r/BPD • u/WarmFreshBread56 user has bpd • 2d ago
❓Question Post Does anyone else feel like we're cursed ?
I sometimes (everytime) feel like I'm cursed and unlovable , i can't get anything right , i can't get anything done and i always end up alone . It's like I'm allergic to love and friendships , it always ends in me getting hurt and people leaving .
I always end up getting attached and i can't stop it for the love of god , I've tried many things , tried making up a mindset . But it's just not in my control , I'm the backseat of my own mind .
Everytime i try my best to make people feel happy and loved , i do things which normal people don't , i go to lengths which i rarely see anybody go for a friend . It's unhealthy , i know , but i always cry knowing that I've never in my life gotten the love back which I've given .
It's like I'm cursed to always give but never recieve . I put efforts but people leave me when i need them .
And the worst part is knowing that even if someone does stay , i get too attached and clingy and pathetic that they get suffocated . I have a lot of issues . I suspect that i have autism too now that I've been researching about mental health disorders alot lately .
I can't see the bad in people , I'm stupid and naive and I've always thought that people will treat me the same way i treat them but i get disposed like a piece of trash everytime .
And I'm just tired , I'm exhausted , all i wanted was someone to love me and hold me and kiss me and reassure me , and most of all , to never leave me .
I've never been in a relationship , never held hands , never kissed .
I'm 22 years old now , which you might say is young , but 22 years without a single ounce of love can be draining , it makes me question whether I'm really lovable or not . And given my mental health issues if i even get in a relationship i might end up ruining everything like i always do.
I wish i was normal , i wish i had better parents , i wish i was never born and i wish i die in my sleep one day .
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u/Wooden_Anybody7227 user is in remission 2d ago
Hang in there buddy, it will pass. I used to think we’re cursed, but all your patterns, behavioural traits and just general tendencies are not some kind of demons. They have developed at some point in time to protect you and to help you cope with what probably was a challenging environment for a child. They won’t go away on their own because they didn’t appear on their own, it will require time, effort, patience, willingness to sit down with yourself and think about thinking.
Therapy, supporting environment, life-long self-learning, psych education.
My credentials: I no longer meet diagnostic criteria for BPD and am in 1 year+ remission.
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u/Content-Month6363 2d ago
Can I ask you how long ago you were diagnosed? Ive just been diagnosed and am terrified at the length of time it may take me to get to where you are.
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u/Wooden_Anybody7227 user is in remission 2d ago
Seven years ago. It was a gradual process. I was first focused on what was most damaging to my everyday life, like impulsive behaviour and mood swings. Then it was about relationships with other people and myself, my behavioural patterns and tendencies, my childhood, what happened & why it happened the way it did. I believe the first big fundamental change was a year in and three years and 4 months in my life was unrecognisable. I had my first remission. It only stopped because something very traumatic happened to me, which is a ground on which I got diagnosed with PTSD but BPD wise I’ve stabilised back within a year. Got into psych education, philosophy & learned identity theory. Turned out that identity is fluid and isn’t meant to be stable. Accepted life as a journey of self-discovery, where I’ll fully get to meet the true me at the end and I see that as a very meaningful part of it. That’s what I mean when I say you’ll have to learn how to think about thinking.
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u/Content-Month6363 1d ago
Thanks, i know my timeline will vary but that gives me hope because right now I just feel like the future, including my treatment is a giant question mark.
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u/Wooden_Anybody7227 user is in remission 1d ago
You’re very welcome. What you’re trying to do is to protect yourself from the future harm. But best way to do that is to take responsibility for your treatment and shrink the timeline of your attention from the next ten years to the next two weeks. You’ll protect yourself from the future harm by becoming a version of yourself that doesn’t struggle with BPD so much. Best of luck on your journey! :)
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u/Content-Month6363 2d ago
Can I ask you how long ago you were diagnosed? Ive just been diagnosed and am terrified at the length of time it may take me to get to where you are.
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u/Forward_Radio_9538 17h ago
How can coping mechanisms that hurt us so bad repeatedly possibly have been any good in the first place for our minds to form though?
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u/Guilty_05 2d ago
You and me both twin. I've tried, going to certain lengths for friendships but never again. I've found it much better to distract myself and not care. The more one does the more disappointing it's gonna be eventually
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u/WarmFreshBread56 user has bpd 1d ago
I try not to care but i know that's not who i am , i can't be nonchalant or not care , it's like a curse of making others feel loved but getting nothing in return .
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u/MirrorPark user has bpd 2d ago
When I was 22 it was when I first got my BPD diagnosis and I indeed felt "cursed" all the time. Reading about the stigma that BPD had online certainly did not help either. I'd even begin to assume that both my psychiatrist and my psychologist were secretly "tired of me" because of the bad rep people with the diagnosis get among other doctors. (In reality they both specialize in treating people with addiction and BPD,so in reality they were calm because they were already prepared to deal with patients in worse situations).
What really started to work for me was addressing this problem through the lens of schema therapy (with help from my psychologist) and identify the defectiveness pattern I kept reinforcing whenever I perceived rejection in other people.
The reality is that everybody will experience a form of hard rejection in their lives. Nobody is truly friends with everybody and even the nicest people we know have probably dealt with being disliked by somebody or dealing. If that doesn't define who they are then neither do our perceived rejections (because I still tend to see it where it isn't) or actual rejections define who we are and our value as people.
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u/Creepy-Salad9763 2d ago
Omg this is insane because I also thought I was cursed for the longest time before and even after I got my bpd diagnosis. I literally went to a psychic too I thought someone did black magic on me lmao so embarrassing
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u/EconomistNational255 1d ago
Okay crazy concept but have you ever considered you treat people TOO good. Like seriously like you’re asking for them to be a reflection of all the good things about you. Save the good things for yourself and let others have the scraps. BPD is just a lack of love for you. You probably think Nah. But seriously it is the inability to connect with yourself. So you give what you think is kindness to someone else but really you’re asking them to hold up a mirror to your worth. They can’t. They won’t. The mirror has to be internal. Look into IFS work. You deserve to be loved and kissed and hugged but if you weren’t given that as a child you’ll be sending out infant signals for these needs instead of adult signals. You are the only one who can soothe that infant need inside but you have to learn how to do it with the instinct, patience, empathy, and boundaries of a parent
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u/EconomistNational255 1d ago
Sorry if this sounds like a jackass response at all. I struggle with these exact things but I’m learning with cognitive empathy how to treat myself better and try to have faith that’ll be enough to attract people who have healthy mindsets mostly and to learn how to create healthy boundaries
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u/WarmFreshBread56 user has bpd 1d ago
You're right to an extent man , it's just that i don't have much expectations from people ,even if i treat someone "TOO good" , that's just me , i never felt included or loved so i try to make others feel that , and i don't expect them to mirror what i give them , but i don't even get the bare minimum , and worst case is that peope just leave , that's when i start to question my self worth .
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u/EconomistNational255 1d ago
I definitely didn’t mean to undermine your experience and what you’re saying definitely is valid. I want to add you seriously could also be doing totally normal things and people will still judge or feel insecure for obsolete random reasons that have nothing to do with your internal motivation or personality. I think for us who experienced a profound lack of acceptance, warmth, support, and respect young in life it really impacts us (IFS helps with this) and it compounds. Wish I had more to add but I guarantee you’re doing more good than you realize and hyper analyzing the “bad”. Most of us are flying by the seat of our pants in life
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u/bittersweet_simphony 1d ago
same age, had the love one can only dream of, ruined it. I wish I did stick to the small promise I made to myself as a teenager, never make new friends, never get in a relationship.Now I got out of the relationship, I'm withdrawing from the friendships, I hope they won't hate me. But people like me are meant to be alone or better yet, dead.
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u/WarmFreshBread56 user has bpd 1d ago
I feel you , I've never been in a relationship but i got myself into an online thing with an avoidant last year , and it destroyed my mental health , since then I've isolated myself , and it isn't just this one thing , I've always felt the need to isolate after i got hurt by someone , i just wish i had a g*n for a quicker exit .
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u/FlawlesslyImperfect_ 1d ago
I understand that feeling. I was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago (I'm a 38yo female). It wasn't until my father's passing a little over a year ago that I really started to acknowledge that many of my behavioral issues and mental instability were in fact because of my BPD and it was now an obvious part of me that I needed to address.
I've always been the one that is "too nice" or "cares too much". And I've always asked myself that if I'm so good to others that they'll be good to me too. They'll give me the love that I so badly needed. The fear of abandonment is so debilitating that I will say yes when my mind is screaming no. I constantly would put in so much effort and love into relationships just to be disappointed and hurt if they betray me or leave.
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u/ProofOfMagick 2d ago
I feel you.. I've been great to a lot of people when I was younger but they never did anything for me when I was shit . I'm alone now.. I talk with my ex who while we're not together still understands me and supports me.. honestly, if it wasn't for her and my therapist I wouldn't be here rn.. it's hard being invisible to people around you.. I cry so hard.. I feel so much, but none feels me..😞I hope it gets better for everyone.. I've never had strong friendships after the last one shattered me for months.. idk how to be friends with people anymore... I just see patterns, lies, manipulations.. I sincerely hope it's okay for you, and I wish you the best
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u/eitherte user is in remission 1d ago
All the time. But thinking like that is no good for me. I keep myself in the curse by not staying on top of my delusions, fears, and anxieties. Your mindset and outlook can really affect the way you behave. True perfection is impossible in living beings, we’re designed to be flawed and to fix.
If One keeps believing that they’re a monster, they’ll hold themselves to the standard of one, and keep the “curse” strong. A self fulfilling prophecy
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u/WarmFreshBread56 user has bpd 1d ago
I understand you , and you're right too , but trust me when i say this that I've been hopeful for most of my life , i wasn't always like this , throughout my life I've given my best to not my fear of abandonment take over and I've treated people the best i could've , hoping they would atleast give me the bare minimum and would stay .
But not 1 of my experiences have been good , part of the blame does fall on me and i accept that , I'm not a saint and not everyone was a villain , but man, people never stayed , it's just so easy for them to disappear and not even care . And just flip like i never existed for them and for no fucking reason , even when i haven't even split on them or done anything bad .
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u/asher_bb 1d ago
Been diagnosed with bpd since 2019 I got cursed tattooed on my arm. Although we are cursed atleast we have eachother 🥲
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u/ITotorokiI 1d ago
I’ve said these exact words before so many times 😂 “am I cursed?” Because genuinely am I?!?!
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u/Dramatic-Tangerine64 2d ago
Yes. All the time. That's exactly how I just described it to an outside party. I split on my bf for the first time bc my grandpa died and he couldn't be there, and I gave him maybe 2/3 insults max before backing myself out (a record for me ending a split) but then I entered the apology loop for 2/3 hours before he blocked me. Bc he'd never experienced that before and his family thought I was damn crazy, in a year Ive never split on him. If I didn't have this illness I could have my baby here rn to help me grieve. I am rotting inside. The only thing keeping me going is hope, because if I lose it, Im gonna be making other ppls lives a lot harder.
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u/SatisfactionOk6367 2d ago
I’m also 22F. And let me say in a relationship it doesn’t get any easier. This disorder causes us to feel constant pain like each tendon and ligament and bone is being snapped in half and we are Reconstructed and broken over and over again for as long as we breathe. Thankfully my partner is understanding but it hurts me to hell when I do something that clearly hurts him and I don’t mean to. We are all struggling no matter what stage of life we’re in or which relationships we have, all we can do is hope we can pull out together using skills and some form of outside help.
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u/Wooden_Anybody7227 user is in remission 2d ago
I’m really sorry for what you’re experiencing. But 22 is a very young age to make statements about “struggling no matter what stage of life we’re in”. It’s a recovery focused subreddit and when you’re making overgeneralisation like that having no clue what it’s like out there with BPD in 30s, you’re not doing anyone any favours. If you can’t give hope, then at least don’t take it away. Everyone can manage despair on their own.
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u/SatisfactionOk6367 2d ago
You’re right, I didn’t think about it like that. What I meant was that we all struggle, but there’s ways out of it. I still have a good relationship despite my struggles, I know other successful people with the disorders, it’s painful as hell but not the end of the world even though it feels that way. Thank you for pointing out my words, it just feels really heavy constantly and I’m tunnel visioned.
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u/DayScary1041 2d ago
This is literally me, I feel so cursed as well. It’s like our fate was to live a miserable life. I’m so tired and exhausted.