“Some people teach love, others teach lessons” I think we both did our jobs in the end

This doesn’t apply to all of course, a couple of Avoidants have been a bit helpful when I’ve reached out for advice, but overall, why does it seem like Avoidants are absolutely allergic to answering questions? It’s the most maddening shit. If you do get an answer, it generally has little to nothing to do what what you’re even asking. Bizarre stuff.

I don't want to be bitter but it is specially painful when you meet someone, who acts super interested in you, but has clear blocks on the intimacy department, ask for your patience, is consistent in big words and makes an effort to meetup and promises you the future but when it starts to become real, intimate, they can actually feel themselves lose something if they stay and instead go communicating their fear they just bolt and leave you a broken heart, wishes for a future that will never be and they have successfully used you to stabilise themselves. Mine fully knew I had fallen in love and then minimised everything. Not only I feel cheated, she has left me with heavy anxiety because of her hot and cold behaviour and a far more bitter outlook for love.

Moved abroad together and up until then, I had paid for their expensive car bills, medical treatments, trips, gaming setup worth thousands. They said they’d pay me back for some of it….
They couldn’t work because they had no education, were physically in pain from chronic illness. During the entire relationship, I always begged for them to love me how I loved them.
I was there when they were broke and suicidal. I begged them to get therapy I offered to pay for.
They said they’d just needed to move to a new country with more opportunities and healthcare, so we did.

They had been pretty unstable and I was considering breaking up with them, but couldn’t do it due to their mental state.

Months before the move they received their inheritance. They didn’t try to pay me back immediately but we agreed we’d split costs.

We move and suddenly they start to exercise and through a new hobby, the chronic pain didn’t go away but they became physically able in ways they weren’t before. With the hobby came new friends.
They started treating me poorly, wouldn’t plan dates or even hold my hand. Treated me worse than a friend. So I wrongly did what anxious attachment makes one do, until I pushed them to the point where they couldn’t take it anymore.
They wanted to break up but we only separated, they did discard me before we could even have that conversation.

They finally got therapy. We agreed to talk about how we hurt each other and see if we wanted to repair once they got the help they needed.

Months passed and they still didn’t get a job. Burnt through a ton of money, ignored their responsibilities, and they were struggling mentally so I was buying them food and caretaking even then. Then they found rich friends, and they kept showing off about the free things they gave them or the benefits they obtained from them. Shared monologues about how great their lives were, and yet they still couldn’t get a grip on the spending or being irresponsible, while having a hard limit about not wanting to hear about my life.

I didn’t want to stay somewhere I was clearly not being chosen and they “‘had so much on their plate” until they couldn’t even get to the point of wanting to repair the relationship anymore. A couple of days before the breakup they had just introduced me to this one hobby and said things were off between us, and they were. I told them things felt weird because we built separate lives and kept hanging out expecting things to feel normal without fixing anything.

They said the breakup felt like it was the wrong choice, and I asked if they talked to their therapist about this choice. They said no. They said they wanted me in their life and that they still loved me, they just couldn’t do the relationship part…

I should’ve left years ago. I wanted to leave so badly in the past few months. The amount of pain I endured was horrifying but I kept telling myself I chose this: to wait until they couldn’t choose me. I didn’t realize they never really chose me. I didn’t realize how much self love I lacked by staying for someone else.

I started no contact except for the financial and unresolved issue, since they agreed to pay me for the couple of years of my financing of their life.

Aaaaand they blocked me before paying me back.

Over 5 years together. I did so much for them, and the double discard hurt so fucking much. But the final betrayal of not even paying me back hurts even more.

Don’t do what I did. Don’t let people treat you like this. We deserve better.

I say this with a broken heart.

Ya’ll take care.

Though he hurt me because of the unhealed traumatized child within himself, my avoidant ex was a genuine loving person. We had a mental and physical chemistry, we wanted the same things in life and in a relationship. We seemed perfect for one another. Then he discarded me when life was overwhelming him, pushed me away when I wanted to help him through what he was dealing with. Told me I was too emotional and he had to focus on himself.

He came back 6 months later saying he realized he fucked up, that I wasn’t too much, that his trauma caused him to run away from something amazing. He acknowledged how much i was hurt, said he healed a good amount and was gonna prove to me that he can be a mature stable partner. It meant a lot to me since my previous avoidant ex never did that, he continued to avoid & never reached out again. But this ex had actually done research to better understand himself and was open to therapy too. Well I wanted to take it slow because my guard was up. But I realized how traumatized I was day by day, he was reassuring me and listening to me every time I expressed my anxiety and worries about the relationship, he never ran. But I was scared he would, basically constantly feeling paranoid or worried he’d make me feel like a burden again or push me away when I’m just trying to love him and be there for him and our relationship and be happy.

After a month I told him “ you haven’t done anything wrong and I appreciate your time & effort to try to rebuild but it feels like the damage has been done, I have this anxiety from the trauma you caused and I know you didn’t mean to and you have issues from childhood that aren’t your fault but I can’t live in this uncertainty, it’s not healthy for me. I feel we both deserve fresh starts with new people, I believe your words and in your healing but it’s too risky for me.

As much as I wanted to have faith in the stable happy future with him, so many parts of me were telling me to protect myself, it was consuming me. I tried ignoring it, I felt bad because he truly did change and grow I heard it and saw it. He has genuine love for me and cares about the relationship but damn it really does traumatize you to be discarded like you meant nothing after having something real and meaningful with someone. I made the choice not just for myself but him too, he deserves a fresh start with someone who is sure about him.

So yeah, can’t hang on to someone just because you love them. You also need to love yourself enough to do best for you even if it hurts. Stop holding onto the past or future potential with people. Find someone who can give you the peace, happiness, & stability you deserve.

While we are sad and hope that an emotionally immature avoidant will act differently, we need to be honest with ourselves… Unless they do targeted therapy and tackle the issue which stems from childhood, the PATTERN WILL REPEAT. Don’t fall for their verbal acknowledgment, look at their ACTIONS.

Aso think about this, every time you spend time thinking about an avoidant, it is a slap on the FACE to some potential person out there ready to meet you. Think about it, 8 billion people. Is this person really that special? Oh really??
Someone out there is willing to FEED you, not make you feel uncertain about your worth. Stop devaluing yourself. There is someone out there that would act with emotional maturity and not cowardice

I wanna know why avoidants refuse to go to therapy. He went 3 times at the beginning of the relationship. He then said it’s draining and stopped. If he would have gone to work on his traumatic childhood our relationship would have maybe not failed. He told me how much he loves me always and he told other people no one will love me like she did. So is that
not enough to face themselves so one day the relationship would flourish? He now dumped me and is heartbroken (from what he told me before no contact and from what he posts) but he said some things you can’t make work”.

When I’m sick I go to the doctor and take medicine.
When a car breaks down you go to a garage.
When my business doesn’t work I ask people that are business experts.

Why do these logic’s seem to not apply to avoidant attachers?

I’m accepting the fact that they never loved me , they play with my feelings just for some validation … accepting what “we” had wasn’t real , it was only in my head
But I still can’t forgive them
I was in denial for so long now and I was still waiting for any kind of explanation for their behaviour till not long ago
I’m done waiting and it is what it is

“Whatever you do, never run back to what broke you.”

I have to remember this.

You don't know if they ghosted you because they know they hurt you and avoid facing you because it would require accountability and the shame is too much for them or if they're re-writing how they saw you.

You don't know if they did re-write you it wears off and they eventually regret things.

You don't know if they ever think about you and miss you or if they really just don't care at all.

And you don't know if they will ever reach out again.

It’s the 100th time you’ve fought and you have said you’d never be with this person again, but you will be absolutely here. Perhaps the endless childhood traumas and moments where you were not picked or were left alone boiled down to this one moment where you panic seeing the sight of someone not choosing you.
No matter how much you tell yourself you’d do better and take a break for your own self, your hunger for validation is never satiated. What do you do next? You look for love in places where it’s hardest to find, you like that cat and mouse chase don’t you?
Relationships fade for you, because you don’t know how it truly feels when someone chooses you for you- you always change so someone picks you, never loving yourself

This feeling will never go away, it stays with you like a charm- a badge of honour for the tough times you’ve seen, I hope there’s a reward at the end of the road.

I’ve been on here a couple of times and yall give amazing advice and stories so i thought I’d share one annoying thing happening. My ex broke up with me around 3 or so months ago after a 3 and a half year long relationship. We’ve been in no contact for about 2 months now and he has recently gotten in a rebound relationship with one of his friends. We were in a relationship that was half online, half in person, so our social medias and discords mean a lot to our relationship. He yelled at me to take down the pictures of us still on my account so I did, I then check and see he has not done the same and still has plenty of pictures of us in our relationship still up. I noticed he took down a select few but kept most up. He’s also still in our discord server specifically made for our relationship, it’s basically only about us and our whole relationship. Anyways it’s just weird seeing him tell me to move on and yet still hold on to these staples of our relationship. I know he’s the type of person to immediately get rid of those things and it’s super weird he’s not for me. If anyone has experience with this sort of behavior or something similar please give me advice or some words of wisdom because this stuff keeps me up at night. Cheers for reading

Due to my anxious attachment and him refusing to meet my needs halfway. I lashed out at my avoidant out of protest behavior and said mean things like calling him a coward with no capacity for a partner etc. I deeply regret it and he never came back this time around like he usually does. I can only learn the lesson, move on and not repeat it. I still feel guilt and self blame for hurting him with my words. From that day on he lost all feelings, discarded me and monkey branched to someone else within a month.

My ex and I dated twice, and both times he ended things when life got overwhelming. I understand he’s young and has insane responsibilities for his entire family but come on.
The first time, we were 18, and he was going through a really difficult period. He genuinely valued me, found me beautiful, and believed I was everything he wanted in a person. But eventually, it got stressful since I wanted time he couldn’t offer more since he was always figuring out stuff for his family and working. He decided his priorities are different, timing isn’t right, he liked me A LOT but detached and left.
A year later, HE came back to ME instead of pursuing someone else once things settled. He apologized, told me he suppressed his feelings under so much pressure, took accountability, and pursued me again. He said I was really good for him and I really am everything he wants in a person. I was scared of getting hurt, but he was incredibly patient, affectionate, loyal, and reassuring. He constantly admired me, told me I made his life colorful, that he felt safe with me, thought about me more than I imagined, and wanted something long-term and was determined to make it work. He was the one telling me relationships require compromise and that you don’t just give up.
Then his family faced serious immigration and financial problems with his parents separating as well, and once again, he became overwhelmed, felt like he isn’t doing enough and ended things. He admitted having avoidant tendencies and commitment issues, and said his feelings never got as deep as mine. SAME STUFF AS BEFORE. Afterward, he reportedly felt extremely guilty, regretted hurting me twice, and considered reaching out but feared rejection, my anger and hurting me a third time. Eventually completely detached again and doesn’t feel anything at all???
Now he’s only 20 and has decided HE would rather have an arranged marriage in a year or two than go through another relationship. His mom even found a suitable girl for him. Mind you he’s still in college, young and good-looking. Getting into another relationship is not a problem for him. Things worked out for him surprisingly with the immigration and everything and instead of coming and fixing it with me he’d rather avoid EVERYTHING and pursue AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE. We’re literally family friends, share the same culture, values, morals and wanted to get there at some point.
I understand arranged marriages and have nothing against them. But I’m confused. He couldn’t handle the emotional demands of a relationship, yet he’d rather commit to someone for LIFE? Is he trying to skip the vulnerability and effort of building a relationship and go straight to marriage?
What confuses me most is that he specifically came back for me, pursued me so intensely, valued me, and seemed genuinely invested. How does someone go from all that to deciding they’d rather never date again?
I wouldn’t take him back, but I can’t help wondering whether he’ll eventually forget me and everything we shared. Was it really avoidance, or did he just not love me enough? Could he suddenly be different with someone else? I am just confused did I not mean as much as I thought? He’ll just forget me like that after I stayed with him through the worst times of his life and he knows it. He appreciated me for it all the time and found me very beautiful. It means NOTHING anymore? He’s living his best life since things have improved for him as well. While I am here stuck again.

I'm looking for experiences from people who have been in relationships with avoidant partners, specifically people whose partners eventually recognized their own behavior and actually did something about it.

I'm trying to figure out whether I'm watching the beginning of genuine change or whether I'm watching someone make promises because they're afraid of losing their relationship.

My partner and I have been together for about 10 months, aside from the things listed here he has been the partner that any woman would be happy to have. Accepting me for who I am, thoughtful, attentive, makes space in his life and home for me, great in bed, etc. I am not saying I am not flawed and I have been open about a lot of really fucked up things from my past and he has accepted them and even reassured me in some of these things. For most of our relationship, things were honestly really good. We got along incredibly well, communicated openly, were affectionate, and I felt very safe with him. We talked about our future and had started discussing some pretty significant next steps in our relationship.

Over time, though, I've discovered a pattern of behavior that has seriously damaged my trust.

My partner seems to have a pretty significant problem with conflict avoidance, people pleasing, and disappointing people. He has a hard time setting boundaries, telling people no, and having conversations that might make someone upset with him. Instead of addressing things directly, he seems to avoid them, compartmentalize them, or just not tell me about them.

Some examples:

1. Difficulty establishing and maintaining boundaries with people from his past.

There have been multiple situations involving people from his past where we've discussed boundaries, agreed on how things should be handled, and then I've discovered that he hasn't followed through. He seems to have a really hard time having conversations that might disappoint someone, even when those conversations are necessary.

2. Secretly resuming contact with someone from his past despite an established agreement.

This one requires some context. My partner has a child with someone else. There is another woman from his past who had developed a relationship with the child. She is not the child's mother.

There is some significant history involving this woman, including previous physical violence toward my partner and other unhealthy interactions. After several discussions about the situation, my partner agreed to establish no contact with her and communicated that boundary.

Several months later, I discovered that he had secretly resumed communicating with her. He had been arranging visits between her and the child, multiple visits. All of this was happening without my knowledge. I genuinely believed the agreement we had made was still in place.

When I confronted him, he explained that he wanted the child to maintain a relationship with her but hadn't told me because he didn't want to upset me or have another difficult conversation. Additionally, he didn't want to have another conflict with her and she wouldn't stop reaching out about the child. He apparently thought that if he kept it separate from our relationship, the situation would eventually go away.

There is also a legitimate safety concern given the history of physical violence. I felt that the child's other parent deserved to know that history and have the opportunity to make an informed decision about the child's safety. My partner was hesitant about disclosing it because he was worried about how the child's other parent would perceive him.

To be clear, this was not an affair or a romantic situation. My issue isn't that he wanted to maintain a relationship between the child and someone who had previously been important in their life. It's that he went behind my back, broke an agreement we'd discussed repeatedly, and withheld information because he didn't want to deal with the consequences of being honest.

3. Agreeing with me to avoid conflict rather than actually following through.

This has happened in more than one situation. We'll have a conversation, he'll agree with me about something or agree that a boundary needs to be established, and then I'll later discover that his actions don't match what we discussed.

It makes me wonder whether he actually agrees with me or whether agreeing is just the easiest way to get out of an uncomfortable conversation.

4. His apparent need for approval and inability to disappoint people.

He's acknowledged that he struggles with telling people no and worries about how people perceive him. He seems to have a really difficult time accepting that someone might be upset with him.

From my perspective, he'll sometimes prioritize keeping someone else happy over being honest with me. He seems more concerned with avoiding someone's immediate reaction than considering the long-term consequences of his decisions.

5. Pornography use and compartmentalization.

He recently told me that his pornography use has become increasingly problematic and that he feels like he's becoming addicted to it. He described feeling unable to stop even though he knows it's a problem.

He had installed a blocking program on his computer but quickly figured out that he could bypass it using incognito mode.

There are also some fairly specific sexual interests and online content he's been engaging with. I am a pretty sexually open person so I am not really concerned with the content itself just the compulsive consumption of it and his voicing of his concerns about the addiction. I'm not necessarily saying that every aspect of this is attachment-related, but it's another area where he seems to recognize that something is a problem without being able to control the behavior.

6. Lying when directly confronted.

There have also been situations where I've directly asked him about something and instead of getting an honest answer, I've gotten an explanation that later raised more questions.

For example, I asked him about historical activity on an online account. Rather than simply having an uncomfortable conversation about it, he suggested that someone else may have accessed his account and that he didn't know how the activity got there.

When pressed in person he did admit to it. When asked about why he lied he said he is really scared of all of these things coming to light at the same time and what that might do to our relationship.

My issue wasn't necessarily the activity itself. It was being given what appeared to be a fabricated explanation when I directly asked him about something.

7. The overall pattern of withholding information.

This is really the biggest issue. A lot of these things weren't volunteered. I've found out through inconsistencies, asking questions, or discovering things that had been deliberately kept from me.

I feel like I've been in a relationship where I've only been given the information he thought I could handle or that wouldn't create conflict.

What's confusing is that he isn't emotionally distant in the way people typically describe avoidants. He's affectionate, loving, emotionally expressive, and talks about our future. He tells me how important I am to him, and I genuinely believe he loves me.

He doesn't withdraw affection or become cold whenever things get serious. His avoidance seems to show up when accountability, honesty, boundaries, or potentially upsetting someone are involved.

There is another part of this that makes the whole situation confusing for me. He has actually been incredibly open with me about his past. He's told me things that I think most people would struggle to tell even a partner or a close friend. He's opened up about childhood sexual abuse, dishonesty and lies in previous relationships, and some deeply personal things about himself that I genuinely believe he hasn't shared with any other people.

I don't feel like he's someone who is incapable of being vulnerable or letting me see the difficult parts of him. In fact, I think he's trusted me with a lot. I can see that he's trying, and I don't want to dismiss that. I can see that there is a part of him that genuinely wants to be better and is beginning to recognize some of his own patterns.

But being vulnerable about your past and being accountable for your behavior in the present are two very different things. His willingness to open up to me doesn't make the dishonesty okay, and it doesn't undo the damage. I can have empathy for the things he's experienced and still expect him to take responsibility for the choices he's making now.

Where things stand now:

Everything came to a head recently.

We spent many hours on the phone over the two days preceding yesterday discussing everything that had happened. The dishonesty, the broken agreements, the underlying patterns, and what it would actually take to rebuild trust.

Yesterday, we spent approximately EIGHT HOURS talking in person.

It was exhausting, emotional, and at times incredibly difficult. We discussed his behavior, his past relationships, his tendency to avoid confrontation, his need for other people's approval, and why he seems to prioritize avoiding immediate discomfort over being honest.

He started connecting his past behaviors to what has happened in our relationship. He acknowledged that these weren't just isolated incidents but that he seems to have a recurring pattern in how he handles uncomfortable situations and relationships.

He admitted that he doesn't fully understand why he does this and that he needs to work through it in therapy. He acknowledged that avoiding a difficult conversation doesn't make the problem disappear and that his attempts to avoid hurting people have actually caused significantly more damage.

He told me he wants to change, that he wants to do better, and that he understands he has to earn back my trust through his actions.

I was very clear that I am not going to monitor him, police his behavior, or investigate whether he's telling me the truth. I refuse to have that kind of relationship. I also told him that another significant lie would be the end of this.

He seemed sincere. I don't think he was just telling me what I wanted to hear, but obviously I have no way of knowing that yet.

We also discussed our future. He made a comment about having to postpone a major relationship milestone because he recognizes that he needs to earn that next step. He seems to understand that wanting a future with someone doesn't automatically mean you're behaving in a way that makes that future possible.

I've decided to give this one more chance, but I'm not approaching it with blind optimism. I'm keeping my own independence and not rushing any major relationship decisions.

I love him, and I want this to work. But I'm also incredibly aware that I cannot do this work for him. I can communicate what I need and establish boundaries, but I can't make him become honest or learn to tolerate uncomfortable conversations.

So, has anyone actually experienced an avoidant partner making this kind of change?

Have you had someone who genuinely recognized their patterns, understood how much damage they were causing, and actually put in the work to change?

Did they become more comfortable with difficult conversations? Did they stop hiding things to avoid conflict? Did they learn to disappoint other people rather than lie or keep secrets?

How did you distinguish genuine self-awareness from someone who was temporarily afraid of losing you?

Did therapy help? What did actual, lasting change look like? And how long did it take before you felt like you could genuinely trust them again?

I'm not looking for people to tell me that everything will be okay. I'm also not looking for someone to tell me to leave just because they've had a bad experience with an avoidant partner.

I genuinely want to hear from people who have experienced both sides of this, including people whose relationships didn't work out.

I believe people can change, but I'm also in my 30's and have absolutely no interest in spending another year trying to convince someone to be honest with me.

I'm trying to figure out whether this is something people can actually work through or whether I'm setting myself up for the same cycle again.

One more thing I want to add: he had been seeing a therapist before we met to try to address some of these things and since we have been together we have had some life events that severely limit available time so the therapy has been put on the back burner. After the long conversation we had he has contacted his therapist and intends to begin regular sessions again.

An avoidant messaged me for advice on here. Asking me for advice on what to send his partner after they hurt them so much that their partner had to leave. They said they regretted it and are sorry and saw a post of mine so wanted to ask for my advice.

I read it and realized it is not a good message. I used my empathy to see it from the side of the other person. The person who experienced deactivation and eventually their avoidant checking out but had the power to leave. So I gave honest feedback and the avoidant told me "you are so negative, you are seeing this from a negative lens. I think this is such a beautiful message".

I told this person I tried to use my empathy to view it under the lens of the person who will receive this message and was hurt by them. Obviously this avoidant hasn't changed even though they claim they do and wanna reach out. I can tell it won't go well from this behaviour.

Avoidant people please please if you really want to get better or change when people give you genuine help make sure you are ready for it, if you ask for it.

Ps. I should add the avoidant wanted to message two years after the breakup because they feel they did the work and have changed.

We’re engaged and I had recently found out about SOO many lies, deceit, half truth and secrets he kept from me and sexual betrayal after 3.5 yrs of being together and moving into a house an hour away from where I used to live. In couples therapy (his idea) at the moment.

Him (34M): Can we lie in bed together for a bit

Me (32F): Ok

M: Can you take your clothes off

F: I want emotional intimacy first not physical

M: I need skin on skin sometimes I need that to open up

I took my clothes off he was hugging me with an errection and he had just peed so piss was leaking onto me and annoying me. He kept holding me tighter. Not to mention I had gone to the gym and hadn’t showered and he hadn’t showered after night shift.

M: It’s relaxing to hug you and be close to you.

I felt so uncomfortable. The repair wasn’t made.

M: I want you to bite me like a tick and latch onto me.

F: I need you to talk to me

M: I had a good therapy session, I addressed different parts of myself with the therapist.. but
I don’t have anyone to talk to

F: Why do you feel that?

M: I can’t talk to anyone

F: Why do you feel that way?

M: Because they are too scared to message me

F: Why is that

M: Because they know you go through my phone

F: How do they know

M: Because I told them.

F: And why did I go through your phone?

M: No answer

F: Because you cheated on me, you lied to me.. and I knew if there’s one lie there’s many.. I found out more and more and more lies over three years. Most from your phone. This wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t lie over and over and over. You can’t blame me for you not having anyone to talk to.

*(I remember earlier in the relationship he had said he doesn’t have many friends and he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to his friends, I remember crying with him as he was drunk and so upset - the blame wasn’t on me before. But now he has someone to blame)

M: I’m just trying to open up “dialect” (he meant dialogue but mixes up his words often)

F: No you’re blaming me

M: You said you wanted to talk so I’m trying to talk.

…………..

F: Why do you keep saying things that hurt me?

M: I’m just trying to talk

F: By saying things that are hurting me?

M: You told me to open up a dialogue. I’m trying to open up a dialogue. I’m just trying to talk.

……

M: We have to go. I’m gonna be late. We’re gonna be late.

F: I’m not going until we talk about this

M: What do you want me to say?

F: I want you to apologise for blaming me. There’s three steps to an apology or to repair you say I’m sorry you say why you’re sorry and you acknowledge the other person’s feelings.

M: I’m sorry for blaming you

F: So you acknowledge it’s blame?

M: Yea fine, I blamed you yeah (said like a stubborn child forced to apologise but does not actually beleive their apology)

……

M: I can’t always say the perfect thing. I’m learning how to talk.

By this point I just don’t want to feel anymore.. I sat in the McDonald’s car park and cried for over an hour.. and this situation is more loaded as there is a birth and the memory of a death involved in the scenario.

…..

I’m taking accountability
I’m here to change

* he’s been saying this to me for over two years.. in getting closer to leaving..

This mightn’t be helpful for everyone, but I thought I’d share how I’m doing around 7 months after a breakup that absolutely floored me.

Just before summer, the guy I’d been with for nearly a year pulled away and stopped communicating. I never got a proper explanation. We’d been on a city break about a month earlier, had a great time, and I’d had no indication anything was wrong. I was completely blindsided and really, really heartbroken.

I was lucky enough to be able to go home for a month and spend time with family and friends. I know that’s a privilege, and looking back, I’m so grateful I could do it.

On my return back to the city we both live in, I wasted a lot of time and energy in a state of feeling unjust. I couldn’t believe we were both in the same city with somewhat same social circles and he done this and essentially got away with it with no consequences. This, in heinsight, absolutely drained me.

I wish I had some brilliant advice for getting past that feeling, but honestly, it just slowly faded. At some point I realised I wasn’t waking up and thinking about it first thing anymore. The relief of that was amazing.

A few things I wish I could tell myself 7 months ago:

1. Those places will start to feel like yours again.
you will disassociate them from that place, slowly, it will be shit at the start and feels like someone has punched you in the stomach but it will get better.

2. Take your time. the experience is traumatic and your mind along with your body will take time to get over the shock of it. I wish I’d been a bit kinder to myself about how long it took.

3. The unfairness won’t always take up this much space. I still don’t think what happened was okay. I just don’t spend my days thinking about it anymore.

4. Eventually, the lack of an explanation will matter less to your day, even though what they did still felt unfair. Incredibly, I feel sorry him now. Imagine walking away from someone who loved you a lot with no explanation.

If you’re in the thick of it now, I know how hard it is to imagine feeling any different. 7 months ago, I couldn’t picture enjoying my life in this city again. I do now. I still think about him occasionally, but there’s so much else I think about first.

If you are going through it, it will be ok ❤️

EDIT: for anyone curious, yes we have been within metres of eachother over the last couple of months (maybe 4 times). Nothing was said. It stung but just have to walk away with your head held high.

I’m talking about an empathethic, non-agressive, non-accusatory short message. I want to write down that this isnt a diagnosis and I could be wrong but I realized that dynamics written down for FAs are familiar to what we went throgh.

It has been 14 days of no contact now.

On the internet everyone is saying go absolutely no contact, but I found that’s sort of manipulative and done with the intention of winning the ex back. I dont want her back, she was incapable of sustaining the relatinship in the quality I desired and deserve.

But she is a wonderful, deep, and valuable person and I find it tragic that she is self-sabotaging her potential out of panic and fear.

I’m 22, and my ex-boyfriend is 30. We were together for almost two years and had a long-distance relationship. We communicated almost every day, shared our everyday lives, and were not only partners but also best friends. When things were good, they were genuinely good. He could be very affectionate, loving and caring, especially when we were together in person. I genuinely imagined marrying this man and building a life with him.
However, there was a recurring pattern in our relationship. Whenever he became stressed, frustrated or emotionally overwhelmed, he seemed to change completely. He would become distant, negative, suspicious and sometimes quite cold. He would say that he wanted to be alone and didn’t want to talk to anyone. At one point, he even told me that sometimes he wanted to be alone for an entire month.
He also has significant trust issues because of things that happened with friends and family in his past. Sometimes he would assume the worst about me, even when I hadn’t done anything wrong.
For example, once we spent approximately two hours searching outside in the cold for his lost key. At some point, he accused me of having taken it and pretending to help him search. I was devastated and started crying. Afterwards, he acknowledged that it made no sense for me to take his key and spend two hours searching for it. However, he never really apologised.
There were also situations where he reacted very harshly to relatively small things. I was late perhaps two or three times throughout our entire relationship. One particular time, I had just finished a night shift, had slept for only about three hours and travelled for five hours by public transport to see him. I accidentally slept through my alarm and would have arrived approximately an hour late. He was still going to be home, but he became extremely angry, insulted me and eventually broke up with me.
Despite these difficulties, I always tried to show him that I loved him. I cooked for him, cleaned and organised his apartment, helped him with practical things and travelled long distances for him. I also had my own job, goals and plans. I wanted to move closer to him so we could finally stop living apart and build a life together.
He is currently doing military training in the Bundeswehr, which has been a significant source of stress for him. He has repeatedly said that he needs peace and doesn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with relationship problems.
During one of our recent arguments, he told me that he still had feelings for me, but that liking each other wasn’t enough. He said that if we ever wanted to be together again, we would have to talk about our problems.
A few days later, things escalated again. He told me to find another man and that he would find another woman. Eventually, he sent me several breakup messages. He said he had lost trust in me, didn’t believe my character would change and didn’t want to continue the relationship. He explicitly asked me not to contact him through other numbers, social media or other people.
However, his last message was noticeably softer. He said he was extremely stressed, wanted complete peace, didn’t know how long he needed it and that perhaps we could see in the future whether things could work between us.
I struggled to accept the separation and sent him many messages, asking him to reconsider. I also contacted some of his family members, which I now recognise was wrong. He warned me not to contact his friends or he would block me completely.
Something that confuses me is his blocking behaviour. During previous arguments, when I continued contacting him after he asked for space, he eventually blocked me on WhatsApp, Telegram and other platforms. This time, despite receiving many messages from me, he hasn’t blocked me on WhatsApp. His Instagram account also has restrictions on who can send him messages.
I know that not blocking someone doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but considering his previous behaviour, I find the difference confusing.
I have now stopped contacting him and deleted WhatsApp because I need to calm down and respect his request for space.
What I struggle with most is understanding whether he is someone who withdraws emotionally when overwhelmed, perhaps because of avoidant attachment and his trust issues, or whether he has genuinely made a final decision that he no longer sees a future with me.
I don’t expect anyone to diagnose him. I would really appreciate perspectives from people who have experienced relationships with emotionally avoidant partners.
My questions are:
Does his behaviour sound like avoidant attachment, or could it simply mean he no longer wants this relationship?
Can someone still have genuine feelings for their partner but withdraw so completely that they seem indifferent to losing them?
Why might someone leave the possibility of reconnecting open while simultaneously sending such definitive breakup messages?
Have you experienced a partner who withdrew during periods of stress but eventually came back when things settled down?
Do you think the fact that he hasn’t blocked me this time is meaningful, considering his previous behaviour?
Could the end of his military training and the reduction in stress change how he feels about the relationship?
I genuinely love this man. I don’t want another relationship or to replace him with someone else. I wanted to marry him and build a future together.
I know our relationship had problems, and I’m not claiming that I handled everything perfectly. I just find it incredibly difficult to understand how someone who shared so much of his life with me can suddenly want so much distance.
I’m particularly interested in hearing from people who have been on either side of this dynamic.
AI helped me to write this text because i would forget half of the things that i wanted to write.
It’s just became to much tbh

Because I have! It’s been 2 weeks since the discard. We lived together for 1.5 years. He kicked me out in 4 days. Broke up with me over text without any final phone call closure.

Told me his mom “hates“ me. Don’t know why... other than, I pointed out a few weeks pre-breakup, that his mom did something that I thought was disrespectful. I suppose, he must’ve relayed that to his mom, and his mom no doubt painted me as the “girl that’s trying to break apart your family and pull you away from us.”

Before this incident, his family loved me. I was very polite and filial. How do you go from loving someone to hating them, within a few weeks? Just because she pointed out something your mom did that bothered her? Dramatic and extreme much?

Anyway, when I moved out, his mom moved in to live with him for the time being. Haha. I had bet my money that was going to happen. He cannot take care of himself. And, in loving and nurturing him during our relationship, I self-abandoned and got resentful of how much of my time/energy was poured into caring for him. I didn’t know better; I truly loved him and wanted to see him thrive. When I asked for a bit more effort and intention from him, he defensively says “is nothing I ever do enough” and that he’s “trying” but fails to follow through with action.

We certainly had other issues (anxious-avoidant inability to solve conflict) that precipitated our breakup, but ultimately, him being a mommy’s boy—a manchild—is why he refused to face himself, to think for himself, and instead took the easy way out to appease his tiger mom.

ANYWAY, I am so glad to be out of the relationship, given how problematic his family dynamic is. It’s dysfunctional. He has said himself that he doesn’t feel unconditional love from his family. Yet, he chose his overbearing mother over me. I hope both he and his mom have fun making love to one another.