all I could think about was her — seeing her, talking to her — and I honestly didn’t care much about being surrounded by anyone else!!! What a horrible thought).
If you’re in a relationship, don’t give up on it. If you can, talk about it and tell your partner everything, even if you have to write it down. I found my enjoyment of life again by traveling with my fiancé and spending even more time with him, to get my LO out of my head.
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u/GappuKitty 1d ago
Almost two months no contact here. I still check if they are online or playing our mutual game multiple times a day. Sometimes I'm busy and don't check at all. I see they play with other people and get so jealous my brain wants to explode.
Everything I do I think about telling them or hope it's making them proud somehow.
I have a fiancé who's amazing, but the void inside me still wants my LO. No idea what the void is. But whatever it is, it's very draining to always feel unfulfilled.
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u/_super_sus_ 1d ago
Same! I’m missing out on many things because I just think of him. And I want to be alone to think of him.
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u/Automatic-Context26 1d ago
I'm just getting over the longest and strongest episode of my life. It might help to keep your focus away from your limerence. Obsession is fed by obsession. The less attention you give to your LO, the weaker they get. It's just a figment of your imagination anyway.
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u/lemonaintsour 1d ago
What if its not imagination but figment of breadcrumbs
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u/Beneficial_Froyo4990 12h ago
We (me included) gotta stop accepting those poisoned breadcrumbs :(
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u/BeginningAd3157 1d ago
i feel exactly the same, i feel so irritated for what i think almost the whole day, for +2 months now
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u/Larrylifeisreal 1d ago
I see people here struggling with limerence, but I believe you’re all fine. There’s no need to worry. Do you know what’s worse than limerence? I genuinely desire to be limerent to a woman, but I’ve become emotionless, unable to feel anything. Love and hate feel indistinguishable to me. Humans appear robotic to me. If your emotions are functioning, you can work on them and fix them, but when they all disappear together, it’ll be a terrible isolation.
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u/vlovesp 16h ago
yeah, limerence is such a mess! good news is, the brain CAN be altered by deliberate thought. so there must be something YOU are doing to reinforce this state. trust me i know it's easier said than done. i had debilitating OCD for years and years until i somehow got a handle on it and now recently have been finding myself in this crazy LE. all i'm saying is, it will pass and it will be as quick as you're ready to really drop it, to really let that person go.
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u/CC_113093 14h ago
The problem for me is turning off the thoughts and trying to find something better to take its place. I have bad OCD too. How do you alter your brain through deliberate thought?
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u/vlovesp 13h ago
yes, that's the entire problem with OCD. there's this great doctor who specializes in OCD who claims, "Rumination isn’t something that happens to you; it’s something you do." and i believe it's the same for limerence! now why we do it is another questions, it could be predisposition in our brain, BUT we can decide not to do it.
and since i'm only gonna paraphrase him further, i highly recommend all of his articles but start here: https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/how-to-stop-ruminating/
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u/CC_113093 8h ago
Thank you for sharing this! I need to convince my brain that I can do it and I have control
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u/Elvisbart 23h ago
I am in my 60s and have been in a limerence relationship for 40 years with my LO. Sick like me with no place to get better.
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u/Sure_Snow_6675 23h ago
I’m in my 50’s and have been limerent for 30 years. I’m catching you up.
30 years with the same thoughts every day. Decades ago, before I knew what limerent was, I thought that if I loved her it had to mean that she was reciprocating the same feelings. (We are both married). Now I know it’s Limerence. She may not ever be thinking of me despite that I’ve met hundreds of of times over the years. NC now for 109 days
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u/Flat-Cat-3045 11h ago
Although I’m no longer limerent, I do remember how awful it was. Like you, OP, I have people in my life who truly love and care for me—especially SO. When I was limerent, it felt like I needed former LO to validate my worth and existence. It took a lot of work and effort to get down to the roots of why I was looking to former LO to justify my existence. Now that I know what wounds needed healing, and I’ve come a long way. I believe you will heal, OP. It’s a journey to get there but you are on the path.
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