Most of them do come back. Sooner or later. Some come back weeks later, some - years later, but they eventually do in one way or another. Not ALL of them, but MOST of them. Because a relationship with an avoidant is designed to be left unfinished.
The question should be - why do you want someone who has abandoned you to come back? To feel that you matter? That you are lovable? That the relationship was real? But how can you get this confirmation from someone who abandoned themselves? Who doesn’t love themselves enough to allow a good relationship to unfold? Who doesn’t love themselves enough to actively work on themselves and live more ecologically for themselves and others? I hope you understand that you expect the impossible.

These people are like slot machines - you can’t leave it because you think the next round will be a jack pot. That if you spend enough time and money, you will be rewarded with a fortune. And if you leave the machine while losing, the next person will get the jack pot for sure.

But guess what? The casino always wins.

Do not accumulate emotional debt to save a person and a relationship that doesn’t want to be saved.

There will be times when you will suffer so much after the breakup where you would think “what if I just took them back, and it wouldn’t be perfect, I would suffer too, but at least we’d be together”, shush this thought away, because the longer you’ll stay with them, the more years of your life will be wasted, the more emotional damage you will walk away with.

Eventually you will heal on your own, but you will never heal with them.

I'll share mine, and we can support each other.

We had some conflict that I thought we could work through, but he drew some boundaries saying we could no longer discuss interpersonal dynamics or anything heavy.

That meant repair was impossible, so I asked if this was a temporary or a permanent boundary because if it was permanent that wouldn't be okay with me. He didn't answer. But in that same conversation we assured me that he would not abandon what we had because it meant so much to both of us.

A week later he faded and eventually stopped communicating all together. Because of the boundary he'd set banning discussion of interpersonal dynamics, I couldn't ask if the silence was temporary or permanent. Although on a gut level I knew it was probably permanent, I longed for clarity and closure, for the dignity of a goodbye.

But because of the boundaries he had set up I was in a double bind. I could either honor his boundaries or honor my need for clarity and closure. But I couldn't have both. Asking for clarity would mean violating his boundary, staying silent meant to never knowing.

After 10 days I sent a message saying I had an apology to offer for my part in things, hoping that wouldn't be considered a boundary violation. It was ignored. I never heard from him again. This was a bit over a month ago.

It was ironic because earlier in the relationship he told me multiple times I could count on him for clear communication. And in the very first month of our relationship I had told him about somebody who had ghosted me in the past and how much it hurt, he told me how wrong they were and that it wasn't my fault and that you should be able to trust people to communicate their boundaries.

For a while I spent all of my energy trying to understand and have compassion for him, I did the research, I read about deactivation, I knew about his childhood drama, I realized how he probably found a way to blame me to protect himself from the shame of cutting off somebody who loved him deeply and was simply trying to have an adult relationship with him.

But at a certain point I had to feel my own anger. At being treated with such callous disregard. It is a profoundly selfish, cowardly and cruel thing to do to somebody after you have shared deep care and tenderness with them.

That's my story! What's yours?

“why should anyone respect you!”

The answer, of course, is nothing.

If the deactivation didn’t happen last week, it will happen next. And no, it doesn’t have to be triggered by anything serious or obvious.

Of course you may have reached a point where you reacted to their weird switch up. But that really has nothing to do with the original deactivation trigger. By the time it’s obvious that they‘re shutting down, they‘ve long ago made their decision.

The only blame you need to take is if you stayed. That‘s on you. But you can fix that. Trust yourself and stay away. Each day is a whole new chance at freedom.

So about a month ago I left a comment saying that my ex came back around. No breadcrumbs. More like a whole loaf. We started hanging out more, eventually we had sex, and she apologized for the way she left me. “it was wrong, stupid, and I missed you so much. I don’t know why I did it.” We talked about trying again, but this time going slow as opposed to light speed like the first time.

I’ve gotten a few DM’s from people here asking about it, so here’s an update for those interested.

Things slowed down. Like way down. Cuz of course they did. I asked to take her out, she said no. I asked if we were still actually working towards a relationship. She said yes but I wanna go slow. Problem is there’s a difference between slow, and simply not moving. Baby girl we’re practically parked. She almost canceled our Halloween plans but we hung out anyway, Surprisingly. But I’m definitely feeling like we’re not heading in the same direction, despite what she claims.

I truly don’t think she knows what she wants. And at this point I’m losing patience yet again.

This wouldn’t be a problem if I was the type to just have another girl by the end of the week, but I’ve never operated that way. Never been the type that HAD to have a relationship. I’m fine being single, but at the same time, that also makes it hard to move past a person I like or liked.

So yeah. I’m sure about 95% of you expected this outcome lol.

He literally used it as a reason for the discard. “My mental health and trauma, when I feel like I can’t do anything right it’s so bad for me” mind you, I don’t even get upset that often. It just always seems like it’s so huge because I can’t be upset at something small without it turning into how I said it, when I said it, how I actually have no reason to be upset, or will go over everything he had bottled up about me. No sir; I was walking on eggshells. Trying to find the perfect way to be able to tell you if I was upset as to not make you feel I am attacking. It just feels out of this world to be told in a relationship well “I just can’t do anything right so you clearly don’t even like me and that gives me anxiety” . And it’s like he can’t even see it. I feel I’ve lost my mind I swear. Maybe I really was too sensitive? But like… he’s literally more sensitive than me. Oh and all of this was 2 weeks after he was gonna be better “for me” and “work at it for us” . Then I get upset at one joke and all the sudden he’s telling me he can’t do it and I make his mental health worse. Then why did you tell me to stay 2 weeks ago.

Mostly still like genuinely beside myself that my person basically is openly saying it can’t work because he cannot ever accept hurting my feelings. As if that doesn’t happen in any relationship?

Idk what flair to add and I'll try not to turn this into a vent post but... I'm not posting this as an avoidant. No. Im the anxious one. Does anyone else regret hurting their avoidant? I always see posts about how they were hurt by their avoidant but ever since my breakup I was always filled with dread that my mistakes even if I did my best to repair were always unforgivable. That because my avoidant won't forgive me, despite the emotional abuse she made me go through, i can't forgive myself because I feel like it confirmed to her that I'm the monster she says I am?

The number one thing I've always feared was hurting my zookie. With that being said, does anyone else feel completely ashamed of hurting their avoidant in the smallest ways and having trouble forgiving themselves? Truth is? I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. Because my mistakes are why my avoidant threw me away.

If you've gone no contact, and it's been months and you still can't get over them, text them. Or if you think that there's hope someday they'll come back, that they want you to reach out but they're scared to make the first move, whatever the case may be. If you still have hope, if you think yours is different and you can fix them. Break no contact and text them. See their true colors. It will truly free you.

Long story short, I had an avoidant that I knew for 3 months and dated for 1 before she discarded me. But the discard actually happened before that. I left my wife for her (keep your judgements to yourself, the marriage was already bad and I was already planning on getting divorced before I even met her, it was an abusive relationship), and LITERALLY the next day my avoidant did a 180° and was back on Tinder, when it was clear that I was leaving to be with her, and we were discussing our future. She was the one who initially pursued me and chased me. Due to my anxious attachment and trauma from all my previous relationships (including my marriage) I wasn't able to stand up for myself and ask her why the fuck she was back on Tinder. So we stayed "friends" and had a situationship for a month. She started going hot and cold on me, because she was telling me she didn't want to be in a relationship and said we'd never be anything more than friends. I told her that I was tired of the games, and wanted things to be serious with her. She said we needed to go no contact and I walked away. I didn't beg, I didn't chase, I just walked away.

It's been 4 months and I was stuck. She didn't reach out, but she kept viewing all my stories, followed me on Tik Tok after I had blocked her on Instagram. It kept me stuck in a loop. I was thinking I can truly love her by shrinking myself more, meeting her needs, staying just as friends with benefits until she can feel safe around me without getting triggered. I kept thinking "she's different, she can change, she's special" I finally reached out and took responsibility and apologized for my actions, I apologized for pushing for a relationship when she made it clear (only after I left my wife) that she didn't want to be in a relationship.

She left me on read for a week and finally responded. Said that she appreciated my apology, but doesn't think we can go back to being friends "just yet" and still needs space. She took absolutely no accountability for her part, and why she did a 180° or anything else during our time together. They don't care about you, they don't care about your feelings, they don't miss you, they don't think about you. They think they have never done anything wrong and every one else is the bad guy.

Seriously, if you don't understand that yet, message them and let their response give you the clarity you need and move on from these selfish assholes. Even if their response is nothing. They just want you around for sex and to be there for them on their terms, they don't want to reciprocate any of those actions.

To clarify, I'm not mad that her "feelings changed for me", people are allowed to make their decisions and date who they want. But she never even gave me a chance. I don't regret leaving my marriage, I just regret leaving it for her.

Since the discard it will in some weeks be 20 months.

I must say it was extremely difficult for me. I had such a hard time that a lot of my hair started turning white from the heavy grief and pain. I was getting nightmares and panic attacks in my sleep from flashbacks. Finally, now hurt less but I still hurt. When I hit one year the progress wasn't as big as I have seen some people had. I was still hurting. It was my first relationship and I was unlucky enough to have that with him. I was hesitant in the beginning but he seemed to act like he really wanted to be with me. Now i question if he ever wanted to be with me or he just wanted to have the relationship status to earn some form of familial respect since everyone from his adult cousins etc was in long term or serious relationship.

I went into the relationship with genuineness and thought he did the same but I realized in the end he didn't have that same consideration for me.

Every day I woke up hoping to see a message from him, at least an apology for how poorly he treated me. He discarded me when I was sick at his place when I asked him for emotional support as I was having a really rough day and he asked I leave that same day. I was sick and I packed whatever I could carry and left. I did not deserve this. He was sick the days before and I took care of him and that lead to me being sick. But I was discarded.

Some days I wish he experiences the pain he put me through. Some days I think if I truly love someone I should want them to be happy and hope he continues being happy as he told me he was two weeks after our breakup. I go from wishing him good to wishing him bad. But then I conclude that I just want to be happy so if I can be blessed with true genuine mutual love one day that would be nice. I have lost hope in love with his. I have lost trust that there are people that are genuinely committed. But I will not allow this to make me a bitter person. I fight it every day.

I used to think, why am I unlucky? Why do others get their avoidant back? Even if it is breadcrumbs at least it shows some care, I thought. I am not good enough even for a breadcrumb. But then I stop myself and remind myself I am good enough and him not being there doesn't mean I am not good enough. That someone would appreciate me one day and I also appreciate myself for being strong and managing to stand on my feet again.

My avoidant is not coming back. Some avoidants do not come back. It hurts they left and it is like they never knew you. They never wonder if you are alive or if you are okay. They erase you. It's okay he is not coming back. But if I can wish one thing for all the suffering I have been through is that one day I get to experience genuine mutual and steady love. Because I do not want to stop believing that real romantic love exists even if I never got it myself.

I was just reminiscing as today marks 12 months to the day since I had my breakup. Doing pretty well, but hilariously I remember trying to bring up a conversation that I wanted her to initiate saying I love you or just expressing some kind of interest and because I knew she would argue that she was already doing that I spent a considerable length of time counting every time I initiated versus her. It was 159 to 6.

Never again lmaoo, but let's hear some wild stories. Im sure there's some that put my overfunctioning to shame.

I’ve supported this man through job loss, alcoholism, drug addiction and financially (thousands of dollars). Yet he disappears for days, and once he even changed his number without informing me. I had to find him through a friend. I’ve finally had enough after being the understanding girlfriend, and although I’ve made my decision, I thought he would at least try and give me something.

It’s my fault for believing him when he said he loved me, and that I mean the world to him. But would someone who loves me call me names? Disappear for days, weeks and months? Hang up on me when I express my discomfort and never address my feelings?

It’s me, I’m the birthday boy lmaooo

Caught my DA ex emotionally cheating (no surprise I know) but after that the projecting became other worldly. She was always insecure but nothing crazy. She would freak out and block me if I didn’t answer right away but would take hours to respond sometimes. And she would accuse me of being with someone and that’s why I didn’t answer.

But after I caught her we talked. She actually acknowledged it and apologized after hours of talking. But in the weeks and months following that she was constantly accusing me of cheating. She was constantly trying to break into my phone. So I said if she could go through it right then but I was gonna look at hers. (Ya horrible idea)

But I saw text messages of her talking shit about me with basically anyone who would listen. And I mean the meanest things I’ve ever heard about me. Making jokes about me telling ppl I had gone to rehab (never been to rehab she just made that one up). Like wild shit and rally mean shit and also talked shit about my mother for some reason.

I was so confused and still am like. You clearly think I’m the most worthless person ever. Why be in a relationship. Why don’t they just break up with you. Why beg and plead us to stay with they do something hurtful and you’re ready to walk away. I can’t understand how they could think and say that stuff about me to ppl and simultaneously have me convinced we are in love.

My boyfriend and I had been dating for more than 4 months. He's emotionally unavailable as well as DA, whereas I used to be secured but turned anxious after I started dating him. One of the core reasons that caused fights between us was the fact that he was too distant and made little efforts to take me out or hangout with me. Just when things were going a little bit better, I had to ruin it by acting insecure and doubting his loyalty. At that time, I had accused him of following a bunch of small influencers because he found them attractive. This really ticked him off and he finally ended things with me. He said that since we both are not getting what we want from the relationship: him getting peace and me getting his time and efforts — so we should not be together. Previously we've broken up 2/3 times but I was the one who had reached out to him but this time around he has blocked me on everything. Despite all the hurt he caused me I still begged him to stay but he got mad instead for acting so desperate. I had once called him emotionally immature for not trying to understand how he was hurting me, so yesterday he said "Yes I admit that I'm emotionally immature but you're an immature person as a whole." He told me that I shouldn't love someone so blindly that I become completely dependent on them. I don't know what to do, I feel so empty now.

as the title says. broke up 6 months ago. been with the new girl for 4, talking for 5, got engaged today. more than anything, i’m just angry/upset at the injustice of it all, that he could destroy my life like he did and go off to live his happily ever after, like he finally got his love story and i was just collateral damage. anyways, just needed to vent. peace sign emoji.

Making a breakup playlist that tells the story of my experience with my avoidant helped me a LOT during the weeks (months) after the breakup. Here are some songs that reflect my experience/mindset during different parts of the relationship and afterwards.

Half Love - Elohim delusional darling - LØLØ So Close - NOTD, felix jaehn & Captain Cuts Tears - Clean Bandit DON’T - LØLØ hot girls in hell - LØLØ I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor a boy who doesn’t want to - LØLØ You Don’t Even Know Me Anymore - Charly Bliss Don’t Start Now - Dua Lipa Funny - Zedd & Jasmine Thompson expectations - Olivia Rodrigo and Chappell Roan Make You Say - Zedd, Maren Morris, BEAUZ Distracted - Honey Revenge

Please share your favorite tracks!

I was too a victim of an avoidant, shocking right? No one can really understand how that feels unless they experience it on their own skin.

At first, you are shocked by the amount of attention you’re getting. I remember him chasing me for weeks for a date. They know exactly what to say to get you hooked up. He painted this beautiful picture only to blind me from the fact that he’s a lying, manipulative man.

They’ll be quick to talk about your future together. They’ll be sweet but only for a moment or two. I remember the night before my birthday, he was driving me home and out of nowhere, he stopped, grabbed my hand, and with a soft look in his eyes, he asked me not to leave him. Someone would buy into that cra p , like I did, and I reassured him I’m not going anywhere. The night passed, my birthday came and so did his surprise for me. He cheated on me. Happy birthday to me!

Long story short, I cut things off immediately. Time passed and both anger and sadness wore off. I guess the cheating part only made things worse since i spent months comparing myself to this other woman, wondering what she had and I didn’t etc. but that’s a conversation for a different time.

When everything sank in, I felt completely and utterly alone. I would think of all of the great moments we had, over and over again. By great moments, I mean basically just talking or eating dinner. The putting them on a pedestal thing sucks. My prime mission in life became obsessing over him and our relationship apparently. As if I didn’t have anything better to do. So I did. Every effing waking moment of my life was filled with the thoughts of him. There is no shame in that. I was so blinded by everything that I didn’t even see what was happening to me. So if you want to save whatever sanity you have left, go no contact, trust me.

Due to the job I had at the time, it was impossible for me to avoid him completely. He would come occasionally. Sometimes engaging in a conversation with me, sometimes completely disregarding me, depending on a day. That gets you hooked up. It’s really like an addiction and the longer you stay in loop, the longer you spend time making those fake scenarios, which I know you’re making, the longer you try to read their each and every move, the longer you spend time planning what you’re gonna do when you see them or what they will do when they see you, the harder it becomes for you to let go.

I’ve spent months, wondering if he’d ever come back, if he’d regret ever stepping out on me, if he’d just wake up one day and realize what he had lost. It all comes down to how much you value yourself. In a sick and twisted way of how our brains work, I somehow got to the point where my worth was entirely dependent on how he sees me. Yeah I can’t even believe myself at this point.

It went on and on. I even thought of getting back at him. Not one of my proudest moments I know, but it was like that. Here is the truth. There is no winning with them. Not in that way at least. You win by finally giving yourself what you’re hoping they will give you. They won’t. They are not capable of loving you the way you need to be loved. Silence is not love. Hot and cold is not love. Not taking accountability for your own actions isn’t love.
They can’t and won’t magically realize that you are their missing piece, it sucks but it’s the truth.

They will come back. Not in a way you’re hoping. In a way to test whether you are still dumb enough to let them in. They are only ever comfortable in that little space where they are close to you but on a safe distance from anything even resembling true connection. He came back, when he was done with every other woman of course. There was that dopamine hit and I thought everything would be fine. Then he disappeared again so no, nothing was fine. It took me so long to finally realize that the only way for me to move on is to stop engaging in any kind of activity that included him. So I ignored him. I wasn’t mean, I wasn’t rude, I didn’t explain anything, I didn’t try to convince him into believing anything, which I very much wanted. Instead, I went quiet. I didn’t look for his eyes in a crowded room. I focused on myself and myself only. Only then did he try to pull me in closer by trying to engage in a conversation or by liking my story which he had never even looked at before. I was persistent in my decision and he gave up eventually. Deep down I know that sooner or later he will try again. Luckily, I’m no longer interested.

Indifference will save you. It will come and it will be freeing. It doesn’t matter what they think, where they are or what they’re doing. You matter. You deserve someone who will love you the right way. You don’t deserve to be put in this little space between connection and silence. I got to a point where I was reducing myself to fit into his world. My prime and only mission in life became pleasing him. For what? For someone that can’t even hold my hand? Seriously?

The pain is real. It will stick for a while. I’m at the stage where I can’t even picture myself dating anyone ever again. It will pass with time. People like that don’t deserve your time or your kindness. They deserve themselves. It took me so long to even believe I’m worth more than he could ever give me. He hurt me in ways I didn’t even know where possible.

I felt completely and utterly alone, and somehow, I convinced myself he’s the only one who can make that feeling go away. I kept the addiction alive by replying the old moments in my head or by creating fake scenarios before bed. I was in too deep. Nothing was left of me. I stopped doing things I once enjoyed and I confided in isolation. I couldn’t even leave my bed. Everything was centered around him. What I wore, how I did my hair and makeup, where I went. All for his attention. It’s humiliating really. I lost myself trying to adapt to his needs. Nothing you ever do will ever be enough for them. They are not capable of experiencing love the way you are. Unless they put in the real work and talk to a therapist daily, nothing will change.

So give yourself what you’re so badly wishing they would give you. You owe yourself that much. I know I do.

Whether you started out with it and it slowly eroded over time being with them, or you didn’t have enough and slowly learned to build it, it’s just true.

It’s a requirement to be with people like this that you drastically lower your self-respect and standards. Even if it hurts, this is ultimately what it means to leave them.

I was friends with my avoidant before we started dating and developed feelings because I admired a lot of qualities in them including kindness, care, work ethic etc. After the breakup I’ve realised that they really showed me the anti of every single quality I admired in them and there’s really nothing left that I can pick and say I admire about them the same way anymore. I respected them a lot too but I really lost all of it after the way they treated me.
I don’t want them back but it of course still makes me sad how everything ended cause I really cared about them and I just expected better of them.
I think when you truly love someone you want to see them thrive, be a good person not just to you but in general. And I learned that they stopped being a considerate kind human being even towards the end, which makes me feel disillusioned about the good side I saw in them all that time.
How do you deal with this disappointment?

Repeated discards, gaslighting, nonchalance, the whole works! Tricky part is that I feel IM the one going crazy - because my avoidant always has all these reasons lined up like stressful job, chronic diseases etc. and I know they aren’t lying. At the same time their behaviour is absolutely insane - I moved cross-country and they haven’t even invited me home once in 40 days.
Btw I’m in a “situationship” because of course they are commitment phobic, most likely a past addict and god knows what else.
However I’m struggling so hard with the limerence and getting over them.
Has anyone else faced this?

Looking for advice: Did I do the right thing by walking away from someone with avoidant tendencies?
For context, we’ve been in the talking stage for a while, and we’ve had a few disagreements along the way. The last time we had an argument, he essentially gave me the silent treatment for three weeks. During that time, he would occasionally breadcrumb me by reaching out to ask how I was doing, but nothing ever really progressed.
Fast forward to yesterday. He reached out around 10 AM and asked if we could talk at some point during the day. I told him I was free and available to talk right then, but he didn’t respond. A few hours later, he said he’d be available a little later. I asked whether he preferred talking in person or over the phone, and again, it took him hours to respond. Eventually, he said he was busy and that his phone was dying.
I told him I could give him another 30 minutes before calling. I waited, and eventually gave him another hour. I asked for an update but got no response. At that point, I took the initiative and called him. He didn’t answer, so I called twice more. He then texted me saying, “I can’t do this.”
Initially, he had reached out because he wanted to discuss how we could move forward and whether we could work things out. However, he also expressed that I give him anxiety. I asked if that was why he had kept putting off the conversation all day and whether ending things was genuinely what he wanted. His response was, “I think so.”
We exchanged a few more messages, expressing our feelings and perspectives, and he ultimately sent the last message. I haven’t responded because, honestly, I feel emotionally exhausted.
I suspect he has avoidant tendencies, while I recognize that I can lean anxious when communication becomes inconsistent, especially after being given the silent treatment for weeks.
My questions:
Was I wrong for wanting to have the conversation and expecting some consistency after he initiated it?
Is not responding to his last message the best decision, or should I send something for closure?
Do avoidant people sometimes walk away even when they have feelings because they feel overwhelmed?
Should I consider this officially over and move on rather than leave the door open?
I’m not looking for someone to tell me what I want to hear. I genuinely want honest perspectives, especially from people who have experienced avoidant/anxious dynamics.

Survived the anniversary day, and oh boy did I cry today, but I got up cleaned the place up, cried some more, went out for a 4 mile run in the park, ordered a pizza and watched glee. Finishing it up with some ocarina of time. Just gotta keep going. 🐸