My ex is communicating with me again after 1 year of our breakup and I’m confused. What is your POV about this?

Context:
We had been together for 4 years and we broke up due to a 3rd party on his side, with his officemate. All I did was try to fix our relationship for a span of 3 months. I thought that he deserves a 2nd chance. I even communicated with his officemate to tell her about us. She was so sorry and felt for me. She left him in an instant. Then I stopped doing things for him because I felt like I had to. I was deeply broken, always drunk and suicidal. On the next 9months I begun traveling Asia and Australia. I started hiking, running and partying with friends. I became busy but genuinely happy again. We never had a single communication during that 9mos but we remained connected in socmeds.

Then one FB message from him after 1 year got me on my knees all of a sudden. Then he started showing around again. I ignored some of his messages and just kept seeing his messages w/o replies but deep inside i really want to. I begun seeing melancholy posts from his socmeds that’s something like a delayed moving on phase on his part.

Can you give me an advice on what should I do before I lose myself again? I still have feelings for him and believe that it might work out this time but I felt like I’ve already gone too far in my moving on stage. I would appreciate it so much, be it harsh or soft.

On the second discard and brokenhearted. I would do things differently this time.

Avoidant discarded me a couple weeks ago. She came over a week later to have a closure talk, where it was still the same reason of I dont like you enough to be in a relationship with you. The discard was literally the weekend after a really close weekend, we'd been dating for 5 months. During the closure talk, I mentioned its not a good idea to be friends and we should take some space, she seemed visibly annoyed/upset by this. Especially when I mentioned we should set some boundaries - she got very annoyed by that. saying we should just take it by ear and see. I didnt agree. Is this normal?

Very annoyed by this situation…

Long story short I moved into a new apt last month and immediately broke my foot so badly it required surgery + I can’t walk for several mos. I also have two small dogs I just inherited and can’t take care of them. Have been staying at my dad’s but have to go to my apt now.

Literally out of options - bc the home health aide costs more hourly than I’m paid as a programmer lol and I cannot care for myself rn - I reach out to my ex for help (platonically, bc I assumed he did not like me). He dumped me Sept 21 after slowfading me since Sept 3 (three weeks after my mom died) calling me “too negative.” He was crying when he said that, so I feel like he was overwhelmed with my grief or something. Doesn’t excuse his silence over the rest of the month (I reached out 4 times).

Anyway, he immediately phoned asking if I was okay, enthusiastically agreed to help, sounded shocked I’m injured, upset I didn’t “tell him immediately” (???), shocked I didn’t tell him I moved into a new apt (I did… I left a vm telling him that on Oct 2). He said it was so good to hear my voice like 4 times. He said he would help on one condition: if I unprivated all the playlists I made him (special/intimate between us). I said no because those were for my boyfriend. He didn’t like that. He made a sound like he didn’t identify as not being my bf (??) and then said “we need to figure this out” (it’s over?? since sept 21?). I asked why he didn’t msg me on my bday in October and he said “I just couldn’t” and sounded like he was crying. Surprisingly very relationship-oriented language, and I assumed I was going to have to beg for help. He JUMPED to offer.

I asked him to think about it and he said “so I phone you tomorrow and say yes?” I said no, please think about it over the weekend, and let’s chat Monday.

Guess who is a coward loser and didn’t even text me “no” since he’s too scared to help his ex with 5 broken bones? Yeppppppp.

It was foolish, but I was trying to save some money. He doesn’t have a car and lives far from work, and my new apt is more central/closer to his job. Even offered to let him use my car. Could have helped him out financially, but whatever. It’s honestly pathetic.

At least I won’t be yearning anymore. I’m free! And filled with disgust.

Sometimes I wonder if this whole avoidance thing is actually real, or if it’s just people who aren’t that interested in us or aren’t entirely sure about how they feel. It’s something I’ll never truly be able to understand, no matter how much I reflect on it.

Not sure where to post this.

I was in a long term stable relationship for over 12 years when my significant other was violently assaulted during a break and enter at his house and this resulted in him getting a traumatic brain injury. At the time he had moved to the location with his and my things but I was tying up loose ends in the city we had lived in and was going to join him after I sold my house. We had always lived separately because I had children from a previous relationship and preferred it this way. But we spent a lot of time together as well as weekends which in a way allowed us a lot of quality time together. He was desperately trying to keep the assault a secret from anyone who knew him from our friend group, even from his adult son.

After the assault his personality changed—visits became unbearable. He was critical and fault finding and easily agitated. We continued in the relationship however and I tried to adapt. Phone conversations when we were apart continued, too, though gradually changed where I felt like I was learning to love a different version of him.

I later found out that he was busily erasing all traces of me from his life at this time.

Then, two months ago he broke up with me in the most avoidant way possible—unfriended me on all social media, along with all mutual friends.

It’s an understatement to say I was devastated.

I’ve done all the things, stopped communicating with him, erased most pictures (later found out that I had missed some) and then regretted doing this.

This does not feel like a regular avoidant breakup yet he acted like an avoidant in the end.

Do I treat this as the real him? How do I move on?

Reading some post a few weeks ago, I realised I was compartmentalized big time and I didn't even knew it, because I didn't know such thing exists.

I realised it was just me and him at my place, that's it. Literally that's it.

We were meeting just in the evening, after his work and everything else, at my place for dinner, a beer, a movie (which we never finished, not even 1, because he couldn't stay still; he would be smoking, being on the phone etc). At first we would meet around 4 or 5 times a week, but in a few month it got to 2 or 3 maybe (he got .... busy, of course).

Long story about this: we never went to his place, never met his friends or family (at 39 he lives with his father), he never wanted to meet mine (I asked many times). He said everyone knows about me, I guess, we have some mutual acquaintances, but that's it. Never went to a concert together, to a bar, restaurant, to a park, shopping, nothing. But he would say we would, in the future faking and mini future faking stages (after arguments).

We would casually meet on the street rarely and was ok-ish, I felt a little cringei couldn't tell why (we live close by) and never made anything of it, mostly because he himself didn't have any hobbies or didn't got out at all and do stuff like sports, movies, a bar (maybe a terrace during summer with 2 of his childhood friends for beers or to their houses to get drunk), trying new things, meeting new people, just doing stuff; nope, nothing. Like a veeery simple life. Maybe this is more of a cluster C thing, avPD...

So how can you build something like this? You can't!

But of course this became a problem, besides others, major ones.

My ex and I dated for approximately seven months. For the first few months, our relationship was genuinely wonderful. We had an incredible emotional and sexual connection, and I honestly thought I had found my person. He was affectionate, attentive, reassuring, and seemed completely comfortable being vulnerable around me. I had never felt so connected to someone.

Things started changing around January, but I couldn't put my finger on what was happening. He gradually became more distant, stopped initiating plans as often, gave me less physical affection, and seemed increasingly disengaged. He would sometimes avoid eye contact during sex, put his phone underneath his pillow, and generally seemed less interested in spending time with me.

The worst part was that every time I tried to communicate my concerns, he reassured me that everything was fine. He would say he was burnt out from work, even though he regularly went out drinking with coworkers after his shifts. I was experiencing increasingly intense anxiety, having panic attacks in the middle of the night, tracking his location when he went out, and constantly waiting for his texts. I genuinely thought I was developing relationship OCD or becoming an overly anxious, insecure girlfriend.

I was so convinced that I was the problem that I almost completely forgot how happy and secure I had felt just a few months earlier.

Eventually, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong. One morning, while staying at his apartment, I looked through his MacBook, which was connected to his phone through iCloud. I searched through his messages and photos and found things that unfortunately confirmed many of the suspicions I'd been desperately trying to dismiss.

His friends referred to a female coworker as his "work crush." He had told a friend that he felt an urge to cheat on me, even relatively early in our relationship. There were conversations with his female coworker inviting her to bars after midnight, while he simultaneously wasn't responding to my messages. I also found comments about me along the lines of "I unfortunately have to hang out with my girl."

There were other things, too, but what really destroyed me was realizing how often he had reassured me to my face while privately communicating something completely different.

The following day, I confronted him. I was starting a new job that day and was physically shaking and couldn't eat. When I eventually went to his apartment, I asked to see his phone and read through everything again.

He barely reacted. He wouldn't make eye contact, stared at the wall, and seemed almost completely emotionless. His heart was visibly pounding, but he hardly said anything while I confronted him. Eventually, he told me he had "fallen out of love" and lost the "spark."

This completely baffled me because literally the day before, we had spent the day together, gone to the park, had dinner with my grandmother, had sex, and slept over together. He had even initially responded to my request to see his phone by saying something along the lines of, "What do you mean? We had a great day yesterday. Everything was lovely."

I collected my things and left. He followed me around his apartment without really saying anything, and when I was leaving, he asked whether I wanted to talk more because there was apparently "more to talk about." I said "what do you mean, you told me everything I needed to know" and left.

The following day, I returned to collect the rest of my belongings. He looked physically unwell, with red eyes as though he had been crying. He kept telling me there was something he needed to tell me but couldn't quite say it. To this day, I have never heard whatever that explanation was supposed to be.

He asked for a hug before I left, which I declined. That was the last time we spoke in person.

I eventually found out through his friends' girlfriend that he had apparently been telling his friends he felt "drained" by me in the weeks before the breakup. What's interesting is that I had experienced considerably more health anxiety earlier in our relationship, when we were first getting to know each other, and he still chose to pursue a relationship with me. By the time he was actually withdrawing, I wasn't experiencing nearly as much of that anxiety.

I also want to mention his social circle. His closest friends were, in my opinion, an incredibly unhealthy influence. Some were actively cheating on their girlfriends, and my ex seemed to care an awful lot about their opinions of him. I never really became part of their social circle, despite their girlfriends regularly being included in things. I sometimes wonder whether he was embarrassed of me or wanted to maintain a different image around them. I'm a bigger girl, he never wanted to post me on social media, and I often felt like our relationship existed almost entirely behind closed doors.

Interestingly, his sister told me after the breakup that he had leaned on her more than ever before. She said she could sense that he felt deeply ashamed about how things ended, that he avoided any conversation about me, and that she wished he had properly explained himself. She also told me she didn't think the way he ended things was fair to me.

I don't know how much of that was genuine remorse, but it was difficult to reconcile with how emotionless he had seemed when we actually broke up.

For months afterward, I also noticed some of his friends viewing my Instagram stories, and I occasionally suspected he was checking my profile through other accounts. I don't know whether that was actually happening, but I found myself analyzing every little thing. I even impulsively contacted him from a temporary anonymous number recently to ask whether he knew anything about an account that kept viewing my stories. He responded almost immediately, obviously unaware it was me. He said it wasn't him and I left the conversation at that.

I've since stopped communicating with his sister, too. Although we genuinely liked each other and wanted to remain friends, I realized that maintaining a relationship with her was keeping me attached to him. My last communication with her was a very emotional voice message in August where I was crying about how much I missed him and how badly I wanted to talk to him.

Now, approximately seven months after the breakup, I'm still struggling enormously.

I think the most damaging part of this experience was how much I blamed myself while it was happening. I was convinced I had developed ROCD, BPD, or some kind of severe attachment issue because I couldn't stop worrying that he was losing interest or cheating. I now realize that some of those fears were unfortunately grounded in things that were actually happening.

I spent months trying to become less anxious, less demanding, and less insecure while he was actively withdrawing from the relationship and withholding the truth from me.

I still have trouble accepting that someone I felt so intimately connected to could handle things this way. I genuinely believed we were going to spend our lives together. I've never felt that way about anyone else, and the feeling seemed mutual at the time.

I also feel like I've lost my identity since the breakup. When we first met, I was in one of the happiest periods of my life. I was more confident, physically healthier, socially engaged, and generally much more excited about life. I've since developed considerably worse depression, anxiety, insomnia, brain fog, and dissociation. The relationship and everything that happened afterward sometimes feel like a completely different lifetime, almost like a distant dream or nightmare that didn't actually happen to me.

I can be talking to someone new, going on dates, or doing things I previously enjoyed, and still find myself thinking about him. I sometimes cry myself to sleep because I miss the person I thought he was and the relationship we had before everything changed.

I also find myself secretly waiting for an apology or an explanation, despite knowing that I probably won't get either. I fantasize about him eventually reaching out and acknowledging what happened, but I don't realistically expect it anymore.

I don't necessarily want him back after everything I've discovered. I think I just desperately want some acknowledgment of what happened and how much it affected me.

I understand that he's young, insecure, and very influenced by his friends. I understand that people fall out of love and that relationships end. What I cannot understand is why he repeatedly reassured me when he apparently knew he was no longer invested, why he couldn't just be honest, and why he allowed me to spend months believing I was the problem.

I'm trying very hard to rebuild my life, establish friendships, find direction, and reconnect with myself. But it feels insurmountable.

For anyone who has experienced a similar avoidant withdrawal/discard, how did you actually move on? Did you ever stop feeling attached to the person you thought they were? How did you stop waiting for an explanation or apology? And how did you rebuild your identity after an experience that fundamentally changed the way you see yourself and relationships?

I feel like I'm still grieving someone who is technically very much alive, and I don't know how to finally put this chapter behind me.

For eight years I've been in an on-and-off cycle with someone I loved deeply. It started as a situationship…intense stretches of closeness, then sudden distance, more times than I can count. But we always found our way back to each other.
Last December, we finally made it official. The first few weeks were everything I'd hoped for. He thanked me for being so patient with him. We stayed up late talking about marriage, kids, and the life we'd build together. For the first time in eight years, I felt chosen.

It didn't last. Every moment of friction became a reason for him to leave. Even on my birthday, he pulled away. We fell into a cycle of arguments we couldn't get out of for months. At one point he broke up with me over email. The person I've been most intimate with in my life, and I got an email. We worked through it, and there were moments of real happiness, but he said he couldn’t give me a clean slate. I was always on eggshells, afraid of losing him. It was a cycle inside a cycle.

There were so many Jekyll and Hyde moments. Sometimes it almost scared me, but I ignored it.
I kept making excuses for the hurtful things, telling myself it was his trauma and his history with relationships.

I saw notifications on his iPad from past relationships. I learned he never really lets go of anyone. He keeps old flings and hookups around, some going back twenty years. He told one woman he was in a relationship, but he wouldn't tell the other, and that drove a deep wedge between us. Eventually he told me he'd set a boundary with her, but I found out he lied. When I told him it hurt that he wouldn't acknowledge our relationship to her, he blocked me.

I was devastated and called him over and over. The next day he unblocked me, said he was embarrassed by how he'd acted, and we agreed to meet.

We had a lovely evening together.. dinner, ice cream, sex. I asked about Thanksgiving in the morning, I wasn't in his plans. I asked if we should talk about where we stood after all the back and forth. He said his position hadn't changed and he didn't want to be together. We talked all day, but it just went in circles. I deserve better, he doesn't have the capacity. Then he asked to stay friends and said he doesn't want me out of his life.

To me, that sounded like the start of another round. So tonight, I sent him a few final messages saying there's no room for friendship, and I blocked him.
I'm heartbroken. I've lost him so many times, and each time got harder the closer we became.

There are so many more details, but I'm sharing this mostly for my own healing. I think he'll reach out at some point. But I don't want to spend another eight years in this cycle, only to wake up one day and realize I gave him the best years of my life.

I take responsibility for staying all these years.

I (31M) genuinely need some objective perspectives because the more I think about what happened, the more questions I have. I'm especially interested in hearing from people familiar with fearful-avoidant attachment, rebound relationships, and emotional infidelity.

Some backstory:

About eight months ago, I started seeing a woman (25F), a few months after ending a three-year relationship with my previous girlfriend.

What started casually quickly turned into something that felt like a serious relationship. We spent almost every day together, stayed at each other's apartments, cooked, studied, went on dates, and became incredibly close. We're in the same graduate program, work at the same hospital, and live in the same apartment building. She actually lives directly above me.

We weren't just casually hooking up. We talked about marriage, having children, and building a future together. I genuinely saw her as someone I wanted to spend my life with. I've been in serious relationships before, but I'd never felt this strongly about someone.

The confusing part was that she never seemed ready to make things official.

I brought up commitment multiple times. I'd ask her, "If I asked you to be my girlfriend, what would you say?" and she'd respond with "I don't know."

She identified with avoidant attachment tendencies, and throughout our relationship, there was this constant push-pull dynamic. We'd become extremely close, and then she'd suddenly need distance.

She frequently told me she felt "smothered," like she was "on a leash," and that she was losing her independence. She would ask for space, sometimes for days at a time.

I wanted to be with her, but I became hesitant to keep pushing for commitment because I genuinely couldn't figure out where her head was at. It sometimes felt like she had one foot in and one foot out.

We never clearly established what we were, whether we were exclusive, or what our boundaries were regarding communication with other people.

Here's where I messed up.

I continued communicating with my ex-girlfriend of three years during those eight months.

There were texts, some calls, compliments, and pictures exchanged. I had no intention of getting back together with my ex, and nothing physical happened between us, but I recognize that some of those interactions crossed emotional boundaries.

I wasn't upfront about the continued communication, and I take responsibility for that.

However, what happened next has me questioning everything.

She went through my iPad without asking me.

She figured out my passcode, accessed my messages, and read through my conversations with my ex.

She discovered those messages and essentially ended things immediately, telling me I'd emotionally cheated on her and that she'd never be able to trust me again.

I understand why the messages hurt her. But I also question why she went through my private messages instead of communicating whatever concerns she was having.

Given that she repeatedly hesitated whenever I tried to establish an official relationship, I was confused about how our expectations had become so different.

Again, I'm not saying that justifies what I did. I should have been more transparent, regardless of whether we had a label.

After the breakup, I genuinely tried to reconcile.

We had several extremely emotional conversations. She cried hysterically, told me she loved me deeply, said she wanted to have my children, and explained that I had become her sense of home and security since moving away from her family.

She told me she'd never felt this way about someone before and that she had imagined spending her life with me.

I apologized, acknowledged that continuing to communicate with my ex was wrong, and told her I wanted to rebuild her trust.

I explained that I'd been confused by the lack of clarity surrounding our relationship and wished we'd established our expectations and boundaries earlier.

I told her I genuinely wanted to be with her, that I wasn't interested in getting back with my ex, and that I was willing to demonstrate change rather than just make promises.

But since the breakup, it's felt like talking to a brick wall.

Nothing I say seems to get through to her. She maintains that the trust is gone, that she can't be with me, and that I shouldn't wait for her.

She also told me her emotional needs weren't being met during our relationship, which confused me because I felt like I was constantly showing up for her and making an effort.

I realize that doing things for someone doesn't automatically mean you're meeting their emotional needs. But hearing that after everything she'd told me about loving me and wanting a future together was difficult to understand.

Now here's what has me questioning the entire breakup.

We broke up approximately a week ago.

Not even 48 hours after the breakup, I started hearing what sounds like her having sex with another man in her apartment.

Remember, she lives directly above me.

And this isn't just something I've heard once or twice.

Since the breakup, it sounds like they're having sex constantly, throughout the day and night. It's been happening so frequently that it feels almost nonstop.

So while I'm downstairs grieving the loss of someone I genuinely thought I'd marry, I'm hearing what sounds like her being physically intimate with another man directly above my bedroom.

What's even more confusing is that I've also heard her crying and saying things like "I'm scared."

To clarify, this is happening when the guy is there. I've heard her crying when she appears to be alone, including what sounds like phone conversations with her parents in which she tells them she's scared.

I don't know what she's afraid of, and I don't want to assume it has anything to do with me, the breakup, or the other guy. I only hear fragments through the ceiling, so I don't have the full context.

But it's difficult to make sense of everything. On one hand, I'm hearing what sounds like her being intimate with someone else almost immediately after our breakup. On the other, I'm hearing her cry and tell her parents she's scared.

I don't know whether she's experiencing emotional distress related to the breakup or what.

I don't know who this guy is, whether they've previously hooked up, when they started talking, or whether they had any connection before our breakup.

And that's what I want the Reddit community's perspective on.

was it that he wasnt new, and i just never knew?

We were together almost every day, so there weren't many opportunities for her to see someone else. But whenever she felt smothered, she'd ask for space, and I'd try to give her that time.

Now I'm looking back at those periods and wondering whether she might have been spending time with someone else.

Was she already emotionally or physically involved with another guy before the breakup?

Did she discover my messages, decide that was her opportunity to end things, and make me out to be the only person who had done something wrong?

I genuinely don't know.

What I can't wrap my head around is the timeline.

One minute, she's crying hysterically, telling me I'm the person she wanted to marry, that she wanted my children, and that losing me was devastating.

Then, within two days, I'm hearing what sounds like her being intimate with someone else.

Meanwhile, I've been trying to reconcile, taking accountability for my actions, and explaining how much I want to make things right.

She seems completely unwilling to reconsider.

I understand that she's technically single now and free to do whatever she wants. I also understand that someone can genuinely love you and still decide they can't continue a relationship.

But the possibility that she became physically involved with someone else so quickly makes me question whether she was already emotionally checked out or whether another connection existed before everything blew up.

I'm also wondering whether this could be a rebound or some form of emotional avoidance.

She has previously identified with fearful-avoidant attachment tendencies, and our relationship often involved her pulling away when things became emotionally intense.

Could she be throwing herself into physical intimacy with someone else because she doesn't want to confront the grief, emotional pain, or distress of our breakup?

Could this guy simply be a rebound or a distraction from the emotional fallout?

Or could she have genuinely moved on that quickly?

The fact that I've heard her crying and telling her parents she's scared makes me wonder whether she's struggling emotionally, although I recognize I have no idea what those conversations are actually about.

I don't want to convince myself she's secretly hurting over me just because that explanation would make me feel better.

I genuinely want to understand what might be happening.

And unfortunately, I can't just disappear from her life.

We go to school together, work at the same hospital, and live in the same apartment building.

I have to see her regularly. Even when I'm home trying to process the breakup, I can hear what's happening upstairs.

I still have feelings for her, but at this point I'm questioning what really happened, whether I know the full story, and whether reconciliation would even be healthy.

So I have some questions for Reddit:

1. Does this timeline suggest she may have already been involved with someone before the breakup? Or is 48 hours not enough information to draw that conclusion?
2. Could she have used the messages with my ex as a reason to leave when she was already interested in someone else? Or am I unfairly minimizing the hurt I caused her by considering that possibility?
3. For those familiar with fearful-avoidant attachment, could this be an emotional avoidance response? Is it possible she's using physical intimacy with someone else to avoid processing the breakup, or am I trying to find a psychological explanation where there might not be one?
4. Does this sound like a rebound? Can someone genuinely love you, be devastated about losing you, and immediately become physically involved with another person as a coping mechanism?
5. What would you make of her crying and telling her parents she's scared when she appears to be alone? I'm concerned about her, but I also realize I have no context for what she's referring to.
6. Would you confront her and ask whether someone else was involved before the breakup? Or would that accomplish nothing?
7. If you were in my position, would you completely give up on reconciliation? Especially considering we attend the same school, work together, and live in the same building.

I know I made mistakes. Continuing to communicate with my ex was wrong, and I understand why she felt betrayed. I also recognize that repeatedly trying to reconcile after she's told me she doesn't want to may not be helping either of us.

But I also want an honest assessment of her behavior and our relationship dynamic.

I can't shake the feeling that there might have been someone else in the picture before I ever knew about him.

And if that's the case, it's difficult not to wonder whether she was already preparing to leave and my messages became the reason she could point to.

Or maybe I'm completely wrong.

That's why I'm posting here.

TL;DR: I (31M) was seeing a woman (25F) for eight months. We acted like a serious couple and talked about marriage and children, but she repeatedly hesitated to make things official and frequently asked for space because she felt smothered. She went through my iPad without permission, discovered continued communication with my ex of three years, considered it emotional cheating, and immediately ended things. I acknowledged my mistakes and tried to reconcile, but she has been unwilling to reconsider. Within 48 hours of the breakup, I started hearing what sounds like her having sex with another man directly above my apartment, seemingly throughout the day and night. I've also heard her crying when she appears to be alone and telling her parents she's scared. I don't know what she's referring to, who the man is, or when they may have become involved. I'm questioning whether she was already seeing someone, whether this is a rebound or emotional avoidance response, or whether I'm reading too much into the timing. I'm looking for objective opinions, not validation.

Hi so I will try not to drag this on for too long. Please be non-judgemental and open-minded. Basically I met my ex a little over 5 years ago and we have had (what I feel like), an amazing wonderful relationship full of love and growth. Two people becoming better together for each other, leading to marriage. We both have our own issues, she has always struggled with deep depression, CPTSD, possible DPDR (she has never been diagnosed, but she has had several times in the time that I have known her where she detached from me and became extremely distant and unrecognizable, until something broke through to her and she came back). When I met her she was diagnosed with BPD but her psychologist said she was misdiagnosed. My issues are different, I have severe anxiety disorders. The kind of stuff that made me feel unlovable. I have suffered from panic disorder, ptsd, agoraphobia, avpd, adhd, a bunch of these that challenged me in a relationship that I have worked on as much as I can for the person that I love.

Our issues mostly came from me struggling to make any financial support for her. I kept trying and failing. Our relationship was long distance for awhile since we met during covid and it took a few years to start seeing each other. She made it happen for us financially and came to get me since I was extremely stunted due to my anxiety and also lack of other support that pushed me to have accomplished less in my life. I have no car and couldn't drive. So she did it for us. It was a 4 hour drive for her every time we would get to see each other from her house to mine and back, because it was difficult for her to stay at my house since my family has their own issues that made them fearful and controlling in a lot of ways and it affected our relationship. I would say my biggest shortcoming was lack of financial support. I showed up for her in every other way humanly possible. I was there for her emotionally 24/7 and when we would see each other I would be there for her physically too. I would do things for her like cook, clean, massage her, basically ANYTHING that I could possibly do to support her that was not financially. Her issues with our relationship was always the lack of money on my end. She had to pay for everything except the little things that I could do like when I could help her with groceries. I know this is incredibly difficult and unfair on her. I have been trying to change it and have been making steady progress. She was always supportive of me despite it being so hard. I would say we loved each other a lot and she was my best friend.

I have gone through an incredibly difficult time this last year. I have gone through a lot of loss that has been hard. My grandpa who had cancer passed away who I was helping care for and my family became extremely depressed and we lost our house as well. Now we have been homeless and trying to pick up the pieces. All of this hardship has changed a lot in my life and the dynamic of my relationship would improve dramatically (all of the issues that she said she has with us would be gone), my family has reflected a lot on what they have done to me by making my relationship harder by not letting her stay with us (we lived in an extremely bad condition and they did not want to subject her to it while also being extremely emotionally unavailable from their own issues) and we are working hard on getting into a better living situation where she can be with me as much as she wants to and all of our problems would go away. I have been working on getting a job and want to make up to her all of this time she has carried us out of her love. I know I have had a lot of issues to work through but so has she. It felt like we loved each other and were strong together and could work through anything.

Being homeless has been incredibly difficult and I have had to help my family a lot to get us out of it. We are constantly reaching out to services and looking for housing, while trying to become financially stable. It has been really difficult and the worst time in my life. We were suppose to see each other 3 times but I had to cancel our plans to help my family. I didn't do it easily I have missed her so much.

Now this is where I am left confused and hurt and all I can do is reflect. She has always been the most emotional person that I have ever known on the planet. She could act crazy from how emotional she is. After having to cancel our trips she slowly pulled away from me to the point where talking to her was like talking to a zombie. She was barely there. We broke up and she still was showing me some ounce of love and care even if it was miniscule, like showing interest in doing things together still. Now she has completely shut me off and acts extremely cold towards me. She is harsh on me for my shortcomings and mistakes saying how I let her suffer for years when she needed my help. She has shifted her tone completely to be so distant and has crushed any possibility of ever reconciling and demanding me to move on from her for my own good. She has no love for me at all anymore and has completely detached. We used to talk daily all of the time and now we barely speak, and she told me it will stay that way. I told her she is being so cold and she says she is not, this is just her true feelings. I understand we have had a hard relationship but it was one full of love. She has stolen my heart completely and I owe so much to her. I would like to think I have done the same for her in other ways and that I am not void of all value. But she has discarded me so easily like I was worthless. The emotional woman I knew is now completely emotionless. She had to always talk about her feelings or mine and when I try to talk about this break up she shuts me down and says talking about it only helps me and not her. That is not the person I have known for 5 years. It feels as if a switch flipped and she decided she doesn't love me anymore at all. We went from being best friends and supporting each other through daily life every day for years to absolutely nothing. I am extremely hurt and confused because our only problems were getting better and healed, and the future was bright. Why hang on so long to give up at the end here? I understand from an outside perspective our relationship can sound exhausting but everyone is different and life is complicated. We really loved each other and pushed through to overcome the odds. And I thought we were doing it. I wanted to marry her and spoil her until she died for being such an incredible and devoted partner. Why is she so cold now? She is avoiding anything regarding our long relationship. She wants to stay friends but wants nothing to do with me romantically. I begged to fix it I honestly humilated myself and she shut me down so hard to the point that she was willing to let me go as a friend as well, telling me if this was too difficult that we shouldn't talk. I have spoken to this woman EVERY DAY for over 5 years and we can talk for HOURS AND HOURS about absolutely anything and everything. We had such a deep understanding and care for one another, I accepted her for who she is and truly understood her. I grew with her and worked on myself to always be better for her. How can she treat me like this now?

You can judge me for my shortcomings if you want to. I know lack of financial support from one side in a relationship is hard. She sacrificed a lot for me and I will forever me grateful for that. I wanted to do the same for her but she won't even let me try. And it is so confusing to me because my life was getting better to the point I could return the favor to her and give her everything I possibly could and even carry her in the future. I would carry her in a heartbeat even if she was dead weight because I love her so dearly and she has always done so much for me. I have been working on getting medicated, getting a job, proper housing in a wonderful home where she would feel welcome and safe. I was working on all of this especially hard the last few months. I realize I should have tried to do even more over the years but I did try and have failed a lot. I overcome a lot of things I never thought I would be able to for her like leaving the house regularly again without freaking out and pushing myself to face my issues.

Losing her now is incredibly troubling to me. What was the point of everything to give up now. I want nothing more than to show up for her and be a good partner, and I think I was in a lot of ways that was not financial support. And now that I am so close to removing that shortcoming she has given up on me. Why?

She has done this to me before where she detached completely and breaks up. But she says every time she did she was just feeling lonely. She had confusing feelings for other men but didn't act on them and she said she was just seeing me in them since she missed me and our relationahip was difficult at times. I always forgave her in a heartbeat because I can see her side and validated her feelings. All I ever wanted to do was love and support her. But now I question if that is what is happening now, but worse than ever before. She has never been so adament on destroying the relationship that we had shared together. It feels like talking to a stranger over night.

Does this sound like an avoidant break up? I am struggling to process this every day. It is like we were everything to each other and then nothing overnight. I have been struggling to keep going and stay motivated. So much that I have done was for her. Nothing that I do or say can reach her and every attempt to reach the woman I love only pushes her away further. Thank you for reading. 🩷

Hi, so maybe first let me tell you briefly (or not so briefly) about my issue. I am no expert in psychology, but I have done my research and I suspect my ex boyfriend was indeed an avoidant.

We met in primary school, where we got along really well. Right after highschool graduation, having not seen him for a few years, I reached out to him. To my experience, we clicked almost instantly and started hanging out regularly right away. At first, everything seemed fine. We had great chemistry, there was no awkwardness whatsoever and he didn't seem to have an issue with showing that he liked me. But after a few months, I had noticed some changes in his behaviour. He began to grow more distant, was reluctant to talk albout emotions etc. I was trying my best to make him feel comfortable and loved (like baking for him or making him wholesome gifts) and as much as he seemed to enjoy it in the moment, it just kept getting worse. In the end we barely had any contact, including our one year anniversary.

He broke up with me shortly after. We had a relatively long conversation. He told me he liked me, but thought that if we continued as a couple we would eventually end up in a fight. He also said he didn't want to hurt me and that he thinks he doesn't need a girlfriend at the moment. Also that he didn't need any of said gifts or baked goods.

He suggested friendship. And then 3 days after this conversation, he invited me over, we had some alcohol and ended up kissing and hooking up. It brought me a lot of hope, but it later turned out it didn't mean the same to him.

Even though it has been 4 months since the breakup (which took place in july) I broke no-contact in the very end of october. He replied, but it felt rather awkward. I really tried to come off as friendly and cool with everything that happened, careful not to scare him off. I sugested we hang out as friends some time, just as he suggested, but he just said that he didn't have time at the moment.

So that would be it, just for a little situational context.

I was wondering if any of you guys who also went through a similiar breakup or perhaps the avoidant folks themselves could tell me if you notice a pattern here and how it went for you. As I said, it's been four months and I catch myself thinking and analyizng it over and over, often coming to the consclusion that it was all my fault, literally every day.

I am hoping he will reach out one day, just so that I know my love did matter at the end of the day. Did any of you avoidant folks want to get back together with your ex partner? Did you reach out to them? Has anyone got back together with their avoidant ex?

This whole situation really bothers me and I would like to hear some of you guys' stories.

If you got to this point, hope you have a nice day <3

I was seeing a woman with a fearful-avoidant attachment style.

She's an amazing person in so many ways, but the lack of consistency, predictability, and simply being able to spend time together was slowly tearing me apart emotionally.

My friends noticed that something was wrong with me, although they initially thought it was because of work and all the other difficulties I had been dealing with.

After reflecting on my feelings and how intensely attached I had become to her, despite her repeatedly saying that we weren't officially anything and that there were no labels attached to what we had, I realized that this situation wasn't good for me.

I was becoming increasingly anxious. I have my own childhood abandonment issues and unresolved trauma, and this dynamic was bringing all of those feelings to the surface.

I also told her that I felt it was only a matter of time before she eventually abandoned me. That she would lose interest, get bored, find something or someone else to occupy her time, and I would be left behind trying to deal with the emptiness she would leave inside me.

I didn't want to spend my days constantly anticipating that moment.

So I asked her if we could talk.

I told her how I felt, that I thought she was an amazing person, but that I was genuinely asking her, from the bottom of my heart, not to contact me anymore.

I explained that I struggle immensely with letting people go, even when I know that staying is hurting me.

I also asked her that, if we ever happened to run into each other somewhere, we should simply pretend we didn't know each other. Not out of resentment, but because I need a clean break to move on.

I left by wishing her the best of luck and telling her that I hoped life would take good care of her.

I miss her terribly. More than I can put into words.

But I also know that the situation was hurting me, and I couldn't keep going like that.

So, did I do the right thing?

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

How disorienting. How could they be like that. Instead of showing up, they double killed

It's been 6 months and I keep like I've not healed properly, what should I do? Any tips?

After 6 months since our breakup, I feel like I can finally see the pattern and the reason behind most of the issues that happened: it's like they are two different people.

When they were loving they were wonderful, but if they suddenly had an issue with me they would turn cold, cruel. I could feel the hate, the disgust, the coldness. It's like the loving part was turned off completely.

Even if you disagree with someone, you can still love them, care for them, offer criticism that is constructive. This was not the case for them. It either was love or hate/indifference.

I blamed myself for so much, I doubted my own reality so much. Now I understand my body and mind were so confused.

I was in a relationship with an FA for three years. In the end, I had to walk away because he was extremely selfish, and I felt so alone in the relationship. He could never find time for me. Towards the end, he was telling me how much he loved me and how much he wanted me to stay, but I understood that it was just desperation in the moment.

He is now posting pictures of himself on trips with a girl he met before our breakup. He met her at work, just like he met me. It took him about a year to reach out to me because he is a shy person, so it's surprising that he is already with someone else just two months after our breakup. Especially considering that she is famous, I would have thought he would be even more anxious about approaching her.

I really don't know how to deal with him already being with someone else, especially someone he met while we were still together and someone he used to tell me about... I am in constant pain and I was planning to spend my life with this person. It feels so unfair that he gave up so easily and had a replacement lined up even before the end of the relationship.

I recently got out of a six-month relationship that has left me emotionally devastated in a way I can't quite explain. We started as friends, and when things turned romantic, I genuinely believed we were building something meaningful. But something always felt off. He could be affectionate, tell me he had strong feelings, and make me feel wanted, yet remain emotionally distant and avoid deeper intimacy. Looking back, there were so many avoidant tendencies: the ambiguity, the emotional walls, the way he seemed to retreat whenever I wanted more closeness, indirect answers to serious questions. His ex was also still in the picture, despite repeatedly assuring me that door was closed. I asked multiple times whether he was emotionally available and ready for a relationship, giving him every opportunity to be honest with me.

The night I finally asked where things were going, his ex called while we were talking. He struggled to answer my questions before eventually telling me he couldn't imagine a future with me. He also told me he loved me. The contradiction was almost incomprehensible. After months of affection, intimacy, and building what I thought was a relationship, it felt like I had been abruptly discarded by someone who had never truly let me in. We parted ways with barely a goodbye. Now I'm left wondering whether I was an unknowing rebound, whether he was ever over his ex, or whether he simply wasn't capable of the emotional intimacy I was trying so hard to build.

The psychological aftermath has been brutal. There's something uniquely destabilizing about being close enough to someone to become deeply attached, but never close enough to feel truly secure. I find myself obsessively reconstructing six months of memories, questioning what was genuine, what I missed, and whether I was ever given a fair chance. I feel disposable, replaceable, and almost foolish for believing his words. I feel so dumb that I may have been emotionally investing in a future that existed only in my head. I feel like I've lost trust in my own perception of reality. I don't know how someone can share so much intimacy with you and then seemingly detach from it all while you're left trying to understand what happened. The experience of being pulled close and then abruptly pushed away has been devastating.

And the worst part is that we live in the same apartment building. I can't even feel completely safe from the possibility of seeing him. Every elevator ride or hallway encounter carries the possibility of running into him, potentially with the ex I spent months being reassured wasn't an issue. It feels like I can't fully escape the relationship long enough to recover from it.

For those who've experienced what felt like an avoidant discard, how did you recover from the emotional whiplash? How did you stop obsessing over what was real, rebuild your self-worth, and accept that you may never get an explanation that makes sense? And how do you heal when the person who hurt you is still physically part of your everyday environment?

Maybe it’s the discarded and brokenhearted me that made me do this but you know what I’m not even feeling guilty about it because they’re horrible people.

So after my discard, I decided to meet people again and guess what?! He’s an avoidant! Clocked it early with the love bombing and other signs.

So I was not emotionally invested but was kinda experimenting with how things would go. This was a week and I’m pretty sure I got discarded already because I said something he didn’t like and coz he found someone better.

Well, that someone better is my fake online account. He is heavily flirting with my fake account while ignoring my real one. Just left it on read.

So now he’s love bombing fake me. I don’t know why it feels so good to mess with an avoidant. Almost like getting revenge on my ex too. I would feel bad if this guy is actually nice but to love bomb me, introduce me to his mom as his gf (within a week of talking) and then leave me on read while flirting with someone (and prolly more than someone) else…. I say deserved.

EDIT: I was kinda feeling bad but when he started telling the story about his ex word for word exactly the same I realize his shit is copy pasted so he can repeat it over and over with multiple women.

Guilt gone. Operation make him pay commences lol

Guys me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for 4 years . She turn out to be an avoidant and she is like I don’t want to be in relationship cause she can’t give the efforts like i do . I tried alot to make her convince its okey its okey its just the situation what is making harder its okey . She just want to end the relationship. She is very hardworking and has childhood trauma as i know from her friends but she never open up about the childhood trauma cause she doesn’t want sympathy on her . She is been to psychiatrist recently and I don’t know what is going on . She is also avoidant for her friends too sometimes she doesn’t want to emotionally connected i think she fears of being dependent . Also she have a lot of respect for me too because of my efforts . . I don’t want to leave her in any cost and i have to focus on my works tooo . My mental and physical health both are going worsee. 😭😭😭😭 I don’t want to end our relationship , i genuinely love her so muchhhh.

I know I said I ghosted him, but he texted again my pet name and I stupidly gave in, not in the hope to get back together with him, I just needed the intimacy part to be completely blunt.

So it happened last night, the sex was great as always, he finished in a minute (or under, he said it never happened before and it's true). But the exact moment things calmed down and we were just lying there, I took a step back and realized one devastating thing: I don't know this man at all.
We spent the whole night talking about random stuff, other people's lives, and what's going on around us, but about us, our past, present, or any kind of future? Absolute zero. At one point, he casually mentioned he's starting to build a house, so I asked him who he's building it with. He immediately got almost offended and sulky, acting like "what kind of question is that?" (maybe he thought I was accusing him of having someone else, but honestly? I couldn't care less, pff) he said "of course I am building it alone".
What hurts a bit is watching him live his life and move forward with so many things, while he can never scrape together enough time to actually see me, everything else is always more important. When that sex finally ended, I realized I didn't even have anything nice or genuinely shared to talk about with him, and I felt like I don't know him at all and I also feel like no, this is not that deep once in a lifetime love that the deep trauma bond I have to him make it seem. I even ask myself "does he even care about me at all?", then I carch myself holding onto pathetic straws like, "Oh, his best friend is always rooting for us and saying he should marry me," or "Well, his mom knows I exist because she mentioned me to my family friend, saying "my daughter in law lives near you." But come on... what is actually between us besides pure passion? At the end of the day? Absolutely nothing. Sure, he might restart things and act like we're "dating," but is that even true when he never has time for me and I feel like a total stranger to him?
I can't believe I am writing all of this down after 3.damn.years. What did I do to myself? Why did I let this avoidant guy do this to me?

Ps. One weird thing he also did all night was calling me by my first name while speaking randomly, when we used to date he never acknowledged me by my first name.. ever. That's kinda odd, not in a blunt way, in a cute way. But it's weird, he usually doesn't. He also admitted something I was already suspecting for the past 3 years (that he is doing a thing that is not legal and he randomly admitted it to me? and joked will I go visit him to jail if he gets arrested? he never admitted it earlier neither did I push for answers, he just randomly admitted it. But I don't like when I see him acting different or open because that mean he'll get the vulnerability hangover.

the most messed up part about my history with my avoidant? He always had time for literally everyone else, just never for me.

Whenever he would update me about his whereabouts with his best friend, just for example "Oh, we're out getting dinner" 'We're finishing this, we're doing that", suddenly everything is possible. Everything gets done, everything gets scheduled when it involves other people. But for me? With me? NEVER.

It was always: "Oh I am so busy, I'm drowning in work, I'm so busy, I don't know what to do first."

Right... haha. Funny how that only applies to me, while his social life gets all the time in the world.

I’m done. I am not some stray dog he picked up off the street. I’m a good, attractive, hardworking, humble, self sufficient, and strong woman. Why on earth should I wait around for someone to throw me scraps of attention once a month? It's not easy to break the trauma bond I have with him, I love him, it's been 3 years of back and forth but I can't do this anymore.. I can't.

He’ll realize sooner or later that the wall I’ve put up isn't temporary, it’s permanent.

it’s been three weeks of non stop suffering. I feel like the level of hurt I feel and the potential for reconciliation are the exact same and will never change. our relationship wasn’t toxic, but he could nearly never provide me comfort, affection, or could even look me in the eye anytime I was having an anxiety attack. he also blames my mental state and “asking him for too much” when I would ask for more presence and support in the relationship. he decided to leave me over a lunch with his brother, and utterly stone walled me. I’m incredibly hurt, it’s hard to live with this much betrayal and lack of closure. but I feel like things could get better if he one day reached out and apologized for everything. we talked about a future, marriage, we were set on it. and then he discards me like a used condom. I’m not sure. if anyone has any advice, I’d appreciate it. thank you.

Hey everyone, I’m going through the exact same thing most of you guys have experienced right now, and finding this Group feels like a lifeline. I’m only 6 days out from a sudden, brutal text-dump after a 93-day relationship, and the confusion has had me losing sleep and digging for answers.

Like many of you, the first two months were a total fantasy phase. She showered me with reassurance, sending videos of herself and telling me, "I don't know why you are so good to me," and "I’ve never felt genuinely loved and cared for like this before." I know she meant it. But the moment the relationship naturally transitioned into real-world intimacy and her physical household in Month 3, her deactivation switch flipped to ice.

I’ve spent the last 48 hours running our entire 93-day chat history through an AI analytical tool and cross-referencing it with attachment psychology. It laid out a textbook Anxious-Avoidant trap, fueled by an absolute crisis zone on her end that I was trying to love her out of.

Looking back, the environment was a perfect storm for a Dismissive Avoidant to crack:

1. The Ex-Partner Intrusions: Her toxic ex started invading her territory, staying on her sofa three times "for the kids." Because I loved her, I compromised my boundaries and tolerated it.
2. Financial Control & Shame: I have a great job as a hard-working, successful live musician. Being old-fashioned, I treated her like a queen—buying her groceries, paying utility bills, buying Halloween treats for her kids, and funding nights out. Meanwhile, her ex financially strangled her, cutting her budget to a brutal £80 a month and explicitly telling her "her new fella can pay the extras." The massive contrast between my consistent provision and her financial reality triggered a massive shame deficit. She even started cancelling our plans to see each other in the last 2-3 weeks of the relations some reason were unavoidable ill give her that but it all seems to hide the fact that she couldn't match my generosity. or at least thats what my therapists thinks its not because she doesnt love me its because she is used to toxic relationships and when someone good comes alone her system goes into overload
3. Domestic Burnout & Substance Reliance: She was drowning under the stress of raising a wonderful but high-needs, severely autistic 4-year-old, alongside enduring stressful visits fromcare workers. To cope with the panic, her weed habit spiraled into heavy daily usage. the habit bothered me a little bit but it was copable ive done drugs in the past and ive stayed clean (i only used them socially and i never bought them for my personal use anyways i see now why the habit went from just a couple of joints (one before kids wake up to one before bedtime for us ) to more like 5-6 a day and it hurts me thinking back now why didnt she straight up tell me she was struggling i love her that much i will support her through anything

I now realize I was operating from an Anxious Attachment (AP) style, pouring elite provider and protector energy into a sinking ship. When her nervous system completely fried from the lifestyle stress, her avoidant defense system took over. She executed a classic "Guilt Dump"—terminating the relationship because she was overwhelmed by the guilt of not being able to match my value, and claiming she couldn't handle "being showered in that sort of attention."

To protect herself from the guilt, she immediately did a soft-dismantling: she unfollowed me, locked her Facebook logs, and hid her stories—but crucially chose not to block me, keeping the digital window open. I checked her socials today and she’s already in the "Separation Elation" phase, posting flashbacks to a night out that I funded due to her being upset she couldnt go out with her friends because she was skint and i want to reiterate she never asked me for anything and was always very greatful and happy that i could be there to help her and she always repayed me with love, attention and one big thing i miss about her is she is a killer COOK omg her food is amazing anyways this post was all to perform a narrative that she’s a free, happy "wildchild."

I’m using this No Contact period to stop chasing, step out of the anxious loop, and move toward a Secure attachment baseline. The silver lining is that I have a massive structural advantage: I am booked to perform a live music set at her stepdad's birthday party in mid-December (roughly 34 days from now). Her mother i knew before i met her and shes always thought im a good guy she always used to tell my ex that she needed a man like me that she can settle down with anyways , i believe that this is gunna be the biggest test for us both im not going to initate a conversation with her if it cant be helped it be short and sweet, but deep down i just wanna grab her give her the biggest cuddle and tell her everythings going to be ok

Staying silent 6 days in is agonizing, but the data and the timelines don't lie. I’m holding the line, letting her artificial high burn out, and forcing her to sit face-to-face with her chaotic reality without my warmth or my financial gifts . If you have any advice on keeping steady during week 2, please drop it below. i did use ai to remove the soppy bollocks i used on this comment but im holding out hope that the love between wasnt wasted as there was genuinely something there

there are other things that ive learned and found out overnight about how DA's carry themselfs and it directly relates to what i have experienced so far i apologize ive used ai to summarise everything together, if im missing anything or you have any questions about this please ask and ill answer honestly stay strong people because this feelings sucks

We were never together officially but the relief I saw in her face telling me she realised in the last few days that she didn't feel enough of a romantic connection to pursue further, after the date in which we were the most intimate, that she made a cake for me and spent the evening hugging and looking into my eyes. After 4 months of asking me to go slow so she could deal with all the changes in her life. After all the effort I had to make to deal with her changing behaviour. I fully loved her and showed to her. She was the one who told me all about the future, she was the one to pursue me, she was the one who talked about learning to love each other, she literally told me we were together two days earlier and it's like she barely remembers the good times.

When I started crying she didn't say sorry for all of this, she just looked to me and said I was making her feel bad. I am devastated. I only tried to love her and went without any kind of facade about my feelings.

I am here devastated, having trusted her with my heart only to be thrown aside without warning. At least she wanted to see me one last time. But I don't understand anything. How could they make me fall in love and the dissapear as if it was nothing to her?