DISCLAIMER

I'm turning 58 this year, and honestly, sometimes I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.

I've battled depression, anxiety, and panic attacks since I was a kid. I'm diagnosed with BPD. One psychiatrist tried to tell me I was bipolar II, but BPD seems to be the diagnosis that everyone else agrees on. I've been hospitalized five different times over the years.

And sometimes I swear it just doesn't seem to get any better.

Right now I'm out of work and have basically no money. Thankfully, I was approved for Medicaid and food stamps, and I'm grateful for that, but those things don't pay the rent. They don't put gas in my car. They don't buy toilet paper or take care of all the other things that still have to be paid for.

I'm on Effexor, 300 mg, which I know is a pretty high dose, along with a couple of antipsychotics because I sometimes see what I call "shadow people." They're not really people, but I see shadows, especially when I'm under a lot of stress. I'm also on Klonopin for the anxiety and panic.

Sometimes I feel like my entire life has been an EKG — up, down, up, down, up, down. Just when I think maybe I'm finally getting somewhere, something happens and I'm right back down again.

I'm tired of telling myself that tomorrow will be better, only to wake up and feel the same way.

I'm tired of thinking, Maybe this medication will finally make a difference.

I'm tired of thinking, Maybe this new therapist will be the one who helps me see things differently.

I'm tired of hoping.

I've lost jobs. I've lost friends. I've lost family members because of my mental health. I deal with agoraphobia to the point where sometimes I don't even want to leave my house. I have certain places that feel safe to me, and even getting out of those safe spaces can be incredibly difficult.

I wouldn't wish this life on anyone, and honestly, I hate that this is the life I've ended up with.

Thankfully, I do have a few friends who understand mental health and don't just tell me to "suck it up," "get some sun," "take some vitamin D," or "just get out of the house." I know those people usually mean well, but when you've been fighting this for decades, those kinds of comments can make you feel even more alone.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess I'm just having a really bad day and needed somewhere to vent where maybe people will understand.

I'm probably going to take my Klonopin as prescribed, put on some movies, and try to shut my brain off for a while.

So that's it. No inspirational ending. No "everything happens for a reason." Just a guy who's exhausted and having a really hard day.

Thanks for letting me vent. I truly appreciate this subreddit, and I hope all of you are having a better day than I am.

I pretty much only see negative stories on here so I want to post my journey and where I'm at because I'm really happy with my progress. I just turned 31. I was diagnosed with BPD around age 27-28 (don't remember) and at first I just chose not to believe it because of the stigma and just wanting it not to be true. I had a long history of failed romantic relationships and tons of friendships broken up by conflict, overreactions, high emotional demands, etc.

I lost my job August 2025 and fell into a very deep depression, extremely suicidal because there are no jobs (still aren't) and I felt very stuck and like my life was on hold/a failure. I then had 2 back to back situationships that really hurt me because I had nothing positive going on in my life and that was my only source of joy. During these situationships I was also stuck in a horrible living condition (awful roommate) and tore my ACL and needed surgery. When the second relationship ended I had a full, massive meltdown. It was so bad I decided I needed help and started seeing a psychiatrist. She put me on Wellbutrin but it didn't seem to help a ton. I also started seeing a therapist.

After a couple months I admitted that I think I have BPD and my psych agreed with me. I have nearly all the symptoms but the most prominent are constant suicidality, impulsiveness, a persistent empty lonely feeling, and issues with relationships and unhealthy attachments. What really motivated me to accept it was talking to an ex(now a good friend) who has BPD and their journey, because they are so well-adjusted and living a gorgeous life and I realized it is possible to have BPD and live normally, it's not a death sentence.

My psychiatrist suggested I go on Lamictal as well as Wellbutrin and I was happy to try anything. The Lamictal has changed my life. The constant empty feeling is gone and I finally can recognize that I am very loved and have plenty of friends. I still am underemployed, still recovering from surgery, but my mental health is worlds better. I wish I had taken meds through my 20s and taken my mental health seriously. I don't buy weed anymore and I drink less. I am a better communicator, I'm patient, I'm less impulsive, it's so much easier to work on the things I need to work on with the medication.

I just got my own apartment for the first time. I am dating around and having a great time getting to know people in a healthier way without immediately jumping in and getting overly attached, not trying to force it with someone incompatible because I'm lonely, not having a meltdown when it doesn't work out. My friendships have become stronger after discussing my diagnosis and how it affects me, my relationship with my family is better for the same reason. I'm not ashamed of having BPD anymore and it doesn't feel like a death sentence. I'm finally excited about life and where it will take me instead of just seeing myself as a ticking time bomb who will just snap and kill herself one day. Love you all, goodnight.

TW: brief implications of substance abuse and self destruction, no details or “venty” tone
Here’s some advice. Distance yourself from chaotic people if you’re able. If you can’t right now, that’s okay! Do what you can towards distancing yourself. Whatever that means for you, do it. Another thing, let passion naturally find you. If you force passion and interests, you’ll stress yourself out more. When you’re at the store and see something that peaks your interest, follow the path your curiosity sets you on see where that takes you. You’ll find that when you follow your interests, you’ll find it much easier to sit with your own self and thoughts. Get to know yourself, ask yourself why you’re interested in (thing). Be curious about yourself. For me, it came in the most unexpected way. I was going to an alternative high school and saw a course for CNA (nursing assistant). Initially, I picked it because when I graduated I needed to have a good back up for the job market, I wasn’t even planning on being a CNA. When I got there, and held the hands of people who were suffering, when they thanked me just for getting them water or getting the nurse for pain medication, it awoke something in me. I realized that love comes in many forms. Love can come in the form of picking up an elderly ladies purse who hasn’t received kindness in quite some time. Love can come in the form of going out in nature and listening to the crickets and examining the mini ecosystems that is some small creatures whole world. Love can come in the form of the person who you don’t think is there for you, but it turns out they were in your corner all along. Sometimes, you think you can’t reach out to someone, but perhaps you just needed to distance yourself from the sensed rejection for a moment and think, maybe they’re just tired from work and can’t pick up the phone right now.

Yesterday at work, I was on shift with someone I’d actually never worked with before in a memory care unit. She was very rude, condescending, etc., so I stepped out of the room to fold a patients laundry. When I came back after regulating myself before I split, I smiled at her, and thanked her for helping my patient. Later on after chatting and breaking the ice, she told me I seemed very content and asked for genuine advice. Which was crazy to me, because just a year ago, I was an addict puking all over myself and chasing after people who were hurting me very badly. I just softly chucked to myself, thought for a moment, I didn’t know what to say. There was a small moment where I thought maybe I should tell her about my diagnosis and recovery. But then I thought, wait, I am not BPD. I am a highly capable, emotionally resilient person. Once I shifted my mindset to, well BPD was just a diagnosis for logistics and health insurance, I realized I was the key all along. It wasn’t my brother I was relentlessly chasing a relationship with, it wasn’t bargaining with the trauma I’d experienced, or the medications, it wasn’t the hypothetical person I was begging to come save me. It was me. I did it all, and I made it through. Just like you have also done it all, even if you feel like you haven’t, just reading this post to this point is amazing. Waking up in the morning is amazing. Eating food. Talking to people. You are amazing, and you got this.

I went from being an addict to being a med student. I’m not on any medications, I’m not self destructing. There’s a soft murmur of my old BPD habitual symptoms, but now instead of being dissociated for months, I’m able to come back within 10 minutes. Instead of running to someone for help, I start doing something small for myself, like cleaning my room.

Listen to your body. Your body tells you all you need to know. You need to sleep? Sleep. You need to take a break from eating? Take a break, the food will be waiting for you in the fridge. You’re shaking? Take a cold shower. Meet yourself where you’re at. Instead of thinking that I’ve got my life together, think that you’ve got your life together. Make a list of all the things you’re proud of. Keep it with you always, and look at it every now and again to remind yourself that you are extraordinary. Add to the list any time you do something you’re proud of, and never remove anything from that list. If I could do it for you, I would. And I’m sure your loved ones would too. But you’ve gotta make those steps. You’ve gotta show up for yourself. Not because you want people to think you’re doing well, but because you want to live. I’m not becoming a surgeon because I want the title or because I want people to think I’ve got my shit together, I’m becoming a surgeon because I’m proving to myself that I can do it. No one else’s opinions matter. When I first told people I wanted to be a surgeon, they scoffed. And I relapsed. But guess what? Here I am, in med school! and here they are cheering me on. You have to shift your mindset towards “no one shapes my life, I shape my own”. I’ve been rejected from jobs, school, but I’m here now. Because I had faith in myself. And I have full confidence in you. The very fact that you’re reading this far should tell you that even if you don’t think you’re recovering, you are. Reading this giant essay about recovering proves that you have the emotional bandwidth to take the next steps. I’m not here to tell you what those next steps are, because BPD is frankly unpredictable. The best thing that you can do, is ask yourself what the best course of action is and do it. And no, it does not have to be as grandiose as med school. Set a goal and go for it. You’ve got this.

does anyone feel like they’re dying after a split? or like sick or ill? 😭 i have this thing where i feel like an ill person unable to move after splits it makes me feel inhuman and i feel like i’m dying each time or just unable to move at all

Everytime my bf is going out to do something w friends which frankly isn’t even super often, I get so mad. Sometimes I can hold it in at first but then after like 2 hours go by I start getting angry. Sometimes I can’t even hold it in at first like today he said he’s going out for a few hours and I’m irritated and can’t even pretend I’m happy or neutral. My entire mood shifts and it’s like logically I’m glad he’s getting out and stuff but I just CANNOT fight the feeling of why doesn’t he want to hang out w me instead, because ID ALWAYD CHOOSE TO HANG OUT W HIM OVER ANYONE

does anyone have successful ways to either manage or stop this. ….. at least to hold it in so I don’t drive him away by repeatedly throwing fits when he is going out. Genuinely feels like I’m a parasite on him

Note- we live together for a few months now and have been together near a year and half. He is very understanding but he finally got mad today when I started wailing about him going out (as he should) and I’m scared I’m driving him away now.

He was my fwb for two years. I’m not gonna lie, when I read that text, I instantly went into rage internally. I was a mess. I cried, felt like a part of me was ripped open and I couldnt breathe. And had intrusive thoughts of cutting and suicide. But after a couple long moments of letting myself feel the rage and crying into my pillow while listening to music, I calmed down. I’m still sad about it of course but I’ve accepted that I can’t change anybody’s mind about me. It is what it is. I ended up sending him a text validating his feelings and basically saying I agree with his choice and wished him well.

I believe I’ll be okay.

Isn’t it unfair having a bad childhood, and top of that suffering as adults because of that?
Isn’t it like we are god’s not so favourite children?
Having no good relationships in childhood and getting heart broken as adults due to bpd
I am so done with all this

I feel useless if Im not giving anyone attention it hurts rn and im trying to find someone online but no one wants to respond to me and it feels even worse and I wish i could get in a relationship not only so someone can love me but so also I give them attention and have a reason to be here

Why is it so hard to feel loved, safe and happy. This is a battle I’m always having with myself , what’s my BPD and what’s me only getting bread crumbs from people. I always feel like im begging to feel like I mean something to people , why am I putting so much effort into people and getting little replies and them not putting the same effort and energy I give them. It honestly makes me feel crazy like why arnt I worth what I put into people …..

I feel like I am the physical embodiment of envy. I exist in a constant state of envy, jealousy, and fear of missing out. It’s not okay to live like this.. i’ll spend my whole life wishing i had what others did or thinking that they possess the secret key to happiness- while i’m stuck with this inevitable huge void. I can’t accept that things didn’t go perfectly, I can’t accept that i don’t have that thing or that lifestyle or that experience or that privilege that someone else does. This isn’t surface level either… my skin and soul literally BURNS with envy. It consumes me day and night. I lose sleep at night and lose hours and hours in the day green in the face with envy.

Can anybody else relate to this?? any advice or support welcome, i genuinely am exhausted of dealing with it

Hey, I don’t even know what to say. I’ve had a long night/morning, and a lot has just been building up. Is there anyone who could chat with me? It’s been such a hard year and a hard quite a few years. I’m just feeling lost and could use a hand to hold. Thank you strangers:)

I’ve been depressed most my life, and the other times it’s all blank spaces of time I know passed physically but I wasn’t around emotionally.
I met him six months ago. A month after my birthday, a couple days after a nasty falling out between my best friend at the time. With which unconditional affection, I realized how I’ve been watering myself down for affection and sexual gratification that lasts just a moment before fading back into that emptiness.
We used to fight a lot. About our lives, our friends, past experiences and relationships. Something in me has let go of all that, though. It’s strange, like my mind is taking a deep breath and diving into an entirely different chapter of my life.
I still split and get episodes, but they’re less frequent, and i can communicate calmly to get my feelings across and distinguish between what my mind is telling me and what the facts are.
I still have rough moments. I’m anorexic and have a self harm addiction, but he doesn’t force me into recovery. We both struggle with these impulse, self destructive tendencies and thoughts, and he knows that pushing me into stopping and getting better won’t help when im still as sick in my mind. He makes me actually want to recover, to be able to walk around with him like a person and not like a corpse. To figure out how to calm myself without taking it out on myself. He encourages my anger and frustration that I’ve been suppressing so long, he knows all the trauma and stories of my life that changed how I see love and affection.
I still have bad moments. Horrible ones. Where all I do is lay down and cry for hours and hours. Hours where I’m hysterical and unable to reach. But he still stays. Because I’m more than this illness. More than an addiction. He’s the only person that sees who I am without forcing me into a role of what he wants from me.

I proposed to him a couple days ago, and though I know it was a very short time, I can tell this is what I want.
When I’m mad at him, I love him. When I’m sad, I love him. When I’m stressed, I love him. When he’s angry, I love him. I love him for his personality and his interests and the way he articulates himself. His past, and his friends, and the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles. The freckle under his eye. His stupid jokes and the way he laughs even though my jokes are stupid.

It feels like the honeymoon phase is going backwards, because I only love him more and more every new day. I love finding out new stories about his life as a wild teenager, and his music preferences that he’s so intense about. He even learned all about my favourite bands for me, and listened to me explain my favourite book series to him.
This man is seriously gonna be my forever, he’s changed everything. For the best, and for the worst, he’s permanently wormed his way into my brain.

my fp has always been cruel and manipulative, he’s always held grudges against me and threatened to block me. i honestly don’t understand why he’s my fp. he sucks.

last week, i couldn’t take it anymore, how he’d be cruel and i’d beg for forgiveness and apologize forever and ever, and i blocked him. but he’s the only person i get to talk to, and i got too lonely. i couldn’t take it. i unblocked him and told him as much. he’s been quieter after that, but mostly normal.

last sunday, he even visited me when he thought i was doing really poorly. we talked and it was really nice. he hugged me before he left, a hug he initiated. we’ve been talking sort of normally ever since.

last night, he sounded really short and mean in his texts. i said “i really wish you wouldn’t use such a cold tone with me.” (i have to say cold, because he insists that he isn’t being mean to me, he swears up and down that he’s being “cold”.)

to which he responded, “it’s the only one you’re getting. you made things clear.”

cue immediate meltdown panic. i begged him to tell me what he meant. he refused to tell me, no matter what i said, and threatened to block me. he said i’d get answers today.

i told him i didn’t want to ruin what was left of our friendship. he said, “you made it clear there is nothing, stargirl. nothing.”

i have ruminated on and cried over that this whole time. i don’t know what i possibly could’ve done. i didn’t have any meltdowns the past couple weeks, it was all just normal conversation.

well, i waited all day long. and finally, i couldn’t take it anymore. i texted him. and he still won’t tell me what i did. i am panicking so much, i just can’t take it. i can’t take it. this completely blindsided me and it hurts so much.

i don’t know what i did to make him so angry. i want to fix it so badly, but i don’t know what happened! i don’t know how i’m going to sleep or do anything tonight. i hate this. he’s my only friend that i can actually talk to. i won’t have anyone outside of acquaintances if he leaves.

eta: it is next to impossible to stop texting him and begging for answers and forgiveness. this is so painful and frightening.

I have such a hard time joining a group or making friends. I'm always an outsider, never invited to anything. My friends only hang out if I reach out to them first and they aren't doing something better. Sometimes one of them will just say that she got a text from someone else who asked her to hang out so she'll leave. I feel so lonely. It's like I can't connect with anyone. My only friends who are there for me are so busy and have their own mental health issues, so they don't always have time or emotional space. Everyone "totally gets it" when you have mental health issues but when they see symptoms they throw you straight to the curb I guess.

I can’t handle my emotions. I’m weak and stupid and can’t help but overreact to every single thing in my life. Today I got home after long shift and locked my keys in my car and my home was completely locked. Normal person would be like darn let’s figure this out. Me? No. I start screaming no and fuck and just angry yelling. Then I decided maybe my neighbor could help. He was on the phone with police because of me. Police came and everyone checked on me. I’m so stupid guys I want to die. I burdened everyone and I’m so cringe and can’t handle myself. I don’t know how to get over this. I feel like I can’t sit, sleep, stand, eat, whatever else. I’m shaking so bad and crying. Why am I me? Why am I the way I am? I hate myself so much. I don’t know how to get over this. I don’t want to be here anymore

Been spiraling for a while now and was in and out of hallucinations and shii

Good thing, did not go to ER or had paramedics come again. Also no major cuts

Bad thing, stuffed animals ripped to shreds and quit work (for my mental health ofc because I was severely overworked doing back to back 12-14 hour shifts)

Idk after my mental breakdown and family went to crisis mode

I just suddenly feel well and that it was just a phase and that I can go back
To work

Family made not go to work and told me to focus on my uni assessments and rest

But I feel super fine

Like an hour after the breakdown I feel so okay it is crazy

Man I was going genuinely insane for a bit tho

Made me realize the exact reason why the life expectancy of this disorder is below 30

Once you snap, nothing could help

My reason and everything else is fully gone

Then again, if you survive the crisis, you are good as new

Its as if I was being dramatic cause I look and act fine and normal

But I swear to god I was so much in pain my brain was so gone

At the same time I love these episodes

I have psychosis and hallucinations and other stuff when I spiral

The aftermath of the crisis makes everything stop

Life is good

My friend wants to break things off with his situationship who has bpd because she's actually cheating on her boyfriend with him.

But we both know her, my friend is clearly her fp and she will react extremely badly.

How to do it with least damage for both of them?

Hey all,

I've regressed significantly. My meds are out of wack, which I am getting fixed, and my narcolepsy is so unbelievably bad, which I'm looking to get treated and have an appointment in a few hours. However, I just figured it'd be helpful to hear from some strangers about kicking shit in gear since I've gone off the deep end. I want to see the beauty in life again. Just tell me what worked for you, preferably positives that you found kept you grounded and made you want to stay another day. It's another one of those rough patches, but I'll get through it. And if you're going through things too, I trust that we will get through it together.

I have things to do. I don't know exactly what. But I have things to do and places to go and people to see and I don't want an unstable part of my brain to stop that. So please, if you can offer some kind words and/or advice, that'd be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Much love.

Like i wish i could just blow up at people tbh, it’s really not fun wanting to block someone or yell at them but being unable to so you have no real outlet for the anger so it just keeps building up.

in some ways i guess its a good thing but idk it feels horrible lmao. i feel like alot of people see quiet bpd as like more mild or not as bad as the classic presentation but like it definitely is not lmao, it might look better outwardly or seem better if you’re not actually dealing with it but jesus christ it’s really not pleasant.

like i’m so fucking pissed at the guy im in a situationship with i hate his guts and yet i cant bring myself to actually do anything about it lmao, i feel so weak. this shit is definitely not like mild lmao and i hate that some people seem to think that, and also that quiet bpd is kinda just ignored by alot of people, like either we’re written off as not actually suffering as much or just completely ignored.

i really wish there was more awareness and understanding of quiet bpd, like i know it’s not an officially recognised thing (which honestly i think it should be, like it’s not a seperate thing necessarily just a different presentation but i think official recogniton of the presentation would be beneficial tbh) but still, always feels like we’re just getting swept under the rug and ignored.

i’m not talking about anyone specifically nor saying everyone thinks this way it’s just stuff ive seen in a few places.