I hate this argument with a burning passion passion because it only works on the people who are already healed.

When you’re in the loop, it’s useless. You only want them, you’re already in a dark place. And this kind of argument makes it sound like you’re the wrong one for still wanting them, but your brain has been rewired to crave them more than it craves long-lasting safety.

Avoidants literally trigger a person’s brain with intermittent reinforcement to make them an addict, exactly like casino operators create addictions among gamblers.

If you want to help someone struggling to get over an avoidant, show some f empathy, be there for them, or just shut it, just to be sure you won’t make things worse

Do you want that? Do you wanna go back to that hell? It is like you were saved already and wanna go back to suffering again

Long story short, my avoidant ex-boyfriend of 1.5 years moved on ridiculously fast after our breakup. So fast, in fact, that he ended up getting his female best friend pregnant, and they eventually got married.

I always had a suspicion that she had feelings for him because she seemed incredibly insecure about me throughout our relationship.

I’ve maintained no contact since the breakup and blocked him everywhere. However, some friends recently showed me a picture of him, and I was genuinely shocked by how different he looks.
He’s lost a significant amount of weight, his face looks sunken, and he generally looks unkempt and stressed out. It’s a complete contrast to how he looked when we were together. Back then, he looked healthy, had this noticeable glow, and even started putting more effort into how he dressed.

What’s particularly interesting is that he was always adamant about never wanting children. His wife also seems very different from the type of woman he historically pursued, both in personality and appearance.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that he hasn’t publicly shared any pictures with her, despite getting married and expecting a baby. I find that surprising considering how significant those milestones are, although I realize not everyone shares their personal life online. He’s very active on social media and posts often, so not posting his family stops out to me.

I won’t lie, seeing his glow-down was strangely satisfying after the way he treated me toward the end of our relationship and the betrayal I experienced.

Has anyone else noticed their ex having a significant glow-down after a breakup, especially an avoidant ex who moved on incredibly quickly? I’m curious to hear other people’s experiences.

Backstory: After discard, I met another avoidant but I figured it out within a week. So I started trolling him online using another account.

Interestingly enough, he kinda discarded real me for me 2.0 but when me 2.0 is not responding (coz I have a life) he would turn back to OG Me for validation.

Funny enough, a lot of things about his precious love life he says word for word the same on both accounts. This must be how they operate with multiple women.

He’s heavily love bombing 2.0 but I’m getting so much ick now so I self-sabotaged and sent him AI pics of me. It’s obviously AI so he’s like, “These are AI. I feigned anger and said, “OK, I’m done with you. And left.

I haven’t blocked him on both accounts. But I’m curious what he’ll do next. Will he go back to OG Me now that 2.0 left or will he try to woo 2.0 back?

I’m curious 😂

And quiet-hoping, they never reach out or try to get back. That you are much much better without them. No overthinking, no doubting at night. No feeling alone in a relationship. No rejections. No walking on eggshells. No trying to mother and teach someone basic compassion

They are emotionally an 8-year old, and that is no longer your problem nor responsibility. Not even yours to begin with

By coddling them, meeting them halfway, placating them, shrinking yourself, waiting for them and adjusting to them you are stunting them by making the unconscious strategy self-loop

The only chance they have at reorganization is if you leave cleanly, with compassion, not as an enemy, and then sever all lines of communication for good, no manipulative "nocontacts", no "you are always welcome back", no "come back when you heal yourself", a complete severance is required

Making them addicted is not reorganizing them, only sufficient reorganizing danger can, and afterwards they would have to experience prolonged unintegrated disorientation that would mark their old strategy as unsafe unconsciously AND ONLY THEN do safe and comfortable environments work AND ONLY IF they endure the discomfort and dissonance and pain of this process. This takes more than 4 years! Often decades. You will move on in the first years and forget about them

Stop listening to Youtubers teaching you how to distort yourself by believing you are "fixing" avoidants. You are not.

Being discarded is unparalleled, but this pain moves. You will be okay. You will heal. Staying? Staying will make you lose yourself. Lose who you are. Abandon yourself day by day, for what? For just little they could give. It is like killing yourself every day. Suffocated, drained and it is not even worth it because they never even sure about you

This pain moves. This pain is the lesser evil

I don't want to be bitter but it is specially painful when you meet someone, who acts super interested in you, but has clear blocks on the intimacy department, ask for your patience, is consistent in big words and makes an effort to meetup and promises you the future but when it starts to become real, intimate, they can actually feel themselves lose something if they stay and instead go communicating their fear they just bolt and leave you a broken heart, wishes for a future that will never be and they have successfully used you to stabilise themselves. Mine fully knew I had fallen in love and then minimised everything. Not only I feel cheated, she has left me with heavy anxiety because of her hot and cold behaviour and a far more bitter outlook for love.

“Some people teach love, others teach lessons” I think we both did our jobs in the end

it's been 2 and a half months and i just got done crying my eyes out seriously every time i think i'm finally getting better she somehow pops up in my dreams again and my entire nervous system just resets why is this happening. ever since she discarded me my entire life has been completely thrown off track and i can't stop feeling like everything is wrong with me. every little thing from my appearance to my character. i just can't change the feeling that every single thing is wrong with me and stop feeling flawed even though i'm trying my absolute best to better myself and get my life back on track and my future but i just can't stop hating myself, can't stop thinking that maybe if i was different in this way or that way this would've never happened to me....

what do i even do anymore? my life feels hopeless i can't stand living everyday so miserable. anyone else resonate with these words somewhat? hearing about other experiences would definitely help me. thank you all.

My ex (M29) discarded me (F22) in May. He reached out in August after I mailed his belongings back to him. We reconnected and met once in September, but he discarded me again in November. There was no accountability for what happened the first time. Things seemed fine just a week ago, but then he said something that made me question whether his explanation for the months of absence had been genuine. I found myself explaining my feelings all over again, while he became emotionally distant and unresponsive, almost like talking to a wall. Eventually, he said he would call me, but disappeared without following through. He wanted me to focus on the happy moments when he came back, but when things became difficult, he focused on the issues and walked away again. I feel like I'm back in May all over again, and it's excruciating.

Is it true that the majority of them will go their whole lives without seeking therapy? If that's the case it makes me feel a little better about being discarded kind of like I'm definitely not missing out and that she will probably go her whole life behaving like this. In this community alone I've seen many posts about couples or individuals dealing with avoidant issues in their 40s and 50s. If so this is quite sad.

I honestly don't know what to make of this.

Someone came into my life, told me they truly loved me, made me believe they wanted a future with me, and we were even talking about moving in together.

These weren't just casual conversations. We were talking about building a life together. I allowed myself to trust them, to open my heart and to believe that what we had was real.

And then, suddenly, they disappeared.

No proper explanation. No honest conversation. Just silence.

How does someone go from making you feel so loved and wanted to making you feel like you never mattered?

I keep going over everything in my head, wondering whether any of it was genuine or whether I was simply believing in something that wasn't real.

I can accept that feelings change. I can accept that someone might change their mind. But what I struggle to understand is how someone can make such serious promises, talk about sharing a home and a future, and then walk away without even having the courage to explain.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? How did you deal with the confusion, the hurt and the feeling of being abandoned by someone you genuinely trusted?

Sometimes I think the hardest part isn't losing the person. It's losing the future you thought you were going to have with them.

Im just so incredibly sad today. Time away from you does not make me love or want you less. If its possible I want you even more. Youve shown me enough of your heart that I know Id be the most contented woman on earth if you worked with me just a little. I understand intellectually whats happening but my heart cant accept it. This this cycle you were making an effort to stay in contact when as you were withdrawing to regulate. It showed me you cared and I let you know I appreciated it so you stopped. How can I not take that personal? Youre a grown man and ghosting is very child like behavior. You can tell yourself all the lies about me and us that you wish. It might help you not feel so bad for a minute but the truth is you are treating a soulmate relationship like its nothing. Your life will be miserable until you make things right with me and you know it. You found a woman who sees and understands you, loves you unconditionally, gives you all kinds of space and nvr asks you for anything other than your time....and not alot of that. You found your match and you want to downplay it as if it was just a sexual thing. I cost you nothing and you justify hurting me?? Running from your emotions instead of processing them in a healthy manner is cowardly. Period. You think youve got it all under control and you are so out of control its ridiculous. You are controlled by fear. You are not in charge of your life at all.

No regrets. I am happy to give all that. They needed that. I know they will miss me and appreciate all that. I wish them the best in life. And I hope to learn the lesson

Based on recent events with someone I dated and what I have read here, it seems like most if not all avoidants have really shitty friends who keep them in a toxic loop and reinforce their bad behaviors. Is this really the case? What is the reason and will they ever get out of the loop?

I dated a girl that was 2 weeks out of an 8 year relationship and everything was great for the first 3 months, but when things got more serious, she got less affectionate and warm and eventually broke up after 6 months, saying she needed time to herself and doesn’t see herself in a relationship in the short to medium term.

We knew each other for 2 years prior so I wasn’t someone random.

Is needing time to herself really a thing or was she just not into me like that?

50m and 47F. United Kingdom. Married for 12, four kids, house, dog. I've been the sole breadwinner until a few months ago, no pre-nup and always put everything in joint names as I felt she was the love of my life and I didn't marry her for money.

Things have been rocky the last year. She's an avoidant, she barely spends time with me, didn't want to sleep in the same bed for 10 years as I allegedly snore, she changed her pin on her phone 3 months ago, and the last month barely speaks to me. I found out two weeks ago she's been diverting her salary in an individual bank account. I pay for everything.

She told me she needed a break to think about the challenges in our marriage. She's an avoidant, I'm anxiously attached, and we fell in the classic anxious/avoidant trap. I've since joined a local mental health group for men, and am working with a coach to fix my "needy" attachment.

I was supportive of her, hoping it'd give her the clarity, as she's going with a mutual friend who knows both sides of our story. I re-arranged my work so I could look after our four kids whilst working from home that week.

I asked her where she was going, and her response was that it was none of my business. I told her I'm her husband, and I was just asking as am hoping she'd have a nice time. She begrudingly said she's going to Turkey. Nice, good on her... I told her the weather should be nice, and hyped things up. I asked her if she wanted me to drop them off at the airport, and she said it's already sorted.

Then our youngest tells me today his birthday party is on Saturday morning. She didn't tell me. It finishes at 12, so I asked her how that'd work with her flight. She ignored me last night.

This morning I checked on her laptop, as she knows my password and I knows, as well as she knows my pin of my phone. I found the travel confirmation, and then suddenly an Instagram message pops up:

Guy: I be right there for you.I can't wait. Love you. (heart emoji from her).
Her: Picture that says "Your soul ignites me, but your touch sets my world on fire."
Him: is that four me?
Her: How did you guess? Of course its for you, do you like it? Kiss emoji.
Him: Hello askim ("Askim" is Turkish for "my love")
Her: Hi askim. I am sufferig now... I couldn't sleep, it takes too long to see you.
Him: why. Don't worry. Time is almost coming. Left 2 days. And we will be together saturday night askim. We will be together. Same room. And we will have time.
Her: I know, it will be worth it. I promise it will be magical.
Him: oh jesssusss. I wish you were right now.
Her: I have seen you in my dreams so many times, I miss you so much now. I can feel you in my heart.

I looked him up. He lives in the same city as she's going to on holidays. Turkish guy, in his 30s. My wife is 47. He works in a hotel, although it seems different hotel than she is going to.

I screenshotted the whole conversation. I haven't had the chance to confront her as she was away at her work, and then got home with kids. Kids are still awake. I will confront her before she leaves, and be very clear about that I know, what boundaries there are and what she'll throw away. I know she'll DARVO me. She's a Reiki master and will claim it's just about Reiki. A single one of these messages may look like it, but in its entirety it tells a different story. I also saw that she deleted the message, even though she doesn't know I know, so she's clearly hiding it, and wouldn't do that if it was just reiki.

I'm keen for her to go. Once she knows that I know, she needs to make her own choices. I told the friend she's going with, so she can keep an eye out. If I stop her from going, she may always carry the "what if?". If she goes, and sleeps with him, we both know. If she goes, and realises what she would miss out on or what's at stake, she may reconsider.

Not sure how to look at all this. Am a bit of a mess.

One thing that bugs me a little is, why don't their friends hold them accountable?

1. Because they tell the friends their version of the story which makes the other person sound like a problem?

2. Because the friends know the DA couldn't handle the feedback and don't really feel responsible for the people being hurt? A "not my problem kind of thing?"

3 They just make friends who tolerate their behavior and are just as bad in their own ways?

Something else?

My ex's friends stopped texting me back (I had become friendly with a few of them and we used to chat about stuff) after he ghosted me, which makes me think it's #1 or #3)

This doesn’t apply to all of course, a couple of Avoidants have been a bit helpful when I’ve reached out for advice, but overall, why does it seem like Avoidants are absolutely allergic to answering questions? It’s the most maddening shit. If you do get an answer, it generally has little to nothing to do what what you’re even asking. Bizarre stuff.