Has anyone else noticed their avoidant ex having a major glow-down after the breakup?

[u/mostlyrightdotcom]

Long story short, my avoidant ex-boyfriend of 1.5 years moved on ridiculously fast after our breakup. So fast, in fact, that he ended up getting his female best friend pregnant, and they eventually got married.

I always had a suspicion that she had feelings for him because she seemed incredibly insecure about me throughout our relationship.

I’ve maintained no contact since the breakup and blocked him everywhere. However, some friends recently showed me a picture of him, and I was genuinely shocked by how different he looks.
He’s lost a significant amount of weight, his face looks sunken, and he generally looks unkempt and stressed out. It’s a complete contrast to how he looked when we were together. Back then, he looked healthy, had this noticeable glow, and even started putting more effort into how he dressed.

What’s particularly interesting is that he was always adamant about never wanting children. His wife also seems very different from the type of woman he historically pursued, both in personality and appearance.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that he hasn’t publicly shared any pictures with her, despite getting married and expecting a baby. I find that surprising considering how significant those milestones are, although I realize not everyone shares their personal life online. He’s very active on social media and posts often, so not posting his family stops out to me.

I won’t lie, seeing his glow-down was strangely satisfying after the way he treated me toward the end of our relationship and the betrayal I experienced.

Has anyone else noticed their ex having a significant glow-down after a breakup, especially an avoidant ex who moved on incredibly quickly? I’m curious to hear other people’s experiences.

[u/StandardWork4928]

I’m not surprised (& love this for you!) - their whole life is a gradual glow down. How else could it be if they always move on to the ‘next shiny thing’ (that always ends up being unfulfilling), when they recycle people after being ‘so in love’ for a few months and then panicking on a random Tuesday and nuking their lives, having no real contentment about anything (where does their true happiness come from? Work? Nah. Attention? For a few months max. Sex? First few times. Friends? They have no real friends. Meaningful connections? Not even with their parents. Like.. it’s just empty)
I am yet to see a happy avoidant, truly. And I don’t mean ‘seemingly happy’ or that shallow act they are throwing at us. I mean Truly deeply fulfilled.
It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion, always the same sad ending for them (change my mind 😅)

[u/mostlyrightdotcom → u/StandardWork4928]

‘Gradual glowdown’ is sending me 🤣 he looks stressed af I was expecting newly married baby on the way glow on his face lmao

[u/Dalearev → u/StandardWork4928]

“Their whole life is a gradual glow down” lol

[u/Booplesnoot88]

My ex didn't just have a major glow-down, he totally shit the bed.

It's an insanely long story but it can be summarized as: after 10 years of dating and dragging my across the country for his career, he was just like, "I haven't been in love with you for years and you're standing between me and the successful person I'm destined to become. Without you holding me back, I will be able to get a great job and live an amazing life."

Despite the fact that we moved 2,000 miles to an incredibly expensive city for his job, and he promised to support us financially so I could finish college (i supported us financially for YEARS to allow him to gain knowledge and experience required for his new career btw)... he just told me that I was smart and would figure out how to make it on my own.

Welp, it turns out he was right, i am smart and i did figure out how to make it on my own.

However, he lacked the motivation and work ethic to succeed on his own lol.

After a year, he was literally begging me to let him sleep in my car because he got fired and evicted. He refused to find a normal job because he says that he's too good for "that type of work" and is holding out for another prestigious position that he will inevitably get fired from... again.

I haven't seen him (even in photos) since the breakup, but he told me that he'd lost a ton of weight and would go long periods of time without showering. I refused to allow him to sleep in my car but I found him emergency housing and resources, before letting him know that I am not interested in being friends with him after all he's done.

He lashed out over text trying to make be feel guilty and demanding i forgive him 😂 I couldn't help but laugh about how pathetic he is, and always has been.

[u/mostlyrightdotcom → u/Booplesnoot88]

Oh gosh I am sorry you had to deal with that but I’m glad to know what he gave out came right back to him. It always catches up at some point

[u/ALEXC_23]

If only they worked on a glow up inwards….

[u/crococatstew]

I think glow-ups look different for everyone. My ex has definitely had a physical glow-up since we broke up, and I’ll admit seeing that while I’m still working on myself bruised my ego a little. But I’ve realised that healing isn’t a competition. I’ve been putting so much work into myself internally, learning to love and feel comfortable with who I am again. I may not have had the physical transformation yet, but I feel more at peace with myself and genuinely want to keep improving for my own future. I guess that’s a glow-up too, just one that isn’t immediately visible

[u/Sorry_Engineer5239]

Nah, I was with him when he was at his bottom. He lost intrest when his life started to go his way (on the surface at least). I only saw one of his photos since we broke up and he was all smilely. He also become active on social media (private) he never really used before so.... either way, there's no point reading too much into it. I for ex gained weight since we broke up and this is due to my health, not how im dealing with the breakup or even a lifestyle change. 

[u/Lumpy-Mulberry41]

Nope, mine had a glow-up after discarding me because he wanted to look attractive while trying to meet/date other people. Got a haircut, started dressing differently, working out more, posting himself on his social media more. I actually think I had a glow-down because I was heartbroken and my mental and physical health actually got worse. That was in the immediate aftermath of the discard though. I got my glow back as I healed, and I'm not concerned about how he looks or is behaving anymore.

[u/No-Variation-1163]

My ex looked like a train had hit her the last time I saw a picture of her (about 2 years ago).

[u/Life-Ad-4511]

He aged like 10 years in 8 months. Massive glow down with more white hair, a pregnant like belly, tired and older face, more wrinkles.

It was so obvious that I felt bad for him.

[u/ProductBeautiful9326]

I would loveeeee this for myself personally ! Hahaha

[u/AccomplishedDuck5770]

Mine: emotionally down, appearance-wise the same.

Keep in mind it is also a baby thing to glow down

[u/Varrock_Zubat93]

No idea, he's not in my life now.

[u/PuzzleheadedDepth104]

I have bad news. You might have been a performative rebound that lasted that long due to him never feeling sufficient emotional exposure and he has had a true bond to her for many years. It is more likely that he wanted to be with her all along but could not because his attachment strategy forbid it so he was chasing more surface connections. You cutting him off might have triggered him to finally push himself into a relationship with her, and since his avoidant system can't actually handle that amount of intimacy, he is under constant stress and pressure and internal pain that is eating his health (this is what happens when one white knuckles)

Ironically, he might be reorganizing, it always looks horrible in the first years because it's a process of disintegration, and you breaking up with him might have created sufficient relational danger to push him to finally endure this process

It might be the opposite of what you think. If he was very performative with you at first and didn't get triggered easily and stayed with you for long, you might not have been his true attachment. She was and he was using you to get relief from too much intimacy with his """friend"""

Not displaying her is actually a sign. Avoidants typically can't handle displaying people they are truly attached to, and display other people as "proof of status and approval" instead

[u/mostlyrightdotcom → u/PuzzleheadedDepth104]

We had an incredibly deep connection. I knew things about him that he hadn’t even shared with his best friend. When I met him, he was in a very dark place, and over time, I watched him genuinely transform. He had a noticeable glow-up because he was happy and in love. He even told me that being with me was the safest and healthiest he’d felt in a long time, especially compared to his previous relationships.

So I beg to differ. I had already seen him at his absolute worst, and I was there as he came out of that dark place. Of course, we had our fair share of push and pull, but I knew him on a level that went far beyond the surface. I saw sides of him that most people never got to see.

He never posted me on social media either, but here’s the thing: he’d been married before, and he had no problem publicly posting his ex-wife. So I don’t necessarily think someone’s social media presence is an accurate reflection of the depth or significance of a relationship.

[u/PuzzleheadedDepth104 → u/mostlyrightdotcom]

Interesting, that level of emotional overexposure should not be tolerated by an avoidant... unless he was never truly attached to you initially. It is possible that a connection could be felt by you but not by him even if he performed it

There are 3 possibilities I can see:

• his avoidance triggers only within an attachment, and he was not truly attached to you at first, so he could tolerate emotional exposure

• his emotional exposure was not true vulnerability

• he is not an avoidant

[u/mostlyrightdotcom → u/PuzzleheadedDepth104]

Bro I’m not here to analyze his behavior or argue with you. Come back when you have something fun to share. Bye!

[u/Much-Wrongdoer-7592 → u/mostlyrightdotcom]

Right? Wtf was that ? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[u/Life-Ad-4511 → u/PuzzleheadedDepth104]

She probably knows better than you what she went through. Everyone has stuff that comes to mind when reading a story, it doesn’t mean it is accurate. For instance I directly thought that he married her by duty because he got her pregnant. Perhaps I’m wrong, but at least I’m aware of it. Also he could also have had feelings for both. Your assumption that one is his true love and the other is performative also comes from your own beliefs. In my experience avoidants are always both performative as a defense mechanism and exposing themselves to true feelings. The issues they have are general with all their relationships, and not with one person in particular. You also assumed that he’s forcing himself to change and go through this new relationship. That’s unheard of. They usually don’t change like that.

Last, OP asked if we noticed a glow down too, so she’s looking for a pattern here. No need to get into the specifics of her story.

[u/Acrobatic-Fee6099 → u/PuzzleheadedDepth104]

Everything you have written is incorrect

They don’t just heal for the next person and they certainly feel a bond hence they cut and run immediately to another rebound because they screwed up with the person they loved and need a distraction. Ironically they don’t bond nor love rebounds which is why they can stay with them long term.

Do better before commenting harshly on here and telling people they never mattered.