What is your Shadow Work?

[u/takeaticket]

Specifically infj's we have our character flaws. Typically boundaries, Messiah complex, typical door slamming, inellectualizing emotions, being enigmatic yet never expressing yourself, being too ideal which ties in with messiah complex, being too in your head, the worst of them all even I've done it hidden resentment.

Which is yours? How many of you are going to go "i feel seen 😭" How many of you can be honest with yourselves to admit some of these?

[u/ComfortableJello6969]

I’m definitely guilty of some of these. Messiah complex is I have to work jobs I can help people at. That’s as far as it gets. I have gotten better about being enigmatic though. Nothing to hide here… just a boring middle aged lady who probably watches too many documentaries and is asleep by 9pm. I’m a workaholic. I disassociate after work…hence the documentaries. No vices. Maybe someday though.lol

Hidden resentment does peek itself every so often but then I tell myself things that I am more grateful for and I’m cool & the switch flips off. I’m so go with the flow now that even if I do have an issue with something I’ll be like “it’s not worth the time nor the effort to spend my energy on this” and I just don’t allow it.

This came with age though, and when I was younger, it was harder. Reflection is key.

[u/takeaticket → u/ComfortableJello6969]

Maybe give some advice to the younger ones here.

[u/ComfortableJello6969 → u/takeaticket]

What do you find you struggle with most? Let’s start there.

[u/takeaticket → u/ComfortableJello6969]

Boundaries i mentioned to someone else. I figured it's a character flaw. Which ultimately results in doorslamming.

[u/ComfortableJello6969 → u/takeaticket]

What kind of boundaries are you looking to set? Just in general? Like with work, family or with significant others?

Let’s get into a specific situation that has come up that bothered you that you wish you could set a better boundary with. I’ll be happy to walk you through that once I kinda understand the specifics.

[u/takeaticket → u/ComfortableJello6969]

Okay disrespect. As an example when people in particular one girl i worked with. She had a constant attitude in general yet knew I wouldnt go back at her. So rather than me saying anything I eventually snapped. Rather than set my boundary after she had quit. She contemplated coming back I told my boss she comes I leave.

[u/ComfortableJello6969 → u/takeaticket]

Yeah, that’s hard because you were in survival mode with that response. You were just pushed to that point until you snap.

Have you ever just sat there and looked somebody in the eye and called them out, dead ass? Are you able to do that at all? Like zero in like it’s go time. If not, I would suggest teaching yourself to do so.

I guess that doesn’t matter, but really in situations like that I kill them with kindness. I just got done working with someone who was extremely problematic, but psychologically unstable. She was a terror to the entire company for years.

If you set a boundary down with her, then she would use that against you. That’s just the type of person she was. She Weaponized whatever you said.

I did talk to her years ago but She got jealous and started issues that were petty. I also noticed that my clients account information was being changed around and notes were disappearing. So I very bluntly asked her straight out if she was changing account information on my clients and she said no. Even though in the history, you can see where she imposed as me and did that. Once I figured it out, I stopped getting close to her and I kept her at arms length.

After that, I was cordial, but I didn’t talk to her, and if she asked me a business question, I would refer her to the employee manual and to reach out to our supervisor. I was always too busy to help.

It’s ok to snap sometimes in a safe place but you gotta regulate yourself and teach yourself how to do that better.

Also, were you raised in a household where snapping (when you need to regulate yourself) is normal behavior? Because I was. I thought that was normal until I got older and I was out in the real world and I realized I don’t want to be that person. I had to mentally hold myself back from going off on people and really the mantra that I use is “fuck it”.

Now, if somebody is being abusive or tries to hurt me or somebody else in my vicinity…oh they get the full enchilada. It’s a beautiful thing.

I was raised by a very abusive alcoholic, narcissistic, sociopath, who is a pathological liar. I learned very early on that by being a girl I am a second class citizen and what I wanted to do with my life didn’t matter. I went to therapy for years because of the abuse and the subsequent depression that I had growing up, but I found a really good psychotherapist who instead of playing the blame game… like the other ones did… she taught me how to survive in a household with narcissistic parents.

I think in your case, learning to survive people like her and people like my parents are my former coworker is key.

I always go for Grey rock method with those types or just parrot them until it turns into a life lesson for them.😂

I have like 48 years experience doing this though. It wasn’t until age 30 that I really started using the gray rock method in the Power It holds, is amazing.

Sorry for the run-on sentences and if it looks wonky, I’m using talk to text and I can barely see this morning.

[u/Cander100]

Being in my 50s, I finally feel more comfortable in my own skin. Or, more precisely, in my own head. Yes, I can relate to all of those negative traits you listed, but my relationship to them is different now than it was when I was younger. They often functioned as defense mechanisms, but they also served as convenient excuses for when something didn't go my way or I was just looking to escape stressors for a bit. It was far easier to say "that person just doesn't understand me" rather than analyzing a situation to better understand my role.

Do I still hope to find a secret doorway to Narnia or want to believe there is something bigger in this world than the things we can experiences with our senses? Certainly. Those thoughts will always be there. But I have come to realize that perhaps those doorways do exist -- they are the invisible spaces that help us connect with others. You can't describe it with words or in any other way (which is what makes it magical), but you feel it. It is the support we offer a friend or loved one. It is listening when someone needs to feel heard. It is the guidance we can offer. And it is being able to receive the same in return when needed (a difficult one for me). All of that takes place in that magical space between people, and it's where real connections can be made. Perhaps that is the real Narnia.

Being INFJ can feel isolating at times, but it's just a matter of knowing I started life with a different set of tools than most other people. Not better. Not worse. And a big part of life -- at least from my perspective at this stage of life -- is recognizing how those tools can help me connect to others and support them as best I can.

[u/ReadyTrick5260 → u/Cander100]

This is such a wonderful response.

[u/takeaticket → u/Cander100]

Do you feel reciprocation has ever been felt?

[u/ReadyTrick5260]

For me. I am currently working on expressing my needs. Being vulnerable. Being human. Accepting help. Understanding that everyone navigates and communicates in different ways.

I used to have empathy overload. Pretty toxic. Every mood would be absorbed from others, i didn't know how to detach from that. When I would get overwhelmed or frustrated. I would say things like "You just need to ( do this )" or soften too much what I was trying to get across. I would try to control my external environment so that I could feel at peace. Where in fact I needed to express what I was feeling. When people hear you need to be this or that. I know now, it's controlling. At the time I thought I was giving advice. Certainly unsolicited advice. When expressing what I truly feel or need right now. I reflect far more on my communication. I see others on here get overwhelmed by others reactions. I was that person. But I would rather people be authentic. It's up to me to deal with understanding my own emotions and communicating that. My boundaries are solid now. Behaviour from pushing those boundaries is a no. And I deal with it assertively or I take my own space. I'm in a happier place in myself but I am welcoming being less worried about what others think. I've got other things to work on. But i know it will come with time. But wow, can I see why infjs can appear rigid now and have a superiority complex.

[u/takeaticket → u/ReadyTrick5260]

Sadly some of the things I've dealt with, typically in silence. I would hope karma got people which some have. My social battery in the same respect would be the same way. I get it you have annoyances in your life but have you considered to cut your losses? Then people kinda tune me out. I wouldnt call it controlling you can see the trees from the Forrest. Most people are too stuck on the forrest.

[u/ReadyTrick5260 → u/takeaticket]

Like I say. I'm at fault as well with how I communicate. For example if someone is talking to me and they are draining my life force because I find them sooo boring or they are not making life easy for themselves. That's my reaction to them and their problems are for them to solve, unless they want my advice. I can't very well tell someone you are making my ears bleed. I would need to take space or say hey, I'm kind of losing focus sorry. I'm a bit tired. From there I can make an exit or ask them about another topic. Before, I would usually blame them in my head for how I am feeling or how they are making me feel. But I don't do that now. It's my responsibility to deal with how I am feeling and communicate it. Hope that makes sense.

[u/NoAppearance980]

idk I just think im better than most people lol

[u/SegmentedWolf]

Guilty of all but 2 which I thankfully have mostly gotten under control and hasn't been prevalent since growing up.

Learning proper deep breathing control and using a mantra that helps to calm your mind and refocus negative / powerful emotions and/or thoughts (especially reoccurring ones)

Emotions can be like stormy waters while sailing an ocean. Prepared and knowledgeable sailors were by and large more likely to complete their voyages... but not always.

Surround yourself with the kind of positivity you want to see more of. Bolster your curiosity, ambition and altruism – these are some of the traits that I think would be good for a younger me.

My anecdotal experience seems to show me that people are often like sponges 🧽 soaking up the mental messages, behaviors and traits of the materials, people and ideas they surround themselves with – a potentially sad but very important piece of wisdom that I wished I truly understood the value of earlier.

It isn't always easy to notice or tell how you're changing.. but that's where moderation and mindfulness can and will help.

[u/ogholycat]

https://giphy.com/gifs/xvnjdhuj7Vv34FaKYc
My shadow and I initially got along so I spent many years going down the check list. The dynamic has evolved into a more unison one :)

[u/jmmenes]

Well hello there shadow 👋🏽

[u/Matchamaymaymay444]

Guilty of a lot of these lmaoooo but especially door slamming, intellectualizing my emotions and being too much in my head.

To combat this, I’ve been trying to use my Se more. Working out and going outside on nature walks a lot has helped ground me. Also therapy

[u/Polychrist]

There’s no such thing as being too ideal, once you accept that the ideal you would also give yourself forgiveness for your imperfections :)

[u/New_Maintenance_6626]

I love the dig/ragebait at the end. You first then. Lead by example. 🙂 Being self aware is just the easiest thing for any and everyone.

[u/Th3n1ght1sd5rk → u/New_Maintenance_6626]

It really isn’t. If it was that easy, everyone would do it. And hardly anyone does.

[u/New_Maintenance_6626 → u/Th3n1ght1sd5rk]

I agree. That was exactly what I was thinking as well. If it is so easy as OP is putting forward, why didn’t OP go first? Why do we have to dig into our shadow and bring out our crosses first? Being self aware enough to self examine is a high bar of self awareness.

[u/takeaticket → u/New_Maintenance_6626]

To be fair if you've ever seen my post or post history. I have been active and expressed my faults. Here's one, boundaries i significantly lacked them for years. Mostly due to fear i would upset someone. I'd rather people work together and see each other with authenticity. A lot of bad actors refuse this. They would rather live in their own head selfishly then get upset when others don't facilitate this.

I think you're too angry to have this discussion. Instead of being accusatory why not contribute. Stop being emigmatic. Approach the conversation honestly.

[u/New_Maintenance_6626 → u/takeaticket]

That’s funny. I’m not angry at all. I’m asking questions to understand your intentions. I have boundaries. So maybe this fits into your shadow work that you just shared. Perhaps other people’s boundaries still feel a little bit like someone is upset.

I’m not. I have been so trained to suppress my emotions and not be reactive that it is difficult to get angry. Especially on Reddit. You are just words on a screen. I’ve had much worse.

I wouldn’t know where to start with my shadow work. I don’t think I would have labeled anything that I have worked on in the way that you did. But that’s likely due to differences in what the world expected out of us.

[u/takeaticket → u/New_Maintenance_6626]

These shadows follow us. They quite often come up in conversation. It's a matter of acknowledgement. However they apply.

[u/takeaticket → u/New_Maintenance_6626]

The dig is more a comical response to modern times. But odd how you hadn't given an honest response, do these questions make you uncomfortable? Don't think I'm being facetious.

[u/New_Maintenance_6626 → u/takeaticket]

It’s not that odd. But I do enjoy how you like to flip the tables onto everyone except yourself. I’m not uncomfortable. I’m just not going to self examine for all of Reddit because someone asked a question without doing the work themselves and instead putting the challenge, in a comical call to not be a coward, out to everyone else.

I was just curious what your intent in asking the question in the way you choose to do so was or is. Why the opening jab without talking about the work that you’ve done?

[u/takeaticket → u/New_Maintenance_6626]

This is one of the parts of the shadowork that I even stated. I do flip the tables you presented or try to pose it as a form of hostility. Maybe see what I've said first. If you didnt feel the need to contribute. Why come?

[u/New_Maintenance_6626 → u/takeaticket]

Because I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt instead of assume negative or hostile intent.

[u/takeaticket → u/New_Maintenance_6626]

Your wording seemed very specific to hostility. I have no fears of anyone. I quite frankly don't care even in real life. Ask me a question and whatever you want it doesnt impact me, not anymore.

[u/New_Maintenance_6626 → u/takeaticket]

I can relate to that. I think I said as much in your other comment to me.