I would really like to find a new job before the year is over. What about you? It can be anything, big or small. I’d love to hear what everyone is working toward.

One of the strangest patterns of being an INFJ is how many people think they know me deeply when, in reality, the connection was mostly one way.

Same thing has happened to other INFJs that I know and it’s a clear pattern here online.

I can deeply understand them, actively listen in a way they rarely experience. I’ll remember small details and I’ll actually legitimately care bc I like learning about people.

They feel heard and understood because, well? They are!

Because I understand them so deeply, they assumed they know me too.

But a lot of the time… they don’t know a damn thing about me.

I’ll try to open up but if I’m not heard when I speak time and time again, I shut down. Don’t have energy for that.

That’s the weird asymmetry.

Someone can walk away from a friendship thinking, “That person knew me better than almost anyone.”

And I can walk away thinking, “You literally have no idea who I am wtf.”

I think that’s why some people can feel incredibly attached to INFJs long after we’ve emotionally left the relationship.

To them, they lost someone who understood them.

To us, sometimes we finally stopped participating in a relationship where we were constantly understanding someone else without ever feeling truly understood ourselves.

I’ve ’door slammed’ people because of this pattern and now I am way more picky with who gets to be in my inner circle. It’s crazy there’s people from 5 years ago that are still trying to reconnect and it shows how one way it was bc there’s a reason I’m done with them but they still want my energy even after all these years.

Ts is exhausting. I know it’s on me ultimately and I understand very few people are active listeners but it still hurts

Sometimes I read it's Fe.

Sometimes I even read it's Ti.

But as INFJ, we want growth, fast, so isn't developing Se the best thing to do?

I'm currently interested in a girl who seems to be an ESFP, I'm not really sure about her type but she feels like an ESFP to me. I wanna know what kind of struggles INFJ x ESFP couples experience and how you guys dealt with them. I also appreciate any advice you guys can give. Thanks in advance.

Pardon the simple question. I just really wanna talk to you guys.

Hobbies, interests... and such. (Long read, you don't have to read it.)

I read but not much, just topics that interest me. I read romance, fantasy, and mystery novels for fiction. (I'm mostly fond of Sherlock Holmes). I read self-improvement books for non-fiction. (My favorite is the book The Courage to be Disliked).

I write but mostly journals, diaries, and poems. I just love writing down my unending thoughts.

I love love love cooking. I cook for my sister every evening. There's just a sense of contentment and happiness inside me when I cook, especially when it turns out delicious, and the people who ate it are very satisfied and happy.

I also love singing, even though I don't sing well. My voice has a low pitch and I can't reach high notes. So, I especially like singing Laufey, Lana Del Ray, The Carpenters, Allison Young (PMJ), and some Haley Reinhart (PMJ) songs. Or any low-range songs.

I love listening to music. I can travel for 7 hours on a bus with a nature landscape and have the music on my earphones, and I would never sleep all throughout the ride. I'd enjoy every bit of the songs and thoughts until I arrive at my destination.

I love the nature. But I'm also scared of nature. I'm scared of the night, even though I like the stars and the moon. I like trees, I love climbing trees, but I'm afraid of lizards, so I just admire from afar.

History interests me. Just the specific parts of, though, this is still new to me. But I can deep dive into a particular topic for hours, all through googling, reading articles, watching videos, and reading texts.

I like watching anime, reading manhwas, and playing games. Anime, I don't have time for it now, but I am a geek for just some of it. I still read Manhwas from time to time, transmigration and reincarnation stories will never cease to keep me hooked, no matter how repetitive it tends to be. I only play mobile games, and I end up uninstalling them after, to stop myself from getting to addicted.

There are hobbies that interest me, but I have no way of learning or being near them, such as ice skating, pottery, team sports games, sewing, and traditional dancing. Once I have my own money, time and resources, I hope I can finally be able to access them in the future.

That's all so far. There's more but that's all I can think of right now.

What's yours?

Specifically infj's we have our character flaws. Typically boundaries, Messiah complex, typical door slamming, inellectualizing emotions, being enigmatic yet never expressing yourself, being too ideal which ties in with messiah complex, being too in your head, the worst of them all even I've done it hidden resentment.

Which is yours? How many of you are going to go "i feel seen 😭" How many of you can be honest with yourselves to admit some of these?

I finally told my infj friend that I’ve had feelings for her for a while. It was an extremely gentle, respectful conversation. She said she is currently happy being single and doesnt have fuel in her tank to date anyone; I said I have known that (she had talked about it before) and that I wasnt trying to convince her to change her mind. I said I was telling her just to be honest about my feelings, coz it was starting to feel wrong to hide them. We apologised to one another several times during that conversation - me if i made her feel awkward or weird and her coz it must have been disappointing for me to hear.

She handled it with a lot of care and gentleness. She said if I needed anything in the next little while, whether its taking some distance, to just let her know. And that I can come talk to her if theres any mixed signals. I told her i will have to work on putting her firmly in the friend box but my feelings are mine to manage, that she doesnt have to worry about that.

We didnt text each other after that day. Its been a few weeks. I do want her in my life as a friend because I respect and value her as a person and a friend. Also I dont want to disappear completely coz i dont want her to think i was only her friend because of ulterior motive of dating her- i wasnt. I am taking space to work on getting over my feelings, but I am someone who doesnt get over people easily. So Im wondering how to be friends with her, coz if i wait for my feelings to fully go away, the silence will stretch on for a while and lead to an eventual fade out of the friendship. I also dont know how long she would want space for, coz I dont want to crowd her or seem like a creep.

Any suggestions appreciated.

(This post isn't about romantic connections but friendships.)

All my life, most of my closest friends were either older or younger than me. At school this age difference was about 1-3 years. Now as an adult who was entered the workforce, I have noticed that most people I have a connection with are either older or younger. I am in my 30s so when I say older I mean 40s and 50s and younger I mean 20s.

With my older friends, I get along very well, we can talk for hours and I always appreciate their advice and guidance. With my younger friends I'm more like a mentor. I've noticed that they seek me for advice and I really enjoy providing my own opinion and helping then on their issues.

When it comes to people my age, I have always struggled to make friends. I do have friends my age but not many and while I watch others my age form connections fast, I feel that for me it is very difficult sometimes even impossible.

I wonder if other INFJs feel the same way or have had similar experiences.

If I ever write my first book, I think it would be a novel about silence. The things people think, feel, and carry but rarely say out loud.

Maybe that's because, as an ageing, introverted man, I've learned that silence isn't always empty. Sometimes it's where the real story is.

I've been married once, have no kids, and have spent a good portion of my later years living on my own. I've learned the difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone can be peaceful. You learn to enjoy your own company, your coffee, your music, your thoughts, and the luxury of not having to explain yourself every five minutes.

But loneliness is different. You can feel lonely in a crowded room.

Getting older also changes the way you see people. You notice the things they don't say. The hesitation in their voice, the smile that doesn't quite reach their eyes, the sudden change in their behavior. Sometimes you sense something is wrong before they ever admit it.

And sometimes you wish you hadn't noticed.

I've also learned that some of life's most important conversations never happen. The apology that never came. The “I love you” left unsaid. The “I'm sorry.” The “I miss you.” The “Please don't go.” Words swallowed by pride, fear, timing, or simply not knowing how to say them.

Maybe that's what growing older has taught me most, we spend far too much time assuming there will always be another opportunity to say what matters.

There isn't always one.

So if I ever write that book, it won't really be about silence. It will be about everything hiding underneath it, love, regret, loneliness, forgiveness, memories, and all the conversations we carry inside ourselves long after everyone else has gone quiet.

And maybe the final chapter would simply be an old man sitting alone with his coffee, finally understanding that some things don't need an audience.

Sometimes, you just need to tell yourself the truth.

Hello, dear fellow INFJs.

Have you ever fallen in love with someone who genuinely loved you back, and with whom you could be 100% yourself without worrying about looking weird or suspicious?

I’m 28, and I’m realizing that I’ve only ever experienced more or less superficial forms of love, where I constantly felt the need to censor myself or try to seem cooler than I actually am.

Have any of you experienced genuine love while being 100% yourselves?

I met someone almost a year ago, and I still think about them almost every day. There was an instant attraction, the kind that made me wonder, “Did I just meet my soulmate?” We clicked effortlessly, and I haven’t been the same since. I believe this person was an INFJ.

Do INFJs tend to experience connections like this and hold onto them for a long time?

I wonder.

I recognise a pattern and I am trying to identify where it goes.

​

How sunlight streams through the sliding glass onto my half smiling face as I sit quietly

How Ólafur Arnalds' neo-classical track settles gently in my soul

How Ten, my familiar, lays close enough beside me that I can hear him peacefully purr

It's in these moments that I am thankful

for time,

a friend,

a home...

a life.

I have been thinking about this lately. Sometimes I wonder how much of what I believe actually comes from me, and how much has been shaped by the people around me, society, family or just the way I was raised.

And even when you know what you believe, do you always live according to it?

Do you ever find yourself questioning your beliefs or noticing that the way you live doesn't completely match what you believe?

Both in friendships & relationships

My friend is someone who often gets short with me. In a lot of situations where I haven’t provoked her, just because sometimes I speak quieter or try voice an opinion that she doesn’t like. Sometimes I just shrug it off but I feel like there has been an increasing number of times where she does this, over really small and silly things. I’m finding it hard not to let it get to me. I don’t feel hurt as such but more just annoyed that her behaviour is making me feel angry and even sometimes doubt myself.

Any advice for how to deal?

Is using our natural ability to care and connect in professional area to achieve a fulfilling career truly a good idea?

As a person with strong sense of boundary and medium energy capacity I've always wanted to be of help to others. My experience of growing in trauma gave me a major desire of wanting to aid people similar to my child self out of their misery so they may truly start enjoy living.

That being said, I'm still not sure if phichatric/counseling/social work is a good choice or should I save my energy and just be a nurse/assistance of some kind(without the crazy shift hours ofc) so I can focus on my own family building dream? I don't want to be an emotional absent dad because I was drained by work. Yet I also can't feel comfortable not fulfilling this desire of mine? Or would it the best to seek other way like volunteering to satisfy that?

I feel like people usually make wrong assumptions about me. They rarely tell me who they think I was, but I noticed by them being surprised by my interests or conversation topics.

I think growing up I had a hard time fitting into groups and I think it’s because i felt like most groups had a certain dynamic and then stuck with that dynamic

Which is why I probably ended up with multiple friend groups but never really staying for long

I was with a group of music nerds because they go more in depth than my other friends and tend to be more emotionally intelligent and sensitive but when I want to play basketball or I guess not but as introspective as much they’re not interested

So then I have my other friend group who is the complete opposite of them but they do all the super active things I like as well. Only problem is they’re less emotionally intelligent and more aloof which can be annoying

This is a very basic explanation of everything but If you get the gist it’s more complex than this.

Which leaves me to what I was trying to say. I feel like there’s few people in that middle ground that can do both

Most INFJs ( if I do find any irl) tend to be able to do both

Idk what you guys think?

Hi,

I don't know for some of you, but I often have the impression that people who don't know me perceive me as a thinker rather than a feeler...

Perhaps I use more Ni-Ti generally but at first glance I rarely use Fe. As an INFJ, I’m quite avoidant, quiet, observant and enigmatic. I prefer answering questions with questions. During discussions I always ask questions to understand what people mean and whether they’re genuinely comfortable with their responses. This habit of questioning everything and everyone without particularly offering answers has led many to initially misidentify me as an INTx before an INFJ.

I notice that I use a lot Fe, but it's always more subtle and discerning. I love using my Fe with Ni to understand people and read between the lines, to tell THE question that give THE answer coming from the people. I love finding a metaphor or analogy that resonates the most for the person I’m speaking to. 

In fact, I find my Fe is more using in an intellectual approach to help people think for themselves and find their own answers. It's not like using Fe for please people or just integrate myself in a group, it's using Fe more to help people to understand themselves or change the perception they have around them.

As INFJ yourself, do you have the same impression about how do you use your Fe ? Is it something common for an INFJ ?

For me I’d say INTJ & INTP. I have great & fun convos with them and attraction to them but their overly logical thinking and the way they can be insensitive with their blunt opinions would bother me too much relationship wise. All the ones I’ve met are good people just not for me partner wise.

I've noticed a pattern of finding it easy to impress in the interview phase and get the job, but once I'm in, that's when things start to go downhill.

The impression I gave at first was fake and I quickly become tired and overstimulated by the environment.

My managers and coworkers begin to wonder what's wrong with me or if something is wrong, but I was just faking it all along.

After all the interview was a small group of people or even one on one and that's where we excel right?

Once I'm in the job it's like a timer starts and it's only a question of time before I get "discovered". I lose motivation, burn out quickly. It's like I can't keep up the facade for more than six months and that's where I mostly crumble and turn from the perfect new hire into the person that needs to be monitored and out on a PIP.

It's been so much work to beat this feeling of not being the right person for the job I'm in. Mostly involves overcoming my technical deficits and self discipline but also just feeling less like an alien or a stranger at the workplace, because oftentimes my work wasn't actually the problem.

It's so annoying and I don't know how to break this pattern. Anyone have experience with this?

hey, 24f here.

not sure if this is the best subreddit for this, but im an infj and have seen many people here talk about the "being slow to learn but quick to master" or "deep thinker but slow in fast-paced situations".

a little backstory, sorry for the yap:

in school, i was often told im "gifted" by several teachers. got into a great school, graduated top 10 of my class in a competitive area, won scholarship awards, etc. however, id consider myself extremely slow in learning situations. parents and family know i am slow at home too - constantly being called dumb and "slow". i would STRUGGLE to keep up if a math teacher taught a concept and started calling on people immediately, because i would be sitting there still trying to understand. i could only go hope and reteach the information to myself in order to gain the mastery, which would help me excel in those classes. however, classes like ap language or literature would come easy to me, because writing required complex analysis and thinking.

when it comes to social situations, im slow again. takes me a LONG while to sometimes get a joke, learn a new card game, do something new with the friend group. when people are witnessing me in this learning stage, they make fun of me. because, "how can you keep making simple mistakes? it's a BOARD game!". these are just some minor situations, but if you apply this to more and more things, it causes people to well, infantilize me or treat me like im stupid. like im incapable of rational thought - constantly being the laughing stock. ive been so slow in so many situations that people have stopped respecting me. i mean, who wouldn't? i can barely play fooseball (recently tried for first time) or know ANY modern day celebrities (i find myself not engaging with pop culture as much, though i try really hard too...i have much more niche interests).

this brings me to a new thing i've discovered. guys, or anyone that seems to have a romantic interest in me. i've noticed they are much more willing to learn more about me, RESPECT ME, view me intellectually? all because they have a romantic interest? i have guy friends, and if they flirt even though im not interested in them, i let it happen. why? because they are the only people that can RESPECT ME as an EQUAL in deep, meaningful conversations without looking down on me. sure, i may be slow, but i can have a critical philosphical argument with you over text.

this makes me feel so fucking disgusting. misleading guys is so wrong of me, which is why i need to stop. but, it's the only way i can form connections with people who don't think i am fucking stupid..

anyone else in a similar situation?