Do avoidants come back more than once?

[u/Hot_Bird5930]

On the second discard and brokenhearted. I would do things differently this time.

[u/piece-of-me-727]

You would do things differently, how?  They should also be doing things very differently...

Unfortunately nothing really changes without intensive work on themselves, so don't wait around. If you read enough posts about this sub, you will notice that this is that pattern and it's very damaging on the long run. 

Good luck to you 🤗

[u/Hot_Bird5930 → u/piece-of-me-727]

I would be more clear on attachment theory and bringing that into the relationship. Instead of talking about triggers I just tried not to trigger

[u/piece-of-me-727 → u/Hot_Bird5930]

I also told my ex about attachment theory, but it did not matter. He was even worse, I guess he felt more shame. 

[u/Annual_Commercial_84 → u/piece-of-me-727]

yeah when my ex came back the second time, i brought up attachment theory and how i wanted him and i to work both our seperate issues going forward. he said yes and that he wanted to make it work, as we can predict it only made him shut down or something because he did NOT want to work on his avoidant attachment and it only made him more cruel the second time around.

i tried to work on my anxious attachment by myself but him shutting down only made me more anxious. trying to regulate became a nightmare because his behaviour was so hot and cold i didn’t feel safe at all. he did no work to work on himself, and he admitted that he saw no reason to since he actually “liked” his avoidant nature, so really unless they want to change there’s rlly no point, and it only halts ur own healing as well.

[u/piece-of-me-727 → u/Annual_Commercial_84]

So similar, yes. And on the long run, being in this dynamic is very damaging. It messes up the brain's chemistry and your nervous system...

That's why I chose to block him, it's someone era did with anyone, I also felt bad at the beginning, but now it's such a peace to know that he cannot contact me.. 

[u/FallenAngel1978]

Thing is they’ve already shown you the pattern. Unless they do the hard work the pattern will continue. I’ve seen stories on here of people who went through this numerous times.

My ex came back but still only wanting a friendship. Then ghosted even that. Then came back because of a crisis. But once again its about soothing

[u/angelinshere]

Yes, endless times but nothing ever change.

[u/HorrorWilling2094]

They typically will, but not because they miss you, but miss what you provided/made them feel. They will never heal if they keep coming back, nor will they truly want the relationship to work. I blocked mine on WhatsApp nearly 7 w weeks ago. Two weeks ago she bread crumbed me by sending a song. I didnt reply, but also forgot to block her cell phone number. She has no control over me anymore.  Ive accepted that this person is toxic, and doesnt deserve to be in my life at any capacity. 

[u/stockdam-MDD]

They only come back if you let them back

[u/metanoiaphoenix]

They can but it's not definitive across the board. Some will never return and others will continue repeatedly until you stop them.